Sunday, March 29, 2015

Meet The Press – March 29, 2015

Katy Tur
Tom Costello
Erin Bowen, Ph.D.
Andrea Mitchell
H.E. Adel A. Al-Jubeir – Saudi Amb. to the U.S.
Christopher Hill – Fmr. Chief U.S.
Negotiator on Nuclear Disarmament
Victoria Kennedy
Patrick Kennedy
Joe Scarborough – MSNBC
Neera Tanden – Center For 
American Progress
Kathleen Parker – Washington Post
Sam Stein – Huffington Post

Todd: omg a pilot crashed a plane
on purpose – if that isn't scary I
don't know what the fuck is

Tur: this co-pilot locked out the pilot
and the pilot took an axe to the door
while the passengers screamed

Todd: jesus fuck

Tur: also he may have been
depressed and legally blind

Todd: cripes

Tur: also doctors are reporting
he may have been 'crazy as a loon'

[ break ]

Todd: why are there axes on the airplane?!

Costello: Luftansa keeps an ax in
the passenger area in case people
complain about airline food or hog
too much leg space

Todd: damn them Germans is tough

Pilot: [ tosses passenger out ]
No ticket!

Todd: why are there are no
mental health checks for pilots?

Bowen: it's not feasible

Costello: they do test you when you're
hired to see if you're a homicidal lunatic
and if you are it counts against you

Bowen: once per year they
ask if you're a drug addict

Todd: should that change?

Bowen: no because psychological
tests are not magic

Costello: lots of people have
mental health issues and never fly
a plane into the ground at 500 mph

Todd: pilots are encouraged to self report

Costello: right and it usually works fine

Todd: he couldn't have flown in America

Bowen: he didn't have enough time in the air

Costello: it's shocking that he didn't
even know how to fly a plane!

Bowen: um the problem wasn't his
hours it's that he's fucking crazy

[ break ]

Todd: panel this about mental health issues

Parker: we don't know if this pilot was crazy
maybe he was fine and just
decided to fly into a mountain

Todd: this is terrifying –
what if our pilots go insane?

Scarborough: I like to joke
with pilots about mass murder

Todd: those are always funny

Scarborough: our rules are better
than Europe so that's one thing
the federal government did well

Parker: USA! USA!

Patrick Kennedy: we have an 
epidemic of addiction and mental 
health problems in this country

Todd: we should have annual mental
health checks for everyone?

Stein: I suppose but a stewardess
could have stopped this co-pilot

Todd: yay big government!

Tanden: yo go FAA!

Scarborough: this and Newtown are
about mental health because those
mass murderers were both white

[ break ]

Todd: a deal with Iran may
be only hours away or it may fail

Mitchell: it's been 18 months in
the making and it may completely fail

Todd: just like a Johnny Depp movie

Mitchell: Iran wants to do peaceful
nuclear research and for the
inspections to end in ten years
and those are deal breakers

Todd: wow sounds bleak

Mitchell: it's possible there will be no deal

Todd: that would help Obama
since everyone hates this deal

Mitchell: the Arabs don't want
a deal with Iran because they
think it's not tough enough

Todd: right

Mitchell: Obama sees this is as his
legacy - but does he want it too much?

Todd: good question

Mitchell: but if there's no deal all bets
are off and Iran can build a nuclear bomb

Todd: wait no one told us that

Mitchell: it's true

Todd: we've been told if there's
no deal Iran will never get a bomb

Mitchell: the opposite is true Chuck

Todd: I can't trust anyone

Mitchell: sorry

Todd: thanks for coming Andrea

[ break ]

Todd: Welcome Ambassador Hill

Hill: good morning Charles

Todd: you've been there – what's it
like to be in the negotiating room?

Hill: it's very tricky

Todd: that makes sense

Hill: both sides will have difficulty
in selling a deal to their nations –
at best it will be a technical compromise
and not a big one-sided victory

Todd: the U.S. is making a deal
with Iran but also supporting
Saudi Arabia's proxy war with Iran

Hill: the Saudis are nervous – they don't like
the idea of the U.S. and Iran becoming BFFs

Todd: I see

Hill: also the Saudis have to fight
Yemen rebels and ISIS who are Sunnis

Todd: why don't we demand Iran
recognize Israel's right to exist?

Hill: because that has nothing to
do with Iran possessing nuclear weapons

Todd: George W. Bush's deputy
national security advisor says Obama has
mishandled the middle east

Hill: that's pretty rich

[ break ]

Todd: omg Saudi Arabia is bombing
the hell out of Yemen rebels

Engel: that's right Chuck – Saudi Arabia is
currently bombing Iranian backed rebels

Todd: that's new

Engel: but in Iraq the U.S. is
helping Iran to bomb ISIS

Todd: that's confusing

Engel: and also negotiating with
Iran on nuclear weapons

Todd: my head is spinning

Engel: the Sunni Arabs are mad that
the U.S. won't declare war on Shia Islam

Todd: that's sad

Engel: critics says the U.S. is confusing
friends and emboldening enemies

Todd: bad Obama!

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Ambassador

Al-Jubeir: thank you for inviting me Mr. Todd

Todd: why are you bombing Yemen rebels

Al-Jubeir: we got an invitation to
bomb our neighbor so of course we did

Todd: you didn't tell the U.S. before
you started bombing – do you hate Obama?

Al-Jubeir: no not at all – we only
just decided to bomb at the last minute

Todd: does the U.S. support your bombing?

Al-Jubeir: oh yes they do

Todd: will Saudi Arabia put
ground troops in Yemen?

Al-Jubeir: maybe

Todd: are you in a proxy war with Iran?

Al-Jubeir: the rebels are supported
by Iran and we're bombing them

Todd: so yes

Al-Jubeir: darn right Chucky

Todd: so you're at war with Iran!

Al-Jubeir: we love the Iranians
they keep rejecting our attempts at friendship
they blocked us on Twitter and won't 
friend us on Facebook and won't 
accept our Yahoo chat invitation

Todd: can the U.S. take Saudi Arabia's
side and still make a deal with Iran

Al-Jubeir: yes we all want a deal
that prevents Iran from getting
a nuclear bomb

Todd: If Iran built a nuclear bomb
won't you build one too?

Al-Jubeir: of course we will

Todd: do you want more from the U.S.?

Al-Jubeir: America has pointed out
targets for us to bomb in
Yemen so that's good

Todd: oh okay

Al-Jubeir: but we want the U.S. to
bomb our enemy Iran more in Iraq

Todd: Saudis have funded extremists
and so isn't ISIS all your fault?

Al-Jubeir: ISIS hates the
royal family of Saudi Arabia!

Todd: the obscenely rich human
rights-violating terrorist-financing 
beheading and flogging royal family?

Al-Jubeir: that's the one

Todd: thanks for coming Al

Al-Jubeir: you too Chuck

[ break ]

Todd: omg Harry Reid is retiring!

Scarborough: Harry Reid was a disaster
and Chuck Schumer is a liberal
but he likes getting things done

Todd: maybe but Harry Reid
was once a deal maker like Chuck

Tanden: the tea party made Reid a little crazy

Todd: liberals think Schumer is 
too close to Wall Street

Stein: yes they do Chuck

Todd: ha ha

Stein: yes but liberals were skeptical
Reid when he was first named leader

Todd: true

Stein: but Reid passed Obamacare 
and got rid of the filibuster so that's 
a pretty good legacy

Parker: Reid was an obstructionist!

Scarborough: Reid was a
disaster for Democrats!

Tanden: Hillary Clinton wiped
e-mails from her server and
she's hiding something!

Tanden: this is a fake scandal

Scarborough: she's just like Richard Nixon!

Parker: she didn't save her e-mails!

Tanden: just like every Republican!

Scarborough: they were under subpoena!

Tanden: she turned over all her
State Department e-mails

Todd: unless she's lying about that

Tanden: everybody in Washington
uses personal e-mail!

Scarborough: you can't trust the Clintons!

[ break ]

Todd: Ted Cruz is courting evangelicals
but that ultimately didn't work for
Huckabee or Santorum

Todd: although this year it could help Cruz
he could win Iowa then South Carolina
and a Super Evangelical Tuesday primary

Todd: wins there could propel
Cruz to the actual nomination
as incredible as that sounds

[ break ]

Todd: oh wow the Ted Kennedy
Institute will explain how the Senate works

Todd: it will teach people about the
real Senate and inspire future filibusterers
to shut down the government by reading
Green Eggs and Ham

Todd: here students can pretend to
put an anonymous hold on a cabinet
nomination out of spite

Todd: a theme of the Institute
is bipartisanship and working 
across party lines

Victoria Kennedy: he came back
from brain surgery to vote on Medicaid
and the whole Senate applauded

Todd: that was cool

Kennedy: it's about the Senate and
inspiring the next generation

Todd: welcome Patrick Kennedy

Kennedy: my dad persevered
and the Senate needs to persevere

Todd: what should Senators
learn from your Dad?

Kennedy: try to make a personal effort
to get to know the other Senators and
where they're coming from

Todd: Orrin Hatch ran against your
Dad and then they passed laws together

Kennedy: they became friends and
he saw that if Ted was behind it
the other liberals would be too
and they made a great team

Todd: that's amazing

Kennedy: the personal touch really matters

Todd: maybe this Institute will inspire
kids but also current Senators 
to stop being such dicks

Kennedy: ha ha

Kennedy: my hope is that future
Senators may study here and
learn to reach across the aisle

Todd: there's a replica of the Senate
so kids can pretend to obstruct
legislation for real like real Senators

Kennedy: he'd love this place –
kids and the Senate –
he'd be in heaven - and he is!

[ break ]

Todd: panel there's a huge corporate
pushback against this ridiculous Indiana law

Stein: the timing is horrible

Stein: the reaction is amazing – Apple
and the NCAA and Angie's List, 
Victoria's Secret and Carl's Jr!

Parker: you can't legitimize businesses
discriminating – it's offensive

Tanden: it's nuts

Todd: but religious crazies feel
they under siege

Scarborough: in 2004 the GOP and
Karl Rove won big bashing gays 
and now we all have to bake 
cakes for the sodomites

Tanden: at least everyone is against this law

Todd: Mike Huckabee says
Obama is going to buy all the food

Parker: when the masses become
uneasy hoarding food just makes sense

Todd: what are you talking about Kathleen

Scarborough: this is like the
Black Helicopters of the 1990s

Todd: ha ha I love how
crazy Republicans are

Scarborough: so funny

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press


Anonymous said...

Once again. Thanks for what you do. Love it.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Todd: just like a Johnny Depp movie

Your version of Chuckie is better than NBC's. Perhaps they could do some kind of mind swap?