Sunday, January 03, 2010

Meet the Press - January 3, 2010

John Brennan
Michael Hayden
Michael Chertoff
Tom Brokaw
Doris Goodwin
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks

Gregory: why did Janet Napolitano say things went great even though a terror attack was thwarted?

Brennan: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: what did the CIA know about underwear before 12/24?

Brennan: Boxer-briefs are the most comfortable
way to go

Gregory: how do we win the war on terror?

Brennan: degrading people who hate us

Gregory: how could the government let underpants-boy on a plane!?!

Brennan: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but I’m scared!

Brennan: the government has to be seamless
and perfect every day

Gregory: dear god

Gregory: should we get rid of privacy rights?

Brennan: maybe - the Dutch have full nude
body scanners

Gregory: yeah but they are all tall and incredibly good looking

Brennan: that’s a good point

Gregory: why aren’t we torturing this Nigerian kid?

Brennan: oh I don’t know - the law or something

Gregory: boooooorrrring!!!!!

Brennan: we’ve got Jack McCoy getting a
strong plea deal right now

Gregory: should we send accused terrorists
who hate us back to Yemen?

Brennan: like George W. Bush did?

Gregory: never heard of him - did he work
for Dick Cheney?

Brennan: something like that

Gregory: President Cheney says Obama surrendered to terrorists

Brennan: Dick should spend a little more time not shooting his friends and a little time undermining
the President of the United States

Gregory: when are we going to catch Osama?

Brennan: we had him at Tora Bora and Bush
let him get away

Gregory: what’s the deal with Yemen anyway?

Hayden: it’s terror-central

Gregory: you released terrorists from Gitmo
and sent them to Yemen!

Hayden: that’s true but we had to - we ran out of orange chicken

Gregory: what mistakes did Bush make?

Hayden: we were too soft on terrorists

Gregory: right

Gregory: what about right to privacy?

Chertoff: plane travelers have the right to life dammit!

Gregory: isn’t the underwear bombing proof
that the Bush system doesn’t work?

Chertoff: hey Fluffy it worked for 7 years when we never had an attack or attempted attack

Gregory: should we have full body scanners?

Chertoff: oh yes and the fact that I get rich off
selling it is irrelevant

Gregory: what’s it’s called?

Chertoff: “Scan-Wow!”

Gregory: ok

Chertoff: blame those civil liberty loving Dutch -
we should bypass them entirely

Gregory: pass the Dutchie on the left hand side

Gregory: some terror guy told me that 90% of terrorists are young muslim men

Chertoff: well that person was using you to spout bullshit Fluffers

Gregory: unpossible

Gregory: should Dick Cheney criticize Obama or does that make him unpatriotic like Dick Cheney would say?

Hayden: people need to stop hyperventilating

Gregory: oh noes!

Gregory: isn’t Obama weak on terror?

Hayden: no but he could torture more

Chertoff: Obama has said we are at war but putting KSM on trial in New York city will weaken America

Gregory: because terrorists will attack if they think they will only go to a supermax prison

[ break ]

Gregory: how has Obama handled his first 3:00 a.m.
phone call?

Brokaw: his failure to panic proved we are vulnerable to suicidal teenagers

Brooks: Obama failed but look bad things happen and people should stop crying every time some failed underpants bomber fucks up

Gregory: why does Dick Cheney whine so much?

Dionne: because he’s a dishonest ghoul

Gregory: that’s true

Dionne: even Bush officials think he’s a hypocritical lunatic

Gregory: Doris this is not as much fun as other wars

Goodwin: because we didn’t raise taxes or do anything but go shopping

Brokaw: we learned that we can’t kill every single muslim on earth

Gregory: too bad

Brooks: this all started in Iran in 1979 and we can see that regime dying right now

Gregory: so what do we do about it?

Brooks: cut off supplies on gasoline and pretend to be tough with a lot of empty words

Dionne: what a weasel you are david

Goodwin: this proves that Obama making diplomatic overtures to China has worked

Brooks: me strong!

Brokaw: the teabaggers rule America!

Dionne: sure Tom but repealing the health plan won’t be popular either

Brokaw: warble warble

Brooks: most people oppose the Obamacare plan

Goodwin: not the actual plan just the fake Fox news version of the plan

Brooks: no one knows what’s in the plan! and they oppose the plan!

Goodwin: idiot

Brooks: it rations care! and costs too much!

Brokaw: we should kill old useless people

Gregory: like you?

Brokaw: arble garble

Gregory: this decade really sucked

Goodwin: yes but epic failure represents great opportunity

Brokaw: this is nothing - the 60s really sucked

Brooks: the future belongs to the teabaggers

Gregory: good god

Dionne: Obama has to show government can work and that will show how stupid the teabaggers are

Brokaw: 9/11 general motors wall street urble burble

Gregory: and that’s the last word



ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Gregory: what’s it’s called?

Chertoff: “Scan-Wow!”


P.S. Boxer-briefs are the most comfortable way to go

So true.

Lil said...

Thank you for these today. I wanted to know what the talking hedz had to say but my daughter wouldn't let me turn on the tv. I depend on Bobblespeak Translations to keep me up to date. Your perfect pitch keeps me from having to throw things at the tv. Happy new year.

Shilohsmama said...

I. Absolutely. Love. You.

Happy New Year!!