This Week with Jake Tapper - May 30, 2010

Guests:
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Louisiana)
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Colin Powell (Ret. Chair JCS)
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Tapper: Bobby what do you need to stop the oil?

Jindal: we local control and permission to
protect the damn beaches!

Tapper: the Coast Guard said Louisiana didn’t
plan for a spill like this

Jindal: come and see the oil on the eggs and the motherfucking pelicans!!

Tapper: why were the booms sitting on the docks?

Jindal: BP was sitting on their fucking asses!

Tapper: are you a socialist or a communist now?

Jindal: I want smaller big government and
bigger small government!!

[ break ]

Tapper: so BP has totally failed to stop pouring
oil into America’s waters

Dudley: true we failed to wrestle the beast -
but we’re heroes for trying!

Tapper: you cut corners to save money and risked destroying precious American resources

Dudley: no that can’t be right since
we do that everywhere

Tapper: but in March the well was failing and then it exploded - what the fuck were you guys doing??

Dudley: we will definitely take a look at that
since we totally didn’t see that coming

Tapper: the well was fucking failing jackass!!

Dudley: uh I think we subcontracted that out to Acme and some coyote

Tapper: well thanks for coming asshole

Tapper: sir you were a general tell us about how states deal with oil spills

Powell: the federal government must move in quickly with decisive force and declare war on oil spills!

Tapper: fascinating

Powell: it’s more than BP it’s about people and the government and nice things like that

Tapper: should the military bomb the oil spill?

Powell: sure - we should also get local unemployed fishermen to clean up the spill

Tapper: sounds good

Powell: we gotta get in there and clean it
and do good stuff

Tapper: wow

Tapper: 17 years ago you said gays were
too icky to fight for America

Powell: yes but the Force is with us now

Tapper: oh

Powell: since then we’ve had Will & Grace and Sex and the City and of course Frasier and the revelation that General MacArthur was gay

Tapper: what?

Powell: oh I’ve said too much

Tapper: do you personally hate the gay?

Powell: we have to hear from every officer and they have to agree

Tapper: Operation Fuck Over Afghanistan is 9 years old and reading to enter elementary school

Powell: awwww

Tapper: this war is not supported by the public
and there is no decisive force

Powell: look I just made that Powell Doctrine shit up one night

Tapper: well it sounds like the mission sucks

Powell: by Obama added 68,000 troops

Tapper: then why does it suck so much?

Powell: because people hate both the Taliban
and America

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: we smack out foreheads a year from now and go ‘oh noe we fucked up!’

Tapper: should we pull out of Iraq?

Powell: it’s perfectly safe now with only 10
bombings a day - it’s like Philadelphia in July

Tapper: sounds about right

Powell: we have a big debt - who cares about Iraq?

Tapper: exactly - let’s attack Iran

Powell: right - those wily arabs have been sneaking around for thousands of years!

Tapper: Persians

Powell: who gives a shit Tappy - they’re
brown and scary!

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: IAEA inspections and if they violate we bring the hammer down!

Tapper: just like Iraq except then we lie and
start a war anyway

Powell: Shhhhh!!!!

Tapper: you care about education

Powell: I learned the importance of education and how stupidity can ruin America

Tapper: from your youth and life experience?

Powell: no when I served a moron President

Tapper: what does Memorial Day mean to you?

Powell: it reminds me that many Americans gave their lives so the President could lock people up without charges and assassinate Americans

Tapper: awesome

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