Guests:
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Nancy-Ann DeParle: White House health reform director
Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA)
Rep. Wasserman Schultz (D-FL)
Marc Morial - President National Urban League
************************
Gregory: what happened at the health care summit?
McCain: it was 7 hours - almost as much fun as
a Matlock marathon
Gregory: so it was good
McCain: yes but the President is planning to seize tyrannical power by passing laws with 51 votes
Gregory: so how will you react if the Democrats
do this terrible thing
McCain: reconciliation is evil
Gregory: you voted for reconciliation 9 times
McCain: yes but I objected strenuously to my votes
Gregory: Obama reminded you that the American people hate you
McCain: yes but the idea that you pass laws with
60 votes and a massive majority in the House is
just plain crazy
Gregory: how odd
McCain: it’s totally unsavory to make a deal to build a hospital in Connecticut behind closed doors
Gregory: you’re kidding
McCain: policy cannot be made by deals made
with lawmakers
Gregory: with all due respect you cannot possibly
be serious
McCain: I am serious and don’t offer me pudding
if you don’t have any
Gregory: John I didn’t offer you pudding
McCain: [ yells at cloud ]
Gregory: this bill is just like RomneyCare
McCain: why don’t the Democrats just agree to what Republicans want after all I was elected President - not him
Gregory: no you weren’t - you lost
McCain: then why I am always on tv?
Gregory: you’re the Jerry Stiller of pundit tv - a hilariously weird grandpa
McCain: look the way you have bipartisan negotiations is you get drunk with Ted Kennedy
and completely forget what you agreed to -
Obama didn’t do this that way at all
Gregory: How should Obama do it?
McCain: agree to everything Republicans want
Gregory: is it good for Republicans to do nothing?
McCain: the American people want us to start over go behind closed doors and make a deal
Gregory: why do the American people hate the bill so much?
McCain: the people hate cynical deals made behind closed doors
Gregory: you’re senile but JD Hayworth is insane
McCain: believe me I know
Gregory: is Obama a socialist?
McCain: look Obama refuses to sit down with us
Gregory: he sat down with you this week
McCain: which proved how wily he is!
Gregory: you said before that if military leaders supported repealing ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ You would agree but now you don’t
McCain: but there’s a supply sergeant in Germany who doesn’t like gays so we can’t
Gregory: I see
McCain: they are all saying no
Gregory: no they aren’t
McCain: it’s clear that we are in two wars so
gays are icky
Gregory: you voted for the evil TARP
McCain: Hank Paulson lied to me!!!
Gregory: you seem easily fooled
McCain: I’m no Matlock
Gregory: he says without TARP we’d have 25% unemployment
McCain: I read it in all the newspapers - they lied to all of us and saved General Motors which is nuts!!
Gregory: Iraq has been incredibly successful - can we do the same wonderful things in Afghanistan?
McCain: oh of course - but don’t forget we could still fail in Iraq - that’s what a great idea invading was
Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan?
McCain: I would appreciate it if Obama would go to Afghanistan and tell them he is never leaving
Gregory: anything else
McCain: he could name me President
Gregory: see you next week John
[ break ]
Gregory: Nancy can Obama pass health care reform or not?
DeParle: the President is trying desperately to point out we really need to enact reform
Gregory: do you have the votes?
DeParle: No
Gregory: has the President finally realized Republicans will never stop calling him a Nazi
New Guinean Witch Doctor?
DeParle: hey health care reform already passed the House and Senate by 60 votes
Gregory: McCain objects to all your secret deals
DeParle: I don’t know what Senile John is talking about
Gregory: oh but you did make Super Secret Deals!!
DeParle: how do you know?
Gregory: Honest John McCain told me!
DeParle: the election is over and the geezer lost!
Gregory: how can you go ahead with health care reform when the American people don’t want it
DeParle: they do want health care reform Fluffy
Gregory: if that’s true then why didn’t I put up
a poll that shows that?
DeParle: because you’re a liar and a corporate whore
Gregory: David Brooks says you should raise taxes
DeParle: he’s an idiot
Gregory: but he’s right
DeParle: so let him raise taxes or shut the fuck up
[ break ]
Gregory: Eric why hasn’t health care reform passed?
Cantor: because the American people have decided that health care is no big deal and the most important thing is not letting people sue for malpractice
Wasserman Schultz: hey dipshit right now we’ve got death panels and they are called insurance companies and Dancin’ Dave if you want to quote
a poll - quote that!
Gregory: General Electric won’t let me
Gregory: the reality is that people hate health
care reform
Morial: the reality is that you’re a paid liar
Brownstein: we saw different philosophies this week - the Dems want to cover people with health insurance and Republicans want to protect corporations from lawsuits
Kay: you American idiots have health care just above fucking Cuba
Gregory: let’s face it - Republicans are right all Americans hate the government
Morial: holy shit I heard you are a moron
Cantor: we Republicans care about suffering people - the best way to help people is to empower them to negotiate for heart surgery while they are dying
Wasserman Schultz: good god people are already paying for poor people getting treatment in an emergency room
Gregory: no no no reality check time
Brownstein: the CBO says ObamaCare would lower the deficit but the GOP says they don’t count because it supports a Democratic plan
Gregory: of course
Brownstein: the real problem is white people are afraid they will be giving something free to a lazy black person
Wasserman Schultz: Democrats would cover people, cut costs and cut taxes and the GOP would provide gold toilets to the CEO of all the big insurers
Cantor: we have an [ air quotes ]
“incremental approach”
Wasserman Schultz: that’s code for do nothing
Cantor: we have universal coverage in our bill
Wasserman Schultz: no you don’t you fucking lizard
Cantor: how did you know I was a reptile?
[ rips off face, sticks out forked tongue ]
HISSSSSSSS
Gregory: eww
Kay: If the GOP can carry the amphibian and reptilian votes they can carry Florida and Arizona
Morial: what ever happened to fucking democracy?!?
Cantor: Pelosi wants to ram through her homosexual agenda
Wasserman Schultz: they just want Obama to fail
- oy vey
Gregory: Eric could you support anything in ObamaCare?
Cantor: tort reform, fewer restrictions on insurers and Obama resigning
Gregory: Obama should never have pushed for a necessary popular health care reform
Kay: that’s entirely dimwitted Daniel
Gregory: my name’s David
Kay: really?
Morial: we need to pass a motherfucking bill!
Brownstein: this is a gut-check moment Democrats - get off your ass take a risk and go for it on 4th and goal - you’re almost in the damm end zone!
Gregory: Charlie Rangel broke ethics rules!
Cantor: oh no so so so sad [ begins weeping ]
Wasserman Schultz: oy gevalt!
Gregory: Obama tried to get Governor Paterson out - and now look what’s happened
Kay: this proves Obama has no clout
Gregory: ha that makes no sense at all - we’ll leave
it there -- Go USA!
*****************
by Culture of Truth
********************
Sunday, February 28, 2010
ABC’s This Week
ABC’s This Week
February 28, 2010
Host:
Elizabeth Vargas
Guests:
Nancy Pelosi: D-Speaker of the House
Sen. Lamar Alexander: R-TN
***********************************
Vargas: Nancy can you pass health care reform
Pelosi: judging by the summit meeting I would
have to say ‘are you fucking kidding’
Vargas: is that a yes?
Pelosi: well do we want to get a bill passed or get real reform - like close the donut hole
Vargas: ok
Pelosi: wait there’s no more - we have to remove
the Nebraska exception
Vargas: All of the American people hate health care reform
Pelosi: that’s stupid
Vargas: politicians are afriad that no one wants health care
Pelosi: the men in this body need to suck it up,
grow a pair of ovaries and pass real reform
Vargas: Obama dropped the public option
Pelosi: well somehow we need to rein in the evil insurance companies
Vargas: but Obama is to blame for not posting a bill on the Internet
Pelosi: hey Liz if Ted Kennedy hadn’t died would have reform enacted by now
Vargas: oh?
Pelosi: well it would also help if the GOP weren’t
total assholes
Vargas: that goes without saying
Pelosi: people are suffering and can’t wait any longer
Vargas: can House Dems support Senate restrictions on abortion?
Pelosi: we’re going to have to or else turn our backs on insuranceless Americans
Vargas: the Black Caucus says the $15 billion jobs bill, and I quote, “is fucking bullshit”
Pelosi: they’re right
Vargas: so what do you do
Pelosi: the health care reform bill will create 4 million jobs immediately
Vargas: how can Charles Rangel possibly stay in power if he violated ethics rules?
Pelosi: if we kicked everyone out who was unethical Washington DC would look like Atlantic City in January
Vargas: actually AC is crowded in the winter with criminals, gambling addicts and assorted degenerates
Pelosi: see what I mean
Vargas: you called the tea party movement a fake movement
Pelosi: no I called them Astroturf - but I love
indoor grass
Vargas: you have common ground with the loony tea partiers??
Pelosi: well let’s see them prove they are genuine by voting with us against corporations
Vargas: give yourself a grade
Pelosi: I give me an A for effort
Vargas: but you can’t pass any laws
Pelosi: Republicans require 60 votes just to approve the morning prayer so the Senate runs out of time
to get shit done
Vargas: what grade would give the Senate
Pelosi: uh what’s below F?? Z? Omega?
[ break ]
Vargas: Lamar will you ever cooperate with Obama?
Alexander: yes if he discards all his ideas and adopts all GOP ideas
Vargas: what’s your problem with the bill?
Alexander: it hurts Medicare
Vargas: are you serious?
Alexander: also he’s unacceptably jamming it through after a year of debate with a majority vote
Vargas: but the GOP uses reconciliation all the time
Alexander: yes but it has never been used for ‘Democratic’ laws - that’s the big difference
Vargas: I don’t understand
Alexander: it would be the end of the US Senate to impose majority rule on the American people
Vargas: it seems like people want some health care reform
Alexander: sure it’s a good idea but there’s a sense among lunatics that taxpayers are the jews for Obama’s ovens
Vargas: so if the Democrats lose all their seats what do you care?
Alexander: well then we’d have to repeal it and that would take too much time from stopping underwear bombers
Vargas: you say America can no longer do
big things
Alexander: yes
Vargas: that’s not good
Alexander: Obama can learn from George W. Bush and his restrained ways
Vargas: Pfffftt!!! [ spit take ]
Alexander: we do better as a nation when we do
little or nothing
Vargas: what an inspiring thought
Alexander: a 2,700 page bill written near a holiday after the sun sets is inevitably fascist
Vargas: you have a fascinating world view
Alexander: we have a country too complex to do big things
Vargas: if a Republican votes with Dems they get called ‘Judas’
Alexander: yes but in the tea party that’s a compliment
Vargas: really?
Alexander: like Joe McCarthy or Ayn Rand he was
a greatly misunderstood hero
Vargas: oh my
Alexander: it’s all in the new ConservaBible -
look it up
******************
by Culture of Truth
February 28, 2010
Host:
Elizabeth Vargas
Guests:
Nancy Pelosi: D-Speaker of the House
Sen. Lamar Alexander: R-TN
***********************************
Vargas: Nancy can you pass health care reform
Pelosi: judging by the summit meeting I would
have to say ‘are you fucking kidding’
Vargas: is that a yes?
Pelosi: well do we want to get a bill passed or get real reform - like close the donut hole
Vargas: ok
Pelosi: wait there’s no more - we have to remove
the Nebraska exception
Vargas: All of the American people hate health care reform
Pelosi: that’s stupid
Vargas: politicians are afriad that no one wants health care
Pelosi: the men in this body need to suck it up,
grow a pair of ovaries and pass real reform
Vargas: Obama dropped the public option
Pelosi: well somehow we need to rein in the evil insurance companies
Vargas: but Obama is to blame for not posting a bill on the Internet
Pelosi: hey Liz if Ted Kennedy hadn’t died would have reform enacted by now
Vargas: oh?
Pelosi: well it would also help if the GOP weren’t
total assholes
Vargas: that goes without saying
Pelosi: people are suffering and can’t wait any longer
Vargas: can House Dems support Senate restrictions on abortion?
Pelosi: we’re going to have to or else turn our backs on insuranceless Americans
Vargas: the Black Caucus says the $15 billion jobs bill, and I quote, “is fucking bullshit”
Pelosi: they’re right
Vargas: so what do you do
Pelosi: the health care reform bill will create 4 million jobs immediately
Vargas: how can Charles Rangel possibly stay in power if he violated ethics rules?
Pelosi: if we kicked everyone out who was unethical Washington DC would look like Atlantic City in January
Vargas: actually AC is crowded in the winter with criminals, gambling addicts and assorted degenerates
Pelosi: see what I mean
Vargas: you called the tea party movement a fake movement
Pelosi: no I called them Astroturf - but I love
indoor grass
Vargas: you have common ground with the loony tea partiers??
Pelosi: well let’s see them prove they are genuine by voting with us against corporations
Vargas: give yourself a grade
Pelosi: I give me an A for effort
Vargas: but you can’t pass any laws
Pelosi: Republicans require 60 votes just to approve the morning prayer so the Senate runs out of time
to get shit done
Vargas: what grade would give the Senate
Pelosi: uh what’s below F?? Z? Omega?
[ break ]
Vargas: Lamar will you ever cooperate with Obama?
Alexander: yes if he discards all his ideas and adopts all GOP ideas
Vargas: what’s your problem with the bill?
Alexander: it hurts Medicare
Vargas: are you serious?
Alexander: also he’s unacceptably jamming it through after a year of debate with a majority vote
Vargas: but the GOP uses reconciliation all the time
Alexander: yes but it has never been used for ‘Democratic’ laws - that’s the big difference
Vargas: I don’t understand
Alexander: it would be the end of the US Senate to impose majority rule on the American people
Vargas: it seems like people want some health care reform
Alexander: sure it’s a good idea but there’s a sense among lunatics that taxpayers are the jews for Obama’s ovens
Vargas: so if the Democrats lose all their seats what do you care?
Alexander: well then we’d have to repeal it and that would take too much time from stopping underwear bombers
Vargas: you say America can no longer do
big things
Alexander: yes
Vargas: that’s not good
Alexander: Obama can learn from George W. Bush and his restrained ways
Vargas: Pfffftt!!! [ spit take ]
Alexander: we do better as a nation when we do
little or nothing
Vargas: what an inspiring thought
Alexander: a 2,700 page bill written near a holiday after the sun sets is inevitably fascist
Vargas: you have a fascinating world view
Alexander: we have a country too complex to do big things
Vargas: if a Republican votes with Dems they get called ‘Judas’
Alexander: yes but in the tea party that’s a compliment
Vargas: really?
Alexander: like Joe McCarthy or Ayn Rand he was
a greatly misunderstood hero
Vargas: oh my
Alexander: it’s all in the new ConservaBible -
look it up
******************
by Culture of Truth
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Meet the Press - February 21, 2010
Guests:
Gen. David Petraeus
Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Rep. Van Hollen
Rep. Mike Pence
February 21, 2010
*********
Gregory: General we’ve had amazing success against the Taliban this week - how big a defeat is
this for Obama??
Petraeus: actually we’re winning and doing very well
Gregory: that’s not what I heard from the GOP
Petraeus: well you’re an idiot
Gregory: but there are questions-
Petraeus: shut up
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
but there are U.S. losses!
Petraeus: we’re sending in our Very Special Forces
Gregory: like ‘Special’ special or
‘Family Guy’ special?
Petraeus: ha
Gregory: so now that Obama is President I am concerned about U.S. losses
Petraeus: hey Fluffy did you know that 9/11 was planned in Afghanistan, Hamburg and Florida?
Gregory: good I want to help you invade
Daytona Beach
Petraeus: I’m with you Dancin Dave
Gregory: so who is this guy you caught?
Petraeus: we’re carrying this fight against the Taliban with our new allies the Tallyban
Gregory: Shouldn’t we be torturing this swarthy man?
Petraeus: Hey moron - torture doesn’t work
Gregory: but it’s fun
Petraeus: no it backfires and hurts America overseas
Gregory: awww
Petraeus: torture isn’t biodegradable - that’s why
Al Gore hates it
Greogry: but wasn’t Obama short-sighted for
closing our Caribbean torture gulag?
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Dick Cheney says we are going to be nuked
Petraeus: well he’s thinking of his failures and not Obama’s successes
Gregory: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Petraeus: idiot
Gregory: OMG Iran is going to drop a nuclear
bomb on us!!!!
Petraeus: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: But Daddy I’m scared!!!
Petraeus: Don’t worry we’re sending Iran a
sternly worded letter
Gregory: but shouldn’t Israel just bomb Iran?
Petraeus: Let me put it this way - wheeeeee
[makes whistling sound of bomb flying
through the air]
Gregory: Is Iraq a Democracy?
Petraeus: It’s an Iraqracy
Gregory: what is that?
Petraeus: Freer than North Korea but not as
fair as Florida in 2000
Gregory: close enough
Gregory: Isn’t this the wrong time to let those icky gay people in the military what with all the wars?
Petraeus: don’t worry Fluffy we won’t take you anyway
Gregory: but gay people are so gay!
Petraeus: have you seen the Olympics?
Gregory: good point - after all half the GOP
Congress are gay
Petraeus: hey if they can fire a gun they can
fight with me
Gregory: I bet they can General
[ break ]
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is a one-term President
Pawlenty: ooh I sure I hope Dick is right
Gregory: there’s a first time for everything
Pawlenty: we’re going to win in 2010 but I’m not sure about 2012 since the world may end
Gregory: you also say the GOP blew it
Pawlenty: yes but that was only the last 30 years - we’ve completely changed since 2008
Gregory: oh ok
Pawlenty: but these are serious times and we
need serious solutions
Gregory: like what
Pawlenty: repealing all Miranda rights
Gregory: you said we smash should the government with a nine-iron since a black man is President!!
Pawlenty: I had to say racist weird shit because China buys our debt
Gregory: are you running for President?
Pawlenty: sure - I’m dumb but white so why not?
Gregory: what about the stimulus?
Pawlenty: we need to grow the economy by
cutting taxes
Gregory: did the stimulus work?
Pawlenty: no
Gregory: but it created jobs
Pawlenty: but just government jobs
Gregory: so they don’t count?
Pawlenty: no because it only created 2 million jobs
Gregory: what are you answers?
Pawlenty: cut taxes
Gregory: anything else?
Pawlenty: take some taxes and cut them
Gregory: what is your vision for America?
Pawlenty: do anything we can to give stuff to corporations
Gregory: what about the debt?
Pawlenty: we should cut federal spending
Gregory: what about the wars?
Pawlenty: oh not defense
Gregory: so where do you cut?
Pawlenty: cut benefits for cushy overpaid bus drivers
Gregory: are we winning the war on terror?
Pawlenty: yes thanks to Dick Cheney
Gregory: is the climate changing?
Pawlenty: yes but it it all natural so we must declare war on Mother Nature - if we pour more coal into the atmosphere - that will show her!
Gregory: Gays in the military?
Pawlenty: no Republicans don’t want to join up anyway
Gregory: health care reform?
Pawlenty: just let people shop around for the best open heart surgery while they are dying
Gregory: tell me all your thoughts on God
Pawlenty: God wants to me to run for President and lose to Mitt Romney in the primaries in February
of 2012
Gregory: well ok then
[ break ]
Gregory: ok surprising many people Evan Bayh flew a plane into the IRS building this week - what is going on?
Pence: I agree with Evan Bayh that Democrats are evil and we should violently overthrow the government
Van Hollen: hey we passed a lot of bills and the Republicans recently voted against the “Republicans Get What They Want Act of 2010”
Gregory: Some say Obama should just give the GOP whatever they want
Dionne: The Republican Party has gone completely insane - which is fine but you can’t blame Obama for their intransigence
Noonan: we need more good things and not
bad things
Pence: We would love to work with Obama but he’s an evil man cooking up creepy things in back rooms
Van Hollen: The Democrats cut taxes on 95% and the GOP said that’s not enough because the poor rich were left out
Gregory: health care summit?
Dionne: the summit will be useful because people will actually be able to compare their ideas instead of yelling about not cooperating
Pence: no fair!
Noonan: Hitler used to pass bills of 1,000 pages
Dionne: oh
Noonan: also tax cuts are bad when Democrats do it
Pence: let me be clear on this - we are willing to work with Democrats if they do everything we want
Van Hollen: oh is that all?
Pence: also if Obama resigns
Gregory: Ha the GOP is going to take the House!
Van Hollen: no they aren’t stupid
Pence: the American people are tired of personal irresponsibility, big spending, debt and bailouts
George W. Bush:
[watching at home, in his underwear, drinking beer]
aaaw fuck you Pency!
[ throws slipper at tv ]
Gregory: thanks for watching
Bush: aw fuck you too fluffy
Laura: Calm down George
***********
Gen. David Petraeus
Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Rep. Van Hollen
Rep. Mike Pence
February 21, 2010
*********
Gregory: General we’ve had amazing success against the Taliban this week - how big a defeat is
this for Obama??
Petraeus: actually we’re winning and doing very well
Gregory: that’s not what I heard from the GOP
Petraeus: well you’re an idiot
Gregory: but there are questions-
Petraeus: shut up
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
but there are U.S. losses!
Petraeus: we’re sending in our Very Special Forces
Gregory: like ‘Special’ special or
‘Family Guy’ special?
Petraeus: ha
Gregory: so now that Obama is President I am concerned about U.S. losses
Petraeus: hey Fluffy did you know that 9/11 was planned in Afghanistan, Hamburg and Florida?
Gregory: good I want to help you invade
Daytona Beach
Petraeus: I’m with you Dancin Dave
Gregory: so who is this guy you caught?
Petraeus: we’re carrying this fight against the Taliban with our new allies the Tallyban
Gregory: Shouldn’t we be torturing this swarthy man?
Petraeus: Hey moron - torture doesn’t work
Gregory: but it’s fun
Petraeus: no it backfires and hurts America overseas
Gregory: awww
Petraeus: torture isn’t biodegradable - that’s why
Al Gore hates it
Greogry: but wasn’t Obama short-sighted for
closing our Caribbean torture gulag?
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Dick Cheney says we are going to be nuked
Petraeus: well he’s thinking of his failures and not Obama’s successes
Gregory: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Petraeus: idiot
Gregory: OMG Iran is going to drop a nuclear
bomb on us!!!!
Petraeus: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: But Daddy I’m scared!!!
Petraeus: Don’t worry we’re sending Iran a
sternly worded letter
Gregory: but shouldn’t Israel just bomb Iran?
Petraeus: Let me put it this way - wheeeeee
[makes whistling sound of bomb flying
through the air]
Gregory: Is Iraq a Democracy?
Petraeus: It’s an Iraqracy
Gregory: what is that?
Petraeus: Freer than North Korea but not as
fair as Florida in 2000
Gregory: close enough
Gregory: Isn’t this the wrong time to let those icky gay people in the military what with all the wars?
Petraeus: don’t worry Fluffy we won’t take you anyway
Gregory: but gay people are so gay!
Petraeus: have you seen the Olympics?
Gregory: good point - after all half the GOP
Congress are gay
Petraeus: hey if they can fire a gun they can
fight with me
Gregory: I bet they can General
[ break ]
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is a one-term President
Pawlenty: ooh I sure I hope Dick is right
Gregory: there’s a first time for everything
Pawlenty: we’re going to win in 2010 but I’m not sure about 2012 since the world may end
Gregory: you also say the GOP blew it
Pawlenty: yes but that was only the last 30 years - we’ve completely changed since 2008
Gregory: oh ok
Pawlenty: but these are serious times and we
need serious solutions
Gregory: like what
Pawlenty: repealing all Miranda rights
Gregory: you said we smash should the government with a nine-iron since a black man is President!!
Pawlenty: I had to say racist weird shit because China buys our debt
Gregory: are you running for President?
Pawlenty: sure - I’m dumb but white so why not?
Gregory: what about the stimulus?
Pawlenty: we need to grow the economy by
cutting taxes
Gregory: did the stimulus work?
Pawlenty: no
Gregory: but it created jobs
Pawlenty: but just government jobs
Gregory: so they don’t count?
Pawlenty: no because it only created 2 million jobs
Gregory: what are you answers?
Pawlenty: cut taxes
Gregory: anything else?
Pawlenty: take some taxes and cut them
Gregory: what is your vision for America?
Pawlenty: do anything we can to give stuff to corporations
Gregory: what about the debt?
Pawlenty: we should cut federal spending
Gregory: what about the wars?
Pawlenty: oh not defense
Gregory: so where do you cut?
Pawlenty: cut benefits for cushy overpaid bus drivers
Gregory: are we winning the war on terror?
Pawlenty: yes thanks to Dick Cheney
Gregory: is the climate changing?
Pawlenty: yes but it it all natural so we must declare war on Mother Nature - if we pour more coal into the atmosphere - that will show her!
Gregory: Gays in the military?
Pawlenty: no Republicans don’t want to join up anyway
Gregory: health care reform?
Pawlenty: just let people shop around for the best open heart surgery while they are dying
Gregory: tell me all your thoughts on God
Pawlenty: God wants to me to run for President and lose to Mitt Romney in the primaries in February
of 2012
Gregory: well ok then
[ break ]
Gregory: ok surprising many people Evan Bayh flew a plane into the IRS building this week - what is going on?
Pence: I agree with Evan Bayh that Democrats are evil and we should violently overthrow the government
Van Hollen: hey we passed a lot of bills and the Republicans recently voted against the “Republicans Get What They Want Act of 2010”
Gregory: Some say Obama should just give the GOP whatever they want
Dionne: The Republican Party has gone completely insane - which is fine but you can’t blame Obama for their intransigence
Noonan: we need more good things and not
bad things
Pence: We would love to work with Obama but he’s an evil man cooking up creepy things in back rooms
Van Hollen: The Democrats cut taxes on 95% and the GOP said that’s not enough because the poor rich were left out
Gregory: health care summit?
Dionne: the summit will be useful because people will actually be able to compare their ideas instead of yelling about not cooperating
Pence: no fair!
Noonan: Hitler used to pass bills of 1,000 pages
Dionne: oh
Noonan: also tax cuts are bad when Democrats do it
Pence: let me be clear on this - we are willing to work with Democrats if they do everything we want
Van Hollen: oh is that all?
Pence: also if Obama resigns
Gregory: Ha the GOP is going to take the House!
Van Hollen: no they aren’t stupid
Pence: the American people are tired of personal irresponsibility, big spending, debt and bailouts
George W. Bush:
[watching at home, in his underwear, drinking beer]
aaaw fuck you Pency!
[ throws slipper at tv ]
Gregory: thanks for watching
Bush: aw fuck you too fluffy
Laura: Calm down George
***********
This Week with Schwarzenegger and Ed Rendell - Feb. 21, 2010
February 21, 2010
Host: Terry Moran
Guests:
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
**********************
Moran: hey Governors the economy really sucks
Schwarzenegger: yah but haus sales are up and peeple are getting back to verk
Moran: Ed Pennsylvania sucks like California without the nice weather
Rendell: yes I predict things will go from spectacularly bad to merely horribly crappy
Moran: that sounds great
Rendell: thankfully Obama staved off disaster temporarily
Moran: I noticed the $200 billion jobs bill went
to $15 billion
Schwarzenegger: yah ve need to rebuilt Amerrycah
Moran: oh ok
Schwarzenegger: eff you built it zee peepel vill
come like Ike did ven he come to Ameruricah
Moran: but that was in the 50s when America
didn’t suck!
Rendell: we need jobs that can’t be outsourced
Moran: like what?
Rendell: bring back the steel industry
Moran: [ facepalm ] oh god
Rendell: no one is willing to plan beyond the
next election
Moran: let’s talk about the next election - here’s robot Mitt Romney
Romney: Employers were so scared by the stimulus they refused to hire people!
Schwarzenegger: but zen zey Republicans zey claim credit for creating jobs eets hippocrazy
Rendell: that’s well put muscle man
Schwarzenegger: da steemuloos vas gud
for gullyfornia
Rendell: Romney is a clever liar his programmer should be very proud
Moran: it may be a lie but it worked - which is the only important thing
Rendell: Obama let the GOP spin the media on the people on the effectiveness of the stimulus
Moran: what should he have done?
Rendell: should have emphasized that the stimulus helped hard-working white people!
Moran: Conservatives had a conference - wow they are so popular with crazy people!
Schwarzenegger: zey are ze party of ‘No’ but zats
ok because peeple are very angry
Moran: we should give them all guns
Schwarzenegger: yah all lessons of life zey
can be learned from de sports
Moran: of course
Schwarzenegger: but you fail sometimes and zen you succeed - for example I vaz in zat movie about a
pregnant man and zen I married a kennedy
Moran: that’s very nice Arnold but let’s talk about how Obama is a failure
Rendell: Fuck you and fuck Congressman
Pence too
Moran: We have to raise taxes and cut Medicare
Rendell: we have to raise the retirement age on those lazy old people!
Schwarzenegger: ve need da high speed rail and
da vater projects just look at zee pershians and zee romans and ze Egypt peeples
Moran: health care?
Schwarzenegger: ve must talk about fat kids
Moran: anything else?
Schwarzenegger: Dort reform!
Rendell: Republicans should have ideas
that don’t suck
Schwarzenegger: oh noes zats not gud
*****************
Host: Terry Moran
Guests:
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
**********************
Moran: hey Governors the economy really sucks
Schwarzenegger: yah but haus sales are up and peeple are getting back to verk
Moran: Ed Pennsylvania sucks like California without the nice weather
Rendell: yes I predict things will go from spectacularly bad to merely horribly crappy
Moran: that sounds great
Rendell: thankfully Obama staved off disaster temporarily
Moran: I noticed the $200 billion jobs bill went
to $15 billion
Schwarzenegger: yah ve need to rebuilt Amerrycah
Moran: oh ok
Schwarzenegger: eff you built it zee peepel vill
come like Ike did ven he come to Ameruricah
Moran: but that was in the 50s when America
didn’t suck!
Rendell: we need jobs that can’t be outsourced
Moran: like what?
Rendell: bring back the steel industry
Moran: [ facepalm ] oh god
Rendell: no one is willing to plan beyond the
next election
Moran: let’s talk about the next election - here’s robot Mitt Romney
Romney: Employers were so scared by the stimulus they refused to hire people!
Schwarzenegger: but zen zey Republicans zey claim credit for creating jobs eets hippocrazy
Rendell: that’s well put muscle man
Schwarzenegger: da steemuloos vas gud
for gullyfornia
Rendell: Romney is a clever liar his programmer should be very proud
Moran: it may be a lie but it worked - which is the only important thing
Rendell: Obama let the GOP spin the media on the people on the effectiveness of the stimulus
Moran: what should he have done?
Rendell: should have emphasized that the stimulus helped hard-working white people!
Moran: Conservatives had a conference - wow they are so popular with crazy people!
Schwarzenegger: zey are ze party of ‘No’ but zats
ok because peeple are very angry
Moran: we should give them all guns
Schwarzenegger: yah all lessons of life zey
can be learned from de sports
Moran: of course
Schwarzenegger: but you fail sometimes and zen you succeed - for example I vaz in zat movie about a
pregnant man and zen I married a kennedy
Moran: that’s very nice Arnold but let’s talk about how Obama is a failure
Rendell: Fuck you and fuck Congressman
Pence too
Moran: We have to raise taxes and cut Medicare
Rendell: we have to raise the retirement age on those lazy old people!
Schwarzenegger: ve need da high speed rail and
da vater projects just look at zee pershians and zee romans and ze Egypt peeples
Moran: health care?
Schwarzenegger: ve must talk about fat kids
Moran: anything else?
Schwarzenegger: Dort reform!
Rendell: Republicans should have ideas
that don’t suck
Schwarzenegger: oh noes zats not gud
*****************
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Meet The Press with Joe Biden - February 14, 2010
Guest:
Vice President Joe Biden
Rachel Maddow
Harold Ford
David Brooks
Rep Aaron Schock (R-Illinois)
February 14, 2010
************
Gregory: Hey Joe - how are the Olympic
games going?
Biden: except for that one guy dying they’re awesome!!
Gregory: you want to give Khalid Sheik Mohammed a fair trial but where?
Biden: somewhere safe and appropriate like New York City, Governor’s Island, White Plains
or Alabama
Gregory: haven’t you already decided not to release Khalid Sheik Mohammed??
Biden: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: [ grinning ] but by being sure of a conviction aren’t you prejudging the case?
Biden: god you are an idiot
Gregory: [ grinning ] but where is the justice??
Biden: jesus you’re stupid
Gregory: let me repeat a bunch of nonsense
from Dick Cheney
Biden: Fuck Dick Cheney
Gregory: but he says you are weak on terror
Biden: Dick Cheney is entitled to shoot a man in the face but he is not entitled to make bullshit up and have it spewed on ‘Meet The Press’
Gregory: yes he is
Biden: well he’s fucking crazy
Gregory: why do you think he’s lying?
Biden: maybe he’s an idiot too
Gregory: but you would never be outspoken
like that?
Biden: you fucking troglodyte - it’s not about being outspoken it’s about fucking lying
Gregory: unemployment has risen by 2 points
since you took office
Biden: hey stupid - we prevented a Depression and are slowly turning this economy around
Gregory: but in my opinion you have failed by not ending all unemployment
Biden: we’re actually accomplishing something you fatuous grinning fool
Gregory: but you have to concede that you are a bad Vice President
Biden: Hey Bubblehead why don’t you shut the fuck up and learn some facts?
Gregory: wasn’t pursuing health care reform a huge mistake?
Biden: sure it was - it’s necessary for the future of America but the people hate shit like that - they only like promise of candy and Disney rides
Gregory: Iran has a nuclear bomb when are we going to war??!?
Biden: Jesus Calm the Fuck down Fluffers - we have Iran isolated and boasting about sending worms in space
Gregory: Worms in Space - OH NO?!!?!!?!!
Biden: [ rolls eyes ]
Gregory: How is Iraq a victory for Obama?
Biden: by getting the hell out of that mess
Gregory: Was invading Iraq worth it?
Biden: Hell no dumbass
Gregory: What’s going on in Afghanistan?
Biden: we’re adding more seasoned, tough
and tender elements
Gregory: Pashtun warriors?
Biden: no I’m talking about Afghan barbecue
[ break ]
Gregory: [ grinning ] Obama is soft is terrorism!
Brooks: that’s totally bogus
Gregory: oh poo
Brooks: but you either follow the Constitution or
you get good intelligence
Maddow: what a fucking liar you are David Brooks
Ford: Obama is tough - he bombed a wedding reception Afghanistan!
Brooks: that was justified - it was an all-ABBA theme
Rep. Schock: why would we put criminals on trial when you could put them in a gulag!?!
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
if you’re not going to let go why even put them
on trial?!?!
Maddow: good luck with that lynch mob Greggers
Gregory: but but but -
Maddow: a terrorist is not a warrior - that gives them too much stature
Brooks: by predicting a conviction Joe Biden is betraying our values
Gregory: by saying KSM would face the death penalty there can be no justice!
Schock: I represent white mainstream values and the
beige heartland of America!
Ford: we should put KSM in a torture chamber so we can save money and pay down the debt
Maddow: [ jaw drops ]
Schock: that makes sense
Maddow: What is wrong with reading someone their Miranda rights?
Schock: People with Miranda rights don’t talk
Maddow: that’s not true
Ford: Rachel is right
Gregory: harry reid has boldly submitted a $15 billion jobs bill
Brooks: partisanship, pork and pointlessness all
in one
Schock: the stimulus bill didn’t create long-term growth
Maddow: it was only enacted this year buddy
Schock: we need to create certainty by cutting more and more taxes
Maddow: the GOP trashed the stimulus bill and then Congressmen take credit for all the spending
in their districts
Schock: we had to take the money the Democrats forced us!
Ford: the GOP are the debtors
Maddow: the real issue is hypocrisy
Brooks: Obama is a hypocrite for inviting GOP members to a health care bill even if he won’t
put all GOP ideas in the bill
Gregory: does the GOP have any ideas at all?
Rep: sure our idea is to start from scratch and
then do nothing at all
Maddow: oh for god’s sake the entire summer was wasted putting Republican ideas in the bill!
Brooks: national transformation is hard - we can’t have health care reform because of the Vietnam war
Gregory: Harold will you run against Kristen Gillibrand
Ford: I’ve been humbled by what people have been saying about you
Maddow: dude you should be
Gregory: are you a real New Yorker?
Ford: indeed someday I may even pay taxes here
Gregory: how nice
Ford: people want to cut the debt and we need to remember that as Republicans
Gregory: I thought you were a Democrat
Ford: the point is I will run as a champion of Wall Street bonuses
Gregory: are you pro-choice?
Ford: If you can’t see ‘Twilight’ without parental notification why can you have an abortion
Gregory: well I wouldn’t do either one
Gregory: Rachel - Democrats can’t govern!
Maddow: no stupid - Republicans won’t let government work
Schock: Americans want lower taxes and deregulation
Gregory: didn’t we try that for 8 years?
Schock: we did? I was 6 years old when Bush
was elected
Brooks: we need a third party to raise taxes and cut medicare
Gregory: a modern-day Ross Perot
Brooks: he’s insane
Gregory: I liked Perot
Maddow: he meant you Fluffy
******************
Vice President Joe Biden
Rachel Maddow
Harold Ford
David Brooks
Rep Aaron Schock (R-Illinois)
February 14, 2010
************
Gregory: Hey Joe - how are the Olympic
games going?
Biden: except for that one guy dying they’re awesome!!
Gregory: you want to give Khalid Sheik Mohammed a fair trial but where?
Biden: somewhere safe and appropriate like New York City, Governor’s Island, White Plains
or Alabama
Gregory: haven’t you already decided not to release Khalid Sheik Mohammed??
Biden: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: [ grinning ] but by being sure of a conviction aren’t you prejudging the case?
Biden: god you are an idiot
Gregory: [ grinning ] but where is the justice??
Biden: jesus you’re stupid
Gregory: let me repeat a bunch of nonsense
from Dick Cheney
Biden: Fuck Dick Cheney
Gregory: but he says you are weak on terror
Biden: Dick Cheney is entitled to shoot a man in the face but he is not entitled to make bullshit up and have it spewed on ‘Meet The Press’
Gregory: yes he is
Biden: well he’s fucking crazy
Gregory: why do you think he’s lying?
Biden: maybe he’s an idiot too
Gregory: but you would never be outspoken
like that?
Biden: you fucking troglodyte - it’s not about being outspoken it’s about fucking lying
Gregory: unemployment has risen by 2 points
since you took office
Biden: hey stupid - we prevented a Depression and are slowly turning this economy around
Gregory: but in my opinion you have failed by not ending all unemployment
Biden: we’re actually accomplishing something you fatuous grinning fool
Gregory: but you have to concede that you are a bad Vice President
Biden: Hey Bubblehead why don’t you shut the fuck up and learn some facts?
Gregory: wasn’t pursuing health care reform a huge mistake?
Biden: sure it was - it’s necessary for the future of America but the people hate shit like that - they only like promise of candy and Disney rides
Gregory: Iran has a nuclear bomb when are we going to war??!?
Biden: Jesus Calm the Fuck down Fluffers - we have Iran isolated and boasting about sending worms in space
Gregory: Worms in Space - OH NO?!!?!!?!!
Biden: [ rolls eyes ]
Gregory: How is Iraq a victory for Obama?
Biden: by getting the hell out of that mess
Gregory: Was invading Iraq worth it?
Biden: Hell no dumbass
Gregory: What’s going on in Afghanistan?
Biden: we’re adding more seasoned, tough
and tender elements
Gregory: Pashtun warriors?
Biden: no I’m talking about Afghan barbecue
[ break ]
Gregory: [ grinning ] Obama is soft is terrorism!
Brooks: that’s totally bogus
Gregory: oh poo
Brooks: but you either follow the Constitution or
you get good intelligence
Maddow: what a fucking liar you are David Brooks
Ford: Obama is tough - he bombed a wedding reception Afghanistan!
Brooks: that was justified - it was an all-ABBA theme
Rep. Schock: why would we put criminals on trial when you could put them in a gulag!?!
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
if you’re not going to let go why even put them
on trial?!?!
Maddow: good luck with that lynch mob Greggers
Gregory: but but but -
Maddow: a terrorist is not a warrior - that gives them too much stature
Brooks: by predicting a conviction Joe Biden is betraying our values
Gregory: by saying KSM would face the death penalty there can be no justice!
Schock: I represent white mainstream values and the
beige heartland of America!
Ford: we should put KSM in a torture chamber so we can save money and pay down the debt
Maddow: [ jaw drops ]
Schock: that makes sense
Maddow: What is wrong with reading someone their Miranda rights?
Schock: People with Miranda rights don’t talk
Maddow: that’s not true
Ford: Rachel is right
Gregory: harry reid has boldly submitted a $15 billion jobs bill
Brooks: partisanship, pork and pointlessness all
in one
Schock: the stimulus bill didn’t create long-term growth
Maddow: it was only enacted this year buddy
Schock: we need to create certainty by cutting more and more taxes
Maddow: the GOP trashed the stimulus bill and then Congressmen take credit for all the spending
in their districts
Schock: we had to take the money the Democrats forced us!
Ford: the GOP are the debtors
Maddow: the real issue is hypocrisy
Brooks: Obama is a hypocrite for inviting GOP members to a health care bill even if he won’t
put all GOP ideas in the bill
Gregory: does the GOP have any ideas at all?
Rep: sure our idea is to start from scratch and
then do nothing at all
Maddow: oh for god’s sake the entire summer was wasted putting Republican ideas in the bill!
Brooks: national transformation is hard - we can’t have health care reform because of the Vietnam war
Gregory: Harold will you run against Kristen Gillibrand
Ford: I’ve been humbled by what people have been saying about you
Maddow: dude you should be
Gregory: are you a real New Yorker?
Ford: indeed someday I may even pay taxes here
Gregory: how nice
Ford: people want to cut the debt and we need to remember that as Republicans
Gregory: I thought you were a Democrat
Ford: the point is I will run as a champion of Wall Street bonuses
Gregory: are you pro-choice?
Ford: If you can’t see ‘Twilight’ without parental notification why can you have an abortion
Gregory: well I wouldn’t do either one
Gregory: Rachel - Democrats can’t govern!
Maddow: no stupid - Republicans won’t let government work
Schock: Americans want lower taxes and deregulation
Gregory: didn’t we try that for 8 years?
Schock: we did? I was 6 years old when Bush
was elected
Brooks: we need a third party to raise taxes and cut medicare
Gregory: a modern-day Ross Perot
Brooks: he’s insane
Gregory: I liked Perot
Maddow: he meant you Fluffy
******************
ABC’s This Week hosted by Jonathan Karl with Dick Cheney
ABC’s This Week
February 14, 2010
Host:
Jonathan Karl
Guest:
Dick Cheney
*****************
Karl: Dick you say Obama won’t recognize the warlike nature of our non-declared war on terror
Cheney: that’s right when terrorists use box cutters to blow up a building that’s an act of war
Karl: so why didn’t you ask for a declaration of
war in 2001?
Cheney: Fuck you
Karl: The President says he’s doing more to combat terrorism that you ever did
Cheney: yes they did fix our mistakes in Afghanistan although it took them too damm long
Karl: Biden says getting out of Iraq will be Obama’s great success
Cheney: I can’t believe they are trying to take
credit for our lying fake useless destructive war -
that is totally mine
Karl: oh really
Cheney: Biden should get down on his knees
and thank George Bush for attacking the wrong country after 9/11
Karl: so you admit it was a mistake?
Cheney: no Saddam fought the Iran-Iraq war and used chemical weapons in the 1980s
Karl: that was all with American support
Cheney: we got rid of one of the worst dictators
of the 20th century
Karl: we’ll talk about George Bush later
Cheney: Obama thinks Iraq is a triumph!
Karl: I think he means getting out of Iraq
Cheney: hey were going to leave just as soon as
we figured out it was all a huge mistake
Karl: how you would have handled the underoos bomber
Cheney: I would have crushed his testicles
Karl: anything else?
Cheney: it’s clear they were totally confused they didn’t know whether to crush his balls or pull
out his fingernails
Karl: decisions, decisions
Cheney: to be fair it’s hard - what with the Constitution and the laws and all that crazy nonsense
Karl: let’s get back to torture - what other creative techniques would you have used?
Cheney: I will leave that to the professionals -
I’m only an amateur sadist
Karl: well make a guess
Cheney: well there’s hot pokers, the iron maiden, Jamie Foxx on the Grammys - all I know is Obama
is a wimp for using the Army Field Manual
Karl: why didn’t you torture Richard Reid?
Cheney: Believe me I would have but I hadn’t talked Bush into it yet
Karl: doesn’t it give the terrorists too much stature
to call them soldiers?
Cheney: I’m not interested in debating our hypocrisy - I just want to say Obama has a weak mindset because he’s never shot a man in the face - do you really want a man like that protecting your family?
Karl: in 2005 the Bush administration was proud their prosecutions!
Cheney: Well I never agreed with that - all those fucking wimps - we had a shootout in the Bush White House over that!
Karl: you had a vigorous disagreement over whether to use enhanced interrogation in the Cabinet?
Cheney: no I mean an actual shootout you dipshit
Karl: so you were the chief advocate for useless cruelty?
Cheney: I’m President of the Waterboarding Fan Club - DC chapter
Karl: who else is in that?
Cheney: Me, Rumsfeld, John Yoo, Addington -
Fred Hiatt is the secretary
Karl: Bush released terrorists back to the
Middle East!
Cheney: only because the wimps and weak-kneed softies and liberals back in the Bush White House made us - you see it was the strawberries--
Karl: [ backs away slowly ]
you seem a little crazy Dick
Cheney: I could prove torturing innocent people worked with geometric logic if only I had the duplicate key
[ fondles metal balls ]
Karl: you didn’t do anything against Iran
Cheney: yeah that fucking baby Bush left Iran a
big threat for Obama to deal with dammit
Karl: was it a mistake not to bomb Iran?
Cheney: you’re goddamm fucking right it was a mistake - we took out Saddam but it wasn’t enough
Karl: Palin says Obama should declare war on Iran so he can look tough to raise his popularity
Cheney: she’s a fucking idiot
Karl: What about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?
Cheney: it was essential in 2009 but now it’s
a bad idea
Karl: you have a reunion coming up - “Utter Failures” Class of 2008
Cheney: I’m looking forward to seeing the old gang of incompetents, liars, cheats, and sociopaths
Karl: you’re writing a book - what’s it’s called?
Cheney: I can’t tell you but I’ll give you a hint
- it’s
written in blood
February 14, 2010
Host:
Jonathan Karl
Guest:
Dick Cheney
*****************
Karl: Dick you say Obama won’t recognize the warlike nature of our non-declared war on terror
Cheney: that’s right when terrorists use box cutters to blow up a building that’s an act of war
Karl: so why didn’t you ask for a declaration of
war in 2001?
Cheney: Fuck you
Karl: The President says he’s doing more to combat terrorism that you ever did
Cheney: yes they did fix our mistakes in Afghanistan although it took them too damm long
Karl: Biden says getting out of Iraq will be Obama’s great success
Cheney: I can’t believe they are trying to take
credit for our lying fake useless destructive war -
that is totally mine
Karl: oh really
Cheney: Biden should get down on his knees
and thank George Bush for attacking the wrong country after 9/11
Karl: so you admit it was a mistake?
Cheney: no Saddam fought the Iran-Iraq war and used chemical weapons in the 1980s
Karl: that was all with American support
Cheney: we got rid of one of the worst dictators
of the 20th century
Karl: we’ll talk about George Bush later
Cheney: Obama thinks Iraq is a triumph!
Karl: I think he means getting out of Iraq
Cheney: hey were going to leave just as soon as
we figured out it was all a huge mistake
Karl: how you would have handled the underoos bomber
Cheney: I would have crushed his testicles
Karl: anything else?
Cheney: it’s clear they were totally confused they didn’t know whether to crush his balls or pull
out his fingernails
Karl: decisions, decisions
Cheney: to be fair it’s hard - what with the Constitution and the laws and all that crazy nonsense
Karl: let’s get back to torture - what other creative techniques would you have used?
Cheney: I will leave that to the professionals -
I’m only an amateur sadist
Karl: well make a guess
Cheney: well there’s hot pokers, the iron maiden, Jamie Foxx on the Grammys - all I know is Obama
is a wimp for using the Army Field Manual
Karl: why didn’t you torture Richard Reid?
Cheney: Believe me I would have but I hadn’t talked Bush into it yet
Karl: doesn’t it give the terrorists too much stature
to call them soldiers?
Cheney: I’m not interested in debating our hypocrisy - I just want to say Obama has a weak mindset because he’s never shot a man in the face - do you really want a man like that protecting your family?
Karl: in 2005 the Bush administration was proud their prosecutions!
Cheney: Well I never agreed with that - all those fucking wimps - we had a shootout in the Bush White House over that!
Karl: you had a vigorous disagreement over whether to use enhanced interrogation in the Cabinet?
Cheney: no I mean an actual shootout you dipshit
Karl: so you were the chief advocate for useless cruelty?
Cheney: I’m President of the Waterboarding Fan Club - DC chapter
Karl: who else is in that?
Cheney: Me, Rumsfeld, John Yoo, Addington -
Fred Hiatt is the secretary
Karl: Bush released terrorists back to the
Middle East!
Cheney: only because the wimps and weak-kneed softies and liberals back in the Bush White House made us - you see it was the strawberries--
Karl: [ backs away slowly ]
you seem a little crazy Dick
Cheney: I could prove torturing innocent people worked with geometric logic if only I had the duplicate key
[ fondles metal balls ]
Karl: you didn’t do anything against Iran
Cheney: yeah that fucking baby Bush left Iran a
big threat for Obama to deal with dammit
Karl: was it a mistake not to bomb Iran?
Cheney: you’re goddamm fucking right it was a mistake - we took out Saddam but it wasn’t enough
Karl: Palin says Obama should declare war on Iran so he can look tough to raise his popularity
Cheney: she’s a fucking idiot
Karl: What about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?
Cheney: it was essential in 2009 but now it’s
a bad idea
Karl: you have a reunion coming up - “Utter Failures” Class of 2008
Cheney: I’m looking forward to seeing the old gang of incompetents, liars, cheats, and sociopaths
Karl: you’re writing a book - what’s it’s called?
Cheney: I can’t tell you but I’ll give you a hint
- it’s
written in blood
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Meet The Press - February 7, 2010
Guests:
John Brennan
Ed Gillespie
Dee Myers
**********************
Gregory: how does Obama define winning
the war against an abstract method of killing
Brennan: cracking foreign skulls
Gregory: OMG all those intelligence guys say
we’re going to be attacked!!!!
Brennan: al qaeda is currently recruiting more teenagers and exploring new methods of planting explosives in underpants
Gregory: they are so fiendishly cunning
Brennan: true but we working on developing new technologies on thwarting attacks with Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, Jockey and Victoria’s Secret
Gregory: will terrorists target the SuperBowl??
Brennan: now that Brett Favre is not in it what’s
the point?
Gregory: true
Brennan: we are working with panty sniffers
across the world
Gregory: will they target my shopping mall?
Brennan: if they are smart they will
Gregory: President Brown says we should torture the guy with the funny name
Brennan: I heard you were a moron Fluffy
Gregory: why was he treated as an American citizen
Brennan: he wasn’t you dancing fool
Gregory: but he’s so scary!
Brennan: we did what Bush did for every terrorist
Gregory: but Republicans are tough and you
are a non-torturing wimp
Brennan: you know I’m tired of ignorant liars like Brown
Gregory: that reminds me - by defending yourselves from Republicans lies you endangered national security!!
Brennan: [ palmface ]
jesus christ
Gregory: but you didn’t share information about
how you intended to torture this kid
Brennan: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: did the GOP sign-off on the decision not squeeze his balls?
Brennan: who knows what the fuck GOP Congressmen think about anything - they’re all fucking liars and idiots
Gregory: so if he is talking what are you learning about al qaeda?
Brennan: it turns out al qaeda wants to launch attacks on the West
Gregory: oh my
Gregory: where will KSM be tried?
Brennan: I don’t know but we’re actually bring
him to justice unlike Bush
Gregory: will he be executed?
Brennan: I’m not going to let al qaeda or the GOP rob us of our shining system of justice!
Gregory: but Holder promised to succeed - that’s not justice
Brennan: you’re a true idiot
Gregory: is China going to take away my
Twitter feed?
Brennan: indeed we have information they may target Facebook
Gregory: oh my well good luck to you sir
[ break ]
Gregory: is the economy finally turning around?
Paulson: yes but only if the government doesn’t regulate Wall Street
Greenspan: what we need is to do is cut taxes
Gregory: that is so wise - why should a business start hiring with all these heavy taxes!?
Paulson: shockingly I agree - I also think we should cut taxes
Gregory: wow you must both be right
Paulson: just as soon as CEOs have more money they will hire people to polish their yachts
Gregory: when is the recession over?
Greenspan: the recession is over
Gregory: how can you tell?
Greenspan: Matlock said so!
Gregory: but the stock market is down since January and it’s February!
Greenspan: Wheel of Fortune!
Paulson: don’t worry Fluffy we’ll all get rich soon enough
Gregory: Hank please bash Barack Obama for me
Paulson: I won’t - thank god Obama and Tim continued Bush’s great policies
Gregory: so did you vote for Obama?
Paulson: I won’t answer that - but let’s just say I didn’t vote for the guy who watched Matlock
every night
Greenspan: Matlock!!!
Gregory: Dr. Greenspan tell me the truth - are
you actually a Ferengi?
Greenspan: I live by the Seven Rules of Acquisition!
Gregory: people are underwater in their mortgages
Paulson: yes people’s inability to pay is a problem
Gregory: no in New Orleans they are actually under water
Paulson: no one predicted that housing prices don’t always rise for no reason
Gregory: I see
Paulson: and when that isn’t true people stop giving a shit
Greenspan: the best approach is to trade home value for credits on Deep Space Nine
Gregory: OMG the deficit!!!!
Paulson: this is an incredibly serious issue I just realized when a Democrat became President
Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the US temporary control of the area
Gregory: of course
Paulson: I have learned that it is very difficult to get Congress to cut Social Security and Medicare when people like it
Gregory: Alan how can we save America??
Greenspan: once we’ve hocked everything to the Chinese to fight all our wars we will have to sell them North Dakota
Gregory: OMG Obama is going to raise taxes on
the rich!!!
Paulson: sure it’s bad but what we really need to do is raise taxes on the poor
Greenspan: it is so sad that we have gotten to a point in this country where we cannot discuss eliminating the most successful social program in the history of this nation
Gregory: Hank are bonuses on Wall Street too high?
Paulson: sure I can see how people might think that but the real point is to put off any real reform while they pocket another trillion or so
Gregory: oh how droll you are sires
Paulson: you mean sirs
Gregory: um yeah
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG I just love Sarah Palin!!
Gilllespie: she rocks Fluffer
Gregory: does she rule the GOP?
Myers: she went out of her way to say crazy people hate the GOP as well as Democrats
Gillespie: they’re not Democrats or Republicans they’re anti-spending lunatics
Gregory: what is their plan for the debt besides waving pictures of Obama as witch doctor?
Myers: Bill Clinton created a surplus
Gillespie: no no no we had 9/11 and a recession and other fuck ups so the debt wasn’t Bush’s fault
Gregory: Ed please bash Bush then I will talk and Dee Dee will not get to speak at all
Gillespie: that sounds good to me
Myers: [ silence ]
Gregory: Bayh says why should anyone trust
the Democratic party??!!?
Myers: right it’s so sad the Dems can’t govern
Gregory: Ed is the Democratic majority in jeopardy??
Myers: I will take Bullshit Spin for $1,000 David
Gregory: but people hate the GOP as well
Gillespie: that’s true but we will lie our asses off in the meantime which often leads to GOP gains at election time
Gregory: good luck with that Ed
************************************
John Brennan
Ed Gillespie
Dee Myers
**********************
Gregory: how does Obama define winning
the war against an abstract method of killing
Brennan: cracking foreign skulls
Gregory: OMG all those intelligence guys say
we’re going to be attacked!!!!
Brennan: al qaeda is currently recruiting more teenagers and exploring new methods of planting explosives in underpants
Gregory: they are so fiendishly cunning
Brennan: true but we working on developing new technologies on thwarting attacks with Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, Jockey and Victoria’s Secret
Gregory: will terrorists target the SuperBowl??
Brennan: now that Brett Favre is not in it what’s
the point?
Gregory: true
Brennan: we are working with panty sniffers
across the world
Gregory: will they target my shopping mall?
Brennan: if they are smart they will
Gregory: President Brown says we should torture the guy with the funny name
Brennan: I heard you were a moron Fluffy
Gregory: why was he treated as an American citizen
Brennan: he wasn’t you dancing fool
Gregory: but he’s so scary!
Brennan: we did what Bush did for every terrorist
Gregory: but Republicans are tough and you
are a non-torturing wimp
Brennan: you know I’m tired of ignorant liars like Brown
Gregory: that reminds me - by defending yourselves from Republicans lies you endangered national security!!
Brennan: [ palmface ]
jesus christ
Gregory: but you didn’t share information about
how you intended to torture this kid
Brennan: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: did the GOP sign-off on the decision not squeeze his balls?
Brennan: who knows what the fuck GOP Congressmen think about anything - they’re all fucking liars and idiots
Gregory: so if he is talking what are you learning about al qaeda?
Brennan: it turns out al qaeda wants to launch attacks on the West
Gregory: oh my
Gregory: where will KSM be tried?
Brennan: I don’t know but we’re actually bring
him to justice unlike Bush
Gregory: will he be executed?
Brennan: I’m not going to let al qaeda or the GOP rob us of our shining system of justice!
Gregory: but Holder promised to succeed - that’s not justice
Brennan: you’re a true idiot
Gregory: is China going to take away my
Twitter feed?
Brennan: indeed we have information they may target Facebook
Gregory: oh my well good luck to you sir
[ break ]
Gregory: is the economy finally turning around?
Paulson: yes but only if the government doesn’t regulate Wall Street
Greenspan: what we need is to do is cut taxes
Gregory: that is so wise - why should a business start hiring with all these heavy taxes!?
Paulson: shockingly I agree - I also think we should cut taxes
Gregory: wow you must both be right
Paulson: just as soon as CEOs have more money they will hire people to polish their yachts
Gregory: when is the recession over?
Greenspan: the recession is over
Gregory: how can you tell?
Greenspan: Matlock said so!
Gregory: but the stock market is down since January and it’s February!
Greenspan: Wheel of Fortune!
Paulson: don’t worry Fluffy we’ll all get rich soon enough
Gregory: Hank please bash Barack Obama for me
Paulson: I won’t - thank god Obama and Tim continued Bush’s great policies
Gregory: so did you vote for Obama?
Paulson: I won’t answer that - but let’s just say I didn’t vote for the guy who watched Matlock
every night
Greenspan: Matlock!!!
Gregory: Dr. Greenspan tell me the truth - are
you actually a Ferengi?
Greenspan: I live by the Seven Rules of Acquisition!
Gregory: people are underwater in their mortgages
Paulson: yes people’s inability to pay is a problem
Gregory: no in New Orleans they are actually under water
Paulson: no one predicted that housing prices don’t always rise for no reason
Gregory: I see
Paulson: and when that isn’t true people stop giving a shit
Greenspan: the best approach is to trade home value for credits on Deep Space Nine
Gregory: OMG the deficit!!!!
Paulson: this is an incredibly serious issue I just realized when a Democrat became President
Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the US temporary control of the area
Gregory: of course
Paulson: I have learned that it is very difficult to get Congress to cut Social Security and Medicare when people like it
Gregory: Alan how can we save America??
Greenspan: once we’ve hocked everything to the Chinese to fight all our wars we will have to sell them North Dakota
Gregory: OMG Obama is going to raise taxes on
the rich!!!
Paulson: sure it’s bad but what we really need to do is raise taxes on the poor
Greenspan: it is so sad that we have gotten to a point in this country where we cannot discuss eliminating the most successful social program in the history of this nation
Gregory: Hank are bonuses on Wall Street too high?
Paulson: sure I can see how people might think that but the real point is to put off any real reform while they pocket another trillion or so
Gregory: oh how droll you are sires
Paulson: you mean sirs
Gregory: um yeah
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG I just love Sarah Palin!!
Gilllespie: she rocks Fluffer
Gregory: does she rule the GOP?
Myers: she went out of her way to say crazy people hate the GOP as well as Democrats
Gillespie: they’re not Democrats or Republicans they’re anti-spending lunatics
Gregory: what is their plan for the debt besides waving pictures of Obama as witch doctor?
Myers: Bill Clinton created a surplus
Gillespie: no no no we had 9/11 and a recession and other fuck ups so the debt wasn’t Bush’s fault
Gregory: Ed please bash Bush then I will talk and Dee Dee will not get to speak at all
Gillespie: that sounds good to me
Myers: [ silence ]
Gregory: Bayh says why should anyone trust
the Democratic party??!!?
Myers: right it’s so sad the Dems can’t govern
Gregory: Ed is the Democratic majority in jeopardy??
Myers: I will take Bullshit Spin for $1,000 David
Gregory: but people hate the GOP as well
Gillespie: that’s true but we will lie our asses off in the meantime which often leads to GOP gains at election time
Gregory: good luck with that Ed
************************************
This Week with Jake Tapper - February 7, 2010
February 7, 2010
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Tim Geithner - Sec. Of the Treasury
******************
Tapper: Good morning - unemployment is still really high and even more jobs were lost in the Bush recession than we thought - which is good news
for the Republicans
Geithner: hey when we got here we were losing 750,000 jobs and now we’re also losing jobs
but not as many
Tapper: are we going to double dip?
Geithner: no - that’s like putting your whole mouth
in the bowl!!
Tapper: are you doing enough?
Geithner: we’re doing enough - but Congress is not
Tapper: oh well that’s ok then
Tapper: President Brown says the stimulus
didn’t create any jobs
Geithner: hey I just read a cool article in Cosmo -
"10 Ways to Stimulate Your Man’s Economy"
Tapper: tell me about your failures
Geithner: we’ve made dramatic progress from a shitty economy to a sucky one
Tapper: but isn’t the real problem is that Americans don’t make anything useful and don’t have any money
Geithner: I have $10 in my pocket
Tapper: Mad Eye Moody says the debt is too high
Geithner: hey I’m a real financial wizard
Tapper: are triple AAA bonds the best investment
in America?
Geithner: I don’t trust the auto club
Tapper: you’re not serious about cutting the debt
are you?
Geither: for god’s sake Obama promised a fake spending freeze
Tapper: oh pshaw anyone can do that
Geithner: deficits matter and we have to raise
taxes and cut spending
Tapper: sure-fire election winner genius
Geithner: I iz smart
Tapper: You and I know we have to cut Medicare and Medicaid
Geithner: I am giving you a serious look
Tapper: I also giving you my serious look
Geithner: I also - look at my serious face
Tapper: speaking of right wing talking points -
will you promise to never raise taxes?
Geithner: I iz deeply serious
Tapper: People hate government - is this mostly your fault?
Geithner: no
Tapper: but you have so many fuck-ups
Geithner: but I have serious face
Tapper: that’s true but so do I
Tapper: Obama’s HAMP program sucks
Geithner: true but I supported it when I thought it was a universal HEMP program
Tapper: you toke dude?
Geithner: dude I get baked every night
Tapper: that explains a lot actually
Tapper: you don’t even want to regulate banks -
why not?
Geithner: dude I don’t intend on working in government forever
Tapper: and they won’t be able to compete with other global criminals!
Geithner: Jake you are wise
Tapper: you have suffered so much it’s like a banking ‘Hurt Locker’
Geithner: the economy came to a sudden stop -
it was like driving a Pinto made by Toyota
Tapper: but personally Timmy it must have driven you crazy
Geithner: indeed it I did Jakester
Tapper: Timmy - call me
***********************
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Tim Geithner - Sec. Of the Treasury
******************
Tapper: Good morning - unemployment is still really high and even more jobs were lost in the Bush recession than we thought - which is good news
for the Republicans
Geithner: hey when we got here we were losing 750,000 jobs and now we’re also losing jobs
but not as many
Tapper: are we going to double dip?
Geithner: no - that’s like putting your whole mouth
in the bowl!!
Tapper: are you doing enough?
Geithner: we’re doing enough - but Congress is not
Tapper: oh well that’s ok then
Tapper: President Brown says the stimulus
didn’t create any jobs
Geithner: hey I just read a cool article in Cosmo -
"10 Ways to Stimulate Your Man’s Economy"
Tapper: tell me about your failures
Geithner: we’ve made dramatic progress from a shitty economy to a sucky one
Tapper: but isn’t the real problem is that Americans don’t make anything useful and don’t have any money
Geithner: I have $10 in my pocket
Tapper: Mad Eye Moody says the debt is too high
Geithner: hey I’m a real financial wizard
Tapper: are triple AAA bonds the best investment
in America?
Geithner: I don’t trust the auto club
Tapper: you’re not serious about cutting the debt
are you?
Geither: for god’s sake Obama promised a fake spending freeze
Tapper: oh pshaw anyone can do that
Geithner: deficits matter and we have to raise
taxes and cut spending
Tapper: sure-fire election winner genius
Geithner: I iz smart
Tapper: You and I know we have to cut Medicare and Medicaid
Geithner: I am giving you a serious look
Tapper: I also giving you my serious look
Geithner: I also - look at my serious face
Tapper: speaking of right wing talking points -
will you promise to never raise taxes?
Geithner: I iz deeply serious
Tapper: People hate government - is this mostly your fault?
Geithner: no
Tapper: but you have so many fuck-ups
Geithner: but I have serious face
Tapper: that’s true but so do I
Tapper: Obama’s HAMP program sucks
Geithner: true but I supported it when I thought it was a universal HEMP program
Tapper: you toke dude?
Geithner: dude I get baked every night
Tapper: that explains a lot actually
Tapper: you don’t even want to regulate banks -
why not?
Geithner: dude I don’t intend on working in government forever
Tapper: and they won’t be able to compete with other global criminals!
Geithner: Jake you are wise
Tapper: you have suffered so much it’s like a banking ‘Hurt Locker’
Geithner: the economy came to a sudden stop -
it was like driving a Pinto made by Toyota
Tapper: but personally Timmy it must have driven you crazy
Geithner: indeed it I did Jakester
Tapper: Timmy - call me
***********************
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