Sunday, February 28, 2010

Meet the Press - February 28, 2010

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Nancy-Ann DeParle: White House health reform director
Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA)
Rep. Wasserman Schultz (D-FL)
Marc Morial - President National Urban League

Gregory: what happened at the health care summit?

McCain: it was 7 hours - almost as much fun as
a Matlock marathon

Gregory: so it was good

McCain: yes but the President is planning to seize tyrannical power by passing laws with 51 votes

Gregory: so how will you react if the Democrats
do this terrible thing

McCain: reconciliation is evil

Gregory: you voted for reconciliation 9 times

McCain: yes but I objected strenuously to my votes

Gregory: Obama reminded you that the American people hate you

McCain: yes but the idea that you pass laws with
60 votes and a massive majority in the House is
just plain crazy

Gregory: how odd

McCain: it’s totally unsavory to make a deal to build a hospital in Connecticut behind closed doors

Gregory: you’re kidding

McCain: policy cannot be made by deals made
with lawmakers

Gregory: with all due respect you cannot possibly
be serious

McCain: I am serious and don’t offer me pudding
if you don’t have any

Gregory: John I didn’t offer you pudding

McCain: [ yells at cloud ]

Gregory: this bill is just like RomneyCare

McCain: why don’t the Democrats just agree to what Republicans want after all I was elected President - not him

Gregory: no you weren’t - you lost

McCain: then why I am always on tv?

Gregory: you’re the Jerry Stiller of pundit tv - a hilariously weird grandpa

McCain: look the way you have bipartisan negotiations is you get drunk with Ted Kennedy
and completely forget what you agreed to -
Obama didn’t do this that way at all

Gregory: How should Obama do it?

McCain: agree to everything Republicans want

Gregory: is it good for Republicans to do nothing?

McCain: the American people want us to start over go behind closed doors and make a deal

Gregory: why do the American people hate the bill so much?

McCain: the people hate cynical deals made behind closed doors

Gregory: you’re senile but JD Hayworth is insane

McCain: believe me I know

Gregory: is Obama a socialist?

McCain: look Obama refuses to sit down with us

Gregory: he sat down with you this week

McCain: which proved how wily he is!

Gregory: you said before that if military leaders supported repealing ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ You would agree but now you don’t

McCain: but there’s a supply sergeant in Germany who doesn’t like gays so we can’t

Gregory: I see

McCain: they are all saying no

Gregory: no they aren’t

McCain: it’s clear that we are in two wars so
gays are icky

Gregory: you voted for the evil TARP

McCain: Hank Paulson lied to me!!!

Gregory: you seem easily fooled

McCain: I’m no Matlock

Gregory: he says without TARP we’d have 25% unemployment

McCain: I read it in all the newspapers - they lied to all of us and saved General Motors which is nuts!!

Gregory: Iraq has been incredibly successful - can we do the same wonderful things in Afghanistan?

McCain: oh of course - but don’t forget we could still fail in Iraq - that’s what a great idea invading was

Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan?

McCain: I would appreciate it if Obama would go to Afghanistan and tell them he is never leaving

Gregory: anything else

McCain: he could name me President

Gregory: see you next week John

[ break ]

Gregory: Nancy can Obama pass health care reform or not?

DeParle: the President is trying desperately to point out we really need to enact reform

Gregory: do you have the votes?

DeParle: No

Gregory: has the President finally realized Republicans will never stop calling him a Nazi
New Guinean Witch Doctor?

DeParle: hey health care reform already passed the House and Senate by 60 votes

Gregory: McCain objects to all your secret deals

DeParle: I don’t know what Senile John is talking about

Gregory: oh but you did make Super Secret Deals!!

DeParle: how do you know?

Gregory: Honest John McCain told me!

DeParle: the election is over and the geezer lost!

Gregory: how can you go ahead with health care reform when the American people don’t want it

DeParle: they do want health care reform Fluffy

Gregory: if that’s true then why didn’t I put up
a poll that shows that?

DeParle: because you’re a liar and a corporate whore

Gregory: David Brooks says you should raise taxes

DeParle: he’s an idiot

Gregory: but he’s right

DeParle: so let him raise taxes or shut the fuck up

[ break ]

Gregory: Eric why hasn’t health care reform passed?

Cantor: because the American people have decided that health care is no big deal and the most important thing is not letting people sue for malpractice

Wasserman Schultz: hey dipshit right now we’ve got death panels and they are called insurance companies and Dancin’ Dave if you want to quote
a poll - quote that!

Gregory: General Electric won’t let me

Gregory: the reality is that people hate health
care reform

Morial: the reality is that you’re a paid liar

Brownstein: we saw different philosophies this week - the Dems want to cover people with health insurance and Republicans want to protect corporations from lawsuits

Kay: you American idiots have health care just above fucking Cuba

Gregory: let’s face it - Republicans are right all Americans hate the government

Morial: holy shit I heard you are a moron

Cantor: we Republicans care about suffering people - the best way to help people is to empower them to negotiate for heart surgery while they are dying

Wasserman Schultz: good god people are already paying for poor people getting treatment in an emergency room

Gregory: no no no reality check time

Brownstein: the CBO says ObamaCare would lower the deficit but the GOP says they don’t count because it supports a Democratic plan

Gregory: of course

Brownstein: the real problem is white people are afraid they will be giving something free to a lazy black person

Wasserman Schultz: Democrats would cover people, cut costs and cut taxes and the GOP would provide gold toilets to the CEO of all the big insurers

Cantor: we have an [ air quotes ]
“incremental approach”

Wasserman Schultz: that’s code for do nothing

Cantor: we have universal coverage in our bill

Wasserman Schultz: no you don’t you fucking lizard

Cantor: how did you know I was a reptile?

[ rips off face, sticks out forked tongue ]

Gregory: eww

Kay: If the GOP can carry the amphibian and reptilian votes they can carry Florida and Arizona

Morial: what ever happened to fucking democracy?!?

Cantor: Pelosi wants to ram through her homosexual agenda

Wasserman Schultz: they just want Obama to fail
- oy vey

Gregory: Eric could you support anything in ObamaCare?

Cantor: tort reform, fewer restrictions on insurers and Obama resigning

Gregory: Obama should never have pushed for a necessary popular health care reform

Kay: that’s entirely dimwitted Daniel

Gregory: my name’s David

Kay: really?

Morial: we need to pass a motherfucking bill!

Brownstein: this is a gut-check moment Democrats - get off your ass take a risk and go for it on 4th and goal - you’re almost in the damm end zone!

Gregory: Charlie Rangel broke ethics rules!

Cantor: oh no so so so sad [ begins weeping ]

Wasserman Schultz: oy gevalt!

Gregory: Obama tried to get Governor Paterson out - and now look what’s happened

Kay: this proves Obama has no clout

Gregory: ha that makes no sense at all - we’ll leave
it there -- Go USA!
by Culture of Truth


JoshSN said...

America is a Love It or Leave it kind of country and moonshine makes no sense at all but My Name Is McCain, too!

I didn't watch David Gregory this week, BUT I FELT LIKE I WAS THERE.

I also gave Brownfield (the Heritage internet guy, right?) a hard time on Thursday, so feel particularly ammunitious.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Cantor: tort reform, fewer restrictions on insurers and Obama resigning

They probably oppose all those things if a Democrat proposed them.

PeerlessCynic said...

Love your site. It’s one of the funniest yet informative political satires out there. And Meet the Press is so full of material.

Batocchio said...

What an amazing "exclusive" interview with McCain!