Friday, April 15, 2016

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – April 10, 2016

David Wright
Cecilia Vega
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
John Podesta – Clinton campaign

Stephanopoulos: omg Sanders 
and Cruz are on a roll!

Vega: it's a New York City showdown!

Vega: Sanders has won 7 of 8 states

Vega: he won Wyoming but got the 
same number of delegates

Sanders: this will be the biggest upset ever!

Vega: now comes the big showdown –
New York were there are 247 delegates 
up for grabs

Vega: and they're in a nasty fight over semantics!

Vega: Clinton said 'superpredator' 
25 years ago!

Bill: the kids were hopped up on crack!

Sanders: Bill Clinton owes America an 
apology for defending the indefensible 
law I voted for

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Bernie

Sanders: you too Georgie

Stephanopoulos: you're not
going to win the nomination

Sanders: yes but I have the momentum

Stephanopoulos: I see

Sanders: we're losing but
not by as much as before

Stephanopoulos: you will fight 
at the convention?

Sanders: Bernie Sanders is the
stronger candidate!

Stephanopoulos: but she has more votes

Sanders: but only in the south

Stephanopoulos: okay then

Sanders: I appeal to independents!

Stephanopoulos: let's rehash
the stupid 'qualified' issue yet again

Sanders: Clinton team said they
weren't going to mean to me

Stephanopoulos: those fiends

Sanders: she said I was unqualified

Stephanopoulos: no she didn't

Sanders: they implied it

Stephanopoulos: all right then

Sanders: she supports trade deals!

Stephanopoulos: so does Obama

Sanders: she loves fracking!

Stephanopoulos: you want Clinton to 
apologize for 1994 crime bill but you 
voted for it

Sanders: but it banned assault weapons

Stephanopoulos: not the original bill

Sanders: I oppose the death penalty!

Stephanopoulos: nice

Sanders: we have too many people in jail

Stephanopoulos: so why does 
Bill need to apologize?

Sanders: because we all know the term
'super predator' must refer to young blacks

Stephanopoulos: Sandy Hook victims want
you to apologize for supporting gun makers

Sanders: that makes me upset

Stephanopoulos: oh

Sanders: it's wrong for murder
to be a political issue

Stephanopoulos: got it

Sanders: I took on the gun lobby in 1988 
and lost and believe me I didn't make 
that mistake again

Stephanopoulos: smart

Sanders: I support backgrounds checks
and oppose the gun show loophole

Stephanopoulos: what about special immunity for gun makers

Sanders: some politically connected
corporations just deserve special laws
to shield them the laws every else has to follow

Stephanopoulos: what about social security?

Sanders: we should lift the cap on taxable
income and we can fund poor elderly people
and that's Obama's position by the way

Stephanopoulos: is all of Wall Street 
really a criminal enterprise?

Sanders: the banks are still too big!

Stephanopoulos: but all they all crooks?

Sanders: yes the entire business
model of Wall Street is fraud

Stephanopoulos: will release your tax returns?

Sanders: yes but my wife is too busy to release them

Stephanopoulos: I see

Sanders: my taxes are very boring

Stephanopoulos: is New York a 
must-win state?

Sanders: it would be huge!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming Bernie

Sanders: you too Stephy

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: omg Hillary Clinton's
subway card didn't work which never happens!

Podesta: we're gonna win New York

Stephanopoulos: maybe but you're in a slump

Podesta: he just wins caucuses with
all those idealistic young folks who 
believe in things

Stephanopoulos: that's gotta hurt

Podesta: we've got the delegates!

Stephanopoulos: congratulations

Podesta: and we're gonna win minorities in New York and Pennsylvania and that other one in the middle

Stephanopoulos: Delaware?

Podesta: no the other one

Stephanopoulos: New Jersey?

Podesta: that's it

Stephanopoulos: Hillary voted for the 
Iraq war thirteen years ago so is she out 
of step with modern times?

Podesta: no she has a detailed
plan to winning many delegates

Stephanopoulos: should Bill Clinton apologize?

Podesta: Bill got a little hot but we need
to move on to criminal justice reform

Stephanopoulos: he was yelling about crack

Podesta: in 1996 Sanders campaigned
for the Senate bragging about his support
for the Crime Bill

Stephanopoulos: perhaps

Podesta: we all agree mass incarceration
while useful has run its course

Stephanopoulos: what about social security?

Podesta: Hillary wants to wealthy to pay more

Stephanopoulos: okay

Podesta: also there's gender discrimination in Social Security!

Stephanopoulos: isn't it a little late to prove she's honest

Podesta: she enjoys campaigning in
New York and loves riding the subway

Stephanopoulos: see that's an
example of the problem right there

Podesta: what ever do you mean?

Stephanopoulos: everyone hates the
New York subway – it's a crowded 
stench-filled rat-infested subterranean 
Dantean hellscape

Podesta: but a monthly pass is mere $116!

Stephanopoulos: what about all the
remaining questions about her e-mails

Podesta: fine let's do it

Stephanopoulos: all right then

Podesta: thanks for having me

Stephanopoulos: bye John

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: David what's
going on with the GOP?

Wright: omg there's going to
be a contested convention!

Cruz: we're going to win!

Wright: Cruz has the organization 
and the believers

Wright: there's no election in Colorado –
just a meetup of political geeks and weirdos

Expert: Trump completely screwed 
up Colorado

Wright: Cruz outmaneuvered Donald Trump

Stephanopoulos: I thought Trump 
was the business guy who worked 
all the angles

Wright: apparently not

Stephanopoulos: how is he going to defeat
ISIS and take the oil if he can't organize a
caucus in Colorado and take their delegates?

Wright: good question George

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