Sunday, March 02, 2014

Meet The Press – March 2, 2014

Bill Neely (NBC News)
John Kerry (U.S. Sec. of State)
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
Gov. Jerry Brown (D-CA)
Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake (D-Baltimore)
Chuck Todd
Kathleen Parker
Tina Brown
Harry Smith
John Ridley (screenwriter '12 Years a Slave')

Gregory: OMG one week after
the Olympics Putin has sent
troops to Crimea!

Audience: oh snap

Gregory: this is a direct
challenge to Barack Obama!

Audience: of course

Gregory: will Ukraine try to
annex Crimea?

Neely: Fluffy they pretty
much already have

Gregory: wow

Neely: Russia are taking over
much of the Crimea penninsula

Gregory: Secretary Kerry will we
impose costs on Russia for
invading our best friend Ukraine?

Kerry: this is in 19th century thinking

Gregory: it's like a bad game of Risk

Kerry: we could even someday
ban visas or freeze their assets

Gregory: tough talk

Kerry: look you just don't invade
another country on phony pretexts!

Gregory: yeah it's not like they
have WMDs or something

Kerry: zip it Fluffers

Gregory: will NATO lob bombs
to protect Kiev?

Kerry: several committees are
meeting right now to issue strongly
worded denunciations

Gregory: I see - what else?

Kerry: we're allied with Japan
against Russia!

Gregory: should the US go to
war to defend Ukraine?

Kerry: no but the Russian President
had a fucking galleon

Gregory: that was pretty awesome

Kerry: no – it was a kleptocracy!

Gregory: but those cars were so cool

Kerry: why would Putin ally himself
with this corrupt jackass when he
could back off and still keep his
navy bases in Crimea

Gregory: look am I going to get to
cover a war from the safety
of Washington or not?

Kerry: don't be daft Fluffy

Gregory: well what will 
you do then?

Kerry: Putin is in violation
of the Helsinki Act!

Gregory: you said this isn't about the
US vs Russia and yet conservatives
say Obama is a wimp

Kerry: you are an idiot

Gregory: but conservatives say Obama
didn't override Republican objections and
bomb Syria so Putin invaded Crimea

Kerry: Hey Fluffy maybe you missed
it but Obama got Putin's pet dictator
kicked out of Ukraine and he fled
with his tail between his legs

Gregory: maybe but now Putin
is pushing us around

Kerry: hell by the time Obama is done
kicking Putin's ass the ruble will be
worth less than a bitcoin

Gregory: isn't it true you support US
action in Syria to train fighters there
who don't know how to fire a gun?

Kerry: Russia claims they are worried
about Syrians but they support the
murderous dictator there

Gregory: Marco Rubio says we
are not friends with Russia anymore

Kerry: who cares what that child thinks?

Gregory: is this a moment of truth for Bibi?

Kerry: he's been courageous –
the Palestinians also need to step up too

Gregory: thanks for coming

Gregory: Marco Rubio how do you
answer the charge that Obama is
weak and a wimp and basically terrible?

Rubio: I must reluctantly admit
Obama is another Neville Chamberlain

Gregory: Bush looked into Putin's soul
and then Putin invaded Georgia
and Bush did nothing

Rubio: Russia lied!

Gregory: oh my

Rubio: Russia is a government of liars!

Gregory: please continue

Rubio: Russians are all liars!

Gregory: what if a Russian
said 'I am a liar'

Rubio: Fluffy you just blew my mind

Gregory: I ask you for blunt talk
is Russia an enemy of America?

Rubio: they are an enemy of the
US with regard to US national interests

Gregory: but don't you think
Obama is a terrible weak wimp?

Rubio: we must be tough and not weak

Gregory: I see

Rubio: we must strengthen Kiev

Gregory: should the US bomb Russia?

Rubio: are you insane Fluffy?

Gregory: just answer the
question Marco

Rubio: we should build a
missile defense shield

Gregory: please bash Obama
on Venezuela

Rubio: we must say we are
on the side of the students
marching in the streets

Gregory: should students be
allowed to vote?

Rubio: yes but only in
Venezuela and not here

Gregory: isn't religious freedom
being trampled under Obama?

Rubio: imagine if you were a wedding
photographer who hates gay people!

Gregory: that's a tough one

Rubio: look I don't hate gay
people but I worry about florists
who hate homosexuals

Gregory: can you run for President
even though you don't hate immigrants?

Rubio: I am sorry about that but if
we don't pass reform we'll never win again

Gregory: will you run for President in 2016?

Rubio: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: thanks for coming

Gregory: this is about Obama's
leadership pure and simple!

Todd: yes!

Gregory: Ukraine is about
whether Obama is a real man!

Todd: so true!

Gregory: I love it

Todd: Obama could be 
tougher but he is a wimp!

Gregory: yes!

Todd: Obama must act!

Gregory: Bush was tough
but maybe he was too tough

Brown: Putin outfoxes 
Obama all the time

Gregory: ha ha

Parker: Ukraine is really
about Obama vs Putin

Gregory: exactly

Parker: we must be tough!

Gregory: Obama must act but
if he does he will be overreacting!

Rawlings-Blake: what the hell
are you talking about?

Parker: because Obama must talk tough!

Rawlings-Blake: then what?

Goldberg: I asked Obama if not
bombing Syria emboldened Iran
and he said they fear me

Gregory: but Obama is weak!

Goldberg: he says Iran
buckled under his manliness

Gregory: but Putin attacked Crimea

Goldberg: the White House sees
a weak Putin panicking under
Obama's massive swinging power

Gregory: are the culture wars back?

Todd: Democrats hope so – it helps them

Gregory: the GOP wants to ignore
gays and talk about Obamacare

Parker: those mean Democrats
just want to talk about abortion

Brown: Jan Brewer told the zealots to stuff it

Parker: I don't get how could you
defend discrimination except
for forbidding marriage
to the wrong people

Blake: I just want to say
Baltimore is open for gays

Gregory: I am in love with Rand Paul

Todd: we all know that David

Gregory: he told the party not to
call Obama a subhuman mongrel

Todd: brave stance indeed

Gregory: but he did call Bill Clinton
a sexual predator ha ha ha

Goldberg: people once used
the Bible to defend segregation

Gregory: it's a good thing the
marriage at Cana was totally straight

[ break ]

Gregory: Jerry you had an epic
drought and now you have
way too much rain

Brown: we've got flooding but
we're still in the worst
drought since 1850

Gregory: yikes

Brown: also we now have more
forest fires and mudslides

Gregory: sweet jesus

Brown: you turned California around
what's the message?

Gregory: fiscal responsibility and
getting rid of Republicans
blocking sensible laws

Gregory: so you're saying
Obama is a bad President?

Brown: no Fluffy

Gregory: you used to be 'Governor
Moonbeam' and now you're respected

Brown: I'm older and wiser but
just as energetic and ambitious

Gregory: are the culture wars
back – please say yes

Brown: the wars against gays
and immigrants are over and we won

Gregory: what about marijuana?

Brown: a few hits a day is okay

Gregory: I mean should it be legal

Brown: we can legalize it but
not as much as the potheads want

Gregory: I guess not LOL

Brown: I mean you can't have
a great state if everyone is stoned

Gregory: can anyone stop Hillary Clinton?

Brown: no

Gregory: Chuck that guy is hilarious

Todd: you can't have everyone
stoned when Russia invades Crimea!

Gregory: omg

[ break ]

Smith: you wrote the screenplay 
for “12 Years a Slave”

Ridley: Solomon Northrup's writing was phenomenal

Smith: you learned a lot reading his book

Ridley: you learn how
brutal slavery really was

Smith: but Tavis Smiley is frustrated
because the wasn't about the present day

Ridley: I hope people will be moved
to think about what's going on in
the rest of the world today

Gregory: panel does '12 Years'
win the Oscar?

Parker: maybe

Goldberg: probably

Brown: they said 'Lincoln'
would win last year

Todd: American Hustle was
based on Abscam!

Gregory: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press

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