Sunday, January 17, 2010

This Week with George Stephanopoulos hosted by Jake Tapper - January 17, 2010

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
Jake Tapper
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Lt. General Keen
Rajiv Shah - USAID

Tapper: Welcome Former Presidents - hey guys check out this e-mail I got - ‘the country is in total chaos, the government is totally non-existent,
law and order no longer exist’

Clinton: What does Wall Street have to do with this?

Tapper: I was talking about Haiti

Bush: the whole country went Galt?

Tapper: no supplies aren’t getting through to
people in need

Clinton: chill the fuck out Tapper - my wife is on
top of this!

Tapper: but people are suffering

Clinton: dammit government ministers are missing

Tapper: Stupid you are a failure - why exactly
did they call you

Bush: I am an expert on the dishonest spending
of money

Tapper: of course

Clinton: on the other hand I spent my honeymoon
in Haiti and raised $500 million for Haiti before the earthquake

Bush: I’ve seen every episode of ‘Jersey Shore’

Tapper: ok

Bush: the Haitian government needs to step up dammit

Tapper: Conservatives are worried sending money to a corrupt government is wasteful

Clinton: that’s rich

Bush: the question is - do we care?

Tapper: Rush Limbaugh says no

Clinton: we will condition charity on the Haitian government building earthquake-proof houses

Tapper: of course

Tapper: Bush what lessons can we learn from your incredible fuck-ups?

Bush: lower expectations so when you fail it
doesn’t look so bad

Clinton: get cell phones and radios working so the people are informed about how screwed they are

Tapper: Martha is aid getting to the people?

Raddatz: no but dude maybe you haven’t heard -
a fucking earthquake hit this place

Tapper: no!

Tapper: what about the looting - is the US military going to invade Haiti or not?

Raddatz: no you idiot

Tapper: speaking of rumors of looting - General
why isn’t the U.S. military cracking Haitian skulls?

General: this is a tragedy of epic proportions

Tapper: we know Haiti is bad

General: I meant this interview

Tapper: how many soliders do you need to crush
the Haitian insurgency?

General: lots and lots

Tapper: how many years will we occupy Haiti?

General: dunno - forever?

Tapper: Doc - why isn’t aid getting to the Haitian people?

Shah: hey we’re doing our best

Tapper: look we all agree you’re doing a good job

Shah: it doesn’t sound like it

Tapper: how many tons of aid have you delivered?

Shah: a lot

Tapper: but not all of it

Shah: dude the roads are all broken and the
airports don’t function

Tapper: well that’s true in New York

Tapper: General how many casualties are we expecting?

General: I hope we don’t lose any soldiers

Tapper: I meant Haitians

General: oh I dunno

Tapper: General Honore had a bad reaction to a
fictional U.S. non-response

Shah: well fuck him - that never happened

Tapper: fascinating


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