Meet The Press
August 30, 2009
Guests:
Maria Shriver
Sen. John Kerry
Kathleen Kennedy Townshend
Bob Shrum
Doris Goodwin
****************
Gregory: Maria did you enjoy the funeral?
Shriver: it was great to see the outpouring of affection for Uncle Teddy
Gregory: I knew he was a great legislator but I never knew he such a fun guy to be around
Shriver: yeah sorry he never invited you to Nantucket but Tim Russert ranked higher than you
Gregory: so sad for me
Shriver: Ted had been through a lot and people knew that he understood suffering and human weaknesses
Gregory: how is everyone doing?
Shriver: I’ve lost 2 relatives in 2 weeks how do you think I’m doing Fluffy?
Gregory: he was a force of nature
Shriver: we all thought he would live forever
Gregory: you lost you mother too
Shriver: yes but they lived a long and time and fought the good fight over many decades
Gregory: amazing
Shriver: They never gave up and we’ve lost sight of that in the country - they think Obama should solve all of the problems Bush created overnight
Gregory: what did Ted think of Obama
Shriver: he thought Obama would finally get a lot
of this shit done
Gregory: was this an awesome year for Teddy?
Shriver: yes except for the dying part it was pretty good
Gregory: that’s nice
Shriver: he got to see how much people loved him and that’s another lesson for all of us
Gregory: The Kennedys made it because of him
Shriver: he became the family rock and that’s pretty incredible when you think about it
Gregory: what did he think about all he accomplished
Shriver: he took the good and he took the bad and accepted them both as what he had
Gregory: those are the facts of life
Shriver: indeed
Gregory: how did his Italian heritage shape him?
Shriver: he was Irish
Gregory: whatever
Shriver: people loved him because the Kennedys didn’t want to be rich or famous
Gregory: truly admirable
Gregory: are the Kennedys finished?
Shriver: when you are a Kennedy you can
only live your life and have it end in its own
uniquely tragic way
Gregory: so is it the end of an era?
Shriver: it’s Schwarzenegger time!
Gregory: Was he the hardest working man
in Congress?
Kerry: he just like James Brown - he was sweaty
and a great dancer
Gregory: what did Ted teach you?
Kerry: he taught me that all politics is not
local but personal
Gregory: so how did he change you?
Kerry: he loosened me and taught me to have fun
Gregory: are you kidding?
Kerry: yes I used to be deadly serious and ponderous - not happy go lucky like I am now
Gregory: dear god
Kerry: speaking of fun - Ted often though he would be assassinated and suffered a massive amount of loss, the war, with the shootings, the murders, the accidental deaths, the funerals, the fatherless children….
Gregory: truly you are a barrel of laughs
Gregory: you are now the senior senator
from Massachusetts
Kerry: fucking finally!!
Gregory: what happened to bipartisanship?
Dodd: fuck that - what happened to civility?
Gregory: Ever since Bork conservatives were forced to say liberals hate America
Dodd: look we put 300 Republican amendments on the health care bill - what the fuck else do they want?
Gregory: Ban all black Presidents?
Dodd: Teddy went through so much goddam tragedy and his strength was a lesson for all people, not just politicians - for example I have to work with James Inhofe every day and yet I still get up in the morning
Gregory: who should succeed him?
Kerry: we need a 60th vote right now to enact health reform or risk betraying Teddy’s legacy
Gregory: that seems so shrill
Kerry: this was the people’s senator
Gregory: and what are you
Kerry: hey ketchup heirs need representation too
MTP: so were you nervous when you first appeared
on the Meet The Press
Ted Kennedy: hell yes - Jack quizzed me and
I freaked out
Gregory: you were the longest serving guest in history
Kennedy: damm right Greggers
MTP: Iraq war?
Kennedy: all lies and bullshit!!
Russert: do you regret never being President?
Kennedy: do you regret being a pompous ass?
Gregory: Doris where does Ted rank?
Goodwin: he’s the greatest legislator of our time and maybe the best Senator of all time
Gregory: how so?
Goodwin: he was a legislator, an orator, and fighter for a cause, and he did local politics as well
which is amazing
Gregory: Bob he was never President
Shrum: at first he regretted it but then Obama got elected and he was thrilled
Gregory: why
Shrum: he always wanted to see a non-citizen occupy the White House
Gregory: Ted got the last word with his letter to the Pope which I will read now
Shrum: now you see how smart Ted Kennedy was
Gregory: Ted wrote that he atoned for his sins and asked for universal health care
Townshend: the Catholic faith is a Church of Sinners
Gregory: excellent
Shrum: He treated ordinary people like they were heads of state - and that’s why people loved him
Goodwin: he absorbed the pain and his mistakes and became more generous and stronger
Gregory: Teddy Jr made me cry
Townshend: that story was very moving
Gregory: no I realized I will never be that eloquent
[ sniff ]
*********************
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Chris Matthews Show - August 30, 2009
*******************************
Matthews: OMG - television changed made us afraid of communism, took down Joe McCarthy and brought Bobby Ewing back to life!
Fineman: Under McCarthy decency was destroyed by a bunch of paranid unhinged right-wing lunatics
Matthews: thank god that could never happen again
Norris: in 1968 crazy shouting screaming activists destroyed the image of their party
Matthews: wow that could never happen now
Plante: Watergate was boring tv show until NBC came up with the idea for secret white house tapes as a plot twist
Fineman: it was the first great reality tv series
Matthews: Jimmy Carter was defeated by
the Ayatollah
Mitchell: well to be fair he was working with
Ronald Reagan
Matthews: it was embarrassing to be involved with a weak President who was only able to get the hostages out alive instead of having the courage to have them killed like the troops in Lebanon
Norris: the 9/11 tv show was very exciting but it created a national sense of total fear and refusal to question anything Bush ever did
Matthews: that was awesome
Matthews: the biggest tv audience in history watched the Checkers speech - I love the way Nixon lied and used his children for political gain - ha!
Fineman: Obama’s convention speech in 2004 was so fantastic we were all sure that Obama would be Hillary’s Vice President someday
Norris: Obama knew better
Matthews: he’s a galloping horse and I want
to ride him
Matthews: OMG Dukakis wore a helmet so he couldn’t be President!
Mitchell: he looked like Snoopy so we had to report
it like that
Matthews: Ha! We should just turn the country over to Lee Atwater
Plante: It’s all Dukakis’ fault for making us in
the media trash him over nothing
Norris: Swift-Boating was effective hardball politics - those liars looked like everyday liars you would see lying in the grocery store
Fineman: During hurricane Katrina tv showed Bush acted like an ignorant frat house idiot while people were dying and starving for weeks
Mitchell: we fuck, reality matters sometimes
Matthews: Damm Katie Couric and her ambush questions to Palin on what newspapers do you read!
Mitchell: um seriously, just say "O - The Oprah Magazine" and be done with it
Matthews: ha I love Oprah
Matthews: people who couldn’t afford a tv thought Nixon won the 1960 debates!
Plante: Nixon looked like shit and chose Kennedy -
it turns out people were right
Matthews: wow Bush was ruined by the aircraft carrier speech
Norris: Bush was guilty of premature declaration
Matthews: emission accomplished
Fineman: hey Chris maybe you forgot when you masturbated over that image endlessly
Matthews: ha! that’s right!
Fineman: jesus you’re pathetic
Mathews: fap fap fap fap fap fap
****************
Matthews: OMG - television changed made us afraid of communism, took down Joe McCarthy and brought Bobby Ewing back to life!
Fineman: Under McCarthy decency was destroyed by a bunch of paranid unhinged right-wing lunatics
Matthews: thank god that could never happen again
Norris: in 1968 crazy shouting screaming activists destroyed the image of their party
Matthews: wow that could never happen now
Plante: Watergate was boring tv show until NBC came up with the idea for secret white house tapes as a plot twist
Fineman: it was the first great reality tv series
Matthews: Jimmy Carter was defeated by
the Ayatollah
Mitchell: well to be fair he was working with
Ronald Reagan
Matthews: it was embarrassing to be involved with a weak President who was only able to get the hostages out alive instead of having the courage to have them killed like the troops in Lebanon
Norris: the 9/11 tv show was very exciting but it created a national sense of total fear and refusal to question anything Bush ever did
Matthews: that was awesome
Matthews: the biggest tv audience in history watched the Checkers speech - I love the way Nixon lied and used his children for political gain - ha!
Fineman: Obama’s convention speech in 2004 was so fantastic we were all sure that Obama would be Hillary’s Vice President someday
Norris: Obama knew better
Matthews: he’s a galloping horse and I want
to ride him
Matthews: OMG Dukakis wore a helmet so he couldn’t be President!
Mitchell: he looked like Snoopy so we had to report
it like that
Matthews: Ha! We should just turn the country over to Lee Atwater
Plante: It’s all Dukakis’ fault for making us in
the media trash him over nothing
Norris: Swift-Boating was effective hardball politics - those liars looked like everyday liars you would see lying in the grocery store
Fineman: During hurricane Katrina tv showed Bush acted like an ignorant frat house idiot while people were dying and starving for weeks
Mitchell: we fuck, reality matters sometimes
Matthews: Damm Katie Couric and her ambush questions to Palin on what newspapers do you read!
Mitchell: um seriously, just say "O - The Oprah Magazine" and be done with it
Matthews: ha I love Oprah
Matthews: people who couldn’t afford a tv thought Nixon won the 1960 debates!
Plante: Nixon looked like shit and chose Kennedy -
it turns out people were right
Matthews: wow Bush was ruined by the aircraft carrier speech
Norris: Bush was guilty of premature declaration
Matthews: emission accomplished
Fineman: hey Chris maybe you forgot when you masturbated over that image endlessly
Matthews: ha! that’s right!
Fineman: jesus you’re pathetic
Mathews: fap fap fap fap fap fap
****************
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Meet the Press - with Mullen, Eikenberry, Smiley and Scarborough - August 23, 2009
August 23, 2009
Guests:
General Mullen
Ambassador Eikenberry
Tavis Smiley
Joe Scarborough
******************
Gregory: General I love your epaulets
Mullen: thanks Greggy
Gregory: have the American people lost the
stomach to conquer Afghanistan?
Mullen: maybe but lets not forget the guys in the caves still want to kill lots of Americans
Gregory: do we need more troops to defeat these crafty Afghans?
Mullen: could be
Gregory: but President McCain says we do
Mullen: actually Obama won the election
Gregory: what?!? [ starts sobbing ]
Mullen: calm down fluffy
Gregory: [ wipes tears ] so is General McCain right?
Mullen: if you mean is Matlock a great show -- then no
Gregory: Ambassador Eikenberry I love your cereal
Eikenberry: thanks
Gregory: Ambassador how did Pat Buchanan manage to come in third in the Afghan election?
Eikenberry: I don’t know - it’s weird
Gregory: just out of curiosity are we ever going
to defeat the Taliban
Eikenberry: Afghanistan just had series of civil debates, peaceful rallies and respectful discussions
Gregory: wow if they really want to be
a model democracy they should bring guns to public policy debates
Eikenberry: indeed
Gregory: General we’re rebuilding Afghanistan - I can’t believe President Obama invaded this country and supports all this nation-building!!
Mullen: yeah Greggers keep telling yourself it’s just like Somalia with that all liberal nation-building
Gregory: but you’re trying to reach out to the Afghan people and get them to like America - isn’t that
a recipe for disaster?
Mullen: hell I’ve been there years and this is the first time we’ve had a plan at all
Gregory: what kind of solace is that for the America people who have to live a with quagmire and
a black President???
Mullen: essentially in Afghanistan we’re starting
from scratch
Eikenberry: we’re making progress
Gregory: but not victory - why do hate
the American Empire?
Mullen: I heard in remote Afghanistan that
you were a moron
Gregory: Iraq is violent - what’s up with that?
Mullen: I don’t know - but we’re getting the
hell out of there
Gregory: Should Americans be terrified of Al Qaeda?
Mullen: oh yes they could strike at any moment
[ break ]
Gregory: Senator Schumer do we really need a public option or can I persuade you to compromise and drop it
Schumer: we really need it because health care costs are rising and the private insurance industry
is a blood-sucking profit-seeking monopoly
Gregory: but people will lose their insurance!
Schumer: no they won’t
Gregory: but Rupert Murdoch had a headline
BAM FAILED
Schumer: Truly your sources are impeccable
Gregory: Obama is going to cave on the public option isn’t he
Schumer: no and I really don’t give a fuck if any Republicans vote for it or not
Hatch: Government plans are very expensive
- for example they pay doctors 20% less
Gregory: that makes no sense
Hatch: Medicaid and Medicare don’t work so why would we want another one?
Gregory: so what’s your best argument?
Hatch: I don’t think the government should control everything all the time
Gregory: ok
Hatch: the government shouldn’t take over
the health care system
Gregory: interesting
Hatch: if Ted Kennedy were able to he would call me up and say let's save grandma and reject Obama's plan
Kennedy: [ from hospital ] fuck you you goddam ninny
Hatch: 119 million people will lose their
health insurance
Gregory: that’s a lie
Hatch: well the truth varies all over the place
Gregory: is Obama caving or not?
Schumer: no fluffybrain
Hatch: New York is not Wyoming!
Gregory: what about co-ops
Schumer: they suck
Hatch: we have 300 million people in this country and only a few who don’t have health insurance and most of them are illegal aliens or rich people who refuse to buy health insurance
Gregory: that’s an interesting argument
Hatch: If we get the government involved in the United States we will bankrupt the country
Gregory: Chucky will you push this through
with only 60 votes?
Schumer: well no Republican will vote for health reform - they said so
Gregory: is health care Obama’s Waterloo or
his Mamma Mia?
Hatch: if we make employers give health insurance then we will kill all poor people
Gregory: what is the Republican approach?
Hatch: to send old men on tv and rant and
rave about Germany and France
Gregory: and what else
Hatch: to whine about passing laws undemocratically with only 51 votes
Gregory: that sounds like a great strategy
Schumer: some say we should have single-payer and others say there should be no reform - let’s compromise and have a robust public option
Gregory: Talk health care to me
Scarborough: The Dems own this is city
- why don’t they just enact what they want?!
Smiley: Dancing Dave you would cry if Obama
did not reach across the aisle and be all bipartisan and shit
Scarborough: Obama has not reached
out to conservatives enough
Smiley: Obama is caving sadly
Scarborough: he owns the team and the arena!
Gregory: supporters of the President say crack some Democratic skulls and get it done
Smiley: sure but David Broder would have him impeached if he didn’t reach out to Republicans
Gregory: I’m concerned that Obama hasn’t reached out to Republicans enough
Smiley: we should hold all Democrats responsible for the conservatism of Blue Dogs
Gregory: I asked Tom Coburn if killing the President was a good idea and he said oh sure if he proposes a flawed health care plan
Smiley: that’s fucking crazy
Scarborough: both sides are screaming at each about things most people don’t understand like public option, evolution or gravity
Gregory: right
Scarborough: people should not be carrying guns to rallies - the fringe makes us all look nuts
Gregory: fringe lunatics like US Senator Coburn
Scarborough: right
Gregory: Obama seems to be failing
- what should he be doing?
Scarborough: go LBJ on their asses
Smiley: Martin Luther King wouldn’t have wobbled and Obama is fucking wobbling
Gregory: and thanks for fucking watching
********
Guests:
General Mullen
Ambassador Eikenberry
Tavis Smiley
Joe Scarborough
******************
Gregory: General I love your epaulets
Mullen: thanks Greggy
Gregory: have the American people lost the
stomach to conquer Afghanistan?
Mullen: maybe but lets not forget the guys in the caves still want to kill lots of Americans
Gregory: do we need more troops to defeat these crafty Afghans?
Mullen: could be
Gregory: but President McCain says we do
Mullen: actually Obama won the election
Gregory: what?!? [ starts sobbing ]
Mullen: calm down fluffy
Gregory: [ wipes tears ] so is General McCain right?
Mullen: if you mean is Matlock a great show -- then no
Gregory: Ambassador Eikenberry I love your cereal
Eikenberry: thanks
Gregory: Ambassador how did Pat Buchanan manage to come in third in the Afghan election?
Eikenberry: I don’t know - it’s weird
Gregory: just out of curiosity are we ever going
to defeat the Taliban
Eikenberry: Afghanistan just had series of civil debates, peaceful rallies and respectful discussions
Gregory: wow if they really want to be
a model democracy they should bring guns to public policy debates
Eikenberry: indeed
Gregory: General we’re rebuilding Afghanistan - I can’t believe President Obama invaded this country and supports all this nation-building!!
Mullen: yeah Greggers keep telling yourself it’s just like Somalia with that all liberal nation-building
Gregory: but you’re trying to reach out to the Afghan people and get them to like America - isn’t that
a recipe for disaster?
Mullen: hell I’ve been there years and this is the first time we’ve had a plan at all
Gregory: what kind of solace is that for the America people who have to live a with quagmire and
a black President???
Mullen: essentially in Afghanistan we’re starting
from scratch
Eikenberry: we’re making progress
Gregory: but not victory - why do hate
the American Empire?
Mullen: I heard in remote Afghanistan that
you were a moron
Gregory: Iraq is violent - what’s up with that?
Mullen: I don’t know - but we’re getting the
hell out of there
Gregory: Should Americans be terrified of Al Qaeda?
Mullen: oh yes they could strike at any moment
[ break ]
Gregory: Senator Schumer do we really need a public option or can I persuade you to compromise and drop it
Schumer: we really need it because health care costs are rising and the private insurance industry
is a blood-sucking profit-seeking monopoly
Gregory: but people will lose their insurance!
Schumer: no they won’t
Gregory: but Rupert Murdoch had a headline
BAM FAILED
Schumer: Truly your sources are impeccable
Gregory: Obama is going to cave on the public option isn’t he
Schumer: no and I really don’t give a fuck if any Republicans vote for it or not
Hatch: Government plans are very expensive
- for example they pay doctors 20% less
Gregory: that makes no sense
Hatch: Medicaid and Medicare don’t work so why would we want another one?
Gregory: so what’s your best argument?
Hatch: I don’t think the government should control everything all the time
Gregory: ok
Hatch: the government shouldn’t take over
the health care system
Gregory: interesting
Hatch: if Ted Kennedy were able to he would call me up and say let's save grandma and reject Obama's plan
Kennedy: [ from hospital ] fuck you you goddam ninny
Hatch: 119 million people will lose their
health insurance
Gregory: that’s a lie
Hatch: well the truth varies all over the place
Gregory: is Obama caving or not?
Schumer: no fluffybrain
Hatch: New York is not Wyoming!
Gregory: what about co-ops
Schumer: they suck
Hatch: we have 300 million people in this country and only a few who don’t have health insurance and most of them are illegal aliens or rich people who refuse to buy health insurance
Gregory: that’s an interesting argument
Hatch: If we get the government involved in the United States we will bankrupt the country
Gregory: Chucky will you push this through
with only 60 votes?
Schumer: well no Republican will vote for health reform - they said so
Gregory: is health care Obama’s Waterloo or
his Mamma Mia?
Hatch: if we make employers give health insurance then we will kill all poor people
Gregory: what is the Republican approach?
Hatch: to send old men on tv and rant and
rave about Germany and France
Gregory: and what else
Hatch: to whine about passing laws undemocratically with only 51 votes
Gregory: that sounds like a great strategy
Schumer: some say we should have single-payer and others say there should be no reform - let’s compromise and have a robust public option
Gregory: Talk health care to me
Scarborough: The Dems own this is city
- why don’t they just enact what they want?!
Smiley: Dancing Dave you would cry if Obama
did not reach across the aisle and be all bipartisan and shit
Scarborough: Obama has not reached
out to conservatives enough
Smiley: Obama is caving sadly
Scarborough: he owns the team and the arena!
Gregory: supporters of the President say crack some Democratic skulls and get it done
Smiley: sure but David Broder would have him impeached if he didn’t reach out to Republicans
Gregory: I’m concerned that Obama hasn’t reached out to Republicans enough
Smiley: we should hold all Democrats responsible for the conservatism of Blue Dogs
Gregory: I asked Tom Coburn if killing the President was a good idea and he said oh sure if he proposes a flawed health care plan
Smiley: that’s fucking crazy
Scarborough: both sides are screaming at each about things most people don’t understand like public option, evolution or gravity
Gregory: right
Scarborough: people should not be carrying guns to rallies - the fringe makes us all look nuts
Gregory: fringe lunatics like US Senator Coburn
Scarborough: right
Gregory: Obama seems to be failing
- what should he be doing?
Scarborough: go LBJ on their asses
Smiley: Martin Luther King wouldn’t have wobbled and Obama is fucking wobbling
Gregory: and thanks for fucking watching
********
The Chris Matthews Show - August 23, 2009
Matthews: OMG newspapers used to be romantic hotspots of sex and excitement and now they’re dying!!
Woodward: sure newspapers are dead but the kids love tv and those inter-youtubes
Brown: I could make the Beast into a Beauty if I had more money
Matthews: awesome
Brown: we’re going to rely on bloggers for foreign reporting
Matthews: I miss going out to the driveway in my bathrobe and get the crack news
Borger: but I get all the news sent to my blackberry at midnight
Klein: I like to read newspapers so I can be up on stories that no one gives a shit about
Matthews: People are stealing shitty news from the WaPo!
Woodward: no one cares
Matthews: newspapers are essential to long-form stories misleading people on the economy!
Klein: actually there’s more room to write thorough stories on the Internet
Woodward: or books - where you can really pack in the lies
Matthews: but who’s going to fact-check -- not bloggers!!
Klein: we fact-check but Time.com doesn’t fact-check me, thank god
Brown: you can fact-check online stupid
Klein: our readers fact-check us - it turns out we’ve been printing lies all this time!
Borger: in ten years newspapers will be downloaded digitally into our brains
Klein: I like print papers so the elites will tell me what I need to know
Matthews: indeed bloggers live in their own little world and are never exposed to news no gives a flying fuck about
Klein: I’m going to Iran because no one in the U.S. seems to want me around
Matthews: what ever happened to Emile Zola?!
Klein: Jack Use!
Woodward: Watergate was bigger than journalism - it was about the future of the country
Matthews: could you do a story like that today?
Woodward: oh yes
Matthews: so why don’t you?
Woodward: it turns out there’s more money in being a whore for Republican liars
Matthews: ha I love it!
Matthews: the Boston Globe blew the top off the pedophile scandal and ramrod it through!
Woodward: the local newspaper needs to have moral authority
Matthews: but who will catch the bad guys - Batman?
Borger: former editors of the Wall Street Journal
Brown: individual bloggers - they’re actually pretty smart
Borger: but Tina we can’t rely on lonely shut-ins
Klein: we’re going to miss the banter in the newspaper coffee room like when people say ‘hey joe you may be a moron and liar but at least you’re not a stinking blogger’ and then we all give each other high-fives
Matthews: who will write the most interesting book to come out of the Bush administration?
Brown: Women are going to want see if Condi Rice will admit she was wrong all this time
Woodward: Bush’s memoir will be riveting - but no women will read Donald Rumsfeld
Matthews: but women will find him so sexy!
Klein: Cheney will spill his dark psychoses for all the world to see and reveal that Bush was a nazi-fascist-socialist-commie who was soft on torture like he once balked about pulling a suspect’s eyes out with an oyster fork
Matthews: well you gotta get a tough on terrorists
Klein: no, this person was suspected of wearing a Kerry shirt to a Bush town hall
Matthews: ha what a great story
Matthews: Tell me some news!
Brown: newsgathering online is better than crappy papers
Woodward: George W. Bush is going to be finally vindicated in his wonderful riveting new autobiography
Borger: the GOP will stage a resurgence I’m sure of it
Matthews: wow - how will they do it?!
Borger: I have no fucking idea
Klein: you have to see ‘Afghan Idol ‘- they have a nasty British guy, a loopy woman and an incoherent guy who says “yo”
Matthews: wow it’s like the royal family in the 19th century all over again
Woodward: sure newspapers are dead but the kids love tv and those inter-youtubes
Brown: I could make the Beast into a Beauty if I had more money
Matthews: awesome
Brown: we’re going to rely on bloggers for foreign reporting
Matthews: I miss going out to the driveway in my bathrobe and get the crack news
Borger: but I get all the news sent to my blackberry at midnight
Klein: I like to read newspapers so I can be up on stories that no one gives a shit about
Matthews: People are stealing shitty news from the WaPo!
Woodward: no one cares
Matthews: newspapers are essential to long-form stories misleading people on the economy!
Klein: actually there’s more room to write thorough stories on the Internet
Woodward: or books - where you can really pack in the lies
Matthews: but who’s going to fact-check -- not bloggers!!
Klein: we fact-check but Time.com doesn’t fact-check me, thank god
Brown: you can fact-check online stupid
Klein: our readers fact-check us - it turns out we’ve been printing lies all this time!
Borger: in ten years newspapers will be downloaded digitally into our brains
Klein: I like print papers so the elites will tell me what I need to know
Matthews: indeed bloggers live in their own little world and are never exposed to news no gives a flying fuck about
Klein: I’m going to Iran because no one in the U.S. seems to want me around
Matthews: what ever happened to Emile Zola?!
Klein: Jack Use!
Woodward: Watergate was bigger than journalism - it was about the future of the country
Matthews: could you do a story like that today?
Woodward: oh yes
Matthews: so why don’t you?
Woodward: it turns out there’s more money in being a whore for Republican liars
Matthews: ha I love it!
Matthews: the Boston Globe blew the top off the pedophile scandal and ramrod it through!
Woodward: the local newspaper needs to have moral authority
Matthews: but who will catch the bad guys - Batman?
Borger: former editors of the Wall Street Journal
Brown: individual bloggers - they’re actually pretty smart
Borger: but Tina we can’t rely on lonely shut-ins
Klein: we’re going to miss the banter in the newspaper coffee room like when people say ‘hey joe you may be a moron and liar but at least you’re not a stinking blogger’ and then we all give each other high-fives
Matthews: who will write the most interesting book to come out of the Bush administration?
Brown: Women are going to want see if Condi Rice will admit she was wrong all this time
Woodward: Bush’s memoir will be riveting - but no women will read Donald Rumsfeld
Matthews: but women will find him so sexy!
Klein: Cheney will spill his dark psychoses for all the world to see and reveal that Bush was a nazi-fascist-socialist-commie who was soft on torture like he once balked about pulling a suspect’s eyes out with an oyster fork
Matthews: well you gotta get a tough on terrorists
Klein: no, this person was suspected of wearing a Kerry shirt to a Bush town hall
Matthews: ha what a great story
Matthews: Tell me some news!
Brown: newsgathering online is better than crappy papers
Woodward: George W. Bush is going to be finally vindicated in his wonderful riveting new autobiography
Borger: the GOP will stage a resurgence I’m sure of it
Matthews: wow - how will they do it?!
Borger: I have no fucking idea
Klein: you have to see ‘Afghan Idol ‘- they have a nasty British guy, a loopy woman and an incoherent guy who says “yo”
Matthews: wow it’s like the royal family in the 19th century all over again
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Meet The Press - August 16, 2009
Meet The Press
August 16, 2009
Guests:
Fmr Sen. Tom Daschle
Sen. Tom Coburn
Frm Rep. Dick Armey
Rachel Maddow
Gov. Bill Ritter
Rep. Charles Rangel
**********************
Gregory: welcome panelists - did any of you
bring a gun this morning?
Armey: don’t leave home without it
Coburn: lock and load [ slides chamber ]
Gregory: ok ok
Gregory: Nazi references, swastikas, death threats, guns - this is all a bit disturbing
Coburn: indeed the fact that Obama is out of
control is very disturbing
Gregory: but these protestors are acting
utterly crazy
Coburn: but their actions are justified
- after all Obama is clearly a fascist
Gregory: you’re kidding right
Coburn: no
Gregory: oh my
Armey: look colorful people like Tim McVeigh
will always show up at town hall meetings
Gregory: good god
Armey: Besides Move On ran ads comparing
Bush to Hitler
Maddow: no they didn’t - that’s a lie
Armey: there’s nothing wrong with urging unhinged lunatics to think of the President of a tyrant who needs to be killed
Maddow: I can’t believe what I am hearing
Coburn: It’s all Obama’s fault for being the
first black Nazi President
Gregory: don’t you think this is appalling
Armey: well anyway this is all Nancy Pelosi’s fault
Maddow: Freedomworks is promoting violence
Armey: yes but when people are falsely accused
of promoting violence it makes them so angry they get violent
Maddow: right
Gregory: Chuck Grassley says the health reform
bill will murder old people
Coburn: the idea that government would have
any role in medical care is basically totalitarian
Gregory: I find your world view fascinating
Coburn: we need real health reform based
on the Bible
Greogry: you say you want a civil debate
- so you start off
Coburn: the Democrat’s health reform plan
will kill people
Daschle: I plan on writing a strongly worded letter
to Coburn about this
Gregory: Governor is Obama a failure?
Ritter: Obama is out there telling the truth and
it’s working
Gregory: but isn’t the real concern about deficit
and debt and raising taxes on wealthy anchors of Sunday tv talk shows?
Ritter: no, and the rumors have reached Colorado that you’re a moron
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] Rachel, Obama
can’t guarantee that people will never lose their private insurance!
Maddow: even for you Greggers that’s stupid
Armey: I was reading this bill last night around a campfire with a flashlight under my chin and then as I was talking Obama called a patient
and he demanded $21,000 for a new liver!
Daschle: well since we haven’t passed the bill
yet that's the system you created Dick
Coburn: the health care system is awesome
Dashcle: not in life expectancy
Coburn: oh you can’t the success of a health
care system by how long people live
Gregory: 50 million have no insurance and it will
cost $1 trillion!
Rangel: I know!
Gregory: Charlie isn’t the crank in Montana right about raising taxes on poor tv anchors?
Rangel: jesus christ - fuck you Greggers
Gregory: ok but what about the plan
Rangel: I hope we do raise taxes on your
pasty white ass
Gregory: you scare me
Rangel: I’m glad because I don’t like you fluffyhead
Gregory: will Obama raises taxes on poor people?
Rangel: I’m sick of the hatred being churned up - why don’t the churches and mosques condemn it??
Gregory: that’s who you expect to calm people down?
Rangel: well they started it
Gregory: Tom Obama’s plan will bankrupt us
won’t it?
Daschle: if we don’t change we will spend $35 trillion
Maddow: or we could just save money by using
a public health plan
Armey: I’m scared to death of Medicare concentration camps
Maddow: you think seniors really want to get out
of medicare?
Armey: no they love it - but the idea of good health plan for the elderly is tyranny
Maddow: so just to be clear - you are fucking insane
Armey: there are secret internal memos which imprison poor people if they refuse free health care
Gregory: aren’t the insurance companies innocent victims of greedy hospitals with their fancy clean surgical instruments?
Daschle: um no
Gregory: speaking of which - isn’t the real problem lazy Americans getting free gold plated health care and therefore demanding a new needle for each person - why not just wash them?
Coburn: that’s right - we need to be more efficient
by privatizing Medicaid and letting people choose to die on their own
Gregory: a Death Panel of the Mind
Coburn: exactly
Gregory: isn’t a public option inherently unfair?
Armey: that’s right, it is - we need to let people from New Jersey buy insurance in Texas which is better because it covers gunshot wounds including if you are in debt to the mob
Gregory: wait til BlueCross finds out the mafia
is cutting in on their action
Maddow: hey dick, there is no state with secretly awesome health insurance
Armey: but this would hurt private insurance businesses
Maddow: good - they’ve failed
Insurance guy: but people might leave private insurers for the public option
Daschle: well that’s freedom
Coburn: look even if Obama’s plan is terrific in everyway it requires hiring new government employees which we cannot accept
Gregory: who’s ‘we’?
Coburn: me and the other people in my
apocalyptic cult
Gregory: Rachel, what will liberals accept?
Maddow: if Obama accepts less than a public option he will have riled up public anger and spent political capital for nothing
Gregory: Dick will Obama succeed?
Armey: no I don’t think he will
Gregory: and who would know better about
failing that Dick Armey?
Armey: right
Gregory: thank for watching
*************
August 16, 2009
Guests:
Fmr Sen. Tom Daschle
Sen. Tom Coburn
Frm Rep. Dick Armey
Rachel Maddow
Gov. Bill Ritter
Rep. Charles Rangel
**********************
Gregory: welcome panelists - did any of you
bring a gun this morning?
Armey: don’t leave home without it
Coburn: lock and load [ slides chamber ]
Gregory: ok ok
Gregory: Nazi references, swastikas, death threats, guns - this is all a bit disturbing
Coburn: indeed the fact that Obama is out of
control is very disturbing
Gregory: but these protestors are acting
utterly crazy
Coburn: but their actions are justified
- after all Obama is clearly a fascist
Gregory: you’re kidding right
Coburn: no
Gregory: oh my
Armey: look colorful people like Tim McVeigh
will always show up at town hall meetings
Gregory: good god
Armey: Besides Move On ran ads comparing
Bush to Hitler
Maddow: no they didn’t - that’s a lie
Armey: there’s nothing wrong with urging unhinged lunatics to think of the President of a tyrant who needs to be killed
Maddow: I can’t believe what I am hearing
Coburn: It’s all Obama’s fault for being the
first black Nazi President
Gregory: don’t you think this is appalling
Armey: well anyway this is all Nancy Pelosi’s fault
Maddow: Freedomworks is promoting violence
Armey: yes but when people are falsely accused
of promoting violence it makes them so angry they get violent
Maddow: right
Gregory: Chuck Grassley says the health reform
bill will murder old people
Coburn: the idea that government would have
any role in medical care is basically totalitarian
Gregory: I find your world view fascinating
Coburn: we need real health reform based
on the Bible
Greogry: you say you want a civil debate
- so you start off
Coburn: the Democrat’s health reform plan
will kill people
Daschle: I plan on writing a strongly worded letter
to Coburn about this
Gregory: Governor is Obama a failure?
Ritter: Obama is out there telling the truth and
it’s working
Gregory: but isn’t the real concern about deficit
and debt and raising taxes on wealthy anchors of Sunday tv talk shows?
Ritter: no, and the rumors have reached Colorado that you’re a moron
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] Rachel, Obama
can’t guarantee that people will never lose their private insurance!
Maddow: even for you Greggers that’s stupid
Armey: I was reading this bill last night around a campfire with a flashlight under my chin and then as I was talking Obama called a patient
and he demanded $21,000 for a new liver!
Daschle: well since we haven’t passed the bill
yet that's the system you created Dick
Coburn: the health care system is awesome
Dashcle: not in life expectancy
Coburn: oh you can’t the success of a health
care system by how long people live
Gregory: 50 million have no insurance and it will
cost $1 trillion!
Rangel: I know!
Gregory: Charlie isn’t the crank in Montana right about raising taxes on poor tv anchors?
Rangel: jesus christ - fuck you Greggers
Gregory: ok but what about the plan
Rangel: I hope we do raise taxes on your
pasty white ass
Gregory: you scare me
Rangel: I’m glad because I don’t like you fluffyhead
Gregory: will Obama raises taxes on poor people?
Rangel: I’m sick of the hatred being churned up - why don’t the churches and mosques condemn it??
Gregory: that’s who you expect to calm people down?
Rangel: well they started it
Gregory: Tom Obama’s plan will bankrupt us
won’t it?
Daschle: if we don’t change we will spend $35 trillion
Maddow: or we could just save money by using
a public health plan
Armey: I’m scared to death of Medicare concentration camps
Maddow: you think seniors really want to get out
of medicare?
Armey: no they love it - but the idea of good health plan for the elderly is tyranny
Maddow: so just to be clear - you are fucking insane
Armey: there are secret internal memos which imprison poor people if they refuse free health care
Gregory: aren’t the insurance companies innocent victims of greedy hospitals with their fancy clean surgical instruments?
Daschle: um no
Gregory: speaking of which - isn’t the real problem lazy Americans getting free gold plated health care and therefore demanding a new needle for each person - why not just wash them?
Coburn: that’s right - we need to be more efficient
by privatizing Medicaid and letting people choose to die on their own
Gregory: a Death Panel of the Mind
Coburn: exactly
Gregory: isn’t a public option inherently unfair?
Armey: that’s right, it is - we need to let people from New Jersey buy insurance in Texas which is better because it covers gunshot wounds including if you are in debt to the mob
Gregory: wait til BlueCross finds out the mafia
is cutting in on their action
Maddow: hey dick, there is no state with secretly awesome health insurance
Armey: but this would hurt private insurance businesses
Maddow: good - they’ve failed
Insurance guy: but people might leave private insurers for the public option
Daschle: well that’s freedom
Coburn: look even if Obama’s plan is terrific in everyway it requires hiring new government employees which we cannot accept
Gregory: who’s ‘we’?
Coburn: me and the other people in my
apocalyptic cult
Gregory: Rachel, what will liberals accept?
Maddow: if Obama accepts less than a public option he will have riled up public anger and spent political capital for nothing
Gregory: Dick will Obama succeed?
Armey: no I don’t think he will
Gregory: and who would know better about
failing that Dick Armey?
Armey: right
Gregory: thank for watching
*************
The Chris Matthews Show - August 16, 2009
Matthews: OMG Ronald Reagan presided a two
year recession but he turned it around -unlike Obama who sucks!!
Regan: oh no!
Matthews: his stimulus bill failed and his
auto bailouts are too big!!
Stengel: he’s a stunning failure - but to be fair
he became President at a time when the US empire is collapsing
Regan: the recession is ending but that’s not Obama’s doing - Obama is just responsible for raising the deficit
Parker: look he’s already been President for
7 months so everything bad happening is now his fault
Matthews: but we’re coming out of the recession
Parker: Bush deserves credit for that
Matthews: of course
Heileman: Kathleen is exactly right - Obama has a lot of policies but no message so he’s really a failure
Stengel: no I agree he is a failure because he has
a message but no policies
Parker: look all I know is that people are sick of seeing this intelligent black man on tv
Regan: Wall Street will react badly if Obama fails
Matthews: but you just said they don’t want
his health reform
Regan: look he’s a failure whatever he does
Parker: he should definitely adopt Republican policies - that would help
Mattthews: yes just attack the left and cut taxes for the rich
Heileman: also abandon health reform and cap and trade
Regan: all my friends are terrified that Obama will tax the middle class
Matthews: oh my god we’re all doomed
Stengel: all your friends are narcissistic babies
Matthews: well if Obama gets health reform that will be the last success Obama ever has
Stengel: right
Parker: oh of course
[ break ]
Matthews: OMG Woodstock was groovy man!
Heileman: it was about dropping out
and doing drugs
Matthews: the bad stuff!
Heileman: sounds good to me
Matthews: ha!
Heileman: but look the anti-war and civil rights movement were deadly serious and not driven
by dropouts
Stengel: hey I just realized that the whole Woodstock crowd was an anomaly
Matthews: this is all about the Clintons and their tie-dyed drug craziness
Stengel: huh?
Matthews: Obama’s campaign was all about
Bobby Kennedy!
Regan: no it wasn’t stupid
Heileman: Obama volunteers didn’t want to drop out of society - the wacko dropout protestors are conservatives now
Matthews: wow you just blew my mind
Matthews: tell me something I don’t know
Regan: a housing crisis is brewing
Stengel: an amazing change is coming -- newspapers and magazines will start to
charge for content
Matthews: wow
Parker: Nicky Haley for President
Matthews: um who
Heileman: no one wants to see a movie about Woodstock will hopefully shut Chris Matthew up
Matthews: ha! Coming up next - Obama how a big
a failure is he?
Regan: he sucks a he’s not a miracle worker
Stengel: it’s the economy, stupid
Parker: that’s right
Heileman: the Democrats will lose 30 to 40
seats in 2010
Matthews: you’re all Marxists - I love it!
year recession but he turned it around -unlike Obama who sucks!!
Regan: oh no!
Matthews: his stimulus bill failed and his
auto bailouts are too big!!
Stengel: he’s a stunning failure - but to be fair
he became President at a time when the US empire is collapsing
Regan: the recession is ending but that’s not Obama’s doing - Obama is just responsible for raising the deficit
Parker: look he’s already been President for
7 months so everything bad happening is now his fault
Matthews: but we’re coming out of the recession
Parker: Bush deserves credit for that
Matthews: of course
Heileman: Kathleen is exactly right - Obama has a lot of policies but no message so he’s really a failure
Stengel: no I agree he is a failure because he has
a message but no policies
Parker: look all I know is that people are sick of seeing this intelligent black man on tv
Regan: Wall Street will react badly if Obama fails
Matthews: but you just said they don’t want
his health reform
Regan: look he’s a failure whatever he does
Parker: he should definitely adopt Republican policies - that would help
Mattthews: yes just attack the left and cut taxes for the rich
Heileman: also abandon health reform and cap and trade
Regan: all my friends are terrified that Obama will tax the middle class
Matthews: oh my god we’re all doomed
Stengel: all your friends are narcissistic babies
Matthews: well if Obama gets health reform that will be the last success Obama ever has
Stengel: right
Parker: oh of course
[ break ]
Matthews: OMG Woodstock was groovy man!
Heileman: it was about dropping out
and doing drugs
Matthews: the bad stuff!
Heileman: sounds good to me
Matthews: ha!
Heileman: but look the anti-war and civil rights movement were deadly serious and not driven
by dropouts
Stengel: hey I just realized that the whole Woodstock crowd was an anomaly
Matthews: this is all about the Clintons and their tie-dyed drug craziness
Stengel: huh?
Matthews: Obama’s campaign was all about
Bobby Kennedy!
Regan: no it wasn’t stupid
Heileman: Obama volunteers didn’t want to drop out of society - the wacko dropout protestors are conservatives now
Matthews: wow you just blew my mind
Matthews: tell me something I don’t know
Regan: a housing crisis is brewing
Stengel: an amazing change is coming -- newspapers and magazines will start to
charge for content
Matthews: wow
Parker: Nicky Haley for President
Matthews: um who
Heileman: no one wants to see a movie about Woodstock will hopefully shut Chris Matthew up
Matthews: ha! Coming up next - Obama how a big
a failure is he?
Regan: he sucks a he’s not a miracle worker
Stengel: it’s the economy, stupid
Parker: that’s right
Heileman: the Democrats will lose 30 to 40
seats in 2010
Matthews: you’re all Marxists - I love it!
Sunday, August 09, 2009
This Week with George Stephanopoulos, August 9, 2009 - with Howard Dean and Newt Gingrich
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 9, 2009
Guests:
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
**************************
Stephanopoulos: the big news this week is that people who want to fix a completely broken heath care system are just like Adolf Hitler
Gingrich: liberals have a civic duty to listen to people scream and yell and sit there and not do anything
Stephanopoulos: that sounds like disorderly conduct
Gingrich: no, I don’t think any of them were
black Harvard professors
Stephanopoulos: why are these protestors so angry
and threatening violence?
Gingrich: they are very upset at Nancy Pelosi’s use of parliamentary procedures in the House
of Representatives
Stephanopoulos: of course
Gingrich: we have to let people get their all insane violent rage out of their system and them we can have a return to democracy in September
Stephanopoulos: Howard is all this anger
just manufactured?
Dean: Sure it is - but the point is this is not democracy it’s pure thuggery
Stephanopoulos: but those thugs only have
a few friends on Facebook
Dean: It’s not my fault no one like Republicans
Stephanopoulos: but that proves that this is genuine
anger at the horrible stimulus bill
Dean: Even Republicans love handing out
stimulus checks!
Stephanopoulos: Dean you hate health care so much you went after Ben Nelson who after all is a very nice white man
Dean: well I think giving health insurance companies $60 billion a year is insane - why not give people the choice to join a government-run plan?
Gingrich: no we can’t do that because I have verified proof that Medicaid is totally corrupt
Stephanopoulos: what is your proof?
Gingrich: I wrote a book called
“Medicaid Is Full of Crooks”
Stephanopoulos: well that clinches it
Gingrich: also we can’t have single-payer because Indians are treated badly
Stephanopoulos: Veterans get good care - except for the mold and electric showers
Gingrich: Medicare is basically a
private insurance program
Stephanopoulos: fascinating
Gingrich: also members of Congress refused to join the voluntary program even though
they would force every American to enroll in the government-run health system against their will
Stephanopoulos: I find your incessant
lies fascinating
Gingrich: wait there’s more
Gingrich: the government plan would save businesses trillions of dollars which would
force Americans into a system so popular people would hate it
Dean: I should point out right now that Newt is
a cheap lying smear-merchant
Stephanopoulos: we all know that
Dean: how many times can I say it - no one is going to be forced to join the public health system if they don’t want to
Gingrich: but if it’s good system people will *want* to join it - which will hurt private insurers, which means people will lose their private insurance, which is bad!
Stephanopoulos: huh?
Gingrich: the only way the public system can work if it’s so bad no wants to use it!
Stephanopoulos: of course
Dean: this bill is a huge win for small business who will be able to offer their employees health insurance!
Stephanopoulos: but the Senate won’t pass
a public option
Dean: yes they will - 4 committees already have
Stephanopoulos: but you need 60 votes to
pass the Senate
Dean: no, you need 51 votes
Stephanopoulos: only if you use Democracy and not Bipartisanship
Gingrich: this is why Americans are so terrified - they know it is the hallmark of fascism to pass laws by majority vote
Stephanopoulos: ok
Gingrich: this is life and death!
Dean: didn’t you divorce your wife when she was in
the hospital with cancer?
Gingrich: liberals caused Susan Smith to
drown her children!
Dean: ok buddy
Gingrich: you can’t strip a tiny minority in the Senate of its god-given right to obstruct legislation
- it’s un-American!
Stephanopoulos: makes sense to me
Gingrich: I talked to Chuck Grassley yesterday and he made it very clear that in the alternate universe where people give shit what he thinks a public plan is unacceptable
Stephanopoulos: incredible
Gingrich: we must avoid rationing!
Dean: lying fuck
Gingrich: cost control would cause for-profit health
providers to go bankrupt
Stephanopoulos: what’s your health reform solution?
Gingrich: a tax on Kenyan-Americans
Stephanopoulos: noted Republican and Crazy Person Sarah Palin says she doesn’t want Obama
to murder her baby
Gingrich: so you’re in favor of murdering children?
Stephanopoulos: no one is proposing that
Gingrich: The Government has a noted history of killing innocent people - just look at Iraq, Gitmo
and New Orleans
Stephanopoulos: are you totally insane?
Gingrich: the bill is 1,000 pages long - who knows if a plan for an American Auschwitz is buried on page 400 next to Unicorns for Liberals and making
Bigfoot a Senator??
Dean: oh I agree entirely
Stephanopoulos: [ put face in hands ]
Dean: I practiced medicine for years and the only bureaucrats killing people worked for health insurance companies
Gingrich: well of course how else do you expect them to make money - by just giving medical care to every person who walks through the door or
who has been paying premiums for years?
Dean: well maybe health care shouldn’t be based
on making a massive profit!!
Gingrich: see you want to put health insurers out of business and then people won’t have health insurance
Dean: they don’t have it now!
Gingrich: no, they have health insurance they just don’t have health care
Dean: oh for fuck’s sake
Gingrich: it’s Howard’s dirty time of the month
Dean: you're a loony
Stephanopoulos: thanks for watching everyone
********
August 9, 2009
Guests:
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
**************************
Stephanopoulos: the big news this week is that people who want to fix a completely broken heath care system are just like Adolf Hitler
Gingrich: liberals have a civic duty to listen to people scream and yell and sit there and not do anything
Stephanopoulos: that sounds like disorderly conduct
Gingrich: no, I don’t think any of them were
black Harvard professors
Stephanopoulos: why are these protestors so angry
and threatening violence?
Gingrich: they are very upset at Nancy Pelosi’s use of parliamentary procedures in the House
of Representatives
Stephanopoulos: of course
Gingrich: we have to let people get their all insane violent rage out of their system and them we can have a return to democracy in September
Stephanopoulos: Howard is all this anger
just manufactured?
Dean: Sure it is - but the point is this is not democracy it’s pure thuggery
Stephanopoulos: but those thugs only have
a few friends on Facebook
Dean: It’s not my fault no one like Republicans
Stephanopoulos: but that proves that this is genuine
anger at the horrible stimulus bill
Dean: Even Republicans love handing out
stimulus checks!
Stephanopoulos: Dean you hate health care so much you went after Ben Nelson who after all is a very nice white man
Dean: well I think giving health insurance companies $60 billion a year is insane - why not give people the choice to join a government-run plan?
Gingrich: no we can’t do that because I have verified proof that Medicaid is totally corrupt
Stephanopoulos: what is your proof?
Gingrich: I wrote a book called
“Medicaid Is Full of Crooks”
Stephanopoulos: well that clinches it
Gingrich: also we can’t have single-payer because Indians are treated badly
Stephanopoulos: Veterans get good care - except for the mold and electric showers
Gingrich: Medicare is basically a
private insurance program
Stephanopoulos: fascinating
Gingrich: also members of Congress refused to join the voluntary program even though
they would force every American to enroll in the government-run health system against their will
Stephanopoulos: I find your incessant
lies fascinating
Gingrich: wait there’s more
Gingrich: the government plan would save businesses trillions of dollars which would
force Americans into a system so popular people would hate it
Dean: I should point out right now that Newt is
a cheap lying smear-merchant
Stephanopoulos: we all know that
Dean: how many times can I say it - no one is going to be forced to join the public health system if they don’t want to
Gingrich: but if it’s good system people will *want* to join it - which will hurt private insurers, which means people will lose their private insurance, which is bad!
Stephanopoulos: huh?
Gingrich: the only way the public system can work if it’s so bad no wants to use it!
Stephanopoulos: of course
Dean: this bill is a huge win for small business who will be able to offer their employees health insurance!
Stephanopoulos: but the Senate won’t pass
a public option
Dean: yes they will - 4 committees already have
Stephanopoulos: but you need 60 votes to
pass the Senate
Dean: no, you need 51 votes
Stephanopoulos: only if you use Democracy and not Bipartisanship
Gingrich: this is why Americans are so terrified - they know it is the hallmark of fascism to pass laws by majority vote
Stephanopoulos: ok
Gingrich: this is life and death!
Dean: didn’t you divorce your wife when she was in
the hospital with cancer?
Gingrich: liberals caused Susan Smith to
drown her children!
Dean: ok buddy
Gingrich: you can’t strip a tiny minority in the Senate of its god-given right to obstruct legislation
- it’s un-American!
Stephanopoulos: makes sense to me
Gingrich: I talked to Chuck Grassley yesterday and he made it very clear that in the alternate universe where people give shit what he thinks a public plan is unacceptable
Stephanopoulos: incredible
Gingrich: we must avoid rationing!
Dean: lying fuck
Gingrich: cost control would cause for-profit health
providers to go bankrupt
Stephanopoulos: what’s your health reform solution?
Gingrich: a tax on Kenyan-Americans
Stephanopoulos: noted Republican and Crazy Person Sarah Palin says she doesn’t want Obama
to murder her baby
Gingrich: so you’re in favor of murdering children?
Stephanopoulos: no one is proposing that
Gingrich: The Government has a noted history of killing innocent people - just look at Iraq, Gitmo
and New Orleans
Stephanopoulos: are you totally insane?
Gingrich: the bill is 1,000 pages long - who knows if a plan for an American Auschwitz is buried on page 400 next to Unicorns for Liberals and making
Bigfoot a Senator??
Dean: oh I agree entirely
Stephanopoulos: [ put face in hands ]
Dean: I practiced medicine for years and the only bureaucrats killing people worked for health insurance companies
Gingrich: well of course how else do you expect them to make money - by just giving medical care to every person who walks through the door or
who has been paying premiums for years?
Dean: well maybe health care shouldn’t be based
on making a massive profit!!
Gingrich: see you want to put health insurers out of business and then people won’t have health insurance
Dean: they don’t have it now!
Gingrich: no, they have health insurance they just don’t have health care
Dean: oh for fuck’s sake
Gingrich: it’s Howard’s dirty time of the month
Dean: you're a loony
Stephanopoulos: thanks for watching everyone
********
Meet The Press - August 9, 2009
Meet The Press
August 9, 2009
Guests:
James L. Jones - U.S. National Security Adviser
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Cory Booker - Mayor of Newark
*********************
Gregory: Tell me about Kim Jong-Il - is he as crazy as I’ve heard?
Jones: Bill Clinton reports that he had a conversation with him and he’s actually less insane than Sarah Palin
Gregory: but he has nuclear weapons
Jones: all we want is for the nutjob North Koreans to rejoin the little happy family of warlike nations
Gregory: any chances of that happening?
Jones: no
Gregory: Whose idea was it to send The Big Dog to Korea?
Jones: Kim Jong Il said if Bill Clinton agreed to come to my country and give me some tips on women he would let the journalists go
Gregory: it’s a win-win
Jones: he has a man-crush on Bubba
Gregory: I know how that is - I love Karl Rove
Jones: ick
Gregory: Henry Kissinger says this sends a signal a visit from Bill Clinton proves that Korea is accepted by all great nations
Jones: hey the Big Dog is visited Little Rock High School and no one wants Arkansas to have nukes either
Gregory: it’s like a J.L. Rowling book - Barack Obama and Power of the Clenis
Jones: the Clenis recently killed 2 terrorists in Pakistan
Gregory: I feel safer already
Gregory: what’s the endgame in Afghanistan?
Jones: Total security, safety, economic prosperity and rebuilding the country so people will love living there
Cory Booker: Jesus I’d like to see that in Newark
Jones: Cory I’m not a miracle worker
Gregory: what about those American hikers in Iran
Jones: don’t get me started those idiots
Gregory: how do you deal with Ahmedinejad?
Jones: Clenis
Gregory: Al Qaeda?
Jones: Clenis
Gregory: world hunger?
Jones: Clenis
[ break ]
Gregory: wow the airspace over the Hudson river is a fucking free--for-all!
Bloomberg: yeah but the good news is now that we know you can land a jet in the river it’s like a having a 4th airport
Gregory: Holy shit Cory the jobless rate in Newark is off the hook
Booker: true but our hope to create a whole new Green economy in Newark
Gregory: like how?
Booker: solar panels, double pane windows, and tilting at windmills
Bloomberg: let me just say in defense of Cory that Newark sucks
Booker: hey
Bloomberg: we set aside a few billion for a rainy day fund
Gregory: and has that helped New York city?
Bloomberg: I was talking about my family
Gregory: has the stimulus helped America?
Bloomberg: yes but it will take more than that to recover from the Bush economy
Gregory: should I condemn Obama for breaking his promise not to raise taxes or bash him for not raising taxes?
Booker: how the hell should I know - I’m trying to compete with Mumbai and 3 hospitals just closed!
Gregory: so you are saying that Obama should raises taxes on the middle class?
Booker: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: is Obama a terrible President for refusing to raise middle class taxes for which I could then attack him?
Bloomberg: I know it kills you to hear this Greggers, but Obama is going a good job
Gregory: so I hear you saying Obama should raise taxes on the poor
Bloomberg: whatever fluffyhead
Gregory: so we must raise taxes on people other than me and rich friends
Bloomberg: we could also cut defense and health spending
Gregory: that’s crazy talk
Gregory: How can you defeat the NRA - they have all the guns!
Bloomberg: the NRA has $50 million and I have $15 billion
Gregory: whoa
Booker: I’m not concerned about the law-abiding hunters - I’m worried about terrorists buying rocket launchers
Gregory: talk to me about my favorite pet issue: the swine flu
Bloomberg: suck it up Greggers - I’m exposed to much worse every day on the subway
Booker: forget the sniffles - kids today are too fat
Gregory: Bloom you want to be Mayor for Life
Bloomberg: that’s how I roll
Gregory: Cory Booker says you should shave your head
Bloomberg: I’m down with the homies
Booker: I endorsed Bloomberg even though he’s a Republican or Democrat or whatever he is this week
Gregory: Cory why is Corzine losing?
Booker: look the Bush economy sucks and we will hang George W. Bush around Christie’s neck until it sinks him
Gregory: I never covered protests of the war but wow look at these crazy people protesting health care reform!
[ shows tapes of right-wing lunatics ]
Brooks: wow I never heard Rush compare people to Nazis - Limbaugh really is insane
Gregory: have you been living in cave Brooksie?
Brooks: but Obama could have avoided all this if only he had done everything the insurance industry wanted
Gregory: that is so sad
Brooks: it’s tragic
Gregory: [high pitched voice] people are really concerned about reform!
Burnett: the American people want arbitrary bipartisan health care reform - it doesn’t matter what it does
Gregory: of course
Burnett: people really want costs cut - also they are terrified that Obama will cut costs
Meacham: it’s all Obama’s fault that people are calling him Hitler
Gregory: Sarah Palin objects to having her baby killed by a death panel
Brooks: oh sure, make the GOP look bad by citing a few fringe crazy people the Republican vice presidental nominee
Gregory: Obama is going to reframe this as defending patients against insurers
Meacham: that could work
Gregory: unemployment is getting better!
Burnett: while it is true that Obama is doing better than could possibly be hoped - it’s terrible we don’t yet have a plan for the year 2012!
Brooks: Obama should have cut taxes instead he had this complex stimulus bill which costs a lot - he knows nothing about economics like I do
Gregory: he did Cash For Clunkers which is a success
Brooks: that was great - but cutting taxes magically doesn’t add to the debt so he should have done that instead
Burnett: no Cash For Clunkers sucks too because it isn’t perfect
Gregory: Wow Bill Clinton rescued those journalists and hugged Al gore
Meacham: Clinton and Gore are gay ha ha ha ha
Gregory: hee hee
Meacham: North Korea is an enemy of epic proportions!
Gregory: wow!
Meacham: also we need the Clenis to rescue a Newsweek correspondent
Gregory: I’m sure he’ll get right on that considering your coverage of his Whitewater and Monica
Meacham: oh shit
Gregory: Brooks what’s the answer in North Korea?
Brooks: we need to violently overthrow the whole regime
Gregory: I love it when a Republican who would lose a fight to Dakota Fanning talk tough
Brooks: [sings] I’m bad, I’m bad!
Gregory: and that’s all from this edition of meet the press
August 9, 2009
Guests:
James L. Jones - U.S. National Security Adviser
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Cory Booker - Mayor of Newark
*********************
Gregory: Tell me about Kim Jong-Il - is he as crazy as I’ve heard?
Jones: Bill Clinton reports that he had a conversation with him and he’s actually less insane than Sarah Palin
Gregory: but he has nuclear weapons
Jones: all we want is for the nutjob North Koreans to rejoin the little happy family of warlike nations
Gregory: any chances of that happening?
Jones: no
Gregory: Whose idea was it to send The Big Dog to Korea?
Jones: Kim Jong Il said if Bill Clinton agreed to come to my country and give me some tips on women he would let the journalists go
Gregory: it’s a win-win
Jones: he has a man-crush on Bubba
Gregory: I know how that is - I love Karl Rove
Jones: ick
Gregory: Henry Kissinger says this sends a signal a visit from Bill Clinton proves that Korea is accepted by all great nations
Jones: hey the Big Dog is visited Little Rock High School and no one wants Arkansas to have nukes either
Gregory: it’s like a J.L. Rowling book - Barack Obama and Power of the Clenis
Jones: the Clenis recently killed 2 terrorists in Pakistan
Gregory: I feel safer already
Gregory: what’s the endgame in Afghanistan?
Jones: Total security, safety, economic prosperity and rebuilding the country so people will love living there
Cory Booker: Jesus I’d like to see that in Newark
Jones: Cory I’m not a miracle worker
Gregory: what about those American hikers in Iran
Jones: don’t get me started those idiots
Gregory: how do you deal with Ahmedinejad?
Jones: Clenis
Gregory: Al Qaeda?
Jones: Clenis
Gregory: world hunger?
Jones: Clenis
[ break ]
Gregory: wow the airspace over the Hudson river is a fucking free--for-all!
Bloomberg: yeah but the good news is now that we know you can land a jet in the river it’s like a having a 4th airport
Gregory: Holy shit Cory the jobless rate in Newark is off the hook
Booker: true but our hope to create a whole new Green economy in Newark
Gregory: like how?
Booker: solar panels, double pane windows, and tilting at windmills
Bloomberg: let me just say in defense of Cory that Newark sucks
Booker: hey
Bloomberg: we set aside a few billion for a rainy day fund
Gregory: and has that helped New York city?
Bloomberg: I was talking about my family
Gregory: has the stimulus helped America?
Bloomberg: yes but it will take more than that to recover from the Bush economy
Gregory: should I condemn Obama for breaking his promise not to raise taxes or bash him for not raising taxes?
Booker: how the hell should I know - I’m trying to compete with Mumbai and 3 hospitals just closed!
Gregory: so you are saying that Obama should raises taxes on the middle class?
Booker: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: is Obama a terrible President for refusing to raise middle class taxes for which I could then attack him?
Bloomberg: I know it kills you to hear this Greggers, but Obama is going a good job
Gregory: so I hear you saying Obama should raise taxes on the poor
Bloomberg: whatever fluffyhead
Gregory: so we must raise taxes on people other than me and rich friends
Bloomberg: we could also cut defense and health spending
Gregory: that’s crazy talk
Gregory: How can you defeat the NRA - they have all the guns!
Bloomberg: the NRA has $50 million and I have $15 billion
Gregory: whoa
Booker: I’m not concerned about the law-abiding hunters - I’m worried about terrorists buying rocket launchers
Gregory: talk to me about my favorite pet issue: the swine flu
Bloomberg: suck it up Greggers - I’m exposed to much worse every day on the subway
Booker: forget the sniffles - kids today are too fat
Gregory: Bloom you want to be Mayor for Life
Bloomberg: that’s how I roll
Gregory: Cory Booker says you should shave your head
Bloomberg: I’m down with the homies
Booker: I endorsed Bloomberg even though he’s a Republican or Democrat or whatever he is this week
Gregory: Cory why is Corzine losing?
Booker: look the Bush economy sucks and we will hang George W. Bush around Christie’s neck until it sinks him
Gregory: I never covered protests of the war but wow look at these crazy people protesting health care reform!
[ shows tapes of right-wing lunatics ]
Brooks: wow I never heard Rush compare people to Nazis - Limbaugh really is insane
Gregory: have you been living in cave Brooksie?
Brooks: but Obama could have avoided all this if only he had done everything the insurance industry wanted
Gregory: that is so sad
Brooks: it’s tragic
Gregory: [high pitched voice] people are really concerned about reform!
Burnett: the American people want arbitrary bipartisan health care reform - it doesn’t matter what it does
Gregory: of course
Burnett: people really want costs cut - also they are terrified that Obama will cut costs
Meacham: it’s all Obama’s fault that people are calling him Hitler
Gregory: Sarah Palin objects to having her baby killed by a death panel
Brooks: oh sure, make the GOP look bad by citing a few fringe crazy people the Republican vice presidental nominee
Gregory: Obama is going to reframe this as defending patients against insurers
Meacham: that could work
Gregory: unemployment is getting better!
Burnett: while it is true that Obama is doing better than could possibly be hoped - it’s terrible we don’t yet have a plan for the year 2012!
Brooks: Obama should have cut taxes instead he had this complex stimulus bill which costs a lot - he knows nothing about economics like I do
Gregory: he did Cash For Clunkers which is a success
Brooks: that was great - but cutting taxes magically doesn’t add to the debt so he should have done that instead
Burnett: no Cash For Clunkers sucks too because it isn’t perfect
Gregory: Wow Bill Clinton rescued those journalists and hugged Al gore
Meacham: Clinton and Gore are gay ha ha ha ha
Gregory: hee hee
Meacham: North Korea is an enemy of epic proportions!
Gregory: wow!
Meacham: also we need the Clenis to rescue a Newsweek correspondent
Gregory: I’m sure he’ll get right on that considering your coverage of his Whitewater and Monica
Meacham: oh shit
Gregory: Brooks what’s the answer in North Korea?
Brooks: we need to violently overthrow the whole regime
Gregory: I love it when a Republican who would lose a fight to Dakota Fanning talk tough
Brooks: [sings] I’m bad, I’m bad!
Gregory: and that’s all from this edition of meet the press
The Chris Matthews Show - August 9, 2009
*******************
Matthews: OMG Republicans say Obama was born in a Muslim area of Kenya
Heileman: wow!
Matthews: did Obama open the door to being called a muslim-racist by nominating Sonia Sotomayor and saying Harvard professors shouldn’t be arrested for being falsely accused of burglary?
Heileman: Yes Obama gave his critics a permission slip to being called Adolf Hitler
Stengel: all these crazy slurs are the fault of the internet, YouTube, and Twitter - it’s the Heisenberg principle - when you view them you realize they are batshit insane
Parker: calm down - one guy creates a picture of Obama with a bone in his nose and suddenly everyone makes a big deal about it
Matthews: what are the cute little crackers in the south saying Kathleen?
Parker: People in the south are not racist - they just hate Obama because he’s black and call him a nigger
Matthews: that makes sense
Regan: Because unemployment is 9.4% people suddenly realized Obama is black
Heileman: Obama just can’t create a positive message for health care reform since people are out there screaming about how wonderful insurance bureaucrats are
Stengel: people love their health insurance - they don’t like Obama
Matthews: but if we have unemployment shouldn’t health reform be popular?
Parker: yes but we have a bad economy so naturally people don’t cheaper and better health care
Heileman: exactly people are terrified of losing their current health care so they don’t want the system reformed
Matthews: ah of course
Matthews: are the Iroquois going to go after Obama??
Heileman: people are angry at losing their jobsm health care and position in the world and they are taking their anger out on Barack Obama
Parker: they crazies are running the Republican party - it’s their baby now
Matthews: what happens when Obama fails on the economy - will they claim he’s from another planet?
Regan: I got a head’s up - they will argue he’s another species
Stengel: i don’t think he’s going to fail on the economy Chris
Matthews: Nixon / Palin 2012!
Stengel: Nixon was the awesomest guy ever - which proves that Obama can overcome the scandals in his past - such as being born in a radical British Indonesian muslim cult in the Congo
Parker: Nixon had great dignity like Sarah Palin - they both quit for the good of the country
Matthews: Bill Clinton is going to be a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!
Regan: the image of Clinton saving those girls in Korea it made me cry and then I remembered the blowjob and I hated him again
Matthews: can the Clintons ever come back to political success?
Heileman: um she’s the U.S. Secretary of State and Alaska his going to be renamed ‘Clintonland’
Matthews: who was a better President - Nixon or Clinton?
Parker: Nixon because he opened China and helped usher in a wonderful new era of burglaries, bugging, firebombing and murder
Heileman: exactly - how can the Clenis compete with that?
Matthews: tell me something I don’t know!
Regan: Obama has saved the economy - now I’m worried inflation is going to be out of control
Stengel: Obama is an obsessive and honest golfer
Parker: Palin is going win the nomination which scares Democrats and terrifies Republicans
Heileman: New York Governor Paterson will not run again
Matthews: why not?
Heileman: Because Andy Cuomo is widely disliked but the guy has balls of steel
Matthews: OMG Republicans say Obama was born in a Muslim area of Kenya
Heileman: wow!
Matthews: did Obama open the door to being called a muslim-racist by nominating Sonia Sotomayor and saying Harvard professors shouldn’t be arrested for being falsely accused of burglary?
Heileman: Yes Obama gave his critics a permission slip to being called Adolf Hitler
Stengel: all these crazy slurs are the fault of the internet, YouTube, and Twitter - it’s the Heisenberg principle - when you view them you realize they are batshit insane
Parker: calm down - one guy creates a picture of Obama with a bone in his nose and suddenly everyone makes a big deal about it
Matthews: what are the cute little crackers in the south saying Kathleen?
Parker: People in the south are not racist - they just hate Obama because he’s black and call him a nigger
Matthews: that makes sense
Regan: Because unemployment is 9.4% people suddenly realized Obama is black
Heileman: Obama just can’t create a positive message for health care reform since people are out there screaming about how wonderful insurance bureaucrats are
Stengel: people love their health insurance - they don’t like Obama
Matthews: but if we have unemployment shouldn’t health reform be popular?
Parker: yes but we have a bad economy so naturally people don’t cheaper and better health care
Heileman: exactly people are terrified of losing their current health care so they don’t want the system reformed
Matthews: ah of course
Matthews: are the Iroquois going to go after Obama??
Heileman: people are angry at losing their jobsm health care and position in the world and they are taking their anger out on Barack Obama
Parker: they crazies are running the Republican party - it’s their baby now
Matthews: what happens when Obama fails on the economy - will they claim he’s from another planet?
Regan: I got a head’s up - they will argue he’s another species
Stengel: i don’t think he’s going to fail on the economy Chris
Matthews: Nixon / Palin 2012!
Stengel: Nixon was the awesomest guy ever - which proves that Obama can overcome the scandals in his past - such as being born in a radical British Indonesian muslim cult in the Congo
Parker: Nixon had great dignity like Sarah Palin - they both quit for the good of the country
Matthews: Bill Clinton is going to be a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!
Regan: the image of Clinton saving those girls in Korea it made me cry and then I remembered the blowjob and I hated him again
Matthews: can the Clintons ever come back to political success?
Heileman: um she’s the U.S. Secretary of State and Alaska his going to be renamed ‘Clintonland’
Matthews: who was a better President - Nixon or Clinton?
Parker: Nixon because he opened China and helped usher in a wonderful new era of burglaries, bugging, firebombing and murder
Heileman: exactly - how can the Clenis compete with that?
Matthews: tell me something I don’t know!
Regan: Obama has saved the economy - now I’m worried inflation is going to be out of control
Stengel: Obama is an obsessive and honest golfer
Parker: Palin is going win the nomination which scares Democrats and terrifies Republicans
Heileman: New York Governor Paterson will not run again
Matthews: why not?
Heileman: Because Andy Cuomo is widely disliked but the guy has balls of steel
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Meet The Press - Larry Summers, August 2, 2009
Meet The Press
August 2, 2009
Guests:
Larry Summers
Harold Ford
JC Watts
***************
Gregory: Larry is the recession over?
Summers: remember we were looking at another great Depression and now the rate at which we are losing jobs is high but declining
Gregory: yippee?
Summers: the stimulus and cash for clunkers programs are working great and it’s all due to my and Timmy and that Obama dude
Gregory: when do I feel rich again?
Summers: most professional forecasters predict slow growth for the next few years
Gregory: when do jobs come back
Summers: that lags, so maybe 2017
Gregory: will you extend unemployment benefits?
Summers: hell we’ll hire them all if we have to
Gregory: doing what?
Summers: hosting white house beer parties
Gregory: will you make the banks start lending -
after all you gave them free billions
Summers: we will write them strongly-worded letters
Gregory: Larry you signed the stimulus in February and yet still unemployment has rose into July!
Summers: David will all due respect that is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard
Gregory: but I have a high-pitched panicky voice
Summers: you’re moron and a liar too fluffyhead
Gregory: wait is fair to call me a liar when I
have such nice hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Summers: yes it is because you are dumb
as a stump
Gregory: you call me a liar but 2 million jobs have been lost
Summers: look we didn’t know just how bad a President Bush was - that has nothing to do with the fucking stimulus you stupid shithead
Gregory: so will the stimulus plan create four million jobs or not?
Summers: no it will save 4 million jobs that would have been lost if the plan had not been enacted so we count everyone how has a job who might have been laid off
Gregory: since I am suddenly worried abut the debt will you cut spending?
Summers: we’re going for the big money which in
this country is spending on health
Gregory: no I meant the stimulus which actually helps people
Summers: then the answer is no
you Republican shill
Greogry: but but but
Summers: no we’re not going to repeal painting schools or solar energy
Gregory: can there ever be growth with
this level of debt?
Summers: cutting the deficit in half is easy - just computerize medical records, grab money from overseas and tax blow dryers
Gregory: oh no!
Summers: just kidding there Greggers
Gregory: Do we need another stimulus bill?
Summers: hey we’re barely got the party started on the first one
Gregory: [ puts on party hat ]
Summers: we’ve got to stick the plan that’s working
Gregory: there’s growing public opposition to health care reform
Summers: oh really - prove it
Gregory: well that’s what all-American groups
like the RNC says
Summers: hey dumbass four Committees have voted out a health reform bill
Gregory: but Obama is losing the argument
Summers: [ leans over, punches Gregory
in the face ]
Gregory: Ow that hurt!
Summers: listen fool Bush passed a huge drug benefit bill
in secret and never even tried to pay for it
Gregory: but the CBO says you’re health plan doesn’t turn a profit - but what about the deficit deficit deficit
Summers: hey we’re being conservative and fiscally responsible compared to Nixon, or Regan or Bush I or Bush II - we’re being scrutinized more than President ever
Gregory: well sure you’re Democrats
Gregory: are the big banks socially responsible?
Summers: for soulless greedy destructive satanic
entities they’re doing very well
Gregory: well I feel better
Gregory: would you like to be Chair of the Federal Reserve
Summers: if I were I could roll around in giant piles of money - so yes
Gregory: wheeee
Gregory: How is Obama doing?
Ford: He’s doing fucking great!
Gregory: but all political fights have not gone away!
Watts: the American people are angry that
only 10% of the stimulus has been spent
Ford: oh bullshit JC
Gregory: the President’s poll numbers are down!
Balz: in fairness he’s trying to solve all of Bush’s problems
Gregory: well he sucks
Balz: I talked to 12 people in Maryland and they have concerns that we still have not nuked Iran
Gregory: I can’t believe we still have continuing debate about the role of government!
Johnson: I have a key insight - people want a government that works
Ford: Max Baucus has an awesome bill - we have to push this bill or the GOP wins
Watts: the people are very worried about cap and trade and also we don’t the government to come between the sacred relationship between a patient and their health insurance adjuster
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Watts: people have to stop eating food
and drinking water
Johnson: it took the assassination of JFK, RFK, King, and Malcom X to enact Medicare
Gregory: if only Obama was more like John Edwards he might have been elected President
Balz: Obama is trying to find the right way to sell a good, efficient, money-saving life-giving, health care system
Gregory: wow who can possibly do that?
Johnson: Obama is cool but he can also be a fiery black man when he is pushed and that’s dangerous
Ford: Look people hated George W. Bush but the country is still the same - a bunch of petty greedy people who need to be told they are going to die if they don’t enact the President’s plan
Gregory: hey look I just noticed JC Wats and Harold Ford are black
Watts: yeah sure you did white man
Balz: did you know that Obama is black?
Gregory: no!
Balz: no really - the President’s choice to come out as a black man at his press conference was an interesting one
Ford: I’m not black
Gregory: really because it thought you wer-
Ford: nope
Watts: hey I was the only black man in the Republican Congress I know what uncomfortable is!
Gregory: how can I help with a Republican comeback and defeat Obama
Balz: Hopefully the GOP can win in New Jersey and then we can hope the economy is bad in 2010 and that will help - on the other hand they are leaderless and have no ideas
Gregory: why did they choose Sarah Palin
Johnson: it was a reach around that failed
Gregory: Palin / Watts 2012?
Watts: Man Dancin' Dave I heard you were a moron but I didn’t know you were crazy too
*********************
August 2, 2009
Guests:
Larry Summers
Harold Ford
JC Watts
***************
Gregory: Larry is the recession over?
Summers: remember we were looking at another great Depression and now the rate at which we are losing jobs is high but declining
Gregory: yippee?
Summers: the stimulus and cash for clunkers programs are working great and it’s all due to my and Timmy and that Obama dude
Gregory: when do I feel rich again?
Summers: most professional forecasters predict slow growth for the next few years
Gregory: when do jobs come back
Summers: that lags, so maybe 2017
Gregory: will you extend unemployment benefits?
Summers: hell we’ll hire them all if we have to
Gregory: doing what?
Summers: hosting white house beer parties
Gregory: will you make the banks start lending -
after all you gave them free billions
Summers: we will write them strongly-worded letters
Gregory: Larry you signed the stimulus in February and yet still unemployment has rose into July!
Summers: David will all due respect that is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard
Gregory: but I have a high-pitched panicky voice
Summers: you’re moron and a liar too fluffyhead
Gregory: wait is fair to call me a liar when I
have such nice hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Summers: yes it is because you are dumb
as a stump
Gregory: you call me a liar but 2 million jobs have been lost
Summers: look we didn’t know just how bad a President Bush was - that has nothing to do with the fucking stimulus you stupid shithead
Gregory: so will the stimulus plan create four million jobs or not?
Summers: no it will save 4 million jobs that would have been lost if the plan had not been enacted so we count everyone how has a job who might have been laid off
Gregory: since I am suddenly worried abut the debt will you cut spending?
Summers: we’re going for the big money which in
this country is spending on health
Gregory: no I meant the stimulus which actually helps people
Summers: then the answer is no
you Republican shill
Greogry: but but but
Summers: no we’re not going to repeal painting schools or solar energy
Gregory: can there ever be growth with
this level of debt?
Summers: cutting the deficit in half is easy - just computerize medical records, grab money from overseas and tax blow dryers
Gregory: oh no!
Summers: just kidding there Greggers
Gregory: Do we need another stimulus bill?
Summers: hey we’re barely got the party started on the first one
Gregory: [ puts on party hat ]
Summers: we’ve got to stick the plan that’s working
Gregory: there’s growing public opposition to health care reform
Summers: oh really - prove it
Gregory: well that’s what all-American groups
like the RNC says
Summers: hey dumbass four Committees have voted out a health reform bill
Gregory: but Obama is losing the argument
Summers: [ leans over, punches Gregory
in the face ]
Gregory: Ow that hurt!
Summers: listen fool Bush passed a huge drug benefit bill
in secret and never even tried to pay for it
Gregory: but the CBO says you’re health plan doesn’t turn a profit - but what about the deficit deficit deficit
Summers: hey we’re being conservative and fiscally responsible compared to Nixon, or Regan or Bush I or Bush II - we’re being scrutinized more than President ever
Gregory: well sure you’re Democrats
Gregory: are the big banks socially responsible?
Summers: for soulless greedy destructive satanic
entities they’re doing very well
Gregory: well I feel better
Gregory: would you like to be Chair of the Federal Reserve
Summers: if I were I could roll around in giant piles of money - so yes
Gregory: wheeee
Gregory: How is Obama doing?
Ford: He’s doing fucking great!
Gregory: but all political fights have not gone away!
Watts: the American people are angry that
only 10% of the stimulus has been spent
Ford: oh bullshit JC
Gregory: the President’s poll numbers are down!
Balz: in fairness he’s trying to solve all of Bush’s problems
Gregory: well he sucks
Balz: I talked to 12 people in Maryland and they have concerns that we still have not nuked Iran
Gregory: I can’t believe we still have continuing debate about the role of government!
Johnson: I have a key insight - people want a government that works
Ford: Max Baucus has an awesome bill - we have to push this bill or the GOP wins
Watts: the people are very worried about cap and trade and also we don’t the government to come between the sacred relationship between a patient and their health insurance adjuster
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Watts: people have to stop eating food
and drinking water
Johnson: it took the assassination of JFK, RFK, King, and Malcom X to enact Medicare
Gregory: if only Obama was more like John Edwards he might have been elected President
Balz: Obama is trying to find the right way to sell a good, efficient, money-saving life-giving, health care system
Gregory: wow who can possibly do that?
Johnson: Obama is cool but he can also be a fiery black man when he is pushed and that’s dangerous
Ford: Look people hated George W. Bush but the country is still the same - a bunch of petty greedy people who need to be told they are going to die if they don’t enact the President’s plan
Gregory: hey look I just noticed JC Wats and Harold Ford are black
Watts: yeah sure you did white man
Balz: did you know that Obama is black?
Gregory: no!
Balz: no really - the President’s choice to come out as a black man at his press conference was an interesting one
Ford: I’m not black
Gregory: really because it thought you wer-
Ford: nope
Watts: hey I was the only black man in the Republican Congress I know what uncomfortable is!
Gregory: how can I help with a Republican comeback and defeat Obama
Balz: Hopefully the GOP can win in New Jersey and then we can hope the economy is bad in 2010 and that will help - on the other hand they are leaderless and have no ideas
Gregory: why did they choose Sarah Palin
Johnson: it was a reach around that failed
Gregory: Palin / Watts 2012?
Watts: Man Dancin' Dave I heard you were a moron but I didn’t know you were crazy too
*********************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos, August 2 - Guest: Tim Geithner
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 2, 2009
Guest: Tim Geithner
Stephanopoulos: Timmy is the recession over?
Geithner: if I do say so myself I a most excellent miracle worker
Stephanopoulos: so you’re done
Geithner: no we want people to have a McNugget in every pot
Stephanopoulos: but people still are unemployed
Geithner: first we’re going to have growth and then people will start spending and companies will start making stuff and then unemployment ends around 2013
Stephanopoulos: sounds good - so what should I be worried about?
Geithner: a Republican comeback
Stephanopoulos: 1 million people are about to lose their jobless benefits
Geithner: sucks to be them
Stephanopoulos: you’re spending too much and the U.S. is taking on too much debt
Geithner: hey we inherited a 1.3 trillion debt and all we got to show for it was a craptacular war
Stephanopoulos: will you raise taxes?
Geithner: yes, as soon as America is rich enough again to afford it
Stephanopoulos: when will that be?
Geithner: Eleventy-never
Stephanopoulos: but America is broke!
Geithner: look people if you want a growing economy we have to raise taxes to lower the debts that Republicans are always going on about!
Stephanopoulos: will you enact health care reform that will please liberals like Grassley and conservatives like Max Baucus?
Geithner: momma always said congress is like a box of chocolates
Stephanopoulos: what does that mean?
Geithner: it means you can bite them all and it will make you sick
Stephanopoulos: stupid as stupid does
Geithner: right
Stephanopoulos: Talk TARP to me, savant
Geithner: it’s going great - I made a $6 billion profit
Stephanopoulos: but has credit loosed up?
Geithner: here’s ten bucks George
[ hands him $10]
Stephanopoulos: thanks Tim
Geithner: definitely ten dollars definitely ten
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: Alan you presided over the worst economy since the Goths sacked Rome
Greenspan: yse but giving away free billions to rich banks was a great idea
Stephanopoulos: what else
Greenspan: making stock investors rich because that trickles down to the little guy
Stephanopoulos: did cash for clunkers work?
Greenspan: I love the concept of trading in old inefficient destructive duds
Stephanopoulos: can we trade you in?
Greenspan: can I have some pudding?
Stephanopoulos: what about housing prices?
Greenspan: I think we have some underlying possibilities of potential things happening
Stephanopoulos: you’re delightfully cryptic
Greenspan: I’m chance the gardner I like to watch tv
Stephanopoulos: awesome Chauncey
Greenspan: I am optimistic with many caveats
Stephanopoulos: Should we raise taxes?
Greenspan: if we really want to save money we should force all baby boomers live on a commune in upstate New York
Stephanopoulos: they might like that
Greenspan: they can bring those crazy rock and roll records with them
Stephanopoulos: Should we have a value added tax?
Greenspan: the beauty is it raises money without overly impacting rich people
Stephanopoulos: what do you see in the future
Greenspan: there’s a lot of latent liquidity in the system
Stephanopoulos: so we have to raise interest rates?
Greenspan: I was talking about my prostate
****************
August 2, 2009
Guest: Tim Geithner
Stephanopoulos: Timmy is the recession over?
Geithner: if I do say so myself I a most excellent miracle worker
Stephanopoulos: so you’re done
Geithner: no we want people to have a McNugget in every pot
Stephanopoulos: but people still are unemployed
Geithner: first we’re going to have growth and then people will start spending and companies will start making stuff and then unemployment ends around 2013
Stephanopoulos: sounds good - so what should I be worried about?
Geithner: a Republican comeback
Stephanopoulos: 1 million people are about to lose their jobless benefits
Geithner: sucks to be them
Stephanopoulos: you’re spending too much and the U.S. is taking on too much debt
Geithner: hey we inherited a 1.3 trillion debt and all we got to show for it was a craptacular war
Stephanopoulos: will you raise taxes?
Geithner: yes, as soon as America is rich enough again to afford it
Stephanopoulos: when will that be?
Geithner: Eleventy-never
Stephanopoulos: but America is broke!
Geithner: look people if you want a growing economy we have to raise taxes to lower the debts that Republicans are always going on about!
Stephanopoulos: will you enact health care reform that will please liberals like Grassley and conservatives like Max Baucus?
Geithner: momma always said congress is like a box of chocolates
Stephanopoulos: what does that mean?
Geithner: it means you can bite them all and it will make you sick
Stephanopoulos: stupid as stupid does
Geithner: right
Stephanopoulos: Talk TARP to me, savant
Geithner: it’s going great - I made a $6 billion profit
Stephanopoulos: but has credit loosed up?
Geithner: here’s ten bucks George
[ hands him $10]
Stephanopoulos: thanks Tim
Geithner: definitely ten dollars definitely ten
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: Alan you presided over the worst economy since the Goths sacked Rome
Greenspan: yse but giving away free billions to rich banks was a great idea
Stephanopoulos: what else
Greenspan: making stock investors rich because that trickles down to the little guy
Stephanopoulos: did cash for clunkers work?
Greenspan: I love the concept of trading in old inefficient destructive duds
Stephanopoulos: can we trade you in?
Greenspan: can I have some pudding?
Stephanopoulos: what about housing prices?
Greenspan: I think we have some underlying possibilities of potential things happening
Stephanopoulos: you’re delightfully cryptic
Greenspan: I’m chance the gardner I like to watch tv
Stephanopoulos: awesome Chauncey
Greenspan: I am optimistic with many caveats
Stephanopoulos: Should we raise taxes?
Greenspan: if we really want to save money we should force all baby boomers live on a commune in upstate New York
Stephanopoulos: they might like that
Greenspan: they can bring those crazy rock and roll records with them
Stephanopoulos: Should we have a value added tax?
Greenspan: the beauty is it raises money without overly impacting rich people
Stephanopoulos: what do you see in the future
Greenspan: there’s a lot of latent liquidity in the system
Stephanopoulos: so we have to raise interest rates?
Greenspan: I was talking about my prostate
****************
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