Sunday, May 09, 2010

Meet The Press with Eric Holder - May 9, 2010

Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
Katty Kay
Wes Moore
Gregory: is the Connecticut MBA bomber
a jihadist from Pakistan?

Holder: the Pakistan Taliban provided the financing and upfront costs for a percentage of the gross
and licensing rights

Gregory: they also brought us the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and the Miley Cyrus movie

Holder: it’s frightening

Gregory: but Janet Napolitano told me he
was a lone wolf!

Holder: she was playing you Fluffy

Gregory: is Pakistan going to help?

Holder: they’d fucking better

Gregory: how did a guy with a MBA become an unethical radical soulless dipshit?

Holder: it’s a mystery

Gregory: how come you didn’t arrest him
before he committed a crime?

Holder: it’s doesn’t work that way Dancing Dave

Gregory: these are homegrown terrorists!

Holder: they are people with clean skins

Gregory: like who use ivory soap?

Holder: yes - also white people

Gregory: why don’t you track all people
who go to Pakistan

Holder: 200,000 people!?

Gregory: yes dammit!

Holder: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: ok just stop the brown people who
travel to Pakistan

Holder: you’re full of bright ideas

Gregory: but you wouldn’t waste time searching
a white woman would you?

Holder: hey I could get arrested for doing that in Alabama

Gregory: why would you give an American citizen Miranda warnings - are you crazy??

Holder: Look first we interrogate, then we torture and after we get the information we want, then we give
Miranda warnings

Gregory: I’m still scared

Holder: I can tell

Gregory: so you want Congress to pass a law
letting you torture first and give them rights later

Holder: damm right Greggers

Gregory: that’s big news

Holder: correctamundo motherfucker

Gregory: will you buy KSM a house if he’s acquitted?

Holder: no you idiot

Gregory: well that’s hypocrisy

Holder: well it’s not like he’s got a green card stupid

Gregory: but you held a press conference about
the Times Square bomber!

Holder: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: what’s the holdup with KSM?!?

Holder: dude holding a trial in downtown NYC ain’t like a opening a lemonade stand!

Gregory: Gitmo is still open! FBI agents waste time chasing terrorists! My conditioner is not making my hair silky enough!

Holder: Jesus Christ do you have a fever?

Gregory: is racism over?

Holder: no - look at Arizona

[ break ]

Gregory: hey the Connecticut guy got money
from Pakistan

Brooks: this was an international plot involving
three whole canisters of propane!

Moore: it’s hate filled region with very porous border

Gregory: so Afghanistan is just like Arizona

Kay: racial screening can backfire

Dionne: propane scares me - this is real terrorism!

Gregory: but we can’t really stop terror attacks -
and this dude is obviously an idiot

Brooks: coming from you that means a lot

Gregory: thanks

Brooks: exactly - we need not to panic - also repeal the Constitution

Gregory: right - how else can we get the information we need??

Moore: we are a nation of laws - so we need to repeal those laws

Gregory: We’re going to have a Karzai love-fest this week

Kay: he’s going to a ribbon cutting at a Best Buy and be a guest judge on Project Runway

Dionne: I hate the term ‘lawyered up’ - lawyers defend rights for a reason

Gregory: but these are not people suspected of a crime - these are terrorists we need to torture!

Dionne: we should not trash our rights just because some loon bought some propane

Brooks: yes but at some point we should just salute the leader and give him unlimited power

Kay: Bush gave terrorists Miranda rights!

Brooks: well he was wrong - go Obama!

Gregory: Let’s talk about Obama’s mind - go EJ!

Dionne: Obama would like to nominate the person he thinks is best qualified in the whole country to
sit on the Supreme Court

Gregory: who is that?

Dionne: himself

Kay: Kagan is like a white female Obama - a consensus-seeking centrist

Moore: he needs to nominate someone who take Roberts in the annual SCOTUS Feats of Strength

Gregory: the Utah GOP told Bennett to fuck off

Brooks: his big mistake was to try and get things done - real conservatives hate that

Gregory: the modern Republican party has decided to drive out everyone out is not utterly insane

Brooks: hey TARP was a bad idea but conservatives have to work with liberals - they’re in the minority!

Gregory: everyone is mad at government and Obama sucks

Dionne: the people who are really mad are people who believe in government and don’t like to
see it suck

Dionne: it’s about basic values like rewarding the hard work of lobbyists

Kay: the lesson from Britain is that third-parties fail

Gregory: it’s great theatre

Kay: yes it would funny if it weren’t going to wreck the county

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press

1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Gregory: how did a guy with a MBA become an unethical radical soulless dipshit?

Holder: it’s a mystery