Sunday, April 24, 2011

This Week with Christiane Amanpour -- April 24, 2011

Rev. Franklin Graham
Rev. Tim Keller
Dr. Richard Land - Southern Baptist Convention
Rev. Al Sharpton
Eboo Patel - Interfaith Youth Core
Cokie Roberts
Steve Roberts

Amanpour: what is Easter all about?

Graham: Jesus paid off all my debts

Amanpour: ooh could he do that for America?

Graham: it’s worth a try

Amanpour: you say the Anti-Christ is back and bigger than ever

Graham: yes look at the tragic failure of government to endorse my religion

Amanpour: what is the role of the church now?

Graham: to answer that question I would say the government should not help poor people

Amanpour: you have been to the scene of numerous disasters like Haiti, Japan, and the NY Mets

Graham: According to the Bible the Second Coming is nigh when ‘the Spider-man shall descend from the sky with a mighty crash’

Amanpour: oh my

Graham: indeed proof we in the final stage of human history

Amanpour: really - how long do we have?

Graham: between 10 and 1,000 years

Amanpour: how do you know we are living in the End Times

Graham: there’s earthquakes, tidal waves, nuclear meltdowns and Dancing with the Stars

Amanpour: you say the Antichrist is here and living among us

Graham: it’s a big government socialist with the mark of the beast

Amanpour: do you know who it is?

Graham: well the night Obama won the election the first thing he did was announce he was getting a dog

Amanpour: you seem to really believe in all this

Graham: I believe in the Bible cover-to-cover!

Amanpour: even the Book of Revelations?

Graham: ‘verily I beheld a great Red Dragon clad in red socks start the season 0-6’

Amanpour: What makes you think Jesus will return now?

Graham: because everyone has cell phones and is on YouTube!

Amanpour: so Jesus will send a universal text message

Jesus: yo whats up im bak 4 reals

Amanpour: or post a viral video

YouTube comments:
lamest 2nd coming ever this dude sux lol

Graham: the world is going to moan

Amanpour: what exactly do you mean

Graham: During the Apocalypse Jesus will leverage social media

Amanpour: are you saying Jesus is going to be on twitter?

Jesus: hey every1 i need 144,00 follows thnx #jesussecondccoming

Graham: if you are saved he will poke or friend you

Amanpour: do you hate Muslims?

Graham: no I just think they are all going to hell where they belong

Amanpour: your dad Billy is America’s most famous Christian

Graham: my dad says he doesn’t recognize the America he knew anymore - when people were civil and polite and blacks and Jews and Papists knew their place

Amanpour: what about Sarah Palin?

Graham: She’s an idiot

Amanpour: maybe you prefer Mitt Romney

Graham: He’s a nice man for someone with a bizarre fake superstition who worships a false idol

Amanpour: well who do you support?

Graham: Donald Trump all the way Christiane

Amanpour: what do you think of Obama

Graham: Obama is gracious but he’s a socialist!!!

Amanpour: what’s the deal with all this Birtherism?

Graham: I know what room I was born in - does this darkie know from what hut he came into this world?

Amanpour: that’s a strong statement

Graham: that slick negro is hiding something I know it

Amanpour: some people even think he’s a muslim

Graham: Obama claims he’s a Christian but his middle name is Hussein - sorry I don’t buy it

Amanpour: anything else

Graham: he’s also a commie

Amanpour: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Amanpour: wow I’m shocked that religion is not dead

Keller: god rocks!

Amanpour: and people still believe in science

Keller: that’s your mushy middle

Amanpour: you say people like money too much

Keller: my investment banker congregation agree greed is bad

Amanpour: interesting

Keller: there’s nothing wrong with making money - just come to church too

Amanpour: if you question greed you will upset the American applecart

Keller: we live in a dog-eat-dog world

Amanpour: which caused the financial crisis

Keller: work with the poor and you will be happier in the long run

Amanpour: we have a lot of political polarization now

Keller: we used to all get along and now we don’t and that’s sad

Amanpour: right

Keller: We should not demonize each other -- you even have people now question whether a President is legitimate

Amanpour: I just talked to Franklin Graham and he believes we should be very civil and polite while questioning if our first black President is a real American

Keller: well between him and the Catholic church religion has gotten a bad rap lately

Amanpour: but in religion is all about politics

Keller: I have an idea - religion could be about God and not the tax code

Amanpour: Mr Keller that’s crazy talk

[ break ]

Amanpour: happy Easter everyone

Land: Obama is breaking the Ten Commandments by stealing from our grandchildren!

Steve Roberts: there is also a religious call for charity

Sharpton: make the rich pay their fair share!

Land: the rich are paying too much now!

Cokie: there are other values besides getting rich

Land: whaa??

Patel: I’m a Muslim but we like Jesus too

Land: Jesus was a anti-union capitalist!

Sharpton: dude he said a rich man can’t get into heaven!

Land: the Bible commands us to lower taxes on the rich!

Steve: are you for real?

Land: we need to keep the charitable tax deduction

Cokie: you are so wise

Land: we tithe but if you tax the rich they will not create jobs

Amanpour: Franklin Graham hates big government

Sharpton: how about religion advocating for the poor

Steve: if you tithe then why not tax people

Land: on this Easter Sunday let us admit we can no longer afford Medicare and Medicaid - praise Jesus!

Patel: interesting

Amanpour: what is the greatest spiritual issue in America?

Land: people need to ask God which Tea Party candidate they should support

Cokie: materialism is rampant

Steve: what my wife said

Sharpton: what if Christians actually followed Jesus’ teachings?

Patel: Faith can be a bomb or bridge

Amanpour: or a drone bombing a bridge

Amanpour: can religion help us have more civil political discussions?

Cokie: religion divides people but at least we’re not killing each other - yet

Amanpour: can religion unite us?

Land: we should not attack people’s motives when there are so many other reasons

Steve: religious people could be a little more humble

Land: those damm atheists are the most arrogant!

Sharpton: Vanity can outrun Sanity!

Land: Good line Al

[ high fives Sharpton ]

Sharpton: I was stabbed and testified for the guy who stabbed me

Cokie: that makes sense

Patel: we have an opportunity to be an example to the whole world of religions getting along

Cokie: In America we’ve had a civil war and then there was some incivility when black children were killed in for wanting basic rights - so things have been worse

Patel: Muslims are worried that it’s ok to hate them in America

Steve: yeah but we hated the Irish too

Patel: we have to push the pendulum

Amanpour: people think Obama is Muslim

Land: that’s unbalanced - he’s a mainline Chicago Protestant - which is worse

Steve: calling Obama a muslim is a metaphor to make Obama seem strange and weird and evil

Cokie: it’s a code for race - they can’t say they don’t like him because he’s black so they call him Muslim which is an acceptable slur

Patel: what a relief

Steve: 90% of young people are ok with interracial marriage - things are getting better and people are more tolerant than ever and that’s all kinds of cool

Amanpour: well ok then


1 comment:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Land: Jesus was a anti-union capitalist!

Yea, and Jesus said, "Go forth and worship the tax cuts, for the producers will go Galt if you do not."