Host: David Gregory
Guests:
Sec. of State Condi Rice
Andrea Mitchell
Erin Burnett
Michelle Norris
**************************
Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??
Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??
Gregory: um are you serious?
Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant
Gregory: who are those people
Rice: the live in a box under my bed
Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people
Rice: exactly
Gregory: Holy shit Bush said he wanted to be humble and not arrogant!! Were you out of your fucking minds??
Rice: well who among us has not completely fucked everything up for seven straight years??
Gregory: um are you serious?
Rice: people who say Africans and Arabs aren't capable of democracy or don't deserve rights are arrogant
Gregory: who are those people
Rice: the live in a box under my bed
Gregory: so to fight their arrogance we must bomb and torture innocent people
Rice: exactly
Gregory: you foreign policy sucked
Rice: well it's hard its not easy like being the best ice skater in Alabama
Gregory: any regrets
Rice: didn't stop genocide in Sudan
Gregory: so why didn't we do it?
Rice: well Bush thought about it?
Gregory: when?
Rice: on the 17th hole at Pebble Beach
Rice: hey we tried to stop genocide but we can't do much after all we're not members of the international criminal court
Gregory: because Bush refused to join
Rice: oh well sure
Gregory: so first Rwanda and now Darfur
Rice: yeah but we stopped Saddam's genocide in Iraq
Gregory: when was that?
Rice: in 1986
Gregory: when Rumsfeld shook his hand
Rice: never heard of him
Gregory: Iraqis are throwing shoes at Bush
Rice: yeah but Bush was standing next to our puppet regime!
Gregory: you say you are proud of screwing up in Iraq and would do 1,000 times over
Rice: oh well you have to take the long view the 9/11 hijackers came from there
Gregory: no they didn't
Rice: forget it i'm rolling
Gregory: ok
Rice: hey they're friends with Kuwait and Egypt now
Gregory: Egypt where Al Qaeda is from
Rice: exactly
Gregory: the President demanded optimism
Rice: that's true but it was fun we were all like mary tyler moore in Ordinary People
Gregory: tight lipped forced cheefulness
Rice: right we must never give in to pessimism and hand wringing
Gregory: is that why Laura looks like that?
Rice: I don't know about their family issues
Gergory: It sounds like a psychological mess
Rice: yeah but in 50 years things might get better
Gergory: what guidance did Bush tell you when Iraq was a total disaster?
Rice: he said he believed in freedom
Gergory: so he's just a moronic child
Rice: you have no idea
Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons
Rice: hee hee hee
Gregory: let's play hopscotch
Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion
Gregory: of course
Gergory: now that I have one last chance to interview Condi Rice - let me bash the the Clintons
Rice: hee hee hee
Gregory: let's play hopscotch
Rice: i was alabama state hopscotch champion
Gregory: of course
Gregory: how can you trust the north koreans
Rice: hey we were very resolute for 5 years
Gregory: then they built a bomb
Rice: no it was a crude nuclear device
Rice: we tested the korean soil
Gregory: ok ok you failed to stop Iran from building a bomb as well
Rice: no we were proved fucking right after all we sounded the nuclear bomb alarm and no one believed us
Gregory: and Iran now has influence in Iraq
Rice: yes but they failed to rule Iraq so that proves we won
Gregory: Obama won!
Rice: yes it says something about slavery as America's birth defect
Gregory: were you rooting for Obama
Rice: of course he's light years better than McCain
Gregory: what's next for you
Rice: I'm going to relive the glory days of 9/11 and talk about our lack of innocence and our need to invade other countries and torture people
Gregory: I'm sure your book will further that endeavor
Rice: I want to talk about how anyone can grow up to a disastous secretary of state if they are willing to tell drunken white privileged frat boys whatever they want to hear about how their dicks are bigger than some arab strong man
Gregory: well thanks very much for coming Condi it's been quite a ride
Rice: [ sobs ]
Gregory: car bailout?
Burnett: Republicans found a solution - kill unions - Obama should also take on unions to prove is independence
Norris: Obama has this crazy plan to build roads an schools and hospitals
Gregory: whacky!
Norris: Obama will have a lot of power for a liberals who hates economics
Gregory: can we incentivize the plan going forward?
Burnett: the core problem is we must reinflate the bubble!
Gregory: Blago says he is guilty... guilty of being adorable!!!
Marin: he's the son of a steelworker and quotes Kipling and he believes this shit
Gregory: wow
Marin: it's on baby -- Fitz vs. Blago!
Mitchell: this is crazy Illinois can't have a senator as long as Fitz is going after Blago
Gergory: so Balgo should appoint Fitz to the Senate
Mitchell: brilliant!
Marin: Daley said Blago should appoint Daley
Gregory: brilliant!
Marin: this is a 76 page charge he's screwed
Gregory: how fucked is Obama
Norris: it's tough he's innnocent because Obama told the truth but people didn't hear it
Gregory: because the american people have a hearing problem
Norris: right the media like dogs cannot hear high pitched sounds or the truth
Marin: the new standard is Obama must rush to the police any negotiations with Blago
Gregory: Caroline Kennedy ate at motherfuckin' Sylvia's!
Mitchell: fuck!
Gregory: she couldn't answer if Israel should negotiate with Hamas!
Mitchell: she won't support a non-existent democratic mayor for new york!
Gregory: wow!
Mitchell: don't fuck with Andrew Cuomo!
Gregory: let my quote Charles Manson and Krauthammer
Burnett: yeah but democrats Corzine and Bloomberg bought their senate seats!
Mitchell: what the fuck is Krauthammer's problem?? - it's an appointment!!
Gregory: Bloomberg says it's aristocratic
Mitchell: the billionaire who wants a third term???
Gregory: look at bernie madoff - if you can't trust a white man who can you trust??
Burnett: no one!
Gregory: John McCain was right Chris Cox should be fired!
Mitchell: all hail John McCain - but Bill Clinton is also to blame
Gregory: Obama's cabinet has not radical muslims!
Marin: it's too bad
Norris: a lot Westerners
Mitchell: it's fucking brainpowered meritocracy
Gregory: best and brightest
Burnett: it's all about jobs and labor - he's got fuck over the unions
Gregory: wow!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show - December 20, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
December 21, 2008
**********************
Matthews: OMG Obama is trying to control his press coverage!
Heileman: they're leak hunting and he media love them for it!
Cooper: they're tardy and tight lipped!
Tweety: wow
Cooper: they're cheating by speaking to the unamerican people
Matthews: in 4 months the media will turn on Obama - i got the memo from Mark Halperin
Klein: yeah i got that one too
Klein: Obama is a bad guy cause he wants to talk about issues and not irrelevant shit
Matthew: ha! we found his weak spot!
Kay: the media turned on Bush just because thousands of americans died
Matthews: when should we be combative and when should we fellate presidents?
Cooper: why not hold them accountable all the time?
Matthew: i thought maybe it was be nice to republicans and mean to democrats
Klein: no we need to be confrontational about stuff that matters
Matthews: that's crazy
Heileman: people hate the media and love bloggers
Tweety: oh noes!
Kay: Obama is sleazy cause we can trust his press secretary
Klein: Obama doesn't need us
Tweety: demit
Tweety: OMG this reporter DID have a follow-up!
[ multiple shoe throwing ]
Tweety: take that dan rather and brit hume! ha!
Matthews: Caroline Kennedy!
Klein: Hillary is a wonk!
Heileman: She's shy and she's in Obamamania!
Matthews: we must reduce all politicians to empty cliches!
Cooper: you guys are all idiots
[ everyone interrupts shouting ]
Matthews: let's face it it's all about war and peace
Kay: well then hillary was wrong
Klein: she's an amateur and i hate her and she's a girl
Kay: she's lame
Matthews: maybe we should consider that helen cooper is right and we are all idiots
Heileman: me no think like that
Klein: is gud kwestun
Kay: I'm hearing rumors that the ruling Arab families prefer Republicans
Twety: wow!
Klein: Me no like UN in Afghanistan
Cooper: Obama can't find a CIA director because the liberal bloggers hate anyone tainted by torture
Matthews: there are liberal blogger spies
Heileman: liberals like Solis and green shit
Matthews: those crazy liberals!
Tweety: OMG Obama is going to be tested by a fake international crisis!
Kay: i predict we won't be able to predict it!
Klein: Dood the crisis is the financial crisis
Cooper: Obama is studying a world map and calling general and reading Ghost Wars
Tweety: he's renting Ghostbusters?
Heileman: Obama has ice in his veins and the dude is fucking ready
December 21, 2008
**********************
Matthews: OMG Obama is trying to control his press coverage!
Heileman: they're leak hunting and he media love them for it!
Cooper: they're tardy and tight lipped!
Tweety: wow
Cooper: they're cheating by speaking to the unamerican people
Matthews: in 4 months the media will turn on Obama - i got the memo from Mark Halperin
Klein: yeah i got that one too
Klein: Obama is a bad guy cause he wants to talk about issues and not irrelevant shit
Matthew: ha! we found his weak spot!
Kay: the media turned on Bush just because thousands of americans died
Matthews: when should we be combative and when should we fellate presidents?
Cooper: why not hold them accountable all the time?
Matthew: i thought maybe it was be nice to republicans and mean to democrats
Klein: no we need to be confrontational about stuff that matters
Matthews: that's crazy
Heileman: people hate the media and love bloggers
Tweety: oh noes!
Kay: Obama is sleazy cause we can trust his press secretary
Klein: Obama doesn't need us
Tweety: demit
Tweety: OMG this reporter DID have a follow-up!
[ multiple shoe throwing ]
Tweety: take that dan rather and brit hume! ha!
Matthews: Caroline Kennedy!
Klein: Hillary is a wonk!
Heileman: She's shy and she's in Obamamania!
Matthews: we must reduce all politicians to empty cliches!
Cooper: you guys are all idiots
[ everyone interrupts shouting ]
Matthews: let's face it it's all about war and peace
Kay: well then hillary was wrong
Klein: she's an amateur and i hate her and she's a girl
Kay: she's lame
Matthews: maybe we should consider that helen cooper is right and we are all idiots
Heileman: me no think like that
Klein: is gud kwestun
Kay: I'm hearing rumors that the ruling Arab families prefer Republicans
Twety: wow!
Klein: Me no like UN in Afghanistan
Cooper: Obama can't find a CIA director because the liberal bloggers hate anyone tainted by torture
Matthews: there are liberal blogger spies
Heileman: liberals like Solis and green shit
Matthews: those crazy liberals!
Tweety: OMG Obama is going to be tested by a fake international crisis!
Kay: i predict we won't be able to predict it!
Klein: Dood the crisis is the financial crisis
Cooper: Obama is studying a world map and calling general and reading Ghost Wars
Tweety: he's renting Ghostbusters?
Heileman: Obama has ice in his veins and the dude is fucking ready
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Meet the Press - December 14, 2008
Meet the Press
December 14, 2008
Guests:
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan
Illinois Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn
Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm
Former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Wal-Mart President & CEO Lee Scott
Google CEO Eric Schmidt
*******************************************
Gregory: Will Balgo quit?
Madigan: either that or commit self defenestration
Gregory: the guy needs money
Quinn: as the lt. governor i hope he quits
Gregory: how objective of you
Gregory: but you're hardly objective
Madigan: fuck you
Gregory: but you want to be senator!
Madigan: watch it Gregory i have recordings of you too
Gregory: like what?
Madigan: you dancing with Karl Rove
Gregory: what knd of guy is Blago is like a good bad guy
Quinn: he's like a blundering crook in a ripoff of Pulp Fiction or Bottle Rocket
Gregory: interesting
Quinn: i like democracy but hey
Gregory: special election
Madigan: we are America's Taint
Gregory: OMG Rahm once had contacts with the Governor of his home state!!!
Todd: um so fucking what
Gregory: it's a huge scandal!
Todd: could be
Mitchell: it's huge!!!
Gregory: how is this a scandal?
Mitchell: because Rahm didn't have Jesse Jackson on his list
Gregory: holy shit!!
Todd: let's gossip more
Mitchell: pay to play is part of life
Gregory: like chuck schumer!
Todd: what's his crime then
Mitchell: he got caught
Gregory: does this ever happen in Washington?
Todd: yes chuck schumer!!!
Gregory: we won in Iraq just as Bush is leaving!
Todd: it's exciting
Gregory: People love Obama!
Todd: that was before Obama appoint Blago Secretary of Stealing
Gregory: why did the bailout fail?
Granholm: because Republicans hate working people
David: why else?
Granholm: the GOP hates America
Romney: Frankly we want all those companies to thrive
David: and how do we do that
Mitt: kill all those unions
Romney: even liberals like Jack Welch is against the bailout!
David: well I'm sold
Granholm: other countries subisidize health care you idiot
Mitt: not here they don't
Granholm: liar
Mitt: Legacy costs!
David: what are those?
Mitt: Elderly people eating Fancy Feast instead of Friskies
Gregory: isn't the real problem that American cars suck?
Walmart Guy: people are buying frozen food at Sam's Club
David: the Economy is in Total Suck Mode
Fiorina: oh pshaw its just a deepening recession
David: oh ok
Carly: the problem is rich unions ignoring the little guy
Gregory: explain the economy to me Mitt
Romney: Bush has lost 11 trillion dollars
Gregory: where did it go?
Romney: China and Saudi Arabia
Gregory: what's answer?
Romney: cut taxes and raise government spending
Gregory: but you are a conservative!
Romney: yes i hate it but i support military spending which at least will not help poor people
Walmart Guy: more Americans are drinking heavily, taking drugs and eating leftovers
Gregory: and that's just the Bush family
Google guy: America has sunshine!
Gregory: what are people looking for on the Internet?
Google CEO: people are searching for "discounts" "saving money" and "fuck george w bush"
Granholm: let the dirt fly!
Carly: business taxes are too high!
Gregory: wow let me put on my serious monkey face
Gregory: Should the government insure the value of overpriced McMansions??
Walmart Guy: um okay
Granholm: we should retrain auto workers to weatherize houses and empty bedpans
Gregory: awesome
Romney: Fuck George Bush what is waiting for??
Greory: uh i thought you like him
Romney: no we need to jump start the economy! Now!
Google Guy: i would rather live in a Depression in the US than well in Europe
Gregory: job security and gelato - who needs it??
Walmart Guy: that's right - this is no time to be self-serving -- that's why we reached out to Obama and pushed for tax cuts for businesses
Gregory: what do you want for xmas?
Granholm: an auto bailout, access to credit, consumer confidence and an Easy Bake Oven
Fiorina: consumer credit, banks lending to auto companies and a malibu barbie
Google dude: solar energy and a GI Joe
Romney: economic stimulus and an air rifle
Walmart Guy: Wal Mart moms spending more on crappy stuff and a tonka truck
December 14, 2008
Guests:
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan
Illinois Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn
Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm
Former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Wal-Mart President & CEO Lee Scott
Google CEO Eric Schmidt
*******************************************
Gregory: Will Balgo quit?
Madigan: either that or commit self defenestration
Gregory: the guy needs money
Quinn: as the lt. governor i hope he quits
Gregory: how objective of you
Gregory: but you're hardly objective
Madigan: fuck you
Gregory: but you want to be senator!
Madigan: watch it Gregory i have recordings of you too
Gregory: like what?
Madigan: you dancing with Karl Rove
Gregory: what knd of guy is Blago is like a good bad guy
Quinn: he's like a blundering crook in a ripoff of Pulp Fiction or Bottle Rocket
Gregory: interesting
Quinn: i like democracy but hey
Gregory: special election
Madigan: we are America's Taint
Gregory: OMG Rahm once had contacts with the Governor of his home state!!!
Todd: um so fucking what
Gregory: it's a huge scandal!
Todd: could be
Mitchell: it's huge!!!
Gregory: how is this a scandal?
Mitchell: because Rahm didn't have Jesse Jackson on his list
Gregory: holy shit!!
Todd: let's gossip more
Mitchell: pay to play is part of life
Gregory: like chuck schumer!
Todd: what's his crime then
Mitchell: he got caught
Gregory: does this ever happen in Washington?
Todd: yes chuck schumer!!!
Gregory: we won in Iraq just as Bush is leaving!
Todd: it's exciting
Gregory: People love Obama!
Todd: that was before Obama appoint Blago Secretary of Stealing
Gregory: why did the bailout fail?
Granholm: because Republicans hate working people
David: why else?
Granholm: the GOP hates America
Romney: Frankly we want all those companies to thrive
David: and how do we do that
Mitt: kill all those unions
Romney: even liberals like Jack Welch is against the bailout!
David: well I'm sold
Granholm: other countries subisidize health care you idiot
Mitt: not here they don't
Granholm: liar
Mitt: Legacy costs!
David: what are those?
Mitt: Elderly people eating Fancy Feast instead of Friskies
Gregory: isn't the real problem that American cars suck?
Walmart Guy: people are buying frozen food at Sam's Club
David: the Economy is in Total Suck Mode
Fiorina: oh pshaw its just a deepening recession
David: oh ok
Carly: the problem is rich unions ignoring the little guy
Gregory: explain the economy to me Mitt
Romney: Bush has lost 11 trillion dollars
Gregory: where did it go?
Romney: China and Saudi Arabia
Gregory: what's answer?
Romney: cut taxes and raise government spending
Gregory: but you are a conservative!
Romney: yes i hate it but i support military spending which at least will not help poor people
Walmart Guy: more Americans are drinking heavily, taking drugs and eating leftovers
Gregory: and that's just the Bush family
Google guy: America has sunshine!
Gregory: what are people looking for on the Internet?
Google CEO: people are searching for "discounts" "saving money" and "fuck george w bush"
Granholm: let the dirt fly!
Carly: business taxes are too high!
Gregory: wow let me put on my serious monkey face
Gregory: Should the government insure the value of overpriced McMansions??
Walmart Guy: um okay
Granholm: we should retrain auto workers to weatherize houses and empty bedpans
Gregory: awesome
Romney: Fuck George Bush what is waiting for??
Greory: uh i thought you like him
Romney: no we need to jump start the economy! Now!
Google Guy: i would rather live in a Depression in the US than well in Europe
Gregory: job security and gelato - who needs it??
Walmart Guy: that's right - this is no time to be self-serving -- that's why we reached out to Obama and pushed for tax cuts for businesses
Gregory: what do you want for xmas?
Granholm: an auto bailout, access to credit, consumer confidence and an Easy Bake Oven
Fiorina: consumer credit, banks lending to auto companies and a malibu barbie
Google dude: solar energy and a GI Joe
Romney: economic stimulus and an air rifle
Walmart Guy: Wal Mart moms spending more on crappy stuff and a tonka truck
The Chris Matthews Show - December 14, 2008
The Chris Matthews Show
December 14, 2008
******************
Matthews: OMG LBJ was just the man to happify a gloomy nation!!
Robinson: ha!
Matthews: people love Obama!!!
Mitchell: what's not to like!?!
Robinson: fuck the haters
Ceci C: what is Obama hiding?
Tweety: yeah!
Ceci: why hasn't Obama made peace between India and Pakistan
Sullly: oh yeah the tapes exonerate him never mind that Ceci
Ceci: but but but we are talking about it ergo Obama is a bad man!
Mitchell: yes Obama is a bad man because he is from Illinois!
Matthews: why does the Left hate Obama???
Sullly: he's not gay enough
Matthews: the Left!
Sullly: the Left hates torture
Matthews: give me an example
Sullly: your tv show
Ceci CCC: there are signs that Obama is not naive green or wet behind the ears
Mitchell: Teddy K and Daschle are trying to save their legacy
Sullly: just shovel it all at the right make them eat shit
Tweety: he reallly is a Kenyan Centrist
Mitchell: Republicans are buying into bailouts - they have really changed
Sullly: no they were always hypocrites Andrea
Tweety: that's true
Ceci: the real GOP hates deficits
Robinson: yes both Republicans left in America feel that way
Sully: Rush Limbaugh will obstruct efforts to crush Oxy
Matthews: how can we make fun of Obama ??
Robinson: he's black, he's cool, and he's awesome
Tweety: can he be funnny
Sullly: he's to dull
Tweety: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sully: he's not flawed enough
Mitchell: he won't sleep with me
Sullly: that's just good taste
Robinson: don't worry he will stumble
Tweety: i hope so!
Ceci: Rove will lead the fight against Holder
Matthews: wow
Robinson: Obama can't decide whether to swear in on a Koran or not
Mitchell: US will send Jonny Depp to get Pirates!! Arrrr!!!
Sullly: Obama will set up a Truth Commission to investigate torture
Tweety: in the Justice Dept ??
Sully: no in public you idiot
Matthews: OMG I love Dinah Shore
Robinson: i love the Jersey Shore
Ceci: i like hybrids
Matthews: like Obama
Gene: my little red corvette
Mitchell: i had a corvair
Tweety: no wonder Nader hates you
Andrea: no that's because i wouldn't sleep with him
Sullly: gay people are not allowed to drive in america
Tweety: '57 Chevy!
December 14, 2008
******************
Matthews: OMG LBJ was just the man to happify a gloomy nation!!
Robinson: ha!
Matthews: people love Obama!!!
Mitchell: what's not to like!?!
Robinson: fuck the haters
Ceci C: what is Obama hiding?
Tweety: yeah!
Ceci: why hasn't Obama made peace between India and Pakistan
Sullly: oh yeah the tapes exonerate him never mind that Ceci
Ceci: but but but we are talking about it ergo Obama is a bad man!
Mitchell: yes Obama is a bad man because he is from Illinois!
Matthews: why does the Left hate Obama???
Sullly: he's not gay enough
Matthews: the Left!
Sullly: the Left hates torture
Matthews: give me an example
Sullly: your tv show
Ceci CCC: there are signs that Obama is not naive green or wet behind the ears
Mitchell: Teddy K and Daschle are trying to save their legacy
Sullly: just shovel it all at the right make them eat shit
Tweety: he reallly is a Kenyan Centrist
Mitchell: Republicans are buying into bailouts - they have really changed
Sullly: no they were always hypocrites Andrea
Tweety: that's true
Ceci: the real GOP hates deficits
Robinson: yes both Republicans left in America feel that way
Sully: Rush Limbaugh will obstruct efforts to crush Oxy
Matthews: how can we make fun of Obama ??
Robinson: he's black, he's cool, and he's awesome
Tweety: can he be funnny
Sullly: he's to dull
Tweety: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sully: he's not flawed enough
Mitchell: he won't sleep with me
Sullly: that's just good taste
Robinson: don't worry he will stumble
Tweety: i hope so!
Ceci: Rove will lead the fight against Holder
Matthews: wow
Robinson: Obama can't decide whether to swear in on a Koran or not
Mitchell: US will send Jonny Depp to get Pirates!! Arrrr!!!
Sullly: Obama will set up a Truth Commission to investigate torture
Tweety: in the Justice Dept ??
Sully: no in public you idiot
Matthews: OMG I love Dinah Shore
Robinson: i love the Jersey Shore
Ceci: i like hybrids
Matthews: like Obama
Gene: my little red corvette
Mitchell: i had a corvair
Tweety: no wonder Nader hates you
Andrea: no that's because i wouldn't sleep with him
Sullly: gay people are not allowed to drive in america
Tweety: '57 Chevy!
Monday, December 08, 2008
Meet the Press - December 7, 2008
********************************
December 7, 2008
Guests:
President-Elect Barack Obama
David Gregory
************************************
Brokaw: Welcome Obama -- now tell us what really unpopular things are you going to have to do??
Obama: I'm going to do not just short term fun things but long term boring shit like bridges and repaving roads and medical records on your iPod
Brokaw: warp speed!
Obama: photon topedoes!
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: but pointing fingers is fun!
Obama: i have a crazy idea - maybe they can make a fuel efficient car people actually want
Brokaw: Should Jack Welch be out Car Czar?
Obama: let me answer the question this way -- Tom that is so fucking stupid only you could ask it
Brokaw: help me out here - what else can we do but put a White Man in Charge??
Obama: Tom look I like white dudes - my grandfather was a white man - but haven't white guys stolen enough tax money for one generation??
Tom: What about the current management in Detroit?
Obama: Dumbest bunch of white guys north of 14th street
Obama: I'm hoping to introduce a new ethic in businenss where the first priority is not steal everything not nailed down
Brokaw: how about taxing gasoline - get money and promote better behavior?
Obama: good idea but people have lost their jobs so it's not like the worker is whopping it up big time right now
Brokaw: but lazy americans!
Obama: should change their light bulbs
Brokaw: Mortgages!
Obama: I'm disappointed that Stupid isn't doing anything on this issue
Brokaw: he's busy doing interviews saying he's sad Sadddam Hussein attacked Pearl Harbor
Obama: well anyway I think we need to get banks and homeowners together and admit they both fucked up
Brokaw: did you call Stupid and tell him you are mad at him?
Obama: i tried but I called during "Heroes" and he hung up on me
Brokaw: what about all Americans trying to get a piece of the bailout pie
Obama: sure but first we have to put out the housing fire and reinflate the bubble!
Brokaw: so from now on no more misbehavior
Obama: right party is over - starting after the bailout
Brokaw: Please tell me you are not really going to raise taxes on middle class people making $200,000 year
Obama: i was going to cut taxes
Brokaw: that's not what i heard
Obama: i want to go to the tax rates of the '90s
Brokaw: the 1890s??
Obama: no Tom
Brokaw: dammit
Brokaw: you are engaging in class warfare
Obama: so who doens't love war
Brokaw: good point
Obama: poor people make less as America grows rich
Brokaw: Biden said paying taxes is patriotic - he can't mean that
Obama: hey it turns out greed and stealing isn't good for anyone
Brokaw: but it sure is fun!
Obama: Usury isn't really profitable
Brokaw: well that's a damm shame
Brokaw: is India in hot pursuit?
Obama: there are spicy terrorist across the border
Brokaw: kill kill!
Obama: i want to a foresighted three dimension foreign policy
Brokaw: ok dood - how many civillians are going to kill?
Obama: I'm going to write a number on this piece of paper and slip it over to you...
Brokaw: Will you appoint a Curry Czar?
Obama: well Hilllary and Susan and Joe and Jim and I don't need any help thanks
Brokaw: will you disppoint liberals by staying in Iraq please
Obama: I will wait until i am sworn in and then start to design a plan will haeve in it the beginning of a possibility of an eventual draw-down
Brokaw: ok um what
Obama: create a mechanism of ensuring that terrorism will not occur while refocusing on Afghanistan...
Brokaw: how do we win in Afghanistan
Obama: fight better battles and make peace between India and Pakistan and also make Afghanistan a nice place to live
Brokaw: oh is that all
Obama: dude only defeatists say it can't be done
Brokaw: but the killing!
Obama: we'll kill Osama
Brokaw: But we should stay forever!
Obama: oh wow you really are dumb
Brokaw: but we're white and we're here to help
Obama: uh-huh
Brokaw: Iraq Residual Force - 50,000??
Obama: Could be
Brokaw: how many
Obama: we'll leave a force of 20,000 ferrets
Brokaw: oh noes
Brokaw: will you meet with Iran?
Obama: yes but they are unacceptable so we will send them carrots and sticks
Brokaw: Iran is so mean!
Obama: sure but we have to be sensible and use our allies so dudes we can do this the easy way or the hard way
Brokaw: Russia
Obama: they are like Alaska - oil money has made the leaders there fucking crazy
Brokaw: Caroline Kennedy in the Senate?
Obama: you think I want to get involved in NY politics? Momma didn't raise no fool Tom
Brokaw: but it's fun
Obama: hey i like competent people
Brokaw: well you are different
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: Holy Shit the Hawaii Axis has begun
Obama: he covered up my birth certificate so he deserves it
Tom: but he said we would need 500,000 troops in Iraq
Obama: And he was proved fucking right
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: what kind of artists will you have in white house?
Obama: for a change i will celebrate science and jazz and learning and culture and poetry
Tom: motherfucker do you hate America??
Tom: have you stopped smoking
Obama: yes but i have fallen off the wagon
Tom: like when
Obama: right after this interview i'm going to get high
Tom: holy shit
Obama: suck it Tom - I'm the motherfucking President
Tom: Dancin Dave you have taking over a national institution
Gregroy: for the last few months we've had a normal person at Meet The Press - thank god our national nightmare is over
Tom: it's important for the whole nation to have a suck up dancing fool hosting this show
Gregory: you had relatively few stupid gotcha questions for Obama i was disappointed
Tom: well I'm new
David: this is a national treasure so we must ask idiotic questions and preen about how wonderful we are
Tom: try to write at least one book about how your father raised a terrific son
David: oh sure
Tom: well good luck I'm off to Montana
David: bye bye old man
Tom: warble warble
Gregroy: [ sniff ]
I'm miss that speech-impedified old doofus
December 7, 2008
Guests:
President-Elect Barack Obama
David Gregory
************************************
Brokaw: Welcome Obama -- now tell us what really unpopular things are you going to have to do??
Obama: I'm going to do not just short term fun things but long term boring shit like bridges and repaving roads and medical records on your iPod
Brokaw: warp speed!
Obama: photon topedoes!
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: how fast and how much will it cost??
Obama: oh we are going to move fast like Usain Bolt on crack - like Michael Phelps on speed
Tom: orsome
Obama: we're gonna inject a motherfucking transfusion into America!
Brokaw: does Detroit deserve to fail
Obama: yes they suck but that's not the point we have to give them money but also spank them at the same time
Brokaw: but pointing fingers is fun!
Obama: i have a crazy idea - maybe they can make a fuel efficient car people actually want
Brokaw: Should Jack Welch be out Car Czar?
Obama: let me answer the question this way -- Tom that is so fucking stupid only you could ask it
Brokaw: help me out here - what else can we do but put a White Man in Charge??
Obama: Tom look I like white dudes - my grandfather was a white man - but haven't white guys stolen enough tax money for one generation??
Tom: What about the current management in Detroit?
Obama: Dumbest bunch of white guys north of 14th street
Obama: I'm hoping to introduce a new ethic in businenss where the first priority is not steal everything not nailed down
Brokaw: how about taxing gasoline - get money and promote better behavior?
Obama: good idea but people have lost their jobs so it's not like the worker is whopping it up big time right now
Brokaw: but lazy americans!
Obama: should change their light bulbs
Brokaw: Mortgages!
Obama: I'm disappointed that Stupid isn't doing anything on this issue
Brokaw: he's busy doing interviews saying he's sad Sadddam Hussein attacked Pearl Harbor
Obama: well anyway I think we need to get banks and homeowners together and admit they both fucked up
Brokaw: did you call Stupid and tell him you are mad at him?
Obama: i tried but I called during "Heroes" and he hung up on me
Brokaw: what about all Americans trying to get a piece of the bailout pie
Obama: sure but first we have to put out the housing fire and reinflate the bubble!
Brokaw: so from now on no more misbehavior
Obama: right party is over - starting after the bailout
Brokaw: Please tell me you are not really going to raise taxes on middle class people making $200,000 year
Obama: i was going to cut taxes
Brokaw: that's not what i heard
Obama: i want to go to the tax rates of the '90s
Brokaw: the 1890s??
Obama: no Tom
Brokaw: dammit
Brokaw: you are engaging in class warfare
Obama: so who doens't love war
Brokaw: good point
Obama: poor people make less as America grows rich
Brokaw: Biden said paying taxes is patriotic - he can't mean that
Obama: hey it turns out greed and stealing isn't good for anyone
Brokaw: but it sure is fun!
Obama: Usury isn't really profitable
Brokaw: well that's a damm shame
Brokaw: is India in hot pursuit?
Obama: there are spicy terrorist across the border
Brokaw: kill kill!
Obama: i want to a foresighted three dimension foreign policy
Brokaw: ok dood - how many civillians are going to kill?
Obama: I'm going to write a number on this piece of paper and slip it over to you...
Brokaw: Will you appoint a Curry Czar?
Obama: well Hilllary and Susan and Joe and Jim and I don't need any help thanks
Brokaw: will you disppoint liberals by staying in Iraq please
Obama: I will wait until i am sworn in and then start to design a plan will haeve in it the beginning of a possibility of an eventual draw-down
Brokaw: ok um what
Obama: create a mechanism of ensuring that terrorism will not occur while refocusing on Afghanistan...
Brokaw: how do we win in Afghanistan
Obama: fight better battles and make peace between India and Pakistan and also make Afghanistan a nice place to live
Brokaw: oh is that all
Obama: dude only defeatists say it can't be done
Brokaw: but the killing!
Obama: we'll kill Osama
Brokaw: But we should stay forever!
Obama: oh wow you really are dumb
Brokaw: but we're white and we're here to help
Obama: uh-huh
Brokaw: Iraq Residual Force - 50,000??
Obama: Could be
Brokaw: how many
Obama: we'll leave a force of 20,000 ferrets
Brokaw: oh noes
Brokaw: will you meet with Iran?
Obama: yes but they are unacceptable so we will send them carrots and sticks
Brokaw: Iran is so mean!
Obama: sure but we have to be sensible and use our allies so dudes we can do this the easy way or the hard way
Brokaw: Russia
Obama: they are like Alaska - oil money has made the leaders there fucking crazy
Brokaw: Caroline Kennedy in the Senate?
Obama: you think I want to get involved in NY politics? Momma didn't raise no fool Tom
Brokaw: but it's fun
Obama: hey i like competent people
Brokaw: well you are different
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: Holy Shit the Hawaii Axis has begun
Obama: he covered up my birth certificate so he deserves it
Tom: but he said we would need 500,000 troops in Iraq
Obama: And he was proved fucking right
Obama: Shineski pissed on Stupid so he will be my head of Veteran's Affairs
Tom: what kind of artists will you have in white house?
Obama: for a change i will celebrate science and jazz and learning and culture and poetry
Tom: motherfucker do you hate America??
Tom: have you stopped smoking
Obama: yes but i have fallen off the wagon
Tom: like when
Obama: right after this interview i'm going to get high
Tom: holy shit
Obama: suck it Tom - I'm the motherfucking President
Tom: Dancin Dave you have taking over a national institution
Gregroy: for the last few months we've had a normal person at Meet The Press - thank god our national nightmare is over
Tom: it's important for the whole nation to have a suck up dancing fool hosting this show
Gregory: you had relatively few stupid gotcha questions for Obama i was disappointed
Tom: well I'm new
David: this is a national treasure so we must ask idiotic questions and preen about how wonderful we are
Tom: try to write at least one book about how your father raised a terrific son
David: oh sure
Tom: well good luck I'm off to Montana
David: bye bye old man
Tom: warble warble
Gregroy: [ sniff ]
I'm miss that speech-impedified old doofus
The Chris Matthews Show - December 7, 2008
*********************************
The Chris Matthews Show
December 7, 2008
*********************************
Matthews: OMG my 401k is in the hands of a black man!!
Heileman: The Man is fucking amazing and we all agree America is fucked
Mitchell: The Man is competent and can speak well
Matthews: we we wanted change and we're getting it
Kernan: Wall Street of course hates the liberal black man who wants to raise taxes but we have no choice but to back this guy - Jack Welch is a fucking socialist
Kernan: we need the B-52s to stimulate us
Tweety: Love Shack!
Parker: i love the way Obama challenged the people and calloused our hands
Kernan: We have to spend a quadrillion dollars!!
Heileman: all we have to do is fix teh economy, war, health care, and energy
Tweety: oh is that all
Tweety: how will we pay for all this
Mitchell: obama will just tap into his internet fundraisers
Kernan: liberal bloggers will save us all
Tweety: Magic Bloggers!
Heileman: the housing crisis is everyone's fault because I bought a big apartment on 75th street but Detroit is bad!
Parker: their cars fucking suck
Tweety: when does Obama's failed presidency begin?
Parker: one year
Kernan: there won't be one - The Man is going to succeed
Mitchell: 9-12 months
Tweety: when does he fail??? When does Obama expire like a milk carton. When does Obama lose his new car smell??
Heileman: six months
Tweety: OMG let's make fun of Joe Biden!!!
Parker: ha!
Mitchell: ha ha
Heileman: hee hee hee
Tweety: OMG Hillary Clinton is back in the news!!!
Matthews: who will sleep with Obama - Biden or Clinton??
Mitchell: Jim Jones - he's better looking!
Heileman: Biden turned down Sec of State and he chose Hillary!
Matthews: but that destroys my whole theory!!
Parker: well Tweety you are an idiot
Tweety: ha!
Mitchell: he's known for his domestic policy not foreign policy anyway
Matthews: you blew my mind!
Parker: hispanics want more latinos!
Kernan: Turkey's can't fly!
Mitchell: Paterson is going to appoint Caroline Kennedy!
Heileman: david brooks says Obama is finally going to a appoint a non-liberal at Education!
Tweety: wow!
Tweety: OMG what about Bill Clinton!!
Parker: he should have low key affairs
Kernan: Hillary's svengolly
Mitchell: He's now locked into the Obama legacy
Heileman: he feels guilty about not helping Hillary and so he will reach out to the black community by playing golf at restricted country clubs
Tweety: blacks only!?!?
The Chris Matthews Show
December 7, 2008
*********************************
Matthews: OMG my 401k is in the hands of a black man!!
Heileman: The Man is fucking amazing and we all agree America is fucked
Mitchell: The Man is competent and can speak well
Matthews: we we wanted change and we're getting it
Kernan: Wall Street of course hates the liberal black man who wants to raise taxes but we have no choice but to back this guy - Jack Welch is a fucking socialist
Kernan: we need the B-52s to stimulate us
Tweety: Love Shack!
Parker: i love the way Obama challenged the people and calloused our hands
Kernan: We have to spend a quadrillion dollars!!
Heileman: all we have to do is fix teh economy, war, health care, and energy
Tweety: oh is that all
Tweety: how will we pay for all this
Mitchell: obama will just tap into his internet fundraisers
Kernan: liberal bloggers will save us all
Tweety: Magic Bloggers!
Heileman: the housing crisis is everyone's fault because I bought a big apartment on 75th street but Detroit is bad!
Parker: their cars fucking suck
Tweety: when does Obama's failed presidency begin?
Parker: one year
Kernan: there won't be one - The Man is going to succeed
Mitchell: 9-12 months
Tweety: when does he fail??? When does Obama expire like a milk carton. When does Obama lose his new car smell??
Heileman: six months
Tweety: OMG let's make fun of Joe Biden!!!
Parker: ha!
Mitchell: ha ha
Heileman: hee hee hee
Tweety: OMG Hillary Clinton is back in the news!!!
Matthews: who will sleep with Obama - Biden or Clinton??
Mitchell: Jim Jones - he's better looking!
Heileman: Biden turned down Sec of State and he chose Hillary!
Matthews: but that destroys my whole theory!!
Parker: well Tweety you are an idiot
Tweety: ha!
Mitchell: he's known for his domestic policy not foreign policy anyway
Matthews: you blew my mind!
Parker: hispanics want more latinos!
Kernan: Turkey's can't fly!
Mitchell: Paterson is going to appoint Caroline Kennedy!
Heileman: david brooks says Obama is finally going to a appoint a non-liberal at Education!
Tweety: wow!
Tweety: OMG what about Bill Clinton!!
Parker: he should have low key affairs
Kernan: Hillary's svengolly
Mitchell: He's now locked into the Obama legacy
Heileman: he feels guilty about not helping Hillary and so he will reach out to the black community by playing golf at restricted country clubs
Tweety: blacks only!?!?
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