Sunday, April 21, 2013

Meet The Press – April 21, 2013

Gov. Deval Patrick (D-MA)
Pete Williams
Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Richard Durbin (D-IL)
Mike Chertoff
Mike Leiter
Doris Kearns Goodwin
Jeff Goldberg
Tom Brokaw

Gregory: congratulations Governor

Patrick: I accept your congrats on behalf
of our excellent meticulous law enforcement officers

Gregory: has the threat passed?

Patrick: we think so but we are
looking at all possible leads

Gregory: did the younger suspect
try to commit suicide?

Patrick: I don't know David

Gregory: can he talk?

Patrick: well when he can we
will talk to him Fluffy

Gregory: he was on the FBI's radar

Patrick: it was the older brother actually

Gregory: whatever

Patrick: look we need to be careful
and methodical and not rush into anything

Gregory: screw that – say something
provocative about Dzokhar

Patrick: he was acting like a regular
student even after the bombing
which is odd to say the least

Gregory: is there a video showing
them planting the bomb?

Patrick: yes and they did not even react
when the first bomb went off which is pretty chilling

Gregory: should the Constitution apply
to him or should we repeal the Constitution
and call him an enemy combatant?

Patrick: Um... let's keep the Constitution

Gregory: if you say so

Patrick: we had seamless cooperation
with local and federal law enforcement

Gregory: how has American completely
changed because of this?

Patrick: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but America will never be the same!

Patrick: we need civic celebrations as people

Gregory: but I'm scared

Patrick: it's very affirming that people
came together instead of turning on each
and creating a police state like you want to do

Gregory: go away Deval
[ break ]

Gregory: scare me Pete!

Williams: what was Tameralane doing in Russia?
Who did he meet with? Where did he learn
how to build these pressure cooker bombs?

Gregory: Dzokhar was a star student and
Tamerlan was good boxer with a wife 
and child on the other hand he posted 
some scary YouTube videos so he should 
probably have been arrested

Rogers: Russia called us and told us
he was a radical – the FBI asked Russia
for more help and they refused

Gregory: those fiendish Russians

Rogers: then he comes back from Russia
and he's a radical mosque-going wackjob

Gregory: his uncle says when Tameralan
came back from Russia he was a radical nut
with all kinds of insane interests like
extreme religion and the Kardshians

Leiter: this happens all the time –
like that guy who got an MBA and committed
insider trading and that other guy with an
MBA who tried to bomb Times Square

Chertoff: Obama dropped the ball!

Leiter: there are lots of radicals – 
they're not all terrorists
some have shows on Fox News

Gregory: did the FBI miss something here?

Rogers: I doubt it – what are they supposed to do?
arrest the guy for sounding crazy –
they'd have to arrest half of Congress

Gregory: unfortunately Dzokhar is an American
should his Constitutional rights be revoked?

Williams: no that's against the law Fluffy

Gregory: that is so sad

Williams: Lindsay Graham wants him
treated as enemy combatant

Gregory: excellent!

Williams: that won't happen

Gregory: Roger you're a Republican -
should Dzokhar be treated as a citizen which
he is or should we suspend all his rights?

Rogers: no he's an American citizen Fluffy!

Gregory: dammit

Rogers: but Mirandizing is a horrible
idea and in any case we don't need
a confession we need to know if
there are bombs hidden somewhere

Gregory: did this incident with a
teenager change America forever?

Chertoff: maybe

Gregory: look at all these failed 
terror attempts on America – 
but finally the face of terror has changed 
and we can have the police state news 
anchors have always dreamed of

Chertoff: cripes calm down Fluffy!

Gregory: I can't! I need news!

Chertoff: get a goddamn grip on yourself –
this doesn't change anything!

Gregory: we have fallen into
complacency haven't we?

Durbin: not at all

Gregory: I'm going to cry and hold my
breath until one of you agree America has changed

Durbin: oh do shut up Fluffy

Gregory: the FBI missed
something didn't they?

Durbin: I doubt it – and don't forget
we live in a free and open society Fluffy

Gregory: I hear you saying we need
strengthened law enforcement

Durbin: sweet jesus you're a moron

Gregory: what new laws do we need?

Gregory: immigration reform would
make us safer

Gregory: Chuck Grassley says Boston
means we should not let immigrants be legal

Durbin: that's stupid

Gregory: should we call Dzokhar an
enemey combatant and revoke the Constitution?

Durbin: no and Liz Cheney is a
paranoid un-american idiot

[ break ]

Gregory: hi panelists – what a week!

Goodwin: we love Patriot's day –
history and baseball and the marathon -
but then everyone came together

Gregory: awesome but I'm still scared

Goodwin: we belong to our families
and our hometowns

Gregory: forget the strength –
hasn't this changed America forever?

Brokaw: Islamic rage is more dangerous than ever!

Gregory: finally someone agrees with me!

Brokaw: on the other hand there
is no privacy left in America

Gregory: Tom is right about Islamic
rage and how America has changed forever

Goldberg: we live in the Era of
the Suspicious Package

Gregory: thank you!

Goldberg: on the other hand we 
should not overreact

Noonan: I was in New York City and there
men in camouflage and police dogs

Audience: so like every other day

Noonan: cell phone cameras! community! drink!

Gregory: we will never ever feel safe again!

Goodwin: holy fucking shit will you
calm the fuck down Fluffy

Gregory: I can't – I'm terrified

Goodwin: people came together
and they're not afraid

Noonan: radiological... dirty bomb
do you know what I mean?

Gregory: Tom give her a refill

Goldberg: instead of being terrified
David - what about being defiant!

Goodwin: like the Londoner were during Blitz

Noonan: Blitz! Who's with me?!

Brokaw: why do young men feel so
alienated from our Sunday talk shows?

Noonan: good question tommy

Brokaw: young people don't like
being bombed by drones from above

Goldberg: all young men are alienated –
but the Internet provides an outlet for that rage

Brokaw: true - ever seen the YouTube 
comments section?

Goldberg: the solution for angry
young men must come from Islam

Gregory: Washington must step up!
We must track homegrown terror!
We must revoke the Constitution!

Brokaw: don't forget to blame violent video games

Gregory: good point Tom

Brokaw: we are the most advanced country
in the history and yet our movie theatres
can still get shot up like in more primitive countries

Gregory: and yet the Senate filibustered gun control

Noonan: yes but what if Obama turned
out to be Hitler – then gun control
would be a bad idea

Goodwin: or maybe we shouldn't let
a tiny minority of people control the U.S. Senate

Brokaw: background checks are not popular

Gregory: or maybe we just can't 
prevent some attacks

Goldberg: terrorism is not that great
a threat – don't get me started on
backyard swimming pools

Gregory: are we moving toward a
culture of people cowering in their homes?

Goodwin: not in Boston – people were
out there even when the bullets were flying

Noonan: 24 hour television encourages
mass hysteria and then has panels about mass hysteria

Gregory: and that's another episode
of Meet The Press


1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Patrick: Um... let's keep the Constitution

Cool beans, Deval. Please pass the word to President Drone Strike.