Meet The Press - Sunday, August 26, 2007

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Meet The Press
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Guest: Senator John Warner
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Tim Russert: You said we should withdraw from Iraq why did you say that

Senator Warner: I say this respectfully - because i don't respect Bush at all - Bush said it was all up to Maliki and man I wouldn't trust that dood to run an ice cream stand

Russert: But bush loves him

Warner: He's a complete failure

Russert: you’re trying to get Maliki's attention

Warner: Bush's too - i tried the feather on a string thing but nothing seems to work with President Stupid

Russert: One of Bush's employee's says it would be a step backwards he says if we were to leave and insurgents would immediately take over

Warner: Crimminy that proves my point apparently we've accomplished nothing in 4 years!!!

Russert: Things aren't going great?

Warner: Iraqi troops totally suck

Russert: Peter Pace wants withdrawal

Warner: here's a newsflash Commander Stupid has wrecked our military by sticking them in the desert for 4 years getting shot at

Russert: what happens next

Warner: if had to fight in Iran or North Korea we're fucked

Russert: should we withdrawal?

Warner: Bush has until September 15 to come to his senses

Russert: is Maliki right that Americans should keep troops in his country to prop him up and butt out of his affairs?

Warner: fuck him

Russert: so should we set up timetables and leave

Warner: Tim I just said that but i did it in such a folksy way you didn't get it

Russert: you're like a Mark Twain character

Warner: all i want is for Bush to do what he fucking said he was going to do gosh darn it

Russert: Maliki says al Sadr is a good guy

Warner: oh lawdy lawdy why are we fucking around in this blasted land

Russert: who's side are we on

Warner: it's a fucking struggle for power dood they don't care about America one way or the other

Russert: why can't they all just get along???

Warner: i don't know its a mystery we've bombed the shit out of their country what more could we do

Russert: beats me

Warner: they promised our troops they would deliver Iraq to us by gawd

Russert: what if Bush tells you to go fuck yourself?

Warner: I whipped that boy good last year and he went to general quarters and he created this whole surge business

Russert: but you supported it

Warner: right i want the president to seek the light

Russert: are you all talk or are you going to back it up with action you senile bastard?

Warner: if Bush doesn't make some token gesture in September I willl stick my Virginian boot up his ass

Russert: i don't believe you i think you‘re full of it

Warner: fiddlesticks

Russert: what about your buddies in the Senate

Warner: hey they're scared they will break with Bush they have to or lose office

Russert: they're AWOL

Warner: i'm trying you know i can't get Norm Coleman out of the Senate washroom he stays in there all day sobbing

Russert: are you going to run again you’re 80 years old

Warner: you think you're better than me? I'll wrassil you right here and now Timmy

Russert: hey whatever old man

Warner: i keep a diary - look here's my entry for today: "Dear Diary, today i delivered a beat down on that little punk Tim Russert"


Senator John Warner of Virginia


[break]




Thomas Ricks (author of “Fiasco”): the situation in Iraq is even more fucked than you can imagine

Michael Gordon (author of “Cobra II”): it's all politics the US is trying to unite the Sunnis to stop all the fighting

Russert: but arming the sunnis and shiites is insane

Gordon: nobody said it was perfect

Russert: are we dumping Maliki

Richard Engel (NBC News Middle East Bureau Chief): yes he will fall soon and then it will really be fun in Iraq

Russert: solution?

Engel: power sharing is a stupid idea it’s not working

Russert: how do we fix it?

Engel: we admit "blue fingers day" was a disaster and hold new elections and hopefully a new Saddam will emerge

Ricks: troops will be drawn down in April of 2008 -- maybe

Gordon: they have to come down in March of next year

Tim: oh ok

Gordon: the NIE said if we leave we will lose all the gains we've made

Tim: that's awful

Gordon: yes this is inevitable no one even bothers to ask why we're there anymore

Tim: is a civil war inevitable?

Engel: oh yes it's happening right now and also the US troops are primed to say the Democratic Party stabbed them in the back

Russert: Rugtosslegende

Engel: US soldiers are helping old women and children it's all they have

Gordon: the next 3-4 months will determine the future of Iraq

Russert: what will happen

Gordon: i have no idea

Ricks: this is worse than Vietnam because we could walk away from there but the middle east has oil

Engel: eventually US troops will pull back to their bases doing nothing while a war rages around them for 10-15 years

Russert: did you say years???

Engel: yup

Gordon: if we leave the chaos will be even more chaotic

Ricks: we need to get beyond politics and get together and agree on a solution even though there isn't one

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The Chris Matthews Show - Sunday, August 26, 2007

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The Chris Matthews Show
Sunday, August 26, 2007
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Hillary Clinton: i am a senator and proud of it

Mike Duffy: she thinks she can beat the curse

Chris Matthews: she’s running as an insider

Michele Norris: she’s teh warrior

Matthews: it's a scandal

David Brooks: Dems sound like Reagan they bash Washington

Matthews: why do they lose?

Brooks: they talk alot and no one understands them

Matthews: projection much dood?

Matthews: but i can't imagine Obama in the senate i picture him in chicago

Norris: he dresses like a black man not a Senator

John Edwards: look how cool i am i'm not in the senate

Brooks: America needs experience this time

Matthews: the Bush presidency changed everything

Brooks: i know what the people are thinking

Matthews: i luv fred thompson and his Laz E Boy chair wow!!!!

Matthews: Hillary’s feisty!!!! I'm yur gurl!!! i luv it!!!! She like a devil and jane fonda!!!!

Brooks: i liked it! I'm yur girl!!! Men love agressive women!!!

Norris: she said i'm yur sister too

Matthews: i luv it i'm your girl ha ha ha ha ha

Norris: women should have bashed her for using the word girl I'm very sad they didn’t pick up on this totally fake issue

Matthews: tell me something I don’t know

Parker: The Dems are writing off Florida already

Duffy: we will begin to withdraw troops from iraq soon

Norris: California will wreck democracy and hand the election to the Republicans

Brooks: feel the Bidentropy!!!

Democratic Debate - Sunday, August 19, 2007

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Democratic Debate
Des Moines, Iowa
ABC
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Host: George Stephanopoulos
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Stephanopoulos: Sen. Clinton Is Obama to young and inexperienced?

Hillary: oh I'm not touching that one dood

Stephanopoulos: but you called him naive and irresponsible

Hillary: Obama gave away a total bargaining chip diplomacy is like playing poker you gotta know when to hold and when to fold em

Dodd (1%): words mean something and we might destabilize Musharraf if we go after al qaeda and we can’t risk doing that do it we need his help in going after al qaeda

Biden: Pakistan is New Most Dangerous Country in the World!! It's Jiahdist Central!

Richardson: hey I hang out with lunatic dictators all the time like at my birthday parties and stuff

Obama: Hillary is afraid to meet with our adversaries and i will -s he dosen'want to go after Osama and I do.

Also, she has a policy of lying to the American people, and I disagree - also I'm the agent of change, and she's totally part of the whole K street lobbyist corporate funding expess

Stephanopoulos: yur a nuke flip flopper

Clinton: no Bush wanted a Bunker Buster and i said no way dood but there are differences for instance I'm a woman and Bill Clinton was the first black president.

Obama: give me a fucking break

Edwards: look at how smooth and friendly and sweet I am I love everybody

Stephanopoulos: hypotheticals?

Edwards: i won't answer that but i would call on Superman to eliminate all nuclear weapons

[ applause ]

Gravel: we blew the shit out of Iraq and of course that means we should attack Iran - wow I feel like I'm in crazy-land

Richardson: a President should always be clear that's why no candidate should ever clearly answer a hypothetical question

Stephanopoulos: is Rove right Hillary is to negative to win?

Obama: i'm not red or blue and if your're tired of the meanness and division of the Clinton machine, then I'm YOUR GUY

Stephanopoulos: but she's our girl

Obama: I don't want to just win I want to govern well

Edwards: The Democrats won in 2006 cause we were for change

Stephanopoulos: but you weren't even part of that election

Edwards: look i speak sweetly but I will crush the lobbyists and smile while i do it

Clinton: ha ha ha ha Karl Rove is out to get me and why? Because the Clinton machine is vicious and they will fuck your shit up and if you want to win you go with us!!!

Stephanopoulos: but you're The Establishment

Clinton: no I take on the special interests

Stephanopoulos: name one and don't forget I know you

Clinton: I can't think of anything

Edwards: look I love Hillary - I'll never forget those six weeks in the summer of 1996 while Bill was off campaigning

Stephanopoulos: back on topic please

Edwards: oh right Hillary is hot but I've never forgiven her when I caught her in bed with a lobbyist

Dodd (1%): Public financing for campaigns and men's hair dye!

Biden: I'm the only one who cares about Iraq

Richardson: no i have a plan to dictate about how they should divide oil revenues

Biden: c'mon I developed a plan with Leslie Gelding to divide Iraq into little pieces and give them some breathing room and what about the innocents in the Green Zone???

Clinton: let me speak forcefully without actually saying anything specific like we should push the Iraqi government and leave carefully and do some diplomacy people don't like to hear that this is difficult but that's me - I speak vague truths!!

Stephanopoulos: remove all troops?

Clinton: we should move them really slowly I'm mean you ever hire professional movers??? You've got to wrap everything in bubble wrap and stuff

Gravel (0%) Um, what the fuck - Iraq is not our country who the hell are we to dictate to Iraq how they should live?

Stephanopoulos: that's a losing battle dood

Edwards: those Republicans are Bush on steroids!

Obama: can I talk?

Stephanopoulos: no we did you already

Richardson: let's just pull everyone out and watch Iraq explode from far away or add an All-Muslim Peacekeeping Force

Stephanopoulos: that's not a contradiction in terms

Biden: look i'm very depressed and I'll probably drop out soon but first I have to tell you that in our lifetime these people will never agree so we have to separate the angry parties

Stephanopoulos: you're a barrel of laughs

Biden: no there's more - our pals Turkey will attack and our friends of Saudis funding more war -

Stephanopoulos: solution?

Biden: We separated Vlad the Impaler and Frankenstein and things worked out well

Obama: let me point out i voted against the war and I point that out because you all talkin' about experience and what did that get you - shit city

Kucinich: defund the war and do it now

E-mail Q from Utah: Do you believe prayer can prevent bridges fall down?

Clinton: well hey i like prayer but you know pass the ammunition

Dodd: i doubt God makes hurricanes happen

Edwards: no you can't prevent a disaster thru prayer

Gravel: praying for war bums me out we need the love, man

Stephanopoulos: wow what drugs are you on

Bill: i'm a big Papist and when you're Catholic lately you have to pray a whole lot

Biden: you have to pray after disasters not before

Obama: prayer is awesome but the real lesson is to pray that you have the ability to act on shit you can control

Kucinich: dood I've been praying to god that you would call on me

Stephanopoulos: small farmers?

Dodd: i love 'em

Edwards: our trade policy is always about benefiting the Big Corporations and not the middle class

Clinton: since we're in Iowa let me bring up my 9- point plan for helping family farmers

Stephanopoulos: of course your prepared answer

Clinton: i'm pro-american -- notice i didn't say anything specific

Obama: no more subisidies for AgriBusiness

Video Q: Tell us all about your lies

Gravel: I can answer that the others are lying

Stephanopoulos: what about your lies

Gravel: i like Matlock!

Biden: dood i always speak my mind and i come from a slave state so you know it's true

Kucinich: the truth you need is on your shoulder

Obama: i'm against global warming but i keep my AC on even durning the winter

Stephanopoulos: what else

Obama: i hate Detroit

Edwards: dood obviously my vote on Iraq see i didn't admit at the time that i was secretly against it see I was right!!!

Clinton: i regret that Bush abused the permission I gave him

Stephanopoulos: for god's sake why

Clinton: he gave me a plastic turkey

Bill Richardson: if you need Saddam to ask the North Koreans to get us hostages from Syria I'm your guy

Dodd: i didn't filibuster over the whole torture law and i promise i will if i'm President

Q: Teachers?

Dodd: I’m against merit pay

Obama: try to get a buy-in from teachers on what they think it works after all no one else seems to give a shit about educating our nation's youth

Clinton: we should hve a school-wide incentive pay like a House Cup schools could play Quidditch and stuff and win new classrooms

Stephanopoulos: interesting

Clinton: technology in classrooms

Richardson: a federal minimum wage for teachers and scrap NCLB would also change the all classes and math and science and art and-

Stephanopoulos: enough

Gravel: Iran. No, not Iran, Spain. I mean France. Not Italy. Europe. Who are we going to nuke! Matlock! Three Loins in the Fountain!

Obama: my sister is a poorly paid teacher so I know

Kucinich: we need to have tv ads where a guy shakes his fathers hand and looks him the eye after he becomes a teacher

Biden: school administrators suck we should pay good teachers real money

Q: housing crisis?

Biden: this rabbitt hole is deep!

Obama: we need more regulation of unscrupulous lenders

Dennis: no more bailouts of big lenders the government should take over lending

Stephanopoulos: What is the decisive moment in your life?

Kucinich: i was living in a car and I said no way I want to help people

Obama: i grew up an angry young man and i said enough of this shit I got to get involved

Biden: the civil rights movement

Richardson: when my wife agreed to marry me

[ awwww ]

Gravel: when i learned Matlock was on 5 day a week

Edwards: my father did not go to college but he always tried to learn and that touched me

Dodd: when my Dad told me to run for office

Hillary: my Mom couldn't go to college but gave me the strength to tell Karl Rove to go fuck himself

Stephanopoulos: and that's it

Meet the Press - Sunday August 19, 2007

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Meet the Press
Sunday August 19, 2007
Host: David Greogry
Guest: Gregory’s Dancing Partner and Former Top White House Adviser, Karl Rove
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Gregory: dood you completely suck

Rove: yeah but SUNY Buffalo said we were going to lose in 2000 and we got the the Supreme Court to put us in office

Gregory: but-

Rove: let me finish then we had 9/11 and swift boating and we won some more

Gregory: but now people hate the Republicans

Rove: oh sure the GOP is trouble but we were also in 1999 and we managed to steal that election and we'll do it again in 2008

Gregory: you lost your national security advantage

Rove: whatever I’m going to lower expectations about 2008 look we probably have no chance

Gregory: are you screwed?

Rove: i don't think either party can win

Gregory: what?

Rove: it's very hard to win maybe we should have coup

Greogry: there's an idea

Rove: We should not have won in 2000

Gregory: that's true

Rove: Bush is a hero he gave us the The Greatest Day Ever and put us on a war footing and that is awesome

Gregory: uh huh

Rove: Bush takes on big crazy challenges and fails

Gregory: most impressive but he is not a Jedi yet

Rove: we're in a tough war no doubt about it but we still Tatooine

Greogry: ok

Rove: let's not be a society where you judge presidents by their failures remember FDR did a lousy job with WWII

Gregory: Cheney said Iraq would be a quagmire in 1994

Rove: you know what? you know what? you know what? that was 1994. On 9/11 we l learned that we live in a Dangerous World and Saddam was ignoring the United Nations!!! Thumbing his nose!!! Terrorists!!! Oil for Food!!!

Greogry: so 9/11 meant that Iraq would not be a quagmire?

Rove: yes after four plane were hijacked that meant we would be greeted with candy and flowers in Iraq

Gregory: oh ok

Rove: look after 9/11 we learned that muslims plan to seize oil in the middle east and use those funds to launch an attack on the West and make all our women wear burkhas

Greogry: you were wrong about everything so why do you think it was a good idea to invade???

Rove: look Iraq has oil and we had to seize it before non-Christians did

Gregory: well that makes sense

Gregory: are we going to invade Iran i want a fun war

Rove: yes

Gregory: you destroyed the CIA

Rove: i recollect that i didn't kill anyone

Gregory: why did you do that?

Rove: i can't tell you

Gregory: did Bush yell at you?

Rove: no i did everything right as soon as i broke the law i talked to Bush's DOJ

Gregory: did you do the right thing?

Rove: Joe Wilson lied he was never in Africa now let me lie some more about Joe Wilson based on crap the RNC made up

Gregory: dish on Hillary

Rove: people hate her

Gregory: Bush's numbers are much worse

Rove: so fuck you

Gregory: you want her don't you

Rove: i'm a furry didn't you know

Gregory: Hillary sez you hate the military

Rove: no bush appears with his little soliders all the time

Gregory: is she a strong candidate

Rove: no let me go after her strength she is against health care, drugs, liablity reform, and she wants to kill elderly people

Gregory: you hate US Attorneys

Rove: that's true but i really hate Congress how can Bush be a Dictator and run the world if elected officials are always on his ass

Greogry: you cut you teeth committing crimes with CREEP in 1972

Rove: ratfucking -- man those were some fun times

Gregory: will you dance with me again

Rove: no way even i was embarrassed by that

[ break - panel ]

Brownstein: Rove and Bush mobilized their own side, generated by lies and hate, but this have come back to bite them in the ass

O'Beirne: i agree that Bill Clinton was a bad president and destroyed the Democratic party

Gregory: funny i don't recall saying that

O'Beirne: hey Rove did win three times

Gregory: he sez he didn't confirm Plame

Cooper: oh Rove is just a fucking liar believe me he told me about it

Gregory: he won't apologize

Cooper: he's inhuman

Hardwood: Rove is brilliant and he's a historian but c'mon he's not that good

O'Beirne: Fred Grumpy has to run because George Allen used the word macacca

Gregory: gee what a great party you got there

Rudy Giuliani: my family hates me it's like the Godfather

Brownstein: true he's an evil bastard but it's mature to judge him for his record of being covered in dust

Gregory: Obama is really blasting Hillary he used to be cool and at ease

Cooper: my wife works for Hillary

Gregory: whoa disclosure dood they're going to take away your Beltway Pundit Card

Brownstein: if she wins in the Iowa then it's over

Brownstein: It's Change vs. More Change

O'Beirne: democratic primary voters are evil they're all haters

Harwood: i get an erection when i hear Fred Thompson say he's going to "talk straight"

*Special Edition* Hardball, August 10, 2007

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*Special Edition*
Hardball, August 10, 2007
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Matthews: my money!

Erin Burnett: dood it's like 1987

Chris: yeah but you were 12 and i was poor!

Matthews: should we whip inflation now?

Erin: Sure Bernanke could reduce rates but what about the Chinese and Japanese and Russians and others

Matthews: scary

Erin: lead toys and poison food keep real estate prices low!!

Matthews: Californication?

Erin: better not buy that vineyeard Yellow Haid

Matthews: god damm there goes Chateau Aqua Velva

Matthews: what about the young ones

Erin: maybe everyone wasn't meant to owe a home it's not a right

Matthews: yeah Jimmy Stewart said best to wait to own one until yur too old to enjoy it

Erin: welcome to Pottersville dood

Matthews: could you come in closer honey

Erin: what?

Matthews: closer to the camera baby

Erin: what the fuck dood

Matthews: closer love the lens do it baby

Erin: are you crazy?

Matthews: HA! just kidding honey baby yur the best

Erin: you a deeply mentally ill

Matthews: i love it!!!

Erin: get some therapy pscyho

Matthews: Ha!

Erin: oh my god you are so fucking weird

[break]

Hillary on tape: unite and back me are you with i'm a winner and i'm your gurl

Majorie: i love the phrase it's like saying you go girl

Kate: i'm not a feminist but oh my god i was clutching my pearls and i got the vapors she's a hyprocrite because she's pretending she's not a radical

Matthews: but it's not fair why can't Rudy call her a girl or feminist or a bitch

Marjorie: oh for god's sake

Kate: but it's hypocritical we all know Hillary is evil and she's pretending she's not radical

Matthews: ha i love it

Kate: radical feminist!! radical feminist!!!

Matthews: will all wommin vote hillary

Majorie: no guess what they care about economy and change and iraq and everything

Matthews: you girls are both wearing pearls ha ha ha

Kate: what an idiot you are

Matthews: is this the junior league why don't you pretty ladies go bake me something

Marjorie: jesus what stupid fucking white boy

Matthews: Romney poll tax ?

Deroy: yeah it's the straw poll tax

Eamon: it's the only game in town

Chris: ha that is the funniest thing i've ever heard

Julie: ha ha ha ha ha

Chris: huckabee's waterloo?

Chris: i hate mexicans

Julie: Tancredo!!

Deroy: ron paul

Matthews: i love that guy! He's like Barry Goldwater!!!

Matthews: hillary was very successful even though she was wrong going after Obama

Julie: i can never remember six months

Deroy: flip flopper im very concerned

Matthews: let's all be honest i would use a small kiloton bomb in Iraq but not in Pakistan

Eamon: incinierating innnocent people is not a big selling point in Democratic politics

Deroy: i love nukes

Matthews: oh you're absolutely right it's nice to burn the skin off people now and then -- you never know we may need to kill milllions to avoid getting into a war

Deroy: oh let's not argue about which Republicans dodged the draft or had affairs who went after teenage boys

Matthews: but dammit young men are in Iraq thanks to Mitt Romeny but what about his OWN FUCKING FAMILY

Deroy: well maybe they told him to fuck off

Eamon: um yeah obviously he's rich of course they never serve

Matthews: yeah but they're so eager to start wars aren't they

Eamon: i asked a WWII vet about those dudes who never served and they said yeah it made them more hesitant war is not a Rambo movie despite what the freepers think

Matthews: is Obama black enuf

Obama: dudes i'm not that kid from the Fresh Prince i organize in the inner city and everything

Deroy: Clarence Thomas!!! Drop of blood! Dood looks black to me!

Matthews: me too i guess that settles it

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Meet The Press - August 12, 2007

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Meet The Press
August 12, 2007
Guest Host: David Gregory
Guests: Markos Moulitsas and Harold Ford
************************************************************

Gregory plays Ford Quote:

[ Centrism Rulz!! Republicans are Teh Best!!! ]

Ford: i luv Kos he's teh new Limbaugh and thats awesome but let's be honest the real reason for 2006 is Commander Stupid not teh netrootz

Gregory: you hate lefties

Ford: they all suck -- they have no values, they hate America, families, god, the troops and they're big spending liberals

Gregory plays Kos Quote:
[ we rule, they suck and it's our party now ]

Kos: give me a break the DLC has a 20 year record of losing - in 2002 we had a new approach - passion and be honest

Gregory: but you're a liberal!!!

Kos: it's not about me jackass

Gregory: what's your advice to candidates?

Kos: be honest about your passions and let the chips fall where they may

Ford: i believe Democrats should take every single issue and triangulate it and issue vague-sounding pleasing statements about flag waving and bullshit like that

Gregory: Kos why do hate the war on terror?

Kos: i was told you’re a toadying dick, david gregory

Gregory: hey that’s not civil

Kos: hey big surprise Americans want their bridges to stay up

Ford: that bridge collapse is not my fault!

Kos: dood when you cut taxes what do you think happens

Ford: but look at my pretty triangle!!

Gregory: Gays! Hippies! Abortion!

Ford: hey i'm the reform guy look at the DLC we’re in ur house crashing yur gates - we're crazy wacky and successful

Kos: excuse me aren't you unemployed?

Ford: in my defense i had no idea how Iraq would turn out so only people like me can be trusted on national security

Gregory: Gay marriage! War! Freaks! You're all weirdos! The Democrats don’t get along do they

Kos: there zero disagreement about pulling out of Iraq

Gregory: but *how* do you pull out

Kos: like, leave dood

Ford: i reduced crime and balanced the budget

Kos: I am squishing your head

Ford: not fair Kos you can't have it both ways

Kos: squish squish

Ford: stop that

Kos: seeing Obama become a national figure you must die a little inside

Ford: you can only win elections acting like a right wing nut!

Kos: how's you buddy don imus haven't heard much from him lately either

Ford: i was his magic negro!
[weeps]

Ford [recovers]: the DLC is superior in electability!

Kos: dood you lost

Ford: my powder is so fucking dry it's amazing

Kos: you go on Fox news and attack me

Ford: why do you hate jews markos

Kos: yeah whatever asshole

Gregory: you hate Hillary Clinton

Kos: first let me say she's warm and smart and she gave us our propers and look you know 90,000 supporters is still pretty good

Ford: look this is simple -- these dirty bloggers need to learn their place and agree with us and a big tent party create unity and then everything will be fine

Kos: that's what i've been trying to do on my massive website buddy - and who showed up at your DLC convention?? - oh right i almost forgot - nobody did

[break]

Gregory: Float like a Butterfly Sting Like a Huckabee

Byron York: Romney bought this election in Iowa

Gregory: what about Huck?

York: yeah he rulez he spent $2.65 on this race

Greogry: per voter?

York: no overall

Chuck Todd: It's all Huckabee this morning poor guy had no money and Norquist attacked him

Mike Duffy: Romney is now the big dog in the race luckily for us in media they all have great flaws and will go after each other

Margaret Carlson: Romney goofed by buying it so openly Huckabee actually has people who like him

York: in 2004 he discovered he loved fetuses

Gregory: your hair looks very nice this morning

Byron: you too Gregster

Todd: what no props for my manicured beard -- you think this just happens???

Gregory: Chuck what about the election?

Todd: the winner of South Carolina either Romney or Rudy will win the nomination

McCain: yes to Imus, no Bonds

Duffy: i doubt he can come back

Carlson: Rudy has descended into the Twilight zone of Delusions he thinks he prevented a Third Tower from falling

Byron's Hair: Thompson is an actor and that translates to real leadership

Todd: He's running as George W. Bush

Gregory: well that's doesn't sound like a good idea at all

Duffy: Fred Thompson is actually a hologram

Carlson: they can't embrace Bush but they can't attack him either the crazies still love him

York: Romney blew a gasket last week on the radio and said i'm running as a person of faith not a Mormon

Gregory: this week Dems went to hang out with the gays are the crazies taking out the party

Carlson: no those liberals are now the mainstream on gays and labor

Todd: the right wing attacks suggest that Hillary is a lefty it's amazing

Gregory: her cleavage is a wedge issue

Todd: Iowa is panicking wants to move to December 2007 but New Hampshire can move it to Saturday

Gregory: in January 2008?

Todd: no next Saturday
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The Chris Matthews Show - August 12, 2007

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The Chris Matthews Show
August 12, 2007
************************************************************

Matthews: could have a President with cancer?

Ignatius: We need a president with Vigah!!!

Parker: don't lie about that thing on your face, John McCain

Matthews: i like my men rough and ready - i mean how can a Chief Executive who isn't physically strong fight overseas???

Stengel: Our president must be a great athlete - we should elect barry bonds

Matthews: in an age of terrorism presidents must never sleep

Bumiller: George Herbert Walker Bush once broke my ankle

Ignatius: Tsongas lied to me!!!

Matthews: that's why i could never run i'd have to reveal my mental health history

Ignatius: i luv vigorousness

Matthews: i miss my daddy but would he be too old to be president at 104???

Parker: McCain is too old to be driving much less run the country

Ignatius: 50 is the new 70

Matthews: i'm sick of the boomer generation ha ha ha ha here are some tired cliches - what about my daddy??? Or younger brother???

Ignatius: we're all fucking narcissists - except you Tweety you're just Oedipal

Matthews: i hate all 50 million baby boomers everywhere because they're all attention-seekers saying ‘Look At Me’

Parker: jeebus look who's talking Matthews

Bush: [ now watch this drive! ]

Matthews: I hate this guys!!!!

Ignatius: ha ha ha

Parker: i hate boomers too!

Audience: you're all psychotic

[ Clip of The Music Man ]

Matthews: ha i love movies!!

[Dean Scream ]

Matthews: ha ha ha ha ha

Ignatius: everyone knows that Iowa is important therefore it is because we've all bought into it

Matthews: but people who win in Iowa lose elsewhere

Ignatius: yes it’s true what i say makes no sense at all

Bumiller: Iowa is where it's at

Matthews: please tell me Hillary will lose

Parker: could happen

Matthews: but The Big Dog can win it back 4 her

Stengel: Iowa is stupid there’s no secret ballot

Matthews: why do you say that

Stengel: because of what i just said

Matthews: but it's in the middle of America!!

Stengel: there’s no jews, blacks, Hispanics, or normal people

Matthews: but they have mexicans there now

Stegel: yeah i'm sure they vote dood

Matthews: tell me something fun

Parker: the Freepers looking to France to figure out how to win

Stengel: Gore is not going win a Nobel cause it might affect the US election

Bumiller: Rummy sez Iraq is not his fault

Ignatius: the CIA will hire more covert agents who will then be outed by the Republican party

Matthews: GOP flee from Bush?

Parker: yes

Stengel: of course not, Petraus is a whore for Bush

Bumiller: we're withdrawing from Iraq!!

Ignatius: sadly for the White House nuts in September Iraq will still suck

****************************************************************

McLaughlin Group - August 12, 2007

*****************************************
McLaughlin Group
August 12, 2007
******************************************

McLaughlin: Mortgage crisis grave!!

Bush: it’s Congress' fault!!!

Pat: the big boys will be saved

Dodd and Franks: bailout!

Clift: obviously Bush won't act so Dems have to

Blankely: playing politics when Republicans screw up is bad!!

Zuckerman: it's an unsolved problem because the loans exceed the value of homes

McL: when is the recovery gonna happen

Zuckerman: 99% financing is crazee

Clift: blame the lenders!

Zuckerman: it was a bubble plain and simple

McL: recession!!!??

Pat: the little guys will be screwed as usual

Zuckerman: could be recession of course Republicans will be blamed

Pat: if the Chinese sell the dollar we are all royally fucked


Pat: the little guys will be screwed as usual

McL: Predictions!

Pat: ‘Bowling Alone’ guy says diversity is bad!

Clift: Newt is running for president in a campaign modeled on Sarkozy

Tony: Maliki will be out by 2008

Mort: fed will cut interest rates

Tony: Mursharraf will survive
***********************************************

Interviews with the Democrats - LOGO Network

**********************************************************
Interviews with the Democratic Candidates
GLBT Issues - The LOGO Network
August 9, 2007

(Sorry - only caught the middle of Richardson and Hillary Clinton. Hopefully it will be rerun)
************************************************************

*** BILL RICHARDSON ***

Bill Richardson:

sure i've said slurs against gay people but i've had gay cabinet members and iv'e even had good relations with transgendered people like Rudy Giuliani

Carlson: that's ok, pedro, we all make mistakes

Bill: i killed Doma don't kill me

Joe: gay marriage yes or no

Bill: [ long silence ]

Joe: speak english senor?

Bill: gay marriage is not gonna happen so hey whatever

Joe: cop out dood

Bill: i hate discrimination

Melissa: is gayness a choice or not

Bill: oh definitely a choice

Melissa: christ how did you ever get elected i don't think you understood me idiot

Bill: i'm not a scientist but i remember choosing to like women - especially hot latina women with a big caboose

Melissa: ok that's enough

Bill: that's just me i'm hispanic

Melissa: how do you think it makes me feel to live a country that tells me i don't deserve equal rights

Bill: that’s bad

Carlson: but if it's a choice then it's not a civil right so where is your brain

Richardson: no it's a matter of equal rights -- look maybe i'm not getting through cause i look bored and uncomfortable but look i've actually done shit on this issue

Carlson: closing statement

Richardson: please melissa tell Al Gore not to run

Etheridge: anything else

Bill: i plan to unify america by so boring everyone they will forget whatever they were angry about

*** HILLARY CLINTON ***

Carlson: wow you're hot i like your blouse

Hillary: thanks but i'm not gay

Carlson: don’t ask don’t tell

Hillary: i came out against "don't ask" in 1999 but hey look if you remember 1993 there was a witch hunt

Carlson: people were out to get you it's true

Clinton: no i mean against gay people - it was a Military Gay Relationship McCarthyism in those days

Carlson: wow Andy Sullivan's head must have exploded he’s gay but loves McCarthyism

Clinton: it was terrible in those days in 1993 they drove many cunning linguists out of the military - hey even Colin Powell saw "Hairspray" and changed his mind.

Joe: why do u hate gay weddings?

Clinton: it's personal for me i'd have to start going to even more weddings and buy gifts, and not just a toaster but something really tasteful - you know how gays are - and that would be just a huge pain in the ass

Joe: that's a good point

Clinton: look a lot of people hate gays so we have to move with a slow hand

Joe: well dammit we're frustrated

Hillary: oh i get it but admit it this is not a long term struggle yet look at how long the Jim Crow laws lasted

Joe: too damm long

Hillary: we had to have DOMA or Karl Rove would have rounded the gays and put them in camps

Etheridge: i came out as gay the week your husband was elected and he broke his promises and threw the gays under the bus

Clinton: well now hold on -- we had to deal with Gingrich and impeachment and my ambitions and i marched in the gay pride parade and that surprised people who didn't know Oprah and i had an affair

Melissa: so let’s see some leadership now

Clinton: if i were like you i would feel like you do

Melissa: you mean if you were gay?
Democratic Candidates
LOGO Network
August 9, 2007

Sorry, only saw then end of Bill Richardson and Hillary Clinton)


Clinton: no, talented

Capeheart: Peter Pace sez gays are immoral

Hillary: well he's an idiot then isn’t he

Carlson: will u be my girl

Hillary: maggie i am your girl!!

Carlson: ooh hooo!

Clinton: America is a whacked out country its true -- my GLBT aides tell that they're human and that's very interesting to me
*****************************************************

Democratic Debate - ALF-CIO

*****************************************
Democratic Debate - ALF-CIO
August 7, 2007
Soldier Field Chicago
MSNBC
*******************************************

Obama: Everyone knows where Al Qaeda is, but how far are we prepared to go - they pull a knife, we pull a gun, they send one our troops the hospital, we send of theirs to the morgue thats teh Chicago Way!!!

[ applause ]

Biden: in Hillary's little city mole people live in aluminum tubes its crazeee!!!! I will debate Rudy and i swear i will yell so loud he'll wish he brought bernie kerik to whisper in his ear thou art immortal!!!

Olbermann: okaaayyyy

Edwards: everyone knows i'm down with organzied labor i'm like Gephardt only with eyebrows and integrity

Keith: interesting

Edwards: look at what happened Saturday at YearlyKos Hillary loves Lobbyists and i say no to that!

Keith: taxpayer funded Steroid Palaces?

Kucinich: i was mayor of KeelberTown and i bought the Elves baseball team they won the chocolate pennant

Olbermann: awesome

Kucinich: sure we should invest it will bring jobs

Obama: that's why i spent your taxes on a football stadium go Bears!

Richardson: AFL-CIO in da house!! Give me money!!

Audience: wooo hooo!!

Bill: Electric grid! Commuter rail! Flying cars!

Olbermann: NAFTA yes or no?

Hillary: this will shock you but i have 12 point plan that addresses this issue too

Olbermann: of course you do

Hillary: i want a Trade Cop, maybe -
[removes sunglasses]

David Caruso

Olbermann: excellent

Richardson: no more trade agreements ever unless it's all unionized and no wage disparity

Olbermann: no shit

Obama: i keep trying to call the President of Mexico but he keeps dodging me - either that or i'm calling a restaurant by mistake

Keith: yo quiero NAFTA?

Biden: u hate me don't you

Olbermann: quit bitching baldy

Biden: i would bomb Canada

Dodd: i'm really really old and i've been in teh senate a long time

Edwards: Lobbyists wrote NAFTA i hate corporate America

Kucinich: Withdraw from NAFTA!!

Olberamann: wow i think corporate America fears u more than Edwards

Edwards: fucking midget stole my thunder

Hillary: look assholes this is real simple support me and we can have a united party - you wanna make the wingnuts head explode - i'm your girl

Obama: look this is a global economy but the Republicans are in too deep with Corporations so it's subtle but important

Keith: China yes or no

Richardson: China should stop you know fooling around with currency and stuff

Obama: Take 'em to the mat! Hit 'em with the chair! Stop borrowing from 'em!

Biden: George W. Bush borrowed money from the Chinese to pay for the Iraq yeah that was brilliant

Hillary: damm right bush is the credit card king

Dodd: the yellow peril is building an army!!!!

Edwards; what about human rights and inferior shit and tainted water and crap

Kucinich: when you’re in a hole to china, stop digging!

[applause ]

Gravel: [asleep in front of Matlock marathon]

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Keith: what if al qaeda takes over the entire country of Iraq

Richardson: that's ridiculous

Obama: i remind you for the millionth time i was right about this war

Keith: we all know that

Obama: criminy shocking i know but the reason al qaeda is there is because we're there - and they already are in Pakistan

Biden: let's set up a government and DIVIDE IRAQ!!!!

Hillary: i have a 19 point plan to withdraw troops but we can't leave until al qaeda is completely gone

Dodd: i luv our boyz and girlz in teh uniform

[ yay! ]

Edwards: i would sit down with the sunnis and shia and get to them to settle their differences like i did when i was a trial lawyer

Olbermann: like how

Edwards: like say there's genocide i would plan to sue in that case

Kucinich: Get out Now! Here's my plan: Congress should start dictating foreign policy to George Bush

Keith: what's up with paying for war Obama dude

Obama: trying to send a message to the president but i'm not like Kerry i luv the troops and it's bush who is fucking them over

Keith: can u command

obama: the joint chiefs will say how high when i say jump

Hillary: now wait just a second Obama this is Bush's war not mine and look i had to weigh how angry primary voters are with how that vote would play in the general election!!!

Dodd: Obama is irresponsible to talk tough on Pakistan after all words matter and we might piss somebody off

Obama: heh heh heh oh well excuuuusee me for not having 26 years experience fucking up like you do Chris Dodd but let me be clear if Osama is hiding somewhere how could you not attack dude Osama was never in Iraq and voted to attack there!!

Hillary: it's Barack Obama's fault that Bush misued the CIA -- look we have to lie to the American people we're hunting rabbitts!!!

Dodd: you can't tell the truth i've learned that in 26 years in Washington

Obama: I can't believe my big fucking ears if lying during a Presidential campaign is what you get from three decades of experience i don't want it

[yay!]

Obama: this is the most important foreign policy issue we have and you all are up there announcing a campaign is not the right time to discuss it - when is the right time my fine vulcan friends???

Q: Union!?!?!

Kucinich: I'm a union man when I president even the US attorneys will have union!!

Keith: awesome

Iraq Vet: so i serve my country and then i get back and the damm factory closed my life is a Springsteen song

Richardson: well that sucks i could enforce OSHA but i doubt that would stop a factory from closing

Vet: yep

Bill: Heroes Health card!

[ yay ]

Q: my daughter the 19 year old solider has to buy her own fucking equipment sweet jesus

Dodd: i served in the reserves and i can tell teh Republicans don't care about the troops whatever they tell you

Steel Worker: my pension vanished when the bosses skipped town -- what is wrong with America???

[ standing ovation!!! ]

Edwards: this what i'm always talking about - hold corporate feet to the fire and universal health care - i've walked picket lines 200 times - i'm corporate America's worst fucking nightmare!!

Hillary: i fought tooth and nail for unions and i have plan to rebuild manufacturing do you HEAR ME SISTERS!!!??

New Citizen: illegal workers what's your plan?

Obama: congrats dood i hope you don't regret it later heh heh we need strong borders and also go after employers it's abusive - path to citizenship - hey did u know i got started in politics in Illinois labor so in your face Edwards!!!

Nurse: nursing shortage doods

Biden: nurses brought me back to like and i sang Puttin on the Ritz it was awesome

Keith: you look almost human

Biden: hey i've walked on lots of picket lines and i'm from Delaware in your face Johnny Edwards-come-lately

Kucinich: universal single payer health care!

Edwards: oh yeah joe biden is down with unions sure whatever he says i didn't know MBNA has unions -- i will crack down on scabs!

Keith: but isn't it your fault that North Carolina is right to work?

Edwards: um, no -- everyone knows where i stand on this issue for pete's sake why do you think GE is obsessed with my haircut

Biden: Puttin on the Riiiitz!

Dodd: fewer miles per gallon also my toddler just made his first pee pee in the toilet

Olbermann: congrats dood

Hillary: Green buildings! Green Power!

Keith: i asked about NCLB

Hillary: that sucks too

Keith: your vice president dood?

Richardson: well not dick cheney

[ big applause ]

Keith: lobbyists getting rich?

Hillary: hey i opppose special interests too like in 1994 you think that was easy

Keith: Obama, bundling?

Obama: who am i fighting for? Who did i start with? Unions!

Edwards: i never paid a jury for a verdict and that's what happens in Washington right now!

Biden: what makes you think you can have a liberal health care plan or foreign policy??

Keith: because it's popular?

Dodd: we're not safer - terror is tactic not philosophy

Dennis: we made a promise to get out of Iraq and i'm doing my best to make it happen

Keith: is Barry Bonds on the 'roids or not

Obama: no because he's stuck at 755 dood

Keith: Katrina?

Clinton: it's a American problem for god's sake let quit fucking around

Bill: I'm about change, experience and electability

Olberamn: if u say so

Obama: sure everyone knows politics is all about the money but i'm trying to start a movement it's Obamania!!!

Biden: no when i president people will be so happy they may just cancel the next election

Keith: i think those hairplugs are hitting your brain dood

Hillary: i will be so busy on health care and education and energy and watching bill i won't notice

Dodd: hey the reason it started so early is that this country is a collection of pitchforks away from tossing stupid on his drunken ass

Edwards: hey i invited the cleft palate guy to Soldier Field here tonight - we have to hit corporate America with the chair!!!

Kucinich: the Republicans are afraid of me i'm like Seabiscuit i'm small but i got a big heart!!!

Keith: for those of you who haven't suffered enough here's Chris Matthews with a post debate roundup

******************************************************

The Republican Debate - August 5, 2007

*****************************************
The Republican Debate
August 4, 2007
ABC
Moderator: George Stephanopoulos

*****************************************

Stephanopoulos: Mitt are you really a real whack job conservative or are you just faking it like a lot of conservative wives do?

Mitt Romney: I don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m a true conservative

Sam Brownback: go up on YouTube dood you hate fetuses

Romeny: dammit i'm tired of people who are holier than thou -- i changed my fucking mind you fucking dipshit so i killed thousands of fetuses when i lived in Massachusetts when you live there you're practically obliged to hate babies and freedom and god

Brownback: you’re anti-zygote admit it, you bigamist-loving Son of Seth

Romeny: look who's talking, you fundy-loving bible-quoting meathead

Stephanopoulos: Rudy are you a liberal gay-loving aborting cross-dressing weirdo

Rudy: look i hate gays as much as any one else who dresses like a woman for a hobby -- and i would never have an abortion -- but who's gonna decide, the woman or Brownback over there i wouldn't trust that dood to kill my pet ferret

Thompson: you have to be pro-life to get the nomination but hey, look, every one us is unelectable for one reason or another so let's talk about that

Stephanopoulos: yeah but maybe Rudy would be more electable because of his anti-baby stance

McCain: abortion is directly related to national security

Stephanopoulos: how so, crazy-man?

McCain: how can we lecture the Congo on freedom while women in America have the right to control their own bodies?

Stephanopoulos: anything else?

McCain: yes terror is hydra-headed we will never be safe but unlike Romney i need no on the job training

Paul: just march out of there, we're losing the war, it was illegal, we didn't declare war, and we should just get the hell out of there

[applause, booing]

Paul: it's in our fucking national interest plus Bush is a mental defective

Hunter: i stood up to the Soviet Union when the liberals wanted to give in - i'm sick and tired of the surrender monkeys on the other side -- i love war!

[huge applause]

Hunter: all the Dems hate the troops i thank them for all the blood they spilled we're winning in al-anbar - the right way to leave is to never leave!!!

Stephanopoulos: what's the middle ground?

Huckabee: we win the war!!

Stephanopoulos: oh, ok then

Huckabee: we should declare war on Saudi Arabia and also not talk about energy independence let's actually do it

Stephanopoulos: gee what a great idea

Brownback: the political situation is deterioriating just like the Mustache of Understanding says we must split the country up after all it belongs to us!!

McCain: fuck all you naysayers! Dammit we are winning! we must win! therefore we are winning! Genocide! We must succeed! Drink the Kool Aid! Moral is Good! Eastasia is losing! Soccer match! Arrrr!!

[ nutty applause ]

Giuliani: no democrat said the word “islamic terrorism"

Stephanopoulos: that's two words

Rudy: i hate weakness and appeasement -- we're winning!!!

Stephanopoulos: what are you talking about

Rudy: the New York Times says we're about to win - look we have to kill islamic terrorists everywhere

Romney: we have to win!

Stephanopoulos: is that really all you have?

Romney: Obama wants to bomb Pakistan and drink tea with our enemies!!

Stephanopoulos: anything else?

Romney: we should pray really hard

Tancredo: Bush is too soft - we have to take the gloves off! We're losing because the liberals have us fighting with one hand tied behind our back!!

Stephanopoulos: liberals like Bush?

Tancredo: Yes! He won't even torture Al Maliki!!

Stephanopoulos: what’s the sound of one hand clapping louder?

Tommy: i luv our fine fighting young men and women but i just realized that this war is very expensive and hey there are bridges falling down so i say fuck the iraqis

Stephanopoulos: but the Iraqi parliament are all heroes

Tommy: did you know there are states in Iraq? They should have Governors like we do here

Ron Paul: this war is stupidest thing ever, it's all based on lies, there is no reason to launch a massive war against a bunch a thuggish terrorists it's so dumb

Romney: have you forgotten about 9/11???

Paul: fuck you, you mormon asshole i served 5 years in the military you dickless twit


McCain: ok, ok, look we fucked up for 4 years and of course i was the top critic but this is a historic moment we have to remake the middle east or we will never be safe -- give us time!!!

Mod: please choose a side: Grassley or Chimpy McStupid?

Huckster: can i choose America?

Mod: oh right, i forgot, you're a Republican

Huck: hey i just realized you can't send everyone to the emergency room

The Who's Tommy: hey dood i was Secretary of Health but our system is broken we should do wellness and prevention and shit like that

Moderator: you sound like a liberal

Tommy: we can all cover all uninsured just by using One Magic Form!

Tancredo: it is not the responsibility of the federal government to provide health care for people who don't live in Iraq

Moderator: Bold stance

Tancredo: illegal aliens!!

Romney: hey 40 million people uninsured is a bad i just figured that out!!

Stephanopoulos: interesting

Rommney: a tax exemption like Rudy wants doesn't work - we should use the free market and punish the free riders

Rudy: Medicaid is teh free market and anyone who gets insurance becomes a ward of the state!! It's all National Socialism! Michael Moore is Fat!! Fidel Castro is bad!!!!!

Hunter: i can haz freedom?

Stephanopoulos: what?

Hunter: You can buy guns online, why not an appendectomy?

Brownback: Free market! Socialism! Better health care if people bid for the lowest cost heart transplant!

[ Obama on tape: “we will bomb Pakistan if we have to!”]

Rudy: Obama is right - We must Crush Osama Bin Laden! Of course we should meekly seek Musharraf’s permission

Romney: Obama said he wants to meet with Castro in his first year and threaten a beautiful Democracy like Pakistan

Stephanopoulos: huh?

Romney: they are our little friends we have to be very very quiet about our plans to kill the bad guys

Stephanopoulos: you sound like Neville Chamberlain

Romney: Shhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Hunter: Obama has no clue you must never threaten violence against anyone, ever - that's the Republican way

[ George W. Bush on tape: "i can hate tyranny?" ]

Huckabee: Bush is a big poopyhead - we should be a good example, not a violent exporter of our way of life -- hell you think anyone in the world wants to live like people do Arkansas? Even people in Texas think we're hicks

Paul: how about bringing some fucking Democracy here?

Rudy: Democracy is not elections, it's a strong man enforcing the law and cracking skulls and shoving plungers inside squegee men who get out of line

Stephanopoulos: wow that's some kind of freedom

Rudy: Right, first you have to have the police shooting people 41 times if they look at the government's troops the wrong way

Stephanopoulos: was there a lot of street crime in Iraq under Saddam?

Rudy: no that's why I'm such a big fan

Neville McCain: we should never attack Pakistan -- my goodness just because Osama is there, what if something bad happens???

Neville Romney: we need to sing kumbaya and reach out with love and flowers and good feelings

Stephanopoulos: what about Bush?

Romney: never heard of him

Hippie Romney: we should send flowers and health care and candy and speak softly and give islam hugs and kisses

[ highly confused applause ]

Stephanopoulos: Tancredo, you are completely insane aren't you

Tancredo: We must Nuke Mecca!!!

Thompson: ok, that's fucking crazy. We should strengthen the military and enforce Christianity all over the world!!!

Neville Brownback: Ronald Reagan brought down the wall all by himself -- look we are at fucking war look you can't push Musharraf if we do the radicals will take over and then they'll have nukes!!

Stephanopoulos: bridges falling down

Huckabee: hey we've got slow lines in airline travel and pipes blowing up so yeah it's bad

Stephanopoulos: GOP is all about tax cuts do we need more money for bridge by raising taxes?

Rudy: no, no, no, no!! You see in 1980 the GOP discovered a mountain of magic beans that allows us to run on cutting taxes and raising revenue!!!

Stephanopoulos: but that's because the economy was booming under Bill Clinton

Rudy: never heard of him

Romney: the solution to bridges falling down is to lower taxes!

Stephanopoulos: is that why the Big Dig is falling apart?

McCain: Pork barrel veto!

Video Q: How much power should Darth Cheney have?

McCain: i'm doomed to be VP aren't I ??????

[starts sobbing]

Stephanopoulos: it's ok dood

Thompson: Dick Cheny is one of the finest most wonderful human beings ever

[applause]

Rudy: We Are At War! We've Been Attacked! Crush! Kill! Destroy!

Stephanopoulos: who's a bad vice president?

Rudy: Harry Truman

Romney: don't be hating on my boy Bush -- he kept us safe from terrorism!

Stephanopoulos: you mean except for the 3,000 dead on 9/11?

Romney: the who's of the what's?

Brownback: Bush knew shit about foreign policy when he came into office and look how that turned out

Paul: Cheney is a Neocon and i don't wanna drink the Kool Aid!

Hunter: i was in Vietnam

Huckabee: i favor the insane Fair Tax policy - no more illegals, pimps, gamblers, prostitutes, hookers,

Stephanopoulos: you're going to put the Republican Party out of business

Romney: this is a really stupid idea 23% sales tax -- jesus and moroni -- i'm the sane one here

Rudy: We should have no taxes at all

Stephanopoulos: anything else

Rudy: George Bush is a bad president because he endorsed the crazy estate tax idea

McCain: Alan Greenspan in 2008!

Tancredo: read the book doods

Rudy: i did

Tancredo: so you should know

Rudy: it sucked there's nothing about fascism in it

Brownblack: raise income taxes on the poor - that will create growth!

Q: what's yur worst mistake

Hunter: not jailing democrats

Huckabee: i was fat

Romney: killing blastocysts

Rudy: how much time do you have it’s a long list

[laughter]

Steph: name one

Rudy: probably marrying Bernie Kerik but honestly I didn’t know he was my cousin

McCain: my ship was on fire and i volunteered to live in a VC prison camp - also that whole savings and loan thing

Brownback: getting married -- those fucking kids are driving me crazy

Tancredo: it took me 30 years to realize that Jesus Christ wants me to deport all Mexicans

Stephanopoulos: wrap up!

Tancredo: we have to prove that America is great to the rest of the world by bombing Holy Shrines around the World

Tommy: I will bring in the best minds to crush the jihad!

Brownback: I willl appoint justices to overturn Rove v Wait

McCain: dammit elect me i served you fuckers for 50 years we need kill islamists and force them to surrender

[ weak applause]

Rudy: the Dems want Defeatism! The Dems have no Experience! I was Mayor!

Romney [robotic voice]: Military. Reagan. Teddy Roosevelt. Economy. Foreign Oil. Families.

Stephanopoulos: dood you were built in a laboratory weren't you?

Huckabee: i would pick a random citizen every week and rotate out and let them be President for that week

Stephanopoulos: couldn't do worse than Bush

Paul: Bush is a secretive nutjob how about that idea - i'm the only non-fascist on this stage!!

Hunter: We Must Ride to Victory by Manufacturing Arsenal of Democracy!!

Stephanopoulos: dood you are stuck in 1940's aren't you?

Hunter: the whole country is isn't it - i mean isn't what this whole race comes down to? A fantasy about returning to another era where women were in the kitchen, dad was in charge, kids shut up, and American ruled the world?

Stephanopoulos: how true - let that be the final word

*************************************************************

Meet The Press, August 5, 2007

**********************************
Meet The Press, August 5, 2007

**********************************

Russet: Iraq completely sucks

Gates: well, that is true, but i would point out that the government is in chaos -- on the other hand something good happened somewhere

Russert: what when wrong

Gates: the middle east is a place where people frequently disagree - who knew?

Russert: anything good?

Gates: there is one stable town or so they tell me

Russert: should the US ally with former Sunni insurgents who killed a lot of Americans

Gates: hey that's politics in the middle east -- you make a deal with the doods who were trying to kill you for money or sell them you're wives - whatever works

Russert: you're wrong about everything why should anyone trust you

Gates: because we're all hiding behind General Petraeus and the rest of the troops

Russert: but you do suck

Gates: yes but not anymore we've got men with ribbons on their chests in charge now!

Russert: sound pretty bad

Gates: sure but let's not throw the sunni out with the baathwater

Russert: September deadline?

Gates: right by September we are going to have to issue a report announcing some progress and asking for more time -- no ifs ands or buts

Russert: you really, really suck

Gates: whatever, i don't give a shit anymore

Russert: why not do Baker-Hamilton?

Gates: Bush did adopt their proposals

Russert: really?

Gates: well they did say a surge was not necessarily a bad idea

Russert: why are we losing?

Gates: before it was whack-a-mole now we're capturing and killing al qaeda

Russert: political solution?

Gates: Iraqi parliament should not have gone on vacation

Russert: are we going to leave?

Gates: who the hell knows

Russert: the DoD thinks Congress asking questions is unpatriotic

Gates: well it could have been a better letter but Cheney was right to say Hillary reinforces enemy propaganda after all Bush is the King of the America Empire

Russert: are you fuckers going to go after Osama or not?

Gates: yes but we would TELL Musharraf first therefore Obama is naive and Bush walks on water



[break]

Russert: what should we have in Presidents Doris - loyal, strong, relaxed

Doris K Goodwin: we should look at the candidates and scour their pasts for hints that they are like the presidents i've studied

Russert: how so

Goodwin: the good ones suffered alot and were magnanimous - also Lincoln went to theatre alot

Russert: yeah that worked out real well

Mendell Book: Obama is naive but not specific so he's really cool

Mendell: Obama has an amazing sense of calm and cool he's like a white sidney poitier

Bernstein Book: Hillary can swear like a sailor and she will fuck your shit up

Bernstein: she is smart but a bit of a hater and the Big Dog is her strongest asset

Russert: DailyKos! Lobbyists!

Hillary: i love corporate lobbyists!

YearlyKos: boooooo!!!!!!!

Obama: Lobbyists rule this country dudette

Edwards: you don't have personal lobbyists do you

Brody: hey, it's experience vs. newness vs. establishment

Russert, reading books:

Hillary is an arrogant bitch and Obama is an arrogant uppity black man

Goodwin: i hear Hillary can be warm but she has to project it like Reagan and hey ambition is good if it's not like to get rich or something

Bernstein: Hillary can be prickly but her lobbyist answer was pretty honest

Mendell: look Obama is intelligent and people like that can be condescending

Russert: what's Bush's excuse?

Mendell: i dunno but anyone who runs for Prez is ambitious

[Obama on tape]: we are going to smash Pakistan if we have to

Goodwin: hey it's new and different

Brody: Obama knows he needs to project knowledge of foreign affairs what better way than to threaten to kill someone

Russert: people want a new direction and new ideas and they don't trust Hillary

Bernstein: God help us we've got to get behind the curtain and make sure we're not electing another George W. Bush

Mendell: the Iowa voters know what they're doing

Russert: but who wants to know more about people like JFK or Nixon of LBJ -- god i want to know less about these people

Goodwin: who cares about some 6 point plan i want to know how often they masturbate

Russert: why is Rudy leading?

Brody: GOP voters luv themselves some fascism

Russert: irony os Romney dead last nationally but is leading in Iowa

Brody: tehy likey teh mormon

Russert: Dems lead on most issues but not terra, moral values, and homeland security

[ed's note: this is why General Clark is so likely to be on the ticket]

Mendell: Obama learned how to fight Terror in the Illinois State Senate

Goodwin: we know that Rudy was great on 9/11 but what about before that -- of course may have changed after 9/11

Russert: yeah he became even more of an asshole

Berstein: your poll didn't mention honesty

Russert: yes it did, Obama leads and Hillary doesn't

Bernstein: oh well

Brody: the CBN thinks Hillary should admit mistakes that would be really great for her

Goodwin: i just want her talk about her health care debacle and travelgate

Russert: i love it!

********************************

The McLaughlin Group - August 5, 2007

********************************
The McLaughlin Group
August 5, 2007
********************************

McLaughlin: this country is falling apart

Buchanan: it's a metaphor for America we suck at everything we don't build anything anymore

Clift: Hey we're building a Bridge to Nowhere while teh real ones are collapsing

McLaughlin: Iraq is Teh Bottomless Money Pit then we're giving billions to Saudi Arabia that's fucking brilliant

Blankely: you said it was Bush's fault

McLaughlin: no i didn't

Blankely: this bridge fell down it's all Bill Clinton's fault!!!!

McLaughlin: what did bush do about it?

Blankely: you want to abolish the Pentagon well i disagree

McLaughlin: welcome to Maria you're foxy

Maria: fixing bridges is not sexy

McLaughlin: honey you can make talking infratructure sexy

Clift: we're all selfish

Buchanan: the Chinese!!

McLaughlin: illegal immigrants brought down the bridge

Buchanan: FDR was a great President and Greepeace brought that bridge down

Blankely: that bridge was perfectly safe until it fell down

Clift: well there's more where that came from we need to spend more

Blankely: we'll cross that bridge when we come to it

Clift: not if it collapses dude

Buchanan: unfunded mandates are killing this country look at Europe!

McLaughlin: dood their bridges are fucking beautiful

Blankely: sure but how many middle east wars are they proudly bogged down in

Maria: hey dood americans are making money in China construction

McLaughlin: we suck don't we

Maria: yeah

********************************************************************

Hardball - August 3, 2007

***************************************************
Hardball - August 3, 2007
Guest Host: Mike Barnicle
***************************************************

Edwards guy: edwards sued a lot of bad guys

Obama guy: my candidate wuz against teh war

Clinton gal: iowa is a finishers state and she's a closer and she's got experience and newness and she'll end teh war

Mike: okay then

[ break ]

Barnicle: why do u hate children you don't want them to have health insurance

Zuckerman: no i do and i like this bill I think it’s great

Barnicle: oh ok other chick do you hate kids

Lucas: yes it's terrible its socialism

Barnicle: wow thanx could u bash teh bill some more

Lucas: this is horrible some people might get health care who are not children it's Karl Marx's wet dream

Zuckerman: 90% of those covered would be children and maybe some adults like pregnant women

Lucas: see it’s national socialism

Zuckerman: this bill would help people who have to choose between food and health care

Barnicle: but, but, but, diane this is terrible people might get covered who don't belong you know blacks or mexicans!!!

Zuckerman: calm down dood there is going to be a waiting period to punish people who are sick and really need care so nothing to worry about

Lucas: conservatives care about poor people too much to allow them to be covered by evil socialism

Barnicle: dammit why can't congress solve this problem now that i spent 20 minutes bashing their attempt to solve this problem

[ break ]

Barnicle: wow Obama now leads in Iowa

Craig “Giggles” Crawford: ha ha ha ha ha ha

Barnicle: calm down why should i care about the subject i just brought up

Giggles Crawford: people don't like hillary but they think she's electable

Mason: ha ha ha we're playing doctor

Barnicle: why isn't edwards leading dood he practically lives there

Jay Carney: it's not so bad considering he had the Haircut of Doom

Giggles: ha ha ha ha - what if it's snowing!!!

Barnicle: wow first obama is attacked for meeting with Fidel and now cause he wants to bomb pakistan and now again because he won’t use nukes

Mason: are we planning on nuking a country that i don't know about?

Barnicle: people love this dood but they're afraid he's too young to fight Osama

Carney: that's right he has no experience in doddering around Connecticut or Delaware

Barnicle: what does it reveal?

Carney: it shows that Obama is wrong - you see I dispatch Conventional Wisdom in DC and it "Simply Isn't Done" to tell the truth in Washington

Barnicle: how gauche

Giggles: really how rude

Mason: rookie mistake

Giggles: ha ha ha ha

Barnicle: wow look democrats are abusing power they are so pathetic i am so outside the beltway ha ha

Giggles: ha ha ha ha - no see the Republicans kept votes open forever and Dems finally said no to that

Barnicle: who cares i hate pundits and people in Washington - fuck the facts

Barnicle: i love Republicans and like Mitt Romney and i hate YouTube and bloggers and ordinary people -- god i hate my life -- why can't a man running for president have some privacy???? Whaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Carney: it's an outrage when a candidate makes a public statement and people might make a record of it

Barnicle: it's disgusting it makes me sick

Giggles: ha ha ha ha ha
****************************************************

Dick Cheney on Larry King

***********************************************
Larry King Interviews Vice President Dick Cheney
Larry King Live, CNN
July 31, 2007
************************************

King: do u ever ask yurself dood do i suck

Cheney: no way dood i'm just like George Washington and Abe Lincoln although i haven't matched them with americans killed

King: but 200,000 iraqis killed

Cheney: yeah that's cool

King: so no doubts ever

Cheney: no not ever

King: war was still a good idea

Cheney: absolutely it totally rocks

King: so 3,000 american soldiers dead - that all good

Cheney: well you know of course we got our hair mussed

King: it's pretty rough

Cheney: hey every casualty pains me

King: yeah i can tell

Cheney: i sleep all right

King: Brent Scrowcroft sez you're a maniac

Cheney: fuck him

King: why duz everyone hate you

Cheney: who gives a shit i only represent 18% of Americans the others can kiss my shiny white ass

King: you said the insurgency was in it's last throes why were you so wrong?

Cheney: i said to myself hey Saddam is dead our work here is done who knew there was more to nation-building

King: so you completely suck

Cheney: well hey the Iraqis wrote a fake Constitution and killings are up to that's good

King: everyone in America despises you

Cheney: aw fuck i'm not running for anything see how self-sacrificing i am - Bush and I will leave with out heads held high

King: and your hands in cuffs

Cheney: go fuck yourself

King: sorry just trying to inject a little levity

Cheney: well don't

King: will we leave in June of 2009

Cheney: that's the plan

King: oooh a deadline will we accomplish anything

Cheney: well i hope so

King: does it bother you that iraqi parliament the taking one month off

Cheney: better than taking two months off

King: heh good one Dick no one told me you're funny

Cheney: hey they Iraqi parliament has done a lot they cut taxes, banned stem cell research and outlawed spotted owls

King: Gen. Petraeus is teh new American Dictator when did that happen

Cheney: i blessed him oil at Camp David last year

King: thats how it works huh

Cheney: yeah he's a gentleman and a scholar

King: are you in a branch of government or do you orbit of teh earth like Adonis in that Star Trek episode

Cheney: no i'm like that Colossos of Rhodes i've got a foot in both camps i rule the Senate and Bush gave me an office in teh West Wing

King: dood with all due respect that's fucking crazy

Cheney: bow down before me Larry

[ Larry gets down ]

King: Mondale says you're a power-mad secretive whacko

Cheney: nonsense dood - Walter doesn't know shit he's still mad because i killed his dog

King: ooh harsh

Cheney: plus he was part of one the least effective administrations ever

King: that's pretty rich coming from the VP of the Bush administration

Cheney: Afghanistan! Terror attacks! (not including not 9/11)

King: why do you people hate you so much

Cheney: oh who cares look Chris Matthews had an orgasm at Ford's funeral maybe he'll do that when I die

King: we can only hope

Cheney: Grrrrrrrrr

King: Alberto is obviously a liar what's up with that

Cheney: yes but i love that sort of thing

King: you tried to have John Ashcroft killed

Cheney: who can remember

King: is that the kind of thing you would forget?

Cheney: i might have done that - i sure liked the whole illegal spying program

King: shouldn't Gonzalez be fired

Cheney: Hey he's Bush's friend not mine

King: Scooter Libby was your top aide and he's a criminal

Cheney: Scooter who?

King: how is he doing since the commutation?

Cheney: it's big fucking relief - what do you think?

King: so he's good

Cheney: god no his wife is all over him, his kids won't leave him alone, and Sallie Mae is all over his ass

King: should Rove testify

Cheney: no way it's a witch hunt they haven't proven that he's a criminal - really we're thinking of Hillary Clinton's best interests

King: come on

Cheney: hey look we offered no transcript, and no one watching, and no telling the truth

King: gee what an offer

King: selling weapons to Saudis doesn't seem to make much sense

Cheney: look we just have to arm all the Retrograde Emirs and Familial Inbred Wackos and Wahabbi Psychos and PetroNutJobs and there will peace in the Middle East

[ Saddam from offstage ]: and people said i was the crazy one

King: jesus Osama bin Laden is living it up in Pakistan could you guys fuck up any more???

Cheney: hey you know Musharraf is doing his best he says nice things about Bush that's all that really matters

King: are we gonna nuke Iran

Cheney: why what have you heard?

King: you tell me

Cheney: if i were going you attack Iran i wouldn't tell you it will be a surprise like the fact that you've been married 8 times or that you still have a job

King: Gitmo yes or no

Cheney: hey dood it's either that or we let them go and provide them with Cadillacs

King: do we torture

Cheney: we do things that are exactly like torture without calling it that but it's really cool

King: like what

Cheney: well if i told you then they could prepare for like develop really strong fingernails or something

King: does Hillary Clinton hate America

Cheney: yes she does

King: wow

Cheney: hey look she wants to give away troops movements to the enemy she's crazy

King: what did they do to your heart

Cheney: well i saw the Wizard and he said dood yur chest is hollow

King: so then what

Cheney: they put a six year old in my chest he keeps my heart-a-pumpin'

King: wow where did they get him

Cheney: i dunno china or bangladesh or something - who gives a shit the point is he's better off

King: so what's next for you

Cheney: i plan a relaxing time of raping and pillaging and vampirism

King: will your take over another administration

Cheney: i wouldn't rule it out

King: depending on what

Cheney: my instructions from the Lord of the Underworld he calls all the shots

King: well good luck undermining humanity and thanks for coming