Host: David Gregory
Guests:
Sec. of State Condi Rice
Andrea Mitchell
Erin Burnett
Michelle Norris
**************************
Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??
Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??
Gregory: um are you serious?
Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant
Gregory: who are those people
Rice: the live in a box under my bed
Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people
Rice: exactly
Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??
Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??
Gregory: um are you serious?
Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant
Gregory: who are those people
Rice: the live in a box under my bed
Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people
Rice: exactly
Gregory: you foreign policy sucked
Rice: well it's hard its not easy like being the best ice skater in Alabama
Gregory: any regrets
Rice: didn't stop genocide in Sudan
Gregory: so why didn't we do it?
Rice: well Bush thought about it?
Gregory: when?
Rice: on the 17th hole at Pebble Beach
Rice: hey we tried to stop genocide but we can't do much after all we're not members of the international criminal court
Gregory: because Bush refused to join
Rice: oh well sure
Gregory: so first Rwanda and now Darfur
Rice: yeah but we stopped Saddam's genocide in Iraq
Gregory: when was that?
Rice: in 1986
Gregory: when Rumsfeld shook his hand
Rice: never heard of him
Gregory: Iraqis are throwing shoes at Bush
Rice: yeah but Bush was standing next to our puppet regime!
Gregory: you say you are proud of screwing up in Iraq and would do 1,000 times over
Rice: oh well you have to take the long view the 9/11 hijackers came from there
Gregory: no they didn't
Rice: forget it i'm rolling
Gregory: ok
Rice: hey they're friends with Kuwait and Egypt now
Gregory: Egypt where Al Qaeda is from
Rice: exactly
Gregory: the President demanded optimism
Rice: that's true but it was fun we were all like mary tyler moore in Ordinary People
Gregory: tight lipped forced cheefulness
Rice: right we must never give in to pessimism and hand wringing
Gregory: is that why Laura looks like that?
Rice: I don't know about their family issues
Gergory: It sounds like a psychological mess
Rice: yeah but in 50 years things might get better
Gergory: what guidance did Bush tell you when Iraq was a total disaster?
Rice: he said he believed in freedom
Gergory: so he's just a moronic child
Rice: you have no idea
Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons
Rice: hee hee hee
Gregory: let's play hopscotch
Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion
Gregory: of course
Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons
Rice: hee hee hee
Gregory: let's play hopscotch
Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion
Gregory: of course
Gregory: how can you trust the north koreans
Rice: hey we were very resolute for 5 years
Gregory: then they built a bomb
Rice: no it was a crude nuclear device
Rice: we tested the korean soil
Gregory: ok ok you failed to stop Iran from building a bomb as well
Rice: no we were proved fucking right after all we sounded the nuclear bomb alarm and no one believed us
Gregory: and Iran now has influence in Iraq
Rice: yes but they failed to rule Iraq so that proves we won
Gregory: Obama won!
Rice: yes it says something about slavery as America's birth defect
Gregory: were you rooting for Obama
Rice: of course he's light years better than McCain
Gregory: what's next for you
Rice: I'm going to relive the glory days of 9/11 and talk about our lack of innocence and our need to invade other countries and torture people
Gregory: I'm sure your book will further that endeavor
Rice: I want to talk about how anyone can grow up to a disastous secretary of state if they are willing to tell drunken white privileged frat boys whatever they want to hear about how their dicks are bigger than some arab strong man
Gregory: well thanks very much for coming Condi it's been quite a ride
Rice: [ sobs ]
Gregory: car bailout?
Burnett: Republicans found a solution - kill unions - Obama should also take on unions to prove is independence
Norris: Obama has this crazy plan to build roads an schools and hospitals
Gregory: whacky!
Norris: Obama will have a lot of power for a liberals who hates economics
Gregory: can we incentivize the plan going forward?
Burnett: the core problem is we must reinflate the bubble!
Gregory: Blago says he is guilty... guilty of being adorable!!!
Marin: he's the son of a steelworker and quotes Kipling and he believes this shit
Gregory: wow
Marin: it's on baby -- Fitz vs. Blago!
Mitchell: this is crazy Illinois can't have a senator as long as Fitz is going after Blago
Gergory: so Balgo should appoint Fitz to the Senate
Mitchell: brilliant!
Marin: Daley said Blago should appoint Daley
Gregory: brilliant!
Marin: this is a 76 page charge he's screwed
Gregory: how fucked is Obama
Norris: it's tough he's innnocent because Obama told the truth but people didn't hear it
Gregory: because the american people have a hearing problem
Norris: right the media like dogs cannot hear high pitched sounds or the truth
Marin: the new standard is Obama must rush to the police any negotiations with Blago
Gregory: Caroline Kennedy ate at motherfuckin' Sylvia's!
Mitchell: fuck!
Gregory: she couldn't answer if Israel should negotiate with Hamas!
Mitchell: she won't support a non-existent democratic mayor for new york!
Gregory: wow!
Mitchell: don't fuck with Andrew Cuomo!
Gregory: let my quote Charles Manson and Krauthammer
Burnett: yeah but democrats Corzine and Bloomberg bought their senate seats!
Mitchell: what the fuck is Krauthammer's problem?? - it's an appointment!!
Gregory: Bloomberg says it's aristocratic
Mitchell: the billionaire who wants a third term???
Gregory: look at bernie madoff - if you can't trust a white man who can you trust??
Burnett: no one!
Gregory: John McCain was right Chris Cox should be fired!
Mitchell: all hail John McCain - but Bill Clinton is also to blame
Gregory: Obama's cabinet has not radical muslims!
Marin: it's too bad
Norris: a lot Westerners
Mitchell: it's fucking brainpowered meritocracy
Gregory: best and brightest
Burnett: it's all about jobs and labor - he's got fuck over the unions
Gregory: wow!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show - December 20, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
December 21, 2008
**********************
Matthews: OMG Obama is trying to control his press coverage!
Heileman: they're leak hunting and he media love them for it!
Cooper: they're tardy and tight lipped!
Tweety: wow
Cooper: they're cheating by speaking to the unamerican people
Matthews: in 4 months the media will turn on Obama - i got the memo from Mark Halperin
Klein: yeah i got that one too
Klein: Obama is a bad guy cause he wants to talk about issues and not irrelevant shit
Matthew: ha! we found his weak spot!
Kay: the media turned on Bush just because thousands of americans died
Matthews: when should we be combative and when should we fellate presidents?
Cooper: why not hold them accountable all the time?
Matthew: i thought maybe it was be nice to republicans and mean to democrats
Klein: no we need to be confrontational about stuff that matters
Matthews: that's crazy
Heileman: people hate the media and love bloggers
Tweety: oh noes!
Kay: Obama is sleazy cause we can trust his press secretary
Klein: Obama doesn't need us
Tweety: demit
Tweety: OMG this reporter DID have a follow-up!
[ multiple shoe throwing ]
Tweety: take that dan rather and brit hume! ha!
Matthews: Caroline Kennedy!
Klein: Hillary is a wonk!
Heileman: She's shy and she's in Obamamania!
Matthews: we must reduce all politicians to empty cliches!
Cooper: you guys are all idiots
[ everyone interrupts shouting ]
Matthews: let's face it it's all about war and peace
Kay: well then hillary was wrong
Klein: she's an amateur and i hate her and she's a girl
Kay: she's lame
Matthews: maybe we should consider that helen cooper is right and we are all idiots
Heileman: me no think like that
Klein: is gud kwestun
Kay: I'm hearing rumors that the ruling Arab families prefer Republicans
Twety: wow!
Klein: Me no like UN in Afghanistan
Cooper: Obama can't find a CIA director because the liberal bloggers hate anyone tainted by torture
Matthews: there are liberal blogger spies
Heileman: liberals like Solis and green shit
Matthews: those crazy liberals!
Tweety: OMG Obama is going to be tested by a fake international crisis!
Kay: i predict we won't be able to predict it!
Klein: Dood the crisis is the financial crisis
Cooper: Obama is studying a world map and calling general and reading Ghost Wars
Tweety: he's renting Ghostbusters?
Heileman: Obama has ice in his veins and the dude is fucking ready
December 21, 2008
**********************
Matthews: OMG Obama is trying to control his press coverage!
Heileman: they're leak hunting and he media love them for it!
Cooper: they're tardy and tight lipped!
Tweety: wow
Cooper: they're cheating by speaking to the unamerican people
Matthews: in 4 months the media will turn on Obama - i got the memo from Mark Halperin
Klein: yeah i got that one too
Klein: Obama is a bad guy cause he wants to talk about issues and not irrelevant shit
Matthew: ha! we found his weak spot!
Kay: the media turned on Bush just because thousands of americans died
Matthews: when should we be combative and when should we fellate presidents?
Cooper: why not hold them accountable all the time?
Matthew: i thought maybe it was be nice to republicans and mean to democrats
Klein: no we need to be confrontational about stuff that matters
Matthews: that's crazy
Heileman: people hate the media and love bloggers
Tweety: oh noes!
Kay: Obama is sleazy cause we can trust his press secretary
Klein: Obama doesn't need us
Tweety: demit
Tweety: OMG this reporter DID have a follow-up!
[ multiple shoe throwing ]
Tweety: take that dan rather and brit hume! ha!
Matthews: Caroline Kennedy!
Klein: Hillary is a wonk!
Heileman: She's shy and she's in Obamamania!
Matthews: we must reduce all politicians to empty cliches!
Cooper: you guys are all idiots
[ everyone interrupts shouting ]
Matthews: let's face it it's all about war and peace
Kay: well then hillary was wrong
Klein: she's an amateur and i hate her and she's a girl
Kay: she's lame
Matthews: maybe we should consider that helen cooper is right and we are all idiots
Heileman: me no think like that
Klein: is gud kwestun
Kay: I'm hearing rumors that the ruling Arab families prefer Republicans
Twety: wow!
Klein: Me no like UN in Afghanistan
Cooper: Obama can't find a CIA director because the liberal bloggers hate anyone tainted by torture
Matthews: there are liberal blogger spies
Heileman: liberals like Solis and green shit
Matthews: those crazy liberals!
Tweety: OMG Obama is going to be tested by a fake international crisis!
Kay: i predict we won't be able to predict it!
Klein: Dood the crisis is the financial crisis
Cooper: Obama is studying a world map and calling general and reading Ghost Wars
Tweety: he's renting Ghostbusters?
Heileman: Obama has ice in his veins and the dude is fucking ready
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Meet the Press - December 14, 2008
Meet the Press
December 14, 2008
Guests:
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan
Illinois Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn
Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm
Former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Wal-Mart President & CEO Lee Scott
Google CEO Eric Schmidt
*******************************************
Gregory: Will Balgo quit?
Madigan: either that or commit self defenestration
Gregory: the guy needs money
Quinn: as the lt. governor i hope he quits
Gregory: how objective of you
Gregory: but you're hardly objective
Madigan: fuck you
Gregory: but you want to be senator!
Madigan: watch it Gregory i have recordings of you too
Gregory: like what?
Madigan: you dancing with Karl Rove
Gregory: what knd of guy is Blago is like a good bad guy
Quinn: he's like a blundering crook in a ripoff of Pulp Fiction or Bottle Rocket
Gregory: interesting
Quinn: i like democracy but hey
Gregory: special election
Madigan: we are America's Taint
Gregory: OMG Rahm once had contacts with the Governor of his home state!!!
Todd: um so fucking what
Gregory: it's a huge scandal!
Todd: could be
Mitchell: it's huge!!!
Gregory: how is this a scandal?
Mitchell: because Rahm didn't have Jesse Jackson on his list
Gregory: holy shit!!
Todd: let's gossip more
Mitchell: pay to play is part of life
Gregory: like chuck schumer!
Todd: what's his crime then
Mitchell: he got caught
Gregory: does this ever happen in Washington?
Todd: yes chuck schumer!!!
Gregory: we won in Iraq just as Bush is leaving!
Todd: it's exciting
Gregory: People love Obama!
Todd: that was before Obama appoint Blago Secretary of Stealing
Gregory: why did the bailout fail?
Granholm: because Republicans hate working people
David: why else?
Granholm: the GOP hates America
Romney: Frankly we want all those companies to thrive
David: and how do we do that
Mitt: kill all those unions
Romney: even liberals like Jack Welch is against the bailout!
David: well I'm sold
Granholm: other countries subisidize health care you idiot
Mitt: not here they don't
Granholm: liar
Mitt: Legacy costs!
David: what are those?
Mitt: Elderly people eating Fancy Feast instead of Friskies
Gregory: isn't the real problem that American cars suck?
Walmart Guy: people are buying frozen food at Sam's Club
David: the Economy is in Total Suck Mode
Fiorina: oh pshaw its just a deepening recession
David: oh ok
Carly: the problem is rich unions ignoring the little guy
Gregory: explain the economy to me Mitt
Romney: Bush has lost 11 trillion dollars
Gregory: where did it go?
Romney: China and Saudi Arabia
Gregory: what's answer?
Romney: cut taxes and raise government spending
Gregory: but you are a conservative!
Romney: yes i hate it but i support military spending which at least will not help poor people
Walmart Guy: more Americans are drinking heavily, taking drugs and eating leftovers
Gregory: and that's just the Bush family
Google guy: America has sunshine!
Gregory: what are people looking for on the Internet?
Google CEO: people are searching for "discounts" "saving money" and "fuck george w bush"
Granholm: let the dirt fly!
Carly: business taxes are too high!
Gregory: wow let me put on my serious monkey face
Gregory: Should the government insure the value of overpriced McMansions??
Walmart Guy: um okay
Granholm: we should retrain auto workers to weatherize houses and empty bedpans
Gregory: awesome
Romney: Fuck George Bush what is waiting for??
Greory: uh i thought you like him
Romney: no we need to jump start the economy! Now!
Google Guy: i would rather live in a Depression in the US than well in Europe
Gregory: job security and gelato - who needs it??
Walmart Guy: that's right - this is no time to be self-serving -- that's why we reached out to Obama and pushed for tax cuts for businesses
Gregory: what do you want for xmas?
Granholm: an auto bailout, access to credit, consumer confidence and an Easy Bake Oven
Fiorina: consumer credit, banks lending to auto companies and a malibu barbie
Google dude: solar energy and a GI Joe
Romney: economic stimulus and an air rifle
Walmart Guy: Wal Mart moms spending more on crappy stuff and a tonka truck
December 14, 2008
Guests:
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan
Illinois Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn
Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm
Former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Wal-Mart President & CEO Lee Scott
Google CEO Eric Schmidt
*******************************************
Gregory: Will Balgo quit?
Madigan: either that or commit self defenestration
Gregory: the guy needs money
Quinn: as the lt. governor i hope he quits
Gregory: how objective of you
Gregory: but you're hardly objective
Madigan: fuck you
Gregory: but you want to be senator!
Madigan: watch it Gregory i have recordings of you too
Gregory: like what?
Madigan: you dancing with Karl Rove
Gregory: what knd of guy is Blago is like a good bad guy
Quinn: he's like a blundering crook in a ripoff of Pulp Fiction or Bottle Rocket
Gregory: interesting
Quinn: i like democracy but hey
Gregory: special election
Madigan: we are America's Taint
Gregory: OMG Rahm once had contacts with the Governor of his home state!!!
Todd: um so fucking what
Gregory: it's a huge scandal!
Todd: could be
Mitchell: it's huge!!!
Gregory: how is this a scandal?
Mitchell: because Rahm didn't have Jesse Jackson on his list
Gregory: holy shit!!
Todd: let's gossip more
Mitchell: pay to play is part of life
Gregory: like chuck schumer!
Todd: what's his crime then
Mitchell: he got caught
Gregory: does this ever happen in Washington?
Todd: yes chuck schumer!!!
Gregory: we won in Iraq just as Bush is leaving!
Todd: it's exciting
Gregory: People love Obama!
Todd: that was before Obama appoint Blago Secretary of Stealing
Gregory: why did the bailout fail?
Granholm: because Republicans hate working people
David: why else?
Granholm: the GOP hates America
Romney: Frankly we want all those companies to thrive
David: and how do we do that
Mitt: kill all those unions
Romney: even liberals like Jack Welch is against the bailout!
David: well I'm sold
Granholm: other countries subisidize health care you idiot
Mitt: not here they don't
Granholm: liar
Mitt: Legacy costs!
David: what are those?
Mitt: Elderly people eating Fancy Feast instead of Friskies
Gregory: isn't the real problem that American cars suck?
Walmart Guy: people are buying frozen food at Sam's Club
David: the Economy is in Total Suck Mode
Fiorina: oh pshaw its just a deepening recession
David: oh ok
Carly: the problem is rich unions ignoring the little guy
Gregory: explain the economy to me Mitt
Romney: Bush has lost 11 trillion dollars
Gregory: where did it go?
Romney: China and Saudi Arabia
Gregory: what's answer?
Romney: cut taxes and raise government spending
Gregory: but you are a conservative!
Romney: yes i hate it but i support military spending which at least will not help poor people
Walmart Guy: more Americans are drinking heavily, taking drugs and eating leftovers
Gregory: and that's just the Bush family
Google guy: America has sunshine!
Gregory: what are people looking for on the Internet?
Google CEO: people are searching for "discounts" "saving money" and "fuck george w bush"
Granholm: let the dirt fly!
Carly: business taxes are too high!
Gregory: wow let me put on my serious monkey face
Gregory: Should the government insure the value of overpriced McMansions??
Walmart Guy: um okay
Granholm: we should retrain auto workers to weatherize houses and empty bedpans
Gregory: awesome
Romney: Fuck George Bush what is waiting for??
Greory: uh i thought you like him
Romney: no we need to jump start the economy! Now!
Google Guy: i would rather live in a Depression in the US than well in Europe
Gregory: job security and gelato - who needs it??
Walmart Guy: that's right - this is no time to be self-serving -- that's why we reached out to Obama and pushed for tax cuts for businesses
Gregory: what do you want for xmas?
Granholm: an auto bailout, access to credit, consumer confidence and an Easy Bake Oven
Fiorina: consumer credit, banks lending to auto companies and a malibu barbie
Google dude: solar energy and a GI Joe
Romney: economic stimulus and an air rifle
Walmart Guy: Wal Mart moms spending more on crappy stuff and a tonka truck
The Chris Matthews Show - December 14, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
December 14, 2008
******************
Matthews: OMG LBJ was just the man to happify a gloomy nation!!
Robinson: ha!
Matthews: people love Obama!!!
Mitchell: what's not to like!?!
Robinson: fuck the haters
Ceci C: what is Obama hiding?
Tweety: yeah!
Ceci: why hasn't Obama made peace between India and Pakistan
Sullly: oh yeah the tapes exonerate him never mind that Ceci
Ceci: but but but we are talking about it ergo Obama is a bad man!
Mitchell: yes Obama is a bad man because he is from Illinois!
Matthews: why does the Left hate Obama???
Sullly: he's not gay enough
Matthews: the Left!
Sullly: the Left hates torture
Matthews: give me an example
Sullly: your tv show
Ceci CCC: there are signs that Obama is not naive green or wet behind the ears
Mitchell: Teddy K and Daschle are trying to save their legacy
Sullly: just shovel it all at the right make them eat shit
Tweety: he reallly is a Kenyan Centrist
Mitchell: Republicans are buying into bailouts - they have really changed
Sullly: no they were always hypocrites Andrea
Tweety: that's true
Ceci: the real GOP hates deficits
Robinson: yes both Republicans left in America feel that way
Sully: Rush Limbaugh will obstruct efforts to crush Oxy
Matthews: how can we make fun of Obama ??
Robinson: he's black, he's cool, and he's awesome
Tweety: can he be funnny
Sullly: he's to dull
Tweety: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sully: he's not flawed enough
Mitchell: he won't sleep with me
Sullly: that's just good taste
Robinson: don't worry he will stumble
Tweety: i hope so!
Ceci: Rove will lead the fight against Holder
Matthews: wow
Robinson: Obama can't decide whether to swear in on a Koran or not
Mitchell: US will send Jonny Depp to get Pirates!! Arrrr!!!
Sullly: Obama will set up a Truth Commission to investigate torture
Tweety: in the Justice Dept ??
Sully: no in public you idiot
Matthews: OMG I love Dinah Shore
Robinson: i love the Jersey Shore
Ceci: i like hybrids
Matthews: like Obama
Gene: my little red corvette
Mitchell: i had a corvair
Tweety: no wonder Nader hates you
Andrea: no that's because i wouldn't sleep with him
Sullly: gay people are not allowed to drive in america
Tweety: '57 Chevy!
December 14, 2008
******************
Matthews: OMG LBJ was just the man to happify a gloomy nation!!
Robinson: ha!
Matthews: people love Obama!!!
Mitchell: what's not to like!?!
Robinson: fuck the haters
Ceci C: what is Obama hiding?
Tweety: yeah!
Ceci: why hasn't Obama made peace between India and Pakistan
Sullly: oh yeah the tapes exonerate him never mind that Ceci
Ceci: but but but we are talking about it ergo Obama is a bad man!
Mitchell: yes Obama is a bad man because he is from Illinois!
Matthews: why does the Left hate Obama???
Sullly: he's not gay enough
Matthews: the Left!
Sullly: the Left hates torture
Matthews: give me an example
Sullly: your tv show
Ceci CCC: there are signs that Obama is not naive green or wet behind the ears
Mitchell: Teddy K and Daschle are trying to save their legacy
Sullly: just shovel it all at the right make them eat shit
Tweety: he reallly is a Kenyan Centrist
Mitchell: Republicans are buying into bailouts - they have really changed
Sullly: no they were always hypocrites Andrea
Tweety: that's true
Ceci: the real GOP hates deficits
Robinson: yes both Republicans left in America feel that way
Sully: Rush Limbaugh will obstruct efforts to crush Oxy
Matthews: how can we make fun of Obama ??
Robinson: he's black, he's cool, and he's awesome
Tweety: can he be funnny
Sullly: he's to dull
Tweety: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sully: he's not flawed enough
Mitchell: he won't sleep with me
Sullly: that's just good taste
Robinson: don't worry he will stumble
Tweety: i hope so!
Ceci: Rove will lead the fight against Holder
Matthews: wow
Robinson: Obama can't decide whether to swear in on a Koran or not
Mitchell: US will send Jonny Depp to get Pirates!! Arrrr!!!
Sullly: Obama will set up a Truth Commission to investigate torture
Tweety: in the Justice Dept ??
Sully: no in public you idiot
Matthews: OMG I love Dinah Shore
Robinson: i love the Jersey Shore
Ceci: i like hybrids
Matthews: like Obama
Gene: my little red corvette
Mitchell: i had a corvair
Tweety: no wonder Nader hates you
Andrea: no that's because i wouldn't sleep with him
Sullly: gay people are not allowed to drive in america
Tweety: '57 Chevy!
Monday, December 08, 2008
Meet the Press - December 7, 2008
********************************
December 7, 2008
Guests:
President-Elect Barack Obama
David Gregory
************************************
Brokaw: Welcome Obama -- now tell us what really unpopular things are you going to have to do??
Obama: I'm going to do not just short term fun things but long term boring shit like bridges and repaving roads and medical records on your iPod
Brokaw: warp speed!
Obama: photon topedoes!
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: but pointing fingers is fun!
Obama: i have a crazy idea - maybe they can make a fuel efficient car people actually want
Brokaw: Should Jack Welch be out Car Czar?
Obama: let me answer the question this way -- Tom that is so fucking stupid only you could ask it
Brokaw: help me out here - what else can we do but put a White Man in Charge??
Obama: Tom look I like white dudes - my grandfather was a white man - but haven't white guys stolen enough tax money for one generation??
Tom: What about the current management in Detroit?
Obama: Dumbest bunch of white guys north of 14th street
Obama: I'm hoping to introduce a new ethic in businenss where the first priority is not steal everything not nailed down
Brokaw: how about taxing gasoline - get money and promote better behavior?
Obama: good idea but people have lost their jobs so it's not like the worker is whopping it up big time right now
Brokaw: but lazy americans!
Obama: should change their light bulbs
Brokaw: Mortgages!
Obama: I'm disappointed that Stupid isn't doing anything on this issue
Brokaw: he's busy doing interviews saying he's sad Sadddam Hussein attacked Pearl Harbor
Obama: well anyway I think we need to get banks and homeowners together and admit they both fucked up
Brokaw: did you call Stupid and tell him you are mad at him?
Obama: i tried but I called during "Heroes" and he hung up on me
Brokaw: what about all Americans trying to get a piece of the bailout pie
Obama: sure but first we have to put out the housing fire and reinflate the bubble!
Brokaw: so from now on no more misbehavior
Obama: right party is over - starting after the bailout
Brokaw: Please tell me you are not really going to raise taxes on middle class people making $200,000 year
Obama: i was going to cut taxes
Brokaw: that's not what i heard
Obama: i want to go to the tax rates of the '90s
Brokaw: the 1890s??
Obama: no Tom
Brokaw: dammit
Brokaw: you are engaging in class warfare
Obama: so who doens't love war
Brokaw: good point
Obama: poor people make less as America grows rich
Brokaw: Biden said paying taxes is patriotic - he can't mean that
Obama: hey it turns out greed and stealing isn't good for anyone
Brokaw: but it sure is fun!
Obama: Usury isn't really profitable
Brokaw: well that's a damm shame
Brokaw: is India in hot pursuit?
Obama: there are spicy terrorist across the border
Brokaw: kill kill!
Obama: i want to a foresighted three dimension foreign policy
Brokaw: ok dood - how many civillians are going to kill?
Obama: I'm going to write a number on this piece of paper and slip it over to you...
Brokaw: Will you appoint a Curry Czar?
Obama: well Hilllary and Susan and Joe and Jim and I don't need any help thanks
Brokaw: will you disppoint liberals by staying in Iraq please
Obama: I will wait until i am sworn in and then start to design a plan will haeve in it the beginning of a possibility of an eventual draw-down
Brokaw: ok um what
Obama: create a mechanism of ensuring that terrorism will not occur while refocusing on Afghanistan...
Brokaw: how do we win in Afghanistan
Obama: fight better battles and make peace between India and Pakistan and also make Afghanistan a nice place to live
Brokaw: oh is that all
Obama: dude only defeatists say it can't be done
Brokaw: but the killing!
Obama: we'll kill Osama
Brokaw: But we should stay forever!
Obama: oh wow you really are dumb
Brokaw: but we're white and we're here to help
Obama: uh-huh
Brokaw: Iraq Residual Force - 50,000??
Obama: Could be
Brokaw: how many
Obama: we'll leave a force of 20,000 ferrets
Brokaw: oh noes
Brokaw: will you meet with Iran?
Obama: yes but they are unacceptable so we will send them carrots and sticks
Brokaw: Iran is so mean!
Obama: sure but we have to be sensible and use our allies so dudes we can do this the easy way or the hard way
Brokaw: Russia
Obama: they are like Alaska - oil money has made the leaders there fucking crazy
Brokaw: Caroline Kennedy in the Senate?
Obama: you think I want to get involved in NY politics? Momma didn't raise no fool Tom
Brokaw: but it's fun
Obama: hey i like competent people
Brokaw: well you are different
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: Holy Shit the Hawaii Axis has begun
Obama: he covered up my birth certificate so he deserves it
Tom: but he said we would need 500,000 troops in Iraq
Obama: And he was proved fucking right
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: what kind of artists will you have in white house?
Obama: for a change i will celebrate science and jazz and learning and culture and poetry
Tom: motherfucker do you hate America??
Tom: have you stopped smoking
Obama: yes but i have fallen off the wagon
Tom: like when
Obama: right after this interview i'm going to get high
Tom: holy shit
Obama: suck it Tom - I'm the motherfucking President
Tom: Dancin Dave you have taking over a national institution
Gregroy: for the last few months we've had a normal person at Meet The Press - thank god our national nightmare is over
Tom: it's important for the whole nation to have a suck up dancing fool hosting this show
Gregory: you had relatively few stupid gotcha questions for Obama i was disappointed
Tom: well I'm new
David: this is a national treasure so we must ask idiotic questions and preen about how wonderful we are
Tom: try to write at least one book about how your father raised a terrific son
David: oh sure
Tom: well good luck I'm off to Montana
David: bye bye old man
Tom: warble warble
Gregroy: [ sniff ]
I'm miss that speech-impedified old doofus
December 7, 2008
Guests:
President-Elect Barack Obama
David Gregory
************************************
Brokaw: Welcome Obama -- now tell us what really unpopular things are you going to have to do??
Obama: I'm going to do not just short term fun things but long term boring shit like bridges and repaving roads and medical records on your iPod
Brokaw: warp speed!
Obama: photon topedoes!
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: but pointing fingers is fun!
Obama: i have a crazy idea - maybe they can make a fuel efficient car people actually want
Brokaw: Should Jack Welch be out Car Czar?
Obama: let me answer the question this way -- Tom that is so fucking stupid only you could ask it
Brokaw: help me out here - what else can we do but put a White Man in Charge??
Obama: Tom look I like white dudes - my grandfather was a white man - but haven't white guys stolen enough tax money for one generation??
Tom: What about the current management in Detroit?
Obama: Dumbest bunch of white guys north of 14th street
Obama: I'm hoping to introduce a new ethic in businenss where the first priority is not steal everything not nailed down
Brokaw: how about taxing gasoline - get money and promote better behavior?
Obama: good idea but people have lost their jobs so it's not like the worker is whopping it up big time right now
Brokaw: but lazy americans!
Obama: should change their light bulbs
Brokaw: Mortgages!
Obama: I'm disappointed that Stupid isn't doing anything on this issue
Brokaw: he's busy doing interviews saying he's sad Sadddam Hussein attacked Pearl Harbor
Obama: well anyway I think we need to get banks and homeowners together and admit they both fucked up
Brokaw: did you call Stupid and tell him you are mad at him?
Obama: i tried but I called during "Heroes" and he hung up on me
Brokaw: what about all Americans trying to get a piece of the bailout pie
Obama: sure but first we have to put out the housing fire and reinflate the bubble!
Brokaw: so from now on no more misbehavior
Obama: right party is over - starting after the bailout
Brokaw: Please tell me you are not really going to raise taxes on middle class people making $200,000 year
Obama: i was going to cut taxes
Brokaw: that's not what i heard
Obama: i want to go to the tax rates of the '90s
Brokaw: the 1890s??
Obama: no Tom
Brokaw: dammit
Brokaw: you are engaging in class warfare
Obama: so who doens't love war
Brokaw: good point
Obama: poor people make less as America grows rich
Brokaw: Biden said paying taxes is patriotic - he can't mean that
Obama: hey it turns out greed and stealing isn't good for anyone
Brokaw: but it sure is fun!
Obama: Usury isn't really profitable
Brokaw: well that's a damm shame
Brokaw: is India in hot pursuit?
Obama: there are spicy terrorist across the border
Brokaw: kill kill!
Obama: i want to a foresighted three dimension foreign policy
Brokaw: ok dood - how many civillians are going to kill?
Obama: I'm going to write a number on this piece of paper and slip it over to you...
Brokaw: Will you appoint a Curry Czar?
Obama: well Hilllary and Susan and Joe and Jim and I don't need any help thanks
Brokaw: will you disppoint liberals by staying in Iraq please
Obama: I will wait until i am sworn in and then start to design a plan will haeve in it the beginning of a possibility of an eventual draw-down
Brokaw: ok um what
Obama: create a mechanism of ensuring that terrorism will not occur while refocusing on Afghanistan...
Brokaw: how do we win in Afghanistan
Obama: fight better battles and make peace between India and Pakistan and also make Afghanistan a nice place to live
Brokaw: oh is that all
Obama: dude only defeatists say it can't be done
Brokaw: but the killing!
Obama: we'll kill Osama
Brokaw: But we should stay forever!
Obama: oh wow you really are dumb
Brokaw: but we're white and we're here to help
Obama: uh-huh
Brokaw: Iraq Residual Force - 50,000??
Obama: Could be
Brokaw: how many
Obama: we'll leave a force of 20,000 ferrets
Brokaw: oh noes
Brokaw: will you meet with Iran?
Obama: yes but they are unacceptable so we will send them carrots and sticks
Brokaw: Iran is so mean!
Obama: sure but we have to be sensible and use our allies so dudes we can do this the easy way or the hard way
Brokaw: Russia
Obama: they are like Alaska - oil money has made the leaders there fucking crazy
Brokaw: Caroline Kennedy in the Senate?
Obama: you think I want to get involved in NY politics? Momma didn't raise no fool Tom
Brokaw: but it's fun
Obama: hey i like competent people
Brokaw: well you are different
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: Holy Shit the Hawaii Axis has begun
Obama: he covered up my birth certificate so he deserves it
Tom: but he said we would need 500,000 troops in Iraq
Obama: And he was proved fucking right
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: what kind of artists will you have in white house?
Obama: for a change i will celebrate science and jazz and learning and culture and poetry
Tom: motherfucker do you hate America??
Tom: have you stopped smoking
Obama: yes but i have fallen off the wagon
Tom: like when
Obama: right after this interview i'm going to get high
Tom: holy shit
Obama: suck it Tom - I'm the motherfucking President
Tom: Dancin Dave you have taking over a national institution
Gregroy: for the last few months we've had a normal person at Meet The Press - thank god our national nightmare is over
Tom: it's important for the whole nation to have a suck up dancing fool hosting this show
Gregory: you had relatively few stupid gotcha questions for Obama i was disappointed
Tom: well I'm new
David: this is a national treasure so we must ask idiotic questions and preen about how wonderful we are
Tom: try to write at least one book about how your father raised a terrific son
David: oh sure
Tom: well good luck I'm off to Montana
David: bye bye old man
Tom: warble warble
Gregroy: [ sniff ]
I'm miss that speech-impedified old doofus
The Chris Matthews Show - December 7, 2008
*********************************
The Chris Matthews Show
December 7, 2008
*********************************
Matthews: OMG my 401k is in the hands of a black man!!
Heileman: The Man is fucking amazing and we all agree America is fucked
Mitchell: The Man is competent and can speak well
Matthews: we we wanted change and we're getting it
Kernan: Wall Street of course hates the liberal black man who wants to raise taxes but we have no choice but to back this guy - Jack Welch is a fucking socialist
Kernan: we need the B-52s to stimulate us
Tweety: Love Shack!
Parker: i love the way Obama challenged the people and calloused our hands
Kernan: We have to spend a quadrillion dollars!!
Heileman: all we have to do is fix teh economy, war, health care, and energy
Tweety: oh is that all
Tweety: how will we pay for all this
Mitchell: obama will just tap into his internet fundraisers
Kernan: liberal bloggers will save us all
Tweety: Magic Bloggers!
Heileman: the housing crisis is everyone's fault because I bought a big apartment on 75th street but Detroit is bad!
Parker: their cars fucking suck
Tweety: when does Obama's failed presidency begin?
Parker: one year
Kernan: there won't be one - The Man is going to succeed
Mitchell: 9-12 months
Tweety: when does he fail??? When does Obama expire like a milk carton. When does Obama lose his new car smell??
Heileman: six months
Tweety: OMG let's make fun of Joe Biden!!!
Parker: ha!
Mitchell: ha ha
Heileman: hee hee hee
Tweety: OMG Hillary Clinton is back in the news!!!
Matthews: who will sleep with Obama - Biden or Clinton??
Mitchell: Jim Jones - he's better looking!
Heileman: Biden turned down Sec of State and he chose Hillary!
Matthews: but that destroys my whole theory!!
Parker: well Tweety you are an idiot
Tweety: ha!
Mitchell: he's known for his domestic policy not foreign policy anyway
Matthews: you blew my mind!
Parker: hispanics want more latinos!
Kernan: Turkey's can't fly!
Mitchell: Paterson is going to appoint Caroline Kennedy!
Heileman: david brooks says Obama is finally going to a appoint a non-liberal at Education!
Tweety: wow!
Tweety: OMG what about Bill Clinton!!
Parker: he should have low key affairs
Kernan: Hillary's svengolly
Mitchell: He's now locked into the Obama legacy
Heileman: he feels guilty about not helping Hillary and so he will reach out to the black community by playing golf at restricted country clubs
Tweety: blacks only!?!?
The Chris Matthews Show
December 7, 2008
*********************************
Matthews: OMG my 401k is in the hands of a black man!!
Heileman: The Man is fucking amazing and we all agree America is fucked
Mitchell: The Man is competent and can speak well
Matthews: we we wanted change and we're getting it
Kernan: Wall Street of course hates the liberal black man who wants to raise taxes but we have no choice but to back this guy - Jack Welch is a fucking socialist
Kernan: we need the B-52s to stimulate us
Tweety: Love Shack!
Parker: i love the way Obama challenged the people and calloused our hands
Kernan: We have to spend a quadrillion dollars!!
Heileman: all we have to do is fix teh economy, war, health care, and energy
Tweety: oh is that all
Tweety: how will we pay for all this
Mitchell: obama will just tap into his internet fundraisers
Kernan: liberal bloggers will save us all
Tweety: Magic Bloggers!
Heileman: the housing crisis is everyone's fault because I bought a big apartment on 75th street but Detroit is bad!
Parker: their cars fucking suck
Tweety: when does Obama's failed presidency begin?
Parker: one year
Kernan: there won't be one - The Man is going to succeed
Mitchell: 9-12 months
Tweety: when does he fail??? When does Obama expire like a milk carton. When does Obama lose his new car smell??
Heileman: six months
Tweety: OMG let's make fun of Joe Biden!!!
Parker: ha!
Mitchell: ha ha
Heileman: hee hee hee
Tweety: OMG Hillary Clinton is back in the news!!!
Matthews: who will sleep with Obama - Biden or Clinton??
Mitchell: Jim Jones - he's better looking!
Heileman: Biden turned down Sec of State and he chose Hillary!
Matthews: but that destroys my whole theory!!
Parker: well Tweety you are an idiot
Tweety: ha!
Mitchell: he's known for his domestic policy not foreign policy anyway
Matthews: you blew my mind!
Parker: hispanics want more latinos!
Kernan: Turkey's can't fly!
Mitchell: Paterson is going to appoint Caroline Kennedy!
Heileman: david brooks says Obama is finally going to a appoint a non-liberal at Education!
Tweety: wow!
Tweety: OMG what about Bill Clinton!!
Parker: he should have low key affairs
Kernan: Hillary's svengolly
Mitchell: He's now locked into the Obama legacy
Heileman: he feels guilty about not helping Hillary and so he will reach out to the black community by playing golf at restricted country clubs
Tweety: blacks only!?!?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Meet the Press with Lieberman, Daley & Baker - November 23, 2008
This summary is not available. Please
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The Chris Matthews Show - November 23, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
November 23, 2008
******************************
Matthews: OMG we have a black president!!!
Kay: i know!!!
Matthews: But Obama isn't an obstinate rich selfish shortsighted greedy unintelligent asshole!!
Woodward: well we have some flaws
Tweety: why is Stupid so stupid?
Woodward: he doesn't like homework
Matthews: why did fancy elitists vote for President elect Smarty pants?
Borger: Obama will fail unless he listens to the guts of david broder
Gregory: Obama got lucky becaue Bush's gut was full of shit
Kay: the people of world are still dancing in the streets over the election
Matthews: what about America's friends and allies
Kay: those ARE America's allies
Tweety: what is different from Bush to Obama?
Woodward: first of all Obama isn't a congential liar
Matthews: but i like to be lied to!
Woodward: Emission Accomplished
Gregory: The Failed Obama Presidency will be more realistic - which is a real bummer
Matthews: Government has been evil since 1976
Borger: that was before Katrina, Detroit, the Wall Street bailout
Matthews: the war was underfunded so that was small government
Gregory: Wall Street and Government have no leaders now
Matthews: I have Daddy Issues!!!
Kay: Tell me something I don't know!!
Matthews: fucking Joe Lieberman got rewarded!
Borger: the american people love Joe
Tweety: Obama's naive!
Kay: he's a fucking Vulcan
Woodward: that green blooded, inhuman
Tweety: OMG!
Kay: really Tweety you must learn to govern your passions they will be your undoing
Woodward: look at all the Clinton people he brought in oh noes
Matthews: you said the word 'Clinton' ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Woodward: ha ha ha ha ha
Tweety: Bill! ha ah ha ha ha
Matthews: Stupid is going crazy i love it!
Gregory: he is so classy, he wears the trappings of the Presidency so well
Kay: you two need a team of psychiatrists - i mean from Vienna
Matthews: OMG Hillary is a threat to the next President!!!!
Kay: idiot
Matthews: so Obama is threatened!
Borger: no….
Matthews: so she IS a threat!
Kay: Tweety you're not making any sense
Woodward: Bill and Hillary can't control each other!
Tweety: Ha!
Bob: Bill and Hillary will share the world
Woodward: The World is Not Enough
Gregory: They need to co-opt Bill Clinton
Kay: Wily Arabs will not trust a woman
Woodward: Hillary will emasculate Joe Biden
Tweety: [ crosses legs ]
Tweety: tell me some news!
Woodward: the NSA Advisor will be Jim Jones
Tweety: he didn't drink the Iraq Kool aid!
Borger: GOP will lose Michigan
Gregory: Obama will fail in the middle east!
Matthews: who will get a pardon from Stupid?
Kay: Scooter and Stevens
Woodward: Neither
Borger: Scooter
Gregory: Stevens
Matthews: Scooter!
*******************************************
November 23, 2008
******************************
Matthews: OMG we have a black president!!!
Kay: i know!!!
Matthews: But Obama isn't an obstinate rich selfish shortsighted greedy unintelligent asshole!!
Woodward: well we have some flaws
Tweety: why is Stupid so stupid?
Woodward: he doesn't like homework
Matthews: why did fancy elitists vote for President elect Smarty pants?
Borger: Obama will fail unless he listens to the guts of david broder
Gregory: Obama got lucky becaue Bush's gut was full of shit
Kay: the people of world are still dancing in the streets over the election
Matthews: what about America's friends and allies
Kay: those ARE America's allies
Tweety: what is different from Bush to Obama?
Woodward: first of all Obama isn't a congential liar
Matthews: but i like to be lied to!
Woodward: Emission Accomplished
Gregory: The Failed Obama Presidency will be more realistic - which is a real bummer
Matthews: Government has been evil since 1976
Borger: that was before Katrina, Detroit, the Wall Street bailout
Matthews: the war was underfunded so that was small government
Gregory: Wall Street and Government have no leaders now
Matthews: I have Daddy Issues!!!
Kay: Tell me something I don't know!!
Matthews: fucking Joe Lieberman got rewarded!
Borger: the american people love Joe
Tweety: Obama's naive!
Kay: he's a fucking Vulcan
Woodward: that green blooded, inhuman
Tweety: OMG!
Kay: really Tweety you must learn to govern your passions they will be your undoing
Woodward: look at all the Clinton people he brought in oh noes
Matthews: you said the word 'Clinton' ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Woodward: ha ha ha ha ha
Tweety: Bill! ha ah ha ha ha
Matthews: Stupid is going crazy i love it!
Gregory: he is so classy, he wears the trappings of the Presidency so well
Kay: you two need a team of psychiatrists - i mean from Vienna
Matthews: OMG Hillary is a threat to the next President!!!!
Kay: idiot
Matthews: so Obama is threatened!
Borger: no….
Matthews: so she IS a threat!
Kay: Tweety you're not making any sense
Woodward: Bill and Hillary can't control each other!
Tweety: Ha!
Bob: Bill and Hillary will share the world
Woodward: The World is Not Enough
Gregory: They need to co-opt Bill Clinton
Kay: Wily Arabs will not trust a woman
Woodward: Hillary will emasculate Joe Biden
Tweety: [ crosses legs ]
Tweety: tell me some news!
Woodward: the NSA Advisor will be Jim Jones
Tweety: he didn't drink the Iraq Kool aid!
Borger: GOP will lose Michigan
Gregory: Obama will fail in the middle east!
Matthews: who will get a pardon from Stupid?
Kay: Scooter and Stevens
Woodward: Neither
Borger: Scooter
Gregory: Stevens
Matthews: Scooter!
*******************************************
Sunday, November 16, 2008
60 Minutes - Interview with Barack Obama - November 16, 2008
******************************
60 Minutes
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Guests:
Barack Obama
Michelle Obama
******************************
Kroft: are you still awesome?
Obama: i am now i get sleep late like a real president
Kroft: now you get to take it easy like Reagan and Bush
Obama: indeed
Kroft: what the hell have you gotten into
Obama: i am completely calm
Kroft: dude you are otherwordly
Kroft: so what's up
Obama: arming and defending the Empire
Kroft: what else
Obama: propping up this failed economy
Kroft: do you talk to Beaker about his $700 billion
Obama: hey did you ever see Brewster's Millions it's hard to give away that much money
Kroft: the CRAP program hasn't accomplished anything
Obama: hey you could see people selling apple cores in the streets
Kroft: will anything get better when you are president
Obama: i want people to stay in the overpriced homes they can't afford
Kroft: are you giving Beaker orders
Obama: let's just say he's getting the message Chicago style
Kroft: what's that?
Obama: a deep dish pizza wrapped in newspaper
Kroft: he sleeps with the anchovies
Obama: [ finger on nose ]
Kroft: Should we let GM fail like it's about to?
Obama: no these are extraordinary circumstances
Kroft: what are those?
Obama: I'm about to be President and need Michigan votes
Kroft: gas is cheap now so we can forget about greening right
Obama: oh no in Al Gore is getting thin we live in a different world
Kroft: should we keep our financial system?
Obama: indeed time for Pitchforks
Kroft: Close Gitmo?
Obama: indeed also no torture
Kroft: how about leaving the hellhole of iraq
Obama: just as soon as we can
Kroft: and when will you catch Osama?
Obama: dood I'm not President yet!
Kroft: dood the whole world is waiting you to fix 8 years of bullshit
Kroft: you spoke to Hillary
Obama: she's a smart lady
Kroft: Republicans in the cabinet?
Obama: if I can find one non-lunatic
Kroft: who are reading?
Obama: I am very humble i'd like to compare myself to Lincoln now
Kroft: not FDR?
Obama: him too - but I'm better looking
Kroft: why FDR?
Obama: he projected optimism and hard work and caring and that's what I want to do
Kroft: dood you must be new to washignton
Obama: new new new deal
Kroft: how will that work
Obama: it will be like the 30s but without the hats
Kroft: will you be eloquent like Stupid
Obama: fuck that - I will accomplish shit
Kroft: that's radical
Obama: but the President must communicate and i think like JFK i can do that
Kroft: you are extremely cool
Obama: yes dude I know
Kroft: when did you realize you are the President?
Obama: I'm what?!?! Oh shit!!
Michelle: i said wow I'm finally proud of America
Kroft: what were you thinking
M. Obama: i said my god 100,000 people are cheering you a black guy named Hussein
B. Obama: i have a black mother in law and she said well maybe my daughter made an ok choice after all
Obama: it was a sign of progress and core decency of the people - although i gambled that people aren't racists and it worked
Kroft: awesome
Obama: i slept in and Michelle and the girls got up early
Michelle: the girls are embarrased by their dorky dad
Kroft: you lived in a one room college dorm
Michelle: it was disgusting
Obama: it was bachelor pad man it rocked!
[ high fives Kroft ]
Kroft: [ high fives ]
Kroft: how freaky are Stupid and the Joker
Michelle: are crazy as you can imagine
Michelle Obama: i imagine kids and dogs
Barack: and sleepovers
Kroft: bill clinton had those
Michelle Obama: Barack will be home and i will be close by
Kroft: when i met you first two years ago you were hanging around with idiots like Culture of Truth
Obama: i ditched that dood
Michelle: he's fucking crazy
Obama: for the girls we need an era of normalcy
Kroft: like War on Harding
M. Obama: it's all back to normal
Barack: no i can't go for a walk without being with weird guys in suits carrying machine guns
Kroft: so just like Tony Soprano
Kroft: when will Michelle take over public policy
M. Obama: hey we've learned this year if Palin and Hillary can run for President then so can i
B. Obama: now you see why i married her
Kroft: did you seriously consider a public school?
Obama: we still are
Kroft: but there are [stage whisper ] *black people there*
Michelle: i know
Kroft: dog selection front!
M. Obama: we told the girls we will get one after he selects a Secretary of Agriculture
Kroft: and they fell for that
Obama: no
Kroft: what kind of dog
Obama: i don't know but his name will be Whitey
Kroft: your mother in law is going to move dood are you crazy??
Obama: well we'll see i told her that the White House is very very small
Kroft: can you solve world peace and hunger a College Playoff system
Obama: damm right
[Michelle rolls eyes]
Kroft: awesome
Obama: i'm gonna throw the weight of the presidency behind this
Kroft: bush couldn't do it
Obama: well as you may have noticed i am not Stupid
Kroft: as a matter of fact i'm beginning to get that
Obama: well good
[ high fives Kroft ]
60 Minutes
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Guests:
Barack Obama
Michelle Obama
******************************
Kroft: are you still awesome?
Obama: i am now i get sleep late like a real president
Kroft: now you get to take it easy like Reagan and Bush
Obama: indeed
Kroft: what the hell have you gotten into
Obama: i am completely calm
Kroft: dude you are otherwordly
Kroft: so what's up
Obama: arming and defending the Empire
Kroft: what else
Obama: propping up this failed economy
Kroft: do you talk to Beaker about his $700 billion
Obama: hey did you ever see Brewster's Millions it's hard to give away that much money
Kroft: the CRAP program hasn't accomplished anything
Obama: hey you could see people selling apple cores in the streets
Kroft: will anything get better when you are president
Obama: i want people to stay in the overpriced homes they can't afford
Kroft: are you giving Beaker orders
Obama: let's just say he's getting the message Chicago style
Kroft: what's that?
Obama: a deep dish pizza wrapped in newspaper
Kroft: he sleeps with the anchovies
Obama: [ finger on nose ]
Kroft: Should we let GM fail like it's about to?
Obama: no these are extraordinary circumstances
Kroft: what are those?
Obama: I'm about to be President and need Michigan votes
Kroft: gas is cheap now so we can forget about greening right
Obama: oh no in Al Gore is getting thin we live in a different world
Kroft: should we keep our financial system?
Obama: indeed time for Pitchforks
Kroft: Close Gitmo?
Obama: indeed also no torture
Kroft: how about leaving the hellhole of iraq
Obama: just as soon as we can
Kroft: and when will you catch Osama?
Obama: dood I'm not President yet!
Kroft: dood the whole world is waiting you to fix 8 years of bullshit
Kroft: you spoke to Hillary
Obama: she's a smart lady
Kroft: Republicans in the cabinet?
Obama: if I can find one non-lunatic
Kroft: who are reading?
Obama: I am very humble i'd like to compare myself to Lincoln now
Kroft: not FDR?
Obama: him too - but I'm better looking
Kroft: why FDR?
Obama: he projected optimism and hard work and caring and that's what I want to do
Kroft: dood you must be new to washignton
Obama: new new new deal
Kroft: how will that work
Obama: it will be like the 30s but without the hats
Kroft: will you be eloquent like Stupid
Obama: fuck that - I will accomplish shit
Kroft: that's radical
Obama: but the President must communicate and i think like JFK i can do that
Kroft: you are extremely cool
Obama: yes dude I know
Kroft: when did you realize you are the President?
Obama: I'm what?!?! Oh shit!!
Michelle: i said wow I'm finally proud of America
Kroft: what were you thinking
M. Obama: i said my god 100,000 people are cheering you a black guy named Hussein
B. Obama: i have a black mother in law and she said well maybe my daughter made an ok choice after all
Obama: it was a sign of progress and core decency of the people - although i gambled that people aren't racists and it worked
Kroft: awesome
Obama: i slept in and Michelle and the girls got up early
Michelle: the girls are embarrased by their dorky dad
Kroft: you lived in a one room college dorm
Michelle: it was disgusting
Obama: it was bachelor pad man it rocked!
[ high fives Kroft ]
Kroft: [ high fives ]
Kroft: how freaky are Stupid and the Joker
Michelle: are crazy as you can imagine
Michelle Obama: i imagine kids and dogs
Barack: and sleepovers
Kroft: bill clinton had those
Michelle Obama: Barack will be home and i will be close by
Kroft: when i met you first two years ago you were hanging around with idiots like Culture of Truth
Obama: i ditched that dood
Michelle: he's fucking crazy
Obama: for the girls we need an era of normalcy
Kroft: like War on Harding
M. Obama: it's all back to normal
Barack: no i can't go for a walk without being with weird guys in suits carrying machine guns
Kroft: so just like Tony Soprano
Kroft: when will Michelle take over public policy
M. Obama: hey we've learned this year if Palin and Hillary can run for President then so can i
B. Obama: now you see why i married her
Kroft: did you seriously consider a public school?
Obama: we still are
Kroft: but there are [stage whisper ] *black people there*
Michelle: i know
Kroft: dog selection front!
M. Obama: we told the girls we will get one after he selects a Secretary of Agriculture
Kroft: and they fell for that
Obama: no
Kroft: what kind of dog
Obama: i don't know but his name will be Whitey
Kroft: your mother in law is going to move dood are you crazy??
Obama: well we'll see i told her that the White House is very very small
Kroft: can you solve world peace and hunger a College Playoff system
Obama: damm right
[Michelle rolls eyes]
Kroft: awesome
Obama: i'm gonna throw the weight of the presidency behind this
Kroft: bush couldn't do it
Obama: well as you may have noticed i am not Stupid
Kroft: as a matter of fact i'm beginning to get that
Obama: well good
[ high fives Kroft ]
Meet The Press - November 16, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Guests:
Senator Levin (D-MI)
Senator Shelby (R-AL)
T. Boone Pickens
*************************************
Brokaw: ok guys - auto bailout - yes or no???
Shelby: no way dood - Detroit is a bunch of dinosaurs and it’s time for them to go extinct
Brokaw: you said this is not a national problem
Shelby: sure it's not something really important like whether terri schiavo can follow a balloon
Brokaw: i see your point
Levin: can i talk?
Brokaw: fuck off loser
Brokaw: rick waggoner says he will accept a federal bailout but only if he gets a cut
Levin: ok he's an asshole but the entire american economy is dependent badly made vehicles
Brokaw: who doesn't love a good hummer?
Levin: even the europeans are bailing out mercedes and bmw
Brokaw: its never been the same since they lost teh slave labor
Levin: people are not buying cars because they are afraid
Brokaw: they are afraid their car will be an overpriced clunker
Brokaw: will you demand Rick Waggoner apologize for the Gremlin?
Levin: what about Bush and Obama?
Brokaw: never heard of them
Shelby: this is the beginning of Obama Corporate welfare
Levin: Bullshit - we did it for Chrysler and for the airlines and AIG and Wall Street and
Shelby: blah blah blah
Levin: but we have to pick up all their pensions!
Shelby: Pfffft
Brokaw: but only a bailout can save the industry!
Shelby: no they must renegotiate with the unions and tell them to fuck off
Brokaw: Tom Friedman says the unions are to blame for building Escalades
Levin: hey Tom - Suck. On. This.
Brokaw: but the unions!
Levin: they've taken hits and Detroit is finally listening it troubles me
Shelby: boooooooring
Levin: they're making hybrids and electric scooters why can't people see that this is not their fault they're making good cars!!!
Shelby: uh huh
Brokaw: are you willing to tell Chrysler dealers that their cars suck?
Shelby: you betcha!
Levin: no we must subsidize the auto industry so they can continue to innovate and make good cars nobody wants
Brokaw: T Boone do you think we should bailout the auto industries
Pickens: how the hell should i know
Brokaw: how's your wind
Pickens: it's slow but the wind will still be there tomorrow
Brokaw: i like you - you're folksy and like my crazy grandpa
Pickens: ahm gonna harness the wind and that will release natural gas
Brokaw: did Obama agree to support your cuddly non-existent plan?
Pickens: well he doesn't dance to mah tune but he likes natural gas cause it's red white and blue
Brokaw: what about electric cars
Pickens: nice but only natural gas is 'merican and can run a rig and get us off muslim oil
Brokaw: all gore says we should use kites to fly to work
Pickens: as long as their not foreign kites that's fine
Brokaw: but oil is cheap again
Pickens: but it still comes from terrorists and towelheads
Brokaw: good point
Brokaw: what's the answer
Pickens: we need a plan or you are in favor of foreign oil which is foreign and did I mention it was foreign
Brokaw: you were an oil man for 50 years stupid
Pickens: well that was your fault Tom and no President worked on the problem
Brokaw: Carter did
Pickens: fuck him he wore sweaters
[ break ]
Brokaw: should we bailout Detroit?
Tom Friedman: no way - where is their plan for fixing their problems?
Brokaw: subsidized crack
Friedman: they should have a plan - like marry a billionaire
Brokaw: that's a tough position
Friedman: these car makers suck - fuck em
Katty Kay: true but after 8 years of a Bush Presidency the US economy is so fragile we have to do it
Friedman: but they're greedy fuckers
Kay: ok so have the executives publicly drawn and quartered
Brokaw: what is the solution
Andrea Mitchell: Obama quit his senate seat so he could dodge the question
Tavis Smiley: hey who's getting rich Mustache man - Detroit is poorest fucking city in America
Friedman: slackers
Smiley: the Audacity of Mendacity!
Brokaw: what about the fucking unions?
Mitchell: look we all like the underclass with their cute little blue collars but Obama is going to have to tell the unions to fuck off
Mustache: no one in the world understands this economic crisis - Obama is gonna need a bigger soup kitchen
Brokaw: i'm scared
Friedman: fairness doesn't matter - we have to bailout homeowners or we will be all eating bread and water
Brokaw: i'm not sure we have caught up to the full extent of the shitiness of the Bush economy
Kay: Bush has united the planet in agreement that he is the Worst Leader in the World
Brokaw: Andrea please offer us some juicy useless gossip
Mitchell: Hillary was seen with Lindsay Lohan and Bill Clinton
Brokaw: why would Hillary take a cabinet job?
Mitchell: she was shut out of health care in the senate by Ted Kennedy and needs a platform
Brokaw: but I thought Teddy had a brain tumor and was done for
Mitchell: think again warbler
Brokaw: bash Jesse Jackson pleez
Smiley: i know we're all celebrating Obama’s win but now there are no blacks in the Senate
Friedman: the next Secretary of State should be a bankruptcy specialist
Kay: what drugs are you on?
Mitchell: it shows Obama has read “Team of Rivals” which is very very important to people who listen to Don Imus
Brokaw: oh of course
Mitchell: also Obama will hire Lugar, Gates, McCain and Hagel
Brokaw: any liberals?
Mitchell: those *are* the liberals
Brokaw: is Bobby Jindal the future of the party?
Mitchell: yes and unlike Sarah Palin he appears to have a brain
Smiley: no unlike me that dood has not shown he can appeal to bored white people across the nation
Brokaw: my mother survived the gang wars of the twenties, an affair with John Steinbeck, a marriage to Doug MacArthur, nuclear tests, Elvis, the hula hoop, Woodstock, Studio 54, the crack wars, Pets.com and giving birth to me - happy birthday mom
Guests:
Senator Levin (D-MI)
Senator Shelby (R-AL)
T. Boone Pickens
*************************************
Brokaw: ok guys - auto bailout - yes or no???
Shelby: no way dood - Detroit is a bunch of dinosaurs and it’s time for them to go extinct
Brokaw: you said this is not a national problem
Shelby: sure it's not something really important like whether terri schiavo can follow a balloon
Brokaw: i see your point
Levin: can i talk?
Brokaw: fuck off loser
Brokaw: rick waggoner says he will accept a federal bailout but only if he gets a cut
Levin: ok he's an asshole but the entire american economy is dependent badly made vehicles
Brokaw: who doesn't love a good hummer?
Levin: even the europeans are bailing out mercedes and bmw
Brokaw: its never been the same since they lost teh slave labor
Levin: people are not buying cars because they are afraid
Brokaw: they are afraid their car will be an overpriced clunker
Brokaw: will you demand Rick Waggoner apologize for the Gremlin?
Levin: what about Bush and Obama?
Brokaw: never heard of them
Shelby: this is the beginning of Obama Corporate welfare
Levin: Bullshit - we did it for Chrysler and for the airlines and AIG and Wall Street and
Shelby: blah blah blah
Levin: but we have to pick up all their pensions!
Shelby: Pfffft
Brokaw: but only a bailout can save the industry!
Shelby: no they must renegotiate with the unions and tell them to fuck off
Brokaw: Tom Friedman says the unions are to blame for building Escalades
Levin: hey Tom - Suck. On. This.
Brokaw: but the unions!
Levin: they've taken hits and Detroit is finally listening it troubles me
Shelby: boooooooring
Levin: they're making hybrids and electric scooters why can't people see that this is not their fault they're making good cars!!!
Shelby: uh huh
Brokaw: are you willing to tell Chrysler dealers that their cars suck?
Shelby: you betcha!
Levin: no we must subsidize the auto industry so they can continue to innovate and make good cars nobody wants
Brokaw: T Boone do you think we should bailout the auto industries
Pickens: how the hell should i know
Brokaw: how's your wind
Pickens: it's slow but the wind will still be there tomorrow
Brokaw: i like you - you're folksy and like my crazy grandpa
Pickens: ahm gonna harness the wind and that will release natural gas
Brokaw: did Obama agree to support your cuddly non-existent plan?
Pickens: well he doesn't dance to mah tune but he likes natural gas cause it's red white and blue
Brokaw: what about electric cars
Pickens: nice but only natural gas is 'merican and can run a rig and get us off muslim oil
Brokaw: all gore says we should use kites to fly to work
Pickens: as long as their not foreign kites that's fine
Brokaw: but oil is cheap again
Pickens: but it still comes from terrorists and towelheads
Brokaw: good point
Brokaw: what's the answer
Pickens: we need a plan or you are in favor of foreign oil which is foreign and did I mention it was foreign
Brokaw: you were an oil man for 50 years stupid
Pickens: well that was your fault Tom and no President worked on the problem
Brokaw: Carter did
Pickens: fuck him he wore sweaters
[ break ]
Brokaw: should we bailout Detroit?
Tom Friedman: no way - where is their plan for fixing their problems?
Brokaw: subsidized crack
Friedman: they should have a plan - like marry a billionaire
Brokaw: that's a tough position
Friedman: these car makers suck - fuck em
Katty Kay: true but after 8 years of a Bush Presidency the US economy is so fragile we have to do it
Friedman: but they're greedy fuckers
Kay: ok so have the executives publicly drawn and quartered
Brokaw: what is the solution
Andrea Mitchell: Obama quit his senate seat so he could dodge the question
Tavis Smiley: hey who's getting rich Mustache man - Detroit is poorest fucking city in America
Friedman: slackers
Smiley: the Audacity of Mendacity!
Brokaw: what about the fucking unions?
Mitchell: look we all like the underclass with their cute little blue collars but Obama is going to have to tell the unions to fuck off
Mustache: no one in the world understands this economic crisis - Obama is gonna need a bigger soup kitchen
Brokaw: i'm scared
Friedman: fairness doesn't matter - we have to bailout homeowners or we will be all eating bread and water
Brokaw: i'm not sure we have caught up to the full extent of the shitiness of the Bush economy
Kay: Bush has united the planet in agreement that he is the Worst Leader in the World
Brokaw: Andrea please offer us some juicy useless gossip
Mitchell: Hillary was seen with Lindsay Lohan and Bill Clinton
Brokaw: why would Hillary take a cabinet job?
Mitchell: she was shut out of health care in the senate by Ted Kennedy and needs a platform
Brokaw: but I thought Teddy had a brain tumor and was done for
Mitchell: think again warbler
Brokaw: bash Jesse Jackson pleez
Smiley: i know we're all celebrating Obama’s win but now there are no blacks in the Senate
Friedman: the next Secretary of State should be a bankruptcy specialist
Kay: what drugs are you on?
Mitchell: it shows Obama has read “Team of Rivals” which is very very important to people who listen to Don Imus
Brokaw: oh of course
Mitchell: also Obama will hire Lugar, Gates, McCain and Hagel
Brokaw: any liberals?
Mitchell: those *are* the liberals
Brokaw: is Bobby Jindal the future of the party?
Mitchell: yes and unlike Sarah Palin he appears to have a brain
Smiley: no unlike me that dood has not shown he can appeal to bored white people across the nation
Brokaw: my mother survived the gang wars of the twenties, an affair with John Steinbeck, a marriage to Doug MacArthur, nuclear tests, Elvis, the hula hoop, Woodstock, Studio 54, the crack wars, Pets.com and giving birth to me - happy birthday mom
The Chris Matthews Show - November 16, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show - November 16, 2008
*******************************************
Matthews: OMG Obama is fighting a tiger i hope he has a magic rock!
Fineman: it turns out the Republicans really really suck
Burnett: Bush came out against socialism - he's only for bailouts for people who don't need it
Duffy: The Dems are relying on Durbin and Pelosi
Matthews: Rush Limbaugh is calling it The Obama Recession!!!
Duffy: I'm persuaded
Norris: George Bush is trying to save the GOP by crushing the US auto industry
Matthews: that should work
Norris: Republicans are showing their love for American by crippling the country to hurt Obama
Matthews: can America survive Bush's last 40 days?
Burnett: highly doubtful
Matthews: I'm moving to someplace safe like Iceland
Norris: fuck the Obama bailout
Matthew: will Obama come out with loud hip hop music??
Duffy: I think chicks and geese and ducks better scurry
Fineman: Obama is going to tell the cautious DC types to fuck off
Norris: Obama will sign legislation during his acceptance speech
Burnett: Wall Street is suddenly interested in massive welfare - for them
Matthews: we're all Cainesians now
Matthews: Will McCain help Obama?
Fineman: yes he is Obama's immigration bitch
Matthews: OMG young republicans like Palin, Pawlenty and Jindal will save the party!
Tweety Meter: Jindal! Jindal!
Tweety: Will Romney or Palin be elected President in 2012?
Norris: it all depends on Chris Matthews
Matthews: i love sarah palin
Burnett: she's amusing but dumb
Matthews: that usually works in politics
Matthews: who will speak for the Republican party?
Fineman: Rush Limbaugh
Tweety: will no one else oppose Obama??
Duffy: liberal bloggers
Tweety: hah!
Norris: I was in a barbershop and black men are cutting off their dreadlocks, pulling up their pants and joining the army
Matthews: an investment in America!
Fineman: Clyburn is a power broker and he a centrist and black
Burnett: GM is a zombie corpse but they are selling cars overseas in China and Russia
Tweety: to the Commies!
Matthews: will Obama give McCain a cabinet position?
Norris: he has to if Obama wants to win in 2012
Fineman: Obama needs McCain in the Senate - he's sooo powerful
Duffy: he's Obama's liasion to the Rictus-American community
Duffy: Gates is willing to serve in the cabinet if Obama asks nicely
*******************************************
Matthews: OMG Obama is fighting a tiger i hope he has a magic rock!
Fineman: it turns out the Republicans really really suck
Burnett: Bush came out against socialism - he's only for bailouts for people who don't need it
Duffy: The Dems are relying on Durbin and Pelosi
Matthews: Rush Limbaugh is calling it The Obama Recession!!!
Duffy: I'm persuaded
Norris: George Bush is trying to save the GOP by crushing the US auto industry
Matthews: that should work
Norris: Republicans are showing their love for American by crippling the country to hurt Obama
Matthews: can America survive Bush's last 40 days?
Burnett: highly doubtful
Matthews: I'm moving to someplace safe like Iceland
Norris: fuck the Obama bailout
Matthew: will Obama come out with loud hip hop music??
Duffy: I think chicks and geese and ducks better scurry
Fineman: Obama is going to tell the cautious DC types to fuck off
Norris: Obama will sign legislation during his acceptance speech
Burnett: Wall Street is suddenly interested in massive welfare - for them
Matthews: we're all Cainesians now
Matthews: Will McCain help Obama?
Fineman: yes he is Obama's immigration bitch
Matthews: OMG young republicans like Palin, Pawlenty and Jindal will save the party!
Tweety Meter: Jindal! Jindal!
Tweety: Will Romney or Palin be elected President in 2012?
Norris: it all depends on Chris Matthews
Matthews: i love sarah palin
Burnett: she's amusing but dumb
Matthews: that usually works in politics
Matthews: who will speak for the Republican party?
Fineman: Rush Limbaugh
Tweety: will no one else oppose Obama??
Duffy: liberal bloggers
Tweety: hah!
Norris: I was in a barbershop and black men are cutting off their dreadlocks, pulling up their pants and joining the army
Matthews: an investment in America!
Fineman: Clyburn is a power broker and he a centrist and black
Burnett: GM is a zombie corpse but they are selling cars overseas in China and Russia
Tweety: to the Commies!
Matthews: will Obama give McCain a cabinet position?
Norris: he has to if Obama wants to win in 2012
Fineman: Obama needs McCain in the Senate - he's sooo powerful
Duffy: he's Obama's liasion to the Rictus-American community
Duffy: Gates is willing to serve in the cabinet if Obama asks nicely
Thursday, November 13, 2008
MEET THE PRESS - November 9, 2008
MEET THE PRESS
November 9, 2008
Guests:
Valerie Jarrett
Rep. Clyburn
Sen. Martinez
********************
Brokaw: what can we expect from our new Chicago overlord?
Valerie Jarrett: radical change from people like jennifer granholm, paul volcker, and warren buffet
Brokaw: will you people a dark shadow government
Jarrett: no
Brokaw: really?
Jarrett: no really we will be
Brokaw: what did you learn studying the Polk adminstration
Jarrett: don't fuck up
Brokaw: ok let's talk about my money
Brokaw: who else besides Volcker, Summers, Rubin and Buffet
Jarrett: Obamans don't talk out of school
Brokaw: any Republicans
Jarrett: yes we will have Democrats and Losers represented
Brokaw: will you keep some Bush appointees on?
Jarrett: well he's looking for talent - so no
Brokaw: this is going to shock - you John Boner criticizes Obama
Jarrett: oh noes! He'd better resign now!
Brokaw: what about Bill Clinton
Jarrett: i can tell you we are so very eager to talk about the Clintons
Brokaw: are you being sarcastic
Jarrett: who me?
Brokaw: Democrats are always the party of Big Government
Jarrett: You are such an interesting person and apparently a fucking liar
Brokaw: what are Obama's flaws?
Jarrett: He's too inspirational
Brokaw: will Michelle be Laura or be Hillary?
Jarrett: this is the stupidest conversation i've ever had in my life
Brokaw: will she be in the bowels of the White House
Jarrett: you are a true idiot, aren't you?
Brokaw: Puppy?
Jarrett: oh noe don't go there
Brokaw: how did you feel when Obama won
Jarrett: awesome that people saw how awesome he is
Brokaw: what about the failed Obama administration
[ break ]
Clyburn: we have to restore teh economy, rebuild america, fund stem cells, and heal the country
Martinez: lets not worry about who slimed who - the point is unemployment is very high under the Obama administration!!
Brokaw: stimulus program
Martinez: i would like to see checks mailed to foreclosed homeowners in Miami
Brokaw: what else
Martinez: Obama should do whatever Republicans want
Brokaw: given the big win for Democrats should we lower taxes on the rich and cut government spending
Clyburn: are you fucking drunk?
Brokaw: stimulus program
Martinez: i would like to see checks mailed to foreclosed homeowners in Miami
Brokaw: what else
Martinez: Obama should do whatever Republicans want
Brokaw: given the big win for Democrats should we lower taxes on the rich and cut government spending
Clyburn: are you fucking drunk?
Brokaw: should we give the failed auto industry a trillion dollars?
Clyburn: yes every american should get a hummer
Brokaw: you are from the party of free markets?
Martinez: no the the GOP is the party of Free Capitalism - failed businesses get free money from the government when they fail
Brokaw: what about teh deficits?
Clyburn: the coffers are empty and we must govern from the center - i hate the far left they're so lefty
Brokaw: Ted Kennedy wants to divide America - will Republicans support that
Martinez: we as Republicans have to figure out what teh hell we believe
Brokaw: solution to health care is to go to the ER?
Martinez: see it turns out people don't think that's a good idea
Brokaw: given the poor economy isn't it true that we can't do health care in the first four years
Martinez: see children's health care is very divisive we should not attempt that it's so mean and divisive
Brokaw: Earth to Martinez - maybe the reason you went 0 for 3 is because you consider funding health care for kids divisive
Martinez: John McCain was a POW he didn't deserve to lose or the GOP be branded a racist
Brokaw: what is a Republican?
Martinez: we are going to try and figure it out - starting with Mitch Daniels
Brokaw: oh god
Brokaw: Clyburn you're black - did you know Obama is too?
Clyburn: hey some of my best friends are black and descended from slaves
Brokaw: that's very moving
Clyburn: we who worked with the system have been vindicated
Brokaw: Rahm is terrible
Martinez: Boner is moron
Brokaw: hey the Obamas are black! what about all the dysfunctional ones!
Mitchell: we need to get the guys off the corners and the kids in schools
Brokaw: wow can he finally get black families to work?
Mitchell: this dude is a better role model that a rapper or ballplayer
Brokaw: then they can hope to have the world's worst job
Goodwin: hey an economic disaster creates real opportunity for change
Brokaw: hmmmm
Goodwin: like LBJ who I slept with
Brokaw: TMI doris
Meachem: i haz advise for new preznit
Brokaw: do tell
Meachem: Obama is andrew jackson
Brokaw: maybe Obama can be on the $15 bill
Brokaw: he's very eloquent
Meachem: he's a rock star but not one of those elitist ones
Goodwin: Obama echoed FDR in the war when he said we will get there
Brokaw: that's wasn't MLK?
Goodwin: who?
Brokaw: is he black enough
Mitchell: he's President enough!
Brokaw: but not from the inner city
Mitchell: but he's got a white mother and worked in the city - it's fascinating
Brokaw: krauthammer says he's Putin
Meachem: he's actually very tough - who knew??
Brokaw: not a weak intellectual black man?
Meachem: i didn't believe it - but McCain ran a noble campaign
Goodwin: Obama should appoint McCain cabinet
Brokaw: will inner city blacks run the country?
Goodwin: this is a fucking fun time to live in America!
November 9, 2008
Guests:
Valerie Jarrett
Rep. Clyburn
Sen. Martinez
********************
Brokaw: what can we expect from our new Chicago overlord?
Valerie Jarrett: radical change from people like jennifer granholm, paul volcker, and warren buffet
Brokaw: will you people a dark shadow government
Jarrett: no
Brokaw: really?
Jarrett: no really we will be
Brokaw: what did you learn studying the Polk adminstration
Jarrett: don't fuck up
Brokaw: ok let's talk about my money
Brokaw: who else besides Volcker, Summers, Rubin and Buffet
Jarrett: Obamans don't talk out of school
Brokaw: any Republicans
Jarrett: yes we will have Democrats and Losers represented
Brokaw: will you keep some Bush appointees on?
Jarrett: well he's looking for talent - so no
Brokaw: this is going to shock - you John Boner criticizes Obama
Jarrett: oh noes! He'd better resign now!
Brokaw: what about Bill Clinton
Jarrett: i can tell you we are so very eager to talk about the Clintons
Brokaw: are you being sarcastic
Jarrett: who me?
Brokaw: Democrats are always the party of Big Government
Jarrett: You are such an interesting person and apparently a fucking liar
Brokaw: what are Obama's flaws?
Jarrett: He's too inspirational
Brokaw: will Michelle be Laura or be Hillary?
Jarrett: this is the stupidest conversation i've ever had in my life
Brokaw: will she be in the bowels of the White House
Jarrett: you are a true idiot, aren't you?
Brokaw: Puppy?
Jarrett: oh noe don't go there
Brokaw: how did you feel when Obama won
Jarrett: awesome that people saw how awesome he is
Brokaw: what about the failed Obama administration
[ break ]
Clyburn: we have to restore teh economy, rebuild america, fund stem cells, and heal the country
Martinez: lets not worry about who slimed who - the point is unemployment is very high under the Obama administration!!
Brokaw: stimulus program
Martinez: i would like to see checks mailed to foreclosed homeowners in Miami
Brokaw: what else
Martinez: Obama should do whatever Republicans want
Brokaw: given the big win for Democrats should we lower taxes on the rich and cut government spending
Clyburn: are you fucking drunk?
Brokaw: stimulus program
Martinez: i would like to see checks mailed to foreclosed homeowners in Miami
Brokaw: what else
Martinez: Obama should do whatever Republicans want
Brokaw: given the big win for Democrats should we lower taxes on the rich and cut government spending
Clyburn: are you fucking drunk?
Brokaw: should we give the failed auto industry a trillion dollars?
Clyburn: yes every american should get a hummer
Brokaw: you are from the party of free markets?
Martinez: no the the GOP is the party of Free Capitalism - failed businesses get free money from the government when they fail
Brokaw: what about teh deficits?
Clyburn: the coffers are empty and we must govern from the center - i hate the far left they're so lefty
Brokaw: Ted Kennedy wants to divide America - will Republicans support that
Martinez: we as Republicans have to figure out what teh hell we believe
Brokaw: solution to health care is to go to the ER?
Martinez: see it turns out people don't think that's a good idea
Brokaw: given the poor economy isn't it true that we can't do health care in the first four years
Martinez: see children's health care is very divisive we should not attempt that it's so mean and divisive
Brokaw: Earth to Martinez - maybe the reason you went 0 for 3 is because you consider funding health care for kids divisive
Martinez: John McCain was a POW he didn't deserve to lose or the GOP be branded a racist
Brokaw: what is a Republican?
Martinez: we are going to try and figure it out - starting with Mitch Daniels
Brokaw: oh god
Brokaw: Clyburn you're black - did you know Obama is too?
Clyburn: hey some of my best friends are black and descended from slaves
Brokaw: that's very moving
Clyburn: we who worked with the system have been vindicated
Brokaw: Rahm is terrible
Martinez: Boner is moron
Brokaw: hey the Obamas are black! what about all the dysfunctional ones!
Mitchell: we need to get the guys off the corners and the kids in schools
Brokaw: wow can he finally get black families to work?
Mitchell: this dude is a better role model that a rapper or ballplayer
Brokaw: then they can hope to have the world's worst job
Goodwin: hey an economic disaster creates real opportunity for change
Brokaw: hmmmm
Goodwin: like LBJ who I slept with
Brokaw: TMI doris
Meachem: i haz advise for new preznit
Brokaw: do tell
Meachem: Obama is andrew jackson
Brokaw: maybe Obama can be on the $15 bill
Brokaw: he's very eloquent
Meachem: he's a rock star but not one of those elitist ones
Goodwin: Obama echoed FDR in the war when he said we will get there
Brokaw: that's wasn't MLK?
Goodwin: who?
Brokaw: is he black enough
Mitchell: he's President enough!
Brokaw: but not from the inner city
Mitchell: but he's got a white mother and worked in the city - it's fascinating
Brokaw: krauthammer says he's Putin
Meachem: he's actually very tough - who knew??
Brokaw: not a weak intellectual black man?
Meachem: i didn't believe it - but McCain ran a noble campaign
Goodwin: Obama should appoint McCain cabinet
Brokaw: will inner city blacks run the country?
Goodwin: this is a fucking fun time to live in America!
The Chris Matthews Show - November 9, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
November 9, 2008
*****************************
Tweety: No Drama Obama! Oh noes!!
Obama: the road ahead is long and there are alot of bathroom breaks along the way
Tweety: can he he save my 401k?
Rather: he's bold but cautious - no highs or lows
Tucker: the Man canceled the fireworks cause he didn't want to make John McCain cry
Brooks: he's post-Boomer that's Audacious! But Cautious! He's Caudacious!
Tweety: ha I love it!
Bumiller: unlike Bush he read newspapers
Tweety: he is really is a socialist who will make people wait in line for a heart transplant
Rather: that's bad news for Dick Cheney
Tweety: ha
Rather: i expect him to govern from the center
Brooks: my opinion matters a great deal
Tweety: Ronald Reagan taught us you must get it all done early before you go senile
Brooks: he should no do anything at all
Tucker: bullshit you simpering fop
Brooks: Obama's people are nice and kind -- it's really weird
Bumiller: what planet are you on - Obama is mean
Brooks: no he isn't
Bumiller: ok you've convinced me
Rather: Obama is as optimistic as a frog on a Texas griddle
Tweety: what would you ask Bush?
Bumiller: why are you such a fuck up?
Rather: when are you leaving?
Tucker: nothing from Stupid
Brooks: Obama should ask to have sex with Laura
Tweety: where is the bowling alley?
Tweety: let me relive the ‘68 Convention also the battle of Lexington
Rather [ in 68] : take your hands off me pigs!
Tweety: that was awesome
Tweety: will the GOP love Obama
Brooks: McCain will help Obama depending on how long he lives
Tweety: only John McCain knows how pass legislation
Bumiller: uh...
Tweety: Will Obama offer him a cabinet postition?
Bumiller: uh...
Tweety: Rahm is bad
Rather: that's good
Tweety: uh...
Tucker: he's jerk but he's Obama's jerk
Bumiller: moderate GOP hate Randy Schumerman
Rather: Rahm solves Obama's Jewish problem
Tweety: what else
Rather: Obama must decide where to dump Bill Richardson
Tucker: there were 80,000 undervotes in Georgia - that means people voted for President and then left
Tweety: What about Race Relations!?
Bumiller: blacks and whites gettin' along!
Rather: it's all horseshit
Tucker: they are teh cutest family ever - they will show an upper middle class black family
Tweety: i thought that was teh Cosbys
Brooks: the lesson of this campaign is that America is not a racist country
Tweety: whites secretly voted for Barack but couldn't tell anyone down at the knight of columbus hall - the Obama Effect
November 9, 2008
*****************************
Tweety: No Drama Obama! Oh noes!!
Obama: the road ahead is long and there are alot of bathroom breaks along the way
Tweety: can he he save my 401k?
Rather: he's bold but cautious - no highs or lows
Tucker: the Man canceled the fireworks cause he didn't want to make John McCain cry
Brooks: he's post-Boomer that's Audacious! But Cautious! He's Caudacious!
Tweety: ha I love it!
Bumiller: unlike Bush he read newspapers
Tweety: he is really is a socialist who will make people wait in line for a heart transplant
Rather: that's bad news for Dick Cheney
Tweety: ha
Rather: i expect him to govern from the center
Brooks: my opinion matters a great deal
Tweety: Ronald Reagan taught us you must get it all done early before you go senile
Brooks: he should no do anything at all
Tucker: bullshit you simpering fop
Brooks: Obama's people are nice and kind -- it's really weird
Bumiller: what planet are you on - Obama is mean
Brooks: no he isn't
Bumiller: ok you've convinced me
Rather: Obama is as optimistic as a frog on a Texas griddle
Tweety: what would you ask Bush?
Bumiller: why are you such a fuck up?
Rather: when are you leaving?
Tucker: nothing from Stupid
Brooks: Obama should ask to have sex with Laura
Tweety: where is the bowling alley?
Tweety: let me relive the ‘68 Convention also the battle of Lexington
Rather [ in 68] : take your hands off me pigs!
Tweety: that was awesome
Tweety: will the GOP love Obama
Brooks: McCain will help Obama depending on how long he lives
Tweety: only John McCain knows how pass legislation
Bumiller: uh...
Tweety: Will Obama offer him a cabinet postition?
Bumiller: uh...
Tweety: Rahm is bad
Rather: that's good
Tweety: uh...
Tucker: he's jerk but he's Obama's jerk
Bumiller: moderate GOP hate Randy Schumerman
Rather: Rahm solves Obama's Jewish problem
Tweety: what else
Rather: Obama must decide where to dump Bill Richardson
Tucker: there were 80,000 undervotes in Georgia - that means people voted for President and then left
Tweety: What about Race Relations!?
Bumiller: blacks and whites gettin' along!
Rather: it's all horseshit
Tucker: they are teh cutest family ever - they will show an upper middle class black family
Tweety: i thought that was teh Cosbys
Brooks: the lesson of this campaign is that America is not a racist country
Tweety: whites secretly voted for Barack but couldn't tell anyone down at the knight of columbus hall - the Obama Effect
Sunday, November 02, 2008
This Week with George Stephanopoulos - November 2, 2008
************************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
November 2, 2008
***************************
Stephanopoulos: yur losing
Davis: no way dood
Stephanopoulos: why do u say that
Davis: pollz r biased against Republicans
Stephanopoulos: you've got to be kidding me
Davis: whaaaaa
Stephanopoulos: so sad
Davis: the number of undecided voters is rising
Stephanopoulos: why is that
Davis: people are getting stupider
Stephanopoulos: i didn't think that wasn't possible
Davis: it is our key to winning
Stephanopoulos: it seems you are truly fucked
Davis: no we can still win new mexico
Stephanopoulos: dream on lunatic
Davis: no no no early voting trends to democrats - GOP voters are now in left hand lane at 15 mph
Stephanopoulos: i don't think so
Davis: we are going to win Pennsylvania
Stephanopoulos: prove it
Davis: the amish are very excited by McCain - they held a fundraiser: Amish Against Socialism
Stephanopoulos: Obama tied to your to Dick Cheney
Davis: Obama is engaging in the stale old politics of the past
Stephanopoulos: right...
Stephanopoulos: so is Davis right are you losing?
Axelrod: sure reality is biased against the pubic party
Stephanopoulos: you will lose because all your voters are early voters
Axelrod: yes i've heard the new GOP line is that McCain wins because people hate McCain so much they can't wait to defeat him
Stephanopoulos: can't you beat McCain like a rented mule
Axelrod: rented, bought, paid for, sold on eBay and served at Le Cirque for $100 a plate
Stephanopoulos: Mmmmmmmm....
Axelrod: We're drawing record crowds but we need all the hippies and kids to remember to vote
Stephanopoulos: Obama claims he hates lobbyists but hell we've all dabbled in lobbying in our time
Axelrod: true but they weren't Kenyan
Stephanopoulos: how many electoral votes will you get
Axelrod: a hell of a lot
Will: Obama has generated great enthusiasm in this election which is good news for McCain
Halperin: Obama is cheating by being popular in early voting
Brazille: so THIS is what a winning campaign looks like!
Stephanopoulos: is McCain fucked?
Matt Dowd: sure there are more democrats in the polls - cause there are more democrats after 8 years of Bush
Stephanopoulos: who the fuck is still undecided?
Dowd: they're retarded
Stephanopoulos: can Bob Barr win Georgia?
Will: yes he will benefit from a surge in african american voting
Stephanopoulos: who still supports McCain?
Brazille: robots they are making all his calls
Halperin: Obama will probably lose in 2012
Dowd: McCain will get more votes than Bush - and still lose
Stephanopoulos: what can we look forward to
Dowd: if Virginia goes to Obama then you can go to bed and dream sweet dreams of a black president
Stephanopoulos: turning points in the 2008 campaign?
Will: Iowa caucuses and killing reverend Right
Steph: McCain
Will: Palin and his being a shitty campaigner
Stephanopoulos: Obama opposing the war in 2002 and his address in 2004
Dowd: the turning point was the Iraq war - it killed Bush, weakened Hillary, and crippled Bush and McCain and gave us Obama
Halperin: hillary lost it but not just over the war
Brazille: howard dean won this election
Halperin: let's be fair - McCain made alot of really stupid decisions this election
Will: McCain should have been tougher and meaner and nastier - not so gentle and nice on race and accusing Obama of eating christian children
Dowd: George W. Bush has been a bad President and even a black guy with a funny name could have won this election ha ha
Steph: his speech on race was important
Brazille: i think of sunday bloody sunday
Steph: Palin / Bono 2012
Steph: what fascinates you
Halperin: Suununu - i love him so much and if he loses it proves reasonanable white men can't get a break
Dowd: poor poor white male conservatives
Will: poor poor poor Chris Shays if he loses it will proves that translucent closeted shitheads can't get a break
Brazile: i am so looking forward to Liddy Dole getting killed
Will: Obama wins North Dakota = 378 EC votes
Dowd: 338 EVs for the masai warrior
Halperin: 349 EVs for the magic negro
Brazille: 343 EV votes based on ground game for Baruch
Steph: Obama gets 353 - including Ohio and Florida
Dowd: um, what happened to the Permanent Repubic Majority??
Halperin: it's a 50/50 Nation
Steph: of course it's always 50 - 50 on teevee
Dowd: whatever fuckhead
Halperin: hey
Dowd: go shine my shoes dick
Halperin: [ bends down ]
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
November 2, 2008
***************************
Stephanopoulos: yur losing
Davis: no way dood
Stephanopoulos: why do u say that
Davis: pollz r biased against Republicans
Stephanopoulos: you've got to be kidding me
Davis: whaaaaa
Stephanopoulos: so sad
Davis: the number of undecided voters is rising
Stephanopoulos: why is that
Davis: people are getting stupider
Stephanopoulos: i didn't think that wasn't possible
Davis: it is our key to winning
Stephanopoulos: it seems you are truly fucked
Davis: no we can still win new mexico
Stephanopoulos: dream on lunatic
Davis: no no no early voting trends to democrats - GOP voters are now in left hand lane at 15 mph
Stephanopoulos: i don't think so
Davis: we are going to win Pennsylvania
Stephanopoulos: prove it
Davis: the amish are very excited by McCain - they held a fundraiser: Amish Against Socialism
Stephanopoulos: Obama tied to your to Dick Cheney
Davis: Obama is engaging in the stale old politics of the past
Stephanopoulos: right...
Stephanopoulos: so is Davis right are you losing?
Axelrod: sure reality is biased against the pubic party
Stephanopoulos: you will lose because all your voters are early voters
Axelrod: yes i've heard the new GOP line is that McCain wins because people hate McCain so much they can't wait to defeat him
Stephanopoulos: can't you beat McCain like a rented mule
Axelrod: rented, bought, paid for, sold on eBay and served at Le Cirque for $100 a plate
Stephanopoulos: Mmmmmmmm....
Axelrod: We're drawing record crowds but we need all the hippies and kids to remember to vote
Stephanopoulos: Obama claims he hates lobbyists but hell we've all dabbled in lobbying in our time
Axelrod: true but they weren't Kenyan
Stephanopoulos: how many electoral votes will you get
Axelrod: a hell of a lot
Will: Obama has generated great enthusiasm in this election which is good news for McCain
Halperin: Obama is cheating by being popular in early voting
Brazille: so THIS is what a winning campaign looks like!
Stephanopoulos: is McCain fucked?
Matt Dowd: sure there are more democrats in the polls - cause there are more democrats after 8 years of Bush
Stephanopoulos: who the fuck is still undecided?
Dowd: they're retarded
Stephanopoulos: can Bob Barr win Georgia?
Will: yes he will benefit from a surge in african american voting
Stephanopoulos: who still supports McCain?
Brazille: robots they are making all his calls
Halperin: Obama will probably lose in 2012
Dowd: McCain will get more votes than Bush - and still lose
Stephanopoulos: what can we look forward to
Dowd: if Virginia goes to Obama then you can go to bed and dream sweet dreams of a black president
Stephanopoulos: turning points in the 2008 campaign?
Will: Iowa caucuses and killing reverend Right
Steph: McCain
Will: Palin and his being a shitty campaigner
Stephanopoulos: Obama opposing the war in 2002 and his address in 2004
Dowd: the turning point was the Iraq war - it killed Bush, weakened Hillary, and crippled Bush and McCain and gave us Obama
Halperin: hillary lost it but not just over the war
Brazille: howard dean won this election
Halperin: let's be fair - McCain made alot of really stupid decisions this election
Will: McCain should have been tougher and meaner and nastier - not so gentle and nice on race and accusing Obama of eating christian children
Dowd: George W. Bush has been a bad President and even a black guy with a funny name could have won this election ha ha
Steph: his speech on race was important
Brazille: i think of sunday bloody sunday
Steph: Palin / Bono 2012
Steph: what fascinates you
Halperin: Suununu - i love him so much and if he loses it proves reasonanable white men can't get a break
Dowd: poor poor white male conservatives
Will: poor poor poor Chris Shays if he loses it will proves that translucent closeted shitheads can't get a break
Brazile: i am so looking forward to Liddy Dole getting killed
Will: Obama wins North Dakota = 378 EC votes
Dowd: 338 EVs for the masai warrior
Halperin: 349 EVs for the magic negro
Brazille: 343 EV votes based on ground game for Baruch
Steph: Obama gets 353 - including Ohio and Florida
Dowd: um, what happened to the Permanent Repubic Majority??
Halperin: it's a 50/50 Nation
Steph: of course it's always 50 - 50 on teevee
Dowd: whatever fuckhead
Halperin: hey
Dowd: go shine my shoes dick
Halperin: [ bends down ]
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The Obama TV Ad - October 29, 2008
****************
The Obama TV Ad
October 29, 2008
*****************
Scenes:
Waves of wheat
waves of hands
lots of white people
Obama: hi i'm barack obama and i;d like to be your black friend
now i know you're thinking, i aleady have a black friend, that guy down the street who i saw once in k-mart
but you're thinking do as i need as my new black friend this good looking guy in a slightly oval office?
Well, i'm here to tell you that i am in fact black, but a lot of white people like me, and i'm hoping you will too
white lady: hi, I had to put off an operation to make ends meet - and barack obama is going to be my new black friend
Obama: see that wasn't so hard
Obama in Colorado: small businesses are ok and btw i'm not a socialist
audience: hmmmmmm
Obama: a few weeks ago we found out what we suspected - that George Bush has nearly destroyed America
audience: well there is that
Obama: but i want to cut taxes for american business, grow the economy and keep people in their homes
tv audience: where's his koran and dashiki??
Pensioner: i wuz robbed
Obama: that sucks
McCain: commie!!!!
audience: he IS good looking
Sibelius: he's basically a white boy from kansas
Deval P: if i was any less scary i'd be pat boone
Hard Working black guy: i am a hard working black guy
Guys wife: i was sick and he had to go back to work
Bush: uniquely amerkin!
McCain: lazy fuckers
Obama: i love me some entepeneurs like Mortimer the Solar Panel Maker
Google CEO: he's MAH black frend!
Obama: fuck the CEOs!
Google: hey!
Obama: sorry dood
Teacher: peopel in this school are really struggling
McCain: only 12 houses so sad
Obama: the government cannot turn off the tv set
audience: we loves tv
Obama: i was raised by white people if that helps any
White Audience: so were we
Obama: i will recruit an army of zombie robots to teach our children
audience: yay
Obama: i'm will fight for college tuition in exchange for serving you county
McCain: no one gave me school for service
Obama: yes they did
McCain: oh right
Obama: my momma died fighting the insurance companies
Michelle: he reads harry potter to the kids and does all the voices too
audience: * sniff *
Durbin: we were all blown away
Claire McCaiskill: he purified DC
Biden: i turned to Dick Lugar and said whoa where did the eloquent black guy come from
Obama: its hard dwelling with mere mortal men
Obama: remember during ozzie and harriet and leave it to beaver after WWII America sat on top of the world
audience: good times
Obama: well forget it white people
audience: oh noes
Obama: my white grandfather fought with Patton
McCain: terroris-- aw fuck it
Obama: i will not be a perfect president but let's face i couldn't be any worse than Stupid
LIVE
OBAMA: in 6 days we can choose to reward work, invest in health care, energy, college or Senator Psycho and his Loony Sidekick from the Arctic
Obama: i will catch Osama but I also will not just send troops willy nilly
McCain: bomb bommb bomb iraq
Liebeman: you mean iran
McCain: whatever
Obama: this is for the coal miners and factory workers
Edwards: damm he's good
Hillary: dammit he's really good
Richardson: he's teh awesome
Obama: people i am asking you to fight with and vote for me and work for me and change this country and change the world
Crowd: YAAAAAAY
Audience: Swoon
The Obama TV Ad
October 29, 2008
*****************
Scenes:
Waves of wheat
waves of hands
lots of white people
Obama: hi i'm barack obama and i;d like to be your black friend
now i know you're thinking, i aleady have a black friend, that guy down the street who i saw once in k-mart
but you're thinking do as i need as my new black friend this good looking guy in a slightly oval office?
Well, i'm here to tell you that i am in fact black, but a lot of white people like me, and i'm hoping you will too
white lady: hi, I had to put off an operation to make ends meet - and barack obama is going to be my new black friend
Obama: see that wasn't so hard
Obama in Colorado: small businesses are ok and btw i'm not a socialist
audience: hmmmmmm
Obama: a few weeks ago we found out what we suspected - that George Bush has nearly destroyed America
audience: well there is that
Obama: but i want to cut taxes for american business, grow the economy and keep people in their homes
tv audience: where's his koran and dashiki??
Pensioner: i wuz robbed
Obama: that sucks
McCain: commie!!!!
audience: he IS good looking
Sibelius: he's basically a white boy from kansas
Deval P: if i was any less scary i'd be pat boone
Hard Working black guy: i am a hard working black guy
Guys wife: i was sick and he had to go back to work
Bush: uniquely amerkin!
McCain: lazy fuckers
Obama: i love me some entepeneurs like Mortimer the Solar Panel Maker
Google CEO: he's MAH black frend!
Obama: fuck the CEOs!
Google: hey!
Obama: sorry dood
Teacher: peopel in this school are really struggling
McCain: only 12 houses so sad
Obama: the government cannot turn off the tv set
audience: we loves tv
Obama: i was raised by white people if that helps any
White Audience: so were we
Obama: i will recruit an army of zombie robots to teach our children
audience: yay
Obama: i'm will fight for college tuition in exchange for serving you county
McCain: no one gave me school for service
Obama: yes they did
McCain: oh right
Obama: my momma died fighting the insurance companies
Michelle: he reads harry potter to the kids and does all the voices too
audience: * sniff *
Durbin: we were all blown away
Claire McCaiskill: he purified DC
Biden: i turned to Dick Lugar and said whoa where did the eloquent black guy come from
Obama: its hard dwelling with mere mortal men
Obama: remember during ozzie and harriet and leave it to beaver after WWII America sat on top of the world
audience: good times
Obama: well forget it white people
audience: oh noes
Obama: my white grandfather fought with Patton
McCain: terroris-- aw fuck it
Obama: i will not be a perfect president but let's face i couldn't be any worse than Stupid
LIVE
OBAMA: in 6 days we can choose to reward work, invest in health care, energy, college or Senator Psycho and his Loony Sidekick from the Arctic
Obama: i will catch Osama but I also will not just send troops willy nilly
McCain: bomb bommb bomb iraq
Liebeman: you mean iran
McCain: whatever
Obama: this is for the coal miners and factory workers
Edwards: damm he's good
Hillary: dammit he's really good
Richardson: he's teh awesome
Obama: people i am asking you to fight with and vote for me and work for me and change this country and change the world
Crowd: YAAAAAAY
Audience: Swoon
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Meet The Press with Colin Powell - October 19 2008
***********************************************
MEET THE PRESS
October 19, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Colin Powell
***********************************************
Brokaw: America and the whole world are facing a nightmare of crises like we have never had before
Powell: yes it's almost as bad as disco
Brokaw: indeed
Powell: we've got that crazy economy, wars all over the place, and we got to reach out to our friends like Pakistan and our enemies like Spain
Brokaw: daunting challenges!
Powell: we need an articulate guy
Brokaw: a novel idea
Powell: there's going to be a crisis on January 21st 2009
Brokaw: what is it!?
Powell: i can't tell you
Brokaw: wow!
Powell: we need a president that calms people down and that people like and trust
Brokaw: i smell an endorsement coming!!!
Powell: we need leadership with greening, energy, poverty, for needy people
Brokaw: you hate America, don't you?
Powell: I will endorse someone smart, ready, well-informed, patriotic, with good ideas-
Brokaw: spill the beans handsome
Powell: Ok - i know and like John McCain and I've met Barack Obama and I admire John McCain although the GOP is increasingly evil...
Brokaw: out with it buddy
Powell: okay i've given a test to them both and McCain has been ranting like a crazy person - he's an erratic possibly insane loony and frankly a jerk
Brokaw: but but but.....
Powell: Sarah Palin - i wouldn't hire to walk my dog without fucking it up
Brokaw: none of us would General - hell she shoots wolves
Powell: turns out Obama on the other hand is smart, inclusive, hopeful, reaching out, not dividing America
Brokaw: well there is that
Powell: then you have McCain, running a hateful, racist, evil, divisive, mean, nasty, dishonest, pathetic, shitty campaign
Brokaw: hey whatever works smoothie
Powell: Let's face it I didn't leave the GOP - the GOP left Planet Earth
Brokaw: but Obama might be a muslim
Powell: So what? So what if he were? How come no one ever says it's fucking racist and wrong to say a President can't be a Muslim???
Brokaw: they’re swarthy?
Powell: a 14 year old kid joined the army and died a hero under the Crescent and Star
Brokaw: maybe we can harness their fanaticism for our own ends
Powell: Obama is who we need NOW
Brokaw: but he has no experience!
Powell: he is a brilliant man, a snappy dresser, and a transformational figure, and a campaign genius
Brokaw: well you would say that - you are black
Powell: his race might help with the rest of the world
Brokaw: the world! Pheh!
Brokaw: will you beg Obama to please stay in Iraq?
Powell: hey if they Iraqis want us to leave we should leave
Brokaw: but it's been such a fun war to cover
Powell: Get over it Tom
Brokaw: Let's talk about William Ayers
Powell: [ smacks Brokaw ]
Brokaw: ow!
Powell: [ rolls eyes ]
Brokaw: Ayers is worst person in human history
Powell: i don't truck with no motherfuckin’ Weathermen and neither does Mister Obama
Brokaw: Lessons from Iraq?
Powell: Look I tried diplomacy but Bush was stupid and he was the President - in my defense the CIA lied to me
Brokaw: uh huh
Powell: Let's not argue about who lied about what - the real mistake was not killing more
Brokaw: true
Powell: we goofed - it's happens
Brokaw: Who care what you think then
Powell: Do you how many white people consider me their Black Friend?
Brokaw: no
Powell: Millions
Brokaw: You said Bush would be moderate and optimistic
Powell: Yes look at Liberia
Brokaw: [ head explodes ]
Powell: Tom your brains are all over my suit
Brokaw: sorry about that general
Powell: The Bush administration had a decent 5 minutes from 12:06 to 12:11 pm on Jan. 21 2001
Brokaw: Good times
Brokaw: Apologize to McCain!
Powell: We need a man younger than 100 years, a smart man, and reasonable man, a clever man, a sane man, a non-psycho-
Brokaw: okay you've made your point
Brokaw: you're black - do you think americans are racist?
Powell: yes
Brokaw: you're black - would you be Ambassador to Africa?
Powell: that's a continent Tom
Brokaw: Whatever
[ break ]
Brokaw: C-Todd gimme the polls
Todd: Ohio is an unmoved tie - but Obama has Wisconsin
Brokaw: hoh mai
Todd: Obama getting close in West Virginia
Brokaw: oh my gowd why
Todd: The economy - otherwise it's baffling
Brokaw: indeed
Todd: Obama's winning in Charlotte cause of banking and in Montana and the United States of Brokejaw
Tom: warble
Brokaw: can McCain win?
Todd: yes - if he can wheel people age 75 to 100 to the polls
Brokaw: can terry schiavo vote?
Todd: yes but she has endorsed Obama
Brokaw: Colin Powell - wow!
Scar: Obama is cheating by being right about everything
Tom: Florida?
Scar: Powell will help - he's a respected military dude
Brook: the Republican party left me and went into Ga Ga Land
Mitchell: I'm very worried about this - the GOP has become a hate filled looney party - a problem with centrist Republicans
Brokaw: both of them!?
Parson Meachem: this is like a Seal of Approval from Morgan Freeman playing God
Brokaw: how so?
Meachem: he's a stand alone brand he stands for 'Military Uprightness'
Brokaw: is that it?
Meachem: Understand that Powell has been America's Magic Negro for over a decade and a half
Scar: I want to warn the Obama campaign to focus on the states you must win - McCain closes strongly - forget N. Carolina and just take Florida and win this thing
Brokaw: what the fuck is wrong with John McCain Brooksie - what's his raisin detter?
Brooks: They made a decision not to run a likeable moderate maverick candidate and decided to run a hate-filled divisive mean campaign
Scar: now wait just a second - we all laugh at Sarah Palin now - but McCain will lose by less than he was in July
McCain: i hate President Bush!!!!
Crowd: Booooo Buuuuuuushhh!!!!
Obama: Buuuuuuuullshiiiit!!!
Mitchell: the fact is Obama is running a very sad nasty ad campign - on national television
Brokaw: what sleazy thing are they doing?
Mitchell: running a video of McCain talking in his own words
Brokaw: that's below the belt
Brokaw: this is not fair
Mitchell: indeed Obama is cheating by being popular
Tom: John Lewis said a mean thing
Parson Meachem: John Lewis is literally a Saint - They call him Bleeding Gums John
Brokaw: he gave his life for the cause of gingivitis
Meachem: McCain was likeable this week because he has conceded the election in his mind
Brokaw: Obama is going to win big with a Democratic Congress
Scar: this is a Republican country
Brokaw: it's bad news for liberals
Brooks: why have the liberals given us a huge debt and big spending!!!???
Brokaw: indeed those fucking liberals I already hate the failed Obama administration
******************************************************
|
MEET THE PRESS
October 19, 2008
Host: Tom Brokaw
Guest: Colin Powell
***********************************************
Brokaw: America and the whole world are facing a nightmare of crises like we have never had before
Powell: yes it's almost as bad as disco
Brokaw: indeed
Powell: we've got that crazy economy, wars all over the place, and we got to reach out to our friends like Pakistan and our enemies like Spain
Brokaw: daunting challenges!
Powell: we need an articulate guy
Brokaw: a novel idea
Powell: there's going to be a crisis on January 21st 2009
Brokaw: what is it!?
Powell: i can't tell you
Brokaw: wow!
Powell: we need a president that calms people down and that people like and trust
Brokaw: i smell an endorsement coming!!!
Powell: we need leadership with greening, energy, poverty, for needy people
Brokaw: you hate America, don't you?
Powell: I will endorse someone smart, ready, well-informed, patriotic, with good ideas-
Brokaw: spill the beans handsome
Powell: Ok - i know and like John McCain and I've met Barack Obama and I admire John McCain although the GOP is increasingly evil...
Brokaw: out with it buddy
Powell: okay i've given a test to them both and McCain has been ranting like a crazy person - he's an erratic possibly insane loony and frankly a jerk
Brokaw: but but but.....
Powell: Sarah Palin - i wouldn't hire to walk my dog without fucking it up
Brokaw: none of us would General - hell she shoots wolves
Powell: turns out Obama on the other hand is smart, inclusive, hopeful, reaching out, not dividing America
Brokaw: well there is that
Powell: then you have McCain, running a hateful, racist, evil, divisive, mean, nasty, dishonest, pathetic, shitty campaign
Brokaw: hey whatever works smoothie
Powell: Let's face it I didn't leave the GOP - the GOP left Planet Earth
Brokaw: but Obama might be a muslim
Powell: So what? So what if he were? How come no one ever says it's fucking racist and wrong to say a President can't be a Muslim???
Brokaw: they’re swarthy?
Powell: a 14 year old kid joined the army and died a hero under the Crescent and Star
Brokaw: maybe we can harness their fanaticism for our own ends
Powell: Obama is who we need NOW
Brokaw: but he has no experience!
Powell: he is a brilliant man, a snappy dresser, and a transformational figure, and a campaign genius
Brokaw: well you would say that - you are black
Powell: his race might help with the rest of the world
Brokaw: the world! Pheh!
Brokaw: will you beg Obama to please stay in Iraq?
Powell: hey if they Iraqis want us to leave we should leave
Brokaw: but it's been such a fun war to cover
Powell: Get over it Tom
Brokaw: Let's talk about William Ayers
Powell: [ smacks Brokaw ]
Brokaw: ow!
Powell: [ rolls eyes ]
Brokaw: Ayers is worst person in human history
Powell: i don't truck with no motherfuckin’ Weathermen and neither does Mister Obama
Brokaw: Lessons from Iraq?
Powell: Look I tried diplomacy but Bush was stupid and he was the President - in my defense the CIA lied to me
Brokaw: uh huh
Powell: Let's not argue about who lied about what - the real mistake was not killing more
Brokaw: true
Powell: we goofed - it's happens
Brokaw: Who care what you think then
Powell: Do you how many white people consider me their Black Friend?
Brokaw: no
Powell: Millions
Brokaw: You said Bush would be moderate and optimistic
Powell: Yes look at Liberia
Brokaw: [ head explodes ]
Powell: Tom your brains are all over my suit
Brokaw: sorry about that general
Powell: The Bush administration had a decent 5 minutes from 12:06 to 12:11 pm on Jan. 21 2001
Brokaw: Good times
Brokaw: Apologize to McCain!
Powell: We need a man younger than 100 years, a smart man, and reasonable man, a clever man, a sane man, a non-psycho-
Brokaw: okay you've made your point
Brokaw: you're black - do you think americans are racist?
Powell: yes
Brokaw: you're black - would you be Ambassador to Africa?
Powell: that's a continent Tom
Brokaw: Whatever
[ break ]
Brokaw: C-Todd gimme the polls
Todd: Ohio is an unmoved tie - but Obama has Wisconsin
Brokaw: hoh mai
Todd: Obama getting close in West Virginia
Brokaw: oh my gowd why
Todd: The economy - otherwise it's baffling
Brokaw: indeed
Todd: Obama's winning in Charlotte cause of banking and in Montana and the United States of Brokejaw
Tom: warble
Brokaw: can McCain win?
Todd: yes - if he can wheel people age 75 to 100 to the polls
Brokaw: can terry schiavo vote?
Todd: yes but she has endorsed Obama
Brokaw: Colin Powell - wow!
Scar: Obama is cheating by being right about everything
Tom: Florida?
Scar: Powell will help - he's a respected military dude
Brook: the Republican party left me and went into Ga Ga Land
Mitchell: I'm very worried about this - the GOP has become a hate filled looney party - a problem with centrist Republicans
Brokaw: both of them!?
Parson Meachem: this is like a Seal of Approval from Morgan Freeman playing God
Brokaw: how so?
Meachem: he's a stand alone brand he stands for 'Military Uprightness'
Brokaw: is that it?
Meachem: Understand that Powell has been America's Magic Negro for over a decade and a half
Scar: I want to warn the Obama campaign to focus on the states you must win - McCain closes strongly - forget N. Carolina and just take Florida and win this thing
Brokaw: what the fuck is wrong with John McCain Brooksie - what's his raisin detter?
Brooks: They made a decision not to run a likeable moderate maverick candidate and decided to run a hate-filled divisive mean campaign
Scar: now wait just a second - we all laugh at Sarah Palin now - but McCain will lose by less than he was in July
McCain: i hate President Bush!!!!
Crowd: Booooo Buuuuuuushhh!!!!
Obama: Buuuuuuuullshiiiit!!!
Mitchell: the fact is Obama is running a very sad nasty ad campign - on national television
Brokaw: what sleazy thing are they doing?
Mitchell: running a video of McCain talking in his own words
Brokaw: that's below the belt
Brokaw: this is not fair
Mitchell: indeed Obama is cheating by being popular
Tom: John Lewis said a mean thing
Parson Meachem: John Lewis is literally a Saint - They call him Bleeding Gums John
Brokaw: he gave his life for the cause of gingivitis
Meachem: McCain was likeable this week because he has conceded the election in his mind
Brokaw: Obama is going to win big with a Democratic Congress
Scar: this is a Republican country
Brokaw: it's bad news for liberals
Brooks: why have the liberals given us a huge debt and big spending!!!???
Brokaw: indeed those fucking liberals I already hate the failed Obama administration
******************************************************
|
The Chris Matthews Show - October 19, 2008
********************************
The Chris Matthews Show - October 19, 2008
October 19, 2008
*********************************
Chris: Is Obama inevitable?
Whitaker: we've made progress in America - but not that much
Kay: some people say that Obama lacks character and may be a terrorist
Chris: hell Katty - even karl rove thinks McCain is doomed
Parker: Swing voters are a strange breed - no one knows what they will do
Sullivan: the ground game won it for the Republicans in 2004 but this time the Obama campaign has the best we've ever seen
Kay: Obama is doomed
Chris: Obama can't win big states
Whitaker: Obama is relying on young people and black people - so it's all up in the air
Parker: the kids today with the Fish concerts!
Chris: are the GOP motivated?
Sullivan: moderates Republicans are motivated -- to vote for Obama!!
Chris: who won the week?
Panel: Obama for the fifth week in a row
Kay: those fucking debates!
Whitaker: cindy was at the debate with her jewish friend and her gay friend - Joe Lieberman and Linsday Graham
Chris: how can McCain win?
Kay: Robocalls calling Obama a Zulu warrior
Chris: wow!!
Kay: McCain doesn't like to do this
Parker: Obama has no experience being a lying fuck-up
Sullivan: if McCain keeps this up everyone in American will hate him
Chris: the only funny Republican in America Chris Buckley likes Obama so of course he fled the National Review
Parker: i am a conservative but Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot
Chris: so of course they smeared you
Parker: being qualified is considered elitist
Sullivan: joe the plumber gives more press conferences than her!
Chris: i like him!
Sullivan: The GOP is now full of radicals with expansive big government and spending and debt and aggressive foreign policy -- not like sweet cuddly small government tingly guys like Ronald Reagan
Kay: anyone smart is dismissed in the GOP as a hoity-toity elitist with their fancy clean scapels and snobby lighter than air aeroplanes
Kay: The Smearing of Obama is amazing - Sacramento GOP saying Obama should be waterboarded
Whitaker: Come Now the Election Lawyers -- Dems have 5,000 ready
Parker: Dems believe in a Surge - in Florida!!
Sully, 5th Columnist: The GOP will blame Obama's win on suspicious lying communist black people
Chris: why did Obama lose to Hillary in the debates and not McCain
Kay: she got under his skin
Parker: she's smarter than McCain
Whitaker: Obama knew he could needle McCain because the guys is a hothead - and he did
Sullivan: Obama is boring and that's what America wants now
The Chris Matthews Show - October 19, 2008
October 19, 2008
*********************************
Chris: Is Obama inevitable?
Whitaker: we've made progress in America - but not that much
Kay: some people say that Obama lacks character and may be a terrorist
Chris: hell Katty - even karl rove thinks McCain is doomed
Parker: Swing voters are a strange breed - no one knows what they will do
Sullivan: the ground game won it for the Republicans in 2004 but this time the Obama campaign has the best we've ever seen
Kay: Obama is doomed
Chris: Obama can't win big states
Whitaker: Obama is relying on young people and black people - so it's all up in the air
Parker: the kids today with the Fish concerts!
Chris: are the GOP motivated?
Sullivan: moderates Republicans are motivated -- to vote for Obama!!
Chris: who won the week?
Panel: Obama for the fifth week in a row
Kay: those fucking debates!
Whitaker: cindy was at the debate with her jewish friend and her gay friend - Joe Lieberman and Linsday Graham
Chris: how can McCain win?
Kay: Robocalls calling Obama a Zulu warrior
Chris: wow!!
Kay: McCain doesn't like to do this
Parker: Obama has no experience being a lying fuck-up
Sullivan: if McCain keeps this up everyone in American will hate him
Chris: the only funny Republican in America Chris Buckley likes Obama so of course he fled the National Review
Parker: i am a conservative but Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot
Chris: so of course they smeared you
Parker: being qualified is considered elitist
Sullivan: joe the plumber gives more press conferences than her!
Chris: i like him!
Sullivan: The GOP is now full of radicals with expansive big government and spending and debt and aggressive foreign policy -- not like sweet cuddly small government tingly guys like Ronald Reagan
Kay: anyone smart is dismissed in the GOP as a hoity-toity elitist with their fancy clean scapels and snobby lighter than air aeroplanes
Kay: The Smearing of Obama is amazing - Sacramento GOP saying Obama should be waterboarded
Whitaker: Come Now the Election Lawyers -- Dems have 5,000 ready
Parker: Dems believe in a Surge - in Florida!!
Sully, 5th Columnist: The GOP will blame Obama's win on suspicious lying communist black people
Chris: why did Obama lose to Hillary in the debates and not McCain
Kay: she got under his skin
Parker: she's smarter than McCain
Whitaker: Obama knew he could needle McCain because the guys is a hothead - and he did
Sullivan: Obama is boring and that's what America wants now
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Presidential Debate - October 15, 2008
**********************************************
Presidential Debate
Hofstra University
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. John McCain
Host: Robert Schieffer
October 16, 2008
**********************************************
Schieffer: please applaud for the final debate of this tortuous campaign!!
Audience: yaaaaaaaay!!!!
Schieffer: First question - McCain you want to cut taxes for rich white people while you Obama want to give all the money to liberals and blacks
McCain: thanks to Hofstra and hi Barack
{ refuses to look }
People are very very very angry like me I am also very very angry
Obama: [ whistles ]
McCain: the cause of this crisis was Fannie Mae and Freddie giving money to poor people - now let's go out and buy all the irresponsible people a free house
Obama: yeah thanks to Hofstra and Wayne Chrebet and nice to see you John
McCain: [ looks away ]
Obama: my plan has three prongs - one lets get lots of jobs, two let people dip into IRAs; three, stop John McCain from giving a trillion dollars to the banks
McCain: Barack Obama met Joe the Plumber the other day and he found out that he was going make $250,000 a year when Obama is President and he got very depressed doggone it and I won't stand for some darkie coming along taking money from Joe the Plumber or the Rosie the Riveter or Mack the Knife
Obama: you forgot Exxon the Bird Killer or Halliburton the Murderer or WalMart the Sweat Shopper
McCain: why do Democrats always love taxes let's not have any taxes
Obama: you have to pay for the stuff you want
McCain: [throws self on the floor, cries, pounds fists ]
no no no no no no no no no
Schieffer: what about the deficits??
Obama: i will go through the budget line by line and highlight the really racy parts
Bob: oooooh
Obama: we should cure cancer and invent cold fusion that would be really good
McCain: speaking of home ownership obviously we should artificially prop up home prices-
Bob: what would you cut?
McCain: Tide, solar, wind
Bob: are you mental?
McCain: we owe China! I will eliminate programs like the one in that movie the Dave! I know how to save billions!
Bob: name something
McCain: I would eliminate tarriffs on sugar
Schieffer: name an expense you twit
McCain: Overhead Projectors
Obama: you *are* an Overhead Projector
Schieffer: can you balance the budget
McCain: hey i'm not President Bush for one thing I'm older and even weirder
Obama: you voted for all of Bush's budgets
McCain: he voted for the energy bill! Racists for America voted for me!
Obama: hey dude you have been a supporter of President Bush and every one knows it
McCain: i fought the Republican party and have the scars to prove - heck i opposed the war in Iraq!! hell I could go on all night on bad ideas the Republicans have had!
Schieffer: McCain is senile and Obama is a terrorist - say it to his face! Go!
McCain: if Obama had agreed to my town hall meetings I would not have called him a terrorist - but clearly the worst thing was what John Lewis said - also Obama is an untrustworthy liar
Obama: John 100% of your ads have been negative - but John unemployed americans are not interested you poor widdle hurt feelings
McCain: whaaaaaaaaaaaa
Obama: John the notion that you had to smear me because I wouldn't agree to Town Hall meetings is fucking stupid
McCain: you misportray me with so so so much money so of course people in my crowds shout out "kill him" what the hell do you expect!?
Obama: people at John's rallies are shouting "Kill him"
McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]
Obama: the american people have a choice - the hateful lunatic or me
McCain: How dare you attack veterans and patriotic people and I'm not going to stand for it!
Schieffer: are you going to let him say that Barack?
Obama: oh for god's sake I don't think McCain is a bad person
McCain: we need to know the full extent of his full relationship with Bill Ayers the Famous Terrorist and ACORN which is destroying the very fabric of America
Obama: [ laughs ]
Obama: you mean Bill Ayers the friend to Ronald Reagan, or ACORN the group that registers people???
McCain: he's BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obama: i have lots of white friends like Paul Volcker and Warren Buffet and Jim Jones
Schieffer: [ drinks kool aid ]
McCain: we just need to know all the facts of his terror leanings and my campaign is about jobs and economics and I won't raise taxes
Obama: [ kicks McCain under the table ]
Schieffer: Your Vice Presidents - defend them!
Obama: Biden is brilliant and he was born a poor white child
McCain: I have fought against the Old White Boy network and Palin understands that autism is on the rise
Obama: if we have an across the board spending freeze john we can't help autistic kids
McCain: Biden is not qualified - why he did want to invade Iraq or Kuwait and frankly i know this will shock you but he is a white man - why do we always have to have white men - why not a change for once???
Schieffer: energy?
McCain: i will take white oil but not the brown people's oil
Obama: uh huh
McCain: hybrid clean coal wind solar
Obama: hmmm
McCain: you don't tell a country you're going to renegotiate a treaty for god's sake they might sell oil to china!
Obama: nice to see the Republicans jump on yet another liberal bandwagon
[ Jimmy Carter, watching at home]
FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!
[ throws beer can at tv ]
Obama: hell yeah I will renegotiate NAFTA
McCain: we have to drill now right now!!
Obama: idiot
McCain: he opposes free trade with Columbia - for god's sake where are you we going to get cocaine in the coming Depression???
Obama: oh i understand it very well john - unsurprisingly Bush's agreement tramples on worker's rights but the point is we need to a President who does not have his head jammed firmly up his ass
McCain: let me smear Obama one more time and Obama wants to hang out with terrorists like Hugo Chavez
Obama: yeah that's me
McCain: Obama wants to raise taxes and force people to marry gay terrorists arab muslims - just like Herbert Hoover
Schieffer: health insurance
Obama: we will lower costs across the nation and put everyone in giant pool that is cheap - and when elderly Senators start to die it will be even cheaper
McCain: oh i do feel for people who don't have insurance so so so sad -- so my solution is putting health care records online, fewer fat kids, force employers to make their employers thin
Schieffer: that's it?
McCain: we should cut capital gains taxes and offer tax credits and what will your fine for Joe the Plumber ???
Obama: Zero
McCain: [ squeaky voice ] zero??
Obama: ZERO motherfucker!
McCain: erp
Obama: hey maybe Joe doesn't have health insurance i will help you get it - now let's talk about John McCain's plan
McCain: yay!
Obama: for god's sake he's going to destroy the employer based health care system - he's going to tax your health care benefits - PLUS insurance costs $12,000
McCain: spread the wealth! Joe you're rich! Congrats! But what about your family, your children, and your employees
Obama: you forgot slaves
McCain: them too
McCain: Look the Senator Government wants to Jew the Dog
Schieffer: what?
Obama: don't worry he's rolling
Schieffer: Barry?
Obama: the motherfucking US Chamber of Commerce supports my plan fucker
Schieffer: Rove Wade
McCain: look i don't care but i had a little club of 14 and we invited Barack Obama to join and that little uppity bastard said no
Bob: who would you nominate?
McCain: a smart Frenchman
Obama: good people can disagree on this issue
McCain: that leaves you out terrorist
Obama: the Constitution has a right to privacy and you don' put those out to a popular vote
McCain: fuck the constitution who let this negro on the stage with me anyway
Obama: here's an example the court agreed that women are discriminated against and the court said sorry too late
McCain: fucking trial lawyers always talking about the law in courts and trials
McCain: he voted present and with the pro abortion movement to kill little living babies
Obama: if John McCain is beginning to sound like an erratic crazy man -- it's because he is
McCain: baby killer!!!
Obama: take your pro abortion rhetoric and stuff it
McCain: health! You prove anything with health!!
Schieffer: education?
Obama: i want American kids to learn - so I support college money in exchange for service -- also speaking of Bill Cosby we need parents to help kids
Bob: sounds good but you are black
Obama: I can't wait to hear how tax cuts for Joe the Plumber will lead to small government and little dead babies
McCain: I am pro choice when it comes to education - the answer as always is Darwinian competion and charter schools and also blame the teachers
Bob: like who
McCain: forget certification - we need to put troops who recently were shooting people into our public schools
Bob: fuck yeah!
Obama: hey i doubled the number of charter schools - but it has to be paid for
McCain: Vouchers! and Cindy and your wife got choose! That was vouchers!
[ looks at Obama ]
[ stares intently at Obama ]
McCain: throwing money at problems that aren't investment banks isn't the answer!
Obama: the DC school system is bad that's true
McCain: vouchers!!
Obama: oh did he forget to mention that his plan leaves out 49 states?
McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]
Bob: final statements!
McCain: my friends we need to oppose the white old boy network and i have an impressive boring record of grandstanding and i will continue to say stupid crazy shit when i am president --- now i ask you -- can you really trust that arab muslim negro terrorist sitting there -- now please reward me for being an POW and my grandfather serving George Washington thank you
Obama: Insanity is John McCain doing what George Bush has done and expecting a different result -- but look we are going to spend and yes tax so we can grow the middle class - it will be hard and we need to come together and sacrifice - i ask for you vote so i can work tirelessly - not like some decrepit old man - on your behalf - thank you
Schieffer: I for one welcome our new Kenyan-American Overlord
****************************
Presidential Debate
Hofstra University
Sen. Barack Obama
Sen. John McCain
Host: Robert Schieffer
October 16, 2008
**********************************************
Schieffer: please applaud for the final debate of this tortuous campaign!!
Audience: yaaaaaaaay!!!!
Schieffer: First question - McCain you want to cut taxes for rich white people while you Obama want to give all the money to liberals and blacks
McCain: thanks to Hofstra and hi Barack
{ refuses to look }
People are very very very angry like me I am also very very angry
Obama: [ whistles ]
McCain: the cause of this crisis was Fannie Mae and Freddie giving money to poor people - now let's go out and buy all the irresponsible people a free house
Obama: yeah thanks to Hofstra and Wayne Chrebet and nice to see you John
McCain: [ looks away ]
Obama: my plan has three prongs - one lets get lots of jobs, two let people dip into IRAs; three, stop John McCain from giving a trillion dollars to the banks
McCain: Barack Obama met Joe the Plumber the other day and he found out that he was going make $250,000 a year when Obama is President and he got very depressed doggone it and I won't stand for some darkie coming along taking money from Joe the Plumber or the Rosie the Riveter or Mack the Knife
Obama: you forgot Exxon the Bird Killer or Halliburton the Murderer or WalMart the Sweat Shopper
McCain: why do Democrats always love taxes let's not have any taxes
Obama: you have to pay for the stuff you want
McCain: [throws self on the floor, cries, pounds fists ]
no no no no no no no no no
Schieffer: what about the deficits??
Obama: i will go through the budget line by line and highlight the really racy parts
Bob: oooooh
Obama: we should cure cancer and invent cold fusion that would be really good
McCain: speaking of home ownership obviously we should artificially prop up home prices-
Bob: what would you cut?
McCain: Tide, solar, wind
Bob: are you mental?
McCain: we owe China! I will eliminate programs like the one in that movie the Dave! I know how to save billions!
Bob: name something
McCain: I would eliminate tarriffs on sugar
Schieffer: name an expense you twit
McCain: Overhead Projectors
Obama: you *are* an Overhead Projector
Schieffer: can you balance the budget
McCain: hey i'm not President Bush for one thing I'm older and even weirder
Obama: you voted for all of Bush's budgets
McCain: he voted for the energy bill! Racists for America voted for me!
Obama: hey dude you have been a supporter of President Bush and every one knows it
McCain: i fought the Republican party and have the scars to prove - heck i opposed the war in Iraq!! hell I could go on all night on bad ideas the Republicans have had!
Schieffer: McCain is senile and Obama is a terrorist - say it to his face! Go!
McCain: if Obama had agreed to my town hall meetings I would not have called him a terrorist - but clearly the worst thing was what John Lewis said - also Obama is an untrustworthy liar
Obama: John 100% of your ads have been negative - but John unemployed americans are not interested you poor widdle hurt feelings
McCain: whaaaaaaaaaaaa
Obama: John the notion that you had to smear me because I wouldn't agree to Town Hall meetings is fucking stupid
McCain: you misportray me with so so so much money so of course people in my crowds shout out "kill him" what the hell do you expect!?
Obama: people at John's rallies are shouting "Kill him"
McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]
Obama: the american people have a choice - the hateful lunatic or me
McCain: How dare you attack veterans and patriotic people and I'm not going to stand for it!
Schieffer: are you going to let him say that Barack?
Obama: oh for god's sake I don't think McCain is a bad person
McCain: we need to know the full extent of his full relationship with Bill Ayers the Famous Terrorist and ACORN which is destroying the very fabric of America
Obama: [ laughs ]
Obama: you mean Bill Ayers the friend to Ronald Reagan, or ACORN the group that registers people???
McCain: he's BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obama: i have lots of white friends like Paul Volcker and Warren Buffet and Jim Jones
Schieffer: [ drinks kool aid ]
McCain: we just need to know all the facts of his terror leanings and my campaign is about jobs and economics and I won't raise taxes
Obama: [ kicks McCain under the table ]
Schieffer: Your Vice Presidents - defend them!
Obama: Biden is brilliant and he was born a poor white child
McCain: I have fought against the Old White Boy network and Palin understands that autism is on the rise
Obama: if we have an across the board spending freeze john we can't help autistic kids
McCain: Biden is not qualified - why he did want to invade Iraq or Kuwait and frankly i know this will shock you but he is a white man - why do we always have to have white men - why not a change for once???
Schieffer: energy?
McCain: i will take white oil but not the brown people's oil
Obama: uh huh
McCain: hybrid clean coal wind solar
Obama: hmmm
McCain: you don't tell a country you're going to renegotiate a treaty for god's sake they might sell oil to china!
Obama: nice to see the Republicans jump on yet another liberal bandwagon
[ Jimmy Carter, watching at home]
FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!
[ throws beer can at tv ]
Obama: hell yeah I will renegotiate NAFTA
McCain: we have to drill now right now!!
Obama: idiot
McCain: he opposes free trade with Columbia - for god's sake where are you we going to get cocaine in the coming Depression???
Obama: oh i understand it very well john - unsurprisingly Bush's agreement tramples on worker's rights but the point is we need to a President who does not have his head jammed firmly up his ass
McCain: let me smear Obama one more time and Obama wants to hang out with terrorists like Hugo Chavez
Obama: yeah that's me
McCain: Obama wants to raise taxes and force people to marry gay terrorists arab muslims - just like Herbert Hoover
Schieffer: health insurance
Obama: we will lower costs across the nation and put everyone in giant pool that is cheap - and when elderly Senators start to die it will be even cheaper
McCain: oh i do feel for people who don't have insurance so so so sad -- so my solution is putting health care records online, fewer fat kids, force employers to make their employers thin
Schieffer: that's it?
McCain: we should cut capital gains taxes and offer tax credits and what will your fine for Joe the Plumber ???
Obama: Zero
McCain: [ squeaky voice ] zero??
Obama: ZERO motherfucker!
McCain: erp
Obama: hey maybe Joe doesn't have health insurance i will help you get it - now let's talk about John McCain's plan
McCain: yay!
Obama: for god's sake he's going to destroy the employer based health care system - he's going to tax your health care benefits - PLUS insurance costs $12,000
McCain: spread the wealth! Joe you're rich! Congrats! But what about your family, your children, and your employees
Obama: you forgot slaves
McCain: them too
McCain: Look the Senator Government wants to Jew the Dog
Schieffer: what?
Obama: don't worry he's rolling
Schieffer: Barry?
Obama: the motherfucking US Chamber of Commerce supports my plan fucker
Schieffer: Rove Wade
McCain: look i don't care but i had a little club of 14 and we invited Barack Obama to join and that little uppity bastard said no
Bob: who would you nominate?
McCain: a smart Frenchman
Obama: good people can disagree on this issue
McCain: that leaves you out terrorist
Obama: the Constitution has a right to privacy and you don' put those out to a popular vote
McCain: fuck the constitution who let this negro on the stage with me anyway
Obama: here's an example the court agreed that women are discriminated against and the court said sorry too late
McCain: fucking trial lawyers always talking about the law in courts and trials
McCain: he voted present and with the pro abortion movement to kill little living babies
Obama: if John McCain is beginning to sound like an erratic crazy man -- it's because he is
McCain: baby killer!!!
Obama: take your pro abortion rhetoric and stuff it
McCain: health! You prove anything with health!!
Schieffer: education?
Obama: i want American kids to learn - so I support college money in exchange for service -- also speaking of Bill Cosby we need parents to help kids
Bob: sounds good but you are black
Obama: I can't wait to hear how tax cuts for Joe the Plumber will lead to small government and little dead babies
McCain: I am pro choice when it comes to education - the answer as always is Darwinian competion and charter schools and also blame the teachers
Bob: like who
McCain: forget certification - we need to put troops who recently were shooting people into our public schools
Bob: fuck yeah!
Obama: hey i doubled the number of charter schools - but it has to be paid for
McCain: Vouchers! and Cindy and your wife got choose! That was vouchers!
[ looks at Obama ]
[ stares intently at Obama ]
McCain: throwing money at problems that aren't investment banks isn't the answer!
Obama: the DC school system is bad that's true
McCain: vouchers!!
Obama: oh did he forget to mention that his plan leaves out 49 states?
McCain: [ laughs maniacally ]
Bob: final statements!
McCain: my friends we need to oppose the white old boy network and i have an impressive boring record of grandstanding and i will continue to say stupid crazy shit when i am president --- now i ask you -- can you really trust that arab muslim negro terrorist sitting there -- now please reward me for being an POW and my grandfather serving George Washington thank you
Obama: Insanity is John McCain doing what George Bush has done and expecting a different result -- but look we are going to spend and yes tax so we can grow the middle class - it will be hard and we need to come together and sacrifice - i ask for you vote so i can work tirelessly - not like some decrepit old man - on your behalf - thank you
Schieffer: I for one welcome our new Kenyan-American Overlord
****************************
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Presidential Debate - October 7, 2008
*****************************************************
Presidential Debate
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Belmont University
Nashville, Tennessee
Candidates:
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Tom Brokaw
**********************************************
Brokaw: welcome the Black Guy and the Old Guy
Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap
Brokaw: I understand McCain is still napping so Obama will go first
Audience Question: when do i get my damm bailout???
Obama: thanks to George Bush we are in teh worst financial crisis since the Great Depression
Audience: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Obama: John McCain and George Bush thought deregulation would rain prosperity on all us - well it's raining on our haids but it's not water
Audience: oooooooh
McCain: Senator Obama thanks for finally showing up to one of my town hall debates - you little snot
Obama: uh huh
McCain: my answer to the question is energy independence, peace in the world, cutting taxes, and raising home values
Question: how do w do that?
McCain: the federal government is too big -- so the federal government should buy every American a free house
Audience: yaaaay
McCain: that little snot didn't think of this -- i thought of it all by myself
Brokaw: who would you hire as Sec. of the Treasury?
McCain: not you Tom - you fuckin’ bastard
Brokaw: testy fucker aren't you?
McCain: i would hire Obama's buddy Warren Buffet or Meg Whitman - maybe we can all get jobs on eBay - only by raising the vaues of benie babies will the US economy get back on track
Brokaw: oh ok
McCain: this whole housing crisis is the fault of Obama and his cronies in Washington DC -- ooh it makes me so mad when I think of those politicians in Washington DC
Obama: Uh in March John McCain bragged that he was big deregulator and 2 years ago I was warning that this was a problem while he was begging money from Fannie Mae
Brokaw: are we fucked??
Obama: no - but we must get people in their homes and have energy and change Washington
McCain: the economy will only get better if you elect an outsider to Washington like me - why Obama doesn't even sign my letters to NBC demanding they bring back Matlock!!
Audience: star trek! firefly!
Question: i hate both you fuckers
Obama: gee nice to talk to you too lady
Question: i don't trust politicians
Obama: and you know why - because the conservative movement wants you to hate government and mistrust politicians so they can destroy it
Audience: it's working
McCain: sure you're cynical - but you have never been exposed to my high bipartisan glow
Audience: ooh
McCain: he's never taken on his own party on anything!!
Obama: why the fuck should I??
McCain: he's a big spending liberal not endorsed by the national taxpayers union or the white people's party
Obama: asshole
McCain: this little shit voted for a billion dollars in earmarks - god it makes me sick
Brokaw: which Republican policy would support the most, entitlement reform or medicare reform or putting Reagan on Mount Rushmore?
Obama: do i get to talk?
Brokaw: fuck off darkie
McCain: my friends some of the $700 billion will end up in the hands of terrorists like al qaeda or PBS
Obama: Russian and Venezuala and Iran win everytime you take a joyride down the highway
Audience: but the wind goes through my hair when the top is down!
Ahmedinejad: my plan it is working
Obama: yeah I'm against waste - big fucking deal
Question: How about sacrifice? What would you cut like a good republican?
McCain: Everything -- all of it - freeze spending on every single thing
Brokaw: that's ridiculous
McCain: look we're not rifle shots here we're Americans
Obama: sacrifice isn't just about Republican policies - although they do seem to go hand in hand - Bush told us to go out and shop after 9/11 but i will challenge all Americans to inflate their tires and install low flush toilets
Audience: oh no!!
Brokaw: George Bush is drunk but I say the American people got drunk on emergency health care and homes for black people!
Obama: thanks again for the Republican talking points Tom
Tom: I'm not even aware I'm doing it
Obama: earmarks terrific - dammit Tom you're berating poor people while rich people have gold plated shower cutains and schoolteachers live on mac and cheese
McCain: Barack Obama is just like Herbert Hoover - why if we elect Obama we could enter a recession
Obama: oh really??
McCain: poor widdle small businesses will die because of the black man
McCain: we are in very tough economic times so I will shower the American people with money - money for children money for health care
[ throws money in the air dances around giddily ]
Brokaw: speaking of the Republican agenda - everyone agrees that we have to reform entitlements and social security
Obama: if Rush Limbaugh speaking directly into your earpiece?
Brokaw: [whispers]
no rush I don't have any oxy or tickets to borneo
Obama: John McCain is big liar
McCain: [ demented cackle ]
my friends the answer is simple our wonderful ronald Reagan… obama have never taken on… i'm not popular… my friends… medicare… we need a base closing commission and rhetoric and …records and 94 times to increase taxes or not to cut taxes look at our records.. my friends
Obama: what the fuck did that old dude just say
Question: environmental issues?!?
McCain: as you know i'm a hero and i bucked my party supporting the environment - did Obama oppose his party by voting to despoil the environment? Noooo
Obama: what the fuck
McCain: hybirds and hydrogen and battery powered flying cars and we can have SUV's running on nuclear fuel my friends
Obama: or we could act like non-crazy people and invest like when the Pentagon invented the computer
McCain: damm keyboards!
Brokaw: gentlemen obey my rules!
McCain: i'm going to bring up the 2005 energy bill and you know how voted for it - that ONE
[ points demonically ]
my friends i oppose all spending and waste and we have to drill now and look at the record Obama has approved storing nuclear fuel
Question: Senator would you like a nap?
Question: health care?!
Obama: ok you can keep you're health care and we will lower costs and then we will let anyone buy into the Congressional plan -- what McCain is not about to tell you is that he won't exclude preexisting conditions or that he will destroy employer based health care
McCain: yurp
Brokaw: your answer?
McCain: we need to do things like put health care records on eBay and have walk in clinics - what a big government bastard Obama is
McCain: why can't you go across state lines to buy health inusurance - look if we tax it 95% will have no choice but to shop around for cool cheap hyundai health care plans and that will prove us right
Obama: that's so fucking punitive
McCain: no no no no one will go without health care because parents will always give health care to their children even if they have to marry a beer heiress to do it
Brokaw: what are you promising?
McCain: look obviously employers will give their employees health care duh
Obama: my mother died fighting insurers you dick - look sure parents should get insurance but now i think we all he Gramps the marketplace will take care of everything well we all will have to get Arizona health care and before you know we will all be suffering under Joe Biden's home state's rules
McCain: i was watching ‘Wheel of Fortune’ what did he say?
Question: world peace?
McCain: I am so sick of Obama bashing america tonight when we have shed so much blood - look sure america sucks but we are still a good nation but we know Obama was wrong to oppose invading Iraq
Brokaw Sen-
McCain: my friends-
Obama: yeah I don't understand. I don't understand why the fuck we let Osama bin Laden go while we invaded the wrong country why the maniacal cheerleader over there said we'd be greeted as liberators
McCain: yaaaaaaaaay
Obama: a trillion dollars we spent while Iraq has a surplus - people we are a laughing stock and a declining empire
Brokaw: will you promise not to help poor brown people
Obama: no i will not - of course we should act if we can - if we could have stopped the Holocaust who among us would not?
McCain: my friends he's a surrender monkey
McCain: there we no weapons of mass desturction and saddam was defeated and Obama would have brought us home in defeat
Brokaw: oh noe
McCain: i told ronald reagan 300 dead marines is unacceptable but i told Bush 4,000 soldiers dead is just dandy
Brokaw: u r confusing me
McCain: Death with Honor!!!!!!!!!
Question: would you respect Pakistani borders or would you be Nixon in Cambodia?
Obama: Bush coddled and appeased the dictators in Pakistan like the big white flag waving surrender Grampy is
McCain: i was talking to Teddy Roosevelt and Obama actually said he would attack Pakistan - I can't believe he would be honest - look i'm all about diplomacy which means i would also attack them of course but i won't say so
Audience: but you just said you would attack now
McCain: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
McCain: Talk softly!!
Obama: they will either be unable to get Osama in which case they will welcome our involvement or they won't do - in which case fuck 'em
Audience: yay
Obama: he says I'm green behind the ears
McCain: yeah!
Obama: he's the idiot who sang bomb bomb bomb Iran and wants to invade North Korea!
McCain: oh i was just joking look of course - i will attack Pakistan i just won't say it out loud!!
Obama: dude you just did
Brokaw: Afghanistan?
Obama: we should do what i said for the last 5 years
McCain: of course Obama is right but he won't admit that Gen Petraeus is a hero
Brokaw: another Cold War?
McCain: Russia is outside the norms of a rich nation and he is another K and a G and B
[ Todd Palin, at home ] dood what the fuck does that spell?
McCain: hopefully with our allies we will face down Russian
Obama: hey what about estonia which needs to rebuild it's economy
Audience: what about flint Michigan??
Obama: my kung fu is so mighty i will keep you safe by seeing problems 5 years ahead of time
Audience: were you bitten by a radioactive charismatic spider
Obama: yes
Brokaw: Let me quote from Regan one more time
Obama: he was possesed by the devil
Brokaw: no regan was the girl in the Exorcist
Obama: in know who you meant
Question: what if Iran attacks Israel???
McCain: Russian and China will attack us too
American People: OMG!!!!!!
McCain: Bush has allowed the middle east to got to war and Obama is an appeaser whereas i can get the Iranians to give up a nuclear program in exchange for the privilege of meeting with me
Obama: hoo boy you want THIS lunatic to have access to the button???
Obama: did you know Iran importants oil??
Question: i know a good song about iran based on a beach boys song
Obama: ah the sophisticated American mind at work
McCain: elitist
Obama: goddam right I am
Brokaw: what don't you know and how will you learn it?
Obama: ask my wife
McCain: ha ha ha
Obama: I'm not kidding
McCain: i ask my wife for money
Obama: my mom was on food stamps but i was able to succeed and why - because America is the greatest country in the world - but we need to keep that promise for the next generation and that dream is in danger and i hope all of you have the courage to pursue the dream called America
America: [ swoons ]
McCain: my friends what I don't know is where the danger lies but there is danger is everywhere - i will bring you dark times, dreary times, tough times, sad times, difficult times, times where you will die - and that is what America is all about -- and I am asking people to reward me for a being a POW and understand in these risky times we cannot afford a skinny black muslim with a funny name thank you
Brokaw: my sentiments exactly good night
Presidential Debate
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Belmont University
Nashville, Tennessee
Candidates:
Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Tom Brokaw
**********************************************
Brokaw: welcome the Black Guy and the Old Guy
Audience: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap
Brokaw: I understand McCain is still napping so Obama will go first
Audience Question: when do i get my damm bailout???
Obama: thanks to George Bush we are in teh worst financial crisis since the Great Depression
Audience: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Obama: John McCain and George Bush thought deregulation would rain prosperity on all us - well it's raining on our haids but it's not water
Audience: oooooooh
McCain: Senator Obama thanks for finally showing up to one of my town hall debates - you little snot
Obama: uh huh
McCain: my answer to the question is energy independence, peace in the world, cutting taxes, and raising home values
Question: how do w do that?
McCain: the federal government is too big -- so the federal government should buy every American a free house
Audience: yaaaay
McCain: that little snot didn't think of this -- i thought of it all by myself
Brokaw: who would you hire as Sec. of the Treasury?
McCain: not you Tom - you fuckin’ bastard
Brokaw: testy fucker aren't you?
McCain: i would hire Obama's buddy Warren Buffet or Meg Whitman - maybe we can all get jobs on eBay - only by raising the vaues of benie babies will the US economy get back on track
Brokaw: oh ok
McCain: this whole housing crisis is the fault of Obama and his cronies in Washington DC -- ooh it makes me so mad when I think of those politicians in Washington DC
Obama: Uh in March John McCain bragged that he was big deregulator and 2 years ago I was warning that this was a problem while he was begging money from Fannie Mae
Brokaw: are we fucked??
Obama: no - but we must get people in their homes and have energy and change Washington
McCain: the economy will only get better if you elect an outsider to Washington like me - why Obama doesn't even sign my letters to NBC demanding they bring back Matlock!!
Audience: star trek! firefly!
Question: i hate both you fuckers
Obama: gee nice to talk to you too lady
Question: i don't trust politicians
Obama: and you know why - because the conservative movement wants you to hate government and mistrust politicians so they can destroy it
Audience: it's working
McCain: sure you're cynical - but you have never been exposed to my high bipartisan glow
Audience: ooh
McCain: he's never taken on his own party on anything!!
Obama: why the fuck should I??
McCain: he's a big spending liberal not endorsed by the national taxpayers union or the white people's party
Obama: asshole
McCain: this little shit voted for a billion dollars in earmarks - god it makes me sick
Brokaw: which Republican policy would support the most, entitlement reform or medicare reform or putting Reagan on Mount Rushmore?
Obama: do i get to talk?
Brokaw: fuck off darkie
McCain: my friends some of the $700 billion will end up in the hands of terrorists like al qaeda or PBS
Obama: Russian and Venezuala and Iran win everytime you take a joyride down the highway
Audience: but the wind goes through my hair when the top is down!
Ahmedinejad: my plan it is working
Obama: yeah I'm against waste - big fucking deal
Question: How about sacrifice? What would you cut like a good republican?
McCain: Everything -- all of it - freeze spending on every single thing
Brokaw: that's ridiculous
McCain: look we're not rifle shots here we're Americans
Obama: sacrifice isn't just about Republican policies - although they do seem to go hand in hand - Bush told us to go out and shop after 9/11 but i will challenge all Americans to inflate their tires and install low flush toilets
Audience: oh no!!
Brokaw: George Bush is drunk but I say the American people got drunk on emergency health care and homes for black people!
Obama: thanks again for the Republican talking points Tom
Tom: I'm not even aware I'm doing it
Obama: earmarks terrific - dammit Tom you're berating poor people while rich people have gold plated shower cutains and schoolteachers live on mac and cheese
McCain: Barack Obama is just like Herbert Hoover - why if we elect Obama we could enter a recession
Obama: oh really??
McCain: poor widdle small businesses will die because of the black man
McCain: we are in very tough economic times so I will shower the American people with money - money for children money for health care
[ throws money in the air dances around giddily ]
Brokaw: speaking of the Republican agenda - everyone agrees that we have to reform entitlements and social security
Obama: if Rush Limbaugh speaking directly into your earpiece?
Brokaw: [whispers]
no rush I don't have any oxy or tickets to borneo
Obama: John McCain is big liar
McCain: [ demented cackle ]
my friends the answer is simple our wonderful ronald Reagan… obama have never taken on… i'm not popular… my friends… medicare… we need a base closing commission and rhetoric and …records and 94 times to increase taxes or not to cut taxes look at our records.. my friends
Obama: what the fuck did that old dude just say
Question: environmental issues?!?
McCain: as you know i'm a hero and i bucked my party supporting the environment - did Obama oppose his party by voting to despoil the environment? Noooo
Obama: what the fuck
McCain: hybirds and hydrogen and battery powered flying cars and we can have SUV's running on nuclear fuel my friends
Obama: or we could act like non-crazy people and invest like when the Pentagon invented the computer
McCain: damm keyboards!
Brokaw: gentlemen obey my rules!
McCain: i'm going to bring up the 2005 energy bill and you know how voted for it - that ONE
[ points demonically ]
my friends i oppose all spending and waste and we have to drill now and look at the record Obama has approved storing nuclear fuel
Question: Senator would you like a nap?
Question: health care?!
Obama: ok you can keep you're health care and we will lower costs and then we will let anyone buy into the Congressional plan -- what McCain is not about to tell you is that he won't exclude preexisting conditions or that he will destroy employer based health care
McCain: yurp
Brokaw: your answer?
McCain: we need to do things like put health care records on eBay and have walk in clinics - what a big government bastard Obama is
McCain: why can't you go across state lines to buy health inusurance - look if we tax it 95% will have no choice but to shop around for cool cheap hyundai health care plans and that will prove us right
Obama: that's so fucking punitive
McCain: no no no no one will go without health care because parents will always give health care to their children even if they have to marry a beer heiress to do it
Brokaw: what are you promising?
McCain: look obviously employers will give their employees health care duh
Obama: my mother died fighting insurers you dick - look sure parents should get insurance but now i think we all he Gramps the marketplace will take care of everything well we all will have to get Arizona health care and before you know we will all be suffering under Joe Biden's home state's rules
McCain: i was watching ‘Wheel of Fortune’ what did he say?
Question: world peace?
McCain: I am so sick of Obama bashing america tonight when we have shed so much blood - look sure america sucks but we are still a good nation but we know Obama was wrong to oppose invading Iraq
Brokaw Sen-
McCain: my friends-
Obama: yeah I don't understand. I don't understand why the fuck we let Osama bin Laden go while we invaded the wrong country why the maniacal cheerleader over there said we'd be greeted as liberators
McCain: yaaaaaaaaay
Obama: a trillion dollars we spent while Iraq has a surplus - people we are a laughing stock and a declining empire
Brokaw: will you promise not to help poor brown people
Obama: no i will not - of course we should act if we can - if we could have stopped the Holocaust who among us would not?
McCain: my friends he's a surrender monkey
McCain: there we no weapons of mass desturction and saddam was defeated and Obama would have brought us home in defeat
Brokaw: oh noe
McCain: i told ronald reagan 300 dead marines is unacceptable but i told Bush 4,000 soldiers dead is just dandy
Brokaw: u r confusing me
McCain: Death with Honor!!!!!!!!!
Question: would you respect Pakistani borders or would you be Nixon in Cambodia?
Obama: Bush coddled and appeased the dictators in Pakistan like the big white flag waving surrender Grampy is
McCain: i was talking to Teddy Roosevelt and Obama actually said he would attack Pakistan - I can't believe he would be honest - look i'm all about diplomacy which means i would also attack them of course but i won't say so
Audience: but you just said you would attack now
McCain: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
McCain: Talk softly!!
Obama: they will either be unable to get Osama in which case they will welcome our involvement or they won't do - in which case fuck 'em
Audience: yay
Obama: he says I'm green behind the ears
McCain: yeah!
Obama: he's the idiot who sang bomb bomb bomb Iran and wants to invade North Korea!
McCain: oh i was just joking look of course - i will attack Pakistan i just won't say it out loud!!
Obama: dude you just did
Brokaw: Afghanistan?
Obama: we should do what i said for the last 5 years
McCain: of course Obama is right but he won't admit that Gen Petraeus is a hero
Brokaw: another Cold War?
McCain: Russia is outside the norms of a rich nation and he is another K and a G and B
[ Todd Palin, at home ] dood what the fuck does that spell?
McCain: hopefully with our allies we will face down Russian
Obama: hey what about estonia which needs to rebuild it's economy
Audience: what about flint Michigan??
Obama: my kung fu is so mighty i will keep you safe by seeing problems 5 years ahead of time
Audience: were you bitten by a radioactive charismatic spider
Obama: yes
Brokaw: Let me quote from Regan one more time
Obama: he was possesed by the devil
Brokaw: no regan was the girl in the Exorcist
Obama: in know who you meant
Question: what if Iran attacks Israel???
McCain: Russian and China will attack us too
American People: OMG!!!!!!
McCain: Bush has allowed the middle east to got to war and Obama is an appeaser whereas i can get the Iranians to give up a nuclear program in exchange for the privilege of meeting with me
Obama: hoo boy you want THIS lunatic to have access to the button???
Obama: did you know Iran importants oil??
Question: i know a good song about iran based on a beach boys song
Obama: ah the sophisticated American mind at work
McCain: elitist
Obama: goddam right I am
Brokaw: what don't you know and how will you learn it?
Obama: ask my wife
McCain: ha ha ha
Obama: I'm not kidding
McCain: i ask my wife for money
Obama: my mom was on food stamps but i was able to succeed and why - because America is the greatest country in the world - but we need to keep that promise for the next generation and that dream is in danger and i hope all of you have the courage to pursue the dream called America
America: [ swoons ]
McCain: my friends what I don't know is where the danger lies but there is danger is everywhere - i will bring you dark times, dreary times, tough times, sad times, difficult times, times where you will die - and that is what America is all about -- and I am asking people to reward me for a being a POW and understand in these risky times we cannot afford a skinny black muslim with a funny name thank you
Brokaw: my sentiments exactly good night
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