Sunday, September 28, 2014

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – September 28, 2014

Jon Karl
Martha Raddatz
Pierre Thomas
Terry Moran
Speaker John Boehner (R-OH)
Lt. Col. Steve Ganyard (Ret.)
Vice Adm. John Miller
(Cmdr. Naval Forces CENTCOM)
John Cohen
Ali Soufan
Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN)
Laura Ingraham
Matthew Dowd
Bill O'Reilly

Raddatz: omg I'm in Bahrain
and I don't know why!

Raddatz: holy shit the U.S.
is still bombing ISIS!

Moran: Martha I have a front row seat
to the war on ISIS – I can hear the 

crack of the rifles and see the 
red glare of the rockets

Raddatz: ISIS is getting pounded
at the camps and their bases and
even their vacation homes

Moran: shit is getting real

Raddatz: the US is sending guns
and grenades to moderate Syrians
as soon as we can find some

Dempsey: we have to do
it right – not fast

Audience: but we want it now!

Ganyard: we're also bombing
Khorasan which is a new enemy
which has nothing to do with ISIS

Raddatz: oh that's scary

Ganyard: also we're bombing ISIS's
startup businesses which were 

making them $2 million per day

Raddatz: sweet money – what's the gig?

Ganyward:  mobile oil refineries –
they're like food trucks but with less oil

Raddatz: oh my

Ganyard: first we're trying to drive
ISIS out of Iraq and then we will
smash their safe havens in Syria

Raddatz: OMG I got to tour the 

U.S.S. George H.W. Bush!

Bush: not prudent

Raddatz: this amazingly cool aircraft
carrier is bigger than the empire state
building and is bristling with 

bombs and missiles

Audience: badass

Raddatz: they were bombing Afghanistan
but was then were ordered to turn
around and bomb ISIS

Captain: Martha we can bomb anyone
anywhere anyplace at anytime

Raddatz: you don't get a day 

off on an aircraft carrier!

Navy: our seamen are always 

ready for action

Raddatz: they serve 18,000 meals per day

Audience: almost at much 

as a Carnival Cruise

Raddatz: these young people
handle 500 lb bombs capable
of destroying a building

Raddatz: a jet lands every 55 seconds
and planes are catapulted to top speed
– it's fucking crazy

Rear Admiral: We're going to
be bombing for a long time

Raddatz: just like Meet The Press

Admiral: that's low Martha

Raddatz: after you've finished
destroying ISIS what's next
for the Navy?

[ break ]

Rear Admiral: there's a small but
promising terror group we're thinking
bombing into oblivion

Raddatz: welcome Vice Admiral Miller

Miller: hi Martha

Raddatz: Admiral so how 

is the bombing going?

Vice Admiral Miller: we retook the
Mosul dam, saved Baghdad, rescued
the Yazidis and racked up
one million frequent flyer miles

Raddatz: yes but the problem hasn't
been totally solved since ISIS still exists

Vice Admiral Miller: hey Martha
we just started the killing

Raddatz: are you running out
of things to bomb?

Vice Admiral Miller: no Martha
we will never run of places and
people to bomb

Raddatz: but you don't have
US troops on the ground there

Vice Admiral Miller: but we have
Iraqi troops on the ground

Raddatz: but those troops suck

Vice Admiral Miller: well then
we'll bomb some more

Raddatz: what do see in
the coming year?

Vice Admiral Miller: more bombs!

Raddatz: thanks Admiral

[ break ]

Raddatz: omg America is about
to be attacked by terrorists!

Lt. Gen: it's frightening!

Thomas: the plots have not
been stopped by the bombing

Eric Holder: it's terrifying!

Thomas: bombing ISIS could make
attacks on Americans more likely!

Audience: eek

Thomas: some guy in Oklahoma
beheaded a co-worker!

Audience: if he put fish in the
company microwave he gets a pass

Thomas: it's a witch's brew
of threats and we're all going to die!!

[ break ]

Raddatz: how soon are we
all going to be killed by Khorasan?

Cohen: Syria is like the
Club Med of terrorists

Soufan: since 9/11 we've killed
terrorists but we never dealt
with the ideology of terrorism

Raddatz: how soon are we all
going to be killed by Khorasan?

Soufan: the threat is not all the
different groups it's with extremism
and terrorist ideology

Cohen: exactly why do young men
find beheading and crazy 

terrorism so appealing?

Raddatz: look Americans just
terrified and want ISIS destroyed

Cohen: ok martha but it's not that simple

Soufan: martha before I address
your fears I must say this –
you must know our enemy
and then know ourselves

Raddatz: are you a Jedi

Soufan: understand the causes of
terrorism we must or keep fighting
these wars forever we will

Raddatz: great then I can keep
reporting from the decks of
more aircraft carriers!

[ break ]

Karl: Eric Cantor lost so could
John Boehner be forced out too?

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: what's up John?

Boehner: we're gonna pick up
seats campaigning on tort reform

Stephanopoulos: how about
the war on ISIS?

Boehner: Obama's plan is inadequate

Stephanopoulos: oh?

Boehner: we must have troops on the ground!

Stephanopoulos: Americans?

Boehner: we have no choice –
these are barbarians!

Stephanopoulos: why not have
a vote on the war on ISIS?

Boehner: Obama won't let
us vote on the war!

Stephanopoulos: does he have
the authority to bomb ISIS?

Boehner: yes but I wouldn't mind a vote

Stephanopoulos: so would you bring
Congress back from their second
vacation this month to vote on
whether to go to war?

Boehner: yes I would in theory

Stephanopoulos: what is at the
top of your agenda for the
next Congressional session?

Boehner: repeal the tax on medical devices!

Stephanopoulos: you said an
immigration reform bill would pass

Boehner: yes but children were
caught at the border proving the
border isn't secure and therefore
we can't pass immigration reform

Stephanopoulos: what is your
message to the President?

Boehner: the President and I both
love America so let's be really
bold and pass a highway bill

[ panel discussion ]

Karl: if Congress voted on a
war on ISIS would it pass?

Ellison: probably if it had
some kind of a time limit

Karl: Obama is relying on the 9/11
resolution for his legal authority
to attack ISIS

Ingraham: that doesn't fly

Karl: aha!

Ingraham: only Congress can declare war!

Karl: I knew it!

Ingraham: Congress is a bunch of cowards

Dowd: Congress not declaring war
goes back to Ronald Reagan and
Bosnia but it's Obama's
responsibility to fix this
decades-old problem now

Karl: I see

Dowd: we must return authority to
declare war back to Congress now
that a black guy is President

Karl: Obama is just like George Bush!

Bai: Obama has finally supported
the war on terror which he denied
should even exist

Karl: that is a very good point
although it is also an absolute lie

O'Reilly: General George Patton was in the Olympic games in the Pentathlon!

Audience: the whatathon

Karl: Bobby Jindal visited New 

Hampshire and Jeb Bush crashed 
a children's birthday party!

Nate Silver: the GOP will re-take the Senate!

Karl: omg Eric Holder is leaving
and the President may have a lame-duck
session approve a new Attorney General!

Dowd: the GOP rhetoric
against Holder was insane
– Ed Meese was a real criminal

Ingraham: don't you mean 

'American hero Ed Meese'?

Dowd: he resigned to avoid criminal charges!

Ingraham: but Holder said we
are a nation of cowards on race

Dowd: we are

Ingraham: we don't need another
NAACP LaRaza community organizer
as Attorney General

Ellison: what is she babbling about?

Ingraham: he's black blackity McBlack Black

Ellison: Holder has a great
record especially civil rights

Karl: we have fewer people
in prison – is that good?

Bai: with all due respect to Laura
– Republicans are completely insane

Karl: he's got a point there Laura

Bai: Obama should find a non-political
consensus pick to be Attorney General
which would please the Beltway

Ingraham: the AG does not work
for the President he works for the people

Dowd: Like RFK or Ed Meese

or John Mitchell ?

Ingraham: Holder is worse than
them all because he said we
are a nation of cowards

Karl: can Jeb Bush be President?

Ingraham: I love all the Bushes
but Jeb is soft on hating brown people

Karl: the Clintons have a grandbaby!

Bai: ha ha the Democrats will
fundraise off this because they
are so bad and shameless

[ break ]

Karl: OMG did the Soviets murder
General Patton?!?

Stephanopoulos: Bill do you really
believe OMG General Patton was murdered?

Bill O'Reilly: yes Josef Stalin killed
Patton because he was going to
tell the truth about the Soviet Union

Stephanopoulos: that if we wait long
enough the USSR would collapse on its own?

O'Reilly: don't be a smart aleck George

Stephanopoulos: but the car accident
that killed Patton was a spur of the
moment thing – how could Stalin
know about it in advance?

O'Reilly: they're Russians – 

they have malicious
swarthy-person superpowers 

like the arab terrorists do!

Stephanopoulos: Patton had bodyguards

O'Reilly: there was no autopsy!

Stephanopoulos: his wife didn't want one

O'Reilly: he was the only one with
the guts to want to start a war with
the USSR while we were about
to invade Japan!

Stephanopoulos: what surprised
you most about Patton?

O'Reilly: how fucking crazy he was

Stephanopoulos: so then would
Patton support your idea of having
a mercenary army fight ISIS?

O'Reilly: oh no he would say to Obama
'give the troops and I will wipe out ISIS
and possibly France'

Stephanopoulos: so your hero Patton
would think Bill O'Reilly was nuts

O'Reilly: Henry Kissinger agrees
with me – America must to turn
to bounty hunters and paid killers

Stephanopoulos: I'm still not convinced

O'Reilly: let's win the damn war!

[ break ]

Karl: we talked to the woman
was a little baby tossed from a
helicopter fleeing the last days of Vietnam
and who is a doctor now

Karl: you were the little baby in this
documentary thrown by her father
onto an aircraft carrier

Doctor: my parents did not
make it seem so dramatic

Karl: how do you feel watching this movie?

Doctor: I feel grateful we got out
of Vietnam but but guilt also for
all those who did not

Raddatz: the troops on these
magnificent aircraft carrier sacrifice
a lot but they form their own family

Raddatz: how did you find out 

you would be bombing ISIS?

Sailor: it came over the loudspeaker
– Commander in Chief says it's go time

Sailor: we're touching lives
and we're a part of history!

Raddatz: that's all for today


Gary said...

It's like a buffet - but a buffet where you can only choose one thing! How will I ever decide?

Thomas: some guy in Oklahoma
beheaded a co-worker!

Audience: if he put fish in the
company microwave he gets a pass

This part was good. That's what I'm going with, though the "never run out of things to bomb" bit was up there too.

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