Meet The Press - May 22, 2011

Guests:
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)
Andrea Mitchell
Eugene Robinson
Andrew Ross Sorkin
Mike Murphy
********************************

Gregory: Mitch Daniels was going to ride
in on a white horse to the White House but he said the women in my life won’t let me President

Audience: we lost Mr. Excitement -
truly the world has ended

Gregory: Mitch Daniels discovered fiscal
discipline after he left the Bush White House

Ryan: it’s a tragedy

Gregory: Paul will you run for President

Ryan: no I need to stay in Congress and
fight for fiscal sanity

Gregory: so you are leaving the door ajar!

Ryan: no I will privatize Medicare or die trying!

Gregory: on this show Gingrich called Paul Ryan’s
plan radical right-wing social engineering

Gingrich: I made a mistake - although to be fair
to me I said it on Meet the Press and assumed
no one would be watching

Gregory: good point

Gingrich: any ad that quotes me directly
is a falsehood

Gregory: Congressman Newt called you a
radical crazy person

Ryan: that is true but only for those few Americans
who are under 55 years old

Gregory: I see

Ryan: under my plan people would get to choose
to deny their money to lazy doctors

Gregory: I see

Ryan: Obama would let 15 bureaucrats
kill old people

Gregory: Is Newt a demagogue?

Ryan: yes - but he’s always been a horrible person

Gregory: so now he’s just trying to seem moderate

Ryan: right

Gregory: a lot of Republicans are afraid to be
seen in the same zip code as you

Ryan: I hate demagogues - did you know if
we don’t privatize Medicare now current seniors
will die slow horrible deaths

Greg: I did not

Ryan: where is the democrats plan to
destroy Medicare?!?

Gregory: has Gingrich handed the 2012
election to Obama?

Ryan: we have to rise above petty politics
and remind everyone that if we don’t slash
Medicare then current retirees will starve to death

Gregory: Newt Gingrich basically ruined any
chance of your plan being enacted -
doesn’t that bother you?

Ryan: who cares what the American people think -
we will create our own reality if we have to

Gregory: good luck with that

Ryan: people will reward me for not scaring seniors -
I just remind that Obama wants all old
people to suffer

Gregory: Is it true that all GOP Presidential
candidates must promise to privatize Medicare?

Ryan: absolutely

Gregory: if your ideas are so necessary how
come everyone is running away from your plan?

Ryan: like who?

Gregory: Michelle Bachmann thinks you’re
crazy and she’s um, crazy

Ryan: look this is very simple - old people will get a
coupon to shop around for health coverage when they’re dying

Gregory: that seems eminently sensible

Ryan: we don’t want to give the government the power to deny health coverage to old people -
we want to give that power to for-profit insurance companies

Gregory: are you willing to negotiate?

Ryan: sure but the Democrats have not put out their own nutty wildly unpopular plan

Gregory: will you vote to raise the
debt ceiling?

Ryan: the GOP realized that spending is
bad since a Democrat became a President

Gregory: so will you make a deal

Ryan: yes as long as Obama cuts spending so much
a Republican can be elected and borrow and spend all over again

Gregory: good luck Paul

[ break ]

Gregory: Chris are we finally going to end Medicare?

Van Hollen: Newt was right -
it is right-wing radical social engineering

Gregory: but Paul Ryan is so wonderful

Van Hollen: they would leave seniors to the
mercy of for-profit companies and soraring costs

Gregory: but Paul Ryan is right -
you Democrats don’t have your own horrible plan

Van Hollen: they won’t even cut oil subsidies

Gregory: the Republicans are right of course -
we must end Medicare so are the Democrats going to do it or not?

Van Hollen: Fluffy you are a moron

Gregory: OMG Mitch Daniels isn’t running for President!

Murphy: if Chris Christie doesn’t get in it’s
down to Romney, Pawlenty and Hunstman

Gregory: Could Paul Ryan could be elected President in 2012?

Mitchell: I want access to the drugs
you are on Fluffers

Robinson: it’s all Mitt Romney now

Gregory: this is so sad - who will carry the
message of fiscal discipline and cutting my taxes?

Sorkin: the criminals on Wall Street love Paul Ryan

Murphy: Paul Ryan is the grown-up
bravest man in Washington

Van Hollen: it doesn’t take courage to slash
Medicaid and give free money oil companies

Murphy: you can only prove you’re serious
if you propose something incredibly unpopular

Gregory: Democrats plan to run against
Paul Ryan in 2011 and 2012

Mitchell: both sides are bad and lack courage
except for Paul Ryan - the sexiest man in D.C.

Sorkin: Ryan is so wonderful -
I for one would like to touch the hem of his garment

Robinson: there is one small problem with all
your applause to Paul Ryan’s so-called leadership and courage - actual human beings don’t want
Medicare to be a voucher program

Murphy: the Democrats have shown no courage
on spending or taxes

Van Hollen: that’s not true dipshit - Democrats have
proposed spending cuts and raising taxes
on the rich

Gregory: ooh how about caps on spending?!

Van Hollen: No

Gregory: that’s not what Republicans want

Van Hollen: I don’t care Fluffy -
all they want to do is slash Medicare and Medicaid

Gregory: Is Newt Gingrich finished?

Murphy: he’s an intellectual but basically a jerk

Robinson: Newt Gingrich looked at the polls
and saw that Paul Ryan’s plan is really really really really really unpopular

Gregory: Newt is now going up to random people
and apologizing profusely

Mitchell: it seems like a problem

Van Hollen: can I note that people don’t want to privatize Medicare

Sorkin: it’s the economy stupid

Murphy: if the GOP can stop talking about entitlements and focus on jobs they can win

Robinson: good luck with that

Gregory: Look here is a video of Jon Hunstman buying a gun

Mitchell: he’s adorable but unelectable

Gregory: are you scared of him?

Van Hollen: um no

Gregory: who are you scared of

Van Hollen: zombies and Mitt Romney

Robinson: that’s redundant

Murphy: Michele Bachmann will win Iowa
which is full of crazy people

Gregory: good god

Murphy: that will help Hunstman win New Hampshire

Gregory: Romeny raised a lot of money this week

Mitchell: Whether Vain has run before and that helps

Robinson: look in the end the GOP is going to have a candidate and that person will get 45% of the vote

Gregory: Herman Cain delivered pizza
but can he deliver votes?!

Murphy: that’s funny but ultimately it’s
Mitt Romney’s to lose

Gregory: my twitter feed is trying to draft
Paul Ryan for President

Robinson: that’s genius fluff

Gregory: Obama said a starting point for talks
should be the 1967 Israel borders!

Mitchell: Bibi treated Obama like a schoolboy
in the White House which was a big mistake

Van Hollen: Obama loves Israel!!

Murphy: Obama lost 75,000 votes by suggesting
Florida return to its pre-1805 borders

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press
***************************

This Week with Christiane Amanpour -- May 22, 2011

Guests:
George Mitchell
King Abullah II of Jordan
Jake Tapper
Aaron Miller
******************************
Amanpour: holy crap now Mitch Daniels won’t
run for President - will this nightmare of GOP non-candidates never end??

Audience: so sad

Amanpour: Obama set off a firestorm of criticism
by saying peace should be based on Israel borders before 1967

Huckabee: Obama proved he hates America
because he betrayed Israel

Amanpour: Bibi demanded that Obama
endorse the settlements

Amanpour: Israelis suspect Obama may be
more loyal to America than to their country

Audience: ooh

Amanpour: but Obama bashed efforts
to delegitimize Israel

Audience: wow he’s pissing everyone off

Amanpour: George Mitchell does Obama
want to destroy Israel?

Mitchell: no he wants Israel to swap control
of land for security - hell Ehud Olmert endorsed the same plan

Amanpour: then why did Bibi freak out
and smash the White House china

Mitchell: because Palestinians want the
UN to recognize their statehood

Amanpour: can there ever be peace between
the Palestinians and Israel?

Mitchell: hell no - that’s why I quit

Amanpour: Obama wants the settlements stopped and the Arab states to be nice to Israel

Mitchell: Obama wants both sides to give a little and neither side wants to so nothing will ever get done

Amanpour: you’re so much fun to have on

Amanpour: Did the White House know his opponents would act like he wants to destroy Israel?

Tapper: the President is used to people saying he hates America and now they think he hates Israel too

Miller: Bibi took Obama’s speech to mean
he wants Israel to commit suicide

Amanpour: Bibi and Obama don’t
like each other

Tapper: he lecutured the President in front of everyone in the Oval Office - bin Laden and Trump crossed Obama and look what happened to them

Miller: Bibi is very confident that
the peace process is dead

Amanpour: even American friends of
Israel think Bibi is acting like an asshole

Tapper: Bibi is worried that Obama
gave up a key Israel negotiating position

Miller: Israel is worried Obama might
actually make a real peace proposal

Miller: the Arab world is blossoming in democracy -
now is just not the right time to propose peace

Tapper: Hamas is a terror organization
and a key player

[ break ]

Amanpour: King Abdullah what is going on
in the Middle East

Abdullah: it’s a fun time all around

Amanpour: is it a call for freedom?

Abdullah: people really want money and jobs

Amanpour: what about democracy?

Abdullah: guess what - Jordan is having elections!

Amanpour: Americans are scared of democracy in the Middle East and Wisconsin

Abdullah: people in the Middle East only hate America because of the Palestinian problem

Amanpour: you don’t like Netanyahu

Abdullah: he’s a colossal dick

Amanpour: will there be another war
in the Middle East ?

Abdullah: probably - we have one
every 18 months

Amanpour: Hamas are terrorists so we
can’t have negotiations

Abdullah: I wish the Israelis would pick
a position and bloody well stick to it!

Amanpour: oh my

Abdullah: Hamas is not in the Palestinian government - Israel needs to have courage!

Amanpour: How is Bashar al-Assad’s reform movement going

Abdullah: not well Christiane

Amanpour: is Bashar even in charge of
Syria anymore?

Abdullah: he updated his Facebook status to “still President”

Amanpour: well that’s good

Abdullah: once a week I meet with the
unwashed masses in the river Jordan

Amanpour: people say your wife is the
Marie Antoinette of Jordan

Abdullah: that’s just an attempt to
destabilize my government

Amanpour: can she pick her own ministers

Abdullah: this has got to stop -
it’s destroying Jordan!

Amanpour: you were Oprah’s final guest -
what is she like?

Abdullah: no that was Michael Jordan

Amanpour: I am sorry about that

Abdullah: so am I
*******************************

Meet the Press - May 15, 2011

Guests:
Newt Gingrich
Helene Cooper
E.J. Dionne
Matt Bai
Peggy Noonan
Mark Halperin
************************
Gregory: do you think Congress should
increase debt ceiling?

Gingrich: we should avoid default if we can -
but don’t give Obama a blank check

Gregory: Newt will you turn Medicare
into a voucher program

Gingrich: I don’t agree with radical social
engineering even from the right

Gregory: well that’s boring

Gingrich: I am also against Medicare fraud

Gregory: you disappoint me Newtie

Gingrich: I am totally not a radical despite
what you may have heard

Gregory: will you raise taxes?

Gingrich: no - people seem to like low taxes

Gregory: but smart economists say we
should raise revenues

Gingrich: yes but that’s just people who
know what they are talking about

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: I can find an extra $125 billion
per year by re-imagining government as a profitable business which I have never run

Gregory: you called Obama
The Food Stamp President

Gingrich: I wrote that line by myself -
but you can use it

Gregory: no thanks - it's lame at best
and could be racist

Gingrich: that’s bizarre - I sir am no a racist

Gregory: what did you mean by that
rather weird statement then?

Gingrich: Obama destroyed Detroit by
not having litigation reform

Gregory: you don’t say

Gingrich: the EPA is trying to control
the entire American economy

Gregory: is that right?

Gingrich: paychecks vs food stamps!

Gregory: In 1993 you supported requiring
people to buy health insurance

Gingrich: yes but we must also have policies
to make libertarians happy

Gregory: like what

Gingrich: Making people post a bond
before giving them CPR

Gregory: I see

Gingrich: most people without health insurance use the money to go on fancy vacations

Gregory: let's switch topics - are we losing
the war on terror?

Gingrich: absolutely

Gregory: but we just got Osama bin Laden

Gingrich: but then Pakistan called the Chinese

Gregory: that’s vaguely scary

Gingrich: George W. Bush was soft on
international terrorism

Gregory: you say Obama is an out-of-touch
anti-colonial Kenyan con artist

Gingrich: yes but a guy with dark skin said it first

Gregory: are you a total lunatic?

Gingrich: maybe

Gregory: do you think Obama hates America?

Gingrich: right - he’s puts the Arab League
and UN before America

Gregory: that’s sounds ludicrous

Gingrich: Obama hides his wily oriental ways well

Gregory: what will it take for you to be elected President apart from a supernatural event

Gingrich: I’m going to have to rein in my
more crazy statements

Gregory: are a just man with terrible ideas or can you actually lead this nation down a path to disaster

Gingrich: my destiny is to lead a movement around reviving the 10th Amendment

Gregory: Tom Coburn arranged illegal payoffs
to John Ensign’s mistress and even he
thinks you’re immoral

Gingrich: I love my children unlike Susan Smith who drowned her kids because of the Democrat party

Gregory: I could listen to you all day

Gingrich: wait til I get going!

Gregory: you’re so patriotic you cheated
on your wife

Gingrich: sure I’m a lout but I also have an endless series of fantastically weird ideas

Gregory: your businesses don’t pay all their taxes

Gingrich: true but we paid some of them

Gregory: will you go after Huckabee voters?

Gingrich: heh I don’t think they will vote for me I’m just a fat white southern conservative

Gregory: will you be like Ronald Reagan -
run on the right, govern from the center,
and send weapons to Iran?

Gingrich: there is no right-wing majority
in this country

Gregory: who’s the front runner?

Gingrich: all those rich guys like Romney,
Huntsman and that reality show host

Gregory: Donald Trump?

Gingrich: or Ryan Seacrest whoever

[ break ]

Gregory: so panel - how about that Newt Gingrich?

Halperin: he’s very underrated and showed
today what a strong candidate he is in my
fevered imagination

Gregory: he still seems to think Obama is un-American

Bai: he’s a very intelligent and thoughtful
mean bastard

Gregory: Newt supports a health insurance mandate and opposes Paul Ryan’s nutty budget plan

Noonan: the new Newt is a good-natured
easy-listening freak

Gregory: do we like the new soft cuddly Newt?

Halperin: he stayed calm today and didn’t
call anyone Hitler

Dionne: he’s a big old bigoted teddy bear

Cooper: it was fascinating to watch him try to restrain himself from comparing Obama to Pol Pot

Gregory: is he old news?

Noonan: 18 year-old voters will find
Newt Gingrich very compelling

Halperin: that what makes Newt so formidable!

Huckabee: God told me to make money
on Fox News

Dionne: Huckabee leaves all the Christian
voters up for grabs

Halperin: also poor people making $95,000

Trump: good luck in Florida grifter!

Dionne: all these GOP candidates are promoting
a book, a tv show or line of clothing for abstinent teen mothers

Gregory: why is no one running against Obama??

Bai: they’re going for the big money

Noonan: they all think they’re going to
lose to Obama and they’re right

Gregory: Mark you have Bachman's odds at
1000 to 1 - why so short?

Halperin: there are many, many things
I don’t know

Romney: I did what I believe was right
for the commies in Massachusetts

Dionne: he might as well embrace Romneycare
since it was pretty good

Gregory: that's so crazy it just might work

Dionne: but GOP primary voters demand
insanity from their candidate

Cooper: the Tea Party was founded on
opposition to the healthcare mandate and the President’s funny religion

Halperin: Luckily Romney doesn’t
have those problems

Gregory: Obama will be defeated because
he can’t control gas prices

Bai: but people still like Obama

Gregory: or unemployment could also
be a deal breaker

Halperin: there are a lot of red states out there
who yearn for the good times of 2008 again

Gregory: what news did Newt make this morning?

Bai: he’s going to run as the candidate of people who think Obama is secret Kenyan muslim witch doctor

Gregory: Lindsay Graham says Obama has to kill Qadaffi to prove he’s not a wimp

Cooper: or he could just invade Pakistan

Halperin: I like it!

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press
**********************************

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - May 15, 2011

Guests:
Gov. Nikki Haley (R-SC)
George Will
Cokie Roberts
Shelia Bair
Paul Krugman
Roger Altman
Douglas Holtz-Eakin
****************************

Amanpour: OMG America will be deprived of a
Mike Huckabee Presidency!

Amanpour: Welcome Governor - do you say
hell no to paying America’s debts?

Haley: damn right - there’s chaos in Washington

Amanpour: but default will ruin America’s economy

Haley: so what

Amanpour: what do you think of Newt Gingrich?

Haley: sure he’s a dislikeable lunatic but on the
plus side he hates unions

Amanpour: people dislike him

Haley: that is true but he has many interesting
and insane ideas

Amanpour: Mitt Romney announced he is running against Mitt Romney - can he win?

Haley: I congratulate Romney in his courageous stance against Mitt Romney

Amanpour: How exciting is Mitch Daniels?

Haley: he’s sexy - look I love family values too
but first we must crush the unions

Amanpour: Mitch is so dull he has been married to the same woman twice which seems like a lack of imagination or an ingenious plan to get a lot of gifts

Haley: family values are very important but you
can’t attack a candidate who is not a Democrat for their bad values

Amanpour: but the GOP is all about pretend-christian values

Haley: that was before - now I am warning all candidates no one cares about values anymore
now that none of our candidates have any

Amanpour: Donald Trump has a potty mouth

Haley: Keep that dirty talk in New York

Amanpour: what about Sarah Palin?

Haley: Sarah Palin woke people up who thought government was a big waste of time when she quit being governor after 2 years to become
a full time grifter

Amanpour: will you run for Vice President?

Haley: I would be better than the current crop but no - I’m not crazy!

[ break ]

Amanpour: Why did we lose Huckabee - he would have been so much fun

Will: he was crazy enough to win the nomination

Roberts: that role is now filled by Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich

Walter: Huckabee was not a fiscal conservative because he once raised taxes

Amanpour: Weather Vain is desperately trying to explain RomneyCare

Will: since 2008 he’s flip-flopped on health care, federalism, gay rights, abortion and whether
'Lost' is a great tv show

Roberts: but do Americans want an android for President?

Will: in 2013 the President will be Barack Obama
Tim Pawlenty or Mitch Daniels

[ Obama, at home ] Snort!

Roberts: high-profile people like Mitch Daniels people think Mitch Daniels should run for President

Amanpour: what else makes him a
strong candidate?

Roberts: he cut off funds to Planned Parenthood

Amanpour: that’s good - but his wife from his first and second marriages doesn’t want him to run

Walter: these people all want to be drafted - you have to want to run

Roberts: David Broder said Dolley Madison was ruining Washington with her plebian ice cream

Amanpour: Newt Gingrich admitted he’s a jerk but he likes his grandchildren

Roberts: he went through three wives, three religions and three donuts in the green room

Will: He’s totally incoherent on ethanol Kenya
and Qadaffi

Walter: anyway now Paul Ryan is the one with all the big terrible ideas Republicans love

Amanpour: Did Obama get a bin Laden bounce?

Will: no one cares about catching some stupid terrorist

Roberts: it helps Obama because instead of being seen as dithering and out of touch Obama is
seen as decisive and daring

GOP: oh shit

[ break ]

Amanpour: should we raise the debt ceiling?

Krugman: if Obama gives in on spending cuts in exchange for raising the debt ceiling then the GOP will blackmail him forever

Holtz-Eakin: we must cut Medicare

Amanpour: that is so true

Bair: there’s too much tesosterone in this debate

Amanpour: Pawlenty will fix that

Altman: duh we have to keep borrowing money so we have to raise the limit

Krugman: US debt is the world’s gold standard
- for now

Amanpour: even the Chamber of Commerce think we should raise the debt ceiling

Krugman: talking about cuts in the middle of a debt ceiling debate is just stupid

Holtz: Democrats control the GOP-controlled
House of Representatives

Altman: you’re an idiot

Holtz: 9 out of 10 Americans care deeply about this issue no one knows about

Amanpour: how about raising taxes?

Bair: there’s an idea

Krugman: if you are the only adult in the room and the other side is willing blow the room up that's
a tough position

Amanpour: it seem like a problem

Krugman: we’re not going to eliminate the Great Society just because the GOP is having a tantrum

Altman: Long-term cuts in exchange for raising the ceiling

Krugman: we should not change decades of policy with a ticking time bomb about to go off

Holtz-Eakin: the markets want us to eliminate Medicaid and Medicare

Krugman: sure they do
****************************

May 15 | 9 pm eastern | Virtually Speaking Sundays |
Dahlia Lithwick and Culture of Truth consider U.S. Supreme Court
decisions and inside stories. Listen live and later on Blog Talk Radio.

Meet The Press - May 8, 2011

Guests:
Tom Donilon - National Security Advisor
Rudy Giuliani
Michael Chertoff
Michael Hayden
Bob Woodward
Doris Goodwin
Katty Kay
Mike Murphy
*****************************

Gregory: wow look at these tapes the U.S. seized tapes of bin Laden getting an Extreme Makeover

Donilon: we seized his entire VHS collection including all three Karate Kids, Backs to the Future, Red Dawn and The Last Starfighter

Gregory: my god what else

Donilon: we got all his vinyl LPs including the
entire Michael Jackson collection

Gregory: wow even Off The Wall
- was he an operational leader?

Donilon: Michael?

Gregory: no bin Laden

Donilon: probably we’re still sifting through his collection of thumb drives and his 8-tracks

Gregory: will Amtrak be bombed soon?

Donilon: if it is we let non-train riding normal
people know after it happens

Gregory: good

Donilon: this is not the end or the beginning of the end but it’s the start of the middle of the half-way point of the war on terror

Gregory: how terrified should I be?

Donilon: a lot - Katie Couric is a free agent now

Gregory: was this a death blow to al-qaeda?

Donilon: it’s pretty important Fluffy

Gregory: are they leaderless now?

Donilon: it’s like when your CEO is indicted -
you scramble to get a new one

Gregory: what about Ayman al-Zawahiri

Donilon: he takes the big job after the sudden death of the boss but people doubt he can measure up - you must know what that’s like

Gregory: the Bush doctrine was if you feed a terrorist he is fed but if you teach him to fish you are a terrorist - so when do we go to war with Pakistan?

Donilon: is never good for you

Gregory: but members of Congress are fake outraged

Donilon: I just remembered something - I don’t care

Gregory: what if we find out that the Pakistan government knew where bin Laden was all along?

Donilon: I don’t want to answer a hypothetical question

Gregory: that’s not a hypothetical

Donilon: do you know what the word
hypothetical means?

Gregory: um no [ sobs ]

Donilon: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: are we going to war with them or not?

Donilon: more terrorists are caught in Pakistan than anywhere else

Gregory: you didn’t trust them enough to tell about the raid in advance

Donilon: true but we didn’t tell Mueller
or Petraeus either -

Gregory: yeah those guys are real operators

Gregory: Charles Krauthammer says torture
and illegal wiretapping have finally been totally vindicated

Rumsfeld: waterboarding is the best thing ever!

Donilon: I’m not interested in more bullshit from those incompetent assholes

Gregory: did torture help?

Donilon: there were hundreds of sources
of information

Gregory: yes but torture is probably really awesome

Donilon: this isn’t partisan - it’s about how much
the USA rules

Gregory: how is it possible that the details of a s
ecret night-time raid thousands of miles away got confused

Donilon: you’re funny

Gregory: no one seal admitted to killing bin Laden because those guys are a team-oriented gang of stone cold badasses

Donilon: you have no idea Fluffy

[ break ]

Gregory: what are we learning now?

Hayden: we’re creating an encyclopedia on al-qaeda

Gregory: Wikiqaeda?

Hayden: right

Gregory: Mr. Chertoff is it true that you are in fact
still alive?

Chertoff: yes I am

Gregory: if you say so

Gregory: Rudy you were a municipal leader
10 years ago - tell us about your expertise in international terror

Giuliani: it’s faaabulous!

Steve Coll: Al-Qaeda is scary but we should not change our lives over it

Chertoff: now that Osama is dead we will probably see more attacks

Gregory: Didn’t Obama fail by not capturing bin Laden alive?

Hayden: no he didn’t Fluffy

Gregory: can we declare that torture is the best thing of all time

Hayden: that’s ridiculous

Giuliani: waterboarding is like Apple - It Just Works

Gregory: we tortured one guy 183 times and didn’t find out where bin Laden was

Chertoff: I was head of the criminal division on 9/11

Gregory: good job on that by the way

Chertoff: the point is not whether torture works -
the point is that it feels really good

Gregory: did Pakistan tell you who the courier was?

Hayden: no they did not Fluff

Gregory: did they harbor a terrorist?

Hayden: the burden of proof is on them to prove what they did not know

Gregory: I oversaw street cleaning in NYC so I
know all about Pakistan

Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan now that we achieved our goal of going into Afghanistan

Hayden: whoa whoa whoa let’s not rush not occupying another country - terror could go up!

Gregory: should we increase the war on terror?

Hayden: damm right!

Gregory: Obama went to Ground Zero and of course you were there as always

Giuliani: I spied them from Bernie Kerik’s love nest

Gregory: how about that bin Laden killing?

Giuliani: Obama and Bush and America all did an awesome job

Gregory: that’s very non-partisan of you

Giuliani: But Bush is the most awesome for being President on 9/11 without which we never have had to go to another country and kill a guy

Gregory: that is such a good point - will you please run for President?

Giuliani: I am awesome aren’t I

Gregory: you are - you really are!

[ break ]

Gregory: Bob what have learned since nailing Osama?

Woodward: it’s a triumph of middle-management and for my sources who leaked their heroism to me

Gregory: how did they get bin Laden?

Woodward: the courier left the compound to recharge his iPhone

Gregory: damm you steve jobs

Woodward: bin Laden was living in luxury and
raised his middle finger to America

Gregory : Robert Kagan says our President must
kill kill kill

Goodwin: Obama now has huge balls

Murphy: he won the testosterone jackpot

Gregory: oh my

Murphy: we have bin Laden’s Hello Kitty diary!

Gregory: incredibly people support Obama on not releasing photos as usual that shocks me

Kay: graphic photos would never persuade doubters but publishing inflammatory pictures would be stupid and dangerous

Gregory: George Bush would’ve done it

Kay: uh-huh

Gregory: Obama promised in 2008 that he would hunt down and kill bin Laden and he did

Woodward: he has ramped up covert action around the world and has sent a message to al-qaeda - there’s a new cold-blooded bad-ass cobra in the White House and he’s going Vulcan on your ass

Goodwin: Obama Unburdened!

Gregory: can we leave Afghanistan now?

Murphy: even the GOP wants to get the hell out of that mess

Gregory: Obama’s popularity is up but this is obviously a fleeting moment

Murphy: just like the first President Bush Obama will probably be defeated

Kay: but catching bin Laden undermines the idea that Obama is a weak dithering socialist

Gregory: yes but what has Barack Obama done
for us lately?

Woodward: nothing! it’s all downhill from here

Gregory: right

Woodward: People want to know that
‘Obama is out there looking for me’

Gregory: that would make me nervous

Murphy: Bush catching bin Laden puts pressure on Obama

Gregory: Unemployment is still high!

Kay: but Obama is also creating jobs

Woodward: Obama now tingles my happy place

Gregory: bin Laden was an operational leader and in charge of marketing and advertising for al-qaeda

Goodwin: the al-qaeda caveman was a flop

Woodward: Osama bin Laden’s Facebook page had 714 followers in the Pakistani military

Gregory: Rudy Giuliani 2012!

Murphy: that’s pretty ridiculous

Gregory: I’m obsessed with John Huntsman -
he’s so handsome!

Murphy: don’t quit your day job Fluffers

Gregory: I don’t have a day job

Murphy: well whatever you do to draw a paycheck don’t leave

Gregory: and that’s another episode of
Meet The Press

*******************************

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - May 8, 2011

Guests:
Tom Donilon - National Security Advisor
Husain Haqqani - Pakistan Amb. to the U.S.
Martha Raddatz
Jake Tapper
Pierre Thomas
*************************

Amanpour: this week the whole world was transfixed by one story - Kate & Wills got hitched - oh the U.S. also got Osama bin Laden!

Raddatz: Osama bin Laden spent the last 5 years watching Dancing With The Stars and using
Just For Men hair coloring

Amanpour: wow

Raddatz: also they got the largest number of
Netflix videos ever seized from a terrorist

Donilon: Our special forces are highly trained to pick up DVDs after blowing people away

Amanpour: were any imminent threats found on thumb drives?

Donilon: I can’t say - but this is the greatest success against al-qaeda since Bush dressed up like Maverick from Top Gun for Halloween

Amanpour: please defend the many failures
of this mission

Donilon: Obama made the big decision to
take out bin Laden and it fucking worked

Amanpour: Bush thinks he deserves all the credit because he tortured people

Donilon: so why didn’t he take Osama out in 2008

Amanpour: well are you going to start
torturing again

Donilon: I’m sitting through this interview aren’t I?

Amanpour: What about poor misjudged
President Bush

Donilon: after he got bin Laden the first person Obama called was George Bush

Amanpour: to congratulate him?

Donilon: to gloat over that incompetent white fucker!

Amanpour: Did the Pakistan government know where bin Laden was?

Donilon: Well he was found living near the capital and he had a Frequent Shopper card at the
Pakistani West Point Costco

Amanpour: that seems like a problem

Donilon: true but more terrorists have been killed in Pakistan than anywhere else

Amanpour: what a relief

Donilon: it’s a start

Amanpour: would you violate Pakistan’s
sovereignty again?

Donilon: hmm let me think - hell fucking yes

Amanpour: Can we leave Afghanistan now?

Donilon: what’s the rush?

[ break ]

Amanpour: Did the Pakistan government know bin Laden was in Pakistan?

Haqqani: we have many has-beens from the 80’s - Osama bin Laden, Victoria Jackson, Carrot Top

Amanpour: well that all looks bad

Haqqani: did some things fall through the cracks? absolutely - what are you going to do?

Amanpour: how is the internal investigation going

Haqqani: heads will roll - I mean that literally

Amanpour: that sounds serious

Haqqani: Obama said we were very helpful

Amanpour: are you torturing Osama’s wives
and children?

Haqqani: man you Americans are really into torture aren’t you

Amanpour: John Yoo ruined us all

Haqqani: well it’s pretty distasteful

Amanpour: will you let us torture them if you won’t?

Haqqani: cripes you’re insatiable

Amanpour: is it ok if the U.S. violates your sovereignty again?

Haqqani: well it makes the Pakistani leaders
look really bad

Amanpour: the U.S. taxpayer is giving you billions in aid - that gives us the right to send in
Special Forces 6 times a year

Haqqani: we’re checking into that

[ break ]

Amanpour: We got bin Laden - should we be more terrified over the threat of terrorism?

Thomas: yes - a mall near you will probably
be shot up

Raddatz: Obama has authorized more drone strikes over Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Detroit

Tapper: the White House loves those crazy Pakistanis

Amanpour: but they don’t trust them

Tapper: but we need them to let our CIA contractors go when they kill people

Raddatz: right - they’ve been giving us good information that bin Laden was not in their country

Thomas: but the ISI may have been behind the
Mumbai attack

Tapper: I heard that

Thomas: also the Times Square bomber
was Pakistani

Tapper: other than those they’re great friends

Thomas: Bin Laden’s plan was to get Americans turn on each other and accuse fellow citizens of outrageous nonsense

Amanpour: well that worked out well

Raddatz: Bush wasn’t worried because he was in a cave - turns out Osama had a rocking man-cave

Tapper: the most amazing part of this story is that I didn’t know about it

Raddatz: even the FBI director and Saint Petraeus didn’t know about it

Amanpour: damm Obama can keep a secret

Tapper: he kept America in the dark on where he was born for three years

Raddatz: I was surprised Osama had no security

Amanpour: but he had an acre of pot

Tapper: that explains the roomful of cheetos

Thomas: for the young people of America bin Laden has been the great enemy their whole lives - 9/11 was dagger in the heart of America and Obama just pulled it out

Amanpour: thanks everyone for coming
***********************************

Meet The Press with Marco Rubio - May 1, 2011

May 1, 2011
Guests:
Mayor Mike Bloomberg (I-NYC)
Gov. Bob McDonnell (R-VA)
David Axelrod (White House advisor)
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Seth Meyers
**********************************
Gregory: wow NATO killed Qadaffi’s grandson
and the Pope was beautified

Betsy: Beatified

Gregory: whatever

Gregory: the economy is recovering but people are depressed because unemployment is still high

Bloomberg: corporate profits are high because like people they are learning to make more with less

Gregory: you mean less people

Bloomberg: fewer people

Gregory: ok

Bloomberg: also gas and food prices are high

Gregory: true

Bloomberg: the good is you can get some great housing bargains - a NYC apartment with 500
square feet is now a mere $2 million

Gregory: wow what a deal

Bloomberg: there is a crisis of confidence in the morons and idiots in Washington

Gregory: strong words Mike

Bloomberg: America became a superpower with waves of immigration - we need more people!

Gregory: interesting approach

Bloomberg: we need to pass a law letting large numbers of refugees come here

Gregory: wow

Bloomberg: as long as they agree to live in Detroit

Immigrant: oh shit

Gregory: We have to raise taxes on the middle class!!!

Bloomberg: We have to raise taxes and
cut entitlements

Gregory: bad news all around

Bloomberg: politicians have to act like adults and stop pandering to a bunch of voters

Gregory: Governor how would rate Obama’s response to the tornadoes

McDonnell: Obama and his team have been outstanding and very helpful

Gregory: dammit

McDonnell: Sorry Fluffy

Gregory: the big story this week was a split-screen America of Donald Trump vs. The President of the United States

Obama: he’s a carnival barker

Gregory: where was Obama born David?

Axelrod: the problem is not Donald Trump the problem is idiotic television journalists

Gregory: I see

Bloomberg: if the GOP keeps this nonsense up
they are going to fail

McDonnell: Obama has failed to address George Bush’s debt

Gregory: Obama decided to make this a big issue

Axelrod: no the media did stupid

Gregory: that’s mean

Axelrod: we should talk about how the GOP wants to slash Medicare, education and green energy

Gregory: the blacks were offended by Birthers

Axelrod: all Americans were offended Fluffers

Gregory: so you say

Axelrod: we have big problems in this country

Gregory: Trump is a very important and successful businessman

Bloomberg: he’s an icon of bad taste, weird hair and a terrible tv show

Gregory: how wonderful is Trump?

Bloomberg: instead of asking what we should cut we ask what is the minimum government we need

Gregory: interesting

Bloomberg: the money shouldn’t drive our decisions - we should decide what we want first

Axelrod: that’s what Obama is saying - the social compact must guide our decision-making

Gregory: Governor unemployment is high except under your wonderful leadership

McDonnell: we in Virginia made the tough decision to benefit from a massive flow of money from D.C.

Gregory: Awesome

McDonell: the GOP ran up these debts

Axelrod: you took stimulus money

McDonnell: the American people don’t understand why the government runs up a debt since they
never do

Axelrod: righty-o

Gregory: Obama is unpopular because the President
decides gas prices

Bloomberg: the President has to prove he is not a socialist and supports the private sector economy by controlling gas prices

Gregory: I see

Bloomberg: Banks are scared to make loans because they get criticized

Gregory: oh

Bloomberg: we vilified banks for making bad loans but that’s what we want them to do - run risks and if they fail let the free market take out get bailed out

Gregory: can we beat Obama?

McDonnell: Governors are decisive and fiscal conservatives

Axelrod: like George W. Bush

McDonnell: Obama hates Wall Street

Axelrod: LOL the stock market is at a 10-year high asshole

McDonnell: we need to cut spending!

G: It is thought Obama will spend a $1 billion
on his campaign

Axelrod: It is thought you are a moron

Gregory: Will Democrats prove their purity by renouncing spending

Axelrod: that’s stupid we’re not going fight with one hand
tied behind our back

Gregory: But Dems are all bad people!

Axelrod: zip it Fluffy

Gregory: shouldn’t we stay in Iraq forever

Axelrod: no

Gregory: What’s the deal with the Tea Party

Rubio: the Tea Party is great because they want to cut spending on the other hand they are idiots

Gregory: are you a Tea Party Senator?

Rubio: no because the Tea Party are democrats and morons

Gregory: I’m confused - will you compromise on
Tea Party principles

Rubio: I just learned that compromise is actually a great thing

Gregory: but you voted against the budget compromise

Rubio: I was elected to deliver big solutions

Gregory: so how do you actually get something done

Rubio: we should have solutions to things

Gregory: is not raising the debt ceiling irresponsible?

Rubio: pshaw - a mere technical default is not as
bad a future hypothetical default

Gregory: so default now is necessary to prevent default later

Rubio: even the Democrat party wants to cut spending

Gregory: do you like Ryan plan?

Rubio: in 5 years Medicare will go bankrupt

Gregory: oh

Rubio: the Ryan plan is wonderful because it
saves Medicare

Gregory: actually it dismantles Medicare

Rubio: yes but only for young 54 year-old people

Gregory: Why not cut Medicare for older people?

Rubio: Obamacare cut Medicare to conduct
medical experiments

Gregory: you proposed a private voucher system

Rubio: yes but if you have a better idea for ending Medicare then propose it on Monday

Gregory: please bash Obama for me

Rubio: I’m very sad that Obama has failed to
end Medicare

Gregory: how awful for you

Rubio: America cannot win future wars if we don’t cut spending for health care for old people

Gregory: if the GOP comes to you and ask you be
VP will you say yes

Rubio: I love your hypothetical but no

Gregory: tell me how wonderful Donald Trump is

Rubio: Fluffy join me on Planet Earth

Gregory: but Planet Fluffy-Trump is so nice

Rubio: there are people in caves planning on killing people on Orlando

Gregory: what about Libya?

Rubio: we must take out Saddam

Gregory: what?

Rubio: um Qadaffi - whatever

Gregory: how clear

Rubio: he should leave Iraq - Libya you know
what I mean!

Gregory: thanks for coming Marco

[ break ]

Obama: there’s a vicious rumor that Romney passed universal health care

Audience: lol

Obama: now Donald Trump can get to the bottom of Roswell and who killed Biggie and Tupac!

Gregory: Trump vs Obama is good for comedy

Meyers: that is true

Gregory: where do you get your material?

Meyers: the news

Gregory: do you have an agenda

Meyers: be funny - intentionally, unlike you
***********************************

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - May 1, 2011

Guests:
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI)
David Stockman
George Will
Ariana Huffington
Chrystia Freeland
**********************
Amanpour: How’s that war in Libya going

Reporter: well there’s been a lot of killing

Amanpour: Great now let’s go a real battle zone - Wisconsin!

Paul Ryan: Let’s cut taxes for the rich and privatize Medicare!

People: Fuck that shit!

Ryan: the Democrats are trying to scare seniors!

Grassley: yeah it’s not like we’re trying kill grandma!

Ryan: We’re only eliminating Medicare for people under 55!

Audience under-55: uh ok

Ryan: my urgent terrible ideas don’t go into effect
for 10 years

Audience: that burns may potatoes!

Amanpour: Old people would pay an average
of $6,000 more

Audience: yes but the entire system is going
to crash!

Ryan: it’s all unsustainable!

Amanpour: this is going to cost you the election

Ryan: I don’t care

Amanpour: you don’t?

Ryan: in democracy good politicians have to be willing to be widely hated

Boehner: we’re not wedded to the plan we passed through the House of Representatives

Amanpour: the Speaker thinks you’re radioactive

Ryan: yes but I have developed wonk superpowers

Audience: why not tax the rich?!

Ryan: that’s just fairy dust - we have to tax those greedy dying old people

Amanpour: you’re a reverse Robin Hood -
you take from the poor and give to the rich

Ryan: so what?

Amanpour: you don’t feel bad taking away health guarantees for poor old people?

Ryan: we give cash to the poor after we take away their benefits

Amanpour: could you compromise with Obama?

Ryan: I would be willing to serve on a
Death Panel with him

[ break ]

Amanpour: Is cutting Medicare and Medicaid while giving more money to the rich a good idea?

Will: Marco Rubio ran on raising the retirement
age in a state full of old already retired people and he won

Huffington: people care about unemployment and foreclosures

Freeland: No one has the courage to raise taxes on the middle class

Stockman: we are going to have a huge crisis in 2 years and Ryan doesn’t do anything but give massive tax cuts to the rich

Freeland: David could Americans pay more taxes and survive?

Stockman: yes we raised taxes 1% and it worked

Will: everyone hates a consumption tax cause it’s
all taxy and shit

Huffington: All of a sudden Paul Ryan cares about corporate welfare

Amanpour: thanks for coming
*********************************