Sunday, April 04, 2010

This Week - April 4, 2010

Jake Tapper
Larry Summers (White House Economic Advisor)
Alan Greenspan

Tapper: we have the best economy in three years! So how much does Obama suck? We’ll ask Larry ‘the Hulk’ Summers.

Larry where are the jobs?

Summers: hey a year ago we were losing 600,000 jobs a month and now are gaining jobs means we have to do more

Tapper: like what?

Summers: we have to get heedless
unrestrained lending going again

Tapper: anything else?

Summers: tax credits!

Tapper: so you have had temporary success
- but let’s assume you fail

Summers: ok

Tapper: aha - so you admit Obama failed!

Summers: you’re dumb - as you sure you’re
not a woman?

Tapper: just give me the facts fat man

Summers: as conditions get better people start looking for work and then count as unemployed

Tapper: well how were you counting them before?

Summers: the Happy Homeless

Tapper: Is China manipulating their currency?

Summers: yes they’re using the five finger touch
of death

Tapper: those wily orientals

Summers: can you finally regulate Wall Street?

Summers: hey it’s not easy - Wall St. lobbyists have hired 2 prostitutes for every Congressman

Tapper: that seems redundant

Summers: ha - good one Jake

Tapper: Some Democrats say financial regulation doesn’t go far enough

Summers: this is a good bill - it limits risky trades
by the ‘too big to fail’ banks

Tapper: how so?

Summers: they can only gamble eleventy trillion dollars of taxpayer money

Tapper: are going to quit or be pushed out?

Summers: no I love presiding over the worst economy since Egypt lost the Jewish slaves

[ break ]

Tapper: ok old man - give me some of that Randian wisdom

Greenspan: building inventory is self-reinforcing
and so we are on the edge of an awesome
inventory bubble

Tapper: when do you think the real estate bubble
will pop?

Greenspan: when? dude my mansion is worthless - it’s already popped!

Tapper: you can’t sell your house at all?

Greenspan: no one wants an Ayn Rand-shaped swimming pool

Tapper: will the health care bill ruin America?

Greenspan: the CBO says no but the Fifth Rule
of Acquisition says we must ask ‘what if we are wrong’?

Tapper: did you ever ask that when you were advocating right-wing policies?

Greenspan: I can’t remember - do you have
any pudding?

Tapper: no I don’t - do you support the
Volcker Rule?

Greenspan: no because banks have to do stupid wasteful shit or they wouldn’t have anything to
do at all

Tapper: haven’t Ayn Rand and mindless capitalism been proven to be nothing more sociopathic insanity and completely disastrous?

Greenspan: not at all - look at all the wonderful effects of shock capitalism is the third world!

Tapper: so will you be moving to Somalia?

Greenspan: Andrea and I built a summer home
on Pitcairn Island

Tapper: nice

Greenspan: I was wrong about everything but
in my defense so was everyone else I know at the Objectivist society

Tapper: so you seem like an out of touch idiot

Greenspan: some people were right but for the wrong reasons - they just got lucky

Tapper: ok

Greenspan: it’s better to be wrong and believe
in the right things

Tapper: oh so you are a Republican

No comments: