Sunday, November 18, 2012

Meet The Press – November 18, 2012

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA)
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)
Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID)
John Podesta
Andrea Mitchell
Tom Friedman
Mike Murphy
Gregory: good morning panel –
Obama fled to Asia under fire
for allowing Petraeus to have an extra-marital affair!

Mitchell: how could Obama let this
happen to such a hero?

Friedman: Hamas wants help from the
muslim brotherhood in Egypt,
Israel is afraid of missiles,
and Syria and Iran are loving it

Gregory: Obama is in bang cock

Mitchell: that's actually Bangkok Fluffy

Gregory: oh right

Obama: Israel has a right to defend itself!

Mitchell: the wonderful Arab Spring led
to this violence because we no longer have
a reliable leader we can bribe to be nice Israel

Gregory: there's democracy for you

Gregory: let's talk about the most important
thing ever – whether the government sufficiently
described an attack as 'terrorism'
or 'just one of those things'

Rogers: it's a semiotic scandal

Feinstein: Petraeus called it terrorism the
next day but Rice followed the CIA talking points
so she is being pilloried for no reason

Rogers: look our job in Congress is to look
as if we are doing something this and gain
political advantage however we can

Gregory: of course

Rogers: we must investigate what happened
but I can tell you without investigating that
the CIA is good and the White House is bad

Gregory: right

Gregory: Rice said the investigation
is ongoing – is that so terrible?

Rogers: yes – without snap judgments
how can ever know what we don't think

Gregory: the White House should
feel intelligence at you

Rogers: exactly

Gregory: why didn't Rice call it terrorism?

Feinstein: because she could only talk about non-secret things

Gregory: why not call it terrorism –
who are we protecting??

Rogers: it's a cover up!!

Feinstein: we should not have talking
points by committee

Gregory: is this a cover-up!?! What is Rice hiding?!?

Mike Rogers: you should go easy
on those accusations Fluffy

Gregory: who cares about facts?! We have to get Obama!

Feinstein: easy there fluffers

Gregory: did people die because Rice lied?!

Feinstein: what the hell are you talking about?!

Gregory: people were killed!!

Rogers: I agree with David Gregory
that Obama had our people murdered

Feinstein: improvements were made to the Annex!

Gregory: that's pretty arcane Diane

Feinstein: we should have had better
security in Bengazi

Gregory: no shit

Gregory: Diane like you I was madly
in love with David Petraeus

Feinstein: my heart is broken over his affair
- did you know he could speak intelligently
on more than one subject

Greg: wow I've never met anyone like that

Feinstein: when a General loses his
car and driver and has to wash his
own dishes it's only natural that he
would have sex with a hot temptress

Gregory: are you saying all this could
have been prevented with a Maytag?

Rogers: this was a cyber threat!

Gregory: how so?

Rogers: no one in the CIA can ever
have a private e-mail account –
otherwise they could be blackmailed
by having private thoughts

Gregory: let's get to what's really important -
how can I use this to make Obama look bad?

Rogers: was Obama informed about the
state of Petraeus sex life before election day?

Gregory: [ excitedly hops up and down in his seat ]
OMG OMG this it – WE GOT OBAMA!!

Rogers: calm down Fluffy I didn't say that

Gregory: but this is so exciting –
this could be Obama's Benghazi!!

Feinstein: chill out Fluffy

Gregory: you guys are no fun –
I bet Linsday will help me get Obama

[ break ]

Gregory: Obama is a terrible President – 
how do you answer this charge?!

Graham: I agree – Obama failed to destroy
al qeada and then covered it up

Gregory: you believe Obama lied to the
American people about terrorism to win reelection

Graham: no I think he sent Susan Rice out
because she is black and will do whatever he says

Gregory: that makes perfect sense

Graham: Obama is always bragging about
how great he is doing against terrorism
well it turns out terrorism STILL EXISTS
which is a huge watergate-style scandal

Gregory: oh my god you blew my mind

Graham: we must have a special 
investigationand a movie starring 
Jason Robards as John McCain

Gregory: who would play you?

Graham: either Brad Pitt or Chaz Bono

Gregory: how do answer the charge
that Obama engaged in a cover up
three weeks before the election?

Graham: Obama chose a story line
that made him look really good because
failure to prevent a major terror attack
always makes a President look bad which
is why I endorsed John Kerry in 2004

Gregory: your logic is impeccable

Graham: I blame the President for
creating a deathtrap and not
responding to pleas for help for 8 hours

Gregory: can Rice be confirmed as 
Secretary of State?

Graham: I am very disappointed in her
telling a story that al qaeda was dismantled
when it was only mostly dismantled

Gregory: how do you answer the charge that
Obama caused Petraeus to have an 
extra martial affair

Graham: that's going a bit far don't you think

Gregory: I want to bash Obama more
than you do - it's head spinning!!

Graham: well Fluffy you are even weirder
than me – and I didn't think that was possible

Gregory: Romney says Obama only won
because he gave poor, brown, black, latino,
hispanic, asian, gay and young people free gifts

Graham: Obama is a terrible President and
poor people are welfare cheats but we
should try harder to create jobs and not
just attack lazy ignorant voters

Gregory: well I think we've covered it all
thanks for coming

[ break ]

Gregory: so panel - BEGNHAZI!! BENGHAZI!!!

Mitchell: Mike Rogers made an outrageous
unfounded accusation - this will raise many
questions about whether Obama should
resign because of Petraeus' sex life

Gregory: it seems like Diane Feinstein
is worried that Petreaus should not
have been made to wash dishes

Gregory: all these attack on Petraeus are so sad

Podesta: indeed – I would also point out to
Andrea Mitchell that Mike Rogers had
zero evidence for his accusation

Michell: who cares – it's out there!

Labrador: Rice lied on Meet The Press –
this is impeachable!

Gregory: this debate will continue! Forever!

Greg: Tom Friedman – Benghazi - go!!!

Friedman: Petreaus saved Iraq for America
and then wrecked Afghanistan

Greg: 1 out of 2 is high for a batting average

Friedman: Libya is not a scandal –
it's a success story!

Gregory: you are ruining the narrative –
let's talk about something else

Greg: Mitt Romney says Obama won
because of gifts to poor and brown people

Murphy: Romney deserves a pass for the
stupid stuff he says because he's a dumb white guy

Gregory: that's true

Murphy: the GOP doesn't have a bad strategy
it has bad ideas

Labrador: conservativism didn't fail –
Romney failed conservatism!

Gregory: please continue

Labrador: I didn't become a conservative
to defend wealthy people and the
richest corporations – it just kind of happened

Murphy: it's not just Mitt Romney –
the problem is our insane base and also
Rush Limbaugh isn't helping either

Labrador: that big spending liberal
Reagan betrayed us all!

Mitchell: Boehner must get massive
spending cuts or his party will revolt

Friedman: or we could not embrace
and austerity and actually grow the economy

Gregory: that's crazy talk

Podesta: we could rebuild our century-old
bridges and cut our fancy health care costs

Gregory: does everyone really need health care anyway?

Labrador: nah

Gregory: Abraham Lincoln didn't need
anti-depressants – for therapy he just
freed the slaves and went to the theater

Mitchell: that worked out great for everyone

Gregory: and that's another episode 
of Meet The Press



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