ABC's This Week with Jake Tapper - June 6, 2010

June 6, 2010
Guests:
Adm. Thad Allen (Cmdr. Coast Guard)
John Kerry (D-MA)
John Cornyn (R-TX)
Panel:
George Will
Liz Cheney
Arianna Huffington
Markos Moulitsas
***********************************

Tapper: Admiral it seems like half
of America is covered in oil

Allen: yep

Tapper: BP claims they are capturing most of the oil

Allen: that’s true unless they are lying

Tapper: uh oh

Tapper: what about using Saudi muslim robots?

Allen: that would never work because
they are not Jesus-approved

Tapper: is there a massive oil spill headed
for my house?

Allen: no

Tapper: oh that’s a relief

Allen: there’s dozens of them

Tapper: yikes

Tapper: have you been too trusting of BP?

Allen: when I ask them for something I get it

Tapper: but they lie to you

Allen: yes I said I get what I want

Tapper: why is this spill so bad?

Allen: it’s really fucking big!

Tapper: why can’t workers talk to the media?

Allen: I issued a directive saying the media has unlimited access except where they don’t

Tapper: ok

Tapper: Sen. Kerry - in less than a 1,000 words -
has Obama been too trusting of BP?

Kerry: oh no we put out some boats out
and it’s all great

Cornyn: I’m sick of politicians giving big unaccountable corporations too much power!

Kerry: oh that’s rich coming from a party that
put two lunatic oil men in the White House

Cornyn: but it’s been 48 days-

Kerry: hey the biggest brains in the world on top of this - they even lowered Stephen Hawking into the wellhead!

Tapper: He’s got you there turtle-man

Kerry: we import more oil than before 9/11 and India is beating us harnessing the Power of Wind!

Tapper: John Kerry knows about wind doesn't he Cornyn

Cornyn: clean power ideas like nuclear power are great but better environmental policies would
kill the American economy

Tapper: of course

Cornyn: let the Japanese hit home runs - America can bunt and hit singles or better still get hit by a Chinese pitch and draw a walk

Kerry: Babe Ruth didn’t call a motherfucking single! And by the way there are no fucking taxes in the
bill shithead!

Tapper: ok let’s move on to something less contentious like Israel killing American citizens
in international waters

Cornyn: oh come on that American provoked Israel by sailing international waters toward another
nation with baby food

Tapper: but Hamas was elected in an election Bush supported

Cornyn: whatever - the ship launched an unprovoked attack on Israel by trying to bring aid into Gaza -
it was like Pearl Harbor with wheelchairs

Tapper: but Hama controls Gaza

Cornyn: but Israel controls the sea

Kerry: Israel has the right to prevent dangerous items from being brought into Gaza

Tapper: what’s dangerous about pasta??

Kerry: hey a fusilli can put your eye out!

Tapper: scary

Kerry: Iran is trying to start a war in the Middle East

Tapper: attacking aid-bringing ships in international waters will surely put a stop to that

Cornyn: right!

Tapper: Cornyn do you have a double standard for Republicans who lie about their war records

Cornyn: oh no I don’t - but Blumenthal was wrong and Kirk is a great guy who just slipped up claiming he fought alongside Patton in Khe Sanh

Kerry: I should’ve just stayed here and gotten my damm medals out of a cracker jack box

Tapper: Rupert Murdoch told me you did

Kerry: ha that’s funny - oh wait it’s not

[ break]

Tapper: the BP CEO says he wants his life back - could he be a bigger asshole?

Will: BP has a fiduciary duty be dickish

Cheney: BP should have a daily briefing where they update people on their lies and failures

Tapper: Spike Lee says Obama should at least utter one “motherfucker” in public - it would feel so good

Moulitsas: Obama is so calm people are afraid yet another corporation is going getting away with pillaging America

Huffington: why does anyone trust BP - they have a terrible track record of ties to evil people like dictators in Nigeria, Iran and even Dick Cheney

Cheney: Obama has been dithering on the oil spill just like on terrorism and not torturing people

Huffington: I agree with Liz that Obama should stop dithering and put Dick Cheney on trial for war crimes

Cheney: Hold on a sec-

Will: Obama’s failure to regulate enough proves
that regulation doesn’t work!

Cheney: Obama caused this oil spill and he must clean it up

Huffington: you lying idiot - Dick Cheney deregulated the oil industry and BP wrecked
the economy!

Cheney: Obama should have stopped them!

Tapper: well he wants to stop offshore oil drilling

Cheney: see he’s an evil job-killing socialist!

Tapper: Hey the Israel National Rappelling Team boarded a ship this week

Cheney: Turkey launched a surprise armed attack on Israel by sailing in international waters with
a boat filled with aid

Moulitsas: look everybody but Deferment Liz knows that Israel totally fucked up

Cheney: Turkey attacked Israel’s ocean

Moulitsas: hey moron Turkey is in NATO and
Israel is not

Will: who cares - the Middle East war will begin soon and then we will have the Rapture and then the Apocalypse

Huffington: People in Gaza are really suffering and Hamas was elected

Tapper: Liz you worked at the State Dept. when Dick supported that election

Cheney: No Dick and I didn’t support that - we wanted to nuke Gaza but we were overruled

Tapper: hey speaking of institutional fuck-ups - this week baseball ruined a perfect game

Will: oh my stars perfection is overrated - look if we start demanding white people get everything right then where will be?

Moulitsas: that will be a slippery slope indeed

Tapper: that sums it up for another episode
of This Week

*****************************

Meet The Press - May 30, 2010

Guests:
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Carol Browner - White House Energy Adviser
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL)
Fmr. Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ)
David Brooks
E.J. Dionne
***************************

Gregory: so what went wrong dickhead

Dudley: the BP flower is the Mark of the Beast

Gregory: what happened to Top Kill Vol. 2 ?

Dudley: the Smoke Monster attacked us!

Gregory: so will the next step will work?

Dudley: really we have no idea - the robots are charge now

Gregory: when will we learn that your next
effort has failed?

Dudley: we should confirm our next failure in
about seven days

Gregory: how much oil are you spilling into the Gulf?

Dudley: somewhere between A Motherfucking Lot
and a Giant Shitload

Gregory: why so slow?

Dudley: we don’t want to make things worse

Gregory: worse? How could things be worse?

Dudley: our next move will crack the earth’s
crust and unleash the minions of satan from the
depths of hell

Gregory: it seems you are incompetent idiots who ruined America and had no plan at all

Dudley: no we had a plan to deny everything - it worked great until the oil washed up on shore

Gregory: did you lie to everyone

Dudley: look we’re frustrated too - did you know
oil is very slippery?!?

Gregory: I did actually

Dudley: ooh look at the big brain on Greggers

Gregory: should BP CEO Tony Heyward resign for destroying his company and a regional economy

Dudley: Tony Heyward is doing an awesome
job dodging responsibility for wrecking thousands of lives

[ break ]

Gregory: well that was a pretty fucking astonishing interview

Browner: it’s infuriating - this spill is destroying
a whole region

Gregory: what do we do now?

Browner: suck up all the oil with a giant straw

Gregory: who will do that?

Browner: Superman?

Gregory: but he’s not real

Browner: in theory maybe

Gregory: so assuming Superman is fiction the oil
will continue to spill until August of 2015

Browner: in that case the beaches will be re-designated “Free Oil National Park”

Gregory: excellent

Browner: once we capture the oil we can
put the oil on trial

Gregory: how bad is this?

Browner: this is biggest disaster in American history

Gregory: worse than the Civil War or the
Bush administration?

Browner: ok biggest environmental disaster

Gregory: so how do we fix it?

Browner: burn it and skim it

Gregory: is Team Obama making a big show
of being in charge?

Browner: make no mistake we’re calling the shots

Gregory: what about that $75 million cap

Browner: fuck that cap - they will pay for the motherfucking damages!

Gregory: the Republicans says Obama isn’t
socialist enough and doesn’t regulate businesses strongly enough

Browner: oh that’s just fucking rich

Gregory: but the spill is Emperor Obama’s fault

Browner: hey Big Business caused this fucking spill and the liberals are going to have clean this up

Gregory: why didn’t Obama tell BP to have a contingency plan when he was inaugurated?

Browner: the tales of your being a moron were
not exaggerated

Gregory: but he could have personally reviewed
every permit

Browner: look Obama broke up MMS

Gregory: but he should have planned for
a disaster when he was sworn in!

Browner: well he prevented Sarah Palin from becoming VP!

Gregory: maybe 5,000 feet is just too
deep to drill offshore

Browner: yeah maybe!

Gregory: so why don’t stop it?

Browner: we shut down 33 rigs Fluffy!

Gregory: ok

[ break ]

Gregory: let’s talk about illegal immigration

Gutierrez: we need a holistic approach - hell most so-called illegal immigrants didn’t sneak over - they just overstayed their visa

Hayworth: Soldiers changing oil is cosmetic

Gregory: righty-o

Hayworth: it’s not only about Mexicans - it’s all
those other brown people!

Gregory: it’s about American businesses needing and hiring these immigrants

Hayworth: we need soldiers to roam America demanding papers or we will all live in anarchy!!

Gutierrez: we should put employers in jail for hiring illegal immigrants - but immigrants are not going to disappear like Henriquez Potter!

Gregory: people support the Arizona law

Gutierrez: that’s because people are bunch of thick-headed fuckers

Gregory: well sure

Gregory: J.D. how do cops determine reasonable suspicion if not by race?

Hayworth: people are trying to attack Arizona just because they wrote a blatantly racist law - it’s not fair

Gutierrez: the fucking law makes demanding citizenship a requirement JD!!

Gregory: good point

Gutierrez: Latinos fought our wars and they want
to pay taxes and be good citizens!

Hayworth: All we are saying is
Give Racism a Chance

Gregory: you and McCain supported amnesty -
are you two trying to out-crazy each other to win the GOP nomination?

Hayworth: after 9/11 I realized we had to go after Hispanics with soldiers on American streets

Gregory: please bash Obama for me

Gutierrez: I worked with McCain before he went batshit insane

Gregory: well Obama sent 1,200 troops

Gutierrez: whoop de frickin’ doo!

[ break ]

Gregory: this oil spill comes down to one thing:
what does Obama’s daughter want us to do?

Dionne: the real problem is that big companies apparently have no plan in case they totally fuck up

Brooks: this disaster proves that conservatives are right - there are limits to what government can do to fix the disasters caused by conservatives

Gregory: how can Obama let this oil spill continue
to happen??

Dionne: the lesson here is we need more fucking regulation of oil companies!!

Gregory: incredibly Sestak was offered an unpaid job to leave a political race

Dionne: the lesson here is that Joe Sestak is
kind of a dickhead

Gregory: is that all?

Dionne: also that you’re a moron Fluffy

Gregory: ha ha

Gregory: Tim Pawlenty says economic growth
is phony

Dionne: that’s hilarious

Gregory: ha ha

Dionne: moron
**************************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 30, 2010

Guests:
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Louisiana)
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Colin Powell (Ret. Chair JCS)
********************************

Tapper: Bobby what do you need to stop the oil?

Jindal: we local control and permission to
protect the damn beaches!

Tapper: the Coast Guard said Louisiana didn’t
plan for a spill like this

Jindal: come and see the oil on the eggs and the motherfucking pelicans!!

Tapper: why were the booms sitting on the docks?

Jindal: BP was sitting on their fucking asses!

Tapper: are you a socialist or a communist now?

Jindal: I want smaller big government and
bigger small government!!

[ break ]

Tapper: so BP has totally failed to stop pouring
oil into America’s waters

Dudley: true we failed to wrestle the beast -
but we’re heroes for trying!

Tapper: you cut corners to save money and risked destroying precious American resources

Dudley: no that can’t be right since
we do that everywhere

Tapper: but in March the well was failing and then it exploded - what the fuck were you guys doing??

Dudley: we will definitely take a look at that
since we totally didn’t see that coming

Tapper: the well was fucking failing jackass!!

Dudley: uh I think we subcontracted that out to Acme and some coyote

Tapper: well thanks for coming asshole

Tapper: sir you were a general tell us about how states deal with oil spills

Powell: the federal government must move in quickly with decisive force and declare war on oil spills!

Tapper: fascinating

Powell: it’s more than BP it’s about people and the government and nice things like that

Tapper: should the military bomb the oil spill?

Powell: sure - we should also get local unemployed fishermen to clean up the spill

Tapper: sounds good

Powell: we gotta get in there and clean it
and do good stuff

Tapper: wow

Tapper: 17 years ago you said gays were
too icky to fight for America

Powell: yes but the Force is with us now

Tapper: oh

Powell: since then we’ve had Will & Grace and Sex and the City and of course Frasier and the revelation that General MacArthur was gay

Tapper: what?

Powell: oh I’ve said too much

Tapper: do you personally hate the gay?

Powell: we have to hear from every officer and they have to agree

Tapper: Operation Fuck Over Afghanistan is 9 years old and reading to enter elementary school

Powell: awwww

Tapper: this war is not supported by the public
and there is no decisive force

Powell: look I just made that Powell Doctrine shit up one night

Tapper: well it sounds like the mission sucks

Powell: by Obama added 68,000 troops

Tapper: then why does it suck so much?

Powell: because people hate both the Taliban
and America

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: we smack out foreheads a year from now and go ‘oh noe we fucked up!’

Tapper: should we pull out of Iraq?

Powell: it’s perfectly safe now with only 10
bombings a day - it’s like Philadelphia in July

Tapper: sounds about right

Powell: we have a big debt - who cares about Iraq?

Tapper: exactly - let’s attack Iran

Powell: right - those wily arabs have been sneaking around for thousands of years!

Tapper: Persians

Powell: who gives a shit Tappy - they’re
brown and scary!

Tapper: so what do we do?

Powell: IAEA inspections and if they violate we bring the hammer down!

Tapper: just like Iraq except then we lie and
start a war anyway

Powell: Shhhhh!!!!

Tapper: you care about education

Powell: I learned the importance of education and how stupidity can ruin America

Tapper: from your youth and life experience?

Powell: no when I served a moron President

Tapper: what does Memorial Day mean to you?

Powell: it reminds me that many Americans gave their lives so the President could lock people up without charges and assassinate Americans

Tapper: awesome

**************************

Meet the Press - May 23, 2010

Guests:
Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ)
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)
Rep. Joe Sestak (D-PA)
PaulCat
May 23, 2010
*************
Gregory: Hi and welcome to another episode of
Meet the Press - our special guest today was going to be Rand Paul but is very sleepy from pretending he is not a racist and needs a nap so he graciously sent his pet PaulCat - thanks so much for coming

PaulCat: oh hai - u iz welcome

Gregory: People think that Rand Paul is a racist

PaulCat: noes fluffi he no cares if deh kittehs iz striped or calico or if dey iz all whites or blacks
- but he no lak deh maine coon

Gregory: PaulCat does Rand Paul really want to repeal the Civil Rights Act?

PaulCat: he no wants govmint takin yur bukkits
and yur toys and yur homez and yur odder
privat properti

Gregory: so laws prohibiting racial discrimination
are the same as declaring a hotel or restaurant
to be public property?

PaulCat: if teh governmints be doin dat dey also
kan mak u brings guns to teh movie theter

Gregory: so what’s the solution?

PaulCat: teh frei markets will mak all teh
kittehs plai nice

Gregory: is making abortion illegal also a declaring
a woman’s body public property?

PaulCat: oh hai noes cause teh bebbeh kittehs
haz rite to lif

Gregory: Rand Paul said Obama is un-American for attacking BP

PaulCat: teh presnit no lak the biznuz kittehs --
he plai bame game he shuld plai wit kitteh toys

Gregory: why on earth would Rand Paul defend BP at a time like this?

PaulCat: sometimes teh kittehs use deh litter box
and sometimes kittehs no use litter box - u noes accidentz dey happen

Gregory: it’s no ones fault so Obama shouldn’t be critical of BP?

PaulCat: BP iz like the kittehs - dey mak de mess
and teh humanz clean it up

Gregory: Good luck in November

PaulCat: u haz fishies or scritches for me?

Gregory: No sorry

PaulCat: u noes get cuddlez Fluffi

[ break ]

Gregory: Rand Paul canceled his appearance here just because he said a lot of racist stupid shit - then just to put icing on the cake he defended BP for spilling millions of gallons of oil in the Gulf

Cornyn: give him a break he’s a novice candidate - he can’t take random questions about whether 40 year old anti-racist laws were a good idea

Gregory: Is he totally insane?

Cornyn: he needs run away from the media and to speak to the people of Kentucky so they can hear what he has to say

Gregory: don’t they watch Meet the Press in Kentucky?

Cornyn: are you kidding? - they don’t own tv sets - they just got the wireless

Gregory: so you nominated an incompetent weirdo who can’t take basic questions without sounding like a stone cold racist

Cornyn: true - but government has gotten too big

Menendez: he’s out of his fucking mind - he’s perfect for the modern Republican party

Gregory: isn’t Rand Paul right - that Democrats brought us debt, chaos and a breakdown in society?

Menendez: no Fluffy the Republican party brought us debts, wars, big government and a Depression

Cornyn: there they go again - blaming George Bush for all the mistakes George Bush made

Gregory: is that all?

Cornyn: Spend! Debt!

Gregory: the Tea Party brings new voters but on the other hand they are fucking crazy

Cornyn: I love the Tea Party! These are wonderful patriotic Americans who finally got off their couches to carry guns and want to repeal civil rights

Gregory: well that’s a little frightening

Cornyn: Obama hates businesses

Gregory: Admiral you claim to be an outsider but you voted for health care reform

Sestak: I was in the Navy for 31 years Dancin Dave and America was torpedoed

Gregory: but you voted for TARP!

Sestak: yes but I stood up to Obama when he attacked businesses

Gregory: like what?

Sestak: I want to cut taxes for small business not for Goldman Sachs

Gregory: but how can you support the Obama Communist Agenda?

Sestak: fuck Obama - he tried to get me
out of the race!

Gregory: you stood up to him to run for office - so what?

Sestak: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Are you now or have you ever been an
Obama Democrat?

Sestak: fuck you

Gregory: what bribe did Obama offer you?

Sestak: he offered to make me Secretary of
Kicking Pundit Ass

Gregory: oh my

Gregory: [grinning ] what painful choices will you make?!?!

Sestak: better health care, collect taxes and cut military spending

[break]

Gregory: Obama backed the wrong horse in Pennsylvania!

Menendez: true but it all worked out in the end - Sestak is awesome

Gregory: Is Obama a liability?

Menendez: hell fuckin no -- he’s turning this nation around from the disaster of the Bush presidency

Cornyn: I hate big big government - we’re going to repeal health care reform!

Gregory: Blumenthal claimed he fought with Rambo

Menendez: yes but his opponent let wrestlers use their bodies

Cornyn: you can’t trust him - he shot himself in the foot to get out of service!

Gregory: I thought that was Dick Cheney

Cornyn: either way

Gregory: immigration reform!

Menendez: Let the Senators from Arizona deal with the 12 million illegal immigrants

Cornyn: the Arizona law is a great law - it bans profiling based on race and now only allows it
for skin color

Gregory: Bush never passed immigration reform or secured the border

Cornyn: sure but that was before - as soon as Obama became President Arizona has to
enact a racist law

[ break ]

Gregory: hey panelists the GOP nominated a racist whackjob for the U.S. Senate

Friedman: we learned this week that when the Tea Party said they want smaller government they really mean racism is awesome

Gigot: I admire Rand Paul for being willing to cut Medicare and Social Security

Mitchell: he’s a libertarian - what the fuck is he doing running for the Senate anyway

Woodward: he’s like Ronald Reagan but
ugly and stupid

Mitchell: yes but Ronnie was a pragmatic racist-panderer

Giogot: Obama has governed so far to left is that he’s driven the GOP to the crazy right

Gregory: that sounds pretty smart

Giogot: the Tea Party think Obama is a socialist!

Gregory: but TARP was a Republican idea

Gigot: sure but Obama abused TARP by going beyond the original intention of bailing out Wall Street and helping American auto companies
- that is so so sad

Gregory: it seems like crazy people everywhere are
taking over politics

Friedman: Digital lynch mobs!!!

Gregory: that’s scary!

Friedman: we need a dictator

Gigot: we tried that under George Bush

Woodward: people say nothing ever gets done but Obama did stimulus, health care reform and may get financial reform - not to shabby!

Gregory: wow James Carville got attention by bashing Obama!

Friedman: I think they should stop the oil spill

Gregory: wow!

Friedman: I think we should use less oil - why are no Senators saying this?!?

Gregory: Gore did and the media relentlessly attacked him

Woodward: why don’t they call Google to
fix the oil spill?

Gigot: what the fuck do you expect them to do?

Mitchell: BP has ruined offshore drilling for all of us

Friedman: who cares - the long term solution is to utter banal cliches

Gigot: it’s a very hard engineering problem

Gregory: what the hell should Team Obama do?

Woodward: I had no idea oil came right out of the ground - I thought it came from whales

Gigot: accidents happen - aren’t we all
really to blame?

Woodward: the blob will kill us all!!!

Mitchell: you men are all fucking idiots

Gregory: I want to thank all my guests especially PaulCat

PaulCat: kthnxbai
**************************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 23, 2010

Guests:
Tim Kaine (Chair, DNC)
Michael Steele (Chair, RNC)
*****************************
Tapper: Mike Steele your Senate nominee
Rand Paul says the Civil Rights Act was great
except for the desegregation

Steele: sure that was stupid - but he’s clarified it to say he doesn’t hate black people he just doesn’t want have to be around them if doesn’t want to

Tapper: Tim how can you lose now?

Kaine: well we’re Democrats so you never know

Tapper: good point

Kaine: forget the racism - Rand Paul says
going after BP is un-American

Steele: well he’s right - it’s terrible
to call BP nasty names

Tapper: that’s the new GOP motto
- “Accidents Happen”?

Steele: Obama is not Socialist enough!

Kaine: We have to hold BP accountable and not privatize the profits and socialize the losses

Steele: Obama is a Communist - also the government should solve the oil spill and create jobs

Kaine: Rand Paul also loves racial discrimination
in housing

Steele: that’s his philosophy and so you
can’t criticize it

Tapper: huh?

Steele: you can’t condemn a man for his
view that racism is good

Tapper: Blumenthal said he served with
Forrest Gump and killed Col. Kurtz

Kaine: that might be true I wasn’t there

Steele: he’s just like Rand Paul -
he’s a crazy insurgent

Tapper: the GOP won in Hawaii

Steele: and that’s where Obama was born!

Tapper: Not Kenya?

Steele: oh there too

Tapper: You lost Murtha’s seat

Steele: yes but we had a good turnout

Kaine: hey if the GOP can’t win that seat there
is no way in fucking hell they can win the House

Tapper: Sestak says Obama offered to make him
Secretary of Awesome Hair

Kaine: well why not

Tapper: is the GOP still frequenting bondage
strip clubs?

Steele: no comment Jake!

[ break ]

Tapper: It seems like Rand Paul is a little crazy

Will: he’s not a racist - it’s worse - he’s a
frivolous libertarian dolt

Tapper: oh my

Will: in fact you can legislate morality
- it’s awesome

Brazille: I was struck not just by his extremism but how much of an idiot he is

Tapper: but he can still win in Kentucky

Brazille: oh sure

Donaldson: I’m don’t know if he’s a racist but
Rachel Maddow finally exposed him as --
what’s the word - oh right - stupid

Roberts: he’s perfect for Kentucky

Tapper: he’s real and genuine

Roberts: he’s a real racist

Brazille: the GOP created a Tea Party monster
and it’s name is Racist Rand Paul

Will: back in the 19th century we solved the issue
of Free Coinage of Silver

Rand Paul: no I hate that too!

************************

Meet The Press - May 16, 2010

Guests:
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Jonathan Alter
Peggy Noonan
Bob Shrum
Mike Murphy
******************************
Gregory: So BP has failed yet again to stop
the worst oil spill ever - I can’t wait to see their
junk shot

Obama: fuck these finger-pointing motherfuckers!

Schumer: damm cocksuckers!

Gregory: should there be a cap on their liability?

Schumer: hell fucking no!

Gregory: are you mad?

Schumer: yes we all are very angry at BP -
they wrecked the Democratic climate bill compromise pushing for more drilling!

Gregory: that’s sad

Schumer: so clearly we should do more
offshore drilling - that’s red white and blue oil!!!

Gregory: Kagan says the Senate hearings are a farce

Schumer: Dancing should not be a part of it

Gregory: dammit

Schumer: She’s awesome because she’s practical - she’s not from some fancy ivory tower

Gregory: how so?

Schumer: she was Dean of Harvard Law School

Gregory: dude it’s not exactly Deadliest Catch

Schumer: hey the Dean has to work with many
weird people like the Federalist Society

Gregory: is she a liberal or a moderate?

Schumer: she’s a forceful, practical, New Yorker - she will shank Scalia if she has to!

Gregory: will she promote Executive Power?

Schumer: yes she will but Obama’s President now - suck it wingnuts!

Gregory: is she a blank slate?

Schumer: that’s the beauty of it - she can be whatever you want her to be!

Gregory: Did Obama tell New York to drop dead?

Schumer: Hey Underoos Man and Propane Boy showed us the world is trying to destroy New York!

Gregory: I thought that was the GOP

Schumer: screw the bean counters - Peter King
and Mike Bloomberg are not happy!

Gregory: Should we put KSM on trial in New York?

Schumer: no fucking way Fluffy!!

Gregory: People hate Congress which means they hate Democrats

Schumer: we’ll see in the fall how much people hate the stimulus, health care and financial reform

Gregory: you’re optimistic

Schumer: fucking right!

Gregory: What about Specter?

Schumer: he’s has no principles at all
- that’s why we need him in the U.S. Senate

[ break ]

Gregory: Mitch you supported Harriet Meirs
and she was Bush’s pet sitter!

McConnell: Meirs was a disaster which only proves we can’t have Kagan

Gregory: tell me why she is evil

McConnell: she wants to ban pamphlets
and hates soldiers

Gregory: is she qualified or not?

McConnell: we’ll decide later how we will accuse
her of being a radical anti-American

Gregory: sounds like hypocrisy

McConnell: yeah but Democrats attacked
Clarence Thomas just because he was an inexperienced pervert

Gregory: does she hate the military?

McConnell: obviously she does because Harvard Law students usually go to an ivy league law school because they want to join the Army

Gregory: are you mad at BP?

McConnell: why are we criticizing BP when Obama
is clearly to blame for allowing offshore drilling and not fixing the spill immediately?!?

Gregory: should we cap BP’s liability?

McConnell: oh no - we should allow people who can’t afford to clean up their messes to drill or it wouldn’t be far to all the mom and pop
oil-rig drilling operations

Gregory: Is noted loon Rand Paul going to seize control of the GOP?

McConnell: yes but Obama lost to a male model

Gregory: you expect Paul to be your candidate

McConnell: I will support whichever lunatic
wins the GOP nomination

Gregory: Obama says Republicans drove this country into a ditch for 8 years and you can’t
have the keys again!

McConnell: look we all know George Bush was horrible President - but Obama is helping
American car companies and he tripled the
debt in the next ten years

Gregory: but that hasn’t happened yet

McConnell: also he will take over the Internet

Gregory: also hypothetical

McConnell: the President has lost 3,000 jobs!

Gregory: is that all?

McConnell: he’s stealing from our grandchildren!

Gregory: ok thanks for coming

[ break]

Gregory: Obama’s pretty popular

Murphy: Yes - the Democrats are doomed!

Shrum: that’s true but there was a poll 10 minutes ago saying pundits’ positions have shift 1 percent

Gregory: people like Obama but not his policies

Alter: it was all too much change! The US was losing 700,000 jobs and now we’re adding 200,000 jobs and that’s hard for people handle!

Noonan: He’s like Reagan - he’s likeable but presiding over a recession - so he’s doomed

Gregory: but Reagan was reelected

Noonan: true but Mondale was a doofus

Shrum: Reagan carried every state plus Canada because the economy boomed!

Gregory: Kagan will probably easily confirmed

Murphy: I’m going to cry about Robert Bork now

Shrum: take a hankie Mike
[ hands Murphy a tissue ]

Alter: this will hurt Obama because people think he hates the Army because he acts like he’s their boss and they don’t like taking orders from him

Gregory: let’s weep for Robert Bork some more

Noonan: [ sobs ]
Young people get assassinated by liberals
if they have opinions

Gregory: she’s stirred controversy by suggesting people should have civil rights but luckily not everyone

Noonan: we need to stop attacking justices for
their colorful views and instead attack them for
being Latina

Shrum: let’s be clear - Robert Bork was out of his fucking mind

Noonan: yes but criticism of him came within 45 minutes of his nomination - liberals are the balsa wood drones of politics

Gregory: Arlen Specter has no principles at all -
will that hurt him?

Alter: yes but he’s against cancer

Gregory: Blanche Lincoln is finding out
centrism sucks

Noonan: so so so so sad

Shrum: sure she’s attacked from both sides
because she does nothing for all sides

Alter: Long live the lunch-bucket Reagan Democrats!!

Gregory: Saint McCain is in trouble too even though he wants to complete the dang fence

Alter: it’s sad

Gregory: he was in favor of immigration reform and now he sounds like a cross between
Ted Nugent and Grampa Simpson

Noonan: it’s pathetic

Murphy: Obama is behind murders in Arizona!

Shrum: really that’s what you want to go with?

Murphy: Muuuurrder!!!!!

Gregory: ok that’s another episode of Meet the Press

****************************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 16, 2010

Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Sen. Pat Leahy (D-VT)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
**************************
Tapper: what about Elena Kagan?

Leahy: I want a rapid confirmation but I need
Jeff Sessions’ permission

Tapper: Kagan said the Senate is vapid and hollow

Leahy: we all know that

Tapper: why are confirmation hearings so ridiculous?

Leahy: people with opinions must recuse themselves from all other cases

Tapper: why?

Leahy: because thinking about anything means
you are unfairly biased

Tapper: I see

Leahy: she needs to appear to be an unthinking dolt to impress the Senate

Sessions: She needs to be like john Roberts and openly lie to the Senate about her intentions

Tapper: Do you think she hates the military?

Sessions: this is major issue - if the military can’t use the office of career services how can Harvard Law Students possibly find their way to a recruiting office??

Leahy: I realize the GOP are insane but give
me a break

Sessions: No no no - you know how stupid those ivy leaguers are - we might have won the Iraq war if we had more Harvard Law Students on the front lines

Tapper: She wrote a friend of the court brief on a case that went the other way - doesn’t that prove
she can’t be on the Supreme Court

Leahy: is being a dumbass disqualifying from hosting a Sunday Talk show?

Tapper: no

Leahy: well there you go

Tapper: does she love female persons or male persons?

Sessions: I don’t care - I love corporate persons

Tapper: Should we repeal those pesky
Miranda rights?

Leahy: yes but we have to do so within
the Constitution

Tapper: well that’s fucking annoying

Sessions: yee haw

Tapper: Should we protect oil companies from paying for their mistakes?

Sessions: let’s not be too hard on BP - I mean they are very nice people who have suffered greatly during this terrible time of the environmental
disaster they caused

Leahy: Jesus Christ Republicans filibustered an attempt to hold BP accountable

Sessions: did we?

Leahy: yes you did fucker

************************

Meet The Press with Eric Holder - May 9, 2010

Guests:
Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
E.J. Dionne
David Brooks
Katty Kay
Wes Moore
******************
Gregory: is the Connecticut MBA bomber
a jihadist from Pakistan?

Holder: the Pakistan Taliban provided the financing and upfront costs for a percentage of the gross
and licensing rights

Gregory: they also brought us the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and the Miley Cyrus movie

Holder: it’s frightening

Gregory: but Janet Napolitano told me he
was a lone wolf!

Holder: she was playing you Fluffy

Gregory: is Pakistan going to help?

Holder: they’d fucking better

Gregory: how did a guy with a MBA become an unethical radical soulless dipshit?

Holder: it’s a mystery

Gregory: how come you didn’t arrest him
before he committed a crime?

Holder: it’s doesn’t work that way Dancing Dave

Gregory: these are homegrown terrorists!

Holder: they are people with clean skins

Gregory: like who use ivory soap?

Holder: yes - also white people

Gregory: why don’t you track all people
who go to Pakistan

Holder: 200,000 people!?

Gregory: yes dammit!

Holder: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: ok just stop the brown people who
travel to Pakistan

Holder: you’re full of bright ideas

Gregory: but you wouldn’t waste time searching
a white woman would you?

Holder: hey I could get arrested for doing that in Alabama

Gregory: why would you give an American citizen Miranda warnings - are you crazy??

Holder: Look first we interrogate, then we torture and after we get the information we want, then we give
Miranda warnings

Gregory: I’m still scared

Holder: I can tell

Gregory: so you want Congress to pass a law
letting you torture first and give them rights later

Holder: damm right Greggers

Gregory: that’s big news

Holder: correctamundo motherfucker

Gregory: will you buy KSM a house if he’s acquitted?

Holder: no you idiot

Gregory: well that’s hypocrisy

Holder: well it’s not like he’s got a green card stupid

Gregory: but you held a press conference about
the Times Square bomber!

Holder: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: what’s the holdup with KSM?!?

Holder: dude holding a trial in downtown NYC ain’t like a opening a lemonade stand!

Gregory: Gitmo is still open! FBI agents waste time chasing terrorists! My conditioner is not making my hair silky enough!

Holder: Jesus Christ do you have a fever?

Gregory: is racism over?

Holder: no - look at Arizona

[ break ]

Gregory: hey the Connecticut guy got money
from Pakistan

Brooks: this was an international plot involving
three whole canisters of propane!

Moore: it’s hate filled region with very porous border

Gregory: so Afghanistan is just like Arizona

Kay: racial screening can backfire

Dionne: propane scares me - this is real terrorism!

Gregory: but we can’t really stop terror attacks -
and this dude is obviously an idiot

Brooks: coming from you that means a lot

Gregory: thanks

Brooks: exactly - we need not to panic - also repeal the Constitution

Gregory: right - how else can we get the information we need??

Moore: we are a nation of laws - so we need to repeal those laws

Gregory: We’re going to have a Karzai love-fest this week

Kay: he’s going to a ribbon cutting at a Best Buy and be a guest judge on Project Runway

Dionne: I hate the term ‘lawyered up’ - lawyers defend rights for a reason

Gregory: but these are not people suspected of a crime - these are terrorists we need to torture!

Dionne: we should not trash our rights just because some loon bought some propane

Brooks: yes but at some point we should just salute the leader and give him unlimited power

Kay: Bush gave terrorists Miranda rights!

Brooks: well he was wrong - go Obama!

Gregory: Let’s talk about Obama’s mind - go EJ!

Dionne: Obama would like to nominate the person he thinks is best qualified in the whole country to
sit on the Supreme Court

Gregory: who is that?

Dionne: himself

Kay: Kagan is like a white female Obama - a consensus-seeking centrist

Moore: he needs to nominate someone who take Roberts in the annual SCOTUS Feats of Strength

Gregory: the Utah GOP told Bennett to fuck off

Brooks: his big mistake was to try and get things done - real conservatives hate that

Gregory: the modern Republican party has decided to drive out everyone out is not utterly insane

Brooks: hey TARP was a bad idea but conservatives have to work with liberals - they’re in the minority!

Gregory: everyone is mad at government and Obama sucks

Dionne: the people who are really mad are people who believe in government and don’t like to
see it suck

Dionne: it’s about basic values like rewarding the hard work of lobbyists

Kay: the lesson from Britain is that third-parties fail

Gregory: it’s great theatre

Kay: yes it would funny if it weren’t going to wreck the county

Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press
*******************

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 9, 2010

Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
Rudy Giuliani
*************************

Tapper: so what’s up with the MBA bomber?

Holder: he might be connected to the Taliban
in Pakistan

Tapper: I thought Pakistan was our friend

Holder: oh they are - we are working closing with them like we are working closely with BP

Tapper: what consequences will they face?

Holder: we will write them a strongly worded letter telling them to clean up their mess

Tapper: I meant Pakistan - not BP

Holder: so did I

Tapper: Propane Boy was on a terror watch list for bringing large sums of cash into America -
why take him off the list?

Holder: dude we *want* people bringing cash into the U.S.!

Tapper: good point

Holder: damm right

Tapper: how the hell did you lose track of this
idiot terrorist?

Holder: he went through the Lincoln tunnel and
the agents didn’t have exact change

Tapper: we only avoided a major terror attack because he was incompetent

Holder: well yeah by that logic we only don’t have terror attacks because we get lucky because people don’t commit attacks

Tapper: isn’t the Constitution an old-fashioned relic? I mean it was written before John McCain was born -
I think

Holder: you’re right - we need to re-write the Constitution to allow for use of thumbscrews for
really bad guys

Tapper: Holy Joe wants to take away citizenship from people he doesn’t like - isn’t he right - after all Obama wants the authority to kill Americans

Holder: yes Obama would assassinate but not take away their citizenship

Tapper: so what would that mean?

Holder: [ pulls gun out ]
they have the right to remain silent - permanently!

Tapper: cool

Holder: Look we have the right to put people in a gulag and execute them - Sen. Droopy should
calm down

Tapper: have Gitmo prisoners rejoined the fight against America?

Holder: we’re going to send them were that
can’t happen

Tapper: where?

Holder: the island on Lost

Tapper: Are you going to put KSM on trial or what

Holder: we’re going to try him on the People’s Court

Tapper: oh my

Holder: Judge Joe Brown is a badass!

Tapper: you say we’re a nation of cowards because we don’t talk about race - so I dare you to call Arizona a bunch of racists

Holder: damm crackers!

Tapper: will your arrest BP?

Holder: we’re looking at creative options

Tapper: like what?

Holder: it involves tar and feathers

[ break ]

Tapper: Rudy you’re famous and a noted Crazy Person - what would you do with MBA
Propane Boy?

Giuliani: I would have declared him an enemy combatant, revoked his rights, tortured him for
5 or 6 hours and then never say anything because you know how reticent I am to brag about stopping terrorism

Tapper: so you would repeal the Constitution?

Giuliani: absolutely - look all this political correctness - Major Hasan, the underpants
bomber and now this guy - this is a pattern!

Tapper: what’s the pattern?

Giuliani: [laughs] ha ha ha ha

Tapper: what are you laughing at loony

Giuliani: warning people about their rights makes
no sense!

Tapper: oh no?

Giuliani: it’s not good policy - we need to torture people right now!!

Tapper: if you say so

Giuliani: [ laughs ] haw haw haw

Tapper: isn’t it glorifying these idiots to call
them combatants?

Giuliani: [ laughs ] we have to crush their testicles and I’d be happy to test the Constitutionality of that!

Tapper: you’re a very strange person, aren’t you?

Giuliani: [ laughs, drinks cup of blood ]

Tapper: isn’t driving Senator Bennett out of the
party out insane?

Giuliani: Obama is driving us to European
social democracy!

Tapper: how so?

Giuliani: like the big bailout of the banks

Tapper: Bush did that

Giuliani: and lending money to car companies for them to turn around and save thousands of jobs

Tapper: anything else?

Giuliani: and national security

Tapper: has Europe been attacked lately?

Giuliani: Europe has been overrun with
brown people - do we really want America to become like that?

Tapper: good luck with that Rudy

Giuliani: [ turns into bat, flies away ]

*****************

Meet The Press - May 2, 2010

Meet The Press
May 2, 2010
Guests:
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Gov. Charlie Crist (FL)
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Adm. Thad Allen (Coast Guard)
Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)
****************************

Gregory: who tried to destroy Times Square?

Napolitano: Giuliani and Disney

Gregory: was it terrorism?

Napolitano: It wasn’t an invitation
to a birthday party Fluffy

Gregory: scary!

Napolitano: sure

Gregory: it was a big device

Napolitano: it was a few tanks of propane
which fizzled

Gregory: wow!

Gregory: Commander Allen are you going to
stop this fucking oil spill?

Allen: we’re considering stuffing the
hole with BP executives

Gregory: interesting approach

Allen: people seem to like it

Gregory: how bad will it be?

Salazar: really really bad dancing dave

Gregory: but this could ruin the fishing industry

Salazar: ya think!?

Gregory: worse than Exxon Valdez?

Salazar: I’m sure Exxon hopes so

Gregory: are you playing catch up?

Napolitano: no we were treating this like
the former Bush administration - as an
ongoing catastrophe from the start!

Gregory: did BP lie to you?

Napolitano: yes that’s why we only listen to
their robots who cannot mislead a human

Gregory: are you disappointed in BP?

Napolitano: what - just for destroying several
industries and a fragile coastline?

Gregory: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: just for singling out brown
suspicious people - pshaw!

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Hillary - should we
stop offshore drilling?

Clinton: we should only drill off red states
- see if they like it

Gregory: Mexico says Arizona will harass
visitors and criminalize being brown

Clinton: I understand people are frustrated but this could lead to profiling funny-looking visitors from New York like Chuck Schumer

Gregory: does it encourage profiling?

Clinton: of course it does!

Gregory: is it unconstitutional?

Clinton: just to ask citizens to carry ID
papers at all times - gee I don’t know

Gregory: the Taliban is winning the Afghan war!

Clinton: that’s only from October through
March of this year

Gregory: we won the war in April?

Clinton: oh yeah everything changed

Gregory: how so?

Clinton: the Taliban paid people to fight but
we can throw money around too

Gregory: cool

Clinton: but they will have to give up their
guns, renounce violence and promise to obey
the Constitution

Gregory: you can’t even get the Tea Party to do that!

Clinton: yes but you can reason with the Taliban

Gregory: should we attack Iran?

Clinton: we may have to - they are violating the NPT!

Gregory: do you think we could have a third
party like they do in the UK?

Clinton: there’s always room for lunatics like John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Joe Lieberman

Gregory: the President of Sudan is a war criminal who is wanted for crimes against humanity

Clinton: well so is George W. Bush and he
has a book coming out

Gregory: yeah but he wasn’t legitimately elected

Clinton: are we talking about Bashir or Bush

Gregory: does it matter?

Gregory: the State Department is working with
the private sector

Clinton: the Shanghai Expo is going to feature the City of the Future with American-made Flying Cars!

Gregory: are you going to stay on the job?

Clinton: sure

Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?

Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week

[ break ]

Gregory: Charlie you pledged loyalty to the GOP
- what happened?

Crist: I had an epiphany over Easter

Gregory: the people hate you

Crist: no that’s just Republicans who vote in primaries - and those people are fucking lunatics

Gregory: will you caucus with the GOP?

Crist: I’ll caucus with myself

Gregory: that’s stupid

Crist: gridlock common sense blah blah

Gregory: would you repeal health care reform?

Crist: sure we have to because we have something
like it in Florida

Gregory: what about carbon dioxide?

Crist: you could stop breathing Greggers

Gregory: ha!

Gregory: should we ban offshore drilling?

Crist: yes - no one likes to bathe in crude

Gregory: drill baby drill?

Crist: that frightens me

Gregory: how can you possibly win?

Crist: if I stop that asshole Rubio that’s win enough

[ break ]

Gregory: Lamar what happened with Crist?

Alexander: running as independent
undermines democracy

Gregory: it does?

Alexander: he’s breaking the rules by not
running as an Republican

Richardson: it’s fun watching the Republican
completely crack up

Pence: no - the real story here is the rise of real conservative values and opposing
spending and borrowing

Gregory: why do you hate Nixon, Ford, Ronald Reagan,
Bush and Bush II?

Pence: no this is the new Republican party -
not like the party for the last 50 years

Gregory: has Obama failed with the BP spill?

Granholm: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
only you could hear “drill baby drill” for a year and blame Obama

Alexander: the GOP are the real environmentalists - which means we have to keep drilling in the Gulf

Gregory: are you serious?

Alexander: sure it’s already covered in oil so
now is the perfect time

Richardson: we need a national oceans
policy in 2011

Gregory: we could call it Oceans 11

Gregory: is passing racist laws the solution
to our immigration problem?

Granholm: we could do that - or develop an overall solution to immigration, energy and economics

Pence: sure harassing people based on skin color is not a perfect solution but let’s not throw stones at the sad little racists in Arizona

Gregory: what’s your solution?

Pence: easy - build a fence!

Richardson: this is stupid - we need a really big fence - and earned legalization

Alexander: sure we can laugh at the racists in Arizona - but Obama is Commander in Chief and it’s time he started treating Tempe like the hellhole war zone that it is

Gregory: it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity

Alexander: right

******************
posted by Culture of Truth

This Week with Jake Tapper - May 2, 2010

May 2, 2010
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Lamar McKay (President BP America)
**********************
Tapper: Janet what can you tell us about the barbecue bomb and how scared should we be?

Napolitano: don’t worry Jake - we’re panicking
so you don’t have to

Tapper: are we going to catch this loser?

Napolitano: oh yes we’re looking for fingerprints
and hired an alienist and everything

Tapper: how concerned should Americans
be about Times Square?

Napolitano: extremely - they have a fucking
Red Lobster and Bubba Gump shrimp there now!

Tapper: my god it’s worse than I thought

[ break ]

Tapper: Hey British Petroleum how’s drilling
and destroying America working out for you?

McKay: not so good actually

Tapper: so what’s your plan for
stopping the spill?

McKay: give us a break - it’s like doing
open-heart surgery in the dark

Tapper: so you need Hawkeye Pierce?

McKay: we need Noah

Tapper: Building a giant ark
seems a bit extreme

McKay: no I mean NOAA

Tapper: Obama recently called BP ‘useless motherfuckers’

McKay: no everyone in the oil industry is rallying around trying to fix this problem

Tapper: oh so even Exxon and Chevron are going
to help stop the spill and clean up the oil?

McKay: no I meant fixing our image problem

Tapper: you ruined a coastline and
thousands of lives just to save a buck

McKay: capitalism baby!

Tapper: you have no idea what you’re
doing do you?

McKay: not fair - no one could have predicted
that an oil platform in the ocean drilling 5,000 feet for oil could spill oil in the water

Tapper: you opposed safety regulations

McKay: safety is our number one priority

Tapper: really?

McKay: well first making money, then drilling
faster and drilling more and exploiting workers
and resources and actually we don’t care about safety at all

[ break ]

Tapper: did you Coast Guard guys drop the ball?

Allen: bullshit - we were all over this Tapper!

Tapper: but you relied too much on BP?

Allen: hells no Tapp!

Tapper: Can BP stop this spill?

Salazar: those assholes - doubtful

Tapper: what’s your plan

Salazar: hope it gets better

Tapper: why didn’t you start burning
the oil right away?

Napolitano: it’s all mother nature’s fault

Tapper: President Obama says oil rigs
are perfectly safe

Salazar: they are!

Tapper: well except for the ongoing catastrophe

Salazar: well sure if you want to nit pick

Tapper: what’s your worst case scenario?

Napolitano: Palin is elected President
and David Gregory is her press secretary

Tapper: no I meant for the spill

Napolitano: oh that - Alabama covered with
3 feet of oil

Tapper: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: sure but the real lesson
is we need immigration reform

Tapper: Alberto your family came over
with Christopher Columbus

Salazar: they were on the Pinta baby!

Tapper: so how do you feel about the later arrivers

Salazar: anyone who was on the Nina or
Santa Maria is dead to me - dead!

Tapper: ok then
*****************
posted by Culture of Truth

Meet The Press - April 25, 2010

Guests:
Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT)
Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL)
***********************

Gregory: Chris Dodd - Deal. . . or No Deal?

Dodd: America went for the big money
and lost $11 trillion

Gregory: oh noe

Dodd: Goldman Sachs broke into our house
2 years ago and we haven’t even changed the locks

Gregory: will the GOP ever support reform?

Shelby: it’s a very tedious process and
the bill is 13 million pages

Gregory: whoa

Shelby: we oppose the bill because it
doesn’t go far enough

Gregory: of course you do

Shelby: we will vote for the bill if the
Democrats give us what we want

Gregory: what do you want?

Shelby: to stop the bill

Gregory: ok

Shelby: sure all 41 Senators oppose reform
but we really want it I swear

Gregory: it turns out the Goldman Sachs bet
against the American economy!

Dodd: it’s wrong to get rich betting housing
prices will fall

Gregory: aha

Dodd: what if Congress went out of session
and another crisis occurred?!

Gregory: because the ones we have are not enough

Shelby: these Wall Street fuckers produce nothing and just play a big casino game with other people’s money - I’m outraged

Gregory: Banks give politicians contributions -
how is my point relevant?

Dodd: most Senators don’t sell their votes
for contributions

Shelby: that’s right - they sell them for sex

Gregory: Wall streets execs told me they really
want stringent regulation-

Dodd: bullshit Fluffy

Gregory: but they said their deals are so complex mere mortals cannot understand them

Dodd: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Geithner says the bill will end
‘too big to fail’

Shelby: it doesn’t go far enough - nothing is
too big to fail - what if we have to bail out reckless pizza parlors?!

Dodd: are you kidding - it goes so far the bill will have Congress inside their sphincters!

Gregory: this debate is about the role of government - some say it should government do its job and then there are Republicans

Dodd: Dogs were given credit cards!

Shelby: it’s true Bush’s Bureaucrats were a little lax

Gregory: Hey we’re all getting rich off the bailouts - maybe we should have more and more bailouts!

Shelby: no I hate American cars

Gregory: isn’t Toyota made in your state?

Shelby: is it?

Dodd: Dancing Dave that’s crazy - look at
Shanghai and Greece

Gregory: ummm

Dodd: Just calm down Fluffy

Gregory: who will look at banks and say “hey maybe you shouldn’t put $5 trillion on the Detroit Lions to win the SuperBowl”

Shelby: Big is not Bad but Bailout Big is Bad

Dodd: the problem is risk Greggers

Gregory: but I read a news article that said
you don’t hate hedge funds

Dodd: I don’t Fluffy - god, you’re dumb

Gregory: what will pass?

Dodd: my bill!

Shelby: I will vote against a bill that doesn’t go far enough which it never will

Gregory: what about this new Arizona law?

Dodd: well I’m sure the Small Government crowd is in favor of stopping people and jailing them if they don’t have their papers on them

Shelby: simple - just arrest everybody

Gregory: Is Obama a liability?

Dodd: he’s an asset Stupid

Shelby: I like Good Things more than Bad Things

Gregory: is he all right?

Dodd: He’s always like this

Gregory: well ok

[ break ]

Gregory: So Arizona has made walking down
the street without identity papers illegal - that’s kind of interesting

Brooks: sure it’s racist but the real problem is that Democrats are going to pass laws for purely political reasons

Gregory: this is very bad for Obama and the Democrats

Norris: indeed David is right - this Arizona bill is bad for Democrats but if Arizona does enforce this law that does seem kind of racist

Gregory: well it’s not like they will be pulling people over for being Hispanic - they will have a pretext first

Thomas: oh it’s fucking racist Fluffy

Gregory: Democrats don’t really want immigration reform because of health care

Burnett: Business only want Chinese and Indian immigrants

Thomas: John McCain used to be the Greatest Centrist Ever and now he is Gives Punditz a Sad

Gregory: Obama claims to want to reform Wall Street and yet he didn’t pull out a gun and start shooting them this week - isn’t that hypocrisy?

Brooks: This is who Obama is - he’s so fucking even-handed he’s like Shiva

Burnett: Financial reform can’t make Wall Street Smart instead of Stupid

Gregory: People dislike Goldman Sachs because they don’t understand what they do - they should hate them because they bet against the economy

Norris: Oh they’re just evil Fluffy

Gregory: so so so sad

Brooks: we should all thank Goldman Sachs for ending the housing bubble

Gregory: they bet against the market - that’s good for
capitalism but bad for society

Thomas: no the issue is they were defrauding their clients

Gregory: Mayor Bloomberg asks who will weep for Wall Street - what if they all move overseas and take all their wonderful jobs with them??

Burnett: Goldman will plead stupidity

Gregory: David Brooks you say Democrats have ruined America by creating a Small Government vs Big Government debate

Gregory: that is so sad why would Democrats do that??

Brooks: they are divisive - amazingly this benefits Republicans

Gregory: a lot of people like me hate government

Thomas: Obama is low in the polls considering he is the most popular politician in America

Gregory: The Wall Street Journal says we must a fight between those who say we must eliminate Medicare and those who say we should ban all brown people

Norris: A true uniter like Reagan would do both

Gregory: Obama should cut taxes and not
go after Wall Street

Burnett: The economy is growing - yay!

Thomas: no we need still to cut the debt

Norris: I give you four words - baby boomers
erectile dysfunction

Brooks: Democrats have had the worst year politically since the Social Democrats lost Weimar

Gregory: How terrible is Obama?

Brooks: he’s very terrible - he’s lost independents

Norris: but the GOP has gone completely insane

Brooks: true - but the GOP will do really well this year because there is a lot of disgust out there

Gregory: Obama is a liability isn’t he?

Thomas: he’s not insane enough - no one is listening to him

Gregory: what should he do?

Thomas: Move to the Mythic Center!

Gregory: Brilliant!

*****************

This Week with Jake Tapper - April 25, 2010

Guests:
Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OR)
Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN)
Austan Goolsbee (White House Economic Advisor
**********************
Tapper: hey it turns out Goldman Sachs is evil
- who knew?!

Brown: yes it’s quite a fascinating turn of events

Tapper: are they in-inbred with a conflict of interest?

Corker: we need to wait and see just exactly
how evil they are

Tapper: ok

Corker: let’s face it, the victims fucked up
- they trust Goldman Sachs

Tapper: so what would Obama Bankcare do?

Goolsbee: the law would require the CEO of Goldman to walk around NYC wearing a sign saying “I Defraud My Clients”

Tapper: will the GOP filibuster reform?

Corker: the GOP really really really wants reform
- so yes

Tapper: I see

Corker: the Constitution requires 60 votes
to pass a bill

Tapper: how fascinating

Corker: also the Constitution requires all bills be short enough to read during a commercial break

Tapper: of course

Tapper: does this bill end ‘too big too fail’?

Brown: it sure does - but look if you’re too big
too fail then you are too fucking big

Tapper: why does the President support bailouts?

Goolsbee: hey fuckers - Obama is going to end the Bush Bailout Era for good!

Tapper: ok ok -

Goolsbee: damm right!

Tapper: the rich executives all get bailed and drive off in their Aston Martins

Goolsbee: the Aston Martin era is over - Time for the fuckin’ Austan Goolsbee Era!

Corker: Dodd left me at the altar!

Tapper: why doesn’t Obama support hurting Wall Street executives?

Goolsbee: Let’s fucking do it - but don’t use that
as an excuse to kill the reform bill

Tapper: Is Blanche Lincoln right about derivatives and how the hell did that happen?

Brown: she is right amazingly enough - the farm people are all up with their pitchforks and they’re mad as hell

Tapper: what about telling banks not to gamble government money at casinos?

Goolsbee: we’re all over that Jake - it’s $600 trillion!

Tapper: you seem passionate about this Austan

Goolsbee: damm fucking right - Obama hates derivatives!

Corker: Oh sure if you’re from a hick farming state you hate derivatives but I’m from a real state and we need gambling to keep the capitalist machine going

Tapper: dude you’re from Chatanooga
not fucking Zurich

******************************

****************************

Meet The Press - April 18, 2010

Guests:
Tim Geithner (Sec. of Treasury)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
Ron Brownstein
Jose Diaz-Balart

***************************

Gregory: hey they SEC finally went after Goldman Sachs - that’s wild!

Geithner: we’re going to enact financial reform Greggers

Gregory: will you use the Goldman Sachs
scandal as an excuse to this enact a new law

Geithner: why should we - 8 million people losing their jobs and bailouts isn’t enough?

Gregory: well sure I suppose

Geithner: there you go Fluffy

Gregory: aren’t the American people really to
blame for not understanding Wall Street?

Geithner: people on Wall Street don’t understand that shit

Gregory: Can Obama guarantee his guarantees

Geithner: I guarantee we won’t offer unpopular bailouts again

Gregory: but what if they really need the money and they’re white men - then you have to give it to them

Geithner: which is why we have to stop them from taking risks and if they do we will dismember it

Gregory: Mitch McConnell says this is an
Endless Bailout bill

Geithner: even Republicans think that is fucking stupid

Gregory: will any Republicans vote for the bill?

Geithner: maybe one or two with common sense

Gregory: but no one could have prevented the financial crisis

Geithner: not true - electing someone named Bush was our first national mistake

Gregory: but what about capitalism?

Geithner: we need a Bitey SEC - one with teeth that will nom on behalf of the taxpayer

Gregory: but are you tough enough on Wall Street?

Geithner: Sure - I have written some strongly-worded tweets

Gregory: You are ruining America by attacking wonderful Americans likes Jamie Dimon!

Geithner: and people think I’m a moron Fluffy

Gregory: can America recover?

Geithner: yes but it will take 4 years

Gregory: is this a jobless recovery?

Geithner: no we’re creating jobs - some people
are even working 5 days a week

Gregory: what’s your forecast?

Geithner: I’m not an economist dancing dave

Gregory: Why would a company build a new factory?

Geithner: because we will put more teachers
in the classroom

Gregory: Foreclosures are still up!

Geithner: yes but Obama stabilized house prices which helped people feel good about the house they paid too much for

Gregory: [ grinning ] People re-default!

Geithner: we’re not going to help speculators or irresponsible borrowers

Gregory: is it over?

Geithner: oh no - we’re totally fucked

Gregory: I’m very scared by inflation

Geithner: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: the Washington Times says Obama is unserious unless he taxes the poor

Geithner: fuck that Dave - he’s cutting taxes
on the middle class

Gregory: he raised taxes on middle class American making one million dollars a year

Geithner: the CBO said health care will reduce
the debt

Gregory: there’s debate about that

Geithner: no there isn’t stupid

Gregory: but he has to raise taxes!

Geithner: he will - on the rich

Gregory: oh noes!!!!

Geithner: suck it Fluffers

Gregory: but but but a serious person would raise taxes on the poor

Geithner: any other suggestions Gregory

Gregory: cut Medicare, Medicaid, and raise
the gas tax

Geithner: those are all great ideas - if you are a moron

[ break ]

Gregory: Marsha what about ending bailouts?

Blackburn: no the Obama bill will mean more bailouts

Gregory: how so?

Blackburn: regulating banks will mean raising
costs for regular people which is so so sad

Gregory: so what do you support?

Blackburn: Strong regulations with no control

Brownstein: actually I think people would like a
little Washington control of Wall Street

Rendell: the GOP thinks if they lie enough people
will believe it

Gregory: gee I can’t imagine why

Diaz-Balart: all this talk about reform doesn’t
affect people

Gregory: really?

Diaz-Balart: let’s not fund government - let’s fund Hispanics in small businesses

Gregory: like what

Diaz-Balart: the bodegas and the lights of
upper broadway

Gregory: forget the truth - who’s winning?

Brownstein: the GOP was in charge during the greatest crisis since the Great Depression - so naturally people believe government is the problem and we need to put the Republicans back in charge

Blackburn: Good idea

Gregory: the Democrats have to solve the problems the GOP created by raising taxes and then get voted out and the GOP will come in and we will repeat the cycle all over again

Blackburn: this election is about freedom - the American people oppose the tyranny of good health care and efficient light bulbs

Gregory: ‘Freedom’ got us an economic collapse

Blackburn: we all agree we need more oversight which I have always supported - just ‘oversight’ without ‘government’ or ‘controls’

Gregory: Politico says the Tea Party are scared and think Obama a socialist

Diaz: that is crazy - but people are sick and tired of bad things are in favor of good things

Gregory: wow

Brownstein: The GOP are winning now but people don’t really give a shit - they just want economic growth and some money in their pocket

Gregory: the Tea Party could take over a
Senate race!

Rendell: fuck that bunch of lunatics

Gregory: but people are angry about incompetent wars!

Blackburn: the Tea Party is an amoeba of people who just suddenly got really angry in 2009
about high taxes

Rendell: adios amoebas

Gregory: Michelle Bachmann who is your colleague and insane said we have a gangster government

Blackburn: those are words she said

Gregory: yes I know that - do you agree with that?

Blackburn: people are very angry about what will happen 50 years from now

Gregory: I’m just wondering if you realize that Michelle Bachmann is dangerously certifiable

Blackburn: well whenever you have a large gathering a few crazy people will show up

Gregory: she’s a Congresswoman!

Diaz-Balart: If anyone is angry it should be Hispanics - Obama hasn’t proposed immigration reform and the GOP are fuckin’ racists!

Brownstein: the Tea Party is going to drive away Hispanics

Diaz: Obama focused too much on health care

Brownstein: are you kidding Diaz? That’s pretty
lame knee jerk anti-Obama blather

Gregory: oh I think you’re going to fit well
here Jose
*******************
by Culture of Truth
****************

This Week on ABC - April 18, 2010

Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Bill Clinton
**********************
Tapper: You started a debate about how lunatics are threatening violence which we were never talking about before

Clinton: indeed

Tapper: Rush Limbaugh says by pointing out the crazy things people are saying any violence will
be your fault

Clinton: that’s fucking crazy

Tapper: but he’s so credible

Clinton: by saying Idaho should secede they create a climate where people wear flag hats and claim Obama is an arab

Tapper: maybe Idaho should secede - their only resources are potatoes and white supremacists

Clinton: and the next thing you know you have American tragedies like Oklahoma City and the decline of John McCain

Tapper: is this like 1994?

Clinton: yes we provoked violence back then by ending trickle down economics and in 2008 by putting a black guy in the White House

Tapper: you are digitizing the entire world with your CGI Intitiative - will we all live on Pandora?

Clinton: no - although that would be cool

Tapper: where are your charities helping?

Clinton: we are trying to save devastated areas like Haiti, West Africa, Rhode Island and Syracuse

Tapper: wow that’s bold

Clinton: we’re installing solar lanterns in India

Tapper: Solar Lantern would be a cool
comic character

Clinton: awesome

Tapper: how do you get business to give
away money?

Clinton: Pfizer has a monopoly on a life saving drug and they realized they were losing out on a huge market of poor sick dying people

Tapper: they are filled with humanitarianism

Clinton: I appealed to their innate selfishness

Tapper: good idea - how do you deal with
rampant corruption?

Clinton: I was recently in a place where there were many poor people sleeping on the streets with a few rich people in government-paid limousines - the problem was no one in the whole nation even expect decent jobs, housing or health care

Tapper: were you in Somalia?

Clinton: no Washington DC

Tapper: What advice would you give Obama on choosing a Supreme Court justice?

Clinton: Hey Democrats allowed a vote on psychos like Clarence Thomas and Scalia - Obama might as well appoint a lesbian Native American Wiccan Communist

Tapper: but that would be divisive

Clinton: like Bush v. Gore? Fuck ‘em all

Tapper: so who would be a good choice?

Clinton: someone who has not been a judge?

Tapper: like who

Clinton: a county judge

Tapper: anyone else?

Clinton: someone with a big brain like Mario Cuomo

Tapper: well why not Bill Clinton

Clinton: I don’t think so - there’s no action on
the Court Tapper!

Tapper: Hatch wants your wife

Clinton: well so do I - but she’s too old

Tapper: Was Rubin wrong to deregulate the banks?

Clinton: no the problem is Bush crushed the SEC

Tapper: what about derivatives?

Clinton: it turned out that rich people are incredibly stupid and willing to bring down an entire system for a little money

Tapper: how do we get peace in the Middle East?

Clinton: we need a Palestinian state

Tapper: that would help

Clinton: hell the UAE is building a carbon-neutral city but all we can talk about is the Israel-Palestinian problem - it’s fucking annoying

Tapper: Obama enacted health care reform - do you get any credit?

Clinton: hell yes - we got a bill out of committee but then Bill Kristol killed it because he’s the biggest prick in the universe

Tapper: true enough
*******************
by Culture of Truth

Meet The Press - April 11, 2010

Guests:
Sen. James Leahy (D-VT)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Sec. of State Clinton
Sec. of Defense Gates
*********************
Gregory: who should be on the Supreme Court?

Leahy: an Ordinary American who knows what it’s like to live on less than $500,000 a year

Gregory: someone outside the monastery?

Leahy: Celibacy leads to bad things greggers

Gregory: like molesting?

Leahy: that Gregorian Chant CD

Gregory: hey

Sessions: we need someone who realizes they are subordinate to the Constitution, Jesus Christ, states rights and who totally lacks empathy

Gregory: will this be a big fight?

Sessions: Obama should nominate someone uncontroversial who doesn’t think judges
know the Constitution best

Gregory: Obama must unite the nation by nominating a Corporation to sit on the court

Leahy: this is an activist court Fluffy - they rewrite the laws to pursue a conservative agenda

Gregory: that’s not what I asked - I asked whether Obama should do whatever Republicans want for the good of the nation

Leahy: well then he might as well nominate the most popular person in America - Hurley from Lost

Gregory: he is adorable

Sessions: the person could be on the court for 50 years - they could have something creepy in their backgrounds

Leahy: creepier than Jeff Sessions?

Gregory: good point

Sessions: John Roberts is not an activist - he
just re-writes incorrect laws

Leahy: hey cracker - that’s what activism is

Sessions: someone who believes in welfare is dangerous lunatic who must be stopped

Gregory: Will there be a fillybuster?

Session: we’ll see how radical Obama’s nominee is - Kagan is ok, Bill Ayers is not

Leahy: Calm down Fluffy - 51 Senators can approve a nominee

Gregory: no!

[ break ]

Gregory: Hillary some say this nuclear treaty weakens American while others say you are war-mongering imperialists

Clinton: we’re willing to reduce our nukes to a level where we can only destroy the earth 1,000 time over

Gregory: Critics say getting of nukes will allow Iran to invade Iowa

Gates: David is it true your head is a flotation device?

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ] what’s to stop North Korea from occupying Wyoming?

Gates: the Grand Tetons

Gregory: Tweetons?

Clinton: Terrorists are more likely to get access to old Soviet nukes which are now in countries with
a GDP of $243.18

Gregory: how comforting

Gregory: Speaking of Iran attacking Indiana
- when do you think that will happen?

Gates: We’re going to kick some Persian ass Fluffy!

Gregory: how so?

Gates: we need a legal platform - we’ll haul them into the People’s court if we have to!

Gregory: definitely time for Judge Wapner

Clinton: right

Gregory: Obama’s foreign policy of being nice
has totally failed

Clinton: that is wrong - we are now in a strong position with our new allies like France and our old friends like China

Gregory: Where are the results? Iran still doesn’t have a nuclear bomb!

Clinton: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but if they had a bomb then you would have no results because they would have a bomb which they don’t yet have

Clinton: truly you have dizzying intellect

Gregory: is it more dangerous to be capable or to actually have weapons?

Clinton: no having weapons is more dangerous stupid

Gregory: Hamid Karzai says America tries to dominate Afghanistan just because we invaded
and occupied the country

Gates: yeah so what?

Gregory: He’s a jerk who doesn’t love America!

Gates: but a snappy dresser

Gregory: true

Gates: look his country is occupied - why shouldn’t he be mad?

Clinton: Exactly - the message is Calm. Down. Fluffy.

Gregory: Oh noe!

Clinton: I feel sympathy for Hamid - he’s not used to be attacked by the Taliban or being put on a Worst Dressed List

Gregory: Did Bibi blindside you?

Clinton: I’m not Sandra Bullock!

Gregory: I won’t go there

Clinton: oh that’s cold Fluffers

Gregory: when Health Care reform passed were you pissed or vindicated?

Clinton: I did all the work and he got the credit
- sure I’m thrilled

Gregory: so are you mad?

Clinton: Me, Bush, Nixon - we all did our part
- but I was in the administration that got it done!

Gregory: ok then

[ break ]

Brooks: Justice Stevens was a real old lefty - if Obama wants someone really popular he needs an uneducated angry person who was on
Dancing With the Stars

Ford: I agree with that - I am so angry with populist rage I will move my hands slightly when I talk

Gregory: you work at an investment bank!

Parker: the GOP wants to appear to be open minded but also must reject anyone who isn’t clinically insane

Gregory: Liberals say that this is an activist court and they want a fiery progressive to fight back

Sanger: Obama wants to nominate a non-ideologue to avoid a fight

Gregory: but he attacked the Court in front of Congress!

Brooks: I am unlike most people am deeply in touch with poor people who are mostly lazy

Gregory: Is Obama’s foreign policy a failure?

Sanger: oh yes we’ve been attacked by North Korea and Iran

Gregory: we have?

Sanger: metaphorically

Ford: Hey don’t underestimate the power of being able to say “I’m not George Bush”

Gregory: But isn’t America doomed?!

Parker: America is exceptional and powerful! Fuck yeah!!
[Waves Foam Finger ]

Brooks: We should undermine the Iranian regime by going on talk shows and mumbling stupid shit

Gregory: I’m with you Bobo

Sanger: the Iranians are wily Persians - what if they get a nuke but never tell anyone or use it?

Gregory: we should be totally terrified!

Sanger: Exactly - they will try to trick us into not being scared by not doing anything scary
- we must not fall for it!

Parker: Suddenly people are loving Karzai - it’s hard on our troops when people don’t love our puppets

Gregory: Just like the final days of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

Ford: Criminy what do you want to do - act like crazy lunatics and go to war with Iran??

Gregory: Speaking of lunatics - Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin spoke in public this week

Brooks: She’s fun and crazy and good tv but we need to pay attention to normal people like Chris Christie

Gregory: Has Obama got his mojo back?

Parker: no not all at - he’s formidable

Gregory: that’s a yes

Parker: sorry what? [ sips mint julep ]
*****************
Written by Culture of Truth

Meet The Press - April 4, 2010

Guests:
Christina Romer (Director White House Council of Economic Advisors)
Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT)
Rep. Jane Harman (D-CA)
David Remnick
Richard Stengel
*****************

Gregory: wow - America actually had job growth
for the first time since Stupid left office

Romer: not too shabby Fluffy

Gregory: why is unemployment so high?

Romer: because this is the worst
recession in history

Gregory: Bush was that bad huh?

Romer: yes he really was

Gregory: even Democratic Congresspeople
says you’re out of touch

Romer: oh bull - we’ve passed stimulus, cash for cars, tax credits for hiring, home buyer tax credits, no capital gains tax, a tax cut for news versions of “CSI”-

Gregory: some say that stimulus was good
but not good enough

Romer: wow that’s bold

Gregory: people like things that are good

Romer: um yeah

Gregory: some say Obama is anti-business

Romer: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: why should anyone build a factory?!

Romer: gee I don’t know - maybe to build shit
people want?

Gregory: but I heard an anecdote that
Obama’s health plan sucks!

Romer: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: there are lines around the block to
buy the iPad!

Romer: thank god for steve jobs

Gregory: can we have a recovery fueled by
mindless spending on useless shit?

Romer: if so we might as well send all
our cash to China now

Greogry: shockingly the GOP doesn’t support regulating Wall Street

Romer: stunning indeed

Gregory: is China manipulating their currency?

Romer: maybe

Gregory: yes or no?!?!

Romer: you’re a true idiot

Gregory: should Dems campaign on turning the economy around?

Romer: absolutely - who wouldn’t want to take
credit for 10% unemployment?!

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG the terrorists are attacking in Iraq!

Lieberman: that’s a sign that we’re winning

Gregory: oh?

Lieberman: indeed - but also a sign we should never leave and also that Iran is swarthy and dangerous

Harman: I agree with Joe except it also means we should never leave Afghanistan

Gregory: we have new airport security rules to look for and I quote ‘scary people’

Chertoff: that’s right - but will the Dutch also screen for swarthyness?

Harman: it turns out banning all fliers from 25 nations was kind of stupid

Gregory: oh?

Harman: Jihad Jane - ha!

Gregory: New Yorkers must have their bags inspected because of Chechnya

Lieberman: oh yeah it’s all trains nowadays
- they’re the biggest targets by far

Gregory: that’s frightening

Lieberman: it’s absolutely terrifying Fluffy

Gregory: should we give accused terrorists a
fair trial or a kangaroo court?

Chertoff: if you catch someone in a battlefield then
a fair trial is too difficult

Harman: bullshit - the death eater is wrong

Lieberman: fuck the rule of law - we need the
Rule of War!

Gregory: is that a video game?

Lieberman: yeah it’s awesome

Gregory: the Hutaree are part of greater increase in utter lunatics since Obama divided our nation by becoming President

Lieberman: yes both parties are too blame - we need centrist bipartisanship - but the real threat is that we will pay attention to this and ignore swarthy terrorists

Gregory: that is disturbing

Harman: Hey Joe guess what - these are terrorists with IEDs and everything

Lieberman: they can’t be real terrorists
- they don’t have dark mustaches

Chertoff: the militia nuts are just like animal
rights terrorists

Gregory: oh of course

Chertoff: hey America succumbed to terrorism
in 2001 so why no adopt those tactics

Gregory: what about Iran?

Lieberman: there has never been an expansionist dangerous country with nuclear weapons in history!

Gregory: what about the USSR?

Lieberman: fuck that shit - we have to go
to war!!!

Harman: the real test is what the UN will do - will they pull the trigger or will those fuckers cave again!?!?

Gregory: you seem upset - do you want to go
to war with Iran too?

Harman: no

Gregory: ok

Harman: I want to go to war with Yemen!!!

Gregory: oh my

[ break ]

Gregory: guys Obama is winning but he’s still unpopular

Remnick: well unemployment is still high
- so not too bad

Stengel: 2 weeks ago he was the worst president ever - now he’s the next FDR

Gregory: What kind of President is he?

Remnick: he’s a centrist and conciliator - but he’s going to have to get tough on Iran and the global warming deniers

Stengel: Obama took his eye on the ball which
is the economy

Gregory: that’s genius Ricky

Stengel: not that he can really create jobs anyway

Gregory: he’s too robotic and unfeeling isn’t he?

Remnick: don’t be silly Fluffy - he’s President and a
policymaker not your mother

Gregory: but he gives a me a sad

Remnick: jeebus he just had a huge win Greggers

Gregory: he even reached out to the teabaggers!

Stengel: the teabaggers basically speak for all America when they are disenchanted with government and believe Obama is a New
Guinean witch doctor

Gregory: David is Obama black or white?

Remnick: neither - he’s a Vulcan

Gregory: I see

Remnick: he wants to President of the whole country - even the crazy people

Gregory: lucky for him that’s a majority

Gregory: he always wanted to be a transformational figure

Stengel: he wants to part of a transformation of America where we judge people not by the color of your skin but how smart you are

Gregory: no wonder the teabaggers are so mad

Stengel: Mandela spent his first year not calming blacks down but trying to reassure white people

Gregory: wow he is like Barack

Stengel: Mandela is now freakishly serene and calm - almost as much Obama

Remnick: he sits in meetings and absorbs information and processes it

Gregory: so is he a Vulcan or an android?

Stengel: to succeed he needs to be a more touchy-feely leader

Gregory: they should install an emotion chip

Stengel: indeed although that could be dangerous

Gregory: Obama 2.0!
***********************

This Week - April 4, 2010

Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Larry Summers (White House Economic Advisor)
Alan Greenspan
**********************

Tapper: we have the best economy in three years! So how much does Obama suck? We’ll ask Larry ‘the Hulk’ Summers.

Larry where are the jobs?

Summers: hey a year ago we were losing 600,000 jobs a month and now are gaining jobs means we have to do more

Tapper: like what?

Summers: we have to get heedless
unrestrained lending going again

Tapper: anything else?

Summers: tax credits!

Tapper: so you have had temporary success
- but let’s assume you fail

Summers: ok

Tapper: aha - so you admit Obama failed!

Summers: you’re dumb - as you sure you’re
not a woman?

Tapper: just give me the facts fat man

Summers: as conditions get better people start looking for work and then count as unemployed

Tapper: well how were you counting them before?

Summers: the Happy Homeless

Tapper: Is China manipulating their currency?

Summers: yes they’re using the five finger touch
of death

Tapper: those wily orientals

Summers: can you finally regulate Wall Street?

Summers: hey it’s not easy - Wall St. lobbyists have hired 2 prostitutes for every Congressman

Tapper: that seems redundant

Summers: ha - good one Jake

Tapper: Some Democrats say financial regulation doesn’t go far enough

Summers: this is a good bill - it limits risky trades
by the ‘too big to fail’ banks

Tapper: how so?

Summers: they can only gamble eleventy trillion dollars of taxpayer money

Tapper: are going to quit or be pushed out?

Summers: no I love presiding over the worst economy since Egypt lost the Jewish slaves

[ break ]

Tapper: ok old man - give me some of that Randian wisdom

Greenspan: building inventory is self-reinforcing
and so we are on the edge of an awesome
inventory bubble

Tapper: when do you think the real estate bubble
will pop?

Greenspan: when? dude my mansion is worthless - it’s already popped!

Tapper: you can’t sell your house at all?

Greenspan: no one wants an Ayn Rand-shaped swimming pool

Tapper: will the health care bill ruin America?

Greenspan: the CBO says no but the Fifth Rule
of Acquisition says we must ask ‘what if we are wrong’?

Tapper: did you ever ask that when you were advocating right-wing policies?

Greenspan: I can’t remember - do you have
any pudding?

Tapper: no I don’t - do you support the
Volcker Rule?

Greenspan: no because banks have to do stupid wasteful shit or they wouldn’t have anything to
do at all

Tapper: haven’t Ayn Rand and mindless capitalism been proven to be nothing more sociopathic insanity and completely disastrous?

Greenspan: not at all - look at all the wonderful effects of shock capitalism is the third world!

Tapper: so will you be moving to Somalia?

Greenspan: Andrea and I built a summer home
on Pitcairn Island

Tapper: nice

Greenspan: I was wrong about everything but
in my defense so was everyone else I know at the Objectivist society

Tapper: so you seem like an out of touch idiot

Greenspan: some people were right but for the wrong reasons - they just got lucky

Tapper: ok

Greenspan: it’s better to be wrong and believe
in the right things

Tapper: oh so you are a Republican