Sunday, September 02, 2012

Meet The Press - September 2, 2012

September 2, 2012
Mayor Rahm Emmanuel (D-Chicago)
Newt Gingrich
Tom Brokaw
Doris Goodwin
Carly Fiorina
Tom Friedman

Gregory: good morning Rahm

Emmanuel: you too David

Gregory: with our bad economy isn’t
Mitt Romney the lesser of two evils?

Emmanuel: no because he would return
us to the policies that wrecked America
in the first place

Gregory: perhaps

Emmanuel: in Romney’s speech there
was no memorable lines or good ideas

Gregory: but that doesn’t mean
people should vote for Obama

Emmanuel: we’re adding jobs, fixing
the banking system and building
houses again

Gregory: Invisible Obama told Eastwood
to tell Romney to go screw himself

Emmanuel: we are only talking about
this old actor because Romney’s speech
was devoid of anything worth talking about

Gregory: yes but-

Emmanuel: shut up - I’m talking here Fluffy

Gregory: ok but you only want to talk
about Mitt Romney instead of how
terrible Romney thinks Obama is

Emmanuel: no shit stupid

Gregory: Mitt says he voted for Obama
and he’s very disappointed with that his
stocks have only doubled and paid 13% in taxes

Emmanuel: Romney wanted to cut taxes
for the rich, cut student loans, screw
underwater homeowners, and let
Detroit go bankrupt

Gregory: so you say but-

Emmanuel: zip it David - Romney only
cares about rich people

Gregory: a lot of people hate Obama

Emmanuel: hey Fluffy General Motors
is alive and Osama bin Laden is dead

Gregory: it’s not a binary choice
between Obama and Romney

Emmanuel: yes it is you dimwit
[ punches Gregory in the face ]

Gregory: stop hitting me

Emmanuel: we were shedding jobs when
Obama was sworn in and we’ve added
millions of jobs

Gregory: Newt Gingrich says Obama
waived the welfare work rules

Emmanuel: Republican Governors asked
for more flexibility and now those fuckers
are lying about it

Gregory: I’ve heard that

Emmanuel: State Senator Obama
reformed welfare in Illinois

Gregory: what is the plan for the
Democratic convention?

Emmanuel: four words: middle class

Gregory: what are the other two?

Emmanuel: fuck you

Gregory: there’s a wave of violence in Chicago

Emmanuel: shootings are down in
the last few hours

Gregory: ok

Emmanuel: normal people shouldn’t
worry since it’s all gang-on-gang violence

Gregory: but what’s the solution?

Emmanuel: If I have to I will start
shooting people myself

Gregory: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: Newt what happened
at the Convention

Gingrich: Republicans will make
lazy people work

Brokaw: Even the Wall Street Journal
thought Romney blew it

Gregory: uh huh

Brokaw: if I may quote Cuba Gooding junior
in Jerry Maguire ‘you complete me’

Fiorina: the Wall Street Journal is
a commie rag

Gregory: amazing

Fiorina: Romney would create 1 million
jobs by building a giant pipeline to transport
Canadian oil across America to sell around the world

Friedman: Romney was very specific
- but his math doesn’t add up

Gregory: Tom what do the American
people really want?

Friedman: to suffer

Gregory: Is Romney likable?

Goodwin: they humanized Romney but
people don’t think Mitt can relate to their
problems - Lincoln was a depressive weirdo
but most people in the 19th century were like that

Gregory: Clint Eastwood yelled at
an empty chair

Brokaw: screaming scatalogical
obscenities about the President was
a little bit of a problem

Gingrich: it was a disaster - if I’d
been the nominee this would never
have happened

Gregory: how would you have done it

Gingrich: I would have closed the show
with 100 poor kids happily sweeping the
floor like in “Newsies”

Gregory: what happened to Obama’s
hope and change?

Friedman: Obama never made the case
to Americans by bringing out Warren Buffet
to talk to the people about how awesome
it is to be rich

Gregory: Newt on inauguration night you
pledged to oppose everything Obama did

Gingrich: Obama got everything he wanted!

Fiorina: Newt will you marry me

Gingrich: give me six months Carly

Fiorina: Obama controlled the Congress
for two years and he failed to prevent
the Tea Party from wrecking our credit rating

Brokaw: I noticed that Paul Ryan lied
shamelessly in his speech

Fiorina: you lie Tom!

Friedman: No GOP official talked about
the surplus they turned into a deficit,
unpaid-for wars, drug benefits, and
endless tax cuts

Goodwin: Neil Armstrong went to the
moon with government money -
Obama should aggressively defend
government spending

Gingrich: I’m kind of a big deal

Gregory: well all know that Newt

Gingrich: Mika Brezinski and Joe Scarborough humiliated themselves at my ridiculously
named Newt Gingrich University

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: America is making millions
drilling in North Dakota!

Gregory: so Obama hasn’t stopped
drilling after all?

Gingrich: yes but Mitt Romney would drill
in Cleveland, Hawaii and the National Mall

Fiorina: imagine oil derricks in front of the
Lincoln Memorial - what a beautiful
sight that would be

Goodwin: [ palmface ]

Gregory: the GOP  is trying to address
the gender gap

Todd: Obama needs a big gap among
women - and he’s got it

Gregory: women vote - who knew?

Todd: Virginia is for Lovers Who
Love Ultrasounds

Fiorina: I was very impressed and
jealous of the women stars at the
Republican convention

Gregory: I can see that

Fiorina: Democrats belittle women by
assuming they care about their individual rights

Gregory: nice try Carly

Goodwin: Eleanor Roosevelt never
even mentioned FDR’s polio at her
convention speech

Gingrich: I suspect he was never
handicapped - he was probably just
another lazy Democrat

Gregory: Ann Romney told us to vote
for her selfless husband dammit

Brokaw: This is the Century of Women

Goodwin: one out 100 isn’t bad

Brokaw: the GOP loves mothers but
do they really respect women?

Fiorina: every rational person condemned
Todd Akin’s despicable remarks about
rape and called on him to drop out

Gingrich: not me

Fiorina: oh no here we go

Gingrich: Todd Akin sort-of apologized
but Obama wants to murder children!

Friedman: Fluffy I would like to thank you
for making the rest of us normal by
inviting this crazy person

Gregory: My pleasure Mustache man

Gingrich: Joe Biden is a racist who
wants to put black people in chains

Gregory: Romney also used the
chains metaphor

Gingrich: yes but Romney never talks to
black people so he can’t be a racist

Gregory: getting back to Akin - you
don’t think he should drop out
of the race?

Gingrich: of course not - Akin won
the primary therefore he’s just
like Marco Rubio!

Brokaw: whoa - you agree with Todd Akin?

Gingrich: I am just saying that Democrats
murder babies

Fiorina: Stop! Stop it! Stop talking!
Women don’t care about abortion!

Gingrich: the media are biased - they
only talk about how I called black people
lazy instead of reporting on the Democrats
plan to let the U.N. enslave Americans
and put them to work in abortion factories!

Gregory: and that’s another episode
of Meet The Press

Sunday Talk Shows: The Most Ridiculous Moment


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

fixing the banking system

Only for definitions of "fixing" that consist of protecting and throwing money at the criminals.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the word "fix" was used as in "putting in the fix" on a gambling event. Example: the system of ensuring that the corporation seeking to foreclose on your home has the legal right to do so has been "fixed" by laws making this a conclusive presumption.

Anonymous said...


Bukko Boomeranger said...

Dicky Greggers gets punhed in the fac e a lot in these interviews, doesn't he? Man, I wish he'd interview me just so's I could...