Sunday, August 09, 2009

This Week with George Stephanopoulos, August 9, 2009 - with Howard Dean and Newt Gingrich

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 9, 2009
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
Stephanopoulos: the big news this week is that people who want to fix a completely broken heath care system are just like Adolf Hitler

Gingrich: liberals have a civic duty to listen to people scream and yell and sit there and not do anything

Stephanopoulos: that sounds like disorderly conduct

Gingrich: no, I don’t think any of them were
black Harvard professors

Stephanopoulos: why are these protestors so angry
and threatening violence?

Gingrich: they are very upset at Nancy Pelosi’s use of parliamentary procedures in the House
of Representatives

Stephanopoulos: of course

Gingrich: we have to let people get their all insane violent rage out of their system and them we can have a return to democracy in September

Stephanopoulos: Howard is all this anger
just manufactured?

Dean: Sure it is - but the point is this is not democracy it’s pure thuggery

Stephanopoulos: but those thugs only have
a few friends on Facebook

Dean: It’s not my fault no one like Republicans

Stephanopoulos: but that proves that this is genuine
anger at the horrible stimulus bill

Dean: Even Republicans love handing out
stimulus checks!

Stephanopoulos: Dean you hate health care so much you went after Ben Nelson who after all is a very nice white man

Dean: well I think giving health insurance companies $60 billion a year is insane - why not give people the choice to join a government-run plan?

Gingrich: no we can’t do that because I have verified proof that Medicaid is totally corrupt

Stephanopoulos: what is your proof?

Gingrich: I wrote a book called
“Medicaid Is Full of Crooks”

Stephanopoulos: well that clinches it

Gingrich: also we can’t have single-payer because Indians are treated badly

Stephanopoulos: Veterans get good care - except for the mold and electric showers

Gingrich: Medicare is basically a
private insurance program

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Gingrich: also members of Congress refused to join the voluntary program even though
they would force every American to enroll in the government-run health system against their will

Stephanopoulos: I find your incessant
lies fascinating

Gingrich: wait there’s more

Gingrich: the government plan would save businesses trillions of dollars which would
force Americans into a system so popular people would hate it

Dean: I should point out right now that Newt is
a cheap lying smear-merchant

Stephanopoulos: we all know that

Dean: how many times can I say it - no one is going to be forced to join the public health system if they don’t want to

Gingrich: but if it’s good system people will *want* to join it - which will hurt private insurers, which means people will lose their private insurance, which is bad!

Stephanopoulos: huh?

Gingrich: the only way the public system can work if it’s so bad no wants to use it!

Stephanopoulos: of course

Dean: this bill is a huge win for small business who will be able to offer their employees health insurance!

Stephanopoulos: but the Senate won’t pass
a public option

Dean: yes they will - 4 committees already have

Stephanopoulos: but you need 60 votes to
pass the Senate

Dean: no, you need 51 votes

Stephanopoulos: only if you use Democracy and not Bipartisanship

Gingrich: this is why Americans are so terrified - they know it is the hallmark of fascism to pass laws by majority vote

Stephanopoulos: ok

Gingrich: this is life and death!

Dean: didn’t you divorce your wife when she was in
the hospital with cancer?

Gingrich: liberals caused Susan Smith to
drown her children!

Dean: ok buddy

Gingrich: you can’t strip a tiny minority in the Senate of its god-given right to obstruct legislation
- it’s un-American!

Stephanopoulos: makes sense to me

Gingrich: I talked to Chuck Grassley yesterday and he made it very clear that in the alternate universe where people give shit what he thinks a public plan is unacceptable

Stephanopoulos: incredible

Gingrich: we must avoid rationing!

Dean: lying fuck

Gingrich: cost control would cause for-profit health
providers to go bankrupt

Stephanopoulos: what’s your health reform solution?

Gingrich: a tax on Kenyan-Americans

Stephanopoulos: noted Republican and Crazy Person Sarah Palin says she doesn’t want Obama
to murder her baby

Gingrich: so you’re in favor of murdering children?

Stephanopoulos: no one is proposing that

Gingrich: The Government has a noted history of killing innocent people - just look at Iraq, Gitmo
and New Orleans

Stephanopoulos: are you totally insane?

Gingrich: the bill is 1,000 pages long - who knows if a plan for an American Auschwitz is buried on page 400 next to Unicorns for Liberals and making
Bigfoot a Senator??

Dean: oh I agree entirely

Stephanopoulos: [ put face in hands ]

Dean: I practiced medicine for years and the only bureaucrats killing people worked for health insurance companies

Gingrich: well of course how else do you expect them to make money - by just giving medical care to every person who walks through the door or
who has been paying premiums for years?

Dean: well maybe health care shouldn’t be based
on making a massive profit!!

Gingrich: see you want to put health insurers out of business and then people won’t have health insurance

Dean: they don’t have it now!

Gingrich: no, they have health insurance they just don’t have health care

Dean: oh for fuck’s sake

Gingrich: it’s Howard’s dirty time of the month

Dean: you're a loony

Stephanopoulos: thanks for watching everyone


Feud Turgidson said...

The best BT EV-UH!

Unknown said...

Awesome, as alway!

But I wish you didn't have to...

Anonymous said...

a tax on Kenyan-Americans. Priceless.

Oh dear god. I live for posts like this. Thank you.
- Ricardo Cabeza