Wednesday, July 22, 2009

President Barack Obama Press Conference - July 22, 2009

President Barack Obama Press Conference
July 22, 2009

Obama: hello American people you all know if we don’t enact health care reform we are totally fucked in a major way - now I’ll take questions from the idiots called the white house press corps

AP: How do you plan to pay for this and
what’s your dealbreaker?

Obama: hey dude right now we’re all paying for it - at this rate we won’t be able to afford to iPhones, cable tv, or to invade every tiny little country that pisses off

AP: oh no

Obama: yeah! so that’s 2/3 of the cost right there

AP: and the rest?

Obama: remove tax deductionsbut I don’t
foreclose other options

AP: oh no don’t say foreclose

Obama: hey we could raise taxes on millionaires

White House Press corps: oh shit

Obama: or eliminate waste

White House Press corps: oh yeah much better

Obama: I’m am the motherfucking president and let me tell you - just like the economy - the health care system I inherited from George W. Bush really fucking sucks

White House Press corps: oh poo

Obama: we can do this but we’ve got to make some major fucking changes - we need new computers, fewer tests and better goddamm lollipops!

White House Press corps: he’s good

Obama: people hate Washington DC but I’m telling you people the cost of doing nothing is worse - yo Two First Names David Alexander!

Reuters: what’s the rush Bammy

Obama: people are fucking dyin on me!

Reuters: then you bite the bullet and take
them to a fucking hospital

Obama: you have set deadlines in this town or nothing ever fucking happens - at this rate I’m going to have promise a mushroom cloud over Arlington to wake you fuckers up!

Reuters: that iz scary

Obama: you’re damm right it is!

Obama: C-Todd let’s all get a load of your big brain

Todd: how many people will you leave uninsured and will they deserve it?

Obama: good one toddster - look I want to cover almost everyone - but not that cheerleader on Heroes - she keeps jumping in front of a fucking bus and running into fire and that shit just ain’t right!

Todd: woo hoo NBC

Obama: zip it Toddy

Todd: woo

Obama: the average American is paying hidden costs to pay for people who get their primary treatment in the fucking ER - that is just stupid

Todd: why can’t you get all the blue dog Democrats on board big guy?

Obama: hey I float about the fucking fray - I love me some Chuck Grassley - sure he’s a major doofus but at least he’s not off hiking the Applachian Trail
of Stupidity

Todd: good one Barack

Obama: of course it was goatee boy - Tap Dancer!

Tapper: Mr. President will we be sacrificing the lives of our old people and will any of them not be celebrities?

Obama: they’re going to have to give up the endless joy of mammograms and that third MRI and of course the testicle squeezing

Tapper: [ twittering ] i hate teh ball krushing

Obama: hey dude stop twittering for a goddamm second

Tapper: [ twittering ] prez sayz dood no twittering

Obama: I get that people are worried about all the trillions of debt - debt I inherited from Stupid I might mention - also Bush lost 700,000 jobs and trillions
in U.S. wealth

Tapper: [ twittering ] Bam says Stupid screwd me

Obama: so I care about the debt and I cut it by 2 trillion by for example getting rid of a fighter jet that doesn’t fly in the motherfucking rain

F-22 Pilot: [ pops umbrella ] uh oh

Obama: Computer Chip!

Reid: specifically what kind of human sacrifice are you suggesting for Medicare for example may
I suggest my mother-in-law

Obama: that’s cold Chocolate Chip

Reid: heh heh

Obama: I just got Big Pharma to give me $80 billion for old people - Kristy!

Parsons: why all the secrecy Bam

Obama: hey you can stand outside the white house and see who goes in and out if you really want

Parson: why not put it on C-SPAN

Obama: we did - a network no one but crazy shut-ins in the perfect place to hide!

Q: Will you crack down on Wall Street criminals

Obama: it was Stupid who gave all the money to the Bankster Crooks - now as it turns out the experts said we had to give free money to criminals who created a near Depression to stave off an actual Depression

Q: that is awesomely convenient

Obama: wait there’s more - now they’re all getting rich off the money we gave them which proves
we were right!

Q: Do any of them drive Cadillacs like Reagan’s welfare mother

Obama: hell if I know - all I know is the lesson we’ve taught them is that whenever they get in trouble
for their gambling Uncle Sam will be there to bail them out

Q: so what’s the solution?

Obama: public shaming - they must sit in the table near the kitchen at Le Cirque

Bankster: oh the horror

Cleveland: Will you guarantee people will actually be covered once the GOP gets hold of this
1,000 page bill?

Obama: that’s the beauty of the plan - health insurers must compete and provide good, honest, non-profit driven-care or go out of business

Insurers: oh shit we’re fucked

Obama: right now health insurers are getting super-rich fucking over the American people
which is nice for them but kind of fucking sucks
for the rest of us

Audience: he’s got a point

Obama: dammit people right now the Insurer comes between you and your doctor - and getting rich by denying care when somebody gets sick is just fucking wrong!

Cleveland: will enroll in same public plan?

Obama: I’ve got the best health care in the world - I got tiger woods’ doctor dammit

Q: why are you going to Cleveland - did you lose
a bet or something?

Obama: read the Mayo Clinic blog - they
tweeted that they love me

Q: dood can a black man enter his own fucking house anymore?

Obama: I know very little about this incident with Skip Gates except every damm little fucking tiny detail

Audience: I see

Obama: hell I’ve been stopped by the Secret Service three times trying to enter the fucking White House

Audience: wow

Obama: the Cambridge police acted stupidly for arresting a brother for entering his own motherfucking house - I mean all this was all
covered in the movie Soul Man for christ’s sake

C Thomas Howell: amen bro - catch me on Southland

Q: I’m black and now I’m going to back in my White House and watch America's Got Talent and make sweet love to my beautiful black wife in the motherfucking Lincoln bedroom

good night white fuckers!

By Culture of Truth


Kevin Thomsen said...

Best. Post. E.V.E.R.

rock on

George said...

howz I post ths shiz on facebook?

Anonymous said...

copy the URL and paste it into your status thingy

Anonymous said...

AWESOME! That was the closest I've ever come to actually peeing my pants from laughing so hard.

Anonymous said...

upchuck toddster has 2 first names too! WTF w/ whitehouse reporters? Is 2 names a requirement?

Anonymous said...

Thnx for the best laff of the week, MF. Showing some luv.

catnapping said...

I laughed so hard I had to change my Attends!

Anonymous said...

Being a proper English speaker, your lack of grammar and punctuation sometimes distracted me from your very fine satirical constructs.