Sunday, May 09, 2010

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 9, 2010

Jake Tapper
Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
Rudy Giuliani

Tapper: so what’s up with the MBA bomber?

Holder: he might be connected to the Taliban
in Pakistan

Tapper: I thought Pakistan was our friend

Holder: oh they are - we are working closing with them like we are working closely with BP

Tapper: what consequences will they face?

Holder: we will write them a strongly worded letter telling them to clean up their mess

Tapper: I meant Pakistan - not BP

Holder: so did I

Tapper: Propane Boy was on a terror watch list for bringing large sums of cash into America -
why take him off the list?

Holder: dude we *want* people bringing cash into the U.S.!

Tapper: good point

Holder: damm right

Tapper: how the hell did you lose track of this
idiot terrorist?

Holder: he went through the Lincoln tunnel and
the agents didn’t have exact change

Tapper: we only avoided a major terror attack because he was incompetent

Holder: well yeah by that logic we only don’t have terror attacks because we get lucky because people don’t commit attacks

Tapper: isn’t the Constitution an old-fashioned relic? I mean it was written before John McCain was born -
I think

Holder: you’re right - we need to re-write the Constitution to allow for use of thumbscrews for
really bad guys

Tapper: Holy Joe wants to take away citizenship from people he doesn’t like - isn’t he right - after all Obama wants the authority to kill Americans

Holder: yes Obama would assassinate but not take away their citizenship

Tapper: so what would that mean?

Holder: [ pulls gun out ]
they have the right to remain silent - permanently!

Tapper: cool

Holder: Look we have the right to put people in a gulag and execute them - Sen. Droopy should
calm down

Tapper: have Gitmo prisoners rejoined the fight against America?

Holder: we’re going to send them were that
can’t happen

Tapper: where?

Holder: the island on Lost

Tapper: Are you going to put KSM on trial or what

Holder: we’re going to try him on the People’s Court

Tapper: oh my

Holder: Judge Joe Brown is a badass!

Tapper: you say we’re a nation of cowards because we don’t talk about race - so I dare you to call Arizona a bunch of racists

Holder: damm crackers!

Tapper: will your arrest BP?

Holder: we’re looking at creative options

Tapper: like what?

Holder: it involves tar and feathers

[ break ]

Tapper: Rudy you’re famous and a noted Crazy Person - what would you do with MBA
Propane Boy?

Giuliani: I would have declared him an enemy combatant, revoked his rights, tortured him for
5 or 6 hours and then never say anything because you know how reticent I am to brag about stopping terrorism

Tapper: so you would repeal the Constitution?

Giuliani: absolutely - look all this political correctness - Major Hasan, the underpants
bomber and now this guy - this is a pattern!

Tapper: what’s the pattern?

Giuliani: [laughs] ha ha ha ha

Tapper: what are you laughing at loony

Giuliani: warning people about their rights makes
no sense!

Tapper: oh no?

Giuliani: it’s not good policy - we need to torture people right now!!

Tapper: if you say so

Giuliani: [ laughs ] haw haw haw

Tapper: isn’t it glorifying these idiots to call
them combatants?

Giuliani: [ laughs ] we have to crush their testicles and I’d be happy to test the Constitutionality of that!

Tapper: you’re a very strange person, aren’t you?

Giuliani: [ laughs, drinks cup of blood ]

Tapper: isn’t driving Senator Bennett out of the
party out insane?

Giuliani: Obama is driving us to European
social democracy!

Tapper: how so?

Giuliani: like the big bailout of the banks

Tapper: Bush did that

Giuliani: and lending money to car companies for them to turn around and save thousands of jobs

Tapper: anything else?

Giuliani: and national security

Tapper: has Europe been attacked lately?

Giuliani: Europe has been overrun with
brown people - do we really want America to become like that?

Tapper: good luck with that Rudy

Giuliani: [ turns into bat, flies away ]


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