Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Meet The Press – December 13, 2015

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
John Kerry – Secretary of State
Ted Koppel
Helene Cooper
Jerry Seib
Molly Ball

Todd: omg 50 days to the first 
vote of the 2016 election!

Todd: Trump leads nationally but Ted Cruz
and Marco Rubio are coming up fast

Todd: Jeb Bush is a 7%

Todd: Cruz has 31% in Iowa!

Todd: it's a three-way race with two
crazies and one semi-normal human

Todd: weclome Marco Rubio

Rubio: what up Chuck

Todd: Donald Trump has
called for banning all muslims

Rubio: Trump reminds us that people
are scared and worried because
Obama is a bad President

Todd: you said Trump is offensive and outlandish

Rubio: it's not practical to ban muslims
besides we need them to turn in their
radical family members

Todd: right

Rubio: on the other hand we
need to call radical Islam by name

Todd: that should solve everything

Rubio: we need a smart president

Todd: is Donald Trump qualified to President?

Rubio: good lord no

Todd: what is he qualified for

Rubio: he's qualified to be a rodeo clown

Todd: you said Obama's speech
made terrorism is worse

Rubio: he should have
acknowledged people are scared

Todd: he did

Rubio: then he should said we can win

Todd: he did that too

Rubio: then he should do airstrikes against ISIS

Todd: he's launched 7,000 airstrikes

Rubio: well he should create a sunni army

Todd: okay so he's doing all that but create a foreign muslim army

Rubio: no he isn't

Todd: yeah he is

Rubio: he should explain to people
that ISIS is very bad

Todd: spoiler alert – done

Rubio: a couple of twitter posts isn't enough

Todd: oh no

Rubio: we need to reach out to young
people and tell them life under ISIS is no fun at all

Todd: you bashed Cruz for weakening surveillance

Rubio: we collected every Americans
phone bill and it's a very valuable tool

Todd: no doubt

Rubio: now we have to trust the phone company!

Todd: I don't trust those fuckers
since they canceled my party line

Rubio: exactly!

Todd: Has Cruz has failed this test?

Rubio: he talks tough about carpet bombing
but he wants to cut defense spending like a wimp

Todd: ooh

Rubio: he sides with the isolationists!

Todd: what state are you going to win?

Rubio: the state of fear

Todd: are you trying to win Iowa or New Hampshire?

Rubio: well sure why not

Todd: you're the Establishment Favorite

Rubio: what an insult!

Todd: really?

Rubio: yes how can I be the favorite –
no one will give me any money

Todd: good point

Rubio: plus I challenged Jeb Bush

Todd: true

Rubio: Defense! Hope! Dreams!

Todd: what about marriage equality?

Rubio: marriage is a ancient sacred institution
preserved by an Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas

Rubio: the Constitution does not give
the federal government the power to
give people equal rights

Todd: I see

Rubio: what about the right of
the people of Florida to discriminate?

Todd: do you accept the
ruling of the Supreme Court?

Rubio: there is no such thing as settled law!

Todd: thanks for coming Marco

Todd: go to the website to see
me ask Marco Rubio about Big Sugar

[ break ]

Todd: the GOP is completely panicking
over Trumps plan to ban Muslims

Trump: I am the least racist person you have ever met

Ryan: no! Stop it!

McConnell: great jiminy crickets

Graham: oh my stars

Trump Fan: who's bombing people?
Not the Christians! Not the Jewish!
Not the Buddhist!

Cruz: do you want this lunatic with his finger
on the nuclear button? And to be clear I am
referring to Trump and not myself

Todd: Republicans can't afford to
alienate Trump's horrible supporters

[ break ]

Todd: welcome panelists

Todd: Jerry – Trump Trump Trump

Seib: most people hate Trump but
his supporters aren't going away

Todd: Trump says hateful crazy things
and is only getting even more popular!

Ball: we talk like Trump is losing because
some are others are doing better but this
race has always only had one front runner

Todd: the Trumpster!

Ball: Ted Cruz scares the establishment
more than Trump because Cruz makes
Trump looks reasonable

Todd: why won't other candidates take on Trump?

Flake: if they won't support him it
gives him license to run a third party

Koppel: if you wrestle with a pig you get dirty

Todd: why would anyone wrestle with a pig

Koppel: don't mock my hobby Chuck

Todd: okay Ted

Koppel: you in the media do a poll every few days

Todd: try every few hours old man

Cooper: they can't alienate
his psycho supporters

Todd: right

Cooper: the party has moved far to the right

Ball: Trump's supporters are not the
hard-core right or tea party

Seib: That's true – Ted Cruz is 
winning the real lunatics

Todd: Trump's supporters feel like outcasts

Koppel: Trump is the ISIS recruiter in chief!

Todd: quite an achievement

Koppel: we should think about
what ISIS wants and then not do it

Todd: thanks panelists

Todd: we are going to try something
really crazy on Meet The Press – checking facts

Audience: [ faints ]

[ break ]

Todd: fresh polls! we got em!

Todd: Trump still leads!

Todd: educated voters like Marco Rubio

Todd: church-goers like Ted Cruz

Todd: non-religious high school
graduates like Trump

Todd: someone has to bring these groups together

Todd: my pick to do it – Ted Cruz

[ break ]

Obama: this is turning point!

Todd: this week in Paris there was
a landmark climate change agreement

Todd: welcome Secretary Kerry

Todd: there are pledges and promises
but there's no enforcement mechanism

Kerry: Obama is a true leader!

Todd: okay

Kerry: 186 countries came together!

Todd: but how do hit countries that don't comply

Kerry: we have a legally binding reporting mechanism

Todd: doesn't sound tough

Kerry: all these countries got together
because they really think there's a problem
so they'll probably abide by their promises

Todd: but if someone doesn't comply
we don't get to bomb or anything

Kerry: if someone doesn't follow through
then we will work with them instead of
hitting them with a sledgehammer

Todd: that's not very manly

Kerry: we're sending a message to
capitalists everywhere – if you want
to make money build solar panels

Todd: Congress hates this and 
you still need their money

Kerry: President Obama was just on
the phone with President of Brazil

Todd: to apologize for Rio 2

Kerry: don't mess with Obama –
he's not a lame duck he's a soaring eagle

Todd: what's the world reaction to
Trump wanting to ban all muslims?

Kerry: people are shocked because 
America always seemed so nice

Todd: I always thought so

Kerry: it's dangerous because it seems
like were at war with Islam and we're not

Todd: right

Kerry: it's against fundamental American values

Todd: the San Bernardino terrorist
posted her ravings on social media

Kerry: we have a very good vetting system

Todd: but she put terror thoughts on
her Facebook page and you missed it

Kerry: well that does seem like a problem

Todd: yeah

Kerry: but we still can't ban all Muslims

Todd: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Todd: could there be contested convention?

Todd: or will Rubio or Cruz take it all?

Todd: or does Trump win the delegates
and the GOP panics?

Todd: it's all about Trump!

Seib: this is time everything is
different because of Trump

Seib: don't forget not every state is 'winner take all'

Todd: oh no?

Seib: Jon Kasich could take all the Ohio
delegates and become a kingmaker!

Todd: people love this reality show

Koppel: you are drooling on your shirt
over the possibility of a brokered convention

Todd: you love it too Ted

Cooper: this is every political reporter's
fantasy but it never happens

Copper: if the GOP elite hand picked
a candidate voters would be furious

Ball: for Trump supporters their second
choice was Ted Cruz but now they'll
attack each other and that could change

Todd: is Jeb Bush done for?

Ball: who?

Seib: don't forget Chris Christie!

Koppel: the powers that be also hate Ted Cruz

Todd: well they can't exclude Trump and Cruz

Scalia: maybe black people
should go to a slower school

Todd: just like Al Campanis on your show!

Koppel: he's old and also racist

Cooper: my young black friends weren't shocked

Seib: to be fair he's citing a whole
discredited school of thought

Todd: this is why Scalia is against
cameras or audio in the courtroom

Ball: its called accountability and they don't like it

Todd: molly just dropped the mic

[ break ]

Todd: Ted you wrote a whole book 
about cyber terrorism

Koppel: we live in a time where someone
in Somalia can take down our power grid

Seib: business leaders are terrified of this

Todd: the media is worried too

Cooper: so is the government

Koppel: we've all been hacked

[ break ]

Todd: Harrison Ford bashed Trump!

Q: who is you favorite fake President?

Jeb: Harrison Ford

Sanders: Michael Douglas

Cruz: Dave

Kasich: Harrison Ford

Seib: Morgan Freeman – he was god!

Koppel: Reagan was not credible
to play a fake President

Cooper: Rahm would be toast if
he didn't have powerful friends

Ball: don't forget people hated
Rahm even before all this

Todd: he's 90s Democrat

Seib: he's a fighter!

Koppel: Rahm isn't going anywhere

Todd: but can he get anything done anymore?

Copper: no

Seib: Chicago needs a firm hand!

Todd: and that's another episode of Meet The Press

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