Obama Press Conference - April 29, 2009

President Barack Obama Press Conference
April 29, 2009
********************************

Obama: Folks let’s face it I’ve done more in 100 days than Bush did in eight shitty years and now you throw a motherfuckin’ pandemic at me - I cannot fucking believe this shit!!

All right now I’ll take some goddam questions

McLoven: Should we quarantine all sneezing Americans?

Obama: well I will decide that using science and careful deliberation and did I mention science - also i will not be relying on the arabian horse association - unless of course there is an equine flu

McLoven: of course

Obama: should a meteor hit the earth, i will, as your Black President, take care of it

Obama: in addition, i want to mention that i saw all this coming back when i was a 22 year old US Senator

Obama: i will be coordinating with all the governors in the event it becomes necessary for me to round up all gun owners - i mean flu victims

Loven: right

Obama: now look America i am going to talk to you like a stern teacher but let's face it you need it - so if you’re sick stay the fuck home!

Q: is the American auto industry completely fucked?

Obama: i am very hopeful that Chrysler can survive by going bankupt and being bought out by a second-rate italian company

Audience: ciao!

Obama: with GM - who the fuck knows - i have enough to do without redesigning the motherfuckin Aztek
Audience: love the aztek

Tapper: did bush break about 100 different laws by torturing people?

Obama: of course it's torture everyone knows that

Tapper: but it works and 9/11 changed everything

Obama: hey Churchill didn't torture when London was getting the crap bombed out of it every fucking night!

Tapper: aw he was just a weenie brit

Obama: but we have to hold true to our values even when it's really tough - like when a few guys hijack four planes

Tapper: so are you going to arrest Bush?

Obama: maybe

Knoller: but Dick Cheney says it saved lives and you like saving lives don't you????

Obama: but that misses the point which could we have saved those lives by just doing our fucking jobs and we would be safer by not having dick cheney around - and yes i will keep this country safe fuckers!!

Knoller: but torture is good

Obama: Look torture is banned by the Geneva Conventions, the UN Charter, the Nuremberg Tribunal, the Versailles Treaty, the Agreement of Ghent, the Congress of Vienna, the Peace of Westphalia, the Diet of Worms, the Judgment of Paris and the Handshake of Hackensack!

Q: Is torture ever justified?

Obama: maybe to find out something really vital - like what the hell is going on on "Lost"

Helen Thomas: shhhh - no spoilers plz I'm only on season two

Tapper: at your age Helen I wouldn't wait

C-Todd: should we invade Pakistan?

Obama: the government can't deliver health care, the rule of law, decent schools, or basic justice

C-Todd: i didn't ask about Alaska

Obama: right

C-Todd: anyway there are armed militant extremists and want to respect their sovereignty but make sure they're not an armed militant state

C-Todd: are we talking about Texas?

Q: how is Iraq -- still bad?

Obama: spectacular bombings only show the great success we have had

Q: of course

Obama: we have to get the sunnis, shia, kurds, and the sons of Iraq together

Q: ok

Reid: is Specter going to help you establish the Dictatorship you've always dreamed of?

Obama: he's nice old man who got bullied by a bunch of wackos but no i don't trust the old fool

Reid: what's wrong with the GOP?

Obama: i want whoever is left in the GOP to realize that i meant it when i said I will give you some of what you want - but you can't fucking define bipartisanship as getting all you want - especially since you fucking lost!!!

Reid: are they totally fucked

Obama: yes

Ed Henry: since you are the Messiah could you tell me when life begins

Obama: life begins at 40

Henry: what?

Obama: just fucking with you eddie

Henry: fetuses!

Obama: i'm pro choice because i don't think a strange old white man thousands of miles away knows better than a woman what to do with her body

[ Pope Ratzi, at home in Vatican ]

Schwarze!!

[ throws red leather prada slipper at tv ]

Q: what enchants you?

Obama: i like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, and kicking GOP ass

Q: what surprises you?

Obama: even i with all of my foresight did not see just how fucked up George Bush left this county

Q: and what troubles you?

Obama: i'm troubled by the number of Congressmen who frankly belong in a mental institution

Q: how many is it?

Obama: at least 15

Q: R U Enchanted?

Obama: i am enchanted by the cool young dood and dudettes in the armed forces who are just awesome

Q: Humbled?

Obama: humbled by the fact that no matter what i do Fred Hiatt remains a total dick

Obama: i also humble myself because no one could be as awesome as I am

also the people and all that shit

Q: immigration and John McCain

Obama: i am working with John on a piece of legislation right now, The Old Man Yells at Immigrants and Belt-Onion Act of 2009

Q: ah si si

Obama: look we all know what needs to be done we got stop with the fucking raids and crack down on employers

Black Guy: black male unemploymment in NYC is 50 percent!! and that doesn't include the Knicks!!

Obama: whoa

Black guy: yeah i know!

Obama: well same as it ever was dood

Q: yeah i know

Obama: i'm doing what i can you know that

Scherer: states secret doctrine?

Obama: i had 7 fucking days to respond to that and i did what i had to do which is shut it down while i regrouped

Scherer: oh?

Obama: look i want to rewrite the doctrine but you know the federal government has are all kinds of super secrets

Scherer: like what?

Obama: the eleven herbs and spices in KFC

Scherer: oh my

Obama: yeah!

Q: you own several large auto companies can i get a pontiac in lime green?

Obama: look i never asked them to come to me with an umbilical cords - i don't wanna be their momma!

Q: so you're hands off?

Obama: look i'm not an auto engineer - although i have told them to make the damm cupholders bigger

Q: good

Obama: i told them if you want taxpayer money then show me a plan where you can actually sell a goshdarned car - forgive my language

Obama: look all i ever wanted to do was solve a pandemic flu, the Iraq war, the Afghanistan war, terrorism, world peace and the worst economic crisis in 70 years and then kick back in the next three years - but that's not what fucking happened - good night fuckers!!!

*****************************************

The Daily Show with guest Cliff May - April 28, 2009

Stewart: what about torture?

May: i'm anti-torture but that's not important
right now

Stewart: it's not?

May: look no one favors torture, not the CIA,
DOJ, Bush, Cheney, Congress...

Stewart: and yet they tortured their brains out

May: read the memos - they told them specifically not to torture

Stewart: they did?

May: unless they really wanted to

Stewart: so that's torture

May: but only 3 people

Stewart: were tortured

May: and it was only for a few years

Stewart: that people were tortured

May: and only if they were swarthy and hard
scruffy beards

Stewart: have you looked in a mirror?

May: eeeeeeeek!

Stewart: Abu Zabdyah gave information
without torture

May: that's not what George Tenet says

Stewart: that fucking bullshit artist?

May: but we use predator missiles

Stewart: on bound and gagged prisoners?

May: maybe

Stewart: you're fucking insane

May: would write my group a check

Stewart: can i waterboard you first?

May: this is best conversation i've ever had on torture and i was on CNN

Stewart: high praise indeed
************************************************

Meet The Press - April 26, 2009

April 26, 2009
Guests:
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs
King Abdullah II of Jordan
Doris Goodwin
Jon Meachem
*********************************
Gregory: talk swine flu to me gibby

Gibbs: Barack follows it avidly

Gregory: when do we start rounding up americans?

Gibbs: probably next week

Gregory: I don't get Obama - why doesn't he just pronounce guilt or innocence at his podium and dispense with all this justice crap?

Gibbs: hey dancin dave the President doesn't get to decide that

Gregory: whoa whoa whoa - Barack opened the door to prosecuting former Bush officials who are very nice people

Gibbs: dude the door is always open when
you're a crook

Gregory: but shouldn't the door sometimes be closed?

Gibbs: hey Obama thinks prosecutions
shouldn't be politicized

Gregory: so Obama has politicized this by not politicizing it

Gibbs: um what

Gregory: crazy leftist liberal bloggers believe in accountability which is just insane

Gregory: should we just blame Democrats for not stopping Republicans for doing stupid evil things

Gibbs: pretty much sums it up

Gregory: George Tenet says we only tortured bad swarthy guys

Gibbs: has he looked in a mirror?

Gregory: does terrorism work?

Gibbs: Dave you must have misplaced the slide where experts says torture doesn't work and hurts America

Gregory: but Dick Cheney says-

Gibbs: stop right there

[ smacks Gregory ]

ok go on

Gregory: Cheney says there super secret memos that say torture works!

Gibbs: oh ok let's play that - we'll be releasing more memos and believe me dave dick won't like it

Gregrory: no no you misunderstood i only want you to release dick's memos

Gregory: so would Obama have tortured terrorists or thrown them a party

Gibbs: i heard you were an idiot

Gregory: first 100 days?

Gibbs: that’s in the past - we're focused on the next 100 days fucker!

Gregory: wow you really are disciplined

Gibbs: rick santelli yelled about Obama and you offered to read to him

Gibbs: yeah I’m having fun

[ break ]

Gregory: give me your impression of Obama

Abdullah: sorry i don't do impressions - i'm a king

Gregory: right

Abdullah: Obama is awesome of course

Gregory: you hated Stupid didn’t you

Abdullah: not just him - his whole Team of Assholes

Gregory: Bush was great President

Abdullah: no he was a destructive moron

Gregory: talk mideast to me

Abdullah: the core problem is the israeli-palestinian conflict

Gregory: not swarthy terrorists?

Abdullah: not really

Gregory: this idea that al qaeda will go away if
you make peace in the mideast - isn't that just a silly fantasy??

Abdullah: are you talking down to me fluffyhead?

Gregory: are you all happy to have a muslim US President?

Abdullah: yeah it's great

Gregory: what is the image of the US out there in crazyland?

Abdullah: the USA very popular

Gregory: really??

Abdullah: actually yes

Gregory: did american lose its moral bearings

Abdullah: yes in 1620

Gregory: was American torture torture?

Abdullah: um yes

Gregory: does torture work?

Abdullah: if this interview is any indication - then yes

Gregory: have you ever tortured anyone

Abdullah: not as many you have Greggers

Gregory: reports are that Jordan tortured under the CIA's "Wink and Nod Program"

Abdullah: if I answered that i'd have to kill you

Audience: do it do it

Gregory: should America cover up all our crimes?

Abdullah: yes that would make sense after invading Iraq because it tortured people

Gregory: what is Iran's goal?

Abdullah: they want to be the Policemen of the Gulf

Gregory: wow then what

Abdullah: Syria is the Indian Chief, Jordan is the Construction worker, Israel is the Cowboy, Iraq is the Soldier, Lebanon is the Biker and we have Middle East Village People

Gregory: [ hums “macho man”; starts dancing ]

Abdullah: stop that

Gregory: sorry I got carried away

Gregory: Bibi says a messianic cult shouldn't have nukes

Abdullah: i thought Bush left office

Gregory: should we attack Iran?

Abdullah: yeah that wouldn't be stupid at all

Gregory: Vincent Price was on this show in 1969 expressing his fears for middle east peace

Abdullah: and he was right!

Gregory: we need a robust paradigm shift going forward

Abdullah: only an American President can get palestinians and israelis to hate each other in a productive way

Gregory: what about India and Pakistan

Abdullah: oh Obama needs to solve that too

Gregory: you gave the President a set of gold daggers

Abdullah: i'm giving you some with my eyes right now

Gregory: do you have anything else for me?

Abdullah: look dave a solid gold toilet seat

[ heaves it from behind desk ]

Gregory: aw you shouldn't have

Abdullah: i saw it and thought of you

[ break ]

Gregory: what have learned about Obama

Goodwin: that he loves being the motherfuckin' president!

Gregory: he really is leading - it's weird

Meachem: he's running a countercultural Presidency - the Age of Obama is Time of Patience in Danger

Gregory: fascinating

Gregory: but isn't he trying to do much?

Goodwin: no you must seize the carp

Gregory: suddenly people are hopeful it's amazing

Meachem: the american people are mature and sophisticated

Gregory: are you talking about the US??

Goodwin: Obama has changed the mood of the entire nation

Gregory: no real leadership is to stand up to the left wing and tell them the rule of law doesn't matter

Meachem: what we need to do is tell the liberal bloggers to sit down and shut up and find two doddering old conservative white men to fix everything

Gregory: right

Goodwin: Obama doesn't want us talking about torture he want to talk about something important like the nfl draft

Meachem: i disagree - i think that mature thing to do is to look back and make excuses for Bush and compare him to Lincoln and FDR

Goodwin: if i nail Obama i'll have slept with every President since Eisenhower

Gregory: well good luck with that doris

The Chris Matthews Show - April 26, 2009

Matthews: OMG a black has been President for 100 days and people like him!!!

Brooks: holy shit!

Matthews: he's got a huge stimulus, stopped torture, made friends around the world, and closed Gitmo

Regan: it’s amazing but his stimulus is pointing the wrong direction

Brooks: he's done everything!! He might as well quit now!

Brooks: he's proved he's a competent manager which I never expected from a guy who ran such a lousy campaign

Page: i love how he makes people like you look stupid

Kornblut: he can walk and chew gum at the same time which we're not used to seeing in Presidents lately

Matthews: he's bold - he hired Hillary, shot terrorists and attacked Rush

Page: i thought it was a mistake to go after Rush and clearly I was wrong

Tweety: Hillary is his bad cop

Brooks: People with really big brains have taken over Washington

Tweety: wow!

Brooks: he's engaging in intellectual combat

Matthews: Obama is going to battleground states - it's like he can't be stopped!

Regan: People like Michelle because she's smart but not threatening

Kornblut: She was scary because she was black but she isn't anymore

Brooks: it's inevitable that there will be huge catastrophes because he's trying more than any human being can possibly do

Matthews: OMG Obama has raised the debt, taken over the car industry, and invaded Afghanistan!

Kornblut: Team Obama is very worried that something terrible hasn't happened yet

Tweety: how can we pay a 13 trillion dollar debt???

Regan: we can't!

Tweety: i'm worried about Pakistan!

Page: i'll take a khyber pass on that question

Brooks: we have to save the village in order to destroy it

Matthews: Obama has screwed up with reaching out to lunatics like Hugo Chavez and Judd Gregg

Brooks: so sad - he's so polarizing

Regan: he should have stopped the bonuses and not given money to AIG

Matthews: why did Obama do that?

Regan: technically it was actually Bush but that's not a good excuse

Matthews: exactly - ok tell me something I don’t know

Regan: the government can't get the banks to take free money

Page: Rep. Payne was shot at in Mogadishu and that made him optimistic about the future of that country

Kornblut: Palin is running in 2012

Brooks: Obama has taken on more than he can handle it's all too much

Matthews: like the economy and terrorism and 2 wars ?

Brooks: no i mean prosecuting all the crimes of the Bush administration

Matthews: Bush never made a grand call to duty like my hero JFK did and for 8 years no one asked us to do anything!

Page: some people asked you to stop acting like a jackass

Matthews: ha! no i'm serious

Page: so am i

Matthews: Obama is calling us to greatness and its awesome

Meet the Press - April 19, 2009

Guest: Larry Summers

Gregory: so Larry are we lifting the Cuba embargo or what?

Summers: of course we are but first Obama has to let people get used to the idea which is inevitable

Gregory: but Castro is a commie!

Summers: yeah well so are China and Hanoi and Cambridge Massachusetts and we trade with them

Gregory: Obama shook hands with Chavez - is that appropriate since he is dark and swarthy?

Summers: look Obama is popular and other world leaders beg to be seen with him -- did you that dipshit Berlusconi camera hogging with Barack?

Gregory: Wall street vs. Main Steet!

Summers: look the important thing is that we give trillions in free money to three banks so they can start lending to the peons in the rest of America

Gregory: i agree

Summers: Obama is going to shatter Too Big to Fail and create many Too Little to Fails

Gregory: well look dood we've given away billions so where are the results??

Summers: blah blah blah positive indicators blah blah engine blah blah long way to go blah blah

Gregory: Noted ray of sunshine Paul Krugman says we're headed to a depression, fascism and a world war

Summers: he's right

Gregory: oh dear

Summers: we call a Depression an "adverse outcome"

Gregory: that's better

Summers: look Paul wants us to spend twice as much - well I invite him to get off the cover of Newsweek and get the Congress to approve it

Gregory: ok

Summers: Greggers we're using terms like "proactive" and "going forward" - what else can we do?

Gregory: sounds like you've covered all the bases

Gregory: we're down to out last $100 billion but I hear the banks need that much just for caviar!

Summers: ah well in that case they should seek new lenders or maybe cut back on fancy lunches

Gregory: well then banks don't want the free money if you're going to get crazy

Summers: oh no no no - they need to take our money or they might starve

Gregory: Obama has raised the deficit!!

Summers: Pheh

Gregory: Obama isn't really saving money because Bush was going to pull out of Iraq!!

Summers: sure he was - but he was going to invade Argentina in 2011

Gregory: really?

Summers: yes it's in Bush's memior: "My Years in the White House and my Plan to Invade Argentina"

Gregory: interesting

Gregory: Obama wants a universal health care plan that will cost a trillion dollars - where will all that money come from?

Summers: dood health isn't free now!

Gregory: sure it is

Summers: dear god i heard you were a moron

Gregory: Doc Summers the Teabaggers say even though you cut taxes someday you will have to raise taxes which will be bad

Summers: i'm not scared of the teabagging dick armey

Gregory: but you're raising taxes

Summers: no we're cutting taxes

Gregory: but a lot of Americans will see their taxes go up!!

Summers: no only people who make $250,000 a year

Gregory: but that's everyone I know!

Gregory: will Obama pledge never to raise taxes ever ever

Summers: shut the fuck up dancin' dave

Gregory: you used to be a debt hawk

Summers: well that was before

Gregory: oh i see

Summers: we need Americans to be leaner

Gregory: are you serious?

Summers: yup

Gregory: you want to free up credit - but it was irresponsible Americans that got us in trouble in the first place!

Summers: true it's a paradox - we need people to borrow for things like college instead of McMansions

Gregory: exciting

Summers: but first go out and spend!!!

[ break ]

Gregory: dick what the fuck is with the ridiculous teabagging parties

Armey: quite frankly Obama cut taxes but frankly I just discovered that since 1980 raising spending and cutting taxes is bad!!

Ford: fuck you

Armey: but it's inevitable that if you increase spending and debt you have to raise taxes!

Ford: what happened to supply-side economics?

Armey: never heard of it

Pearlstein: i just remembered since 1980 we have to live within our means

Gregory: do we really have to pay taxes or should we just use magic beans??

Easton: the non-existent tax increases are a real animating force for the GOP

Gregory: wow

Armey: we should raise taxes on the poor!!

Ford: um what the fuck dood?

Armey: i came on the defend the rich!

Ford: now we see the hypocrisy inherent in the system!

Stengel: Obama wants to bring America back to an era of thrift

Gregory: but where is the money going to come from??

Pearlstein: some of what Obama is proposing in investment

Armey: the government is just too big - I hate government

Gregory: which part

Armey: well look at the failure of Republican administrations - doesn't that prove government can't work??

Ford: you should donate your brain to the Center for Crazy-Ass studies

Gregory: Time magazine says the Person of the Year is” The Cheapskate”

Stengel: the top 10% of Americans of doing a Re-Set and not buying bottled water from Iceland

Gregory: it's the new frugality!!

Easton: everyone just realized that Reagan, Bush and Bush we're all total fucktards

Dave: oh well America had a good run there

Easton: the key to recovery is to hand free billions to banks - the Left is mad about that

Gregory: well the teabaggers say that too

Easton: no Dave, they're stone cold racists

Pearlstein: look rich white men will always steal the money - get over it!

Stengel: i love unemployed people they're so cuddly and good for a cover story

Ford: bobby jindal put it best - Obama is a secret Vulcan

Gregory: let's talk torture - will telling the truth weaken America?

Armey: oh sure - why smack Bush around?

Gregory: well it's legal now!

Stengel: Nelson Mandela would ignore all this

Ford: the past is the past - let's not argue about how used insects on who

Gregory: interesting

Easton: i expect we will get a DeSantis letter from a CIA officer saying "Dear Obama I quit!"

Armey: this was a political act to make Bush look bad - not that torture is bad - but if it were then Obama is bad for revealing it even thought it's not bad

Gregory: right

The Chris Matthews Show - April 19, 2009

Matthews: OMG Obama says things are starting to turn around - is he a hypocrite!?!?

Ignatius: he's not Churchill therefore he sucks

Tweety: ha we're not fair I love it!!

Ignatius: today I am an expert on economics

Tweety: ha!

Cooper: everything in the world is Obama's fault

Matthews: Is Obama trying to trick people into spending?

Cooper: he's a Jedi after all

Kay: confidence is the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems

Tweety: i thought that alcohol

Kay: speak for yourself

Sully: i am very worried that the banks won't get more free money just because they are posting profits

Ignatius: it's terrible that Jamie Dimon won't take free billions - we must beg him to

Cooper: Obama has done a terrible job explaining to the American people why Citigroup needs their free billions

Sully: also the fact they’re evil doesn't help

Kay: they don't want government restrictions - they just want the free money

Tweety: perfectly understandable

Kay: Obama will be attacked if things haven't turned around in six weeks

Sully: that's stupid

Kay: he must ask for more trillions to rescue Wall street

Ignatius: yes he must do it and tender his resignation at the same time

Matthews: OMG Obama is just like Harold Hill in the Music Man!!

Kay: you're crazy

Mattews: ha!

Matthews: OMG let's a watch a movie about waterboarding!!!

[ shows clip of Kevin Costner with gills drinking his own urine ]

Matthews: OMG it’s worse than I thought!!

Ignatius: Oh c'mon it's completely understandable that six months after 9/11 you would put a bug up a guys ass

Matthews: yeah but without his consent??

Ignatius: the CIA is sick of people demonizing them just because they systematically crush people's testicles

Kay: some people might say the USA applies a double standard and maybe the US is not better than everyone else

Tweety: manacling naked people is pretty standard behavior isn't it?

Sully: we now know that Bush personally approved grotesque torture

Tweety: but he's still not a bad as Hitler!!

Matthews: why did Obama let these memos out - besides the obvious entertainment value??

Cooper: it's easy to forget how scared we were after 9/11

Sully: it was 2005!!

Cooper: pheh

Kay: we prosecuted people in Nuremberg before Nuremberg existed as a precedent!

Sully: what about Bush or Cheney! They're evil!!

Ignatius: I think we should address by speaking in a gravelly white man voice and eating cocktail weenies

Sully: Cheney says he approved waterboarding which is a war crime!!

Matthews: that's not what he says!

Sully: that's because he's a fucking vampire!!!

Kay: Obama is going to challenge Krugman to a duel - waterpistols at dawn

Cooper: Afghanistan is going to tulip-based economy

Matthews: ha!

Sully: the first to fall in torture-gate will be doctors since their brethren unlike political types take a dim view of hurting people

Matthews: they should meet my dentist!

Sully: you experience pain at the dentist?

Matthews: no at the local S/M club - but they should meet him!!

Matthews: what grade does Obama get?

Kay: B+

Ignatius: Grrrrr

Cooper: He said "okay"

Sully: Pass out of pass fail

Matthews: Epic Pass - ha!!!
***********************

Meet The Press - April 5, 2009

Meet the Press
April 5, 2009
Guest: Fritz Henderson, CEO of General Motors
**************************

Gregory: OMG President Obama says GM totally sucks!!

Henderson: in our defense we could thrive if we had billions in free money

Gregory: you've been at GM for 25 years - what's your fucking problem?

Henderson: hey it's a bit of a learning curve

Gregory: GM has lost tens of billions - was Wagoner incompetent?

Henderson: maybe but he was a hell of a nice white guy

Gregory: what went wrong with GM?

Henderson: we need to forget our mistakes and
begin moving forward being robust

Gregory: is there double-standard between
you and the banks

Henderson: of course there is but what are you going to do?

Gregory: but Bob Corker said the Pandora's
Box of fascism has been opened!

Henderson: it was very difficult for us to go on welfare

Gregory: look the reality is Obama is a fascist - now say it!!!

Henderson: Obama told me not to

Gregory: GM sucks - but you've been there 25 years!!

Henderson: look i've run every aspect of the company so only i can fix it

Gregory: really??

Henderson: fuck if I know

Gregory: why not just declare bankruptcy?

Henderson: oh that's no fun

Gregory: you shrewdly put older executives on medicare - surely you must do the same for unions??

Henderson: maybe

Gregory: oh c'mon just say it!

Henderson: all right you forced me

Gregory: how can you and I work together to
destroy the unions?

Henderson: see me in the green room

Gregory: people think GM cars totally suck

Henderson: that's true

Gregory: so what you are you going to do?

Henderson: there's no magic - we just sell cars
one at a time

Gregory: that's kind of stupid

Henderson: hey Dave - want to buy a car?

Gregory: no - now why don't you work for a dollar a year?

Henderson: why don't you?

Gregory: [spit take ] jesus are you serious!

Henderson: I make a million a year

Gregory: crap I could never live on so little

Henderson: i'm clipping coupons

Gregory: how do you win consumers back?

Henderson: two words: big fins

Gregory: you are the worst spokesman ever

Henderson: yeah i know

Gregory: you're like the lead guy at a Boring Man Festival

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG North Korea fired a nuclear rocket at Japan!!

Obama: North Korea broke the rules!!

Kay: like the rules in Hiroshima?

Dave: good one katty

Gregory: China says remain calm and would you like MSG

Kay: North Korea demands attention - they're telling
the world they're not going to be ignored!!

Gregory: wow

Kay: President Hu will be involved

Dave: who?

Kay: Hu

Dave: who?

Kay: what?

Dave: Watt?

Gregory: Is Obama like the Superman in Superman IV - is he going to ride the world of all nuclear weapons?

Harwood: right he's both good and evil

Gregory: Bibi says the messianic crazy people should not have nukes

Kay: well Bush is out of office

Harwood: we have to decide who's scarier - North Korea or Iran

Gregory: How do we handle a girl named Israel?

Gerson: Weaponization is easy - comedy is hard

Dave: I do it week after week

Gregory: Obama has a weird approach to foreigners
- he listens to them instead of killing them

Gerson: fuck him

Rogers: it's almost as if after Reagan, Bush I,
Clinton and Bush II we decided to elect a man without dementia or psycho-sexual hangups

Gregory: interesting

Rogers: he's pushing his stimulus and his big package

Obama: America is dismissive, derisive, and arrogant - but the French are just assholes

Europe: zat ees true

Kay: Obama could elected Premier of Europe if wanted

Gregory: and Africa and Asia too

Kay: Obama failed utterly to get more than 5,000 more troops

Gerson: i was impressed by the Obamas' grace
but he failed to push those snooty Euro-trash bastards around

Gregory: hey you worked for Bush!

Gerson: yeah well it's easy to be popular when you aren't an asshole

Harwood: he's making first downs and slow and steady progress with no fumbles

Gregory: he's going to talk turkey to the
middle east next in Istanbul

Kay: indeed

Gregory: it's a paradox - i want to bash Obama
but he went after al qaeda

Ramo: the lesson of the Bush administation is
that you can't beat terrorists by bombing them

Gregory: so we wasted the last 8 years?

Gerson: that's true - but let me invoke Saint Petraeus to salvage Stupid's reputation - it was really Bush who tried diplomacy

Ramo: umm dude that is total bullshit

Kay: Obama's cheating by having good ideas on terrorism

Gregory: it's quite fascinating

Rogers: he's like robot or a genetically enhanced human

Gerson: oh sure invoke reality - i hate all you people

Gregory: good point mikey

Gregory: Obama has failed to achieve world peace and prosperity

Harwood: actually the Dow is up Dancin' Dave

Gregory: but, but, but, they only spent a
trillion dollars - isn't Obama a failure?

Rogers: criminy David the nations have already
spent money from their own stimulus bills now!

Gregory: but, but, but, don't other nations
totally suck because we suck?

Rogers: the American people have too many credit cards

Gerson: i totally agree - but this week was a
real win for the new international Superstar, Gordon Brown

Kay: jesus you are a shit head

Gregory: will China now control the world currency?

Ramo: i live in China and I can tell you that
Tim Geithner met with our loan officer in China and they offered us good terms

Gregory: nice

Ramo: Chinese blogs say they need to unscrew the U.S. economy

Gregory: oh noe!

Gregory: we've lost 5 million jobs!

Rogers: yes but the good news is that the numbers
are worse than ever before

Gregory: thank god

Rogers: also the good news is that actually 15 million are unemployed

Gregory: ok

Rogers: now Obama must win over conservatives Republicans

Gregory: I noticed Obama has failed on this

Gerson: [ high pitched voice, wild hand gestures ]
indeed this was a failed week for Obama !!!

Kay: you're like a less masculine mitt romney

Gregory: let me quote yes another conservative David Brooks

Harwood: Bobo and Gerson are all right - firing
Rick Wagoner was so risky now that Obama owns this problem

Gregory: we live in an era where people hate high CEO salaries

Ramo: yes - if by 'era' you mean 'one week'

Gregory: let me ask Michael Gerson about Bob Corker

Gerson: jesus Dave even I think you're in the tank
for the GOP - Obama had to take on big business

Gregory: will no one bash Obama but me??

Rogers: Obama is doing the right thing

Kay: sorry dancin' dave i think Obama is right here

Gregory: [ weeps openly ]

Gregory: today we celebrate two rites of spring -
the cherry blossom festival and Karl Rove and I will
interpret Stravinsky's Le Sacre du Printemps on the White House Oval - don't miss it!!

The Chris Matthews Show - April 5, 2009

Noron: people hate american arrgoance

Tweety: he wacked GM - should he take on Geithner?

Noron: [ hysterical laughter ]

Kornbluth: no he can't all the good heads are already off and on pikes

Rather: no he must lop the head off of Citigroup to be fair - he got the guys who shower after work and now must get the guys who don't shower at all

Tweety: hey!

Tweety: wow I can't wait til Michelle Obama goes to Nairobi!

Rather: but Barack is the one from Kenya

Tweety: ha!

Heilman: Obama failed this week but he looks like he's succeeding

Noron: he's cheating by being popular

Rather: do not underestimate his Jedi powers

Tweety: i love michelle and her biceps

Rather: she's very earthy - i want to be a fly on the wall when she runs a primary against him in 2012

Kornbluth: i don't care what Obama does if my 401k goes up

Tweety: OMG Michael Moore was right all along!!!

Tweety: OMG Obama took over the US auto industry and motown - where's my flying car and wall of sound?!?!

Heileman: Obama will be responsible for destroying the midwest

Tweety: he has very big stick

Rather: Obama broke the auto industry - it was doing fine until he came along

Noron: Obama is the most powerful businessman in America - which is crazy!!

Tweety: i am not going to pay a lot for this muffler!!

Kornbluth: those crazy polls show people blame the auto executives

Tweety: that's nuts

Noron: i think Obama just may ignore our pundit advice and not accept responsibility for our cars

Rather: Obama single-handedly ruined the US auto industry

Kornbluth: no that's wrong - he also ruined the US economy

Heileman: Obama will be judged by how GM emerges out of bankruptcy

Tweety: wow

Heileman: I agree with the conservatives - it's deeply weird and Eurotrashy for the President to order welfare recipients around

Tweety: they literally drive cadillacs!

Noron: the presidential poochie is coming!

Tweety: what kind of doggie??

Noron: no mutt a real american dog like a french poodle

Rather: The Taliban is building a Superhighway in Afghanistan

Kornbluth: Hillary was spotted in Europe this week

Tweety: that's weird a professional relationship between men and women is very European

Heileman: Timmy is doing better on tv thanks to voice coaches which as we know is all that matters

Tweety: ha he once stood on my chest!

Heileman: no more Wimbledon teleprompting!

Tweety: it's 40 - Love!