Sunday, December 30, 2012

Meet The Press – December 30, 2012

President Barack Obama
Doris Goodwin
Tom Brokaw
Jon Meachem
David Brooks
Gregory: Welcome Mr. President

Obama: thanks David

Gregory: Bam what if we go over the fiscal cliff?

Obama: it could ruin this amazing
wonderful economic recovery

Gregory: oh noe

Obama: Congress needs to address the
deficit by keeeping tax cuts for 98%
of people and raise them for the other 2%

Gregory: I don't like the sound of that

Obama: well then you're in luck because
Republicans refuse to raise taxes on billionaires

Gregory: sweet – what happens now

Obama: if Congress can't reach an
agreement then they should just
vote for keeping the middle class tax cuts

Gregory: but what about my stock protfolio?!?!

Obama: it's not my fault you bought
Facebook at $35 Fluffy

Gregory: but Mark Zuckerberg poked me

Obama: If the GOP doesn't take
my deal they will have to explain to
the American people that they wrecked
the market, ruined the economy, raised
unemployment, slashed spending and 
raised their taxes

Gregory: what about the automatic
spending cuts?

Obama: we can avoid them by
raising taxes on rich people

Gregory: oh dear

Obama: but Republicans love rich
people so it may not happen

Gregory: but isn't this all your fault?

Obama: hey Fluffy I cut spending a
trillion dollars – that's more than
Reagan or Bush or bush ever did

Gregory: yeah but by then the
debt was really high

Obama: then I offered another 
trillion in spending cuts!

Gregory: now we're talking

Obama: any objective non-idiot would
say I met John Boehner more than half way

Gregory: but you are still the Leader
so by definition it's all your fault

Obama: I lead on behalf of the
poor and elderly and disabled

Gregory: but you're supposed to
represent important people

Obama: basic fairness is at stake –
and by the way I won the fucking election

Gregory: I suppose so

Obama: the people have spoken –
rich people have had enough goodies!

Gregory: what is about you that
Republicans hate so much?

Obama: gosh I can't imagine

Gregory: let's try

Obama: Democrats are mad at me
because I offered to cut entitlements
and the GOP still said no

Gregory: you're not getting anything done!

Obama: Republicans say they care
about the debt but it seems like the
only thing they really care about is
giving even more money to rich people

Gregory: at least it's an ethos

Obama: we all agree on not raising
taxes on the middle class – so let's do it!

Gregory: are you prepared to slash
Medicare and Social Security like I want?

Obama: maybe

Gregory: you gotta talk tough to seniors!

Obama: I don't gotta do anything Fluffnuts

Gregory: gee whillikers you just gotta!

Obama: I offered chained CPO

Gregory: not enough suffereing!

Obama: I am not willing to put the entire
burden to pay for the Bush spending spree
on the old and helpless

Gregory: but they're so adorable and
also helpless

Obama: the American people actually
like the elderly and students and the
disabled and don't love billionaires

Gregory: well I've hung out with both and
I can tell you billionaires are much more fun

Obama: they're white and often fat

Gregory: you are obviously a weak
reeelcted President so what do you
want to do in your next term?

Obama: welcome immigrants and rebuild
some of these bridges which are all falling down

Gregory: boooring!

Obama: ok wind and solar and fracking

Gregory: neato

Obama: but first prevent Congress
from raising taxes on the middle class

Gregory: do you have the stomach for a gun fight?

Obama: we all have to do some
soul searching on why Americans
keep shooting each other

Gregory: what gun laws can you get passed?

Obama: Joe Biden is going to take
this issue on – it's a big fucking deal!

Gregory: the NRA leaders will say
no to anything you propose

Obama: I don't give a fuck what
those lunatics say

Gregory: the NRA says we should have
an armed guard at every entrance
and exit of every school

Obama: oh sure more guns in schools –
that will solve everything

Gregory: I sense some sarcasm in your answer

Obama: the American people need to
get behind this and also stop clinging
to their goddam guns

Gregory: oooh

Obama: I'm not going to forget guns –
that was the worst day of my Presidency

Gregory: speaking of that –
Bengazi was the worst thing ever!

Obama: we need armed guards outside
every embassy and consulate

Gregory: what an idea

Obama: hey it turns out turning security
over to the Libyans was a bad idea

Gregory: who carried out the attack?

Obama: we have Doc Brown on the case

Gregory: you left Susan Rice out to dry

Obama: she went on tv reporting
what we thought we knew

Gregory: but incorrect

Obama: all those attacks on her
were politically motivated

Gregory: Is Chuck Hegel
homophobic or an anti-semite?

Obama: who?

Gregory: Chuck Hegel the former 
Republican Senator

Obama: oh yeah – I met him once in
the Senate a long time ago

Gregory: does he think gays are icky?

Obama: well ten years ago we all did

Gregory: how frustrated are you how hard
it is to get things done in Washington?

Obama: what frustrates me are sanctimonious
idiots who say both sides are equally guilty
which is bullshit – the GOP obstructs
everything I do no matter how much I reach
out to the Republicans and you know it

Gregory: but there are two sides so they must be equal

Obama: I am never running again –
of course I want to America more prosperous
unlike a certain political party I could mention

Gregory: give me an example
of your lack of ideology

Obama: I am proposing tax cuts for
98% of people – that's not some left-wing
dirty hippie idea!

Gregory: if you don't want to cut taxes
for a billionaire you are a patchouli-smelling freak

Obama: I was watching the movie 'Lincoln'
and thought about how Washington
has always been a shit-filled mess

Gregory: true enough

Obama: if Republicans block my plan then
we will come back in January and propose
to cut taxes on the middle class all over again

Gregory: it's such an odd way to govern

Obama: I know but I'm dealing with total nutters

Gregory: thanks for coming Bam

Obama: you're welcome Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: oh my god panel –
Obama is driving a hard bargain

Brooks: brave men gave their lives
at Bunker Hill and Shiloh and we can't
even muster the courage cut Social Security

Gregory: you are so wise

Brooks: it's true the Republicans are 
crazy but Obama is like alien from a 
morally superior planet

Gregory: which one?

Gregory: Obama is from Mars -
Boehner is from one of the gas giants

Todd: the President doesn't even care
if we go over the cliff - it's so sad

Gregory: tell me more Chucky

Todd: the Republicans want to
surrender on taxes and then fight
the President tooth and nail on everything else

Gregory: that's quite a change

Brokaw: I just want to say that $250,000
a year is not very much money to live on

Gregory: that is so true

Brokaw: also Obama is lazy and
won't slash Social Security

Gregory: Obama is not actively engaged
and somewhat shiftless

Goodwin: Obama has finally learned
that the key to a great Presidency is to speak
to the American people like they are kind of dumb

Gregory: it's not lazy pundity to say both
sides are equally guilty because there
are two sides so they must be

Goodwin: but it isn't true

Gregory: that doesn't matter!

Meachem: exactly – Obama is smart and right
but he isn't warm and fuzzy like Ronald Reagan
and that's why he never sold his big bill 
in his first term

Todd: like how Obamacare failed to pass?

Goodwin: Obama should sleep with
Congressman like Bill Clinton did

Todd: this Congress has been
uniquely actrocious

Brokaw: also Congress is gerrymandered
to elect weirdos and nutjobs

Gregory: even Charles Krauthammer admits
that Obama has exposed the cracks
in the GOP caucus

Todd: Congress is on crack?

Brooks: it's true that the GOP are all
useless fucks but the America people
are selfish jerks who want to
bankrupt their children

Gregory: I begged Obama to cut Medicare
and he refused

Brokaw: Obama would be very popular
if he destroyed Medicare

Gregory: we all know that

Brokaw: Obama must make people work
until age 70 – people will love that

Todd: sweet jesus – the GOP
demagogued Medicare twice!

Brokaw: warble arble garble

Todd: Obama was willing to do cut
Medicare and the GOP said no!

Gregory: also it's Obama's fault
we won't get gun control

Meachem: exactly – as with so many other
political issues Obama's failure to be
America's Magic Negro is tragic

Brokaw: I was reading the latest issue of
Shotgun News and this is the
Assault Weapon foldout issue

Brooks: I only read that for the Letters to the Editor
where the pizza delivery boy takes off his clothes
and has a Bushmaster in his pants

Brokaw: there is no more unified crazy
constituency than nuts who think Obama
is going to take their guns away and
then take their wives and take their daughters
and then they will be forced to have sex
with other men to survive

Gregory: good lord

Gregory: panel what should Obama
do in the next four years?

Goodwin: Obama won because of Latinos
and now it's payback time

Brooks: Obama should emulate
George W. Bush and cut taxes and raise
spending and then wreck the economy
people love that

Brokaw: America must tolerate mass
killings of children because some people
fire machine guns as a hobby

Goodwin: Obama should ride a train
around America and dare someone to shoot him

Meachem: I love guns but the penis mightier

Brooks: that is so true

Meachem: the American people have to
decide if they want unlimited guns or
more shooting sprees in their kids' schools

Gregory: but when is Obama going to the find
to time attack the old and disabled?

Todd: Obama is not stupid like you all which
is why he will do immigration reform first

Goodwin: Obama should sleep
with a Mexican

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press



Anonymous said...

Obama, "who?" or Fluffy, "you're patchouli-smelling" and the rest of your summaries convey exactly what they said in the Meet The Press inteview. Anyone who thinks your choice of "cling to guns" or "we need armed guards outside every embassy" is commentary is just denying the careful reading you have done of the speakers.
Every person who participates in Sunday talk shows should be forced to see your translations in all major newspapers the next day, since they could never weasel away from the straight finger you point at what they are saying.

Anonymous said...

I have to (guiltily) admit that I sometimes wish the bobble-speak translations would have remained obscure and unknown, and dread (secretly of course) the day when it achieves the acclaim and thoroughgoing fame commensurate with it's wit and insight. Only because it is my secret weapon for making seemingly prescient insights and urbane, wickedly funny and devastating political pronouncements.

Secretly I know I'm no better than my ancient grandfather who searched the Readers Digest for anecdotes, I just happen to have been lucky to better material with a smaller (at least for now) circulation.

Anonymous said...

Bush regularly insulted and lied to Gregory.
Obama treats Gregory respectfully and answers his questions candidly.
Therefore both parties are the same.
See how that works?

Anonymous said...

Readers' Digest didn't pretend they don't send boys to their death, nor pretend they don't kill kids, the sick, and grannies. ZOMG Bobblespeak will make future newspapers lots of $$ truthtelling after the fact (sans frisson of Pentagon Paper injunctions)! Why oh why can't we have voting required by law (and mebbe Bobblespeak required reading) now?

- said...

dread (secretly of course) the day when it achieves the acclaim and thoroughgoing fame commensurate with it's wit and insight.

heh, thanks