Sunday, February 07, 2010

Meet The Press - February 7, 2010

John Brennan
Ed Gillespie
Dee Myers

Gregory: how does Obama define winning
the war against an abstract method of killing

Brennan: cracking foreign skulls

Gregory: OMG all those intelligence guys say
we’re going to be attacked!!!!

Brennan: al qaeda is currently recruiting more teenagers and exploring new methods of planting explosives in underpants

Gregory: they are so fiendishly cunning

Brennan: true but we working on developing new technologies on thwarting attacks with Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, Jockey and Victoria’s Secret

Gregory: will terrorists target the SuperBowl??

Brennan: now that Brett Favre is not in it what’s
the point?

Gregory: true

Brennan: we are working with panty sniffers
across the world

Gregory: will they target my shopping mall?

Brennan: if they are smart they will

Gregory: President Brown says we should torture the guy with the funny name

Brennan: I heard you were a moron Fluffy

Gregory: why was he treated as an American citizen

Brennan: he wasn’t you dancing fool

Gregory: but he’s so scary!

Brennan: we did what Bush did for every terrorist

Gregory: but Republicans are tough and you
are a non-torturing wimp

Brennan: you know I’m tired of ignorant liars like Brown

Gregory: that reminds me - by defending yourselves from Republicans lies you endangered national security!!

Brennan: [ palmface ]
jesus christ

Gregory: but you didn’t share information about
how you intended to torture this kid

Brennan: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: did the GOP sign-off on the decision not squeeze his balls?

Brennan: who knows what the fuck GOP Congressmen think about anything - they’re all fucking liars and idiots

Gregory: so if he is talking what are you learning about al qaeda?

Brennan: it turns out al qaeda wants to launch attacks on the West

Gregory: oh my

Gregory: where will KSM be tried?

Brennan: I don’t know but we’re actually bring
him to justice unlike Bush

Gregory: will he be executed?

Brennan: I’m not going to let al qaeda or the GOP rob us of our shining system of justice!

Gregory: but Holder promised to succeed - that’s not justice

Brennan: you’re a true idiot

Gregory: is China going to take away my
Twitter feed?

Brennan: indeed we have information they may target Facebook

Gregory: oh my well good luck to you sir

[ break ]

Gregory: is the economy finally turning around?

Paulson: yes but only if the government doesn’t regulate Wall Street

Greenspan: what we need is to do is cut taxes

Gregory: that is so wise - why should a business start hiring with all these heavy taxes!?

Paulson: shockingly I agree - I also think we should cut taxes

Gregory: wow you must both be right

Paulson: just as soon as CEOs have more money they will hire people to polish their yachts

Gregory: when is the recession over?

Greenspan: the recession is over

Gregory: how can you tell?

Greenspan: Matlock said so!

Gregory: but the stock market is down since January and it’s February!

Greenspan: Wheel of Fortune!

Paulson: don’t worry Fluffy we’ll all get rich soon enough

Gregory: Hank please bash Barack Obama for me

Paulson: I won’t - thank god Obama and Tim continued Bush’s great policies

Gregory: so did you vote for Obama?

Paulson: I won’t answer that - but let’s just say I didn’t vote for the guy who watched Matlock
every night

Greenspan: Matlock!!!

Gregory: Dr. Greenspan tell me the truth - are
you actually a Ferengi?

Greenspan: I live by the Seven Rules of Acquisition!

Gregory: people are underwater in their mortgages

Paulson: yes people’s inability to pay is a problem

Gregory: no in New Orleans they are actually under water

Paulson: no one predicted that housing prices don’t always rise for no reason

Gregory: I see

Paulson: and when that isn’t true people stop giving a shit

Greenspan: the best approach is to trade home value for credits on Deep Space Nine

Gregory: OMG the deficit!!!!

Paulson: this is an incredibly serious issue I just realized when a Democrat became President

Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the US temporary control of the area

Gregory: of course

Paulson: I have learned that it is very difficult to get Congress to cut Social Security and Medicare when people like it

Gregory: Alan how can we save America??

Greenspan: once we’ve hocked everything to the Chinese to fight all our wars we will have to sell them North Dakota

Gregory: OMG Obama is going to raise taxes on
the rich!!!

Paulson: sure it’s bad but what we really need to do is raise taxes on the poor

Greenspan: it is so sad that we have gotten to a point in this country where we cannot discuss eliminating the most successful social program in the history of this nation

Gregory: Hank are bonuses on Wall Street too high?

Paulson: sure I can see how people might think that but the real point is to put off any real reform while they pocket another trillion or so

Gregory: oh how droll you are sires

Paulson: you mean sirs

Gregory: um yeah

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG I just love Sarah Palin!!

Gilllespie: she rocks Fluffer

Gregory: does she rule the GOP?

Myers: she went out of her way to say crazy people hate the GOP as well as Democrats

Gillespie: they’re not Democrats or Republicans they’re anti-spending lunatics

Gregory: what is their plan for the debt besides waving pictures of Obama as witch doctor?

Myers: Bill Clinton created a surplus

Gillespie: no no no we had 9/11 and a recession and other fuck ups so the debt wasn’t Bush’s fault

Gregory: Ed please bash Bush then I will talk and Dee Dee will not get to speak at all

Gillespie: that sounds good to me

Myers: [ silence ]

Gregory: Bayh says why should anyone trust
the Democratic party??!!?

Myers: right it’s so sad the Dems can’t govern

Gregory: Ed is the Democratic majority in jeopardy??

Myers: I will take Bullshit Spin for $1,000 David

Gregory: but people hate the GOP as well

Gillespie: that’s true but we will lie our asses off in the meantime which often leads to GOP gains at election time

Gregory: good luck with that Ed



ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Teh first rule: "Once you have their money, you never give it back."

Anonymous said...

So many good lines in this one I couldn't pick just one.

Great stuff.


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