Larry Summers (White House Economic Advisor)
Tapper: we have the best economy in three years! So how much does Obama suck? We’ll ask Larry ‘the Hulk’ Summers.
Larry where are the jobs?
Summers: hey a year ago we were losing 600,000 jobs a month and now are gaining jobs means we have to do more
Tapper: like what?
Summers: we have to get heedless
unrestrained lending going again
Tapper: anything else?
Summers: tax credits!
Tapper: so you have had temporary success
- but let’s assume you fail
Tapper: aha - so you admit Obama failed!
Summers: you’re dumb - as you sure you’re
not a woman?
Tapper: just give me the facts fat man
Summers: as conditions get better people start looking for work and then count as unemployed
Tapper: well how were you counting them before?
Summers: the Happy Homeless
Tapper: Is China manipulating their currency?
Summers: yes they’re using the five finger touch
Tapper: those wily orientals
Summers: can you finally regulate Wall Street?
Summers: hey it’s not easy - Wall St. lobbyists have hired 2 prostitutes for every Congressman
Tapper: that seems redundant
Summers: ha - good one Jake
Tapper: Some Democrats say financial regulation doesn’t go far enough
Summers: this is a good bill - it limits risky trades
by the ‘too big to fail’ banks
Tapper: how so?
Summers: they can only gamble eleventy trillion dollars of taxpayer money
Tapper: are going to quit or be pushed out?
Summers: no I love presiding over the worst economy since Egypt lost the Jewish slaves
[ break ]
Tapper: ok old man - give me some of that Randian wisdom
Greenspan: building inventory is self-reinforcing
and so we are on the edge of an awesome
Tapper: when do you think the real estate bubble
Greenspan: when? dude my mansion is worthless - it’s already popped!
Tapper: you can’t sell your house at all?
Greenspan: no one wants an Ayn Rand-shaped swimming pool
Tapper: will the health care bill ruin America?
Greenspan: the CBO says no but the Fifth Rule
of Acquisition says we must ask ‘what if we are wrong’?
Tapper: did you ever ask that when you were advocating right-wing policies?
Greenspan: I can’t remember - do you have
Tapper: no I don’t - do you support the
Greenspan: no because banks have to do stupid wasteful shit or they wouldn’t have anything to
do at all
Tapper: haven’t Ayn Rand and mindless capitalism been proven to be nothing more sociopathic insanity and completely disastrous?
Greenspan: not at all - look at all the wonderful effects of shock capitalism is the third world!
Tapper: so will you be moving to Somalia?
Greenspan: Andrea and I built a summer home
on Pitcairn Island
Greenspan: I was wrong about everything but
in my defense so was everyone else I know at the Objectivist society
Tapper: so you seem like an out of touch idiot
Greenspan: some people were right but for the wrong reasons - they just got lucky
Greenspan: it’s better to be wrong and believe
in the right things
Tapper: oh so you are a Republican