Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Meet The Press – February 7 , 2016

Hillary Clinton
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
Donald Trump
Chris Matthews
Andrea Mitchell
Hallie Jackson
Hugh Hewitt

Todd: omg it's the most
important day in politics!

Todd: Rubio repeated himself and
Chris Christie crushed him like a
Saint Bernard with a squeaky chew toy

Todd: Trump is way ahead of everyone else!

Todd: Sanders is up big!

Todd: New Hampshire is the 
graveyard of pollsters

Clinton: ewww

Todd: you like that image?

Clinton: I'm picturing walking
undead pollsters

Todd: welcome Secretary Clinton

Clinton: great to be here Charles

Todd: you're behind in New Hampshire

Clinton: I know I'm behind but
I'm going to keep fighting

Todd: why are so far behind?

Clinton: who the hell knows?

Todd: I dunno

Clinton: Bernie is from Vermont

Todd: true

Clinton: I love this! I'm having a great time!

Todd: back in 2008 you said Barack
Obama wasn't experienced and you're
saying that about Bernie Sanders now

Clinton: that's different because
Obama was brilliant and did his work

Todd: got it

Clinton: Bernie has no foreign policy network

Todd: oh no

Clinton: you need to be ready on the first day!

Todd: or sooner

Clinton: maybe when we were at
peace you keep learn on the job
but not now – there's chaos everywhere!

Todd: because of the Iraq war
which you supported

Clinton: I got bin laden and 
brought Iran to the table

Todd: but the Iraq war led
to the creation of ISIS

Clinton: yes but al Qaeda 
existed before the war

Todd: but our good friend Saddam
Hussein had firm control of Iraq

Clinton: maybe but those jihadists
are everywhere now

Todd: right

Clinton: it's all-out war for
the meaning of Islam!

Todd: Bernie Sanders says the
business model of Wall Street is fraud

Clinton: that's crazy talk

Todd: I see

Clinton: what does the heck
does that even mean

Todd: I dunno

Clinton: theres good and bad in everyone

Todd: ebony and ivory

Clinton: this is a complex economy
banks do good things too!

Todd: some even have dog 
biscuits and lollipops

Clinton: I love the little banks

Todd: I have a piggy bank that
looks like Tim Russert's head

Clinton: why won't Sanders go
after the shadow banks?

Todd: the Secretary of Treasury always
comes from Wall Street or goes to
Wall Street or both

Clinton: very often that's true

Todd: can you hire a Treasury
Secretary without a Wall Street background?

Clinton: I want to rise all incomes

Todd: sounds good

Clinton: China is imploding!

Todd: I heard they were beating us

Clinton: we need smart and
knowledgeable people in government

Todd: Madeline Albright said
women must help other women

Clinton: she believes that

Todd: should we be offended

Clinton: good grief don't be so touchy

Todd: I'll try

Clinton: Maddy has struggled for
decades and the fight isn't over

Todd: what about the Super Bowl

Clinton: I'm more worried about
the children of Flint

Todd: I've heard something about that

Clinton: I'm going to do everything
I can to help the people there

Todd: well thanks for coming

Clinton: you too Todd

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Senator Sanders

Sanders: hiya Chet

Todd: you flubbed foreign policy

Sanders: I won that debate!

Todd: ok

Sanders: Clinton is experienced in
foreign policy but she has bad judgment

Todd: right

Sanders: she supported the Iraq war

Todd: so I've heard

Sanders: we can't keep fighting
wars in the Middle East!

Todd: Albright says you don't
go to foreign policy briefings

Sanders: Chuck that is so ridiculous

Todd: it is

Sanders: I go to foreign policy
briefings all the damn time!

Todd: if you say so

Sanders: Clinton supported the war in Iraq!

Todd: yes I know

Sanders: I also opposed the war in Kuwait!

Todd: all right

Sanders: and I opposed the Iraq war!

Todd: so you've said

Sanders: and so did Obama!

Todd: who will you name
as Secretary of Defense?

Sanders: Larry Korb or maybe Zogby

Todd: interesting

Sanders: look I know what I'm doing

Todd: you say all of Wall Street
is based on committing fraud

Sanders: well it's true

Todd: it is?

Sanders: Goldman Sachs just
paid a settlement of $5 billion

Todd: true

Sanders: they all pay huge
settlement fines all the time!

Todd: right

Sanders: and no one ever goes to jail!

Todd: well no

Sanders: but if you get caught
with a little pot you do go to jail!

Todd: not if your dad works on Wall Street

Sanders: of course they all commit fraud!

Todd: who's going to win the Superb Owl?

Sanders: the Patriots!

Todd: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Todd: Rubio got a wedgie in
the middle of the debate!

Hewitt: Kasich is so winsome

Todd: he's adorkable

Hewitt: Rubio didn't do that badly

Matthews: he sounded like
a replicant from Blade Runner

Todd: he's more of an android

Jackson: He's a robot!

Mitchell: or a wind-up toy

Hewitt: oh c'mon guys

Jackson: but will anyone care about
Rubio's fail with the Super Bowl today?

Mitchell: this is the Super Bowl of politics!

Jackson: good point

Mitchell: he's the boy in the bubble

Todd: Christie told us this
was coming three days ago!

Hewitt: messing up the debate was
good for Rubio because it shows
Democrats fear him

Matthews: why repeat it four times in a row?

Hewitt: because his staff trained him well

Mitchell: well that's the problem

Todd: Jeb Bush owned Trump
on stealing from an elderly woman

Mitchell: Trump shushed him
which was very effective

Jackson: his mommy told
him to stand up for himself

Hewitt: Republicans hate eminent domain!

Matthews: Trump kicked the
school wimp when he was down

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Donald Trump

Trump: nice to be here Ted

Trump: do you need to win in New Hampshire?

Trump:no I don't

Todd: sure you do

Trump: New Hampshire is beautiful

Todd: you will turn on them if you lose

Trump: I really won Iowa!

Todd: you did?

Trump: yes because Ted Cruz cheated

Todd: were you humbled by Iowa?

Trump: what the hell is a caucus anyway?

Todd: It's like a big thing
where people do stuff

Trump: I never knew you need a ground game

Todd: you were late to
understand basic campaigning

Trump: that is true

Todd: your staff says you
screwed up in Iowa

Trump: I gave them unlimited cash!

Todd: all right

Trump: I've spent no money because
people like you give me free tv

Todd: you want bring back a hell
of a lot worse than waterboarding

Trump: this is like Medieval Times

Todd: I like that restaurant

Trump: there has never
been anything like this!

Todd: what will you do?

Trump: a form of torture much
worse than waterboarding!

Todd: like what

Trump: something really horrible and gruesome

Todd: that's disturbing

Trump: torture works!

Todd: so you want to be barbaric?

Trump: yes we must be evil!

Todd: what the hell is your health care plan?

Trump: I own a big company

Todd: okay

Trump: all we have to do is let
people buy insurance in other states

Todd: so take away state's rights

Trump: also health savings
accounts would solve the problem

Todd: got it

Trump: but we can't let
people die in the streets

Todd: so you favor government health care

Trump: no it's having called a heart

Todd: so how will it work?

Trump: we'll work out a deal with hospitals

Todd: you're a famous misogynist

Trump: I've been tougher
on you than anyone else

Todd: my wife thinks so too

Trump: I hit Megan Kelly hard!

Todd: so well phrased

Trump: I would hit you too
and you are far from a woman

Todd: a woman would never
have this thing on her chin

Trump: I've never heard
these rumors of my sexism

Todd: well I assure they're out there

Trump: look at the hot chick in the red dress

Todd: that's Andrea Mitchell

Trump: I'd hit that

Todd: will you pledge to only serve one term?

Trump: look I'm going to need time 
to build a wall and kick all the Irish out

Todd: so no pledge

Trump: I may serve three terms!

Todd: in 2004 Kerry was behind in the polls
but won in Iowa and New Hampshire 
– just like Ted Cruz in 2016?

Todd: but in 1984 Gary Hart lost in 
Iowa and won New Hampshire 
like Rubio hopes to now

Todd: in 1988 Bush lost in Iowa but
won in New Hampshire and became
President – like Trump hopes to

Todd: so what scenario will 
play out on Tuesday – who knows??

[ break ]

Sanders: Clinton is captive of Wall Street!

Clinton: it's a smear!

Sanders: it's all corrupt

Clinton: he thinks everybody
but him is bought and paid for!

Todd: it's a race to the left!

Matthews: Teddy Roosevelt was a progressive!

Todd: true

Matthews: Sanders captured
the left wing of the party

Matthews: she should move to the center!

Mitchell: she's lost the base and the women

Mitchell: and young people!

Mitchell: she's part of the establishment!

Mitchell: she dragged out Madeline
Albright to lecture young women

Jackson: I spoke to a Republican
working for Jeb and also Bernie Sanders

Todd: both parties are racing to the bases!

Hewitt: Sanders is Swedish
and Clinton is a criminal

Mitchell: I speak to women who love
Clinton but are worried about Benghazi

Todd: what about Rubio?

Bush: he's scripted and
ergo not a leader

Bush: he will be a terrible
President just like my brother

Hewitt: there will definitely
be an open convention!

Matthews: Kasich is going to win 
because it is the voters' civic duty 
to vote the Beltway's pundits'
dream candidate – a liberal Republican

Jackson: Kasich may do well in
coastal South Carolina

Mitchell: Bernie is getting
some black friends!

Todd: the GOP ran two
Hispanics and a black guy

Matthews: it was a great debate!

Todd: Sanders was on Saturday Night Live!

Mitchell: Sanders would be
the first Jewish President!

Todd: since Abraham Lincoln

Mitchell: right

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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