Thursday, April 17, 2008

Democratic Debate - ABC - April 16, 2008

Democratic Debate
Philadelphia, PA
April 16, 2008
Senator Barack Obama
Senator Hillary Clinton

Charlie Gibson: Hi I am out-of-touch elderly white millionaire Charlie “my damm capital gains taxes are too high” Gibson and this is my young sidekick George “kool aid” Stephanpolous welcome to this shitty debate and we’ll start with opening apologies:

Barack Obama: i've been traveling across this pathetic hick state for 5 weeks and hearing about their shitty lives and its fucking sad - i'm running for president to get away from all this shit

Hillary Clinton: We meet here in Philadelphia where a bunch of white guys hoped that the promise of America would be open to other white men

[ yay! ]

Clinton: let's face it - America sucks but if you elect me i will try to make it suck a little less and i have a 25 point plan laid on my website

Gibson: Governor Cuomo has suggested that you guys try really, really hard to win but that you pledge to take the other as your running mate and that Hillary meekly accept it

Obama: Mario Cuomo? Jeebus, what did milli vanilli and mc hammer have to say?

Gibson: Milli Vanilli support you and mc hammer supports Hillary

Obama: well anyway that's a stupid question

Clinton: hey i could still win

Gibson: if it was good enough for Jefferson to take Aaron Burr as his Veep why shouldn't Obama take you on?

Obama: yeah this should work out about as well

Clinton: i can still win!!!

Gibson: okay i better let this go

Gibson: let us address what you said in a conference call - it's very important for you to admit you have contempt for gun-toting bible reading white trash

Obama: okay dude - these rubes are told for decade after decade that things will get better and they never do - so they cling to their crappy church and the penis-substitute and hating on gays

Gibson: well I'm glad you explained it now its all clear

Clinton: my grandfather was from Scrappy, Pennsylvania and he worked at Dunder Mifflin when he was only 9 years old and he carried a gun to work - but not because he hated the government - but because he hoped one day i would run for president and i would be able to say i too had a lunatic for a relative just like the smalll-town jackasses whose votes i need

Stephanoplous: Hillary can Obama beat McCain - yes or no

Clinton: of course he can't - Obama is a black elitist young skinny black snob with no experience except of course being a black cocaine dealer who grew up in a black neighborhood

Steph: so Obama can't win?

Clinton: well if you insist i will pretend i think so

Obama: she can win and so can i - unlike Hillary i actually go to church and have a Rev. Right in my life and i have a lot of gun owners in my life like when i was dealing crack i knew a lot of people with guns

Steph: she says you're a snob

Obama: for example i would never bring up the story about how she dissed stay-at-home mothers mocking them for baking cookies i thought it was very sad that it made her look like a bitch - see i would never do that

Clinton: i never attacked Obama - only what he said -- and i speak for the unwashed masses who were deeply offended by Obama calling all white people crackers sent by Satan - i respect people, unlike Hussein X over there

Gibson: Rev Right calls all white people devils - i assume you agree with that - my question is will you fly Air Force One into the Mormon Tabernacle or the Astrodome?

Obama: listen honky - i have answered this fucking question a dozen times and people have been voting for me as a big Fuck You to the narrow minded pinheads in the media - people like you you white man

Gibson: hillary sister talk to me as one white woman to another can 8,000 Right fans be wrong?

Clinton: when i go to church i seek fellowship and sermons about infidelity - clearly Obama looks for one that defends muslim terrorists - but hey that's just me -- you don't get to chose your family but you do get to choose your pastor

Obama: well you also get to choose your running mate and i just crossed you off my list

Obama: speaking of weird pastors i hear Hillary's pastor wants to castrate all men

Steph: I have 2 questions - why do hate America, and why do you really hate America?

Obama: [ SIGH ]

look you greek dwarf i might mention that these are statements not made by me but by some other dude

Steph: how much do you hate america?

Obama: i don't

Steph: but your pastor does

Obama: he's a former marine

Clinton: Obama gave him the Black Seal Of Approval and Obama and Rev. Right has sex orgies with Rev. Farrkhan and Hamas - and well that makes me sad

Question: You lied about Bosnia

Clinton: i went to Bosnia and it was a war zone and every word i said was true except for the lies but Wes Clark wore battle gear when he met with me

Gibson: well don't we all

Clinton: look i'm not dumb

Gibson: no you're just a liar

Clinton: look my lies about wars put me on an even par with John McCain

Steph: Obama is Hillary a lying bitch?

Obama: shes' a fucking irritant that's true enough - but i would point out that we are in not one, but two wars, and a depression and gee i don't know maybe you could ask one fucking question tonight about that - oh i realize that's too much to ask

Gibson: that's a very good point - now let's get back to a very serious issue - why do you hate America and Apple Pie and the Flag?

Obama: America is likeable enough - look i was born to a teenage muslim from saudiranibia and i lived in hawaindonesia and one day i said hey maybe i should run for president of the great satan and trick them into making me their leader to i could destroy it from within -- but of course i would refuse wear the flag pin as sign to my muslim supporters around the world who are funding my campaign to crush America

Gibson: thank you - that's all i wanted to know

Steph: on 9/11 one of your supporters painted ‘Helter Skelter’ on the wall of his house and organized the SLA to hold a fundraiser with Patty Hearst and charlie manson

Obama: seriously, fuck you George - i'm also friendly with Tom Coburn and trust me that guy is a fucking lunatic

Cliton: no no no Obama was married to the dood from the weather underground for several years even after 9/11 and people in New York were very hurt by his remarks

Gibson: really, that's what new yorkers were saying on 9/11???

Clinton: that's right - look we all know the GOP are evil motherfuckers and we must prepare for the fight by being as evil as they are

Obama: for the love of pete Bill Clinton pardoned members of the weather underground and nominated Charlie Manson to the Supreme Court

Hillary: hey he's still better than Clarence Thomas

Gibson: when we come back - does Obama leave the toilet seat up and why does he hate America?

Audience Question: you keep saying you wants to bring the troops home but it's really unclear since everyone knows that troops should stay

Gibson: what if The Military Commanders told you The Troops Must Stay would really overrule our Caesars???

Clinton: you bet because like Bush the Generals will do what i tell them to fucking do

Gibson: but the poor Iraqis!!

Clinton: they suck and it's time for them to suck on this

Gibson: you make me very sad it's a glorious war

Clinton: Charlie, suck my dick

Gibson: i'm really confused George Bush finally found a general who is willing to repeat GOP talking points and you think you know better than him - i'm shocked

Clinton: fuck general petraeus he's another lying toady like Powell and the other asshole men in that cabal and by the way the war sucks

Gibson: to be clear - Obama you also hate the military

Obama: Look George Bush may want to cede his authority to some dude in a uniform but this is one negro who will not be taking orders from by some white man in a snappy outfit

Steph: Completely change US policy with regard to Israel or I will conclude you are an anti-semite -- Go!!

Obama: Fine I will nuke Iran if they attack Israel - are you happy now??

Clinton: what a wimp Obama is - I would also make it clear that if Cuba attacked Israel I would invade Iraq again

Steph: that's some sound thinking there

Clinton: look Iran is seeking yellowcake from Africa but i would open up diplomacy with Iran and other leaders

Steph: like Ahmedinejad?

Clinton: no never never that would be appeasement - just his vice president

Steph: what else will make peace in the middle east?

Clinton: sell nukes to a peaceful country like Saudi Arabia

Steph: the economy is weak and sad and it's a pathetic little baby - why do you persist in trying to kill it with your big bad tax cuts???

Clinton: because you are a fucking idiot

Steph: that's not a good reason

Obama: but it's true

Clinton: amen brother

Steph: you are wicked tax raiser

Clinton: on my website it's all laid out - i will never raise taxes on middle income college professors making $250,000

Obama: god Charlie Gibson you are an idiot christ we are in the middle of a housing crisis

Gibson: you said my pledge - gotcha!!

Obama: whatever moron

Gibson: what about my capital gains taxes - admit it Supply Side Economics work!!

Obama: fuck you stupid

Gibson: but why have taxes at all - do you hate the USA??

Obama: we have to pay for you favorite war charlie gibson

Gibson: i luv mah wah!!!!!

Obama: what a dipshit this jackass is

Gibson: but Republicans are right and you are wrong

Obama: oh i didn't realize it was Debate Moderator Editorialize Night

Gibson: well it is and the GOP Rulz!!!!!

Clinton: i will hire 3 million people to keep track of Bill Clinton

Gibson: awesome

Gibson: every American said a prayer to jesus today to thank him for taking his precious children to heaven a year ago - why do you pretend to love guns?

Hillary: as we all know Philly is more dangerous than Baghdad and the answer you all had was to elect a man named Nutter

Obama: and the Chief of Police Sgt. Crazytown

Hillary: 80% of crimes are committed by mentally challenged Republican family members

Gibson: guns?

Clinton: i will try to bridge the divide between gun nuts and gun controllers who are too polarizing

Gibson: unlike you

Gibson: Hillary what about my precious stock taxes????

Hillary: how stupid are you Charlie we have a huge deficit we have to pay for it somehow

Gibson: what about raising taxes on poor people

Hillary: that's what Obama wants to do

Obama: no i want to raise payroll taxes on the richest 6%

Clinton: hey i made $109 million dood


Obama: you're a looney

Gibson: hey all my friends make about $3 million a year except for my one poor friend who only makes $800,000 per year but we all chip in for him at xmas

Obama: boo fucking hoo

Gibson: can DC ban guns??

Obama: i am now going to lapse in to really boring Con Law Professor Mode

Gibson: that will win over the extras from The Deer Hunter and All The Right Moves

Obama: who among us does not appreciate the firearm owner

Gibson: do you want to ban all guns oh noes!

Obama: christ America is fucking awash in guns have you people not noticed this?? I feel like i beamed down from Mars to point this shit out

Steph: Hillary do you support the DC ban on guns?

Clinton: i support triangulating this issue without committing either way

Steph: do you have any position at all?

Clinton: i am in favor of what works and against what doesn't work

Steph: do you think anything??

Clinton: work with me George have you been to upstate New York it's all crazies up there
Steph: Barack do you hate white people?

Obama: you should look at the whole person

Steph: that's crazy

Clinton: please let me talk about student loans and health care

Gibson: no gas prices - go!

Clinton: release the gas reserves!!

Gibson: what about The Maverick's plan?

Clinton: i have a 25 point plan to stop people from driving to work

Gibson: this is all that Jimmy Carter's fault

Obama: History's Greatest Monster Conservator

Gibson: Persuade me - go!

Clinton: like john edwards i plan to take on the the big companies on behalf of all the bitter americans who are angry at being screwed - i am ready to be commander n chief and will recreate the bill clinton presidency except for the sex with monica - unless you liked it in which case i willl do that too

Obama: our planet is in peril doods - promises and have been made and they're been broken i have bet my candidacy that people are tired of petty silly attack politics

Gibson: i'll take that bet

Obama: oh noes little white man - i got a 70 year old non-voter to vote for me - i am forming a coalition of non-voting embittered nutjobs to take this country by force and you can't stop us

Gibson: let's hear for our sad candidates and their desperate dream to improve this doomed nation

{ applause }


Sinfonian said...

You are the funniest human being on Earth.

Now buy me Kleenex so I can wipe my tears from laughing.

Ali said...

Fuckin' A, dood.

whatevs said...


It doesn't get any better than this.

Richard said...

If only the debate had been this good. Very nice. Come by and see my Bush memo at


Unknown said...

You have become a national treasure, too bad we can't use you to pay off the debt.

Anonymous said...

As I've said elsewhere, you are a balm for the burn of the stupid.

You're gonna have a Pulitzer one day, dood.

Iwonder said...

Please don't ever stop writing. You are a genius bobblespeak translator!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the compliments.

Sorry for the typos, but it's live and unedited - take it or leave it!

Vox Populi said...

I'll TAKE IT. That's some FUNNY Schniz. Thanks soooo much. I really needed that.
I want to accuse you of bias.

Anonymous said...

Your posts are proof that the terrorists are more emboldened-ed-ed than ever, thanks to the far left loons who run ABC/Disney and who do not want their captial gains tax cuts, and therefore hate Jesus.

zoe said...

god that was funny!

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