Sunday, May 24, 2015

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – May 24, 2015

Host: Jon Karl
Governor Jon Kasich (R-OH)
Sen. Colby Coash (R-NE)
Rep. Mac Thornberry (R-TX)
Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN)
Alex Marquardt
Alex Perez
Cecilia Vega
Pierre Thomas
Donna Brazile
Bill Kristol

Karl: OMG the Patriot Act might
expire and ISIS might have nukes!

Karl: but first let's go to Cleveland where
police shot a guy 137 times for speeding

Perez: there are protests
because a white cop was acquitted
after shooting two unarmed white people

Karl: they were white?

Perez: no just seeing if you were
paying attention – they were black

Karl: whew!

Perez: they were speeding so the
cop jumped on the hood of their car
and fired 15 shots into their windshield

Karl: admirable restraint

Perez: there have been peaceful
demonstrations ever since

Karl: welcome Governor Kasich

Kasich: nice to be here Karl

Karl: the cop was acquitted – was this justice?

Kasich: the verdict is the verdict

Karl: well put Governor

Kasich: the people of
Cleveland should be proud

Karl: of course

Kasich: we need to have a policy on
when police are permitted to kill unarmed
people who have done nothing wrong

Karl: sounds right

Kasich: we have to respond 
when people think the system  
doesn't work for them

Karl: very progressive of you

Kasich: we need to say to people we
hear you and understand you

Karl: you're talking like
that uppity Baltimore city attorney

Kasich: we need more
data and better training

Karl: that's boring

Kasich: I'm proud there
were protests but no violence

Karl: cops in Cleveland also 
shot and killed an unarmed 
twelve year old boy as well

Kasich: yeah I heard about that

Karl: it was in all the newspapers

Kasich: people need to know
that people in authority listen to them

Karl: Wall Street doesn't
seem to have that problem

Kasich: bless the people of Cleveland
for not resorting to violence

Karl: they can leave that to the cops

Kasich: snark

Karl: thanks for coming Jon

Kasich: you too Jon

[ break ]

Karl: OMG ISIS says it
wants nuclear weapons!

Marquardt: ISIS has taken
Ramadi and half of Syria!

Marquardt: the Iraqi army
is a bunch of cowards

Marquardt: ISIS took 
Palmyra which is a tourist 
spot for westerners

Karl: oh no!

Marquardt: Obama said we're
not losing it's merely a tactical setback

McCain: where is our decency?!

Marquardt: ISIS said its
shopping for a nuclear weapon!

[ break ]

Karl: welcome Congressman
Thornberry if that is your real name

Thornberry: good to be here Carl

Karl: ISIS says they
can get a nuclear bomb!

Thornberry: there's no
evidence they have one – yet

Karl: but that's still terrifying

Thornberry: well they're terrorists

Karl: what should we do?!?

Thornberry: we should go after ISIS

Karl: there's an original idea

Thornberry: we need
better intelligence

Karl: no doubt

Thornberry: then we have to act

Karl: you're full of great ideas

Thornberry: Obama didn't bomb
Assad and now we have ISIS!

Karl: bombing Assad would have
empowered ISIS even more

Thornberry: even so we should bomb 
more – it's the one thing we're good at

Karl: is ISIS winning this war?

Thornberry: we're not winning
that's for sure

Karl: you think?

Thornberry: ISIS is taking territory
and they are also more popular than ever

Karl: is that right?

Thornberry: their brand is
growing faster than their territory

Karl: they have good marketing skills

Thornberry: we should market American

Karl: how so?

Thornberry: freedom bombs!

Karl: ISIS had 10 Oklahoma City-type bombs!

Thornberry: see now they have access
to weapons of mass destruction like fertilizer

Karl: you want to invade Iraq again

Thornberry: no I want risk-free bombing

Karl: I see

Thornberry: also the Iraqi government is bad

Karl: the Patriot Act expires this week!

Thornberry: it's very scary

Karl: you're worried?

Thornberry: we need those
Lone Wolf provisions!

Karl: thanks for coming Mr Berry

[ break ]

Karl: OMG Clinton e-mails! Benghazi!

Vega: the media got to ask her
questions and all they asked
about was her e-mails

Vega: some of her e-mails
were classified this week!

Vega: omg Hillary Clinton
is on the defensive!

Reporter: do you have 
a perception problem??

Reporter: she hand-selected e-mails!

Reporter: people don't trust you!

Clinton: yeah okay whatever

Karl: Rand Paul single-handedly
stopped the PATRIOT Act

Paul: it's an un-patriotic act!

Audience: I see what you did there Rand

Karl: he also filibustered droning
Americans in coffee shops

Karl: but he's also using
his speechifying to raise money

Christie: We need the Patriot Act!
We must protect the homeland!

Bush: my brother spent too much money!

[ break ]

Karl: welcome back Jon

Kasich: thanks Jon

Karl: you love New Hampshire!

Kasich: I hang out in people's
kitchens until they ask me to leave

Karl: do you stand with
Rand Paul on PATRIOT Act?

Kasich: I'm suspicious of anything big

Karl: so is that a yes?

Kasich: I care about civil liberties  
but I also support surveillance

Karl: okay

Kasich: we should expand 
the power of FISA court  
as a check on surveillance

Karl: that's not how any of this works

Kasich: I don't like government
holding all this data

Karl: all right

Kasich: maybe some quasi-government 
agency should keep records 
of all your phone calls

Karl: a pseudo-governmental institution?

Kasich: yeah like the NCAA or the NFL

Karl: what could go wrong?

Kasich: we need to find
our enemies and protect civil liberties!

Karl: you're very adamant 
about taking both sides

Kasich: darn right!

Karl: what about ISIS?

Kasich: we should form a 
coalition to destroy ISIS

Karl: problem solved

Kasich: if we have to put boots
on the ground to defeat ISIS so be it!

Karl: wow finally some news

Kasich: we should have invaded
Syria and deposed Assad

Karl: yikes

Kasich: Obama didn't bomb Assad! Red line!

Karl: please proceed Governor

Kasich: Obama hates Israel!

Karl: you wife and daughters
want you to run for President

Kasich: you talked to them?

Karl: sure – you know we're best buds

Kasich: you little scamp

Karl: so are you running?

Kasich: yes but right now I'm
looking for a billionaire to adopt me

Karl: you should create a
facebook page like those shelter cats

Kasich: I'm the most
experienced in the field

Karl: aha so you are running!

Kasich: I balanced budgets
and was on the defense committee

Karl: maybe you're the most
qualified but you're an underdog

Kasich: it all depends on
how much money I have

Karl: the New York Times says
Rubio is the future but you're 
stuck in the past

Kasich: I've got experience in
Washington and executive experience

Karl: no one gives a shit about
your experience – what have you
done to stop Obama?

Kasich: America is weak around
the world and that leaves us open
to terror attacks here at homeland

Karl: would you run for Vice President?

Kasich: forget it!

Karl: really?

Kasich: no way!

Karl: we'll see

Kasich: don't count me out!

[ break ]

Karl: so panel it looks like
Kasich is running for President

Kristol: I don't like him – he favors
common core and scary immigrants
and Medicaid other communist ideas

Karl: ooh

Kristol: but he is a serious candidate

Karl: no doubt

Kristol: it's insane that he right now
he wouldn't qualify for a Fox News
debate with ten candidates

Karl: but Donald Trump would!

Kristol: that's nuts!

Karl: Rand Paul killed the Patriot Act

Cupp: Republicans on both sides
of this issue are all right and all
Democrats are wrong

Ellison: liberals have been talking
about civil liberties for 50 years
and have been bashed for it by Republicans

Karl: you hate Rand Paul
just because he's crazy

Ellison: not at all – we're working
together on issues like prison reform
and civil forfeiture and if in fact 
video killed the radio star

Kristol: he's right – Democrats have 
long championed criminal rights 
– those thug-loving fuckers

Brazile: we need to follow the Constitution

Kristol: the Patriot Act protects us
from terrorists who are coming to kill us all!

Ellison: the government is all 
up in our business

Karl: Bill Kristol you say Hillary 
won't be the nominee

Kristol: yes it will either be  
Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren!

Karl: you are so wise

Kristol: I is smart

Karl: omg the Clinton e-mails!

Cupp: it's clear that Hillary
Clinton doesn't follow the rules

Karl: right

Cupp: Clinton won't be the nominee
because Democrats voted for Obama in 2008

Brazile: no one is scared of Hillary Clinton

Cupp: okay

Brazile: she's the only candidate 
talking about big issues

Kristol: she isn't talking about anything!

Brazile: sure she is

Kristol: okay what's her
position on the trade bill?

Brazile: she supports it as long
as there are provisions on things
like currency manipulation

Kristol: oh I didn't know that

Brazile: that's because you're
an idiot who doesn't listen

Karl: oh wow the Nebraska
legislature banned death penalty

Thomas: if it goes through
Nebraska will be the first
red state to ban the death penalty

Thomas: but Governor said 
he will veto the ban

Governor: some people just need killing

Thomas: Illinois stopped killing
people and Oklahoma can't find
enough lethal drugs

Thomas: most Americans oppose
the death penalty but some crime
victims still demand killing

Thomas: both sides are passionate

Karl: welcome Nebraska Senator Coash

Coash: good to be here Karl

Karl: you are a conservative –
why do you oppose the death penalty?

Coash: it's too expensive

Karl: I see

Coash: also it's inefficient

Karl: so it's just about saving money?

Coash: some pro-lifers
do feel there is a moral aspect to it

Karl: but for you it's just dollars and cents

Coash: correct

Karl: the governor says the
death penalty is essential to stop crime
which is out of control in Nebraska

Coash: I hadn't noticed that

Karl: but crime victims still
want someone killed

Coash: it's not justice or fair
when a criminal appeals for
20 years without being killed

Karl: I suppose not

Coash: it's so frustrating watching
someone languish in prison without
being killed for their crime

Karl: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Karl: conservatives love the death penalty

Cupp: I know but I oppose it –
it's expensive and pointless

Karl: interesting

Cupp: even some Boston bombing
victims opposed the death penalty

Brazile: it costs too much and is
prone to error and is immoral – 
see Republican and Democrats finally
agree on something

Kristol: I fucking love the death penalty!

Karl: of course you do

Kristol: Hillary Clinton's
husband executed people!

Karl: here's a look at some
commencement speeches

George W. Bush: you can fail in
school and still succeed – I'm living proof!

Denzel Washington: dream big!

Colbert: you parents sacrificed
much – mostly money

Obama: your greatest moments
are ahead of you!

[ break ]

Karl: will the Indy 500 be excited this year?

Reporter: yes there will be lots of
crashes and gruesome deaths
be sure to tune in!

Karl: why will there so many 
fun crashes this year?

Reporter: the cars go very fast and
have been rigged to fly like kites
at 220 miles per hour

Karl: well it sounds great!

Raddatz: look at these soldiers' letters home

Raddatz: this historian has collected
100,000 letters soldier's sent home
talking about how war isn't as much
fun as advertised

Historian: we have letters written
from Lexington and Concord to Iraq
and Afghanistan and the common
theme is soldiers write amazing letters home

Raddatz: wow – something to
think about on Memorial Day

Karl: indeed – and that's the show this week

1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Karl: welcome Congressman
Thornberry if that is your real name


P.S. Screw Kasich with a rusty chainsaw.