Sunday, November 09, 2014

Face The Nation - November 9, 2014

President Barack Obama
Former President George W. Bush
Bob Woodward
David Gergen
Michelle Norris
Peggy Noonan

Schieffer: thanks for inviting
me Mr President

Obama: thanks for coming Bob

Schieffer: you doubled
U.S. troops fighting ISIS in Iraq

Obama: ISIS has Saddam's
old military commanders
they're very wily

Schieffer: that's so scary

Obama: we're going on the
fucking offense now Bob!

Schieffer: sounds promising

Obama: but Iraqi troops must
be the ones fighting ISIS

Schieffer: will U.S. troops fight with them?

Obama: no – it's time for Iraqi troops
to grow up and take the training wheels
off and fight ISIS on their own

Schieffer: is that a good idea?

Obama: yes because Americans
can kill anyone anywhere anytime
but then we leave wherever
we invaded and the domestic
troops left behind become sniveling weaklings

Schieffer: Harry Reid's staff blamed
you for all the losses on Tuesday

Obama: yes I feel terrible for
creating 10 million jobs

Schieffer: that sounds like
a lot but we're a nation of 300 million

Obama: that's more jobs than every
other advanced nation combined

Schieffer: are you counting the French

Obama: we've all got to
make Washington work

Schieffer: every successful President
enjoys politics but you don't twist
arms or even seem to like being President

Obama: if your name is Barack
Hussein Obama if you go into
politics you better like it

Schieffer: I don't follow

Obama: I didn't get into politics
because of my family name

Schieffer: oh I see

Obama: and by the way we
did twist some arms to pass
stimulus and Obamcare

Schieffer: fair point

Obama: oh and also if I'm so bad
at politics how did I win two elections
to the most-sought after office in America?

Schieffer: I'll give you that

Obama: look we have to tell
people what we've done right

Schieffer: what criticisms of
you are correct?

Obama: I just mentioned one

Schieffer: name another

Obama: I suppose I could reach
out to the GOP even more although
they are all fucking crazy

Schieffer: why not give the GOP
a chance to pass immigration reform?

Obama: they've had six years to
do what everyone knows we need to do

Schieffer: ok but other than
that what's the rush

Obama: eleven million people
are in limbo and we can't
deport all of them

Schieffer: maybe not

Obama: We worked hard to create
a bipartisan bill and by some miracle
it passed the Senate and John Boehner
wouldn't even let his members vote on it

Schieffer: so are you saying
the time has run out for Congress
to pass a law

Obama: no – I'm going to use
Executive action and I also expect
them to pass an immigration reform bill

Schieffer: you don't mean both?

Obama: oh yes I do

Schieffer: what a crazy idea

Obama: a law would override
any executive action on my part
so they should want to do it

Schieffer: we're going to have to
take a break while I try to conceptualize
this weird idea that Congress can
pass laws even after executive action

[ break ]

Schieffer: you sent a letter to
the leader of Iran – did he text you back?

Obama: we've done more than
any other administration to stop
Iran from getting a nuclear bomb

Schieffer: so you say

Obama: we added more sanctions
and their economy tanked and
they cried uncle

Schieffer: wow

Obama: now we are getting
them to promise not to make
a bomb and we may lift the sanctions

Schieffer: all right then

Obama: but we need their help
with ISIS if you catch my drift

Schieffer: I hear you

Obama: so thanks again for invading Iraq
it really is the gift that keeps on giving

Schieffer: what about Assad –
have you given up on getting rid of him

Obama: yeah we're all about ISIL now

Schieffer: who?

Obama: you know them better
as Puff Daddy ISIS

Schieffer: you had a crazy-ass
summer with ebola and ISIS and
Derek Jeter's transfiguration

Obama: true but we've seen
tough times before like just before
I was sworn in and the whole 
world was in a depression

Schieffer: oh yeah I forgot all about that

Obama: for example we've also 
pretty much resolved ebola

Schieffer: oh yeah right – what is
that again a disease or something

Obama: remember we fixed
the Gulf oil spill too

Schieffer: I don't even remember that

Obama: I tell my team just work
hard every day and it will all work
out and I'm going to keep
Presidenting till the very end

Schieffer: what are your plans
for the next two years?

Obama: what do you mean?

Schieffer: like will you change
everything you've been doing?

Obama: um no Bob

Schieffer: oh c'mon the media are bored

Obama: I'll try to think of something 
to entertain you

Schieffer: you ran on hope and change
is change harder than you thought?

Obama: I always knew change would be hard

Schieffer: you were right 
about something then

Obama: but change is also inevitable

Schieffer: I suppose that's true

Obama: I'm proud we've added
jobs faster than anyone else
and provided health care –
that was change and it's good

Schieffer: well okay

Obama: the American people
give me hope – no matter how
much shit gets piled on them they
just keep plugging away

Schieffer: pretty amazing
when you think about it

Obama: America is all about 
change and we don't fear 
the future – we grab it!

[ break ]

Schieffer: will your little brother 
run for President?

Bush: I hope he runs and I think
he'd be a better President even than me

Schieffer: you're settin' the bar kinda low

Bush: heh heh

Schieffer: what are the
chances that he runs?

Bush: I think it's about 50/50
or a possibly even a toss up

Schieffer: what's the best argument for Jeb?

Bush: he's not afraid to fail!

Schieffer: is it worth humiliating
your family just to be President

Bush: oh yes absolutely –
in fact that's the motto on
the Bush family crest

Schieffer: it was tough for you
to watch your Dad lose his
re-election bid

Bush: yes in fact it was easier
for me to fail epically than
for me to watch him fail

Schieffer: I can see that

Bush: but I did worry about my
daughters watching me wreck the country

Schieffer: I suppose that's a
problem each Bush generation
must deal with in turn

Bush: indeed it is Robert

Schieffer: would George H.W. Bush
have won without Ross Perot
splitting the anti-Bush vote?

Bush: yes because my dad had a
great first term and then there
would have been a clear choice
for those who were didn't like the
direction of the country but were
uncertain about an untested Governor

Schieffer: that makes no sense

Bush: don't mess with Texas!

Schieffer: your Dad went from 90%
approval to losing re-election
to a guy from Arkansas who grew
up in trailer park and had a string of affairs

Bush: that showed me that people
love war so you should have
several going on at once

Schieffer: you insist you didn't
invade Iraq just to finish the
job your daddy failed to do

Bush: that's right – I invaded Iraq
because Saddam was behind 9/11

Schieffer: but that isn't true

Bush: My dad was right not invade
Iraq and was I right to invade Iraq
and if Jeb builds a time machine to
preserve the Ottoman empire that
will also be right

Schieffer: were you surprised
Saddam Hussein didn't respond
to your ultimatum?

Bush: yes if he had only produced
his weapons of mass destruction
I wouldn't have invaded his country

Schieffer: but he didn't have any

Bush: that's a very poor excuse

Schieffer: good point

Bush: Saddam chose war!

Schieffer: can America survive
another Bush Presidency?

Bush: only one way to find out Bob

Schieffer: can your family survive it?

Laura Bush: the internet is full of vicious 
twitterers and bookfacers

Schieffer: yes it seems politics is so mean now

Bush: right – people can
say any outrageous thing and
never be held to account for it

Schieffer: like with the Swift Boating

Bush: exactly

Schieffer: will you campaign for Jeb?

Laura: confidentially Bob joining this
family has been an unending nightmare

Bush: I definitely will – the country
could use another optimistic
idiot impervious to all reason

Schieffer: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Schieffer: gosh George Bush
looks great doesn't he?

Norris: sure now he's out office

Noonan: retirement is a lot easier
than fighting wars and controlling
ebola and losing the midterms

Woodward: Obama didn't use
the word 'listen' which is appalling

Gergen: everyone loves
George W. Bush now that he
can't wreck the country anymore

Schieffer: good point Gergs

Gergen: Obama is very calculated
in the words he uses

Schieffer: well he is the
President of the United States

Gergen: maybe but Bush is
just more fun to be around

Noonan: Obama isn't going to change
so we're just going get more of the
same last six years of job growth
which we just can't afford

Norris: don't count Obama out –
he's a competitive guy

Gergen: Obama is going to
throw out a hand grenade!

Schieffer: even the Washington Post
attacks Obama and they're liberals

Woodward: I work at the Washington Post
and even I think that's bullshit

Schieffer: really?

Woodward: yes it's been a
conservative newspaper for years

Schieffer: oh I stopped
paying attention in 1975

Woodward: well it is and by the
way Obama has a pretty good
economic track record

Schieffer: hmm maybe the GOP
bears some blame too

Norris: the GOP wants
to be less immature

Woodward: but Obama is the
boss of Washington so GOP
intransigence is all his fault

Schieffer: how come no one is
talking about Obama putting
some more troops in Iraq

Noonan: the timing of that
announcement is very suspicious

Schieffer: for reals Peggers?

Noonan: the GOP made clear
Obama is going to poison the well
which made me so sad I had
to make myself another martini

Gergen: the President is a loser
so he must be graceful and not
spit in the Republican's face

Schieffer: shouldn't Harry Reid resign?

Woodward: yes because Obama
won't listen to anyone and also
he's uppity and not humble enough

Schieffer: so true

Woodward: I think Obama is
capable of abasing himself
before the Beltway press
corps which is all we ask

Norris: um can I just say that is
utter bullshit and if he ever
showed the slightest humility
all of you people sitting at this
table would call the President weak

Noonan: moi?

Norris: damn fucking right
you drunken hypocrite

Schieffer: Michelle may
have a point there

Gergen: leave me out of this

Woodward: don't look at me Bob

Schieffer: and that's this week's
episode of Face The Nation


Anonymous said...

confidentially, Bobblespeak, following the Sunday shows without you has been an unending nightmare.

Reading your blow by blow at the end, I could only dream of you someday translating newly elected Republicans or presidential contestants.

Culture of Truth said...

Thank you! I'm baaaack!

Pere Ubu said...

YES YES Our long national nightmare is ov- oh, wait, it's just started, but we have CoT back, so that's positive. ;)

Schieffer: yes it seems politics is so mean now

Bush: right – people can
say any outrageous thing and
never be held to account for it

Schieffer: like with the Swift Boating

Bush: exactly

I don't know if the actual exchange was that awesomely ironic, but I'm going with the Shorter on this one.