Sunday, June 28, 2009

Meet The Press with David Axelrod, Lindsay Graham & Mitt Romney

Meet The Press
June 28, 2009
White House Advisor David Axelrod
Sen. Lindsay Graham
Fmr Gov Mitt Romney
Gregory: axel f you have a crazy energy bill

Axelrod: yeah it's awesome

Gregory: but the GOP says it's a jobs killing
jobs killer

Axelrod: um yeah meanwhile the polar bears are dying off faster than celebrities

Gregory: can you fail less on health care than
you have failed on energy?

Axelrod: oh we'll get a public choice plan and
we'll call it ‘competition’

Gregory: that’s what terrifies me

Gregory: Obama won't draw a line in the
sand but Dr. Dean did

Axelrod: if we don't have a public plan it won't be bad for the Democrats it will be bad for America

Gregory: to oppose a public plan because it will be both threatening and bad is not logical

Axelrod: the needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the few

Gregory: will you issue an ultimatum?

Axelrod: maybe

Gregory: will Obama ram it through?

Axelrod: he will fight

Gregory: but not demand it

Axelrod: jesus you are tiresome

Gregory: dood you passed a stimulus -
where are the jobs?

Axelrod: this is the worst recession in decades fool

Gregory: but you passed the stimulus
and unemployment went up

Axelrod: that's called economics 101 david look it up

Gregory: Buffet says we need more stimulus

Axelrod: well maybe we do

Gregory: so commit right now

Axelrod: you are an eminently silly person

Gregory: can you really engage with Iran since they
are acting like crazy people?

Axelrod: good point dancin dave but that's precisely why we have to talk to them

Gregory: but Members Only is all up in our face

Axelrod: who gives a fuck

Gregory: should there be consequences for
beating protestors?

Axelrod: if we really hated them we could send them the white house press corps

Gregory: what about Gov Sanford?

Axelrod: i don't give a fig about that loon

Gregory: midterm elections?

Axelrod: we would be in trouble if the GOP weren't the biggest bunch of dicks i have ever seen

Gregory: give me an example of their dickishness

Axelrod: well to be clear we will work with them on things like immigration but they have a tendency to be a little insane

Gregory: OMG you let Nico Pitney ask a question just because he has better sources than Chuck Todd

Axelrod: oh give me a fucking break

Gregory: but that's not democracy - a truly free country has an uninformed press

Axelrod: jesus christ

Gregory: was the significance of michael
jackson significant?

Axelrod: i heard you were a moron


Gregory: OMG after I repeatedly pressed him Axelrod said he might have another stimulus!

Graham: it’s was so very very sad - when
Obama passed a stimulus package he was just like Karl Rove

Gregory: clearly it was oversold!

Graham: I’m so upset at Obama’s failures to get Republicans to support him

[ wipes away tears ]

Gregory: so Obama has failed?

Romney: he failed to succeed to fail

Gregory: should Sanford resign?

Graham: why - just because he disappeared from the state and fled to his mistress in Argentina?

Gregory: um, yes

Graham: oh that's silly and I'm the Godfather!

Romney: whether he resigns is for
him and his family

Gregory: jesus christ he's the governor and he vanished from the state without telling anyone!

Romney: this is about a poor family suffering

Gregory: it’s not about an affair it’s about a Governor skulking around like Tim Matheson in Fletch

Romney: well that is a good point

Gregory: is the GOP still a party of values?

Graham: we're a party of sinners

Gregory: we all know that

Graham: but we're a party of good things and it's good to be good

Gregory: you voted for impeachment

Graham: yes but Clinton was very crude

Gregory: talk to me about family values

Romney: the GOP aspires to higher conduct for example we don't like it when men and women love each other

Gregory: but you sound like hypocrites

Romney: yes but must still unite in American around our hate for gay people

Graham: well Mitt I think it's stupid to say we're for families and Dems are not - I mean look at us and look at Obama

Romney: erp [ reboots self ]

Graham: the GOP would be in trouble but Obama is just like Karl Rove - so we're back in the game baby!

Gregory: Mitt you are dumb but you have big shoulders - are you running for President?

Romney: damm right - I'm going to win on school choice, increasing global warming, tax swaps and the other great ideas of Charles Krauthammer

Gregory: what about Sarah Palin?

Graham: who?

Gregory: who are your leaders then

Graham: me, John McCain, young people who will revolt against being given health care

Gregory: when do you stage your comeback?

Graham: 20 years from now

Gregory: will Obama get a public plan?

Graham: no that will nationalize health care - we will instead have a massive subsidy for health insurers

Romney: we can insure everyone without evil government

Gregory: but you lost on climate change

Graham: only because Obama is beating people up just like Hitler

Gregory: Obama is withdrawing troops from Iraq
like he said he would

Romney: no fair Obama is just doing what Bush was going to do if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!

Gregory: is Obama no longer passive and weak?

Graham: yes - and who better to judge than me?

Gregory: good point - what about
prolonged detention?

Graham: i think Bush should get a fair trial dave

Gregory: no i mean for Gitmo detainees

Graham: oh yeah sure whatever

[ break ]

Romney: [ removes battery, powers down ]

Gregory: wow that Sanford is a real piece
of work isn't he

Brooks: this is entirely excusable i mean he works hard and he is lonely white man

Gregory: he also sounds like a bad governor

Murphy: inside baseball blah blah blah

Gregory: one could almost think that Republicans are as bad as Democrats

Dionne: being a DC pundit i hate the idea of
people having sex at all

Myers: maybe he was a having a midlife crisis Brooksie but he also seems pretty dumb

Murphy: the Presidential race should
be very interesting

Gregory: yes the upcoming election
will be fascinating

Dionne: doods we just had a presidential election!

Brooks: the road back is to be boring - so we need
to nominate Mitch Daniels

Gregory: are you serious

Brooks: we may also need to deemphasize selfishness a little

Murphy: Obama is a terrible leftist which is bad for us because we will win the next elections too easily just being jerks

Dionne: Reagan is dead doods

Brooks: is he?

Dionne: Sanford turned down the stimulus
- that's the real scandal

Gregory: Dee Dee Obama is popular and successful on the one hand but then on the other hand Lindsay Graham doesn't like him so is he a total failure?

Myers: i want access to your brain dave

Gregory: will Obama fight for a public plan?

Murphy: it's a great tragedy that we may not require people to buy insurance and then funnel government money to insurers

Gregory: indeed it is

Murphy: single payer would crush the republicans because it would be popular but it would hurt Obama because I would haz a sad

Brooks: we should just give up trying to have any health care and start again in 20 years

Dionne: the GOP is desperate but guess what it's too fucking late - we're getting a public plan and you all are going to have to suck on it

Myers: we tried to ram a plan through in 1993
and it failed

Murphy: the great tragedy of Obama is that he
could pass George Bush's legislation but he
just won't do it

Brooks: i agree it's mystifying why he is not
doing what i want

Gregory: but Obama is a failure because he keeps failing to stem baseless GOP criticism of him which i repeat endlessly

Dionne: i can't improve on that Dave
Written by Culture of Truth


demit said...


PaminBB said...

"Axelrod: if we really hated them we could send them the white house press corps."

Now that would be an awesome move. If only!

commie atheist said...

Axelrod: um yeah meanwhile the polar bears are dying off faster than celebrities

It's starting to get a lot closer.

Erin B. said...

*clap, clap* Awesome!

Anonymous said...

absolutely brilliant doods!!

NBC said...

You keep violating our corporate copyrights with these verbatim transcripts, and you are going to be in serious legal trouble.

You've been warned.

captain furious said...

Wow. This is awesome.

My favorite moments:

1. "erp [reboots self]."

2. reagan is dead.
"Brooks: Is he?"

3. "i can't improve on that dave."

Although, really, every bit is priceless.

Thank you.