Wednesday, December 16, 2015

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – December 13, 2015

Ben Carson
John Kerry – Secretary of State

Stephanopoulos: OMG Ted Cruz is
beating Doanld Trump in Iowa!

Karl: The Republican party is in chaos!

Trump: we must ban all muslims!

Ryan: Republicans don't hate muslims no
matter what you might have heard

Jeb: he's unhinged!

Trump: I'm not going away!

Karl: Cruz is ahead by ten points in Iowa!

Cruz: Trump is a nice guy – but a nut!

Trump: I question his religion

Carson: I will form the Slumber party!

Karl: insulting Iowa voters may not be too smart

Stephanopoulos: have you ever
seen a surge like Cruz in Iowa?

Expert: never! it's crazy!

Stephanopoulos: wow

Expert: he's put in the time to
reach out the religious wackos here

Stephanopoulos: wow

Expert: people just love
that Cuban-Canadian weirdo

Stephanopoulos: what happened to Ben Carson?

Expert: he starting talking and
it all went downhill from there

Stephanopoulos: welcome Doctor Carson

Carson: nice to be here George

Stephanopoulos: you campaign
is in free fall – what went wrong?

Carson: the people have spoken George

Stephanopoulos: Ted Cruz says you're too
much of an idiot to be Commander-in-Chief

Carson: I have spent much time
in a cold sterile operating room

Stephanopoulos: you think Ted Cruz
spends all his time at cocktail parties

Carson: not all of it

Stephanopoulos: you have no
experience in government

Carson: I've spent time with CEOs and I learned
that you can be really stupid and run some of
American's largest corporations

Stephanopoulos: that's true

Carson: I may know nothing about the
issues but I will surround myself with smart people

Stephanopoulos: good to know

Carson: there are lots of people in
Congress with experience and they all suck

Stephanopoulos: you threatened
to leave the Republican party

Carson: i'm tried of the subterfuge

Stephanopoulos: so will you leave?

Carson: if I sense shady stuff
then yes I'm outta here

Stephanopoulos: what about banning muslims?

Carson: I understand the concept –
I just wouldn't base it on religion

Stephanopoulos: I see

Carson: Syrian refugees don't want to come here

Stephanopoulos: they don't?

Carson: giving people fleeing war and
oppression help doesn't solve the
problem it just feels good

Stephanopoulos: you change positions every 24 hours

Carson: I'm not talking about following
every visitor to the U.S. around 24 hours per day

Stephanopoulos: you just want to know their itinerary

Carson: exactly

Stephanopoulos: but won't terrorists just lie?

Carson: why don't we go to the Israelis
and ask them how they do it?

Stephanopoulos: do what?

Carson: successfully prevent all terrorism

Stephanopoulos: do you believe Islam is not constitutional

Carson:Islam doesn't respect homosexuals
which is against the Constitution

Carson: people need to know the agenda
of the Muslim brotherhood in America!

Stephanopoulos: I see

Carson: muslims faked the moon landing!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming doctor

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: wow this week we had
a massive historic climate change deal in Paris

Obama: we've only got one planet!

Mars: hey

Stephanopoulos: welcome Secretary Kerry

Kerry: greeting George

Stephanopoulos: James Hansen says the
agreement is a fraud and a fake because
it's just words on a piece of paper

Kerry: well with all due respect it's an
agreement and that's how they work

Stephanopoulos: even so

Kerry: we all agreed to go to low carbon!

Stephanopoulos: but it's not regally binding

Kerry: it's a mutual pledge like
the Declaration of Independence

Stephanopoulos: Mitch McConnell
says the whole deal is a crime

Kerry: we've reduced emissions 
without that turtle man

Stephanopoulos: good for you

Kerry: this is what American leadership looks like!

Stephanopoulos: is it?

Kerry: 184 countries stepped up –
they're not all in on some gigantic hoax

Stephanopoulos: Republicans have
vowed to undo the agreement

Kerry: that's why we need to 
elect a Democrat in 2016!

Stephanopoulos: okay

Kerry: solar and wind are cheaper
than storms which are very expensive

Stephanopoulos: what about Trump?

Kerry: his stupid remarks put us
all in danger around the world

Stephanopoulos: how do you really feel?
Kerry: outright banning people
because of a religion is stunning

Stephanopoulos: it's a bit much

Kerry: it's against the American spirit and values!

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming

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