Sunday, May 08, 2011

This Week with Christiane Amanpour - May 8, 2011

Tom Donilon - National Security Advisor
Husain Haqqani - Pakistan Amb. to the U.S.
Martha Raddatz
Jake Tapper
Pierre Thomas

Amanpour: this week the whole world was transfixed by one story - Kate & Wills got hitched - oh the U.S. also got Osama bin Laden!

Raddatz: Osama bin Laden spent the last 5 years watching Dancing With The Stars and using
Just For Men hair coloring

Amanpour: wow

Raddatz: also they got the largest number of
Netflix videos ever seized from a terrorist

Donilon: Our special forces are highly trained to pick up DVDs after blowing people away

Amanpour: were any imminent threats found on thumb drives?

Donilon: I can’t say - but this is the greatest success against al-qaeda since Bush dressed up like Maverick from Top Gun for Halloween

Amanpour: please defend the many failures
of this mission

Donilon: Obama made the big decision to
take out bin Laden and it fucking worked

Amanpour: Bush thinks he deserves all the credit because he tortured people

Donilon: so why didn’t he take Osama out in 2008

Amanpour: well are you going to start
torturing again

Donilon: I’m sitting through this interview aren’t I?

Amanpour: What about poor misjudged
President Bush

Donilon: after he got bin Laden the first person Obama called was George Bush

Amanpour: to congratulate him?

Donilon: to gloat over that incompetent white fucker!

Amanpour: Did the Pakistan government know where bin Laden was?

Donilon: Well he was found living near the capital and he had a Frequent Shopper card at the
Pakistani West Point Costco

Amanpour: that seems like a problem

Donilon: true but more terrorists have been killed in Pakistan than anywhere else

Amanpour: what a relief

Donilon: it’s a start

Amanpour: would you violate Pakistan’s
sovereignty again?

Donilon: hmm let me think - hell fucking yes

Amanpour: Can we leave Afghanistan now?

Donilon: what’s the rush?

[ break ]

Amanpour: Did the Pakistan government know bin Laden was in Pakistan?

Haqqani: we have many has-beens from the 80’s - Osama bin Laden, Victoria Jackson, Carrot Top

Amanpour: well that all looks bad

Haqqani: did some things fall through the cracks? absolutely - what are you going to do?

Amanpour: how is the internal investigation going

Haqqani: heads will roll - I mean that literally

Amanpour: that sounds serious

Haqqani: Obama said we were very helpful

Amanpour: are you torturing Osama’s wives
and children?

Haqqani: man you Americans are really into torture aren’t you

Amanpour: John Yoo ruined us all

Haqqani: well it’s pretty distasteful

Amanpour: will you let us torture them if you won’t?

Haqqani: cripes you’re insatiable

Amanpour: is it ok if the U.S. violates your sovereignty again?

Haqqani: well it makes the Pakistani leaders
look really bad

Amanpour: the U.S. taxpayer is giving you billions in aid - that gives us the right to send in
Special Forces 6 times a year

Haqqani: we’re checking into that

[ break ]

Amanpour: We got bin Laden - should we be more terrified over the threat of terrorism?

Thomas: yes - a mall near you will probably
be shot up

Raddatz: Obama has authorized more drone strikes over Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Detroit

Tapper: the White House loves those crazy Pakistanis

Amanpour: but they don’t trust them

Tapper: but we need them to let our CIA contractors go when they kill people

Raddatz: right - they’ve been giving us good information that bin Laden was not in their country

Thomas: but the ISI may have been behind the
Mumbai attack

Tapper: I heard that

Thomas: also the Times Square bomber
was Pakistani

Tapper: other than those they’re great friends

Thomas: Bin Laden’s plan was to get Americans turn on each other and accuse fellow citizens of outrageous nonsense

Amanpour: well that worked out well

Raddatz: Bush wasn’t worried because he was in a cave - turns out Osama had a rocking man-cave

Tapper: the most amazing part of this story is that I didn’t know about it

Raddatz: even the FBI director and Saint Petraeus didn’t know about it

Amanpour: damm Obama can keep a secret

Tapper: he kept America in the dark on where he was born for three years

Raddatz: I was surprised Osama had no security

Amanpour: but he had an acre of pot

Tapper: that explains the roomful of cheetos

Thomas: for the young people of America bin Laden has been the great enemy their whole lives - 9/11 was dagger in the heart of America and Obama just pulled it out

Amanpour: thanks everyone for coming

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