Sunday, January 24, 2016

Meet The Press – January 24, 2016


Hillary Clinton
Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
Donald Trump
Robert Gates
Chris Cilizza
Kristen Welker
Kasie Hunt
David Brooks

Todd: omg it Washingon it
snowed like a motherfucker!

Todd: the Establishment hates
Ted Cruz so much they may back Trump

Todd: and the Democrats are
panicking over Sanders

Todd: Hillary is losing a exciting
lefty idealist – it's just like 2008!

Todd: and omg Mike Bloomberg may run!

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Madam Clinton

Clinton: good morning Chuck

Todd: how can you be losing to a
74 year -old Jewish socialist from Vermont?

Clinton: it's so exciting! I love it!

Todd: please

Clinton: this is so much fun!

Todd: oh really

Clinton: look I just don't think 
we need a revolution – 
they're messy and you usually 
end up with Napoleon or 
Lenin in charge

Todd: is this 2008 all over again?

Clinton: I feel great!

Todd: you do?

Clinton: caucuses are the best!
Iowa in January is awesome!

Todd: you have a great of experience
which is bad

Clinton: you're electing a commander-in-chief
not your favorite slightly crazy 
usually cranky college professor

Todd: right

Clinton: I was Secretary of State
for pete's sake!

Todd: you and I both know you can
only get one thing done as President

Clinton: what the hell would 
you know about it?

Todd: um I have a goatee

Clinton: you should get rid of that by the way

Todd: what is the one thing you 
want get done as President?

Clinton: During this campaign I've met
people who are off their medications

Todd: so have I and they were all
running the Republican nomination

Clinton: ha

Todd: okay so you want
cheaper drugs – don't we all

Clinton: but we also need to create more jobs

Todd: there's another good idea

Clinton: and also take on the fat cats

Todd: drugs, jobs, cats – got it

Clinton: oh there's more Ted

Todd: why did Goldman Sachs pay
you $250,000 for a damn speech

Clinton: I happen to be a riveting speaker
I tell a great tale about how we caught 
Osama bin Laden

Todd: how did you get him?

Clinton: he put in a large taco order 
for himself and all his wives under the 
name 'Homer Simpson'

Todd: isn't a quarter million
dollars for talking legal bribery?

Clinton: I was talking about
mortgage abuse in 2006!

Todd: good for you

Clinton: I will take on all of Wall Street
and all the little side street and lanes
and avenues and boulevards too

Todd: are you concerned that the FBI
will charge you over your e-mails?

Clinton: nope

Todd: not at all ?

Clinton: the Republicans admitted 
Benghazi hearings were to stop 
me from being President

Todd: yeah I forgot about that

Clinton: now Chuck Grassley wants to
use the FBI to take me down – that old 
fossil doesn't know who he's dealing with

Todd: Mike Bloomberg may run for President

Clinton: he's a good buddy of mine

Todd: are you worried?

Clinton: he will only run if I'm not the
nominee well he doesn't have to worry
I will win one way or the other

Todd: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Bernie Sanders

Sanders: hiya Tim

Todd: Claire McCaskill says the
GOP will call you a communist

Sanders: I would love to run against Trump!

Todd: oh

Sanders: he thinks wages
are too high which is not true

Todd: not a single Democratic Governor
or Senator has endorsed you

Sanders: I'm taking on the political 
and economic and corporate and 
media establishments

Todd: wow

Sanders: I'm taking on Big Money
and Big Pharma and Big Bird

Todd: ambitious

Sanders: we are creating a Revolution!

Todd: goodness

Sanders: it's time to take on the
big banks and and Wall Street!

Todd: you want to overturn everything
but you're not for reparations for 

Sanders: because we have poverty
in the African-American community

Todd: I see

Sanders: we should put our
kids to work instead of jail

Todd: but what about reparations?

Sanders: we have to invest in the future!

Todd: got it

Sanders: I want to raise the minimum
wage and create millions of jobs!

Todd: you can't get reparations
through Congress but that's true
for all your other ideas as well

Sanders: 80% of people don't vote and
that's how billionaires buy elections!

Todd: I don't vote because I once got 
trapped in a booth and now I have a phobia

Sanders: I am trying to change
American politics forever!

Todd: do you still think the
Democratic party is useless?

Sanders: not entirely

Todd: if you get the nomination Mike
Bloomberg will run just to stop you

Sanders: I will take on two billionaires 
if I have to!

Todd: thanks for coming

Sanders: you too Chet

[ break ]

Todd: omg every GOP candidate
is attacking everyone else

Trump: Ted Cruz loves immigrants!

Cruz: Trump evicts elderly windows!

Todd: good morning Mr. Trump

Trump: I never bulldozed that 
old lady's house!

Todd: but you wanted to

Trump: without eminent domain you
wouldn't have a country you losers

Todd: Ted Cruz says you're support
liberal Jews and Italians from New York City

Trump: some of my best friends are mobsters

Todd: that's an anti-Italian stereotype

Trump: I was talking about the Jews

Todd: what about Ted Cruz

Trump: he's a stupid unpopular loser

Todd: that's true

Trump: nobody likes him – not one GOP
senator backs him and they know him best

Todd: you used to like Ted Cruz

Trump: he followed me around
like a little puppy – in fact that's
why I kicked him

Todd: gosh

Trump: he's a nasty person

Todd: you wouldn't vote for him?

Trump: only because he's Kenyan

Todd: Canadian

Trump: whatever

Todd: fair enough

Trump: how can you vote an
illegal immigrant for President?!?

Todd: The National Review says
you're not a real conservative

Trump: well I am

Todd: I see

Trump: that is a failing magazine full of losers

Todd: you used to be a liberal

Trump: Reagan was a liberal democrat

Todd: all right then

Trump: I've evolved and so has
Ted Cruz who is an illegal 
immigrant by the way

Todd: actually he's not-

Trump: Ronald Reagan!

Todd: the Clintons have released all
their tax returns going back to 1977
when all their income came from selling
bootleg Grateful Dead 8 tracks

Trump: my taxes are beautiful!

Todd: when will you release them

Trump: you have to understand I do not
have normal tax returns – most people do
not count 'gold faucet depreciation'
or claim Sarah Palin as a dependent

Todd: that's likely true

Trump: I hate the government!

Todd: don't we all

Trump: they give my money to Iraq and Iran

Todd: and going to have to check that

Trump: that's my money and
they give it away to terrorists

Todd: I see

Trump: I try to pay no taxes!

Todd: Mike Bloomberg hates you so
much if you get the nomination he will
spend a billion dollars to stop you

Trump: he used to be a friend 
of mine but not now

Todd: too bad

Trump: I would love to see him run!

Todd: why?

Trump: because he's a lovely man 
and a good friend

Todd: well thanks for coming

[ break ]

Todd: Republican primary voters
are worried about electability

Todd: but who is the most un-electable?

Todd: we know that no one likes Ted Cruz

Todd: but people really hate Donald Trump

Todd: Trump is negative 72 points
among African Americans!

Todd: Cruz's worst numbers are still
better than Trump's best numbers! 
That's crazy!

Todd: omg the Establishment is
backing Trump over Cruz

Todd: it's getting nasty out there

Cruz: the Beltway Establishment 
is out to get me

Trump: he's an idiot

Cruz: he's a liberal Pelosi-lover

Trump: he's a jerk and no one like him

Todd: David Brooks you're begging
the GOP to reject them both

Brooks: yes I hate them Cruz and Trump

Todd: amazing

Brooks: I like Rubio he's reasonable

Todd: on Christmas Eve he bought
a gun to protect his family from ISIS

Brooks: Obama's recession led to Trump!

Cillizza: you can't get rid of Cruz
then get rid of Trump – if you kill Cruz
Trump will be your nominee!

Todd: the Establishment
just can't find a candidate

Hunt: Trump is a crazy racist but
Ted Cruz is a horrible person

Welker: the Establishment is saying
'at least Trump is a dealmaker'

Brooks: that is so fucking dumb

Cillizza: omg I'm gonna plotz

Brooks: Trump is going to occupy
the same job as Abe Lincoln – I don't think so

Cillizza: is Trump capable of empathizing
with victims of a tragedy or will he try to
sell them a time-share while they're grieving?

Hunt: no one can beat him

Welker: by the way he's going to win Iowa too

Todd: people in Iowa are stupid

Brooks: people in the later 
states are much smarter

Todd: right

Brooks: also there will probably be
a new war in the middle east which
will help Marco Rubio

Todd: of course

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Bob Gates

Gates: good morning Charles

Todd: what do you look for in a President

Gates: someone with experience
in the federal government and not some CEO

Todd: Ted Cruz and Donald Trump
want to carpet bomb and seize the oil

Gates: they're fucking idiots

Todd: voters love them

Gates: we need coalitions but we can't
form them until everyone in Washington
agrees with each other

Todd: like under our greatest
leader of them all Gerald Ford

Gates: I love that man

Todd: but he was never even elected

Gates: Truman was an asshole
but he almost won the Korean war

Todd: people hated his guts

Gates: that's true

Todd: I assume you love Mike Bloomberg

Gates: no I just said we don't need
CEOs with no federal experience

Todd: but you must like him

Gates: I must?

Todd: you must – you literally must like him

Gates: I just want a President who can
bring us all together and teach us the Force
so we can fulfill our destiny

Todd: wise words indeed

[ break ]

Todd: what do you think of Sanders vs Clinton

Brooks: he's like a chinese menu 
– he's filled with joy

Hunt: Clinton didn't answer your 
stupid question about the one 
thing she wanted to do

Todd: yeah blathered something
about health care which is stupid

Cillizza: getting health care is so 90s

Todd: it's very retro

Cillizza: Sanders is beating her
like Obama did – its deja vu all over again

Todd: except Sanders is even 
whiter than she is

Welker: she has a black firewall

Todd: but no one likes her

Brooks: she lacks joy

Todd: right

Todd: but a terrorist will murder
some people and she will look better

Cillizza: if she loses Iowa and
New Hampshire she's doomed

Todd: Bill Clinton lost both and still won

Cillizza: he had his own
Sanders and his own billionaire

Welker: being authentically
herself is not easy for her

Todd: true

Welker: but she's copied
Obama's ground game in Iowa

Brooks: For five years I've said
Bob Gates should be President

Todd: who?

Brooks: the guy you just interviewed

Todd: oh right – I thought he
would endorse Bloomberg

Brooks: some part of the country wants
to elect a non-lunatic and those people
will vote for Hillary

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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