Sunday, September 16, 2012

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - September 16, 2012

Host: Jake Tapper
Amb. Susan Rice (U.N. Mission)
Christiane Amanpour
Martha Raddatz
Brian Ross

Tapper: Susan what the hell
happened in Libya?

Rice: it was a spontaneous protest in
response to another less spontaneous
protest in Cairo

Tapper: okay

Rice: a perfectly nice riot by a peaceful
mob at our Libya consulate was ruined
by a few violent extremists with
automatic weapons

Tapper: why was security at the
embassy so lax

Rice: hey two Navy Seals were killed

Tapper: but don’t we always Marines
posted to the shores of Tripoli?

Rice: they were busy guarding the
Halls of Montezuma and the
Corridors of Power

Tapper: of course

Rice: look nobody claimed Libya is
Arizona or Colorado or Chicago

Tapper: well it’s not as violent

Rice: that’s true

Tapper: three years after we elect a guy
named Hussein our embassies are being
attacked all over the Muslim world

Rice: hey that was a really offensive movie

Tapper: The Expendables 2?

Rice: look we are making real progress
in stopping the violence

Tapper: the government of Egypt sent
the protestors a fruit basket!

Rice: yeah but it mostly those
bland Washington apples

Tapper: nevertheless it seems inappropriate

Rice: we are very popular in Libya
except for our Ambassador being killed

Tapper: the U.S. has sent billions in taxpayer
money to Egypt and this is how
they thank us?

Rice: President Obama called the President
of Egypt and told him to get with the
program or be cut off from the money

Tapper: it’s just like the movie ‘Arthur’

Rice: Obama has provided calm and
steady leadership unlike that other jackass

Tapper: oh snap

Rice: the Grand Mufti loves us!

Tapper: how can we get these foreign
leaders in line?

Rice: we can do two things:
kick ass and take names

Tapper: thanks for coming ambassador

[ break ]

Tapper: what on earth is going on
in the middle east?

Amanpour: the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood
is panicked about losing the friendship
of the United States

Tapper: what about Libya?

Amanpour: hey don’t forget Libya just
finished a civil war where the U.S.
toppled the old regime - there’s bound
to be some resentment and a lot of guns

Tapper: will these protest spread to the
Homeland or our Boardwalk Empire

Ross: it’s never too early to panic Jake

Raddatz: if you are trapped in an embassy
your best bet is to let the protestors
climb the walls and hang out for a while
and tweet how nice those young people
climbing in the window are

Tapper: what is the story with this
crazy YouTube video?

Ross: the filmmaker tries to create a
violent reaction and it worked

Amanpour: the filmmaker is not only an
extremist - he’s a dastardly evil guy
who pretended to be Jewish to
incite more violence

Tapper: that is twisted

Raddatz: the actors were told they were
making an infomercial for Oxy-Clean

Tapper: sweet jesus is nothing sacred

Amanpour: I need to point out that
Libyans love Americans and the
Muslim Brotherhood say they like
Coptic Christians

Tapper: well I’ll be damned

Tapper: why is the entire American Navy
trolling the middle east

Raddatz: you know just cruisin’
the neighborhood

Tapper: what’s up with the relationship
with U.S. and Israel

Raddatz: they met on eHarmony but it
may not be working out too well

Amanpour: Israel was hoping to goad
Obama into attacking Iran and he told
Bibi to cool it

Tapper: how close are Iranians to
building a nuclear bomb?

Ross: four weeks

Tapper: what?!

Amanpour: or a year or two

Ross: yes maybe a few years

Tapper: jesus you almost gave me a
heart attack Brian

Ross: how else am I going to get to
host this show?

Tapper: oh Brian you scamp