Guests:
Hillary
Clinton
Bernie
Sanders (I-VT)
Donald
Trump
Robert
Gates
Chris
Cilizza
Kristen
Welker
Kasie
Hunt
David
Brooks
Todd:
omg it Washingon it
snowed
like a motherfucker!
Todd:
the Establishment hates
Ted
Cruz so much they may back Trump
Todd:
and the Democrats are
panicking
over Sanders
Todd:
Hillary is losing a exciting
lefty
idealist – it's just like 2008!
Todd:
and omg Mike Bloomberg may run!
[ break ]
Todd: welcome Madam Clinton
Clinton:
good morning Chuck
Todd:
how can you be losing to a
74
year -old Jewish socialist from Vermont?
Clinton:
it's so exciting! I love it!
Todd:
please
Clinton:
this is so much fun!
Todd:
oh really
Clinton:
look I just don't think
we need
a revolution –
they're messy and
you usually
end up with Napoleon or
Lenin in charge
Todd:
is this 2008 all over again?
Clinton:
I feel great!
Todd:
you do?
Clinton:
caucuses are the best!
Iowa
in January is awesome!
Todd:
you have a great of experience
which
is bad
Clinton:
you're electing a commander-in-chief
– not
your favorite slightly crazy
usually cranky college professor
Todd:
right
Clinton:
I was Secretary of State
for
pete's sake!
Todd:
you and I both know you can
only
get one thing done as President
Clinton:
what the hell would
you know about it?
Todd:
um I have a goatee
Clinton:
you should get rid of that by the way
Todd:
what is the one thing you
want get done as President?
Clinton:
During this campaign I've met
people
who are off their medications
Todd:
so have I and they were all
running
the Republican nomination
Clinton:
ha
Todd:
okay so you want
cheaper
drugs – don't we all
Clinton:
but we also need to create more jobs
Todd:
there's another good idea
Clinton:
and also take on the fat cats
Todd:
drugs, jobs, cats – got it
Clinton:
oh there's more Ted
Todd:
why did Goldman Sachs pay
you
$250,000 for a damn speech
Clinton:
I happen to be a riveting speaker
– I
tell a great tale about how we caught
Osama bin Laden
Todd:
how did you get him?
Clinton:
he put in a large taco order
for himself and all his wives under the
name 'Homer Simpson'
Todd:
isn't a quarter million
dollars
for talking legal bribery?
Clinton:
I was talking about
mortgage
abuse in 2006!
Todd:
good for you
Clinton:
I will take on all of Wall Street
and
all the little side street and lanes
and
avenues and boulevards too
Todd:
are you concerned that the FBI
will
charge you over your e-mails?
Clinton:
nope
Todd:
not at all ?
Clinton:
the Republicans admitted
Benghazi hearings
were to stop
me from being President
Todd:
yeah I forgot about that
Clinton:
now Chuck Grassley wants to
use
the FBI to take me down – that old
fossil doesn't
know who he's dealing with
Todd:
Mike Bloomberg may run for President
Clinton:
he's a good buddy of mine
Todd:
are you worried?
Clinton:
he will only run if I'm not the
nominee
well he doesn't have to worry
– I
will win one way or the other
Todd:
thanks for coming
[
break ]
Todd:
welcome Bernie Sanders
Sanders:
hiya Tim
Todd:
Claire McCaskill says the
GOP
will call you a communist
Sanders:
I would love to run against Trump!
Todd:
oh
Sanders:
he thinks wages
are
too high which is not true
Todd:
not a single Democratic Governor
or
Senator has endorsed you
Sanders:
I'm taking on the political
and economic and
corporate and
media establishments
Todd:
wow
Sanders:
I'm taking on Big Money
and
Big Pharma and Big Bird
Todd:
ambitious
Sanders:
we are creating a Revolution!
Todd:
goodness
Sanders:
it's time to take on the
big
banks and and Wall Street!
Todd:
you want to overturn everything
but
you're not for reparations for
African-Americans
Sanders:
because we have poverty
in
the African-American community
Todd:
I see
Sanders:
we should put our
kids
to work instead of jail
Todd:
but what about reparations?
Sanders:
we have to invest in the future!
Todd:
got it
Sanders:
I want to raise the minimum
wage
and create millions of jobs!
Todd:
you can't get reparations
through
Congress but that's true
for
all your other ideas as well
Sanders:
80% of people don't vote and
that's
how billionaires buy elections!
Todd:
I don't vote because I once got
trapped in a booth and now I have a phobia
Sanders:
I am trying to change
American
politics forever!
Todd:
do you still think the
Democratic
party is useless?
Sanders:
not entirely
Todd:
if you get the nomination Mike
Bloomberg
will run just to stop you
Sanders:
I will take on two billionaires
if I have to!
Todd:
thanks for coming
Sanders:
you too Chet
[ break ]
Todd:
omg every GOP candidate
is
attacking everyone else
Trump:
Ted Cruz loves immigrants!
Cruz:
Trump evicts elderly windows!
Todd:
good morning Mr. Trump
Trump:
I never bulldozed that
old lady's house!
old lady's house!
Todd:
but you wanted to
Trump:
without eminent domain you
wouldn't
have a country you losers
Todd:
Ted Cruz says you're support
liberal
Jews and Italians from New York City
Trump:
some of my best friends are mobsters
Todd:
that's an anti-Italian stereotype
Trump:
I was talking about the Jews
Todd:
what about Ted Cruz
Trump:
he's a stupid unpopular loser
Todd:
that's true
Trump:
nobody likes him – not one GOP
senator
backs him and they know him best
Todd:
you used to like Ted Cruz
Trump:
he followed me around
like
a little puppy – in fact that's
why
I kicked him
Todd:
gosh
Trump:
he's a nasty person
Todd:
you wouldn't vote for him?
Trump:
only because he's Kenyan
Todd:
Canadian
Trump:
whatever
Todd:
fair enough
Trump:
how can you vote an
illegal
immigrant for President?!?
Todd:
The National Review says
you're
not a real conservative
Trump:
well I am
Todd:
I see
Trump:
that is a failing magazine full of losers
Todd:
you used to be a liberal
Trump:
Reagan was a liberal democrat
Todd:
all right then
Trump:
I've evolved and so has
Ted
Cruz who is an illegal
immigrant by the way
Todd:
actually he's not-
Trump:
Ronald Reagan!
Todd:
the Clintons have released all
their
tax returns going back to 1977
when
all their income came from selling
bootleg
Grateful Dead 8 tracks
Trump:
my taxes are beautiful!
Todd:
when will you release them
Trump:
you have to understand I do not
have
normal tax returns – most people do
not
count 'gold faucet depreciation'
or
claim Sarah Palin as a dependent
Todd:
that's likely true
Trump:
I hate the government!
Todd:
don't we all
Trump:
they give my money to Iraq and Iran
Todd:
and going to have to check that
Trump:
that's my money and
they
give it away to terrorists
Todd:
I see
Trump:
I try to pay no taxes!
Todd:
Mike Bloomberg hates you so
much
if you get the nomination he will
spend
a billion dollars to stop you
Trump:
he used to be a friend
of mine but not now
Todd:
too bad
Trump:
I would love to see him run!
Todd:
why?
Trump:
because he's a lovely man
and a good friend
Todd:
well thanks for coming
[
break ]
Todd:
Republican primary voters
are
worried about electability
Todd:
but who is the most un-electable?
Todd:
we know that no one likes Ted Cruz
Todd:
but people really hate Donald Trump
Todd:
Trump is negative 72 points
among
African Americans!
Todd:
Cruz's worst numbers are still
better
than Trump's best numbers!
That's crazy!
Todd:
omg the Establishment is
backing
Trump over Cruz
Todd:
it's getting nasty out there
Cruz:
the Beltway Establishment
is out to get me
Trump:
he's an idiot
Cruz:
he's a liberal Pelosi-lover
Trump:
he's a jerk and no one like him
Todd:
David Brooks you're begging
the
GOP to reject them both
Brooks:
yes I hate them Cruz and Trump
Todd:
amazing
Brooks:
I like Rubio he's reasonable
Todd:
on Christmas Eve he bought
a
gun to protect his family from ISIS
Brooks:
Obama's recession led to Trump!
Cillizza:
you can't get rid of Cruz
then
get rid of Trump – if you kill Cruz
Trump
will be your nominee!
Todd:
the Establishment
just
can't find a candidate
Hunt:
Trump is a crazy racist but
Ted
Cruz is a horrible person
Welker:
the Establishment is saying
'at
least Trump is a dealmaker'
Brooks:
that is so fucking dumb
Cillizza:
omg I'm gonna plotz
Brooks:
Trump is going to occupy
the
same job as Abe Lincoln – I don't think so
Cillizza:
is Trump capable of empathizing
with
victims of a tragedy or will he try to
sell
them a time-share while they're grieving?
Hunt:
no one can beat him
Welker:
by the way he's going to win Iowa too
Todd:
people in Iowa are stupid
Brooks:
people in the later
states are much smarter
Todd:
right
Brooks:
also there will probably be
a
new war in the middle east which
will
help Marco Rubio
Todd:
of course
[
break ]
Todd:
welcome Bob Gates
Gates:
good morning Charles
Todd:
what do you look for in a President
Gates:
someone with experience
in
the federal government and not some CEO
Todd:
Ted Cruz and Donald Trump
want
to carpet bomb and seize the oil
Gates:
they're fucking idiots
Todd:
voters love them
Gates:
we need coalitions but we can't
form
them until everyone in Washington
agrees
with each other
Todd:
like under our greatest
leader
of them all Gerald Ford
Gates:
I love that man
Todd:
but he was never even elected
Gates:
Truman was an asshole
but
he almost won the Korean war
Todd:
people hated his guts
Gates:
that's true
Todd:
I assume you love Mike Bloomberg
Gates:
no I just said we don't need
CEOs
with no federal experience
Todd:
but you must like him
Gates:
I must?
Todd:
you must – you literally must like him
Gates:
I just want a President who can
bring
us all together and teach us the Force
so
we can fulfill our destiny
Todd:
wise words indeed
[
break ]
Todd:
what do you think of Sanders vs Clinton
Brooks:
he's like a chinese menu
– he's filled with joy
Hunt:
Clinton didn't answer your
stupid question
about the one
thing she wanted to do
Todd:
yeah blathered something
about
health care which is stupid
Cillizza:
getting health care is so 90s
Todd:
it's very retro
Cillizza:
Sanders is beating her
like
Obama did – its deja vu all over again
Todd:
except Sanders is even
whiter than she is
Welker:
she has a black firewall
Todd:
but no one likes her
Brooks:
she lacks joy
Todd:
right
Todd:
but a terrorist will murder
some
people and she will look better
Cillizza:
if she loses Iowa and
New
Hampshire she's doomed
Todd:
Bill Clinton lost both and still won
Cillizza:
he had his own
Sanders
and his own billionaire
Welker:
being authentically
herself
is not easy for her
Todd:
true
Welker:
but she's copied
Obama's
ground game in Iowa
Brooks:
For five years I've said
Bob
Gates should be President
Todd:
who?
Brooks:
the guy you just interviewed
Todd:
oh right – I thought he
would
endorse Bloomberg
Brooks:
some part of the country wants
to
elect a non-lunatic and those people
will
vote for Hillary
Todd:
and that's another
episode
of Meet The Press
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