Sunday, January 24, 2016

Meet The Press – January 24, 2016


Hillary Clinton
Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
Donald Trump
Robert Gates
Chris Cilizza
Kristen Welker
Kasie Hunt
David Brooks

Todd: omg it Washingon it
snowed like a motherfucker!

Todd: the Establishment hates
Ted Cruz so much they may back Trump

Todd: and the Democrats are
panicking over Sanders

Todd: Hillary is losing a exciting
lefty idealist – it's just like 2008!

Todd: and omg Mike Bloomberg may run!

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Madam Clinton

Clinton: good morning Chuck

Todd: how can you be losing to a
74 year -old Jewish socialist from Vermont?

Clinton: it's so exciting! I love it!

Todd: please

Clinton: this is so much fun!

Todd: oh really

Clinton: look I just don't think 
we need a revolution – 
they're messy and you usually 
end up with Napoleon or 
Lenin in charge

Todd: is this 2008 all over again?

Clinton: I feel great!

Todd: you do?

Clinton: caucuses are the best!
Iowa in January is awesome!

Todd: you have a great of experience
which is bad

Clinton: you're electing a commander-in-chief
not your favorite slightly crazy 
usually cranky college professor

Todd: right

Clinton: I was Secretary of State
for pete's sake!

Todd: you and I both know you can
only get one thing done as President

Clinton: what the hell would 
you know about it?

Todd: um I have a goatee

Clinton: you should get rid of that by the way

Todd: what is the one thing you 
want get done as President?

Clinton: During this campaign I've met
people who are off their medications

Todd: so have I and they were all
running the Republican nomination

Clinton: ha

Todd: okay so you want
cheaper drugs – don't we all

Clinton: but we also need to create more jobs

Todd: there's another good idea

Clinton: and also take on the fat cats

Todd: drugs, jobs, cats – got it

Clinton: oh there's more Ted

Todd: why did Goldman Sachs pay
you $250,000 for a damn speech

Clinton: I happen to be a riveting speaker
I tell a great tale about how we caught 
Osama bin Laden

Todd: how did you get him?

Clinton: he put in a large taco order 
for himself and all his wives under the 
name 'Homer Simpson'

Todd: isn't a quarter million
dollars for talking legal bribery?

Clinton: I was talking about
mortgage abuse in 2006!

Todd: good for you

Clinton: I will take on all of Wall Street
and all the little side street and lanes
and avenues and boulevards too

Todd: are you concerned that the FBI
will charge you over your e-mails?

Clinton: nope

Todd: not at all ?

Clinton: the Republicans admitted 
Benghazi hearings were to stop 
me from being President

Todd: yeah I forgot about that

Clinton: now Chuck Grassley wants to
use the FBI to take me down – that old 
fossil doesn't know who he's dealing with

Todd: Mike Bloomberg may run for President

Clinton: he's a good buddy of mine

Todd: are you worried?

Clinton: he will only run if I'm not the
nominee well he doesn't have to worry
I will win one way or the other

Todd: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Bernie Sanders

Sanders: hiya Tim

Todd: Claire McCaskill says the
GOP will call you a communist

Sanders: I would love to run against Trump!

Todd: oh

Sanders: he thinks wages
are too high which is not true

Todd: not a single Democratic Governor
or Senator has endorsed you

Sanders: I'm taking on the political 
and economic and corporate and 
media establishments

Todd: wow

Sanders: I'm taking on Big Money
and Big Pharma and Big Bird

Todd: ambitious

Sanders: we are creating a Revolution!

Todd: goodness

Sanders: it's time to take on the
big banks and and Wall Street!

Todd: you want to overturn everything
but you're not for reparations for 

Sanders: because we have poverty
in the African-American community

Todd: I see

Sanders: we should put our
kids to work instead of jail

Todd: but what about reparations?

Sanders: we have to invest in the future!

Todd: got it

Sanders: I want to raise the minimum
wage and create millions of jobs!

Todd: you can't get reparations
through Congress but that's true
for all your other ideas as well

Sanders: 80% of people don't vote and
that's how billionaires buy elections!

Todd: I don't vote because I once got 
trapped in a booth and now I have a phobia

Sanders: I am trying to change
American politics forever!

Todd: do you still think the
Democratic party is useless?

Sanders: not entirely

Todd: if you get the nomination Mike
Bloomberg will run just to stop you

Sanders: I will take on two billionaires 
if I have to!

Todd: thanks for coming

Sanders: you too Chet

[ break ]

Todd: omg every GOP candidate
is attacking everyone else

Trump: Ted Cruz loves immigrants!

Cruz: Trump evicts elderly windows!

Todd: good morning Mr. Trump

Trump: I never bulldozed that 
old lady's house!

Todd: but you wanted to

Trump: without eminent domain you
wouldn't have a country you losers

Todd: Ted Cruz says you're support
liberal Jews and Italians from New York City

Trump: some of my best friends are mobsters

Todd: that's an anti-Italian stereotype

Trump: I was talking about the Jews

Todd: what about Ted Cruz

Trump: he's a stupid unpopular loser

Todd: that's true

Trump: nobody likes him – not one GOP
senator backs him and they know him best

Todd: you used to like Ted Cruz

Trump: he followed me around
like a little puppy – in fact that's
why I kicked him

Todd: gosh

Trump: he's a nasty person

Todd: you wouldn't vote for him?

Trump: only because he's Kenyan

Todd: Canadian

Trump: whatever

Todd: fair enough

Trump: how can you vote an
illegal immigrant for President?!?

Todd: The National Review says
you're not a real conservative

Trump: well I am

Todd: I see

Trump: that is a failing magazine full of losers

Todd: you used to be a liberal

Trump: Reagan was a liberal democrat

Todd: all right then

Trump: I've evolved and so has
Ted Cruz who is an illegal 
immigrant by the way

Todd: actually he's not-

Trump: Ronald Reagan!

Todd: the Clintons have released all
their tax returns going back to 1977
when all their income came from selling
bootleg Grateful Dead 8 tracks

Trump: my taxes are beautiful!

Todd: when will you release them

Trump: you have to understand I do not
have normal tax returns – most people do
not count 'gold faucet depreciation'
or claim Sarah Palin as a dependent

Todd: that's likely true

Trump: I hate the government!

Todd: don't we all

Trump: they give my money to Iraq and Iran

Todd: and going to have to check that

Trump: that's my money and
they give it away to terrorists

Todd: I see

Trump: I try to pay no taxes!

Todd: Mike Bloomberg hates you so
much if you get the nomination he will
spend a billion dollars to stop you

Trump: he used to be a friend 
of mine but not now

Todd: too bad

Trump: I would love to see him run!

Todd: why?

Trump: because he's a lovely man 
and a good friend

Todd: well thanks for coming

[ break ]

Todd: Republican primary voters
are worried about electability

Todd: but who is the most un-electable?

Todd: we know that no one likes Ted Cruz

Todd: but people really hate Donald Trump

Todd: Trump is negative 72 points
among African Americans!

Todd: Cruz's worst numbers are still
better than Trump's best numbers! 
That's crazy!

Todd: omg the Establishment is
backing Trump over Cruz

Todd: it's getting nasty out there

Cruz: the Beltway Establishment 
is out to get me

Trump: he's an idiot

Cruz: he's a liberal Pelosi-lover

Trump: he's a jerk and no one like him

Todd: David Brooks you're begging
the GOP to reject them both

Brooks: yes I hate them Cruz and Trump

Todd: amazing

Brooks: I like Rubio he's reasonable

Todd: on Christmas Eve he bought
a gun to protect his family from ISIS

Brooks: Obama's recession led to Trump!

Cillizza: you can't get rid of Cruz
then get rid of Trump – if you kill Cruz
Trump will be your nominee!

Todd: the Establishment
just can't find a candidate

Hunt: Trump is a crazy racist but
Ted Cruz is a horrible person

Welker: the Establishment is saying
'at least Trump is a dealmaker'

Brooks: that is so fucking dumb

Cillizza: omg I'm gonna plotz

Brooks: Trump is going to occupy
the same job as Abe Lincoln – I don't think so

Cillizza: is Trump capable of empathizing
with victims of a tragedy or will he try to
sell them a time-share while they're grieving?

Hunt: no one can beat him

Welker: by the way he's going to win Iowa too

Todd: people in Iowa are stupid

Brooks: people in the later 
states are much smarter

Todd: right

Brooks: also there will probably be
a new war in the middle east which
will help Marco Rubio

Todd: of course

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Bob Gates

Gates: good morning Charles

Todd: what do you look for in a President

Gates: someone with experience
in the federal government and not some CEO

Todd: Ted Cruz and Donald Trump
want to carpet bomb and seize the oil

Gates: they're fucking idiots

Todd: voters love them

Gates: we need coalitions but we can't
form them until everyone in Washington
agrees with each other

Todd: like under our greatest
leader of them all Gerald Ford

Gates: I love that man

Todd: but he was never even elected

Gates: Truman was an asshole
but he almost won the Korean war

Todd: people hated his guts

Gates: that's true

Todd: I assume you love Mike Bloomberg

Gates: no I just said we don't need
CEOs with no federal experience

Todd: but you must like him

Gates: I must?

Todd: you must – you literally must like him

Gates: I just want a President who can
bring us all together and teach us the Force
so we can fulfill our destiny

Todd: wise words indeed

[ break ]

Todd: what do you think of Sanders vs Clinton

Brooks: he's like a chinese menu 
– he's filled with joy

Hunt: Clinton didn't answer your 
stupid question about the one 
thing she wanted to do

Todd: yeah blathered something
about health care which is stupid

Cillizza: getting health care is so 90s

Todd: it's very retro

Cillizza: Sanders is beating her
like Obama did – its deja vu all over again

Todd: except Sanders is even 
whiter than she is

Welker: she has a black firewall

Todd: but no one likes her

Brooks: she lacks joy

Todd: right

Todd: but a terrorist will murder
some people and she will look better

Cillizza: if she loses Iowa and
New Hampshire she's doomed

Todd: Bill Clinton lost both and still won

Cillizza: he had his own
Sanders and his own billionaire

Welker: being authentically
herself is not easy for her

Todd: true

Welker: but she's copied
Obama's ground game in Iowa

Brooks: For five years I've said
Bob Gates should be President

Todd: who?

Brooks: the guy you just interviewed

Todd: oh right – I thought he
would endorse Bloomberg

Brooks: some part of the country wants
to elect a non-lunatic and those people
will vote for Hillary

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

Most Ridiculous Moment – January 24, 2016


It was a big day on the Sunday talk shows. 
A huge snowfall hit New York and Washington, the candidates are all sniping 
at each other, and the first votes are 
mere days away.

ABC's This Week breathlessly warned 
“big cities like New York, Philly, Baltimore and D.C., brought to their knees with
this crippling snowstorm.”

Bernie Sanders was on ABC, where Martha Raddatz confronted him with the statement “Blackstone CEO quote Blackstone CEO Steve Schwarzman who said the markets are unsettled because of you, a slowdown in China and geopolitical risks. You're laughing, but I want to know why is it a good thing that the markets are in turmoil? People have their pension funds in the market? Lots of middle class people have their 401(k)s invested in stocks. It's not just Wall Street. Everybody 
is affected by this.”

Sanders explained he was laughing because “the idea that Bernie Sanders' candidacy, because it has growing support all over 
this country, is unsettling world markets 
is absolutely absurd.”

Jeb Bush appeared on This Week, where he said of Governor Snyder quote “I think he's been a great Governor for Michigan,” and of the Flint water crisis, created by the manager Snyder appointed, said “It is horrific and it is related to the fact that we've created this complex, no-responsibility regulatory system, where the federal government, the state government, a regional government, local 
and county governments are all pointing fingers at one another.” 

Bush blamed the state but also the EPA, and the local government, and added “This is a tragedy that we ought to focus; instead of blaming people, what he's doing is creating 
a strategy to fix it.”

Hillary Clinton was on Meet The Press, where Chuck Todd asked her, “You and I both know, you basically have one big shot at one big issue. What is it that you're willing to use 
all your political capital to do it with?”

She rejected his premise. Todd also asked, “Why do you think one of these big banks paid you over $200,000 for a speech?” 
She explained, “there was a lot of interest 
in the bin Laden raid.”

Bob Gates popped up NBC to describe the foreign policies of Ted Cruz and Donald Trump as quote “completely unrealistic,” and said they “wouldn't accomplish the job.” 

He also said “I can't figure out whether those who are arguing that really believe they can do that, or whether they're just be cynical 
or opportunistic.”

David Brooks observed “For five years, 
I've been saying that Bob Gates 
should be President.”

The panelists discussed the interesting phenomenon currently occurring, where the two front-runners for the Republican nomination are widely loathed, despised and feared by almost all elected Republicans and influential conservatives.

Conservative Matt Lewis observed “it's because we have this weird situation where, 
if you say something dumb or crazy, you 
go up in the polls.”

Alex Castellanos blamed The National Review for not attacking Donald Trump earlier, while editor Rich Lowry said just because “you couldn't muster these Republican donors to go with you, because they were too gutless and feckless to stand up,” doesn't mean all hope is lost.

Martha Raddatz summed up their spat 
by saying “next, the chaos on 
the Democratic side.”

On NBC, Chis Cillizza explained to the Establishment that if they take down Ted Cruz, they are only going to make Trump more powerful, while David Brooks despaired “We have such a dumb establishment,” and quote “That's where Abraham Lincoln stood. That's where F.D.R. stood. That's where Ronald Reagan stood. Donald Trump is going to stand there? I just do not believe that.”

Brooks, sounding more hopeful than realistic, insisted, “It's going to be Rubio. I'm telling you, it's going to be Rubio,” and added, wishfully, “the later states, I think the emotions are a little lower, and they're 
a little more pragmatic. Second, something's going to happen in the Middle East, events will happen.”

But the most absurd moments came in appearances by the GOP front-runner, 
Donald Trump.

He was asked “What is your definition of conservative?”

Trump responded “I think it's a person that doesn't want to take overly risks. I think that's a good thing. I think it's a person that wants to -- in terms of government I'm talking about, a person that wants to conserve, a person that wants to, in a financial sense, balance budgets, a person that feels strongly about the military. And I feel very strongly 
about the military.”

And you have some of these people, they don't even want to focus on the military. Our military is falling apart. I feel very, very 
 – I have always felt very, very strongly 
about the military.”

By the way, if you look at vision, when you look at the word vision, I was the one that said take the oil. I have been saying that for years. And I said take the oil, let's take the oil. And nobody would listen. Then, all of a sudden, after Paris, they started saying, maybe that's right, we will take the oil.”
I'm a very militaristic person. I'm very much into the military, and will build our military bigger, better, stronger than ever before.”

He said of The National Review, “they're a failing magazine,” and “they don't know how to win. And I'm not sure they even want to win. They just want to stay relevant. 
And they're very irrelevant.” 

Trump said about Ted Cruz, “he's a nasty 
guy and nobody likes him.”

On eminent domain, he said “You wouldn't have roads, you wouldn't have schools, hospitals. I mean, I don't love eminent domain, but you need eminent domain 
or you don't have a country.”

On taxes, he said “I try to pay as little tax as possible, because I hate what they do with my tax money. I hate the way they spend our money, the way they give it to Iraq, the way they give it to Iran, the way they give it 
to everything.”

He also said quote “I would love to see Michael Bloomberg run.” and “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose any voters, 
OK, like incredible.”

So, it's Bernie Sanders' fault stock prices are lower, Bob Gates should be President, and Governor Snyder is doing a great job.

People who know Ted Cruz well and share his ideas dislike him so much, they would rather back a racist game-show host with fascist tendencies. But not to worry, 'something will happen in the middle east,' which will propel Marco Rubio to the nomination. We know Rubio is the sane person in the race because he spent Christmas Eve buying a gun to protect his family from ISIS.

But the current GOP front-runner Donald Trump, is a self-described militaristic risk-averse fiscal conservative who wants invade the middle east and seize ownership of the oilfields and who won't pay taxes because they give his money to Iraq and Iran.

And that's the most ridiculous thing 
that happened this Sunday.