Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Meet The Press – November 8, 2015

Reporters: Chris Jansing
Donald Trump
Ben Carson
Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA)
Carly Fiorina
Gwen Ifill
Hugh Hewitt
Rachel Maddow
Mark Caputo

Todd: whew! Good morning!

Todd: omg the election is
exactly one year away!

Todd: the American people
hate their elected officials!

Todd: the voters love outsiders
like Ben Carson

Todd: But he may not have actually
stabbed a guy which is very disturbing

Jansing: hello Doctor Carson

Carson: lovely to see you Christine

Jansing: no one remembers you
saving white kids during the Martin
Luther King assassination riots

Carson: well it was a long time ago

Jansing: you said met General Westmoreland
when he was 1,000 miles away

Carson: well who knows where he was

Jansing: your brother could confirm
you once were crazy and violent 
but he won't which is sad

Carson: don't trust him – he only
says nice things about me

Jansing: didn't you expect to be vetted?

Carson: no one in history has ever
been asked questions like this

Jansing: they demanded Obama's 
birth certificate

Carson: no way not even close

Jansing: so why is everyone picking on you?

Carson: I'm a threat to the secular atheists

Jansing: is this fun for you?

Carson: no it's awful

Jansing: you don't want to be President?

Carson: no way – I'd rather play 
with my model trains

Jasing: nice talking to you

Carson: woo-hoo!

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Donald Trump

Trump: nice to be here Ted

Todd: what do you think
about Ben Carson?

Trump: I like Ben but he hit his mother
on the head with a hammer and hit
his friend on the head with a padlock
which shows an inability to choose

Todd: good point

Trump: a belt buckle cannot stop
a knife and believe me I know

Todd: I do believe you sir

Trump: Ben Carson has a pathology

Todd: you're not a doctor
so how would you know

Trump: pyramids are solid – they're
not hollow so you can't put grain in them

Todd: that checks out

Trump: I know because I put in a bid to
convert those old ruins into lovely hotels

Todd: good idea

Todd: you played a trick on me by citing
a lot of bad stuff about Ben Carson

Todd: no one else can make
America great again but me

Todd: no doubt

Trump: I'm number one!

Todd: go you

Trump: I'm in the pole position!

Todd: you say you can't put out
positions because that would weaken
your negotiating position but how can
people decide who to vote for you?

Trump: I like veterans!

Todd: how do you make
Mexico pay for the wall?

Trump: it will be a magnificent wall

Todd: how do you pay for it?

Trump: it will be very
easy – really really easy

Todd: and tariffs will pay for it?

Trump: no the Mexicans will
pay for the wall – I guarantee it

Todd: did you call Lee Atwater and
say 'I want to be Vice President'

Trump: Lee came to me and said 'you
would be a great Vice President' but
I was busy building my empire

Todd: doesn't hosting SNL
prove you're not serious

Trump: Hillary Clinton was on too but
I'm better than her because I hosted

Todd: you should you have taken
the protesters more seriously

Trump: oh screw those people

Todd: Larry David mocked the protests

Trump: I loved it!

Todd: they think you're a racist

Trump: we had a great time and
I'm doing great with the Hispanics
and we're going to win with the Hispanics

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Bernie Sanders

Sanders: nice to be here Chet

Todd: is it fair to point out Ben
Carson's biography is fiction?

Sanders: no it isn't

Todd: why not?

Sanders: because we have
massive income inequality

Todd: I see

Sanders: Doc Carson wants
to give tax cuts to the rich!

Todd: frankly I like that idea

Sanders: people are turned off politics
because the media are stupid and frivolous

Todd: I really can't argue
with you on that one

Sanders: the media wants me
to viciously attack Hillary Clinton

Todd: but lately you've been
critiquing Clinton – are you a hypocrite?

Sanders: I disagree with her on the issues
- that's what elections are for!

Todd: I suppose

Sanders: for example I want
to break up the banks

Todd: what's wrong with evolving on issues?

Sanders: nothing but I made
the right call on the Iraq war
when it mattered

Todd: big whoop

Sanders: also on trade and Keystone
and DOMA and drugs

Todd: okay okay

Sanders: who showed leadership
when it wasn't popular?

Todd: who put the ram in the

Sanders: that's a trick question Chad!

Todd: thanks for coming Ben

[ break ]

Todd: wow what a week and what a year!

Todd: welcome panelists!

Todd: will attacking the media 
work for Ben Carson?

Hewitt: Hillary Clinton is a criminal!

Maddow: Carson lied about West Point

Hewitt: I have no doubt someone
told Carson he could get into West Point

Maddow: but he did not get
an offer and he said he did

Hewitt: but he probably was
told he could get admitted

Maddow: he never applied and 
therefore was not offered a full
scholarship to West Point

Todd: he's running on biography!

Ifill: he's even lying about being 
called out on his lies

Todd: hey at least he's consistent

Ifill: they called Bill Clinton a murderer
and asked for Obama's birth certificate

Hewitt: Hillary Clinton has gotten
a free pass from the media!

Ifill: oh lord

Todd: what's the deal with Rubio?

Caputo: Team Rubio set Donald Trump
up by leaking bad stories about himself

Todd: ha ha I love it

Caputo: they let the hype build
and watched the story die!

Todd: fantastic!

[ break ]

Todd: oh boy that Russian plane 
may have been brought down by a bomb

Todd: was it a bomb?

Feinstein: yes because duh

Todd: so no doubts?

Feinstein: they're still working on it
but come on – we all know what happened

Todd: so that's scary

Feinstein: I'm delighted the
FBI is going to look into it

Todd: well that's something

Feinstein: we need to share
more information with Russia

Todd: you worry we're
not doing that?

Feinstein: I hope we are

Todd: do you believe it a bomb?

Feinstein: of course I do

Todd: what does this mean?

Feinstein: it means Russia is
now on our side against ISIL!

Todd: is this bombing
a wake up call to Putin?

Feinstein: a wake up call to us!

Todd: wake up everyone!

Feinstein: we need an all-out war with ISIS!

Todd: hell yeah

Feinstein: this is a world-wide problem!

Todd: It seems like it

Feinstein: it's time to panic!

Todd: this is very terrifying!

Todd: they're infiltrating baggage
handlers which is inconceivable!

Feinstein: we need to be on
our guard at every moment!

Todd: you think Obama isn't war-like enough

Feinstein: damn right!

Todd: I see

Feinstein: we need to use large
numbers of us troops to go after ISIS

Todd: the President doesn't want to do that

Feinstein: bombing is great
but it's no going to cut it Todd

Todd: perhaps not

Feinstein: we need to go to war!

Todd: wow I hope they listen to your advice

Feinstein: me too Ted

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Carly

Fiorina: hi Chad

Todd: you have no policy plans on your website

Fiorina: politicians do that all the time

Todd: they do it for a reason

Fiorina: anyone can write a plan

Todd: so do it then

Fiorina: we need a tax code three pages long

Todd: can we see it in writing?

Fiorina: words on paper are useless things

Todd: so you don't have a tax plan

Fiorina: I've given you a plan – lower taxes!

Todd: okay thanks then

[ break ]

Todd: it's been 100 years since a two-term
President lost so many House seats

Todd: plus under Obama's the Democratic
party has lost 900 state legislative seats!

Todd: it's the worst track record
since that loser Eisenhower!

Todd: panel why are Democrats
losing all across America?

Maddow: the GOP invests in state-level
races and Democrats don't which is dumb

Caputo: the Obama political machine 
can only win with Obama

Todd: Obama is toxic!

Caputo: and in Florida no one likes Obama

Todd: the Democrats may not 
recover for 40 years!

Hewitt: all Democrats are terrible people

Todd: here are some clips of the 
Democratic forum!

Clinton: I will go to war if have to!

Sanders: I'm principled!

O'Malley: I love immigrants!

Ifill: Rachel you did a great job

Maddow: thank you

Ifill: one-on-one interviews can 
be very revealing

Todd: it's unbelievable how 
confident Clinton is

Maddow: she needs to run out the clock
but that's how you get into trouble

Caputo: Ben Carson said he didn't really
want to be President which is weird

Hewitt: you have show energy and
want to run and be President

Ifill: they're all using this tv show to raise money

Todd: why won't Fiorina put out 
some plans on paper?

Hewitt: Rubio did it!

Todd: I know!

Maddow: we could always print
out copies of her interviews

Todd: George H.W. Bush attacked
Rumsfeld and Cheney for tricking his
son into starting a war for no reason

Caputo: Dick Cheney is back baby!

Todd: what is the Bush family legacy?

Hewitt: George Bush kept us safe!

Ifill: I would love to be at the
Bush family thanksgiving table

Maddow: I can't believe we're even
considering giving this dangerous lunatic
family the White House again

Caputo: I guarantee George P Bush
will run for President

Todd: omg maybe Barbara Bush
was right – we've really had too many Bushes

Hewitt: we don't do dynasties well here
ever since the Adams family

Maddow: but at least Quincy's
loser brother didn't run

Caputo: this Bush Thanksgiving is
going to be most awkward ever

Todd: George H.W. Bush didn't
get out until May of 1980

Caputo: don't forget early voting!

Todd: omg this 'Prostitutes over Patriots' 
tv ad is fucking vicious

Caputo: ain't no politics like Louisiana politics

Maddow: technicallly Vitter
chose Prostitutes after Patriots

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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