Sunday, January 03, 2010

Meet the Press - January 3, 2010

John Brennan
Michael Hayden
Michael Chertoff
Tom Brokaw
Doris Goodwin
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks

Gregory: why did Janet Napolitano say things went great even though a terror attack was thwarted?

Brennan: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: what did the CIA know about underwear before 12/24?

Brennan: Boxer-briefs are the most comfortable
way to go

Gregory: how do we win the war on terror?

Brennan: degrading people who hate us

Gregory: how could the government let underpants-boy on a plane!?!

Brennan: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but I’m scared!

Brennan: the government has to be seamless
and perfect every day

Gregory: dear god

Gregory: should we get rid of privacy rights?

Brennan: maybe - the Dutch have full nude
body scanners

Gregory: yeah but they are all tall and incredibly good looking

Brennan: that’s a good point

Gregory: why aren’t we torturing this Nigerian kid?

Brennan: oh I don’t know - the law or something

Gregory: boooooorrrring!!!!!

Brennan: we’ve got Jack McCoy getting a
strong plea deal right now

Gregory: should we send accused terrorists
who hate us back to Yemen?

Brennan: like George W. Bush did?

Gregory: never heard of him - did he work
for Dick Cheney?

Brennan: something like that

Gregory: President Cheney says Obama surrendered to terrorists

Brennan: Dick should spend a little more time not shooting his friends and a little time undermining
the President of the United States

Gregory: when are we going to catch Osama?

Brennan: we had him at Tora Bora and Bush
let him get away

Gregory: what’s the deal with Yemen anyway?

Hayden: it’s terror-central

Gregory: you released terrorists from Gitmo
and sent them to Yemen!

Hayden: that’s true but we had to - we ran out of orange chicken

Gregory: what mistakes did Bush make?

Hayden: we were too soft on terrorists

Gregory: right

Gregory: what about right to privacy?

Chertoff: plane travelers have the right to life dammit!

Gregory: isn’t the underwear bombing proof
that the Bush system doesn’t work?

Chertoff: hey Fluffy it worked for 7 years when we never had an attack or attempted attack

Gregory: should we have full body scanners?

Chertoff: oh yes and the fact that I get rich off
selling it is irrelevant

Gregory: what’s it’s called?

Chertoff: “Scan-Wow!”

Gregory: ok

Chertoff: blame those civil liberty loving Dutch -
we should bypass them entirely

Gregory: pass the Dutchie on the left hand side

Gregory: some terror guy told me that 90% of terrorists are young muslim men

Chertoff: well that person was using you to spout bullshit Fluffers

Gregory: unpossible

Gregory: should Dick Cheney criticize Obama or does that make him unpatriotic like Dick Cheney would say?

Hayden: people need to stop hyperventilating

Gregory: oh noes!

Gregory: isn’t Obama weak on terror?

Hayden: no but he could torture more

Chertoff: Obama has said we are at war but putting KSM on trial in New York city will weaken America

Gregory: because terrorists will attack if they think they will only go to a supermax prison

[ break ]

Gregory: how has Obama handled his first 3:00 a.m.
phone call?

Brokaw: his failure to panic proved we are vulnerable to suicidal teenagers

Brooks: Obama failed but look bad things happen and people should stop crying every time some failed underpants bomber fucks up

Gregory: why does Dick Cheney whine so much?

Dionne: because he’s a dishonest ghoul

Gregory: that’s true

Dionne: even Bush officials think he’s a hypocritical lunatic

Gregory: Doris this is not as much fun as other wars

Goodwin: because we didn’t raise taxes or do anything but go shopping

Brokaw: we learned that we can’t kill every single muslim on earth

Gregory: too bad

Brooks: this all started in Iran in 1979 and we can see that regime dying right now

Gregory: so what do we do about it?

Brooks: cut off supplies on gasoline and pretend to be tough with a lot of empty words

Dionne: what a weasel you are david

Goodwin: this proves that Obama making diplomatic overtures to China has worked

Brooks: me strong!

Brokaw: the teabaggers rule America!

Dionne: sure Tom but repealing the health plan won’t be popular either

Brokaw: warble warble

Brooks: most people oppose the Obamacare plan

Goodwin: not the actual plan just the fake Fox news version of the plan

Brooks: no one knows what’s in the plan! and they oppose the plan!

Goodwin: idiot

Brooks: it rations care! and costs too much!

Brokaw: we should kill old useless people

Gregory: like you?

Brokaw: arble garble

Gregory: this decade really sucked

Goodwin: yes but epic failure represents great opportunity

Brokaw: this is nothing - the 60s really sucked

Brooks: the future belongs to the teabaggers

Gregory: good god

Dionne: Obama has to show government can work and that will show how stupid the teabaggers are

Brokaw: 9/11 general motors wall street urble burble

Gregory: and that’s the last word