Sunday, September 27, 2009

Meet the Press with Bill Clinton - September 27, 2009

Bill Clinton
Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?

Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive

Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?

Clinton: neither

Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?

Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing

Gregory: [ serious face ]

Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-

Gregory: do you like my serious face?

Clinton: it’s very nice

Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?

Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them

Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?

Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy

Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?

Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election

Gregory: that seems quite peculiar

Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy

Gregory: fascinating

Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam

Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!

Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]

Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military

Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US

Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows

[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]

Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?

Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day

Gregory: but nothing since then

Clinton: see how diabolical they are?

Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women

Clinton: indeed

Gregory: what have you accomplished?

Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people

Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars

Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it

Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?

Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?

Gregory: that’s right

Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?

Gregory: [ looks confused ]

Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron

Gregory: but the taxes!!

Clinton: calm down fluffy

Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?

Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results

Gregory: has he asked for your help?

Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart

Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?

Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin

Gregory: so much fun

Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor

Gregory: with there be another 1994?

Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby

Gregory: will you run for President again?

Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]

Gregory: so yes?

Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun

[ break ]

Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?

Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!

Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance

Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas

Gregory: yikes

Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran

Webb: he’s damm lunatic

Gregory: Ahmedinejad?

Webb: no Senator Kyl

Gregory: we all know that

Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war

Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops

Webb: sure but-

Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!

Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it

Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform

Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army

Gregory: you want to impose a deadline

Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics

Kyl: leave Utah out of this

Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11

Kyl: and she would know!

Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?

Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!

Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!

Gregory: but-

Webb: and they left before the Surge!

Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!

Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there

Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?

Webb: jesus you really are fucker

[ break ]

Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you

Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run

Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run

Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run

Gregory: was the White House one of them?

Paterson: maybe

Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?

Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious

Gregory: I see

Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway

Gregory: why are your polls so low?

Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion

Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you

Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor

Gregory: wow

Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit

Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?

Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons

Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?

Paterson: I already did fluffy

Gregory: but you have a deficit

Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention

Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?

[ fluffs hair ]

Paterson: It’s lovely David


Anonymous said...

OMG! That's hysterical. You make me laugh. HARD!

Larkspur said...

Kyl: leave Utah out of this

This is so damn highlarious. The whole thing, of course, is great. And there's even a mournful fiddle. Good work.