Sunday, August 24, 2014

Meet The Press – August 24, 2014

Host: Chris Jansing
Gov. Jay Nixon (D-MO)
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Kasim Reed (D-Atlanta)
Sir Peter Westmacott (British Amb. to the U.S.)
Kier Simmons
Richard Engel
David Ignatius
Helene Cooper
Gwen Ifill
Michael Gerson

Jansing: good morning – omg ISIS 
is on the attack!

Simmons: it's a race to save another
American held hostage held in
their evil clutches

Jansing: oh my

Simmons: there are Europeans in
ISIS including a guy with British
accent which is usually so classy
but also occasionally evil

Jansing: that's true

Simmons: there are 70 Americans
in ISIS and over 500 Brits!

Jansing: blimey

Simmons: they use iPhones to scare
people with their barbarism

Jansing: that is terrifying

Simmons: some extremist British
even blame America for Foley's beheading

Jansing: that's just wrong

Simmons: some of the recruits are
psychopaths and some are just naïve idiots

Jansing: can British spies find these people

Simmons: they can try but it's not so easy

Jansing: not even 007?

Simmons: possibly not Chris

[ break ]

Jansing: Congressman how panicked
should the average American be over ISIS?

Rogers: ISIS is a real threat and
will likely invade America very soon

Jansing: is there evidence we
are about to attacked?

Rogers: yes ISIS got kicked out of
al-qaeda because they wanted to
attack America and al-Qeada objected
because they want to focus on local
goods and farm-to-table mass killings

Jansing: ok that's weird

Rogers: it's all ISIS talks about
and you can believe whatever they say

Jansing: but aren't we safer
than we were on 9/11?

Rogers: yes but we need to
take the fight to them!

Jansing: strong words Mike

Rogers: they are one plane
ticket away from killing Americans!

Jansing: do they have frequent flyer miles?

Rogers: omg you're right – we're doomed!

Jansing: so what do we do about
it besides bombing which we
are already doing

Rogers: we need to get the good
Arabs on board with attacking ISIS

Jansing: I see

Rogers: the President needs
to get tough with terrorists!

Jansing: can the US defeat ISIS?

Rogers: yes we can – but Obama is a wimp!

Jansing: oooh

[ break ]

Jansing: Welcome Ambassador –
can the Brits identify the lunatic
who killed James Foley?

Westmacott: it's not about this
one chap it's all the British
blokes who joined ISIS who
I might add are naughty Muslims

Engel: they call themselves the
Islamic State and in a way they
do have a state now – they have
land, thousands of fighters,
millions of dollars and American weapons

Jansing: my god it's like West Virginia
with classier accents

Jansing: are they going to take
over Israel or the U.S. first?

Cooper: calm down Chris

Jansing: but America is
about to be invaded

Cooper: it was only after U.S.
air strikes that ISIS even talked
about killing Americans

Jansing: well the deed is done

Cooper: the U.S. used to laugh at ISIS

Jansing: well no one is laughing now

Cooper: sure but now everyone's
panicking like the U.S. is about to
occupied by a few thousand crazy guys

Jansing: but they have guns

Cooper: so do we

Jansing: what is Britain
doing to crush ISIS?

Westmacott: we're sending air drops of food

Jansing: dear god British food –
haven't the victims of ISIS suffered enough?

Westmacott: the soggy chips
break the fall of the fish

Jansing: problem solved then

Westmacott: we're also providing
re-fueling tankers for the inept Iraqi military

Jansing: that's not going to cut it Petey

Westmacott: we're using diplomacy too

Jansing: come on Ambassador –
they're beheading people!

Westmacott: but we're not being
invited to do more

Jansing: invited?! no wonder ISIS is winning!

Jansing: another American is still held
hostage and Richard Engel
you were also a hostage

Engel: I was taken at the same
time as Foley two years ago

Jansing: what about their ransom demand?

Engel: ISIS was not negotiating seriously
an American is too big a propaganda
prize to sell

Jansing: USA!

Engel: the U.S. is stopping bombing
at a Syrian border that doesn't
really exist anymore

[ break ]

Jansing: I went with Rand Paul to Guatemala

Jansing: he volunteered to do
eye surgery on blind people there

Jansing: it's charity but it could help
his potential run for the White House

Paul: Chris this is who I am –
I give and give and give

Jansing: but you don't always
bring camera crews

Paul: hey no one forced you to come

Jansing: Paul brought his own
PAC and film crew and advertising
campaign complete with drones
for that dramatic overhead shot

Paul: be sure to get my good side while
I operate on this telegenic Guatemalan

Jansing: Rand what's your
take on Ferguson?

Paul: there is a very good chance
what happened in Ferguson has
nothing to do with race

Jansing: maybe

Paul: but regardless we need
to re-think war on drugs

Jansing: what's with the police
armoured up like troops

Paul: are terrorists really going to
invade Fargo and would it be so
bad if they did – ha ha just kidding

Jansing: good one Rand

Paul: Hillary Clinton is going to get
us involved in another middle eastern
war like those Democrats always do

Jansing: while I was there we saw the doctors
transforming the lives of blind people –
now they can see and escape to America
where Rand Paul will send them back

[ break ]

Jansing: is Paul too unemotional?

Reporter: yes at times he's
unemotional and detached and
kind of an asshole like all doctors

Jansing: even Doctor Who?

Reporter: he made Nixon look nice!

Jansing: Senator Paul met with
the President of Guatemala
and told him all their problems
are Obama's fault

Ignatius: The Beltway hates him
because he is an isolationist but
then he visited another country
which blew my mind

Gerson: if we followed his advice
and eliminated all foreign aid
millions of children around the
world would suffer terribly

Jansing: in-person he comes
across as kind of a jerk

Ifill: the more important point is
the split in the GOP – you just had
Mike Rogers on calling Obama
a wimp and here's Paul saying
Hillary Clinton is too war-like

[ break ]

Jansing: welcome Governor –
why are the police in your state
dressed like they getting ready for
a land war in Asia?

Nixon: that's a good question

Jansing: what went wrong in Ferguson?

Nixon: don't you mean why are
things in Ferguson going to so
well under my stellar leadership?

Jansing: no

Nixon: okay then

Jansing: are you worried about 
what will happen if the police officer
is not charged with a crime?

Nixon: no because I have faith in
the peaceful people of Ferguson

Jansing: Black people think
this is a biased investigation

Nixon: yes but there's a chance
we will get it right

Jansing: why not replace
the District Attorney?

Nixon: well he was elected

Jansing: do you think the people trust him?

Nixon: why not – he's a middle-aged
white man

Jansing: so is Homer Simpson

Nixon: oh my god I'm missing the marathon!

[ runs off the set ]

Jansing: thanks for coming Jay

[ break ]

Jansing: Panel what do
we make of Ferguson?

Reed: we must remember
a child was killed

Jansing: ok but what
about the protests?

Reed: Holder's visit was vital at
providing calm by promising
transparency and a federal investigation
so we have two chances at justice

Jansing: questions are raised
about the President's tone

Ifill: we have a racial problem in this
country and one speech by Obama
isn't going to fix it

Jansing: yes but we have this sense
that Obama could fix everything
 with one speech

Ifill: young people are taking the
lead and demanding change

Gerson: I think Obama has been
very good – after all we don't know
what happened with this specific
shooting so are there limits to what he can do

Jansing: Joe Biden says you can't 
negotiate with ISIS

Ignatius: it's tough because we
have to stop ISIS but Americans
don't want another middle east war

Jansing: but they're so violent

Ignatius: so is ISIS

Jansing: um right

Ignatius: Obama is getting
the right balance between
mindless militarism and undue caution

Ifill: there's no easy answer here

Jansing: the question is raised
that we are sending the wrong message
that we are not terrified of ISIS
because Obama played golf

Gerson: the Presidents I worked
for deserved their vacations but
Obama clearly doesn't care when
an American is beheaded

Reed: Congress is on vacation!
The media is on vacation!
All of America is on vacation!

Jansing: whoa Kasim

Reed: the war-weary American
people are going to have to
suck it up and invade Syria

[ break ]

Jansing: welcome Reverend Sharpton
what are you going to say to 
calm Ferguson down

Sharpton: we need to deal with
aggressive policing of low-level
crimes or this will happen again

Jansing: we've seen this with
Trayvon Martin and Staten Island
what will it take fix all the
racial problems in America?

Sharpton: new laws and action by
the federal government – although
the unprecedented visit by the
sitting Attorney General was a good start

Jansing: people are angry now

Sharpton: change takes time –
after all the civil rights movement
took decades

Jansing: you are a surrogate for
Barack Obama to learn what
black people are thinking

Sharpton: I'm not a surrogate
I'm just a humble activist
and talk show host

Jansing: but is Obama
doing enough?

Sharpton: the President can't
get too involved with looking
like he's interfering with a
local criminal case

Jansing: what would justice be in this case?

Sharpton: fairness – is that too much to ask?
Jansing: generally yes
Sharpton: I thought so

Jansing: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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