President Barack Obama
Doris Goodwin
Tom Brokaw
Jon Meachem
David Brooks
***********************
Gregory: Welcome Mr.
President
Obama: thanks David
Gregory: Bam what if we go
over the fiscal cliff?
Obama: it could ruin this
amazing
wonderful economic
recovery
Gregory: oh noe
Obama: Congress needs to
address the
deficit by keeeping tax
cuts for 98%
of people and raise them
for the other 2%
Gregory: I don't like the
sound of that
Obama: well then you're in
luck because
Republicans refuse to
raise taxes on billionaires
Gregory: sweet – what
happens now
Obama: if Congress can't
reach an
agreement then they should
just
vote for keeping the
middle class tax cuts
Gregory: but what about my
stock protfolio?!?!
Obama: it's not my fault
you bought
Facebook at $35 Fluffy
Gregory: but Mark
Zuckerberg poked me
Obama: If the GOP doesn't
take
my deal they will have to
explain to
the American people that
they wrecked
the market, ruined the
economy, raised
unemployment, slashed
spending and
raised their taxes
Gregory: what about the
automatic
spending cuts?
Obama: we can avoid them
by
raising taxes on rich
people
Gregory: oh dear
Obama: but Republicans
love rich
people so it may not
happen
Gregory: but isn't this
all your fault?
Obama: hey Fluffy I cut
spending a
trillion dollars –
that's more than
Reagan or Bush or bush
ever did
Gregory: yeah but by then
the
debt was really high
Obama: then I offered
another
trillion in spending cuts!
Gregory: now we're talking
Obama: any objective
non-idiot would
say I met John Boehner
more than half way
Gregory: but you are still
the Leader
so by definition it's all
your fault
Obama: I lead on behalf of
the
poor and elderly and
disabled
Gregory: but you're
supposed to
represent important people
Obama: basic fairness is
at stake –
and by the way I won the
fucking election
Gregory: I suppose so
Obama: the people have
spoken –
rich people have had
enough goodies!
Gregory: what is about you
that
Republicans hate so much?
Obama: gosh I can't
imagine
Gregory: let's try
Obama: Democrats are mad
at me
because I offered to cut
entitlements
and the GOP still said no
Gregory: you're not
getting anything done!
Obama: Republicans say
they care
about the debt but it
seems like the
only thing they really
care about is
giving even more money to
rich people
Gregory: at least it's an
ethos
Obama: we all agree on not
raising
taxes on the middle class
– so let's do it!
Gregory: are you prepared
to slash
Medicare and Social
Security like I want?
Obama: maybe
Gregory: you gotta talk
tough to seniors!
Obama: I don't gotta do
anything Fluffnuts
Gregory: gee whillikers
you just gotta!
Obama: I offered chained
CPO
Gregory: not enough
suffereing!
Obama: I am not willing to
put the entire
burden to pay for the Bush
spending spree
on the old and helpless
Gregory: but they're so
adorable and
also helpless
Obama: the American people
actually
like the elderly and
students and the
disabled and don't love
billionaires
Gregory: well I've hung
out with both and
I can tell you
billionaires are much more fun
Obama: they're white and
often fat
Gregory: you are obviously
a weak
reeelcted President so
what do you
want to do in your next
term?
Obama: welcome immigrants
and rebuild
some of these bridges
which are all falling down
Gregory: boooring!
Obama: ok wind and solar
and fracking
Gregory: neato
Obama: but first prevent
Congress
from raising taxes on the
middle class
Gregory: do you have the
stomach for a gun fight?
Obama: we all have to do
some
soul searching on why
Americans
keep shooting each other
Gregory: what gun laws can
you get passed?
Obama: Joe Biden is going
to take
this issue on – it's a
big fucking deal!
Gregory: the NRA leaders
will say
no to anything you propose
Obama: I don't give a fuck
what
those lunatics say
Gregory: the NRA says we
should have
an armed guard at every
entrance
and exit of every school
Obama: oh sure more guns
in schools –
that will solve everything
Gregory: I sense some
sarcasm in your answer
Obama: the American people
need to
get behind this and also
stop clinging
to their goddam guns
Gregory: oooh
Obama: I'm not going to
forget guns –
that was the worst day of
my Presidency
Gregory: speaking of that
–
Bengazi was the worst
thing ever!
Obama: we need armed
guards outside
every embassy and
consulate
Gregory: what an idea
Obama: hey it turns out
turning security
over to the Libyans was a
bad idea
Gregory: who carried out
the attack?
Obama: we have Doc Brown
on the case
Gregory: you left Susan
Rice out to dry
Obama: she went on tv
reporting
what we thought we knew
Gregory: but incorrect
Obama: all those attacks
on her
were politically motivated
Gregory: Is Chuck Hegel
homophobic or an
anti-semite?
Obama: who?
Gregory: Chuck Hegel the
former
Republican Senator
Obama: oh yeah – I met
him once in
the Senate a long time ago
Gregory: does he think
gays are icky?
Obama: well ten years ago
we all did
Gregory: how frustrated
are you how hard
it is to get things done
in Washington?
Obama: what frustrates me are sanctimonious
idiots who say both sides
are equally guilty
– which is bullshit –
the GOP obstructs
everything I do no matter
how much I reach
out to the Republicans
and you know it
Gregory: but there are two
sides so they must be equal
Obama: I am never running
again –
of course I want to
America more prosperous
unlike a certain political
party I could mention
Gregory: give me an
example
of your lack of ideology
Obama: I am proposing tax
cuts for
98% of people – that's
not some left-wing
dirty hippie idea!
Gregory: if you don't want
to cut taxes
for a billionaire you are
a patchouli-smelling freak
Obama: I was watching the
movie 'Lincoln'
and thought about how
Washington
has always been a
shit-filled mess
Gregory: true enough
Obama: if Republicans
block my plan then
we will come back in
January and propose
to cut taxes on the middle
class all over again
Gregory: it's such an odd
way to govern
Obama: I know but I'm
dealing with total nutters
Gregory: thanks for coming
Bam
Obama: you're welcome
Fluffy
[ break ]
Gregory: oh my god panel –
Obama is driving a hard
bargain
Brooks: brave men gave
their lives
at Bunker Hill and Shiloh
and we can't
even muster the courage
cut Social Security
Gregory: you are so wise
Brooks: it's true the
Republicans are
crazy but Obama is like alien
from a
morally superior planet
Gregory: which one?
Gregory: Obama is from
Mars -
Boehner is from one of the
gas giants
Todd: the President
doesn't even care
if we go over the cliff -
it's so sad
Gregory: tell me more
Chucky
Todd: the Republicans want
to
surrender on taxes and
then fight
the President tooth and
nail on everything else
Gregory: that's quite a
change
Brokaw: I just want to say
that $250,000
a year is not very much
money to live on
Gregory: that is so true
Brokaw: also Obama is lazy
and
won't slash Social
Security
Gregory: Obama is not
actively engaged
and somewhat shiftless
Goodwin: Obama has finally
learned
that the key to a great
Presidency is to speak
to the American people
like they are kind of dumb
Gregory: it's not lazy
pundity to say both
sides are equally guilty
because there
are two sides so they must
be
Goodwin: but it isn't true
Gregory: that doesn't
matter!
Meachem: exactly – Obama
is smart and right
but he isn't warm and
fuzzy like Ronald Reagan
and that's why he never
sold his big bill
in his first term
Todd: like how Obamacare
failed to pass?
Goodwin: Obama should
sleep with
Congressman like Bill
Clinton did
Todd: this Congress has
been
uniquely actrocious
Brokaw: also Congress is
gerrymandered
to elect weirdos and
nutjobs
Gregory: even Charles
Krauthammer admits
that Obama has exposed the
cracks
in the GOP caucus
Todd: Congress is on
crack?
Brooks: it's true that the
GOP are all
useless fucks but the
America people
are selfish jerks who want
to
bankrupt their children
Gregory: I begged Obama to
cut Medicare
and he refused
Brokaw: Obama would be
very popular
if he destroyed Medicare
Gregory: we all know that
Brokaw: Obama must make
people work
until age 70 – people
will love that
Todd: sweet jesus – the
GOP
demagogued Medicare twice!
Brokaw: warble arble
garble
Todd: Obama was willing to
do cut
Medicare and the GOP said
no!
Gregory: also it's Obama's
fault
we won't get gun control
Meachem: exactly – as
with so many other
political issues Obama's
failure to be
America's Magic Negro is
tragic
Brokaw: I was reading the
latest issue of
Shotgun News and this is
the
Assault Weapon foldout
issue
Brooks: I only read that
for the Letters to the Editor
where the pizza delivery
boy takes off his clothes
and has a Bushmaster in
his pants
Brokaw: there is no more
unified crazy
constituency than nuts who
think Obama
is going to take their
guns away and
then take their wives and
take their daughters
and then they will be
forced to have sex
with other men to survive
Gregory: good lord
Gregory: panel what should
Obama
do in the next four years?
Goodwin: Obama won because
of Latinos
and now it's payback time
Brooks: Obama should
emulate
George W. Bush and cut
taxes and raise
spending and then wreck
the economy
– people love that
Brokaw: America must
tolerate mass
killings of children
because some people
fire machine guns as a
hobby
Goodwin: Obama should ride
a train
around America and dare
someone to shoot him
Meachem: I love guns but
the penis mightier
Brooks: that is so true
Meachem: the American
people have to
decide if they want
unlimited guns or
more shooting sprees in
their kids' schools
Gregory: but when is Obama
going to the find
to time attack the old and
disabled?
Todd: Obama is not stupid
like you all which
is why he will do
immigration reform first
Goodwin: Obama should
sleep
with a Mexican
Gregory: and that's
another
episode of Meet The Press
***************************************
