This Week with George Stephanopoulos - April 21, 2013

Guests:

Pierre Thomas

Dan Abrams

Brad Garrett

Richard Clarke

Mayor Thomas Menino

*********************************

Stephanopoulos: wow the terror suspect

is alive but in serious condition

Thomas: he won't be read Miranda rights

Stephanopoulos: thank god

Thomas: they may have stockpiled bombs -

they were very disciplined!

Stephanopoulos: except they had

to rob a 7-11 to get money

Thomas: diabolically clever

Stephanopoulos: what about Miranda?

Abarams: the Supreme Court has ruled

for years that there is a limited public safety

exception for imminent threats

Stephanopoulos: would that threat still

apply after two days?

Abrams: maybe - we shall see

Stephanopoulos: Lindsay Graham wants

to try him as an enemy combatant

Abrams: that's ridiculous – unless 

you want him acquitted

Stephanopoulos: is there a sleeper 

cell in New Bedford?

Garrett : yes but the were only hunting 

the white whale

Stephanopoulos: Russia tipped the U.S.

off about the older brother

Garrett: yes but lots of people

visit radical websites like YouTube

Stephanopoulos: Peter King says the

FBI let Tamerlan slip through their fingers

Garrett: well he's an idiot

Clarke: if he was such a threat why did

the Russians let him spend 7 months

there and then send him back to America?

Stephanopoulos: home-grown 

terrorists are very scary

Clarke: these two idiots may well 

inspire other dumbasses

Abrams: he's not an enemy combatant!

Stephanopoulos: given how many people we

kill all over the world we have had very

few acts of terrorism in the last 10 years

Clarke: given how vulnerable we 

are I don't understand why we don't 

have one terror act per week

Stephanopoulos: Richard you predicted many

terror attacks in 2005 and you were wrong

Clarke: I can't explain how I 

could be wrong – except these young 

men were evil geniuses who forgot 

fix their car or go to the ATM

Garrett: catching stupid terrorist is hard

Stephanopoulos: the younger brother

kept going to classes and parties after the bombing

Garrett: see how clever they were!

Clarke: they were so smart and evil they

lobbed bombs from a moving car they

carjacked because they left their car in the auto shop

Stephanopoulos: I'm sold

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Mayor what's going on in Boston

Menino: it's pahrty time George

Stephanopoulos: did these brothers act alone?

Menino: it ssure seems lahk it

Stephanopoulos: would you like to see

him face the death penalty?

Menino: that wicked pissah held the

whole city hahstage

Stephanopoulos: was the lock down 

an overreaction?

Menino: no because there were 

bahmbs everywheah

Stephanopoulos: have you seen pictures

of the suspects celebrating the bombing?

Menino: all the lah enfahcement 

worked tahgethah!

Stephanopoulos: how were they caught

Menino: the Bahston PD is wicked ahsome

Stephanopoulos: were they planning 

other attacks?

Menino: these lahsers are lahsers!

Stephanopoulos: but would they do other attacks?

Menino: who knows – they're pissahas!

Stephanopoulos: right but-

Menino: everyone worked togethah –

from President Obamah to thah citizens

Stephanopoulos: their friends says 

they were normal – how were they radicalized?

Menino: the younger one was brainwhashed

Stephanopoulos: what about security?

Menino: we had a lhat cahmeras and

we need to check trahsh cahns

Stephanopoulos: you son is a hero as well

Menino: he whas jahst doin his jahb

Stephanopoulos: you did a good job too

Menino: thahnks gahge

Meet The Press – April 14, 2013

Guests:

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)

Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT)
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand(D-NY)

Katty Kay

David Brooks

Rachel Robinson

Ken Burns

Harrison Ford

Gregory: welcome Senator Rubio

Rubio: Hi David

Gregory: sorry I sound like Peter Brady

Rubio: I just thought you were choked up

with emotion at meeting the next President

Gregory: so what's the deal with immigration reform?

Rubio: we let undocumented people stay

but it makes so darn hard it doesn't

encourage more illegal immigration

Gregory: nice

Rubio: the status quo only helps human traffickers

Gregory: Ted Cruz is worried about the hurt

feelings of foreigners who are waiting in line

Rubio: don't worry – this bill is 

very punitive and cruel!

Gregory: that's a relief

Rubio: wait till you see this bill –

it's really mean!

Gregory: you flip-flopped on amnesty

Rubio: this bill doesn't grant amnesty – 

it just lets people who came illegally stay here

Gregory: that's not amnesty?

Rubio: no because you have to pay a fee

Gregory: but you you used to demand 

people leave the country and now 

you've changed your mind

Rubio: well we lost the 2012 elections Fluffy!

Gregory: speaking of that – will this bill

be enough to win back Latinos?

Rubio: I hope so – otherwise we're screwed

Gregory: Colin Powell says the GOP 

has a dark vein of intolerance

Rubio: that's not true – but let's say it is –

I'm doing my best by taking the lead

on immigration reform Fluffy!

Gregory: fair enough

Rubio: we are the party of the poor and

downtrodden - we are not the party of the

rich and and successful and well off

Gregory: [ spit take]

Rubio: sorry about that fluffy

Gregory: the GOP is unpopular with Hispanics

Rubio: that's not fair – we're 

unpopular with everyone

Gregory: good point

Rubio: big businesses and poor latinos

all agree – we need immigration reform

Gregory: will this bill be amended to death?

Rubio: that's a lazy question Fluffers

Gregory: I have a severe cold

Rubio: drink fluids – believe me

Gregory: the Newtown families took over Capitol Hill

Rubio: I know – they're everywhere!

Gregory: then how can you oppose  

a debate on guns?

Rubio: I love these families but criminals

don't care about laws and the Second 

Amendment is sacred

Gregory: how does closing background

check loopholes infringe on anyone's rights?

Rubio: criminals won't undergo background checks

Gregory: okay

Rubio: forget the guns – we need to ask 

why Americans are so violent

Gregory: righty-o

Rubio: we have a society with a lot of gun violence

and we need to find out why humans are violent

Gregory: what about North Korea?

Rubio: I oppose North Korea

Gregory: nice

Rubio: we should tell them no more aid

until they agree to keep Dennis Rodman

Gregory: Jay-Z and Beyonce went to Cuba

which you say proves Obama is a communist

Rubio: Jay-Z is a hypocrite because 

Che Guevara was a racist

Gregory: Betsy am I hallucinating this conversation?

Rubio: the fundamental problem is that

Americans should not be free to leave 

the USA without my permission because 

we love freedom

Gregory: what about immigration reform?

Rubio: didn't we talk about this already?

Gregory: my fever is spiking

Rubio: okay fluffy - look the 11 million

people are here already and we tried arguing

for self-deportation and it didn't go over so well

Gregory: that's true

Rubio: so my message to Republicans is

wake up and get with the program before we

become a third party ranting about rappers

touring the Caribbean like a bunch of idiots

Gregory: thanks for coming Marco

Gregory: what about immigration reform?

Lee: I am in favor of immigration reform

as soon the entire U.S. border is sealed

Gregory: is citizenship a deal-breaker for you?

Lee: sadly yes – I don't want to share America

Gregory: how can you get conservatives

to support reform?

Gillibrand: tell them more immigrants will

allow them to lower the taxes on the rich

Lee: whoa really?

Gregory: despite Newtown there is

going to almost no gun control

Gillibrand: not true – we may get background

checks and mental health funding

Gregory: can the Senate vote for 

background checks?

Lee: no because people really need guns

in case they need to kill someone

Gregory: I hear you

Gillibrand: in New York 85% of guns used

in crimes are bought out of state –

we need to crack down on straw purchasers

Lee: see that sounds like fascism to me

Greg: Kristen you used to love guns 

– what happened?

Gillibrand: I still love guns – 

but not criminals with guns

Greg: the NRA disagrees Kirstie

Gillibrand: who the hell cares – 

children are being slaughtered!

Brooks: Marco Rubio is a hero

Gregory: that is so true

Brooks: he is courageous and also a very sexy man

Todd: how do you secure the border 100%?

Lee: put up a big fence and modernize 

the visa system

Todd: I see

Lee: so let's do that first –

then we can deport 11 million people

Kay: if the GOP wants to keep losing elections

they should oppose immigration reform

Gillibrand: sweet jesus Obama has already

deported millions of people

Lee: we must not play politics with laws

Gregory: my fever must be getting worse

because it sounded like you said we must

not play politics with laws

Lee: let's build a 50 foot cement wall around America

– at least that will prevent Jay-Z from 

leaving the country

Gregory: Betsy the auditory 

hallucinatings are getting worse

Betsy: hang in there David

Gregory: Republicans have demanded cuts

to Social Security and then Obama proposed

cuts to Social Security and Republicans

attacked him for going after old people

Brooks: ha ha yes that was pretty shameful

Gregory: oh good I didn't imagine that

Gillibrand: I don't agree with the Social 

Security cuts – it's not a driver of the debt!

Todd: the GOP desperately wanted Obama

to put Chained CPI out there but then when

they attacked him for doing it they gave a free

Walk Away From the Talks Card

Gregory: Jackie Robinson was awesome

Robinson: yes he was

Gregory: what is the relevance of Jackie Robinson?

Robinson: because so much has changed

and we still have more to do

Burns: Jackie Robinson was the most important

event in civil rights since the Civil War

Gregory: wow

Burns: it's a biblical story of human forbearance

Gregory: so amazing

Burns: how can you play great baseball

when there are threats against your life?

Gregory: Martin Luther King admired your husband

Robinson: he was a pioneer against racism

Gregory: was he an impatient activist

or patient endurer of racial slights

Robinson: he was passionate about rights

but knew he had to be dignified to pave the way

Gregory: why did Branch Rickey integrate his team?

Ford: he was religious and also all the

best players were in the Negro leagues

Gregory: why did he choose Jackie Robinson –

after all he had a fiery temper

Burns: Jackie was smart and driven

Gregory: did you like the movie?

Robinson: I love it – it's authentic and inspiring

Gregory: you guys loved each other in a tough time

Robinson: we were committed to each

other no matter what the haters said

Gregory: Ken you are making your own

movie about Jackie Robinson

Burns: yes but my movie will have hotter women

Gregory: oh good

Burns: he was always agitating for more progress

Gregory: impressive

Burns: we still have more to do – 

look at the Central Park Five

- coming soon to a tv near you

Gregory: shameless plug!

Burns: Tuesday on PBS

Gregory: and that's another 

episode of Meet The Press

*************************

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - April 14, 2013

Host: Jonathan Karl

Guests:

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

Karl: wow could we have an immigration bill?

Rubio: yes - possibly this week!

Karl: wow - is this a just gift to illegal people?

Rubio: no it's very punitive – after 10 years

all you get is the chance to apply for a green card

Karl: but other Republicans say this rewards

criminals for their dastardly crimes

Rubio: not true – rest assured it's very mean

and tough and also we will secure the border

Karl: but first we let all the illegals

stay which is bad

Rubio: well they're already here and it's

kind of hard to deport 10 million people

Karl: but they're all criminals!

Rubio: well blame the policies that were

put in place when I was in 9^th grade

Karl: aren't you just trying to rescue the

Republican party from demographic death?

Rubio: the Republican party has always 

been about one thing

Karl: what's that?

Rubio: USA! USA!

Karl: you used to support background checks

Rubio: we have background checks now

Karl: no we don't

Rubio: well anyway we shouldn't have

background checks because the current

system doesn't work

Karl: that doesn't make any sense

Rubio: criminals don't care about the law -

that's why they're crooks

Karl: ok so we should have no laws ever

Rubio: I like it

Karl: it's a plan

Rubio: the problem is violence and

we need to discuss violence

Karl: you say Jay-Z should not have

the freedom to visit other countries

Rubio: Che Guevara was a racist!

Karl: got it

Rubio: hip hop artists are being repressed in Cuba

Karl: sounds bad

Rubio: tourist trips help tyrannical regimes!

Karl: thanks for coming Marco

[ break ]

Karl: Jeff you don't like this proposal

to let illegal immigrants stay

Sessions: we cannot give all these Mexicans amnesty

Karl: oh my

Sessions: it will drive down wages on poor people

Karl: jeepers

Sessions: I greatly worry about 

poor African-Americans

Karl: clearly

Schumer: everyone's on board –

the farmers and the workers and

the pod people

Karl: liberals say you are giving up too much

- like waiting 10 years before you get a green card

Schumer: well it's better than the current

system where illegals take jobs away

from hard-working Americans

Sessions: top economists say immigration

will hurt poor Americans

Schumer: earth to Jeff Sessions: 

we have illegal immigration now

Sessions: we're going to bring in a massive supply of immigrants!

Schumer: they're here now you dumbass

Karl: Chuck you're not getting an assault weapons ban are you?

Schumer: probably not - but at least 

we'll get background checks

Karl: you also failed to get all Democrats

on board because to some of them believe guns

are a totally awesome way of life

Schumer: that's true but we may get some Republicans

Sessions: illegal immigrants scare me!

Karl: we're talking about guns now Jeffrey

Session: Obama isn't enforcing illegal

immigrant crimes! He isn't enforcing gun crimes!

Karl: Chuck Anthony Weiner was your protege

– should he run for Mayor?

Schumer: no comment!

Karl: oh come on really Chuck

Schumer: no comment!

Karl: what a weasel

************************************

Meet The Press – April 7, 2013

Guests:

Sen. Lindsay Graham

Michele Flournoy – Fmr. Under Sec. Of Defense

Bill Richardson

Andrea Mitchell

Maggie Haberman

Jim Cramer

*******************************

Gregory: OMG we might go to war with North Korea

Audience: oh shit

Gregory: Senator are we going about to have

a war with North Korea and will it be one of

the fun ones or one of the fuck-ups?

Graham: Obama is doing the right thing by

playing it cool but carrying a really big stick

Gregory: we have 28,000 troops in Korea

not including wacky prank-pulling doctors

Graham: let me tell ya Fluffy -

politicians in South Korea are tired

of being jerked around

Gregory: what happens if there is a war?

Graham: we will kick some commie ass!

Gregory: I like it

Graham: Kim Jong-Un has overplayed

his crazy hand on this one

Gregory: you're getting all worked up Lindsay

Graham: The Chinese are propping up this

crazy regime because they don't want

a unified Korea – darn right I'm miffed

Gregory: you used to suppoprt arming

the resistance in Syria – do you still feel that way?

Graham: before we arm the rebels I want

to them to promise never to use chemical

weapons or become terrorists in 10 years

Gregory: a sound plan indeed

Graham: we could lose the King of Jordan!

Gregory: like we already lost the King of Prussia

Graham: you have grasped my point keenly David

[ break ]

Gregory: panel what is going on in Korea?

Richardson: Kim is testing the new 

South Korean President like they do 

every time there is a new President

Gregory: who doesn't love standardized tests

Richardson: the World Bank should threaten

to withhold shipments of grain and NBA players

Flournoy: when you fly B-2s everything

looks like something you should bomb

Richardson: we have thousands McDonald's

and KFC's at risk there

Gregory: If they attack the Taco Bell in

Seoul I will demand war

Mitchell: next week John Kerry and I will

ask China to put pressure on North Korea

Gregory: oh my

Mitchell: 35 million people live a mile

away from this crazy person

Gregory: which is more dangerous –

Iran or North Korea?

Graham: South Korea is mad as hell

and they are not going to take it anymore

Flournoy: have you ever see B-2 in flight

– it's a beautiful sight

Mitchell: Kim never keeps his promises

– it's so irritating

Richardson: North Korea might export

nuclear materials to Iran – now that's 

some scary shit

Gregory: Linds were you pleased that

Obama offered chained CPI

Graham: yes – we are finally close 

to a grand bargain!

Gregory: those two words send a thrill up in me

Graham: the President is showing a little leg here

Gregory: I'm getting all tingly

Graham: if Obama offered chain CPI wemay agree

to cut taxes for the rich and raise them for the poor

Gregory: I'm squeeing!

Graham: I will surrender and accept a flatter tax code

Gregory: so you are offering higher taxes?

Graham: yes by cutting taxes – otherwise we 

will become Greece but with more ruined cities

Gregory: what about immigration?

Graham: Mitt Romney was a nice guy but a moron

Gregory: we all know that

Graham: if we let 11 million people stay

in the country Democrats have to give us a

guest worker program and a militarized border

Mitchell: what about Saint Marco Rubio?

Graham: who the hell cares about

that dry-mouthed dweeb

Mitchell: I care

Richardson: what does closing the border

have to do with hard-working people

who have lived here for years

Graham: we're being overrun by 

poor and corrupt illiterate brown 

people pedro - as god is my witness  

we will close this border

Gregory: can Hilary Clinton be beaten in 2016?

Graham: BENGHAZI!!

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG Hillary Clinton is going to

run for President isn't she?!

Mitchell: yes but she was recently upstaged

by that loveable weirdo Joe Biden

Gregory: that's hilarious

Mitchell: James Carville is hanging around –

she's getting the band back together!

Maggie Haberman: the big question is

has she learned enough not hire Mark Penn again?

Murphy: of course she's running for President

– but can she win?

Gregory: Carville says Democrats should fall

in line behind Hillary right now

Richardson: we both lost to Obama so

what the hell do I know

Gregory: that's a good point

Richardson: even Republicans like Hillary Clinton

Gregory: but Benghazi!!

Mitchell: is she a good manager or

will she screw it up again?

Murphy: being invincible only makes

everyone want to take a shot at you

Mitchell: women really want to see 

a female President

Haberman: women got some 

unfinished business here!

Gregory: will the nation want to relive the

Clinton years and Iraq and Benghazi

Murphy: Christie Todd Whitman never got

the female vote which proves Clinton will

lose the women's vote to Marco Rubio

Gregory: what about Joe Biden?

Richardson: he's always wanted to be

President and he can bench press 300 lbs

Gregory: amazing

Richardson: he's got the eye of the tiger

and would not defer to Clinton

Mitchell: they both can't run –

they have the same donors and BFFs

Gregory: Obama said Kamala Harris is good looking

Mitchell: he says the same thing about 

men all the time

Richardson: oh come on – would I be slammed

for pointing out that Scarlett Johansen is fucking hot?

Gregory: I'm amazed you weren't elected President

Richardson: so am I

Gregory: we only created 88,000 jobs last month

Cramer: it's Obama's fault for scaring

people about the sequester

Gregory: so no one hired because of that?

Cramer: right – CEOs said well Obama

said there would be unemployment so

I guess we should not hire anyone

Gregory: what else is going on?

Cramer: bankers want to lend money 

but they are afraid to

Gregory: is there any good news?

Cramer: people are pulling their money

out of Europe because they are embracing

austerity and its wrecking their economies

Gregory: that is good news

Cramer: if Obama wants to please Wall Street

he should reappoint Ben Bernanke

who is an amazing and handsome man

Murphy: this country needs to take on the

left and finally cut spending

Mitchell: but we just established that spending

cuts is causing unemployment

Gregory: let's not forget the President

would like to create jobs

Haberman: yes I've heard he does like jobs

Richardson: forget about jobs –

we need to cut Medicare

Cramer: fossil fuels will ruin America

but the Keystone pipeline will create

60,000 jobs in 30 days so let's do it

Gregory: I'm sold

Cramer: sorry but oil and gas drive 

the entire economy

Mitchell: Obama can blame John Kerry

for approving the pipeline

Murphy: Obama is a failure and he must

slash Medicare and and basically just do

anything that hippies don't like

Gregory: so Obama's economic strategy

should be to piss off liberals?

Richardson: no because even liberals realize

we have to cut spending and slash Social Security

and the debt is our biggest problem

Gregory: what about gun control?

Haberman: Obama didn't seize the 

initiative after Newtown

Murphy: right - they blew it because

Obama got greedy because he's so cocky

Haberman: greedy and cocky

Gregory: so cocky

Cramer: so much cock

Mitchell: um...

Gregory: and that's another episode

of Meet The Press

*********************************

This Week with George Stephanopoulos - April 7, 2013

Guests:

Daniel Pfeiffer - White House Advisor

David Sanger

Martha Raddatz

Greta Van Susteren

********************************

Stephanopoulos: is chained CPI a 

big cut for poor people?

Pfeiffer: yes but we will protect the really old people

Stephanopoulos: it sill sounds harsh

Pfeiffer: it is but luckily the Tea Party

can't accept any tax hikes for billionaires

Stephanopoulos: can you get 

any more rules on guns?

Pfeiffer: not if the GOP insists on a filibuster

Stephanopoulos: do you want to keep records

of all guns sales which will of course lead to

confiscation and fascism?

Pfeiffer: maybe

Stephanopoulos: liberals are worried 

you are surrendering as usual

Pfeiffer: hey they should try to deal with

those armed wackos in Congress

Stephanopoulos: won't it be disappointing 

if even after Sandy Hook all you get 

is some weak shit on background checks?

Pfeiffer: sure

Stephanopoulos: is Obama worried 

North Korea will attack South by Southwest

Pfeiffer: he's kind of hoping they nuke Burning Man

Stephanopoulos: are you about to go to war?

Pfeiffer: maybe but the good news we may

get a cool remake of M*A*S*H

Stephanopoulos: would Obama respond 

to an attack from North Korea with 

bombs or troops or nuclear weapons?

Pfeiffer: [ coy look ] who can say?

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Martha are we 

about to go to war?

Raddatz: the biggest fear is that 

South Korea will provocatively shoot 

down a missile aimed at them

Sanger: we have a 60 year-old plan

for all-out war -- the horses are fed and the

bayonets are washed, waxed, and ready

Raddatz: if they test a missile Chuck Hegel 

has threatened to send John Kerry to 

lecture the North Koreans

Stephanopoulos: oh my god

Will: I find North Korea to be to me disliking

Susteren: I have been to North Korea

and they all think we are preparing 

a war against them

Stephanopoulos: we are

Susteren: they might invade South Korea 

to celebrate Kim's birthday

Will: The First World War was a 

recent unpleasantness

Sanger: Kim Jon-Un is basically the 

King Joffrey of North Korea

Stephanopoulos: that's not good

Sanger: he has changed his hairstyle to

look more like his crazy grandfather

Raddatz: Kim Jon-Un may have a hidden

long-range missile that could hit America

Susteren: in their minds they are winning

and we are terrified of them

Stephanopoulos: why would they think that?

Will: China lives next door and they

need to give them a stern talking to

Sanger: China has Korea's oil

Stephanopoulos: how will they fry anything?

Sanger: Kim says to himself 'Qaddafi

and Saddam gave up nukes and they're dead'

Stephanopoulos: good point

Raddatz: North Korea need money 

and Iran needs nukes

Stephanopoulos: we all need love and tenderness

Will: our invasion of Iraq taught every

dictator to rush out and a nuclear weapon

Stephanopoulos: it's the gift that keeps on giving

Susteren: North Koreas have 

this crazy idea that America would 

invade their country if we get scared

Stephanopoulos: well that's just crazy

*******************************************