Meet The Press - Halloween Episode - October 31, 2009

Meet The Press
October 31, 2009
Guests:
Sen. John McCain
Count Dracula
Frankenstein
The Mummy
The Wolfman
Zombie
********************************

Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of
Meet The Press - thank you all for coming

McCain: thank you David

Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry

Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here

Wolfman: Good morning everyone

Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave

Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph

Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you -
the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000
page health reform bill with a public option
- do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?

McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-

Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!

[ zombie lunges at McCain ]

Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John
McCain’s brain

McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh

Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom

Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around
the studio aimlessly

Frankenstein: so nothing new then

Wolfman: ha good one Frank

Frankenstein: thanks Wolf

Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on

McCain: moooooaaaannn

Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this
health reform bill

Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees
a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out
of business

Gregory: to be fair you are Transylvanian and immortal

Dracula: Nevertheless Daaavid Grrregory ze American people don’t vant a puuuublic option
- zey vant lower taxes and tort reforrrm

Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have
sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!

Gregory: sorry to hear that

Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph

Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?

Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me

Gregory: oh really sorry

Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank

McCain: [ wanders across stage ]
braaaaaainnnnsss!!

Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?

Gregory: but the deficit!!!

Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this

Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller

Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock

Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true

Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly -
will it cover fresh brains???

Gregory: all good questions

McCain: [cuts in front of camera ]
aaaaarrrhhh braaaains

Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm
of controversy

Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!

Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]

McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee

Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator

Frankenstein: that’s a shame

Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on

[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]

Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if
we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?

Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you
were a moron

Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!

Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity

Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation

Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous -
but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around

Gregory: good point

McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!

Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is
a werewolf

Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry

Gregory: thanks very much Count

Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad

Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!

Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans

Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing
crazy person

Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry

Gregory: Hoffman is a vampire, isn’t he?

Dracula: [ smiles slyly ] maybe

Gregory: Oooh tell me who else is???

Dracula: just between us - Karl Rove, Pat and Bay Buchanan, Mary Matalin and-

Gregory: and James Carville?

Dracula: oh no - I think he eees some kind
of underground trolll

Gregory: ah

Dracula: how vould like to be immorrrrtal, dahveed?
[strokes Gregory's hair]

Gregory: gee I don’t know

Dracula: don’t reeesiiist me dahveed

[ lunges over, bites Gregory on the neck ]

Gregory: oh my

Dracula: you are now a vampire - a member of the glorious family of the soulless undead, sucking the blood of the living for eternity

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ]
and we’ll be back next Sunday for another edition of Meet The Press where my guest will be zombie werewolf John McCain
**************

Meet The Press - October 25, 2009

Meet The Press
October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Cornyn
Sen. Schumer
Aaron Sorkin
Erin Burnett
Joe Scarborogh
Jane Mayer
Tavis Smiley
Dan Senor
********************
Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?

Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so

Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes

Gregory: have we won in Iraq?

Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers

Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!

Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave

Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!

Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic

Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions
of dollars

Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid
in gold wastebaskets

Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government
to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??

Schumer: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Public option - yes or no?

Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field

Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?

Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster

Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?

Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!

Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?

Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!

Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled

Cornyn: well then let’s get rid of Social Security

Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is dithering on fixing the problems of Cheney administration

Schumer: ha - fuck that stupid fuck

Cornyn: President McChrystal says Gen. Obama should give him more troops!

Gregory: Did Cheney provide enough troops?

Cornyn: Clearly not - but the issue is not troops
but a bad strategy

Schumer: Bush’s bad strategy!

Cornyn: well technically

Gregory: Senator you’re a Republican - is Obama in trouble?

Cornyn: indeed - the election they haven’t lost in Virginia is a cautionary tale for liberals

Schumer: yeah stick with that you stupid fuck

[break]

Gregory: Is Obama killing Wall Street by limiting them to a salary $500,000??

Burnett: No they’ll just get paid in stock options

Gregory: oh thank god

Sorkin: they’re all going to quit and work for Goldman Sachs - it’s so, so sad

Gregory: why would Goldman pay them that much?

Sorkin: they all belong to same country club

Gregory: we have to encourage risk - that’s
how money is made in the world!

Sorkin: right

Gregory: [ high pitched squeaky voice ]

Sure it’s easy to bash AIG but we want them to be healthier and so we have to pay their failed executives millions!!

[ laughs ]

Burnett: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: but the debt!!

Burnett: sorry but we need to spend this money

Gregory: [ sobs ]

Gregory: OMG Obama is trying to undermine conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, insurance executives and Fox News!!

Scarborough: the mainstream media does whatever Fox wants and that hasn’t changed

Gregory: has Obama changed the tone in Washington?

Smiley: as the liberal here I agree Obama is uncivil, unaccountable, and this is all a distraction

Gregory: thank you liberal Tavis Smiley

Mayer: hey Fluffers all Presidents do this - you’re just holding Obama to a higher standard

Scarborough: of course - because everyone knows that Republicans are evil

Mayer: so he’s not Gandhi

Scarborough: he promised to be Gandhi

Gregory: where's the saintly Obama were promised?

Scarborough: of course Nixon was evil he was a Republican

Senor: Rush Limbaugh is thrilled!

Smiley: this is all a distraction dammit!!

Scarborough: all America wakes up every morning listening to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh!

Gregory: where is the public option?

Scarborough: Liberals are angry at Obama for pushing a trigger

Gregory: how do you know?

Scarborough: Arianna Huffington says so

Gregory: so why don’t I just invite her on?

Scarborough: I’m so charming

Gregory: Is a Obama wishy-washy failure?

Smiley: He’s gotta lead!

Mayer: the Constitution requires 60 voters to enact legislation!

Senor: Republicans in Congress wanted to work with the President but he betrayed them with his partisan hatred

Gregory: Cheney says Obama is dithering
and killing troops

Senor: Obama is too obsessed with Cheney just because the former vice president accuses him of playing golf and letting US soldiers die

Gregory: fascinating

Senor: I don’t want to say Obama is dithering but there are all these questions out there about whether Obama loves America or wants to see men and women in uniform die

Gregory: Jane you say we’re using drones to
bomb people

Mayer: It’s the new American way to fight - killing innocent people using robots from above

Smiley: this is nonsense!

Scarborough: This proves that targeted assassinations are the way to go

Senor: we need thousands of marines!

Mayer: whoa dudes put your goddamm dicks away

Gregory: is there a fight in the Republican party?

Scarborough: yes!

Mayer: sounds bad for the GOP

Scarborough: no this is good news Republicans
- it always is

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 25, 2009

October 25, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
**************
Stephanopoulos: Mitch can Harry Reid finally kill a GOP filibuster of health care reform?

McConnell: yes his plan to kill grandchildren is working

Stephanopoulos: private insurers are killing small businesses so why not have a public option?

McConnell: [laughing] hell no the government should not be in the health insurance business

Stephanopoulos: so you want to rid of Medicare?

McConnell: [chuckling] look the American people don’t want this bill

Stephanopoulos: but the polls say that everyone in America hates you

McConnell: sure people are disaffected but we’ll see how the American people feel when some rednecks vote in Virginia

Stephanopoulos: so you really believe everything is going fine in the Republican party?

McConnell: absolutely - all the nervousness is on the Democratic side

Stephanopoulos: wow

Stephanopoulos: Claire can we fix health care or do should do what the GOP wants

McCaskill: these so-called deficit hawks should be the first to want to reform the health care system

Stephanopoulos: will people be forced to buy insurance at an insurance exchange or gun show?

McCaskill: no only Congress and the Irish will have to

Stephanopoulos: what exactly is the public option?

McCaskill: oh we’ll have only kinds of votes - opt-in, opt-out, triggers, mandatory gay abortions, human-animal hybrid baby Einsteins…

Stephanopoulos: President Snowe will only accept a public option which doesn’t exist

McCaskill: We’re very very concerned about giving President Snowe whatever she wants

Stephanopoulos: so how do you get GOP votes?

McCaskill: we need to get votes from moderates like Snowe and right-wing nuts like Evan Bayh

Stephanopoulos: ok

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: George will there be a public option?

Will: the media are cleverly trying to trick American into thinking if 60 Senators vote for something that means it will pass

Podesta: the health care costs are hurting small businesses!

Hunt: Snowe is from Maine which means she is honest

Stephanopoulos: oh

Hunt: she hates the public option and no bill without her can pass because the Democrats can’t play games and just pass a vote with 60 Democrats - that’s a terrible idea

Stephanopoulos: of course

Ingraham: the America people suddenly remembered after 30 years of GOP spending that they are worried about the debt and also the Democrats will kill their grandchildren

Tucker: Maybe Snowe can allow the public option get an up or down vote and then she can vote against it if she wants

Will: all bills should be on the Internet

Hunt: we should give liberals the trigger option to shut them up

Stephanopoulos: Should we cut executive pay to a salary of a mere $500,000

Podesta: well why not?

Will: they should get paid as low-level civil servants nothing more

Ingraham: The GOP philosophy is that people on welfare should make millions of dollars

Hunt: some say that people who destroyed America shouldn’t get rich off that - but those are just childish pitchfork populists

Tucker: the Bailout Boys had their entire industry bailed out and frankly they shouldn’t even make $500,000 for god’s sake!

Stephanopoulos: Controversy!
*************

Meet the Press - October 18, 2009

October 18, 2009
Guests:
White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett
Sen. Chris Dodd
Sen. John Kyl
Maria Shriver
John Podesta
*****************
Gregory: OMG the economy has not done well since January of 2009!!

Jarrett: that’s right - which goes to show how bad a President George Bush was

Gregory: [high pitched voice] so what is he going to do about it??

Jarrett: step one is stave off disaster, step two is move the economy from ‘craptacular’ to ‘mediocre’

Gregory: second stimulus?

Jarrett: he plans to create 40,000 more jobs next month

Gregory: how is that?

Jarrett: Invade Uzbekistan

Gregory: Obama says he’s going take on the nice insurance industry but they’re his partners - it’s so sad!

Jarrett: the message is - don’t make Obama mad!!

Gregory: but Politico says unions are really mad that Obama is going to raise taxes on the middle class

Jarrett: hey Fluffy is this was easy someone else would have done it already - but don’t stop Obama - he’s one TNT motherfucker!!

Gregory: Will he push for a public option?

Jarrett: he likes it

Gregory: but will he demand it?

Jarrett: he will ask nicely for it

Gregory: what happened to ‘yes we can’?

Jarrett: it’s now “affirmative we will try, fuckers”

Gregory: how can American get the pig flu as fast as possible

Rice: we have a whole website devoted helping get the flu

Gregory: what’s your answer

Jarrett: wash your hands, stop sneezing, and skip the ER visit - just go to Flu.gov

[ break ]

Gregory: should we have a public option?

Dodd: you’re damm right we should

Gregory: so how can it happen if Obama doesn’t push for it

Dodd: we’ll roll it out and test drive it and then argue for it

Gregory: it sounds like you’re planning for a big defeat

Dodd: I’m confident that we might be able to get someone to vote for it

Gregory: Republican Senator I’d like ask you a tough question - why is the Republican party so darn popular?

Kyl: I’m glad you asked me that tough question - it’s because we’re so wonderful

Gregory: what’s your health care plan?

Kyl: let the free market take care of sick, dying, penniless people!

Greg: how would that work?

Kyl: they could sell their organs in a reverse mortgage - dammit do I have to think of everything??

Greg: do you support a trigger option?

Kyl: hell no!

Dodd: hell no!

Gregory: finally some bipartisanship!

Gregory: hey Kyl - why doesn’t Afghanistan have to be deficit neutral?

Kyl: 9/11

Gregory: so what about people dying for lack of health insurance?

Kyl: free market

Gregory: that’s all you’ve got?

Kyl: grrrrrr

Dodd: people are dying in his state every day!

Kyl: well most of them were old anyway

Gregory: Wall Street bonuses?

Dodd: it’s an outrage!

Kyl: now we have to be very careful because we want to express our outrage and bash Obama but also not in any way limit massive unnecessary wasteful welfare bonuses for capitalist overlords

Gregory: okay then

Gregory: wow - there are girls in the workforce!

Shriver: Half of workers are women - we have to adapt to this crazy change

Jarrett: First thank you Fluffy for spotlighting this

Gregory: thanks Val

Jarrett: we need families to thrive to meet this challenge of women who work

Gregory: this is all about me, and you of course

Podesta: that’s right - the battle of the sexes is over and Billie Jean King won

Gregory: married couples are negotiating the rules of their relationship

Podesta: wow those Geico cavemen must be so confused

Shriver: It’s smart for business to support the American worker

Audience: good luck with that

Gregory: People expect women to take care of the kids, make dinner and hold down a job

Jarrett: Look at Michelle Obama - top lawyer, mother, and helped Barack become President

Gregory: what about the male ego?

Shriver: I live with Arnold so I know what you’re talking about

Gregory: I have no ego

Shriver: well that makes sense - I’ve seen your show

Podesta: 80% of men said they were happy to have women make more money and also take care of the kids and elderly parents

Gregory: fascinating

Gregory: this paper says men should be flexible because women change their minds all the time

Jarrett: that’s right - you gotta go with the flow

Shriver: the recession has hit male jobs first

Gregory: so what’s the answer?

Shriver: telecommuting

Gregory: I just had a conversation with a female executive asking her if I could phone Meet the Press in

Shriver: what did she say?

Gregory: she thought I already was

Gregory: why does school have to get out at 3:00, it’s very inconvenient

Gregory: Republicans say it’s bad that women are working

Shriver: well we need women working but also be there when their kids come home too

Gregory: when do we get a woman President?

Podesta: well Nancy Pelosi is Speaker so we will someday

Gregory: but even Hillary Clinton couldn’t do it!

Shriver: well maybe women just don’t want to put themselves through all that just to prove how awesome they are

Gregrory: [ fluffs hair ] maybe Maria

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 18, 2009

October 18, 2009
Guest:
White House Advisor David Axelrod
**************
Stephanopoulos: Axel Is it time for Obama to get tough and stick a sharpened screwdriver into John Boehner?

Axelrod: Obama is plenty tough but he’s also thoughtful

Stephanopoulos: When is he going to twist some arms and make Max Baucus cry?

Axelrod: we’ve already accomplished more than you ever did Stephy

Stephanopoulos: Is it true Obama might take away the insurance anti-trust exemption??

Axelrod: ha ha - now what were you just saying about getting tough?

Stephanopoulos: so will you take it away?

Axelrod: We’ll see what Congress does

Stephanopoulos: so will Obama sign it?

Axelrod: Let’s just this conversation didn’t just happen

Stephanopoulos: Are you paying too much attention to President Snowe?

Axelrod: I know people say that but she is our Magic Conservative

Stephanopoulos: who wins this contest - the majority of Americans or Olympia?

Axelrod: we’ll split the difference and give her whatever she wants

Stephanopoulos: Will you pay for this with a tax on Cadillacs?

Axelrod: these high-end health plans cover necessary things like erection pills but unnecessary things like abortion

Stephanopoulos: I see

Stephanopoulos: Republicans says Obama will increase the deficit

Axelrod: yeah well they also say he is a British Indonesian from Nairobi

Stephanopoulos: aha [ scribbles note ]

Axelrod: don’t worry we’ll pay for health care even if we have to take the drastic step of giving a speech saying we will

Stephanopoulos: New economic stimulus - yes or no?

Axelrod: Sure we have to do something - Bush left us a really really crappy economy

Stephanopoulos: Good god man - Goldman Sachs is paying out record bonuses and we gave them billions in free money!

Axelrod: what’s really sad is that they are not lending out the free money we gave them

Stephanopoulos: well what is President Obama going to do about it?

Axelrod: there’s nothing we can do except moral suasion

Stephanopoulos: Whining? That’s all??

Axelrod: we can’t micromanage their pay to employees

Stephanopoulos: It’s taxpayer money?!

Axelrod: [ wrings hands ]

Stephanopoulos: Are you at war with Fox News?

Axelrod: Fox what?

Stephanopoulos: that Fox station

Axelrod: they’re not a news station they’re a propaganda outfit and we’re not going treat them like a legitimate news station

Stephanopoulos: whoa

Axelrod: and real news stations like you should be glad because you’re real and they’re a bunch of paid liars

Stephanopoulos: aww you flatter me

Axelrod: you’re such a nice boy too

Stephanopoulos: Rupert Murdoch says you helped their ratings

Axelrod: I don’t care about their rantings

Stephanopoulos: I said ratings

Axelrod: those too
**********

Meet the Press - October 11, 2009

October 11, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Levin
Sen. Graham
Ret. Gen. Myers
Ret. Gen. McCaffrey
************************
Gregory: Carl shouldn’t we all just do what
President McChrystal wants?

Levin: no because Obama is the President and Gates is the Secretary of Defense and the global strategy is more important the counterinsurgency
in any one country

Gregory: should we send more troops?

Levin: we should send them more equipment like guns and mimeograph machines

Graham: What do you think Lindy?

Graham: I love the General and we should send
40,000 more troops

Gregory: but there are only 100 al qaeda in all
of Afghanistan

Myers: it’s simple - we have to combat all violent extremism and religious fanaticism all over the world

Gregory: Christ you’re going to have take on half
the Republican party

Myers: also we have to invade Uzbekistan

Gregory: yikes

McCaffrey: we have to withdraw from Afghanistan and the best way to do that is a massive buildup
of troops

Myers: we could persuade the rest of the world
to take over

Gregory: Awesome idea

Levin: Hell let the Afghans take over

Graham: we could send one million troops and
it will still fail with a bad local government

Gregory: so why the fuck do you want to send 40,000 more troops?

Graham: so we can reopen Afghan soccer stadiums

Gregory: Is Obama weak?

Graham: if he only puts us halfway in - that will
be weak

Gregory: Like George Bush did?

Graham: the Iranians are watching us for signs of weakness - they are terrified we won’t get into a quagmire there

Gregory: General what went wrong in Afghanistan?

Myers: we emphasized military action and not
social and economic development

Gregory: so in other words too much Republican policies?

Myers: we took our eye off the ball and let the Taliban take over

Gregory: it sounds like you totally fucked up

Myers: well we didn’t think so at the time
- we thought we were gods among men
creating our own reality

Gregory: what made you think that?

Myers: Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and
got him to apologize

McCaffrey: Let’s face it - Bush handed Obama one completely fucked-up situation

Levin: we have to win over the Afghan people by not murdering so many of their children

Gregory: interesting

Graham: somehow we all got focused on Iraq

Gregory: Cause Bush was obsessed with it!

Graham: Unfortunately it turns out Bush is kind
of dumb and at least Obama is a smart guy

Gregory: we’ve been there for eight fucking years

Graham: it’s a multi-generational struggle

Gregory: that’s disturbing

Graham: in the next three years we may have a trustworthy Afghan government

Myers: also we have to fix the Afghan economy

Gregory: we can’t even fix the Detroit economy!

McCaffrey: I think in 10 years we can create sparkling Afghan universities

Gregory: should we end ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’?

Levin: of course we should

Myers: what’s wrong with suppressing your sexuality - I like to wear a pink thong in combat
but you don’t hear me talking about it

Graham: you don’t make policy based on promises made in a campaign

Gregory: did Obama deserve the Nobel prize?

Graham: if Obama kills enough people I will visit him in the Lincoln bedroom one night and show him
how grateful I am

Gregory: ok I think we’ve gone into a weird area

[ break]

Gregory: Should Obama invade Afghanistan?

Woodward: Obama is on a listening tour and then he has to decide what the fuck we are doing in that remote desert nation

Gregory: but at least he’s thinking about it

Woodward: right - Bush never listened - just played with his gameboy while Cheney used the Force
to choke his underlings

Gregory: Let me quote Charles Krauthammer

Gigot: Chuck is right - Obama could do the right thing or listen to the hippies who think they’re so smart just because they are right about everything

Brownstein: yeah but we were going to crush al qaeda and we’ve done it

Gregory: what the hell are we doing there?

Kay: so what if the Taliban took over some of the remote mountainous regions of that county - does that mean they would invade Pakistan??

Gregory: where were all these nation-building Republicans in the last 8 years??

Woodward: now that Obama is President they can admit everything there is completely fucked-up

Brownstein: most Americans think Afghanistan is a necessary war they just don’t care and want us
to leave

Gregory: Let me quote Ruth Marcus saying Obama getting a Nobel is ridiculous

Gigot: the Republicans will ride this to victory
in 2010!!

Woodward: let’s face it - this was an unfair reward based on their hatred for George Bush

Gregory: Let me quote Peggy Noonan

Kay: I heard you were a hack and a moron

Brownstein: the Nobel committee doesn’t know
how to give out their own awards!

Gregory: right - they should have ceremonies where they dance with Karl Rove!

Brownstein: Obama needs to be sensitive to criticism that he is too popular

Kay: you’re all idiots

Woodward: Obama should take his shiny new
Nobel prize and use it to force Germany to take over Afghanistan

Gigot: I disagree Americans have to kick everyone out and take over this crazy-ass central Asian county

Gregory: what about the American economy?

Brownstein: we’re all in a bad national mood

Woodward: any breach between Obama and the military will prevent second stimulus

Gregory: makes sense

Gigot: failure of the health care bill is hurting business and preventing job creation

Gregory: so no jobs until health care is passed?

Gigot: right - so the GOP should filibuster it

Gregory: so this is all good news for the Republicans

Kay: if the economy recovers by the summer
of 2010 the Democrats may do very well

Gregory: oh no!
[ starts sobbing ]

Kay: Calm down Fluffy
*********************

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 11, 2009

Guests:
Sen. Feinstein
Sen. Chambliss
Rep. McGovern
Ret. Gen. Keane
**************
Stephanopoulos: Diane what’s going on
in Afghanistan?

Feinstein: Violence is up 100% and the Taliban controls half the country

Stephanopoulos: sounds terrific

Feinstein: the whole mission is in jeopardy

Stephanopoulos: I’ll take "Hopeless Quagmires"
for $1,000, Alex

Feinstein: we should stop killing civilians from above

Stephanopoulos: that’s just crazy enough to work

Chambliss: the government is hopelessly corrupt and no one wants us there - so we should greatly increase our military presence

Keane: eventually the Afghan military should
take over

Stephanopoulos: good idea - when can we do that?

Keane: 2013

Stephanopoulos: why so long?

Keane: we’re pregnant with a colony and we have
to give birth or have an abortion

McGovern: I’m told there are only 100 members
of al qaeda in Afghanistan - for this we need 100,000 new troops??

Feinstein: that depends on what the meaning of
al qaeda is

Stephanopoulos: so why stay?

Feinstein: women are begging in the streets and being beaten and we need to stabilize this country

Stephanopoulos: we’ll get to domestic policy
in a minute

Feinstein: we must respect McChrystal - after all he came from a Crackerjack box

Chambliss: If Afghanistan falls then Pakistan will
be invaded or encroached upon bad guys

Stephanopoulos: you read a lot of comic
books do you?

Chambliss: Afghanistan will attack Pakistan!

Stephanopoulos: What will General Obama do if President McChrystal opposes him?

Keane: I don’t know but it’s a moral dilemma

Stephanopoulos: He should resign - after all the President is a young black man with no medals

McGovern: jeebus we’ve been there for 8 years and we’re propping up a corrupt unelected government

Stephanopoulos: is that right Saxby?

Chambliss: Oh absolutely - which is why we have to stay - otherwise Osama bin Laden will get access to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons

Stephanopoulos: truly it is amazing Bush didn’t
win the Nobel peace prize

Chambliss: the literacy rate there is only 20% and that doesn’t work

Stephanopoulos: we’ll discuss your home state later Senator

Feinstein: we should totally get the rest of the
world to pay for the Afghan war

Stephanopoulos: good luck with that

Keane: there’s an elephant in the room in Pakistan

Stephanopoulos: that the Pakistan government has been supporting the Taliban all this time?

Keane: no it’s an actual elephant - it sits there during Cabinet meetings

Stephanopoulos: what should Obama consider when making his Afghan decision?

Chambliss: the stability of our troops and giving them what they need to stay in a far-off land in Asia

McGovern: we need to be smarter and not just maintain a useless and expensive world-wide empire

Keane: Obama has a chance to fix Bush’s fuck ups and be decisive and think about later

Feinstein: we should leave as soon as we stay and create a functioning democracy and also they must have a Disneyland

Stephanopoulos: so we have to leave a government as functional as the state of California?

Feinstein: no that would be a war crime

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming
******************

Meet the Press with UN Ambassador Susan Rice - October 4, 2009

October 4, 2009
Guests:
Susan Rice - US Ambassdor to the U.N.
***************

Gregory: OMG Iran is going build a nuclear
bomb and kill us all!!!
[ hides under his desk ]

Rice: um, david?

Gregory: [ peers out from under desk ]
yes?

Rice: don’t panic dave - we’re going to force them
to prove they are enriching uranium for the fun of it

Gregory: [ still under desk ]
but I’m so scared

Rice: we’re going to take care of it dave

Gregory: what’s your deadline?

Rice: Friday

Gregory: really?
[ smacks head on desk ] ow!

Rice: no I’m just fucking with you

Gregory: but Charles Krauthammer says you sold out Poland while Iran is going to acquire the bomb!

Rice: I heard you were a moron - but I didn’t
know you were such a hack

Gregory: but they’re so swarthy!

Rice: criminy we build a huge coalition and all you can do is bitch and whine

Gregory: will you cripple Iran?

Rice: yes if we have to

Gregory: when?? I can’t wait!!!

Rice: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: can we please make Iran another
U.S. colony?

Rice: no

Gregory: but the hostage crisis!

Rice: you’re weird

Gregory: 8 soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today

Rice: it’s not all tea and crumpets

Gregory: why doesn’t Obama just listen to Generals with all their pretty medals

Rice: Look Bush fucked up for 7 years and we’re trying to fix it

Gregory: that may be but why can’t he Grant
The Wishes of His Commanders like that Genie in Alladdin?

Rice: Obama is the damm President and he looks
at the whole global Effort and he won’t just do whatever one general somewhere wants - otherwise McChrystal would be the President

Gregory: well he is a handsome white man

Rice: um yeah

Gregory: will we stay in Afghanistan forever and ever

Rice: maybe forever

Gregory: but not ever!

Rice: hey we have to battle crazy people in southeastern Asia, Africa, the Middle East
and Alaska

Gregory: by failing to occupy Afghanistan permanently you’re surrendering to the
Lefty hippies!

Rice: stop crying

Gregory: did Obama make a mistake trying to get
the Olympics?

Rice: Obama will never apologize for America even
if it means being bashed by stupid pundits

Gregory: the U.N. is just a parade of brown people criticizing America and that gives me a sad

Rice: what a big baby you are

[ break ]

Gregory: Will Obama fulfill his pledge to stay in Afghanistan forever and ever and ever and ever

Brooks: I’m scared that Obama may not permanently occupy that remote mountainous desert nation

Maddow: they don’t want to lose Afghanistan which a good liberal war but not get trapped in a quagmire which is a bad liberal war

Murphy: Obama should never have invaded Afghanistan

Dionne: you are very silly person

Brooks: it would be a moral tragedy if we were to
let the Taliban take over their own country

Maddow: that’s stupid

Murphy: we need to put in 100,000 more troops to save the Afghanistan from itself

Dionne: yeah you and Brooks such a military experts

Gregory: OMG SNL had biting satire in a skit that said Obama hasn’t accomplished anything!!!

Maddow: you got to be fucking kidding me

Gregory: but The Left hates Obama’s failure to fix Bush’s mistakes!!

Maddow: I am critical of Obama too but that’s ridiculous

Gregory: oh no the Obama unemployment!

Brooks: Obama promised we would be at 7% unemployment by now

Maddow: that’s a lie

Brooks: we overspent for 30 years - this proves
we need to elect more Republicans

Murphy: around the kitchen table people complain about the Obama stimulus package

Dionne: that’s total bullshit

Gregory: Obama bailed out the banks!

Dionne: no that’s another lie

Brooks: In addition to being a noted liar and military expert I also haz a smart on economically money things

Murphy: Obama should have worked with Republicans and admitted he is an Indonesian
Witch Doctor from Britain

Maddow: ha ha ha

Gregory: Obama totally failed to get
the Olympics

Maddow: It was disgusting to see the right wingers cheering for America to fail

Murphy: oh now you’re suggesting the wingnuts lack patriotism

Maddow: no - I’m coming right out and saying it

Dionne: they put Obama-hatred before love
of country

Gregory: [ clutches pearls ]
but a Democrat said the GOP was for a Holocaust!

Maddow: that’s normal for the Republicans

Gregory: [ lies down on fainting couch ]
it’s so shrill
[ swoons ]

Brooks: but Limbaugh and Beck don’t even control GOP primary voters - they are loud but weak

Murphy: MSNBC is one-party liberal network

Maddow: Joe Scarborough is on 3 hours a day

Murphy: um um um

Gregory: why is all this shrillness on tv??

Dionne: because idiots like you love to talk about it

Brooks: the crazy people like Palin get all the attention but there is no evidence that she is
really that popular

Murphy: Sarah Palin is an idiot, true, but the lunatics in the GOP don’t really have all that power that they appear to have

Maddow: ok fine guys but she is the most famous Republican and she was the Vice Presidential nominee and she’s linked to a white supremacist

Murphy: oh that’s just guilt by association

Maddow: well she has an association with a white supremacist!

Murphy: harrumph

Gregory: speaking of promoting civility in political debate, I loved my lying smearing Nixon acolyte good friend William Safire - what a cuddly curmudgeon he was

This Week With George Stephanopoulos - October 4, 2009

This Week With George Stephanopoulos
October 4, 2009
Guests:
Alan Greenspan
Sen. Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Cornyn (R-Texas)
**************
Stephanopoulos: wow we’ve lost 7 million jobs - now let’s talk to the man who made it all happen

Greenspan: my deep learning tells me that this
is awful

Stephanopoulos: wow

Greenspan: the reason that is bad is that the economy suffers

Stephanopoulos: people too

Greenspan: what makes people great are a great economy with many capital assets

Stephanopoulos: what’s the solution?

Greenspan: there’s a silver lining - businesses thought the economy would be so bad that they
fired all their employees prematurely

Stephanopoulos: Premature capitulation

Greenspan: indeed

Stephanopoulos: what should Obama do?

Greenspan: fix the economy

Stephanopoulos: what else?

Greenspan: cut taxes

Stephanopoulos: what about another stimulus?

Greenspan: no because it’s already working and
it has failed

Stephanopoulos: do you have a newsletter?

Greenspan: this is what a recovery looks like

Stephanopoulos: increasing unemployment?

Greenspan: right

Stephanopoulos: should we help suffering unemployed people?

Greenspan: yes but only to prevent people from storming Wall Street with pitchforks and torches

Stephanopoulos: okay

Stephanopoulos: should we reform health care?

Greenspan: no because we’re borrowing too much money

Stephanopoulos: oh well that’s too bad

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: talk economy to me Chuckles

Schumer: we’re going to extend unemployment benefits

Cornyn: damm right lots and lots of people in Texas are unemployed!

Stephanopoulos: do we need another stimulus?

Cornyn: unemployed Americans are really really scared that Washington is just going to throw money at the problem

Schumer: you could reform health care

Cornyn: we should send every American a COBRA

Schumer: good idea but it’s a very expensive program

Cornyn: no an actual cobra - snake handling is
an accepted practice in Texas

Stephanopoulos: Senator Crapo had a crappy idea

Schumer: shocking

Cornyn: the whole point should be to lower costs - and keep Wellness Accounts like at Whole Foods

Stephanopoulos: What the hell are you talking about?

Schumer: Do Republicans understand employers can take away your coverage now?

Cornyn: no!

Schumer: yes!

Stephanopoulos: All Hail President Snowe!

Cornyn: the government will take over Medicare, increase prices, kill the elderly, and promote cannibalism

Schumer: Orrin Hatch wants to exempt people with magic underwear - how is that a plan?

Cornyn: Jim Bunning found out that the bill misplaced $11 billion by exempting Bill Gates

Schumer: Oh yes the noted reasoned intellectual Jim Bunning

Stephanopoulos: so Chucky can you pass a bill
or not?

Schumer: we’re going to pass a public option and we need it dammit

Cornyn: how many times do we have to say it - a public option would be too popular and so many people would enroll in it that they would lose their private insurance and be stuck with the public plan which they would hate

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming idiots