Sunday, April 19, 2009

Meet the Press - April 19, 2009

Guest: Larry Summers

Gregory: so Larry are we lifting the Cuba embargo or what?

Summers: of course we are but first Obama has to let people get used to the idea which is inevitable

Gregory: but Castro is a commie!

Summers: yeah well so are China and Hanoi and Cambridge Massachusetts and we trade with them

Gregory: Obama shook hands with Chavez - is that appropriate since he is dark and swarthy?

Summers: look Obama is popular and other world leaders beg to be seen with him -- did you that dipshit Berlusconi camera hogging with Barack?

Gregory: Wall street vs. Main Steet!

Summers: look the important thing is that we give trillions in free money to three banks so they can start lending to the peons in the rest of America

Gregory: i agree

Summers: Obama is going to shatter Too Big to Fail and create many Too Little to Fails

Gregory: well look dood we've given away billions so where are the results??

Summers: blah blah blah positive indicators blah blah engine blah blah long way to go blah blah

Gregory: Noted ray of sunshine Paul Krugman says we're headed to a depression, fascism and a world war

Summers: he's right

Gregory: oh dear

Summers: we call a Depression an "adverse outcome"

Gregory: that's better

Summers: look Paul wants us to spend twice as much - well I invite him to get off the cover of Newsweek and get the Congress to approve it

Gregory: ok

Summers: Greggers we're using terms like "proactive" and "going forward" - what else can we do?

Gregory: sounds like you've covered all the bases

Gregory: we're down to out last $100 billion but I hear the banks need that much just for caviar!

Summers: ah well in that case they should seek new lenders or maybe cut back on fancy lunches

Gregory: well then banks don't want the free money if you're going to get crazy

Summers: oh no no no - they need to take our money or they might starve

Gregory: Obama has raised the deficit!!

Summers: Pheh

Gregory: Obama isn't really saving money because Bush was going to pull out of Iraq!!

Summers: sure he was - but he was going to invade Argentina in 2011

Gregory: really?

Summers: yes it's in Bush's memior: "My Years in the White House and my Plan to Invade Argentina"

Gregory: interesting

Gregory: Obama wants a universal health care plan that will cost a trillion dollars - where will all that money come from?

Summers: dood health isn't free now!

Gregory: sure it is

Summers: dear god i heard you were a moron

Gregory: Doc Summers the Teabaggers say even though you cut taxes someday you will have to raise taxes which will be bad

Summers: i'm not scared of the teabagging dick armey

Gregory: but you're raising taxes

Summers: no we're cutting taxes

Gregory: but a lot of Americans will see their taxes go up!!

Summers: no only people who make $250,000 a year

Gregory: but that's everyone I know!

Gregory: will Obama pledge never to raise taxes ever ever

Summers: shut the fuck up dancin' dave

Gregory: you used to be a debt hawk

Summers: well that was before

Gregory: oh i see

Summers: we need Americans to be leaner

Gregory: are you serious?

Summers: yup

Gregory: you want to free up credit - but it was irresponsible Americans that got us in trouble in the first place!

Summers: true it's a paradox - we need people to borrow for things like college instead of McMansions

Gregory: exciting

Summers: but first go out and spend!!!

[ break ]

Gregory: dick what the fuck is with the ridiculous teabagging parties

Armey: quite frankly Obama cut taxes but frankly I just discovered that since 1980 raising spending and cutting taxes is bad!!

Ford: fuck you

Armey: but it's inevitable that if you increase spending and debt you have to raise taxes!

Ford: what happened to supply-side economics?

Armey: never heard of it

Pearlstein: i just remembered since 1980 we have to live within our means

Gregory: do we really have to pay taxes or should we just use magic beans??

Easton: the non-existent tax increases are a real animating force for the GOP

Gregory: wow

Armey: we should raise taxes on the poor!!

Ford: um what the fuck dood?

Armey: i came on the defend the rich!

Ford: now we see the hypocrisy inherent in the system!

Stengel: Obama wants to bring America back to an era of thrift

Gregory: but where is the money going to come from??

Pearlstein: some of what Obama is proposing in investment

Armey: the government is just too big - I hate government

Gregory: which part

Armey: well look at the failure of Republican administrations - doesn't that prove government can't work??

Ford: you should donate your brain to the Center for Crazy-Ass studies

Gregory: Time magazine says the Person of the Year is” The Cheapskate”

Stengel: the top 10% of Americans of doing a Re-Set and not buying bottled water from Iceland

Gregory: it's the new frugality!!

Easton: everyone just realized that Reagan, Bush and Bush we're all total fucktards

Dave: oh well America had a good run there

Easton: the key to recovery is to hand free billions to banks - the Left is mad about that

Gregory: well the teabaggers say that too

Easton: no Dave, they're stone cold racists

Pearlstein: look rich white men will always steal the money - get over it!

Stengel: i love unemployed people they're so cuddly and good for a cover story

Ford: bobby jindal put it best - Obama is a secret Vulcan

Gregory: let's talk torture - will telling the truth weaken America?

Armey: oh sure - why smack Bush around?

Gregory: well it's legal now!

Stengel: Nelson Mandela would ignore all this

Ford: the past is the past - let's not argue about how used insects on who

Gregory: interesting

Easton: i expect we will get a DeSantis letter from a CIA officer saying "Dear Obama I quit!"

Armey: this was a political act to make Bush look bad - not that torture is bad - but if it were then Obama is bad for revealing it even thought it's not bad

Gregory: right


Jesus X. Crutch said...

I thought Casey Stengel was dead.

Ali said...

This one's verbatim, right?

commie atheist said...

Why aren't you famous yet? You are consistently the funniest blogger out there.

Keep up the good work.

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