Sunday, January 17, 2010

Meet The Press - January 17, 2010

Rajiv Shah - US AID
Lt. General Keen
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Bob Woodward
Karen Hughes
John Podesta
Mark Halperin

Gregory: Doctor Shah - what’s going on in Haiti?

Shah: well the roads, ports and airport have all
been destroyed

Gregory: how many people have died?

Shah: hey Gregger we’re hoping to still
rescue people

Gregory: really - why not just play air guitar
and eat birthday cakes?

Shah: we’re not fucking around dude!

Gregory: hey General how’s it going?

General: we taking care of business buddy

Gregory: what about the looters!?

General: the UN mission is taking care of it

Gregory: oh dear

General: actually there is calm on the streets

Gregory: well it’s not like they won the SuperBowl

General: we’re trying to save an entire population

Gregory: some say the U.S. military doesn’t work and play well with others

General: damm right!

Gregory: but there’s only one airport

General: and it’s ours!

Gregory: Doctor there is frustration over the
lack of smoothness helping earthquake victims in another country

Shah: jesus we starting sending aid 5 minutes
after the earthquake

Gregory: yeah but I like to whine

Shah: well calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but you didn’t send in enough
bottled water

Shah: we’re sending in water purification you
silly bint

Gregory: will the U.S. colonize Haiti?

General: that is not an affirmative, Fluffy!

Gregory: now that the crisis is over what now?

Shah: urban search and rescue, and sending
in help like food and water

Gregory: is that Detroit or Haiti?

[ break ]

Gregory: Kerry give me one word to describe Haiti

Sanders: chaos

Gregory: wow it sounds bad

Sanders: but actually things are getting better

Gregory: could you really find people alive
after all this time?

Sanders: yes this happens every time the media covers an earthquake Fluffers

Gregory: how come it isn’t easy to get supplies to
an island devastated by an earthquake?

Sanders: why is he sitting there while I’m stuck
in fucking Haiti?

Producer: uh Kerry you said that out loud

Sanders: oh

[ break ]

Gregory: Bush what’s your biggest concern
right now?

Bush: them Cowboys have no defense!

Gregory: Bill?

Clinton: the Haitian police force is on the job
- with no uniforms or weapons

Gregory: ok - should the US colonize Haiti?

Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the
US temporary control of the area

Native Americans: uh oh

Bush: I’ve been through crises but people will
forget after a while

Gregory: like how you were president on 9/11?

Bush: no there were no attacks when I was President - just ask Saint Rudy

Clinton: I believe Haiti will be back and better
than ever!

Gregory: jesus you’re an optimist

Clinton: look at my life - wouldn’t you be?

Gregory: should we really give so much money
to all these former slaves?

Bush: good point but we can’t neglect Haiti when
it can get us on tv looking compassionate

Gregory: why should we care about this far-away backward corrupt region?

Clinton: hey I like Alaska

Gregory: what did you learn about your fuck-ups
in Katrina and everything else?

Bush: I learn you can’t trust shysters

Gregory: dear lord you do have a way with words

Gregory: Did Obama politicize this earthquake?

Bush: what are you talking about?

Gregory: I dunno

Gregory: Bill why can’t we just get along like this
all the time?

Clinton: I heard you were a moron

[ break ]

Gregory: Karen you witnessed Bush completely
fuck up the Katrina response

Hughes: indeed so I ought to know

Gregory: Bush is back!

Hughes: yeah it’s weird ‘Bush’ and ‘disaster relief’ don’t go well together

Gregory: John who’s winning Haiti vs. Katrina?

Podesta: oh Obama of course - he’s agile and
he's got alacrity

Gregory: Haiti was just about to turn the corner!

Woodward: right!

Gregory: but what’s the commitment in this U.S.
to help Haiti even more??

Woodward: like we’ve done so much before

Gregory: right

Woodward: the winguts and liberal bloggers hate seeing Clinton and Stupid being nice to each other

Gregory: speaking of idiots - Mark Halperin!

Halperin: this is just like the underpants bomber
but this time Obama is getting it right

Gregory: Limbaugh says we should let people die

Halperin: and the GOP won’t repudiate him!

Gregory: speaking of triviality - polls say Obama loses to “someone else”

Podesta: my god that’s stupid

Hughes: he has to stop blaming everything on Bush

Podesta: but Bush was the worst President
of all time

Hughes: oh we all inherit challenges

Podesta: Bush nearly wrecked this country!

Hughes: but Evan Bayh says Obama is too liberal!

Podesta: well Evan Bayh is an idiot

Woodward: you are all look foolish - people thought Reagan was doomed in 1982 and later he won every U.S. state but Haiti

Halperin: Obama is good at mechanics but he’s not inspiring people which is ironic

Hughes: no it was Bush who rescued the economy by giving billions of free money to rich people who ruined the U.S. economy

Podesta: jesus fuck

Hughes: Obama lied to people - he never said
he would pass health care reform!

Gregory: Karen he ran on health care!

Hughes: well anyway he does too much

Gregory: we never had the problem under Bush

Hughes: exactly!

Gregory: Obama wants to tax the banks who
got welfare

Woodward: well they can afford it - they are giving out bonuses

Gregory: what does Bush think about Cheney going out and saying totally insane things?

Hughes: frankly he’s scared of Dick Cheney

Gregory: but what does he think?

Hughes: well I think Obama should have tortured
the underwear bomber

Gregory: you’re sick

Gregory: OMG a Democrat might lose in Massachusetts!

Halperin: that’s good news for Obama so he
can enact a weak health care reform bill

Woodward: Charles Krauthammer says Obama is a socialist

Gregory: I thought he was Kenyan

Hughes: he’s a communist

Podesta: I can’t believe Massachusetts will replace Teddy with a teabagging centerfold

Gregory: how do we defeat health care reform

Hughes: oh no I hope they don’t pass health care reform!

Gregory: not the briar patch!

Podesta: people said that about the same bill in Massachusetts but guess what they love it now

Hughes: but it still isn’t perfect so we should go back to the status quo

Gregory: even if it destroys America?

Hughes: it’s the Republican way Greggers


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