Sunday, August 23, 2009

Meet the Press - with Mullen, Eikenberry, Smiley and Scarborough - August 23, 2009

August 23, 2009
General Mullen
Ambassador Eikenberry
Tavis Smiley
Joe Scarborough

Gregory: General I love your epaulets

Mullen: thanks Greggy

Gregory: have the American people lost the
stomach to conquer Afghanistan?

Mullen: maybe but lets not forget the guys in the caves still want to kill lots of Americans

Gregory: do we need more troops to defeat these crafty Afghans?

Mullen: could be

Gregory: but President McCain says we do

Mullen: actually Obama won the election

Gregory: what?!? [ starts sobbing ]

Mullen: calm down fluffy

Gregory: [ wipes tears ] so is General McCain right?

Mullen: if you mean is Matlock a great show -- then no

Gregory: Ambassador Eikenberry I love your cereal

Eikenberry: thanks

Gregory: Ambassador how did Pat Buchanan manage to come in third in the Afghan election?

Eikenberry: I don’t know - it’s weird

Gregory: just out of curiosity are we ever going
to defeat the Taliban

Eikenberry: Afghanistan just had series of civil debates, peaceful rallies and respectful discussions

Gregory: wow if they really want to be
a model democracy they should bring guns to public policy debates

Eikenberry: indeed

Gregory: General we’re rebuilding Afghanistan - I can’t believe President Obama invaded this country and supports all this nation-building!!

Mullen: yeah Greggers keep telling yourself it’s just like Somalia with that all liberal nation-building

Gregory: but you’re trying to reach out to the Afghan people and get them to like America - isn’t that
a recipe for disaster?

Mullen: hell I’ve been there years and this is the first time we’ve had a plan at all

Gregory: what kind of solace is that for the America people who have to live a with quagmire and
a black President???

Mullen: essentially in Afghanistan we’re starting
from scratch

Eikenberry: we’re making progress

Gregory: but not victory - why do hate
the American Empire?

Mullen: I heard in remote Afghanistan that
you were a moron

Gregory: Iraq is violent - what’s up with that?

Mullen: I don’t know - but we’re getting the
hell out of there

Gregory: Should Americans be terrified of Al Qaeda?

Mullen: oh yes they could strike at any moment

[ break ]

Gregory: Senator Schumer do we really need a public option or can I persuade you to compromise and drop it

Schumer: we really need it because health care costs are rising and the private insurance industry
is a blood-sucking profit-seeking monopoly

Gregory: but people will lose their insurance!

Schumer: no they won’t

Gregory: but Rupert Murdoch had a headline

Schumer: Truly your sources are impeccable

Gregory: Obama is going to cave on the public option isn’t he

Schumer: no and I really don’t give a fuck if any Republicans vote for it or not

Hatch: Government plans are very expensive
- for example they pay doctors 20% less

Gregory: that makes no sense

Hatch: Medicaid and Medicare don’t work so why would we want another one?

Gregory: so what’s your best argument?

Hatch: I don’t think the government should control everything all the time

Gregory: ok

Hatch: the government shouldn’t take over
the health care system

Gregory: interesting

Hatch: if Ted Kennedy were able to he would call me up and say let's save grandma and reject Obama's plan

Kennedy: [ from hospital ] fuck you you goddam ninny

Hatch: 119 million people will lose their
health insurance

Gregory: that’s a lie

Hatch: well the truth varies all over the place

Gregory: is Obama caving or not?

Schumer: no fluffybrain

Hatch: New York is not Wyoming!

Gregory: what about co-ops

Schumer: they suck

Hatch: we have 300 million people in this country and only a few who don’t have health insurance and most of them are illegal aliens or rich people who refuse to buy health insurance

Gregory: that’s an interesting argument

Hatch: If we get the government involved in the United States we will bankrupt the country

Gregory: Chucky will you push this through
with only 60 votes?

Schumer: well no Republican will vote for health reform - they said so

Gregory: is health care Obama’s Waterloo or
his Mamma Mia?

Hatch: if we make employers give health insurance then we will kill all poor people

Gregory: what is the Republican approach?

Hatch: to send old men on tv and rant and
rave about Germany and France

Gregory: and what else

Hatch: to whine about passing laws undemocratically with only 51 votes

Gregory: that sounds like a great strategy

Schumer: some say we should have single-payer and others say there should be no reform - let’s compromise and have a robust public option

Gregory: Talk health care to me

Scarborough: The Dems own this is city
- why don’t they just enact what they want?!

Smiley: Dancing Dave you would cry if Obama
did not reach across the aisle and be all bipartisan and shit

Scarborough: Obama has not reached
out to conservatives enough

Smiley: Obama is caving sadly

Scarborough: he owns the team and the arena!

Gregory: supporters of the President say crack some Democratic skulls and get it done

Smiley: sure but David Broder would have him impeached if he didn’t reach out to Republicans

Gregory: I’m concerned that Obama hasn’t reached out to Republicans enough

Smiley: we should hold all Democrats responsible for the conservatism of Blue Dogs

Gregory: I asked Tom Coburn if killing the President was a good idea and he said oh sure if he proposes a flawed health care plan

Smiley: that’s fucking crazy

Scarborough: both sides are screaming at each about things most people don’t understand like public option, evolution or gravity

Gregory: right

Scarborough: people should not be carrying guns to rallies - the fringe makes us all look nuts

Gregory: fringe lunatics like US Senator Coburn

Scarborough: right

Gregory: Obama seems to be failing
- what should he be doing?

Scarborough: go LBJ on their asses

Smiley: Martin Luther King wouldn’t have wobbled and Obama is fucking wobbling

Gregory: and thanks for fucking watching


Unknown said...

Keep up the good work. It helps me cope with the idiocy.

Elliott said...

If it's Sunday, it must be Bobblespeak Translations.

Karin said...

Thanks! You saved me two hours of my life that I would have lost if I have turned on the TV today.

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