Sunday, September 21, 2014

Meet The Press – September 21, 2014

Samantha Power – U.S. Amb. to U.N.
Adm. Mike Mullen (Frm. Chair JCS)
Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT)
Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI)
Kevin Tibbles
Thomas Frank
Grover Norquist
John Stanton
Neera Tanden
Amy Walter
Ramesh Ponnuru

Todd: oh wow we're going to war again!

Audience: woo

Todd: but Gen. Dempsey said he would
recommend U.S. if things changed!

Brian Williams: OMFG!!!

Lindsay Graham: we're all gonna die!!!

John Kerry: we're not going invade!

Gates: but we might have to!!

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Samantha –
how many countries have agreed
to invade Syria?

Power: the Saudis have offered 
to put troops up in many of their 
palatial barracks seriously 
they're literally palaces

Todd: why won't you just admit we
need to invade Syria because it's
what we all want

Power: not so Chucky

Todd: are we training the moderates
to fight ISIS – because a year ago
we wanted them to fight Assad

Power: well that was a year ago Todd

Todd: good point

Todd: do the moderates in Syria
want to fight Assad or ISIS?

Power: both – but they really hate ISIS!

Todd: okay

Power: this problem is easily solved –
we will be giving them guns labeled

Todd: that should do it

Power: darn right

Todd: what do you
want from the UN?

Power: it's a great privilege for me
to be pushed aside when Obama
chairs a meeting of the UN
Security Council by himself

Todd: I'm sure

Todd: we left a vacuum in Libya
and created chaos – how do we
prevent the same thing in Syria?

Power: oh it's totally different –
we will be investing in these totally
trustworthy Syrian moderates

Todd: which is more dysfunctional
the UN or the US Congress?

Power: the Sunday talk shows

Todd: snap

[ break ]

Todd: Chris you voted against
the President's plan

Murphy: I support fighting ISIS
but only in Iraq

Todd: we spent billions of dollars
and years training Iraqi troops and it failed

Johnson: the Surge worked and
Iraq was fine which is why we
had to leave U.S. troops in Iraq
to prevent the country from falling apart

Todd: yes the Surge was finest moment
in history since Reagan saved that
Caribbean medical school being
overrun by zombies

Johnson: I just want to the 
President to do more!

Todd: so you would support a
full-scale U.S. invasion of Syria?

Johnson: look I'm no military expert
I'm a simple country lawyer –
I just know that ISIS is coming to
kill people in Wisconsin and we're all terrified 
Murphy: cripes – we've got to have 
a plan to getting the Sunnis and 
Shia to get along

Johnson: you get right on that Chris

Todd: why does America care more
about peace in the middle east than
people in the middle east do?

Johnson: you cannot negotiate
with ISIS – they rape and 
decapitate and crucify!

Todd: you had me at crucifixion

Murphy: oh my god

Todd: Chris clearly diplomacy 
won't work we need war 
to save the middle east from war

Murphy: well then where the 
fuck is Saudi Arabia?

Todd: Senators should the NFL
lose their tax-exempt status?

Johnson: who the hell cares –
we're mortgaging our children's future!

Todd: look at what we found
in the Meet the Press archives!

Sen. Charles Goodell: 
only Congress can declare war!

[ break ]

Todd: Admiral don't we need
ground troops in Syria?! Say it!

Mullen: well maybe

Todd: aha!

Mullen: calm down Todd

Todd: but we can't build a coalition
if we don't promise to use our whole
military including nuclear weapons

Mullen: look General Dempsey gave
the only answer he could give when
he said if it were necessary he might
recommend some ground troops

Todd: but the disagreement with Obama!

Mullen: the media is blowing this
whole thing way out of proportion

Todd: in our defense the Beltway pundits
aren't demanding 100,000 troops just
like ten or fifteen thousand

Mullen: oh okay then

Todd: why did the Iraqi army flee from ISIS?

Mullen: Maliki put in a bunch of
weak generals and they fled so
naturally the troops did too

Todd: sweet jesus

Mullen: but I'm cautiously optimistic
if we bomb ISIS enough the Iraqi army will fight

Todd: who will join our coalition?

Mullen: the Saudis have a 
big powerful air force

Todd: but will they use it?

Mullen: they damn well should

Todd: does public opinion influence
the military advice you give the President

Mullen: of course not – are you an idiot?

Todd: but what if your best
military plan is opposed by 
the people don't you have to 
factor that in to a military plan?

Mullen: I have no idea what the
fuck you are talking about Todd

[ break ]

Todd: Neera what are you
hearing from progressives?

Tanden: they're worried we're 
going to have another fucking 
disastrous middle east war

Todd: Iraq fatigue is the new Vietnam fatigue

Stanton: Congress doesn't want to
have anything to do with this clusterfuck

Todd: I have decided that the
military strategy won't work

Walter: Obama's economic success
is getting lost because everyone in
America is terrified they will be
killed by terrorists

Todd: Congress are running re-election
ads warning about terrorists –
it's 2004 all over again!

Ponnuru: Republicans are backing the
President and Democrats are backing
their leader but if the war goes south
they will turn on him viciously –
you can count on it

[ break ]

Todd: Republicans are always
in favor of tax cuts – or are they...??

Todd: we sent Kevin Tibbles out into
the wild in search of the most elusive
creature on earth after the giant squid
the Republican in his natural habitat
against tax cuts

Tibbles: Chuck I am here in Kansas
where I found Republican mad 
at a Republican Governor for 
cutting taxes too much

Todd: wow

Tibbles: social services have slashed
and the schools suck and the deficit
is through the roof

Tibbles: Colorado also slashed
taxes and it was also a disaster

Republican voter: I'm a Republican but
these tax cuts have gone too far –
I'm voting for the Democrat this year

Republican voter: it's driving us into bankruptcy!

Republican voter: I still support
tax cuts – you have to give the
free market time to work!

Todd: Grover are you worried that
tax cuts are becoming unpopular?

Norquist: tax cuts work and they are popular!

Todd: taxes cuts don't cause
economic growth and raising taxes
doesn't hurt growth

Frank: in the golden age of the
1950's taxes were very high

Todd: like 90%!

Frank: but Gov. Brownback really cut
taxes a lot and it's hurt public schools

Todd: no one saw that coming

Frank: people in Kansas are
very proud of their public schools –
they even teach evolution as something
that might have happened

Norquist: liberals are very angry at
Kansas because it's been so successful

Todd: I see

Norquist: also Democrats
are sex-crazed perverts

Todd: but the tax cuts didn't work

Norquist: maybe – but many small
business in Kansas are paying no taxes
at all – you can't argue with that

Todd: but they didn't work

Norquist: nevertheless they are great

Stanton: Grover do you ever
feel guilty for ruining America?

Norquist: no because Reagan was
a saint and communism is bad

Todd: a Democrat was in a strip club
when he was 26 so all the 
public schools must close

Frank: back in the 1990s when he was single!

Todd: sorry there was nakedness involved

Frank: this country is sliding into
oligarchy and we're talking about strip clubs!

[ break ]

Todd: OMG the election is really
Starbucks Nation vs. Chick-fil-a Country

Audience: oh god

Todd: 4 out of 5 voters in election 2014
live on farms, love guns, hates gays,
despise coffee and eat at chick-fil-a

Todd: in Colorado the Democrats
are all in Boulder or are pot-smoking hippies
while the Republican voters live in the
woods and subsist on squirrels and roadkill

Todd: likewise Democrats in Iowa all
have PhDs and eat caviar and live in
rich fancy towns like Des Moines while
the Republicans are ignorant hicks who
sign their names with an X and spend
all day castrating pigs

Audience: hmmm tough choices

Todd: the elections are only six weeks
away and Democrats are running
away from Obama and his terrible
available health care and 6% unemployment

Panel: ha ha

Todd: a parade of Democrats up for election
are saying they will take on Obama and
are firing guns randomly for some reason

Audience: who doesn't love
a politician with a gun

Todd: when Republicans ran away
from the President they lost –
is this a bad strategy?

Ponnuru: it never works

Tanden: in polls voters always saying
they want Washing to get things done
and compromise and then
they elect extremists

Todd: Mark Pryor is running away
from Obama but he needs black voters

Ponnuru: Obama won Colordao
and they hate Obama now –
although to be fair they are
probably high on the pot

Tanden: I predict Democrats will win Colorado!

Todd: voters can detect phony bullshit

Tanden: Republicans are unpopular
too – people are anti-Washington
not anti-Obama

Todd: why does the media keep
pretending Joe Biden is running?

Tanden: because he might

Todd: no he won't

Stanton: Biden is media crack

Todd: are we all phonies?

Tanden: undoubtedly

Ponnuru: it's either talk about Biden
and his gaffes or only talk about
Hillary for two years

Todd: Joe Biden is like Dubya –
no one is offended by his constant gaffes

Audience: it's good to be an old white man

Todd: hey audience next time
we're gonna have a brand new set!

Audience: yay

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet the Press

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – September 21, 2014

Jon Karl
Bob Woodruff
Martha Raddatz
Samantha Power – U.S. Amb. to U.N.
Bob Gates
Mike Tiricio
Ryan Smith
Christine Brennan

Stephanopoulos: omg we're at war
again which is awesome but don't
we need to invade Syria?

Karl: even the French are
bombing ISIS

Stephanopoulos: holy crap

Karl: Obama has pitched war
against ISIS five times in the last
month but he doesn't want to
invade Syria which is so sad

Stephanopoulos: but we need to invade
Syria or it won't be a fun war to cover

Karl: Obama's generals disagree with
him and we know this because Dempsey
said he might recommend ground troops
if necessary because of course he did

Stephanopoulos: so are these
moderate Syrian rebels anyway

Obama: they are dentists and blacksmiths

Audience: I hope those are separate jobs

Moderate Syrian Rebel: this makes
me proud – was not Paul Revere of
your American revolution a blacksmith?

Woodruff: will weapons we give you
end up in the hands of terrorists?

Moderate Syrian Rebel: oh no we
will be very careful to make 
sure this will not happen

Woodruff: are you asking for US troops?

Moderate Syrian Rebel: no we are not
asking for anyone else to fight our war for us

Woodruff: well maybe just a little

Vice Reporter: we went to Syria and 
found ordinary Syrians determined 
to save their country

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Ambassador Power

Power: good morning George

Stephanopoulos: will the U.S. get 
UN Security Council authorization 
to start a war with Syria?

Power: maybe

Stephanopoulos: but Russia might veto

Power: or they might not

Stephanopoulos: you don't sound optimistic

Power: it doesn't matter – we have a
legal basis to bomb anyway

Stephanopoulos: even without
Security Council authorization?

Power: don't look so shocked George –
we bomb who we want to bomb when
and where we want to bomb them

Stephanopoulos: has any country
agreed to join us in a war with Syria?

Power: well France is bombing now

Stephanopoulos: but only in Iraq
they're not bombing Syria

Power: well we're not bombing Syria either

Stephanopoulos: and I can't tell you 
how disappointed I am by that

Power: sorry George

Stephanopoulos: even Britain won't
commit to bombing Syria – it's so unfair

Power: trust me Stephy – we won't
be bombing Syria alone

Stephanopoulos: what about Iran?

Power: did you know you can't trust Assad?

Stephanopoulos: I've heard that

Power: we need to Iran to get that message

Stephanopoulos: some say we need troops
on the ground if we are going to defeat ISIS

Power: there are troops on the ground
Syrian troops and Iraqi troops

Stephanopoulos: oh what a relief
how long will this take anyway?

Power: oh just two to twenty years

Stephanopoulos: yikes

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: General Dempsey 
said he would recommend ground 
troops if necessary!

Raddatz: it's a rift between Obama
and his generals! OMG!

Stephanopoulos: ha ha! I love it!

Raddatz: to be fair Obama is really
saying he won't send a massive
American invading army

Stephanopoulos: what's the use of having
a massive Army if we're not going to use it
to invade another country every few years?

Raddatz: good point George

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome General Gates

Gates: nice to see you George

Stephanopoulos: is Obama's plan
doomed or is he lying?

Gates: oh don't be ridiculous George

Stephanopoulos: I can't help it

Gates: Martha was right – the President
is just trying to avoid a big useless
counter-productive invasion

Stephanopoulos: so would you approve 
the President's plan if you were 
still defense secretary?

Gates: yes I would

Stephanopoulos: well you are no fun at all

Gates: I eat people like you for breakfast Stephers

Stephanopoulos: if we invade are we
just giving ISIS what they want which 
is the U.S. bogged do in another 
middle east war?

Gates: we need to step back from this
cauldron of violence and and saucepan
of dysfunction and chafing dish of hate

Stephanopoulos: so you don't think
we should destroy ISIS?

Gates: well I do think we should
drive them out of Iraq and into
Syria so they can never attack America

Stephanopoulos: is that the way it works?

Gates: look we've been at war with
al-Qaeda for over a decade and
we haven't destroyed them yet

Stephanopoulos: practice makes perfect

Reporter: OMG Ray Rice punched his
girlfriend and knocked her unconscious and
Roger Goodell got really mad and
suspended him for two games

Expert: this is a lesson on 
how not to handle a crisis

Reporter: we just now we learned that
the Ravens and probably everyone knew
all about the second video where Ray Rice
punches her so hard she flies against
the back wall of the elevator

Stephanopoulos: shocking news indeed

Reporter: two days ago Roger Goodell
held a terrible press conference where
said from now on the NFL will pretend
to care about domestic violence

Stephanopoulos: problem solved then

Stephanopoulos: Mike will fans stop
watching the NFL and if they don't
why should the NFL ever change?

Tirico: well George you can't expect
fans can't stop watching now –
they all have fantasy football teams
which are terribly important even
though they don't actually exist

Stephanopoulos: Christine how bad
was that press conference?

Brennan: awful – Goodell could have
projected empathy or humanity or
at least a non-robot corporate persona

Stephanopoulos: he did apologize

Brennan: he a lot to apologize for

Stephanopoulos: snap

Stephanopoulos: does Goodell lose his job?

Smith: that depends on if Robert
Mueller finds out he lied

Stephanopoulos: is it time for the
team owners to step up and not be
assholes or is that asking too much
from out-of-touch megalomaniac billionaires?

Tirico: they have to find a balance
between finding talented football players
who are not also violently abusive criminals

Stephanopoulos: what about the 
other leagues?

Brennan: we haven't heard from
other major sports and they probably
have terrible abusers also

Stephanopoulos: quite likely

Smith: everyone wants swift and decisive
action but the athletes do have contracts
and collective bargaining

Brennan: I'm not defending the NFL
but at least they funding an abuse hotline
where is major league baseball?

Stephanopoulos: I believe they a building
shrine of gold made from melted down
Canadian Word Series trophies over the
place where Derek Jeter ascended in heaven