Sunday, May 19, 2013

Meet The Press - May 19, 2013

Dan Pfeiffer – White House advisor
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Rep. Dave Camp (R-MI)
Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA)
Donald Rumsfeld
Bob Woodward
Peggy Noonan

Gregory: OMG Obama is a under a huge
cloud of motherfucking scandal!!

Audience: wheeeeee

Gregory: hi dan

Pfeiffer: greetings Fluffy

Gregory: back at you pfeffy

Gregory: does Obama regard these
scandals as mere distractions?

Pfeiffer: no he doesn't - look
we're going to fix the IRS

Gregory: you don't believe Obama
presidency is basically over?

Pfeiffer: no look - the Republicans
always do this – they make shit
up and overreach and piss everyone off

Gregory: Dave Camp says all these little
scandals prove Obama was fixing the election

Pfeiffer: that's nonsense – Darrell Issa knew
about this since the spring and did nothing
because he was waiting for all the facts
which is the right thing to do

Gregory: but Obama could have
acted before getting all the facts

Pfeiffer: maybe that's how you work here
at 'Meet The Press' but that not how
we roll at the White House

Gregory: Michelle Bachmann has
called for impeachment

Pfeiffer: the IRS acts were outrageous
but no sorry Benghazi was not 
Watergate times a billion

Gregory: but Obama should have
interfered with the IRS earlier!

Pfeiffer: you don't want the President
involved with the IRS – that's why the IRS
is such a model of objectivity and efficiency

Gregory: but Obama is not in charge!

Pfeiffer: sure he is – he just respects the
independence of the IRS which is the law!

Gregory: but technically the IRS answers
to Obama by way of Treasury

Pfeiffer: the Commissioner was a Bush
appointee and the acting commissioner
was a career civil servant

Gregory: Congress was misinformed
by that lying Commissioner

Pfeiffer: well we fired both of their asses

Gregory: the Wall Street Journal says
this is Obama's fault because he's
always hating on conservatives

Pfeiffer: that's just ridiculous

Gregory: people blamed Bush for Abu Ghraib
just because he personally approved torture so
obviously Obama is to blame for what
happened at the IRS

Pfeiffer: yeah that makes sense

Gregory: we any mistakes made at all
at Benghazi or is it all political?

Pfeiffer: the GOP had these e-mails for months
but didn't get all outraged until Republicans
fed doctored e-mails to that idiot Jon Karl at ABC

Gregory: yes but critics say-

Pfeiffer: shut up

Gregory: critics say Obama used the phrase
'act of terror' which is a generic term

Pfeiffer: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: questions are raised about
accessing phone records

Pfeiffer: did you know national security
leaks are dangerous?

Gregory: so you say

Pfeiffer: Obama re-proposed the Shield Law

Gregory: is Obama's message to the
Republicans on the AP phone records
“put up or shut up” ?

Pfeiffer: let's just say we're all fascinated by
their sudden concern for freedom of the press

Gregory: thanks for coming dan

[ break ]

Gregory: Mitch do you believe 
there is big corruption here?

McConnell: did you know the FCC
is trying to ban criticism of Obama?

Gregory: really?

McConnell: and Obama demonizes opponents
which is a first in American history

Gregory: do you have any evidence to
back up your accusations?

McConnell: no

Gregory: so why are you making them

McConnell: Obama is running a nanny
state that says government knows best!

Gregory: that is scary

McConnell: gosh darn right it is

Gregory: in 1987 you called for investigating
leftist groups for abusing tax-exempt status

McConnell: maybe I wasn't clear before Fluffy
– Obama is a big nanny!

Gregory: so you said

McConnell: Obama has created a
Culture of Intimidation!

Gregory: it sounds very intimidating

McConnell: I was wrong 25 years ago
and I am right now!

Gregory: so would change the tax code at all?

McConnell: look 25 years ago it was right to
shut up leftists but now it's clear it's very
wrong to shut up conservatives

Gregory: do you support Obama 
on investigating leaks?

McConnell: sort of

Gregory: you support Eric Holder?

McConnell: national security leaks that could
endanger Americans are a serious matter

Gregory: including this one?

McConnell: I refuse to answer because
I can't stand that guy

Gregory: Obama tried to spin the cause
of an attack on a consulate!

McConnell: clearly we didn't have enough
security unlike when Bush was President
and all our embassies were perfectly safe

Gregory: isn't talk of impeachment a little crazy?

McConnell: no because Obama covered
up a terrorist attack by calling it an act of terror

Gregory: you are the GOP leader in the Senate
– are other Republicans going too far?

McConnell: no because four Americans
were killed and Obama lied to make
it seem like it wasn't a terror attack
and only an act of terror

Gregory: are comparisons to Watergate 
crazy or sane?

McConnell: we must investigate Benghazi 
more to find out!

Gregory: does it disqualify Hillary
Clinton from being President?

McConnell: my gosh the next election
is so far away

Gregory: do you think Hillary Clinton
got people killed in Benghazi?

McConnell: oh mah stars maybe

Gregory: will you run on Benghazi?

McConnell: no I'm running on repealing Obamacare

Gregory: I see

McConnell: Obamacare caused the
recession in 2008!

Gregory: thanks for coming Mitch

[ break ]

Gregory: how do you answer the charge
that Obama has a Culture of intimidation?

Camp: Congress has been trying to
get answers for two years!

Gregory: Congress asked for an 
IG investigation and got it

Camp: no that was an audit

Gregory: even so

Camp: Americans were targeted 
for their political views

Gregory: true but even Obama said
that was outrageous

Camp: that's not enough

Gregory: what should Obama have done –
meddled in the IRS business?

Camp: he should have known!

Gregory: how?

Camp: I don't know – we have questions!

Gregory: do you have evidence any Obama knew?

Camp: not yet!

Gregory: does this prove we should
revise the tax code?

Camp: yes the tax code is too complex and boring

Gregory: we all know that

Camp: this proves we should cut taxes
on rich people and raise them on poor people

Gregory: excellent

[ break ]

Woodward: this is not Watergate but it is Nixonian

Gregory: how so?

Woodward: they covered up Benghazi
by calling it an act of terror

Gregory: Peggy you said this is worse
than the invasion of Iraq or Iran-Contra
and Obama is dirty and crooked

Noonan: that's right David [ stirs drink ]

Gregory: Reagan ran a secret war to send
weapons to the Ayatollah – are you sure
that isn't a bit of an overstatement Peggers?

Noonan: I never heard of anything this
terrible in my entire lifetime! [ drinks ]

Gregory: for god's sake Peggy -
Richard Nixon authorized burglaries!

Noonan: no no no it's worse! [ swoons ]

Becerra: Peggy is drinking... the kool aid

Gregory: check her flask

Becerra: I agree with Young McConnell –
abuse of the tax code is the real issue

Gregory: will this cripple the President?

Camp: we must cut taxes on the rich!

Gregory: Bob was Bush innocent on Abu Ghraib?

Woodward: the President may want to
preserve agencies' independence
the issues but he's the leader

Gregory: but if Obama called the head
of the IRS you would attack him for 
being like Nixon

Woodward: the AP's phone records are sacred

Noonan: is he the President or not??

Gregory: but the President can't be
ordering the Attorney General
to investigate or not to investigate

Noonan: fine [ slams flask on desk ]

Camp: there was very bad management at least

Noonan: why not have an independent counsel?

Woodward: Obama is constitutionally responsible
for bad things and bad things are bad

Gregory: is he too passive?

Noonan: no – he is too aggressive!
Obama was giving orders to the IRS
to attack conservatives!

Gregory: thanks panelists

[ break ]

Gregory: you are the Sexiest 
Great-Grandfather alive

Rumsfeld: Great-Grandfather or 
Greatest Grandfather?

Gregory: what about the appalling
number of sexual assaults in the military?

Rumsfeld: I wish had the answers but I don't

Gregory: what about the culture of the military?

Rumsfeld: I have no idea –
I don't have the answer for that

Gregory: you're so wise

Rumsfeld: I don't know about that either

Gregory: you have a book called
'Rumsfeld's Rules' which is all
about accountability

Rumsfeld: yes I am

Gregory: IRS! Benghazi!

Rumsfeld: Obama seems not to care
about people dying

Gregory: coming from you that's just amazing

Rumsfeld: the truth is very important to me

Gregory: unbelievable

Rumsfeld: when trust is eroded
credibility is lost

Gregory: astonishing

Rumsfeld: we restored trust under Gerald Ford

Gregory: actually I was thinking of shattered
trust when Bush was President

Rumsfeld: you go with the difficulties
you have not the difficulties you want

Gregory: Dick Cheney says team Obama was lying

Rumsfeld: they changed talking points
on Benghazi - they were trying to create
a narrative that didn't comport with the facts!

Gregory: you mean like with 9/11, Tora Bora,
Afghanistan, Pat Tillman, WMDs, yellowcake, 
the cost of the Iraq war, troops needed to 
fight the war, Jessica Lynch, Curveball, 
Chalabi, body armor, the Iraq civil war...

Rumsfeld: I fail to see your point Fluffy

Gregory: and that's another episode
of Meet The Press


Zeta Gerkobo said...

Hmm.. is it like that?

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